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The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
In this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families? families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents' needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.
Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a therapist, consultant, and trainer. She is known for her work with dysfunctional families, particularly with survivors of incest. Robert M. Pressman is the editor-in-chief and president of the Joint Commission for the Development of the Treatment and Statistical Manual for Behavioral and Mental Disorders.
Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a therapist, consultant, and trainer. She is known for her work with dysfunctional families, particularly with survivors of incest. Robert M. Pressman is the editor-in-chief and president of the Joint Commission for the Development of the Treatment and Statistical Manual for Behavioral and Mental Disorders.
192 pages, Paperback
First published January 31, 1994
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 88 reviews
February 6, 2020
Highly recommended read.
In a quite elegant, succinct, convincing way this book structured and clarified many issues I was struggling with at some time in my life and a lot of things fell into place for me.
The main reason why this book is so helpful not only for professionals but also laymen is that it offers a conclusive concept that is not constrained to certain overt familial dysfunctions (for example alcoholism, abuse, incest).
It validates the emotional abuse and neglect that covertly happens in all family systems, where the needs of the parental system, for whatever reason, trump the developmental needs of the children. As a result the children adapt in such a way as to cater to those needs at the expense of their own healthy emotional development.
The authors call that kind of system a narcissistic family structure, and the brilliant thing about it is that no one in the family needs to be diagnosable as a full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder case or, in fact, fit any other obvious psychological diagnosis for the system itself to be classified as dysfunctionally narcissistic.
So one doesn’t have to go hunting for the certifiably “crazy” one in the family to be able to
1) acknowledge that the system itself is crazy and pathological – and then to
2) effectively deal with the results of that in ones' personal life as an adult.
And this approach provided the perfect framework for me - at a crucial time in my life - to include religious dogmatism as a form of covert emotional abuse and neglect, even in its seemingly “mild” forms (ergo without the rampant and widespread physical and sexual abuse that flourishes in dogmatic and/or closed religious communities) and then to deal with what that had done to me.
I’ve been raised in a dogmatic religious family with parents who were devoted members of an evangelical sect. Of course they ended up in that sect for very personal, psychological reasons. Their crushing and regressive need for safety, order, predictability, absolution, grandiosity, acceptance and belonging (which was, of course, never fulfilled there anyway) trumped any and all conflicting needs of their children - my siblings and me – at all times.
That is what dysfunctional religious dogmatism does: it provides dysfunctional adults with a defensible, overtly acceptable, highly efficient framework to insulate themselves against the seemingly overbearing and –for them - unmanageable needs of their children and the normal demands of the unpredictable world around them.
So we children had to repress, sublimate and fake our own emotional responses so as to fit the religious convictions my parents so desperately needed to prop up their own deficient self.
And that insight was such a huge relief for me. Because it made the enormous issue of religious belief suddenly manageable.
I did not have to continue to grapple with religious premises with regards to their content, at all. I only had to understand what function religion fulfilled for my parents and in our family - and the way that affected me.
To make it very concrete, a few examples: I did not have to continue to debate them on scripture with regards to the validity of my role as a woman, my anger, my sexual orientation, my life choices. I just had to acknowledge that their enormous need for safety, order and psychological regression was fulfilled by their religious dogmatism - and that their need always had and always would trump my needs, especially that for authentic self-expression.
And while that insight was massively painful, it was also a huge relief, because it allowed me to stop hoping for and working towards something they were unable to give, to acknowledge the emotional neglect and abuse inherent in that kind of relationship, especially during childhood – and then to deal with the effect it had on me with professional help.
So yeah, if you’ve been raised by dogmatic family members (and that includes all forms of anthroposophist, new-age, esoteric, political and other belief systems as long as they were used to elevate the parents’ needs above the innate needs of their children) this book might help you sort out some of the reasons for interpersonal/intimacy issues you might be struggling with as an adult.
In a quite elegant, succinct, convincing way this book structured and clarified many issues I was struggling with at some time in my life and a lot of things fell into place for me.
The main reason why this book is so helpful not only for professionals but also laymen is that it offers a conclusive concept that is not constrained to certain overt familial dysfunctions (for example alcoholism, abuse, incest).
It validates the emotional abuse and neglect that covertly happens in all family systems, where the needs of the parental system, for whatever reason, trump the developmental needs of the children. As a result the children adapt in such a way as to cater to those needs at the expense of their own healthy emotional development.
The authors call that kind of system a narcissistic family structure, and the brilliant thing about it is that no one in the family needs to be diagnosable as a full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder case or, in fact, fit any other obvious psychological diagnosis for the system itself to be classified as dysfunctionally narcissistic.
So one doesn’t have to go hunting for the certifiably “crazy” one in the family to be able to
1) acknowledge that the system itself is crazy and pathological – and then to
2) effectively deal with the results of that in ones' personal life as an adult.
And this approach provided the perfect framework for me - at a crucial time in my life - to include religious dogmatism as a form of covert emotional abuse and neglect, even in its seemingly “mild” forms (ergo without the rampant and widespread physical and sexual abuse that flourishes in dogmatic and/or closed religious communities) and then to deal with what that had done to me.
I’ve been raised in a dogmatic religious family with parents who were devoted members of an evangelical sect. Of course they ended up in that sect for very personal, psychological reasons. Their crushing and regressive need for safety, order, predictability, absolution, grandiosity, acceptance and belonging (which was, of course, never fulfilled there anyway) trumped any and all conflicting needs of their children - my siblings and me – at all times.
That is what dysfunctional religious dogmatism does: it provides dysfunctional adults with a defensible, overtly acceptable, highly efficient framework to insulate themselves against the seemingly overbearing and –for them - unmanageable needs of their children and the normal demands of the unpredictable world around them.
So we children had to repress, sublimate and fake our own emotional responses so as to fit the religious convictions my parents so desperately needed to prop up their own deficient self.
And that insight was such a huge relief for me. Because it made the enormous issue of religious belief suddenly manageable.
I did not have to continue to grapple with religious premises with regards to their content, at all. I only had to understand what function religion fulfilled for my parents and in our family - and the way that affected me.
To make it very concrete, a few examples: I did not have to continue to debate them on scripture with regards to the validity of my role as a woman, my anger, my sexual orientation, my life choices. I just had to acknowledge that their enormous need for safety, order and psychological regression was fulfilled by their religious dogmatism - and that their need always had and always would trump my needs, especially that for authentic self-expression.
And while that insight was massively painful, it was also a huge relief, because it allowed me to stop hoping for and working towards something they were unable to give, to acknowledge the emotional neglect and abuse inherent in that kind of relationship, especially during childhood – and then to deal with the effect it had on me with professional help.
So yeah, if you’ve been raised by dogmatic family members (and that includes all forms of anthroposophist, new-age, esoteric, political and other belief systems as long as they were used to elevate the parents’ needs above the innate needs of their children) this book might help you sort out some of the reasons for interpersonal/intimacy issues you might be struggling with as an adult.
March 5, 2020
The Narcissistic Family was written by a pair of professional psychologists specializing in the treatment of adults who were raised in an emotionally abusive environment. The authors insist this is a book produced by therapists for therapists, although you will encounter very few therapists who found the material helpful. The raves for this book are coming from another source entirely: the victims themselves. Stephanie and Robert Pressman, whether they intended to or not, have published a work that is validating, informative, instructive and, above all, useful in tackling the very specific dilemmas faced by those who were raised by parents unsuited to the task.
It is easy to misapprehend this issue given the cultural swing the word has taken. A narcissistic parent is not simply a vain, selfish, greedy sort of character. Narcissistic households, from a clinical perspective, are households in which a child has been drafted to meet a parent's emotional needs. The roles reverse in such a dynamic; the child becoming the parent to his or her parent at a very early age. He or she takes on the burden of keeping the parent functional - which oft-times requires the endurance of an adult's rage, confusion, paranoia, pain, sadness and desperation. A child will learn to meet these frightening states with love, support, and helpfulness. Sadly, the child will also learn that this is very much a one-way street. (What your parent can't do for herself, she certainly can't do for you.)
That early role-reversal creates a number of problems for these children in later life, not the least of which is the lack of a workable strategy to get their own needs met. The Pressmans explore the dilemma in a methodical, intelligent and respectful manner - which is why, I suspect, it is receiving such accolades from those who have endured the thrust into maturity at an unfairly accelerated pace. These are individuals who abhor being infantilized. I am pleased to report they will face none of that here.
An excellent, compelling, and insightful piece of analysis.
It is easy to misapprehend this issue given the cultural swing the word has taken. A narcissistic parent is not simply a vain, selfish, greedy sort of character. Narcissistic households, from a clinical perspective, are households in which a child has been drafted to meet a parent's emotional needs. The roles reverse in such a dynamic; the child becoming the parent to his or her parent at a very early age. He or she takes on the burden of keeping the parent functional - which oft-times requires the endurance of an adult's rage, confusion, paranoia, pain, sadness and desperation. A child will learn to meet these frightening states with love, support, and helpfulness. Sadly, the child will also learn that this is very much a one-way street. (What your parent can't do for herself, she certainly can't do for you.)
That early role-reversal creates a number of problems for these children in later life, not the least of which is the lack of a workable strategy to get their own needs met. The Pressmans explore the dilemma in a methodical, intelligent and respectful manner - which is why, I suspect, it is receiving such accolades from those who have endured the thrust into maturity at an unfairly accelerated pace. These are individuals who abhor being infantilized. I am pleased to report they will face none of that here.
An excellent, compelling, and insightful piece of analysis.
October 23, 2025
Fantastic book with a few dated/awkward spots.
Very worth reading.
NARCISSUS AND ECHO
The book begins by revisiting the myth of Narcissus and Echo. Wherein Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection. Echo (who was cursed by Hera to loose her identity in relationship and to simply reflect/repeat the words of others) falls in love with Narcissus. And the two become trapped for eternity in this narcissistic (trance) of a relationship.
This myth captures the toxic dynamic between (a) self obsessed narcissist, and (b) self-abandoning codependent that we see very frequently in couples therapy. Particularly in cases of (drug/sex) addiction and co-dependent enabling.
Interestingly.
When most of us think about the Myth of Narcissus, We typically remember and reflect upon Narcissus. But fail to think about Echo.
She’s just seems like a non player character.
Like a non being.
What’s to know?
Well.
Authors Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman finally give Echo her due.
Echo is actually the star of this book.
The authors ask us to (deeply) consider her, and her meaning, and her important role in this (clearly dysfunctional) dyad.
TOXIC (RELATIONAL) SHAME
One definition of toxic (relational) shame is the ‘loss of contact with our authentic self in relationship with a dysregulating (narcissistic) other.’ Echo represents this aspect of the narcissistic/codependent relationship.
The authors posit, that growing up with narcissistically self involved caregivers can elicit a toxic way of being in relationships, whereby we can (like Echo) develop a survival strategy in which we loose our sense of self in a caretaking trance, frequently at the expense of our own needs.
RESPONSIBILITY
We automatically fall deeply into an unconscious sense of responsibility for the emotional comfort of others at the expense of our own well being.
TRUST
We can only trust others if we are in a caretaker role with them. And can’t trust others who are in a care taking role with/for us.
SPLITTING FROM FEELINGS
We commonly become split off from our own emotions/needs.
REFLECTING/REACTING
We reflect the emotions/needs of others. We become reactive when others are emotionally dysregulated, and reflexively adapt the caretaker role as a conditioned trauma response.
DEPERSONALIZATION/EMPTINESS
This can leave us feeling empty of self.
Abandoned from within.
Burned out.
Resentful.
According to the authors.
This is because we were not raised to know and care for ourselves. We were raised to know and care for others.
And the less we got by way of emotional support as children. The more we are afraid to loose what little we have as adults.
As such, we can revert to our childhood role as caregivers to our partners/friends/colleagues. And remain caught in a chronic state of threat/same activation.
Echo’s TOXIC TRANCE.
ADULT CHILDREN
The authors developed this understanding as an extension of their work with adult children of alcoholics. They were initially surprised when they encountered clients who displayed all of the typical features of people who grew up with alcoholics. But their parents weren’t alcoholics, or drug addicts.
This lead the authors to determine that growing up with narcissistic parents can be just as emotionally damaging as growing up in an alcoholic household.
At times even more so because frequently their family’s and childhood experiences seemed ideal on the surface.
GREAT BOOK (SOME RESERVATIONS)
Over all.
This book provides a satisfying and valuable description of dynamics within families dominated by narcissism.
It may be really helpful for some people seeking practical advice on how to heal from the hidden traumas and residual effect related to growing up in a narcissistic family.
I didn’t find the interventions the authors described as viable or effective. And the case examples were dated and cringey.
But that’s just me.
Anyway…
Given that minor complaint.
This is a GREAT book.
Very impactful.
4/5 STARS ⭐️
Very worth reading.
NARCISSUS AND ECHO
The book begins by revisiting the myth of Narcissus and Echo. Wherein Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection. Echo (who was cursed by Hera to loose her identity in relationship and to simply reflect/repeat the words of others) falls in love with Narcissus. And the two become trapped for eternity in this narcissistic (trance) of a relationship.
This myth captures the toxic dynamic between (a) self obsessed narcissist, and (b) self-abandoning codependent that we see very frequently in couples therapy. Particularly in cases of (drug/sex) addiction and co-dependent enabling.
Interestingly.
When most of us think about the Myth of Narcissus, We typically remember and reflect upon Narcissus. But fail to think about Echo.
She’s just seems like a non player character.
Like a non being.
What’s to know?
Well.
Authors Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman finally give Echo her due.
Echo is actually the star of this book.
The authors ask us to (deeply) consider her, and her meaning, and her important role in this (clearly dysfunctional) dyad.
TOXIC (RELATIONAL) SHAME
One definition of toxic (relational) shame is the ‘loss of contact with our authentic self in relationship with a dysregulating (narcissistic) other.’ Echo represents this aspect of the narcissistic/codependent relationship.
The authors posit, that growing up with narcissistically self involved caregivers can elicit a toxic way of being in relationships, whereby we can (like Echo) develop a survival strategy in which we loose our sense of self in a caretaking trance, frequently at the expense of our own needs.
RESPONSIBILITY
We automatically fall deeply into an unconscious sense of responsibility for the emotional comfort of others at the expense of our own well being.
TRUST
We can only trust others if we are in a caretaker role with them. And can’t trust others who are in a care taking role with/for us.
SPLITTING FROM FEELINGS
We commonly become split off from our own emotions/needs.
REFLECTING/REACTING
We reflect the emotions/needs of others. We become reactive when others are emotionally dysregulated, and reflexively adapt the caretaker role as a conditioned trauma response.
DEPERSONALIZATION/EMPTINESS
This can leave us feeling empty of self.
Abandoned from within.
Burned out.
Resentful.
According to the authors.
This is because we were not raised to know and care for ourselves. We were raised to know and care for others.
And the less we got by way of emotional support as children. The more we are afraid to loose what little we have as adults.
As such, we can revert to our childhood role as caregivers to our partners/friends/colleagues. And remain caught in a chronic state of threat/same activation.
Echo’s TOXIC TRANCE.
ADULT CHILDREN
The authors developed this understanding as an extension of their work with adult children of alcoholics. They were initially surprised when they encountered clients who displayed all of the typical features of people who grew up with alcoholics. But their parents weren’t alcoholics, or drug addicts.
This lead the authors to determine that growing up with narcissistic parents can be just as emotionally damaging as growing up in an alcoholic household.
At times even more so because frequently their family’s and childhood experiences seemed ideal on the surface.
GREAT BOOK (SOME RESERVATIONS)
Over all.
This book provides a satisfying and valuable description of dynamics within families dominated by narcissism.
It may be really helpful for some people seeking practical advice on how to heal from the hidden traumas and residual effect related to growing up in a narcissistic family.
I didn’t find the interventions the authors described as viable or effective. And the case examples were dated and cringey.
But that’s just me.
Anyway…
Given that minor complaint.
This is a GREAT book.
Very impactful.
4/5 STARS ⭐️
March 9, 2017
For anyone who has grown up in a narcissistic family setting this is a great book. I liked this one for it's straight forward language. This books is written for therapists, but is easy to read. It was a relief for me to read a book that wasn't touchy feely. Don't get me wrong I like those books too, but I have reached a point where I just want the facts straight. And this book does that. It explains narcissism and takes you through many different family structures where it occurs. It gives ideas to therapeutic solutions and doesn't sugar coat it, this doesn't mean that it's harsh reading, just factual and straight forward.
There are many case stories from the different settings and therapeutic solutions to them.
It could have done with another look from an editor, but I'm still giving it 5 stars. It's that useful for people who grew up with a narcissistic parent.
There are many case stories from the different settings and therapeutic solutions to them.
It could have done with another look from an editor, but I'm still giving it 5 stars. It's that useful for people who grew up with a narcissistic parent.
January 22, 2009
This should be required reading for prospective parents in America.
May 4, 2011
Liked how it did not necessarily blame an individual family member but rather just identified a situation; and with diagnosis based largely on symptoms, it's a credible catch-all for difficult-to-label...neuroses.
Solutions offered: first and foremost, as with much psychology, a focus on increasing self love and esteem.
Keep a pic of yourself as a child around and realize that that little person felt more responsibility than they ever had ability to change or affect anything.
Identify patterns of walls being up and trust issues. Learn to communicate within boundaries (identified).
See yourself as a lavender sapphire. Not everyone may know it's a sapphire since it is unique. But you know your value. Pleasing others or getting affirmation from them of value not necessary with strong self worth.
Don't take on the responsibilities of others (co-depending). Hand them back their "notebook" (their emotional backpacks).
Boundaries. Define and protect yourself. Learning how to say no, listen to yourself to make divisions, be your own advocate. Your needs matter etc.
Some grow up to be Narcissistic themselves (developing chronic illnesses that monopolize the family, excessive needs for attention, poor parenting that may only appear good) or often co-dependent on someone who is.
Good basic read with some solid suggestions. Ideas for parenting also: how to not live through children or allow them to parent you; importance of being dependable and not over-promising, creating trust in child etc.
If you can't put your finger on something, some emotional history, that you think is affecting you or someone you love, check this out.
Enjoy:)
Solutions offered: first and foremost, as with much psychology, a focus on increasing self love and esteem.
Keep a pic of yourself as a child around and realize that that little person felt more responsibility than they ever had ability to change or affect anything.
Identify patterns of walls being up and trust issues. Learn to communicate within boundaries (identified).
See yourself as a lavender sapphire. Not everyone may know it's a sapphire since it is unique. But you know your value. Pleasing others or getting affirmation from them of value not necessary with strong self worth.
Don't take on the responsibilities of others (co-depending). Hand them back their "notebook" (their emotional backpacks).
Boundaries. Define and protect yourself. Learning how to say no, listen to yourself to make divisions, be your own advocate. Your needs matter etc.
Some grow up to be Narcissistic themselves (developing chronic illnesses that monopolize the family, excessive needs for attention, poor parenting that may only appear good) or often co-dependent on someone who is.
Good basic read with some solid suggestions. Ideas for parenting also: how to not live through children or allow them to parent you; importance of being dependable and not over-promising, creating trust in child etc.
If you can't put your finger on something, some emotional history, that you think is affecting you or someone you love, check this out.
Enjoy:)
July 27, 2016
This book describes the effects of living in a family system where the parents' needs are put first. It conveys the predicament of children in the wake of parental narcissism. It also puts forward solutions. Though written for therapists, it is easily understood by a general audience. It has implications beyond a nuclear family, and into a multigenerational system.
March 8, 2010
I recognized myself, my family and many of my patients within the first few pages of this book. Very interesting, easy read that identifies why so many people from "normal" families struggle with self-esteem, intimacy and many other issues.
April 6, 2023
This book was published in 1997, so it does feel a little dated. It’s also aimed at therapists, so some of the chapters at the end are directed solely at therapists treating people who grew up in ‘the narcissistic family system’, as the book calls it.
Unfortunately, this book does have the familiar problem older books on narcissism have, which is conflating narcissistic abuse with other kinds of child abuse, particularly sexual and physical. It is possible there is a cross over in some cases, but narcissistic abuse is mental and emotional abuse and it often exists without any physical abuse of the victim. It should be treated separately so as not to confuse the different issues and demonstrate that narcissistic abuse is just as damaging in its own right, i.e. it’s not just part of another problem.
I found Chapter 2. Characteristics of the Narcissistic Family, to be the most useful for readers looking to understand their own past abuse at the hands of a narcissistic parent. I could have skipped the rest, but if this is your first book on the subject, you might find it more helpful and revealing than I did. As with a lot of self help books, you judge them according to how far along you are with your own knowledge and understanding of a topic.
Unfortunately, this book does have the familiar problem older books on narcissism have, which is conflating narcissistic abuse with other kinds of child abuse, particularly sexual and physical. It is possible there is a cross over in some cases, but narcissistic abuse is mental and emotional abuse and it often exists without any physical abuse of the victim. It should be treated separately so as not to confuse the different issues and demonstrate that narcissistic abuse is just as damaging in its own right, i.e. it’s not just part of another problem.
I found Chapter 2. Characteristics of the Narcissistic Family, to be the most useful for readers looking to understand their own past abuse at the hands of a narcissistic parent. I could have skipped the rest, but if this is your first book on the subject, you might find it more helpful and revealing than I did. As with a lot of self help books, you judge them according to how far along you are with your own knowledge and understanding of a topic.
February 14, 2018
What an interesting book. I don't know how you are on myths and legends, but I had never heard of Echo. Echo could only repeat what other people said - and she was in love with Narcissus who didn't notice her. She was only able to tell him she loved him when she heard him tell his reflection 'I love you'. This book is about families who have a similar relationship to Narcissus and Echo. About parents who only see their own problems, and about kids who are raised to not to feel their feelings are valid. In short hand - if as a child you gave your parent emotional support instead of them you - you were raising in a narcisstic family.
So was I - to an extent. And am I raising my kids in a narcistic family - I think I might be - to an extent, though I think probably in a lesser extent to my parents, and the degree of difference is probably because I came to parenting much later in life than my parents did, and also because the ethos of raising a family has changed. We are meant to focus more on our kids now - not so much then.
The real surpsise for me reading this book was that I kept recognising my ex husband, and even found a compelling explanation why he abandoned our marriage with barely any effort to sort out our issues.
Result!!
So was I - to an extent. And am I raising my kids in a narcistic family - I think I might be - to an extent, though I think probably in a lesser extent to my parents, and the degree of difference is probably because I came to parenting much later in life than my parents did, and also because the ethos of raising a family has changed. We are meant to focus more on our kids now - not so much then.
The real surpsise for me reading this book was that I kept recognising my ex husband, and even found a compelling explanation why he abandoned our marriage with barely any effort to sort out our issues.
Result!!
April 8, 2013
This book is aimed at therapists. I purchased it as I see a lot of patients who grew up with a narcissistic parent. The authors clearly point out that their work is about narcissistic family systems differentiated from clinical narcissistic personality disorder. They do not endorse psychoanalysis for the treatment of people raised in these families and tend to favour short term therapy. If your therapeutic approach is more psychoanalytic you are likely to find this book limiting with regards to concepts such as the use of transference and the therapeutic relationship in therapy. If you favour a handbook of "techniques" this book might suit you, if not it is likely to frustrate you. It is noteworthy that most of the reviews seem to be from people who identify with being raised in a narcissistic family system rather than the therapists it was aimed for. I feel the book would have been better pitched to the self help market mainly for the first two chapters. Some of my patients have found chapter 2 Characteristics of the Narcissistic Family to be particularly validating.
March 27, 2011
It's never too late, kids.
March 6, 2008
The diagnosis and analysis portions of this book were phenomenal. The categories are outstandingly explored. However, the treatment approach emphasized a cognitive-behavioral approach that seemed in many cases, counter-productive to healing. Particularly, sections about compartmentalizing feelings and making lists seem like the last thing a survivor of a narcissistic family system needs to do more of. The treatment focus should be on integrating emotions, not demarcating them further.
but a recommended quick read for a new way to think about family systems- fits well into attachment theory.
but a recommended quick read for a new way to think about family systems- fits well into attachment theory.
January 26, 2011
Among all the books of psychology from the child's perspective that I've read, in which I include most Freudian psychoanalytic theories as well as Alice Millers, this book is still my favorite. The comparison with ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholism), the concepts of Quick Fixes and Emotional Entitlement -- everything about this book is simply right on the money. Again, best when combined with psychology from the grown-up's perspective, since indulging in one's childhood otherwise can and will become yet another Quick Fix. A must-read.
January 21, 2014
This book is one I would recommend to every family therapist. It helped my 36 year old husband who was raised by a mother with NPD understand that a boundary gave you the right to say no. It is written in language very easy for anyone in or out of the field of counseling to read. Can't recommend it enough!
July 14, 2019
As a therapist, I Didn’t find this book terribly useful. Quite dated and authors made assumptions and generalizations universalizing how a clinician may formulate or react to information presented by client. Almost as if they were sharing their own thoughts and little exercises they use in session, without giving a robust or thorough context or description of the case (except, to some degree — the only full-ish case study at the end of the book.
They seemed to skirt around the issue of trauma, by couching violence or abuse in terms of narcissism or stemming from a narcissistic family system which in my opinion, avoids the core issues related to addressing interpersonal, institutional and ecological factors that contribute to trauma systems. Not quite hitting at locating root causes.
There’s also a neutralizing or blind spots around socio-cultural impact.
Meh.
They seemed to skirt around the issue of trauma, by couching violence or abuse in terms of narcissism or stemming from a narcissistic family system which in my opinion, avoids the core issues related to addressing interpersonal, institutional and ecological factors that contribute to trauma systems. Not quite hitting at locating root causes.
There’s also a neutralizing or blind spots around socio-cultural impact.
Meh.
February 7, 2015
Although this book was written for therapists, I thought it quite helpful for patients of a narcissistic parent as well. I would have been happier if they had delved into the malicious narcissist as well. Sadly where the original narcissist begins, the heirs must contend with in future generations. Very helpful book in helping identify the symptoms of the child growing up in the narcissistic home.
February 2, 2008
Oh, you know the type. They aim to please, can't quite identify their feelings, and need constant validation. Yes, these are the folks who grew up in a narcissistic family in which the parents mattered more than the kids. This is a therapeutic model for understanding working with these folks.
October 30, 2010
It was written for therapists, but you don't have to be a therapist to understand it. It was especially helpful after reading Karyl McBride's book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
May 25, 2019
Not just for therapists! Highly recommended to laypeople, as it can provide a greater sense of insight, meaning and depth to their therapy, healing and improving their life. Recommended to anyone who didn't have their emotional needs met by their family of origin, and the spouses or support system of such people. A lot of people can't access therapy that considers the broader picture of their lives, and instead can only access short term behavioural therapies or pharmacological therapies to rather limited effect, even when combining that with a therapeutic exploration of their past would give them much greater self-knowledge and ability to create a more meaningful life. The ultimate goal of therapy is to give people the ability to help themselves and control their own lives. I contend that this book would help give that gift to so many people, whether or not formal therapy is part of it.
I worry that a lot of people who would benefit from this would look past it because of what meaning the title words carry in general parlance! The authors provide a useful working definition of "the narcissistic family", describing a) a broad spectrum of family units where children do not have their emotional needs met which b) results in adult children who experience particular predictable patterns of difficulties that c) can be overcome. It does have particular examples and insights for people anywhere on that spectrum. As it outlines, some people may have great trouble admitting they did not have their emotional needs met because they also feel great love and respect and understanding towards their parents, and haven't learnt that both can be true at once, and don't realise that blame and guilt and shame do not need to factor in to this reality. I observe so any people in this situation, and can only hope that by some stroke of luck they are able to overcome that barrier, and somehow come across the ideas in this book in another way that resonates.
Personally provided me with much greater reassurance, clarity, insight and direction. So incredibly helpful. I came from a family with an abusive mother whom I have cut contact with that we now believe would be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and a father I am close to but who also doesn't have much emotional intelligence. I'm an adult in my late twenties, and I'm so glad I can now see how much I need to spend my time and energy to reflect on my past, not to dwell in the painful memories, but rather to recognise a) the extent and b) the specific ways it is holding me back right now, and because I finally see that I need this knowledge to craft the best way forward. This book is a valuable key to my healing and future. Even though this one book is of course just one part, my God is it a brilliant slice of the pie.
I wish I could click my fingers and have everyone in the whole world immediately understand how and why each human's past experiences holds so many answers. But as the book has encouraged me to see, I don't need to feel such despairing urgency to fix other people, and can now choose to turn it to myself, probably to much greater effect. Nonetheless, hope this review helped someone!
I worry that a lot of people who would benefit from this would look past it because of what meaning the title words carry in general parlance! The authors provide a useful working definition of "the narcissistic family", describing a) a broad spectrum of family units where children do not have their emotional needs met which b) results in adult children who experience particular predictable patterns of difficulties that c) can be overcome. It does have particular examples and insights for people anywhere on that spectrum. As it outlines, some people may have great trouble admitting they did not have their emotional needs met because they also feel great love and respect and understanding towards their parents, and haven't learnt that both can be true at once, and don't realise that blame and guilt and shame do not need to factor in to this reality. I observe so any people in this situation, and can only hope that by some stroke of luck they are able to overcome that barrier, and somehow come across the ideas in this book in another way that resonates.
Personally provided me with much greater reassurance, clarity, insight and direction. So incredibly helpful. I came from a family with an abusive mother whom I have cut contact with that we now believe would be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and a father I am close to but who also doesn't have much emotional intelligence. I'm an adult in my late twenties, and I'm so glad I can now see how much I need to spend my time and energy to reflect on my past, not to dwell in the painful memories, but rather to recognise a) the extent and b) the specific ways it is holding me back right now, and because I finally see that I need this knowledge to craft the best way forward. This book is a valuable key to my healing and future. Even though this one book is of course just one part, my God is it a brilliant slice of the pie.
I wish I could click my fingers and have everyone in the whole world immediately understand how and why each human's past experiences holds so many answers. But as the book has encouraged me to see, I don't need to feel such despairing urgency to fix other people, and can now choose to turn it to myself, probably to much greater effect. Nonetheless, hope this review helped someone!
February 8, 2018
Not exactly what I expected. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and have read better books on Narcissism with greater detail into the Personality Disorder. Half of the book has people's stories, which is helpful, but takes up too much of the book. More diagnostic clinical material would have been preferred.
June 26, 2021
Well researched and presented. I identified with so many cases in this book, I couldn’t believe it. I’ve always thought I was just broken. Now I have a community I belong to and they are strong survivors of narcissistic families.
November 21, 2007
This book exposed to me in concise detail the kind of childhood I had, and in doing so enabled me to take another gigantic step in learning to both understand, and rise above it.
February 20, 2012
Wonderful book. Very insightful.
March 3, 2013
Compelling and relevant.
August 17, 2013
Not terribly well written, but really helpful and eye-opening. I liked that it focused on narcissistic family systems rather than the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
March 13, 2024
An absolute must for any future clinical psychologist
January 18, 2012
The book is easy to read with a lot of examples and case studies. This helps to understand the adults who were raised in Narcissistic families and why they behave in a certain way (Pleasing people, inability to say "No", lack of self confidence, impulse control disorder, etc..)
I think the authors made a great job in relating the problems that these adults suffer from to childhood's experience. however, I think they should have provided more solutions to help these adults overcome such problems.
I think the authors made a great job in relating the problems that these adults suffer from to childhood's experience. however, I think they should have provided more solutions to help these adults overcome such problems.
January 18, 2016
Very helpful information, written by a therapist for other therapists, but written such that it is easy for a non-professional to read and understand. This book really helped provide a better foundation for my understanding of this issue in my life and along with Will I Ever Be Good Enough, Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Trapped in the Mirror. It has given me great insight into my childhood, my mother, her family and my siblings and brought closure and healing to me on a level that I thought I might never achieve.
September 19, 2008
This may seem like an odd book to add here, especially since it is written for professionals, though it is very readable for a lay person. I add only because it left a huge impression on me and I found the Echo/Narcissus model to be an interesting comparisson to certain families dynamics. There is often attention paid to the Narcissistic personality but this book addresses the question "What happens to Echo?"
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