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Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life
You're always negotiating. Whether making a business deal, talking to friends or booking a holiday, negotiation is going on. And most of us are terrible at it.
Experts tell us to negotiate as if we live in a rational world. But people can be angry, fearful and irrational. To achieve your goals you have to be able to deal with the unpredictable.
In Getting More, negotiation expert Stuart Diamond reveals the real secrets behind getting more in any negotiation - whatever more means to you. Getting More is accessible, jargon-free, innovative ... and it works.
395 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 28, 2010
1697 people are currently reading
6770 people want to read
About the author
Stuart Diamond
20 books51 followersStuart Diamond has taught and advised on negotiation and cultural diversity to corporate and government leaders in more than 40 countries, including in Eastern Europe, former Soviet Republics, China, Latin America, the Middle East, Canada, South Africa and the United States. He holds an M.B.A. with honors from Wharton Business School, ranked #1 globally by The Financial Times where he is currently a practice professor (professor from practice) with courses on negotiation and entrepreneurship. For 22 of 24 semesters over the past 13 years his negotiation course has been the most popular in the school based on the course auction, and he has won multiple teaching awards. He has taught negotiation at Harvard Law School, from which he holds a law degree and is a former Associate Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project. He has directed a negotiation consulting firm in Cambridge, MA.
Mr. Diamond is president of Global Strategy Group, which advises companies and governments on negotiating foreign investment and devising strategies, structures and marketing to compete effectively on an international scale: essentially the skills of planning and persuasion. He advises senior corporate and government officials on building internal coalitions and harmony to be more effective and competitive in an environment of constant change. He has analyzed competitive and persuasive strategies for organizations as different as Merck, Citibank, General Electric, BASF, Prudential, the Government of Colombia, a $16 billion petrochemical company in China and scientists in Ukraine. He advises U.S. and foreign companies on developing more effective communications and media relations, strategic focus, problem-solving, creative options, and persuading vendors and customers. He is an expert in cross-cultural negotiation and has advised on the subject to executives of some of the world’s leading companies. He has consulted extensively for the United Nations.
In a prior career Mr. Diamond was a journalist, including at The New York Times, where he won the Pulitzer Prize as a part of a team investigating the crash of the space shuttle Challenger in 1986. He covered many major crises including the Bhopal chemical leak in India, the Three Mile Island nuclear accident in Pennsylvania and the Chernobyl nuclear accident in the former Soviet Union. He has written 2 books, 2 documentary films and more than 2,000 published articles, including 109 on page 1 of The New York Times. He has appeared on Today and Good Morning America and lectured widely about the problems and prospects of emerging markets, and international business challenges in an environment of change.
Mr. Diamond was an executive of a Wall Street energy futures brokerage firm, for which he negotiated a multimillion dollar sale. He has worked at the law firm of Sullivan & Cromwell and the investment bank of Morgan Stanley. He founded or directed entrepreneurial ventures in medical services and wireless technologies. He has advised on environmental regulations, privatization and intellectual property protection in emerging markets from Chile to Kuwait. He has worked for the President’s office in Bolivia, Colombia and Nicaragua. He persuaded 3,000 people in the jungles of Bolivia to stop growing illicit coca and to start growing bananas exported to Argentina. He advises a variety of high technology companies and in 2000 played a lead role in putting together a $300 million merger of two high-tech companies that had been on the verge of litigation. He became the first chairman of the merged companies, Summus, Inc., listed on OTC. In 2004 he represented the borrower in completing the largest foreign-sourced commercial financing in the history of Ukraine, a $107.5 million Eurobond issue to finance commercial space ventures. In June, 2005, he became Chairman and CEO of Four Star Aviation of St. Thomas, in which he is a 50% owner. In 2006 he represented The N.Y Commodities Exchange in the succ
Mr. Diamond is president of Global Strategy Group, which advises companies and governments on negotiating foreign investment and devising strategies, structures and marketing to compete effectively on an international scale: essentially the skills of planning and persuasion. He advises senior corporate and government officials on building internal coalitions and harmony to be more effective and competitive in an environment of constant change. He has analyzed competitive and persuasive strategies for organizations as different as Merck, Citibank, General Electric, BASF, Prudential, the Government of Colombia, a $16 billion petrochemical company in China and scientists in Ukraine. He advises U.S. and foreign companies on developing more effective communications and media relations, strategic focus, problem-solving, creative options, and persuading vendors and customers. He is an expert in cross-cultural negotiation and has advised on the subject to executives of some of the world’s leading companies. He has consulted extensively for the United Nations.
In a prior career Mr. Diamond was a journalist, including at The New York Times, where he won the Pulitzer Prize as a part of a team investigating the crash of the space shuttle Challenger in 1986. He covered many major crises including the Bhopal chemical leak in India, the Three Mile Island nuclear accident in Pennsylvania and the Chernobyl nuclear accident in the former Soviet Union. He has written 2 books, 2 documentary films and more than 2,000 published articles, including 109 on page 1 of The New York Times. He has appeared on Today and Good Morning America and lectured widely about the problems and prospects of emerging markets, and international business challenges in an environment of change.
Mr. Diamond was an executive of a Wall Street energy futures brokerage firm, for which he negotiated a multimillion dollar sale. He has worked at the law firm of Sullivan & Cromwell and the investment bank of Morgan Stanley. He founded or directed entrepreneurial ventures in medical services and wireless technologies. He has advised on environmental regulations, privatization and intellectual property protection in emerging markets from Chile to Kuwait. He has worked for the President’s office in Bolivia, Colombia and Nicaragua. He persuaded 3,000 people in the jungles of Bolivia to stop growing illicit coca and to start growing bananas exported to Argentina. He advises a variety of high technology companies and in 2000 played a lead role in putting together a $300 million merger of two high-tech companies that had been on the verge of litigation. He became the first chairman of the merged companies, Summus, Inc., listed on OTC. In 2004 he represented the borrower in completing the largest foreign-sourced commercial financing in the history of Ukraine, a $107.5 million Eurobond issue to finance commercial space ventures. In June, 2005, he became Chairman and CEO of Four Star Aviation of St. Thomas, in which he is a 50% owner. In 2006 he represented The N.Y Commodities Exchange in the succ
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 305 reviews
August 8, 2012
"Getting More" is not a useless book, especially if combined with a day-long training, but how incredibly verbose it is! A proper summary would require 20 pages, the essence fits onto a tiny card which you will get if you attend the training. While reading the book I often had the feeling that it started as a 20-pages summary but more and more stuff was later injected to make a 400-pages volume out of it, certain passages are not very coherent. It is reassuring to know that this book helped so many people but some stories look more like anecdotes, like this one: A Chinese company didn't want to pay a 700M debt to an American company for two years, until in a meeting the American guys said "You are loosing your face, Chinese businessmen! We are also loosing our faces!" and voila, they paid the debt right away. Or how about this cool trick: at the counter in a mall ask the shop-assistant if she has had a bad day with nasty customers; tell her, with a sigh, you understand perfectly well how troubled she is; then ask if she has a discount for a nice person like you. I wonder how many shop-assistants can be fooled with this and how many customers wouldn't feel ridiculous asking for a discount for being "nice".
June 17, 2017
The ethics of this book are somewhat disturbing. The author himself wonders throughout if it's wrong to do what he recommends. At one point he asks "What if everybody did this?" and his non-responsive answer is "Everybody doesn't". The honest answer is that if "everybody did this" there would be mass chaos. For example, he describes a jackass who has already gotten 15 speeding-tickets and gets pulled over for doing over 50 in a 20MPH zone but talks his way out of another ticket by using the skills he learned from the author. Well, what would be the result if every dangerous driver got away with their reckless behavior? More death and injury to innocent people. Not good.
Of course, if you are a sociopath and your only "goal in the real world" is "getting more" for yourself, then that is not a concern.
Anyway, this is just not a great book, with certain phrases/sentences repeated dozens, if not hundreds, of times. The parts that are useful and not evil can be found elsewhere with better presentation.
Of course, if you are a sociopath and your only "goal in the real world" is "getting more" for yourself, then that is not a concern.
Anyway, this is just not a great book, with certain phrases/sentences repeated dozens, if not hundreds, of times. The parts that are useful and not evil can be found elsewhere with better presentation.
May 8, 2011
This is an excellent book with a collaborative viewpoint on negotiations. The only reason I am giving it four stars is that I found it annoying to constantly read about students of Stuart Diamond who were (or would later become) V.P.s of financial or IT companies, who clearly had a lot of money, negotiating discounts with furniture stores or their local dry cleaner. I understand Diamond teaches MBAs at Wharton, so one would hope they would be successful in their careers, and that the stories were included to give examples of the negotiation process.... But I really don't like reading about rich people haggling for a few hundred dollars with those who are poorer than themselves.
March 28, 2011
Enjoyed the book, which is about how to negotiate like a woman (although that is mentioned in the book only in the context of "don't send in your most powerful person, send in the least - maybe even a woman). The author suggests making honest human connections with your "opponent" and thinking about other people's needs - and if that's not "thinking like a woman" I don't know what is. No bellowing, screaming, or threatening to get the other person fired - translation: no acting like an alpha male.
September 21, 2013
Although extremely repetitive and sometimes verbose, this book did contain many great strategies to winning negotiations. The book's content was great, but the writing mechanics lacked. The whole book (approx. 300 pages) could have been equally as effective if it were 100 pages.
Many phrases in the book scream, "advertisement" because of the repetitive nature of his success stories and frequent sentences prodding the reader to believe him.
By the end, I felt more irritated than helped. There were too many stories of successful people who took his amazing, world-renowned class and too many repetitions and iterations of the phrase, "by doing this, you will, in fact, get more."
The book did teach me a lot, which was the goal of the book, but if the delivery of the content was more concise and to the point, I would have enjoyed it far more.
He could have moved those extraneous success stories to a separate book because those stories could help people of those fields. If he makes this separate book, the stories should be categorized by job or situation.
Many phrases in the book scream, "advertisement" because of the repetitive nature of his success stories and frequent sentences prodding the reader to believe him.
By the end, I felt more irritated than helped. There were too many stories of successful people who took his amazing, world-renowned class and too many repetitions and iterations of the phrase, "by doing this, you will, in fact, get more."
The book did teach me a lot, which was the goal of the book, but if the delivery of the content was more concise and to the point, I would have enjoyed it far more.
He could have moved those extraneous success stories to a separate book because those stories could help people of those fields. If he makes this separate book, the stories should be categorized by job or situation.
January 3, 2023
I'm on page 50 so far, and I'm getting very tired of reading what I'm going to get out of this book. That was fine in the prologue, but move on to the meat of the book already!
Also, if I read one more time about how these tricks will help me whether it's for getting a small discount or for closing a million dollar deal, I will stop reading. Another thing I don't want to hear any more of is how counterintuitive it seems to share this information with the other party in the negotiation, but how we should do it anyway.
Get to the *ucking monkey!
Also, if I read one more time about how these tricks will help me whether it's for getting a small discount or for closing a million dollar deal, I will stop reading. Another thing I don't want to hear any more of is how counterintuitive it seems to share this information with the other party in the negotiation, but how we should do it anyway.
Get to the *ucking monkey!
October 27, 2014
Это одна из лучших книг, которые я когда либо читал на тему переговоров. Конечно есть много хороших книг на эту тему, но концепция этой на голову превосходит прежнее знакомые мне книги.
Книга предназначена не только для деловых людей и для специалистов по продажах например, но также будет весьма полезна для каждого человека без исключения. Она поможет ещё чаще добиваться своих целей в обычной жизни, отстаивать свои интересы, получать то чего хочется, находить взаимопонимания, приходить к договорённостям с близкими и многое тому подобное.
Сам автор превосходный эксперт с очень большим опытом работы. Книга получилась очень профессиональной и вместе с тем очень лёгкой для восприятия. Написана она очень просто и доступно для всех, и уж очень много всего разжевано.
Книга предназначена не только для деловых людей и для специалистов по продажах например, но также будет весьма полезна для каждого человека без исключения. Она поможет ещё чаще добиваться своих целей в обычной жизни, отстаивать свои интересы, получать то чего хочется, находить взаимопонимания, приходить к договорённостям с близкими и многое тому подобное.
Сам автор превосходный эксперт с очень большим опытом работы. Книга получилась очень профессиональной и вместе с тем очень лёгкой для восприятия. Написана она очень просто и доступно для всех, и уж очень много всего разжевано.
August 23, 2022
This book offers some common sense yet admittedly important advice to “getting more” in our society. “Getting more” js defined widely - everything from saving money and getting freebies to reaching compromises with friends + family + strangers. While Diamond is clearly a raging capitalist, I found this book situationally helpful and recommend it to anyone who’s trying to have more effective/diplomatic interactions in sticky situations.
Here were a few of my gripes tho:
Diamond, a negotiations professor at Wharton business school, offers a million and a half situational instances of his students successfully using his negotiation framework. The book could’ve easily been 100 pages shorter without these eventually repetitive examples.
Most of these case studies followed the following formula: “X was nice to a bullied service industry employee. Service industry employee was touched beyond words. X got $Y off their purchase. X is now a billionaire hedge fund manager in New York.” These examples were hard to take seriously - it was easy to imagine Diamond feeding into the confirmation bias of his own students reporting tear jerkingly successful negotiations to pad their class grades. It was also tiring to hear everyone’s success framed by the finance jobs they ended up in, where they so clearly don’t need to be penny pinching their $Y.
One point Diamond makes in the beginning of the book is also a total non sequitur: “the goals are what you are trying to accomplish. Don’t try to establish a relationship unless it brings you closer to your goals. Don’t deal with others’ interests or needs or feelings or anything else unless it brings you closer to your goals.” Sheesh.
Yet later in the book, Diamond gloats about a negotiation success story where Diamond’s American-born student approaches a lonely foreign student from China and strikes up a conversation (for no reason besides goodwill). The Chinese student ends up offering the American student an overseas contractor opportunity once they learn about each other’s interests. The American student indeed “got more”, but not from being an absolute sociopathic shark, and instead from dealing with another person’s needs and interests *without* having an expressed goal in mind.
Tl;dr: good self-help book, even tho the author has a flair for drama + hard on for capitalism
Here were a few of my gripes tho:
Diamond, a negotiations professor at Wharton business school, offers a million and a half situational instances of his students successfully using his negotiation framework. The book could’ve easily been 100 pages shorter without these eventually repetitive examples.
Most of these case studies followed the following formula: “X was nice to a bullied service industry employee. Service industry employee was touched beyond words. X got $Y off their purchase. X is now a billionaire hedge fund manager in New York.” These examples were hard to take seriously - it was easy to imagine Diamond feeding into the confirmation bias of his own students reporting tear jerkingly successful negotiations to pad their class grades. It was also tiring to hear everyone’s success framed by the finance jobs they ended up in, where they so clearly don’t need to be penny pinching their $Y.
One point Diamond makes in the beginning of the book is also a total non sequitur: “the goals are what you are trying to accomplish. Don’t try to establish a relationship unless it brings you closer to your goals. Don’t deal with others’ interests or needs or feelings or anything else unless it brings you closer to your goals.” Sheesh.
Yet later in the book, Diamond gloats about a negotiation success story where Diamond’s American-born student approaches a lonely foreign student from China and strikes up a conversation (for no reason besides goodwill). The Chinese student ends up offering the American student an overseas contractor opportunity once they learn about each other’s interests. The American student indeed “got more”, but not from being an absolute sociopathic shark, and instead from dealing with another person’s needs and interests *without* having an expressed goal in mind.
Tl;dr: good self-help book, even tho the author has a flair for drama + hard on for capitalism
October 1, 2011
An excellent book that teaches you the techniques and tools for effective negotiation with the aim to enable you to get more out of a deal. The first half of the book teaches you to use tools like emotion, role reversal, standards and others so you can have a better idea how the other party that you're dealing with thinks and what you can do to get them to be on your side. The second half of the book is all about applying the tools in everyday life situations so you can get more out of your career, marketplace and even in global politics!
I like how Diamond keeps pointing out that in a negotiation it shouldn't all be about one side winning, but both sides should get something out of the deal. You may want a discount but shouting and screaming about it will get you nowhere, instead you can think from the point of view of the seller and what you can do to help their business in order to give you the discount.
I may have performed some of these techniques before but never in such a thought out and systematic way. Having read this book, I know I will have a much better idea on how to apply them in my own situations and I can't wait to try them out! The tools are not guaranteed to work 100% but it doesn't do any harm to get a little extra something from time to time by applying them.
I like how Diamond keeps pointing out that in a negotiation it shouldn't all be about one side winning, but both sides should get something out of the deal. You may want a discount but shouting and screaming about it will get you nowhere, instead you can think from the point of view of the seller and what you can do to help their business in order to give you the discount.
I may have performed some of these techniques before but never in such a thought out and systematic way. Having read this book, I know I will have a much better idea on how to apply them in my own situations and I can't wait to try them out! The tools are not guaranteed to work 100% but it doesn't do any harm to get a little extra something from time to time by applying them.
April 16, 2014
This book is a mixed bag. The author clearly knows negotiation strategy and tactics. He presents a somewhat more "touchy-feely" approach then I've read in the past. The best takeaways are framing/reframing, picture in other side's head, being incremental, and asking questions. These are all really good tactics and I have little doubt they work in the real world.
Where the book goes off track is in the endless anecdotes. Perhaps greater than 75% of the book can be summarized mild variations on the following:
Alice wants to buy a new watch. She goes to the dealership and finds the price is $30 more than she can spend. She asks the clerk whether there are any discounts she may qualify for while complimenting the clerk on her watch. The clerk makes a personal connection with Alice who walks out of the shop saving $50! Alice is now a CEO of a watchmaker.
After a while, these anecdotes seem trite and repetitive. I really don't care where Alice works now and repeating this same line for Alice, Bob, Carol and all their friends just gets tedious.
Where the book goes off track is in the endless anecdotes. Perhaps greater than 75% of the book can be summarized mild variations on the following:
Alice wants to buy a new watch. She goes to the dealership and finds the price is $30 more than she can spend. She asks the clerk whether there are any discounts she may qualify for while complimenting the clerk on her watch. The clerk makes a personal connection with Alice who walks out of the shop saving $50! Alice is now a CEO of a watchmaker.
After a while, these anecdotes seem trite and repetitive. I really don't care where Alice works now and repeating this same line for Alice, Bob, Carol and all their friends just gets tedious.
June 12, 2020
A lot of great advice, but the 2010 edition needs an update for modern times. The language in several places comes across as insensitive/ignorant (e.g. some people are happy to have an arranged marriage, they're not always bad; the author doesn't do a good job of expressing this).
I like the difference he makes between "getting to yes" (a single outcome) and "getting more" for both parties (infinite ways to accomplish this; less constraining, more creative).
His website no longer offers a usable copy of the "wallet card" summary, so I asked if he could provide one to me. He said yes, but I never actually received it. Oh well.
Despite the poor review, I do recommend reading the book.
I like the difference he makes between "getting to yes" (a single outcome) and "getting more" for both parties (infinite ways to accomplish this; less constraining, more creative).
His website no longer offers a usable copy of the "wallet card" summary, so I asked if he could provide one to me. He said yes, but I never actually received it. Oh well.
Despite the poor review, I do recommend reading the book.
July 28, 2011
This was a good book, that made some very useful and practical observations that will improve my own ability to get more.
I think it could have been done in about 1/3 less pages. Much of the content seemed redundant. That's the only reason I give it three stars rather than four.
I think it could have been done in about 1/3 less pages. Much of the content seemed redundant. That's the only reason I give it three stars rather than four.
November 25, 2011
Моя подробная рецензия на книгу здесь: http://blogs.mail.ru/mail/kalinin_s_i...
February 18, 2014
Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life by Stuart Diamond
"Getting More" is a fabulous practical guide on how to become a better negotiator. This book succeeds in providing readers with the tools necessary to get more out of work and life, and it works! Professor Diamond a teacher at the renowned business school of The Wharton School, produces and pardon the pun, a real gem! Countless and I mean countless number of practical lessons that complement the enlightening instructions on how to become a better negotiator. This useful 418-page book includes the following sixteen chapters: 1. Thinking Differently, 2. People Are (Almost) Everything, 3. Perception and Communication, 4. Hard Bargainers and Standards, 5. Trading Items of Unequal Value, 6. Emotion, 7. Putting It All Together: The Problem-Solving Model, 8. Dealing with Cultural Differences, 9. Getting More at Work, 10. Getting More in the Marketplace, 11. Relationships, 12. Kids and Parents, 13. Travel, 14. Getting More Around Town, 15. Public Issues, and 16. How to Do It.
Positives:
1. An engaging, well-written and practical book.
2. A practical topic, how to get more in work and life.
3. Very few books live up to expectations, this one does and exceeds it.
4. A recreation of Professor Diamond’s famed class.
5. The twelve major strategies of negotiation. Diamond expands on these twelve strategies and provides MANY practical examples on how these function in work and everyday life. By far the biggest strength of this book.
6. The strategies are easy to use and buried in ordinary language.
7. Key quotes that resonate with me. “Common enemies bring parties closer together and make the negotiation easier.”
8. Important educational tidbits throughout the book. “The most important asset you have in any human interaction is your credibility. If people don’t believe you, it’s hard to convince them of anything. Your credibility is more important than your expertise, connections, intelligence, assets, and looks.”
9. The entire negotiation course in three broad questions: 1. What are my goals?, 2. Who are “they”?, and 3. What will it take to persuade them?
10. Debunking perceptions. “If you believe that negotiations are about the substantive issues, sadly, you will be right more than you are persuasive. That means that the truth, the facts, are only one argument in a negotiation. The people and the process are much more important. This is particularly hard for people who are focused on the substance—doctors, engineers, financial experts—to accept. But, based on research, it is true. You can’t even use substantive issues to persuade effectively unless and until the other party is ready to hear about them.”
11. Find out the most important negotiation tool you have.
12. Hard bargaining gems. Great stuff! “Using the other person’s standards is one of the great negotiation tools that most people don’t know about. Standards are especially effective with hard bargainers. Few people know about them, fewer people use them, and almost no one understands the psychological levers that enable them to work in all kinds of situations. I’m not talking about “objective” standards, or criteria that you think are fair. Standards are criteria that the other party thinks are fair.”
13. The keys to successful negotiation. “The key to standards—indeed, to all successful negotiation—is framing. I’ve referred to it earlier in the book. But nowhere is it more important than with standards. Framing means packaging information or presenting it using specific words and phrases that will be persuasive to the other party.”
14. The two kinds of people in competitive life, this is much deeper than meets the eye. “In competitive life, there are two kinds of people: those who are qualified, and those who try to steal from those who are qualified. What this really means is that many, if not most, hard bargainers act the way they do because they lack the skill to meet their goals fair and square. So they have to lie, cheat, and steal.”
15. The power of intangibles.
16. The importance of keeping your emotions in check. “Emotion is the enemy of effective negotiations and of effective negotiators. People who are emotional stop listening. They often become unpredictable and rarely are able to focus on their goals. Because of that, they often hurt themselves and don’t meet their goals. Movies often show scenes of impassioned speeches, suggesting these are highly effective. Whether that is realistic depends on whether the speaker is so emotional that he or she is not thinking clearly.”
17. The Getting More Model. Fantastic!
18. A great chapter on dealing with cultural differences! “Indeed, our collective inability to deal effectively with our differences is the root cause of almost all human conflict since the beginning of time. But to make headway, we first need to understand what “difference,” “diversity,” and “culture” actually mean.”
19. Great practical advice for the workplace.
20. The value of questions. “By not making yourself the issue, you can ask companies hard questions about their service standards. But remember, ask: questions are more powerful than statements.”
21. How to improve relationships, dealing with kids, travel…” The best negotiators are calm, but they are completely focused on their goals. They negotiate in a structured and prepared way.”
22. Absolutely loved the chapter on public issues, sounds like a fantastic idea for a new book. What do you say Professor Diamond? Here’s a teaser, “If the United States and other countries want to succeed at stopping mass terror, we should start providing food, clothing, jobs, housing, and medical care to the people who can find the terrorists. In other words, many more people on the other side have to want to stop the path we are on. We can’t make them.” Another because it’s too damn good not to, “Focusing on meeting the needs of moderates, instead of finding and killing the extremists, is a negotiation strategy that appears cheaper, and with a higher chance of success.”
23. An excellent summary chapter that puts a bow tie on this outstanding book!
Negatives:
1. The book requires an investment of your time. It’s a solid 418 pages worth of reading. In retrospect, it could have been about a hundred pages shorter but it’s a small price to pay for so many practical examples.
2. It’s repetitive. Professor Diamond is true to his roots of teaching where repetition is an educator’s best friend.
3. It doesn’t really go through gender differences.
4. No notes or formal bibliographies.
In summary, this is an outstanding guide! Professor Diamond has made me a better negotiator and it really works. I’ve put into practice what I have learned from this book and it has paid dividends. I am more confident person as a result of this book. I have learned newfound techniques on how best to negotiate, in practically every facet of my life and I have Professor Diamond to thank. Do yourself a favor and read this book, it will change your life. I highly recommend it!
Further recommendations: “Give and Take” by Adam M. Grant, “Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman, “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change" by Stephen R. Covey, "Getting Things Done" by David Allen, "The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business" by Charles Duhigg, "The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It" by Kelly McGonigal Ph.D., "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain, "The One Thing" by Gary Keller, "Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work" and "Switch" by Chip and Dan Heath, "Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't" by Jeffrey Pfeffer, "Outliers: The Story of SuccessRebounders: How Winners Pivot from Setback to Success" and "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell, "Rebounders: How Winners Pivot from Setback to Success" by Rick Newman, and "Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us" by Daniel H. Pink.
"Getting More" is a fabulous practical guide on how to become a better negotiator. This book succeeds in providing readers with the tools necessary to get more out of work and life, and it works! Professor Diamond a teacher at the renowned business school of The Wharton School, produces and pardon the pun, a real gem! Countless and I mean countless number of practical lessons that complement the enlightening instructions on how to become a better negotiator. This useful 418-page book includes the following sixteen chapters: 1. Thinking Differently, 2. People Are (Almost) Everything, 3. Perception and Communication, 4. Hard Bargainers and Standards, 5. Trading Items of Unequal Value, 6. Emotion, 7. Putting It All Together: The Problem-Solving Model, 8. Dealing with Cultural Differences, 9. Getting More at Work, 10. Getting More in the Marketplace, 11. Relationships, 12. Kids and Parents, 13. Travel, 14. Getting More Around Town, 15. Public Issues, and 16. How to Do It.
Positives:
1. An engaging, well-written and practical book.
2. A practical topic, how to get more in work and life.
3. Very few books live up to expectations, this one does and exceeds it.
4. A recreation of Professor Diamond’s famed class.
5. The twelve major strategies of negotiation. Diamond expands on these twelve strategies and provides MANY practical examples on how these function in work and everyday life. By far the biggest strength of this book.
6. The strategies are easy to use and buried in ordinary language.
7. Key quotes that resonate with me. “Common enemies bring parties closer together and make the negotiation easier.”
8. Important educational tidbits throughout the book. “The most important asset you have in any human interaction is your credibility. If people don’t believe you, it’s hard to convince them of anything. Your credibility is more important than your expertise, connections, intelligence, assets, and looks.”
9. The entire negotiation course in three broad questions: 1. What are my goals?, 2. Who are “they”?, and 3. What will it take to persuade them?
10. Debunking perceptions. “If you believe that negotiations are about the substantive issues, sadly, you will be right more than you are persuasive. That means that the truth, the facts, are only one argument in a negotiation. The people and the process are much more important. This is particularly hard for people who are focused on the substance—doctors, engineers, financial experts—to accept. But, based on research, it is true. You can’t even use substantive issues to persuade effectively unless and until the other party is ready to hear about them.”
11. Find out the most important negotiation tool you have.
12. Hard bargaining gems. Great stuff! “Using the other person’s standards is one of the great negotiation tools that most people don’t know about. Standards are especially effective with hard bargainers. Few people know about them, fewer people use them, and almost no one understands the psychological levers that enable them to work in all kinds of situations. I’m not talking about “objective” standards, or criteria that you think are fair. Standards are criteria that the other party thinks are fair.”
13. The keys to successful negotiation. “The key to standards—indeed, to all successful negotiation—is framing. I’ve referred to it earlier in the book. But nowhere is it more important than with standards. Framing means packaging information or presenting it using specific words and phrases that will be persuasive to the other party.”
14. The two kinds of people in competitive life, this is much deeper than meets the eye. “In competitive life, there are two kinds of people: those who are qualified, and those who try to steal from those who are qualified. What this really means is that many, if not most, hard bargainers act the way they do because they lack the skill to meet their goals fair and square. So they have to lie, cheat, and steal.”
15. The power of intangibles.
16. The importance of keeping your emotions in check. “Emotion is the enemy of effective negotiations and of effective negotiators. People who are emotional stop listening. They often become unpredictable and rarely are able to focus on their goals. Because of that, they often hurt themselves and don’t meet their goals. Movies often show scenes of impassioned speeches, suggesting these are highly effective. Whether that is realistic depends on whether the speaker is so emotional that he or she is not thinking clearly.”
17. The Getting More Model. Fantastic!
18. A great chapter on dealing with cultural differences! “Indeed, our collective inability to deal effectively with our differences is the root cause of almost all human conflict since the beginning of time. But to make headway, we first need to understand what “difference,” “diversity,” and “culture” actually mean.”
19. Great practical advice for the workplace.
20. The value of questions. “By not making yourself the issue, you can ask companies hard questions about their service standards. But remember, ask: questions are more powerful than statements.”
21. How to improve relationships, dealing with kids, travel…” The best negotiators are calm, but they are completely focused on their goals. They negotiate in a structured and prepared way.”
22. Absolutely loved the chapter on public issues, sounds like a fantastic idea for a new book. What do you say Professor Diamond? Here’s a teaser, “If the United States and other countries want to succeed at stopping mass terror, we should start providing food, clothing, jobs, housing, and medical care to the people who can find the terrorists. In other words, many more people on the other side have to want to stop the path we are on. We can’t make them.” Another because it’s too damn good not to, “Focusing on meeting the needs of moderates, instead of finding and killing the extremists, is a negotiation strategy that appears cheaper, and with a higher chance of success.”
23. An excellent summary chapter that puts a bow tie on this outstanding book!
Negatives:
1. The book requires an investment of your time. It’s a solid 418 pages worth of reading. In retrospect, it could have been about a hundred pages shorter but it’s a small price to pay for so many practical examples.
2. It’s repetitive. Professor Diamond is true to his roots of teaching where repetition is an educator’s best friend.
3. It doesn’t really go through gender differences.
4. No notes or formal bibliographies.
In summary, this is an outstanding guide! Professor Diamond has made me a better negotiator and it really works. I’ve put into practice what I have learned from this book and it has paid dividends. I am more confident person as a result of this book. I have learned newfound techniques on how best to negotiate, in practically every facet of my life and I have Professor Diamond to thank. Do yourself a favor and read this book, it will change your life. I highly recommend it!
Further recommendations: “Give and Take” by Adam M. Grant, “Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman, “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change" by Stephen R. Covey, "Getting Things Done" by David Allen, "The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business" by Charles Duhigg, "The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It" by Kelly McGonigal Ph.D., "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain, "The One Thing" by Gary Keller, "Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work" and "Switch" by Chip and Dan Heath, "Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't" by Jeffrey Pfeffer, "Outliers: The Story of SuccessRebounders: How Winners Pivot from Setback to Success" and "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell, "Rebounders: How Winners Pivot from Setback to Success" by Rick Newman, and "Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us" by Daniel H. Pink.
April 23, 2017
The author is repeating himself the whole time. There are many nice tips in this book but it would be so much better to read if you wouldn't need to read the same things over and over again. Sometimes i wished a more realistic view on negotiations, not only examples where they say something and it immediately works out for them.
September 3, 2015
Wonderful book, one of my top favs now. If you're in a position where you help people, you need this book. That means it's great for parents, entrepreneurs, leaders of any sort, friends, coworkers, and pretty much everyone else except hermits. It even includes a compelling recipe for world peace.
December 30, 2022
雖然一開始有說學會談判的工具是像提升成功率幾個百分比
但隨後就被體感上千個成功小故事給淹沒了
我覺得如果把書刪成1/4厚度，我讀到的東西可能沒啥減少吧
感覺作者已經把 small talk 內化成不值一提的小事了
對於口頭上的社交等於扣血的我而言，無法理解要怎樣跟銀行行員聊職涯規劃，要怎樣跟客服聊蜜月旅行啦
如果中途耐心耗盡的話，建議可跳到最後一章（其次是最後二章），小故事比重壓低其實有點好看
但隨後就被體感上千個成功小故事給淹沒了
我覺得如果把書刪成1/4厚度，我讀到的東西可能沒啥減少吧
感覺作者已經把 small talk 內化成不值一提的小事了
對於口頭上的社交等於扣血的我而言，無法理解要怎樣跟銀行行員聊職涯規劃，要怎樣跟客服聊蜜月旅行啦
如果中途耐心耗盡的話，建議可跳到最後一章（其次是最後二章），小故事比重壓低其實有點好看
December 30, 2024
Unable to agree the part negotiating with kids. Dont want to build that a transactional relationship
August 12, 2018
GETTING MORE has all the essential negotiation techniques for all aspects of your life: work, home, relationships, kids, and more. It’s a tome at almost 400 pages, which is more than any other business book I’ve read. However, the steps are fairly simple and you aren’t learning 400 pages worth of information. Instead, Diamond teaches through repetition and anecdotes that show practical usages of the the Getting More model in every situation you can imagine.
I’m now determined to try these steps out the next time a retailer or service is treating me unfairly, in business negotiations with my accounts, and even while babysitting. I’ve already gotten a fee reimbursed from Bank of America by using this method, and I know there are many more applications.
The only reason I’ve dropped it a star is that some of the applications have ethical issues. Diamond states it and says it’s up to the negotiator to decide if it’s the right situation to use the method, but he definitely seems to push the usage more than not. I think there could be a whole ethics course about the method. However, none of these negotiation techniques involve manipulation, unlike other books on this subject. It’s often about finding a common need and working together through trading unequal objects, and changing how the question is framed. He even says that if everyone in the negotiation is aware of the method, it works out better for everyone. You don’t have to hide the technique to make it work.
I’m excited to put the method to practical use and see if it changes my opinion of the book. As of now, I’m excited about it and think it has real potential.
I’m now determined to try these steps out the next time a retailer or service is treating me unfairly, in business negotiations with my accounts, and even while babysitting. I’ve already gotten a fee reimbursed from Bank of America by using this method, and I know there are many more applications.
The only reason I’ve dropped it a star is that some of the applications have ethical issues. Diamond states it and says it’s up to the negotiator to decide if it’s the right situation to use the method, but he definitely seems to push the usage more than not. I think there could be a whole ethics course about the method. However, none of these negotiation techniques involve manipulation, unlike other books on this subject. It’s often about finding a common need and working together through trading unequal objects, and changing how the question is framed. He even says that if everyone in the negotiation is aware of the method, it works out better for everyone. You don’t have to hide the technique to make it work.
I’m excited to put the method to practical use and see if it changes my opinion of the book. As of now, I’m excited about it and think it has real potential.
March 18, 2017
Good book on negotiating, however, could have accomplished in half the words used.
This is the third book I have read this month on negotiating methods and ironically the other book were short on real examples while this book you felt you like were drowning in them. In the book 3-D Negotiation: Powerful Tools to Change the Game in Your Most Important Deals by David Lax there is too much theory and not enough practical examples. In Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by former FBI negotiator, it could have used a few more examples. The author, Stuart Diamond, explains how he always assigns his students a project to go out and negotiating for something small or large and come back and report on their success. Consequently, I suspect Diamond had so many good examples to choose from for each issue he had trouble leaving any out (or at least at time it seemed this way).
Despite this small issue, the book is pragmatic (as was Never Split the Difference) and did not suffer from having a preaching academic sense as 3-D Negotiation had.
Diamond’s career has given him many first-hand opportunities to negotiate large and small deals – both in business and government and in this book he clearly explains solid strategies and tactics that apply and many situations.
This is the third book I have read this month on negotiating methods and ironically the other book were short on real examples while this book you felt you like were drowning in them. In the book 3-D Negotiation: Powerful Tools to Change the Game in Your Most Important Deals by David Lax there is too much theory and not enough practical examples. In Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by former FBI negotiator, it could have used a few more examples. The author, Stuart Diamond, explains how he always assigns his students a project to go out and negotiating for something small or large and come back and report on their success. Consequently, I suspect Diamond had so many good examples to choose from for each issue he had trouble leaving any out (or at least at time it seemed this way).
Despite this small issue, the book is pragmatic (as was Never Split the Difference) and did not suffer from having a preaching academic sense as 3-D Negotiation had.
Diamond’s career has given him many first-hand opportunities to negotiate large and small deals – both in business and government and in this book he clearly explains solid strategies and tactics that apply and many situations.
April 23, 2020
There is some really good stuff in here but I also found this book exhausting. The first part of the book - which I enjoyed - focuses on tools of negotiation. The second part focuses on different types of negotiation or what negotiation looks like in different settings: parenting, travel, around town, etc. The author's perspective is if you don't try to negotiate everything you're leaving money and perks on the table. For me that sounds so exhausting, and I kept having to remind myself that if that's true (and I don't think it is), I'm okay paying more if that means not having to expend the emotional energy to negotiate. There are situations in which I will always try to negotiate (salary) and those where I'm happy to just pay the price as stated.
I also think many of the author's negotiation examples sound patronizing and too easy.
I also think many of the author's negotiation examples sound patronizing and too easy.
March 3, 2018
This is very useful book with lots of good ideas and strategies. I would definitely recommend it to anyone.
But it's very verbose and repetitive. Verbosity and repetitiveness have a point though - it makes ideas stuck in your head, you will hear 100500 examples about same points over and over. It is an easy read, but you might become numb after hearing 105th time about some random "Mark, now attorney in New York".
Anyway first part of the book is superb and worth re-reading and making rigorous notes.
But it's very verbose and repetitive. Verbosity and repetitiveness have a point though - it makes ideas stuck in your head, you will hear 100500 examples about same points over and over. It is an easy read, but you might become numb after hearing 105th time about some random "Mark, now attorney in New York".
Anyway first part of the book is superb and worth re-reading and making rigorous notes.
April 16, 2019
I'd actually give 4.25 stars. It is a perfect book for ' An argumentative indian'. Provides a mental model to leave behind the arguments for satisfying egos and instead move towards deals that are win-win for both parties. Be it business or personal life negotiations. Good read.
August 15, 2019
Repetitive but necessarily so!
February 6, 2021
Very good with lots of examples that has given me new perspectives on human interaction and how to achieve goals
December 1, 2021
Great concepts - long-winded
March 13, 2023
Suspendido por el momento
January 14, 2018
very constructive book about negotiations, not a surprise it's the reference and bestseller one.
Book : Getting More: How to Negotiate to Achieve Your Goals in the Real World
Having a clear goal improve your chances by 25%
37 process, substance 8%, ( 55% if people involved trust & lessen & like each other )
Small country, children, women are better negotiator conflict resolution as they don’t relay on row power and use better tools and are more creative.
« Well, I’m just trying to meet my goals, is there some way I could do this better ? »
When you hear no, ask « why not? » I m prepared to negotiate all day.
Avoiding being dragged into arguing over unimportant issues at the expense of your goals.
When people are angry, confused or uncertain they physiologically hear less
People are x5 likely to help you if you treat them as individual : make a human connection
Be nice to people and do not blame.
Negotiations is done when you say so else keep communicating and asking.
If you try to understand the picture in there head you have a starting point to changing their mind.
They must feel that the negotiation is about them and their needs and perception not yours.
Value the others and build a connection.
Acknowledge their power ( position, capability, perception) and they will give you something in return.
Find the decision maker. Don’t waste time with powerless people.
There is a correlation between trust and foreign investment. Adding security cost on the economy.
Fundamental attribution error: you assume that everyone else reacts to things the way that you do.
Almost Everything you say in a negotiation should be a question, it help you find out if they really intended to communicate what you first thing they mean.
Help me out there, I’m confused...
Please tell me where i m wrong here ...
Here are the basic components of effective communication: (l) always communicate, (2) listen and ask questions, (3) value, don't blame them, (4) summarise often, (5) do role reversal, (6) be dispassionate, (7) articulate goals, (8) be firm without damaging the relationship, (9) look for small signals, (10) discuss perceptual differences, (11) find out how they make commitments, (12) consult before deciding, (13) focus on what you can control, and (14) avoid debating who is right.
Listening to the other side and asking questions. Validating their perceptions. What you say is less important than what they say. What you think you said is less important than what they think they’ve heard.
In order to persuade them, you need to listen to what they are saying, verbally and nonverbally. The more you try to blame them, the less they will listen. The more you value them, the more they will listen. This is true for virtually everyone, including children, government officials, sales reps, and customers.
Summarise and reframe your understanding periodically
Best reply to “you are an idiot » : be dispassionate : « why do you think I’m » : gather more data and ask for more information
Japanese companies often bring a lot of people to meetings to carefully watch and listen to the other side: subtle turns of phrase, hand or eye movements, when they take notes, when they look down, and so forth.
This provides a great deal of information. After the meeting, the Japanese team gets together and compares notes.
Consult the people who the decision will affect to value them so they accept the deal too.
We have no control over what happened yesterday. As much as we’d like to change yesterday, we can't.
Fighting over what happened yesterday will never get you anywhere in a negotiation.
Fighting over yesterday has three main outcomes: (a) war, (b) litigation, or (c) no deal. It is expensive, time-consuming, and painful, and often will not end the conflict. And it leads people to lose sight of their goals.
Who is right is pointless in a negotiation : what we do now, how we prevent this to happen a gain.
One cannot tell anyone anything unless they are ready to hear it.
Sense thier standard and used against them, people they want to be consistent : company rules or history exceptions or previous statements. They don’t want to admit they are not honest, a standard is a compass to doing the right thing.
What are the standard and norm that salary and bonus where set ?
If the CEO is in this call, would you approve.
( now they know if they violating the standard they risk big )
Go incremental: start from the picture in their mind and go from there.
Far enough: do you want to do an agreement, do you want to have a happy costumer.
It provides an anchor for the negotiation.
Every ceiling is a new floor.
You are just helping them to see the issue in a different way
Put aside your emotion, seek what are fears, dream, sense their emoution, how they value life : show that you care for them.
World is better if you are nice to people and care about them it’s much more better world, and whats wrong get more and they are happy costumer and committed one.
Emotional payment need to be done sometime also search common enemy,
We disagree thats great we will do more money
Paint a picture for them.
"Do you ever restore people's miles when they have been late paying their bill?" I asked. "Sure," she said. "When?" I asked.
She said, "When they apologise, when they thank me, when they promise never to do it again, and when they are nice to me."
I said, "You know, I really apologise for being late on my account. I'd really thank you if you could restore the miles for me. I promise never to do it again. And I think you are a really nice person." She laughed and said, "The miles are already back in your account."
Not to do : “how dare you call me a jerk, you jerk”
In naming the bad behaviour you never makes yourself the issue.
“Why are you swearing at me ? I would never curse at you. Why we respect you”
The Reverend Martin Luther King, with his strategy of nonviolence, produced the same reaction.
White supremacists finally became so extreme that they lost the support of the political system and most of the rest of the nation.
Focus on execution and your goals: not on winning or losing.
Execute and focus: what are my goals, what standards should I use, what are their needs, can I invoke any common enemies, can I form a vision of a relationship, who is their decision-maker, etc.
Before you negotiate, to be sure, you will strategize and prepare. Then you will focus and execute your strategy, dispassionately. If you see a problem, you'll take a break, reexamine your strategy, make any needed changes. Then you will go back into the negotiation and execute again.
You expand the pie, meet your goals, find options, trade items of unequal value. Do guesses to prob them and extract the information.
Take the case of family-owned businesses. More than 90 percent of all businesses in the world are owned by families. At least two-thirds of the gross national product of developed countries comes from family-owned businesses, as well as two-thirds of employment. The numbers are higher in developing countries. The world of The Wall Street Journal, that of widely held public companies, is not where most people spend their time.
He said he has reduced overall his business strategy to one question he learned in class: "What costs you nothing that gives me what I want, and what costs me nothing that gives you what you want?' He added that he discloses a lot of information, is transparent about his plans, and overprepares. "Being smart is not what makes you a good negotiator," he said. "You are a good negotiator because you can see the future. And that comes from preparation."
USA Legal system is less expensive compared to other countries: 0.5% GDP.
In USA businesses relays in legal system, in a corrupt country they relay on trust and sensing.
if you can be trusted If they start talking about nonbusiness : they want to check and build trust, check you as a person.
Cultural fatigue is after 6 month trying be other cultural, do what you like in the other culture but be your self. Being different add a value.
10% increase of diversity add 15% salary increases, it’s not by chance that silicon valley is in San Francisco most diverse and tolerant place in USA.
Its better to add a cultural adviser : who can translate the language and culture to fill the gap.
Ronald Reagan : “Trust but verify”
The strongest basis for a relationship is an attraction based on feelings.
This includes personal chemistry, trust, mutual needs, social bonds, shared experiences, and common enemies.
The stronger these qualities, the more of a commitment that people make to each other.
The mediator should not take a side, he should be neutral, you are the confident of each side, ask questions: standard and goals.
The worst the relation the more separation : talk with them separately.
If someone is unfair to his promise: threaten to windrow.
Negotiation with children:
#1 figures out the picture in their mind
#2 crying is the plan B
Stop and lessen to what they say, ignoring then is an insult and they will do same to your talk ( lessen and understand: this give the child self esteem)
Let them in your decision making if possible, consultant them, empower them.
Frame on the Childs need, he will not understand your needs
Play role reversals.
Trust is build by sharing activities with your kids and time.
It’s always my fault, if my son break something: why I didn’t train him better.
They need to make sure that your love is unconditional but explain why you forbidden something.
It's important to be sensitive to your kids' need to relieve stress. If you aren't, they may later turn to things you like a lot less smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs. Sometimes kids wants to watch TV just to chill out, Maybe he doesn’t want to do his homework just then, he’s too fededup.
Ask your child for help ( internet, phone …) this value them and they will value you on return.
Persistance is the key : neaver quite take time to get to know the other person
The more details the more you can convince.
“When you make exceptions”
The best negotiator are calm, but they are completely focused on their goals, they negotiate in a structured and prepared way.
Don't threaten to leave or divorce but show how much you have invested in the relation.
The harder you work the luckiest you get.
Ask people their opinion. It values them. Each adult has lived a lot of years. They've seen things you haven't. Each one of them has something to teach you if you pay attention.
It wasn’t about being right but about meeting ones goal.
It is estimated that sanctions cost the United States up to $20 billion a year in lost exports. Even if you can make an argument for their use, there are usually better negotiation options using the kinds of tools. Let's look at some, First, the opposite of sanctions: flooding the market. One reason the former Soviet Union fell was the increasing internal demand for foreign culture, representing a better life. From blue jeans to computers, movies to magazines, Western goods and services have proven to be a powerful door opener. They are harder to resist.
Sanction unite the country, poor and middle class will suffer the most. The leader and rich are unaffected by sanctions.
In long term they are bypassed by the innovative black market.
In South Africa, a dead whale was found on the beach, the white sharks sometimes leap from the water in snagging birds and seals. For hours the sharks gorged themselves on the whale,
so much so that they could hardly move, They just floated in the water as if drunk. Divers went into the cages, right next to the sharks. Instead of the usual attacking and bumping, the sharks had no interest in the divers. This is a great analogy: when people get their needs met, they are generally much less interested in fighting.
There is nothing intrinsic about Arabs and Jews that causes them to be enemies. Hundreds of thousands of Arabs live in Israel; surveys show most are happy with their environment. A basis for successful negotiation is a coalition of diverse people built around collective interests: the necessities of life.
Book : Getting More: How to Negotiate to Achieve Your Goals in the Real World
Having a clear goal improve your chances by 25%
37 process, substance 8%, ( 55% if people involved trust & lessen & like each other )
Small country, children, women are better negotiator conflict resolution as they don’t relay on row power and use better tools and are more creative.
« Well, I’m just trying to meet my goals, is there some way I could do this better ? »
When you hear no, ask « why not? » I m prepared to negotiate all day.
Avoiding being dragged into arguing over unimportant issues at the expense of your goals.
When people are angry, confused or uncertain they physiologically hear less
People are x5 likely to help you if you treat them as individual : make a human connection
Be nice to people and do not blame.
Negotiations is done when you say so else keep communicating and asking.
If you try to understand the picture in there head you have a starting point to changing their mind.
They must feel that the negotiation is about them and their needs and perception not yours.
Value the others and build a connection.
Acknowledge their power ( position, capability, perception) and they will give you something in return.
Find the decision maker. Don’t waste time with powerless people.
There is a correlation between trust and foreign investment. Adding security cost on the economy.
Fundamental attribution error: you assume that everyone else reacts to things the way that you do.
Almost Everything you say in a negotiation should be a question, it help you find out if they really intended to communicate what you first thing they mean.
Help me out there, I’m confused...
Please tell me where i m wrong here ...
Here are the basic components of effective communication: (l) always communicate, (2) listen and ask questions, (3) value, don't blame them, (4) summarise often, (5) do role reversal, (6) be dispassionate, (7) articulate goals, (8) be firm without damaging the relationship, (9) look for small signals, (10) discuss perceptual differences, (11) find out how they make commitments, (12) consult before deciding, (13) focus on what you can control, and (14) avoid debating who is right.
Listening to the other side and asking questions. Validating their perceptions. What you say is less important than what they say. What you think you said is less important than what they think they’ve heard.
In order to persuade them, you need to listen to what they are saying, verbally and nonverbally. The more you try to blame them, the less they will listen. The more you value them, the more they will listen. This is true for virtually everyone, including children, government officials, sales reps, and customers.
Summarise and reframe your understanding periodically
Best reply to “you are an idiot » : be dispassionate : « why do you think I’m » : gather more data and ask for more information
Japanese companies often bring a lot of people to meetings to carefully watch and listen to the other side: subtle turns of phrase, hand or eye movements, when they take notes, when they look down, and so forth.
This provides a great deal of information. After the meeting, the Japanese team gets together and compares notes.
Consult the people who the decision will affect to value them so they accept the deal too.
We have no control over what happened yesterday. As much as we’d like to change yesterday, we can't.
Fighting over what happened yesterday will never get you anywhere in a negotiation.
Fighting over yesterday has three main outcomes: (a) war, (b) litigation, or (c) no deal. It is expensive, time-consuming, and painful, and often will not end the conflict. And it leads people to lose sight of their goals.
Who is right is pointless in a negotiation : what we do now, how we prevent this to happen a gain.
One cannot tell anyone anything unless they are ready to hear it.
Sense thier standard and used against them, people they want to be consistent : company rules or history exceptions or previous statements. They don’t want to admit they are not honest, a standard is a compass to doing the right thing.
What are the standard and norm that salary and bonus where set ?
If the CEO is in this call, would you approve.
( now they know if they violating the standard they risk big )
Go incremental: start from the picture in their mind and go from there.
Far enough: do you want to do an agreement, do you want to have a happy costumer.
It provides an anchor for the negotiation.
Every ceiling is a new floor.
You are just helping them to see the issue in a different way
Put aside your emotion, seek what are fears, dream, sense their emoution, how they value life : show that you care for them.
World is better if you are nice to people and care about them it’s much more better world, and whats wrong get more and they are happy costumer and committed one.
Emotional payment need to be done sometime also search common enemy,
We disagree thats great we will do more money
Paint a picture for them.
"Do you ever restore people's miles when they have been late paying their bill?" I asked. "Sure," she said. "When?" I asked.
She said, "When they apologise, when they thank me, when they promise never to do it again, and when they are nice to me."
I said, "You know, I really apologise for being late on my account. I'd really thank you if you could restore the miles for me. I promise never to do it again. And I think you are a really nice person." She laughed and said, "The miles are already back in your account."
Not to do : “how dare you call me a jerk, you jerk”
In naming the bad behaviour you never makes yourself the issue.
“Why are you swearing at me ? I would never curse at you. Why we respect you”
The Reverend Martin Luther King, with his strategy of nonviolence, produced the same reaction.
White supremacists finally became so extreme that they lost the support of the political system and most of the rest of the nation.
Focus on execution and your goals: not on winning or losing.
Execute and focus: what are my goals, what standards should I use, what are their needs, can I invoke any common enemies, can I form a vision of a relationship, who is their decision-maker, etc.
Before you negotiate, to be sure, you will strategize and prepare. Then you will focus and execute your strategy, dispassionately. If you see a problem, you'll take a break, reexamine your strategy, make any needed changes. Then you will go back into the negotiation and execute again.
You expand the pie, meet your goals, find options, trade items of unequal value. Do guesses to prob them and extract the information.
Take the case of family-owned businesses. More than 90 percent of all businesses in the world are owned by families. At least two-thirds of the gross national product of developed countries comes from family-owned businesses, as well as two-thirds of employment. The numbers are higher in developing countries. The world of The Wall Street Journal, that of widely held public companies, is not where most people spend their time.
He said he has reduced overall his business strategy to one question he learned in class: "What costs you nothing that gives me what I want, and what costs me nothing that gives you what you want?' He added that he discloses a lot of information, is transparent about his plans, and overprepares. "Being smart is not what makes you a good negotiator," he said. "You are a good negotiator because you can see the future. And that comes from preparation."
USA Legal system is less expensive compared to other countries: 0.5% GDP.
In USA businesses relays in legal system, in a corrupt country they relay on trust and sensing.
if you can be trusted If they start talking about nonbusiness : they want to check and build trust, check you as a person.
Cultural fatigue is after 6 month trying be other cultural, do what you like in the other culture but be your self. Being different add a value.
10% increase of diversity add 15% salary increases, it’s not by chance that silicon valley is in San Francisco most diverse and tolerant place in USA.
Its better to add a cultural adviser : who can translate the language and culture to fill the gap.
Ronald Reagan : “Trust but verify”
The strongest basis for a relationship is an attraction based on feelings.
This includes personal chemistry, trust, mutual needs, social bonds, shared experiences, and common enemies.
The stronger these qualities, the more of a commitment that people make to each other.
The mediator should not take a side, he should be neutral, you are the confident of each side, ask questions: standard and goals.
The worst the relation the more separation : talk with them separately.
If someone is unfair to his promise: threaten to windrow.
Negotiation with children:
#1 figures out the picture in their mind
#2 crying is the plan B
Stop and lessen to what they say, ignoring then is an insult and they will do same to your talk ( lessen and understand: this give the child self esteem)
Let them in your decision making if possible, consultant them, empower them.
Frame on the Childs need, he will not understand your needs
Play role reversals.
Trust is build by sharing activities with your kids and time.
It’s always my fault, if my son break something: why I didn’t train him better.
They need to make sure that your love is unconditional but explain why you forbidden something.
It's important to be sensitive to your kids' need to relieve stress. If you aren't, they may later turn to things you like a lot less smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs. Sometimes kids wants to watch TV just to chill out, Maybe he doesn’t want to do his homework just then, he’s too fededup.
Ask your child for help ( internet, phone …) this value them and they will value you on return.
Persistance is the key : neaver quite take time to get to know the other person
The more details the more you can convince.
“When you make exceptions”
The best negotiator are calm, but they are completely focused on their goals, they negotiate in a structured and prepared way.
Don't threaten to leave or divorce but show how much you have invested in the relation.
The harder you work the luckiest you get.
Ask people their opinion. It values them. Each adult has lived a lot of years. They've seen things you haven't. Each one of them has something to teach you if you pay attention.
It wasn’t about being right but about meeting ones goal.
It is estimated that sanctions cost the United States up to $20 billion a year in lost exports. Even if you can make an argument for their use, there are usually better negotiation options using the kinds of tools. Let's look at some, First, the opposite of sanctions: flooding the market. One reason the former Soviet Union fell was the increasing internal demand for foreign culture, representing a better life. From blue jeans to computers, movies to magazines, Western goods and services have proven to be a powerful door opener. They are harder to resist.
Sanction unite the country, poor and middle class will suffer the most. The leader and rich are unaffected by sanctions.
In long term they are bypassed by the innovative black market.
In South Africa, a dead whale was found on the beach, the white sharks sometimes leap from the water in snagging birds and seals. For hours the sharks gorged themselves on the whale,
so much so that they could hardly move, They just floated in the water as if drunk. Divers went into the cages, right next to the sharks. Instead of the usual attacking and bumping, the sharks had no interest in the divers. This is a great analogy: when people get their needs met, they are generally much less interested in fighting.
There is nothing intrinsic about Arabs and Jews that causes them to be enemies. Hundreds of thousands of Arabs live in Israel; surveys show most are happy with their environment. A basis for successful negotiation is a coalition of diverse people built around collective interests: the necessities of life.
February 11, 2025
I have heard of the 50-page rule; that is, give a book 50 pages before you decide if you want to finish. I gave Stuart Diamond’s book Getting More 30 pages (32 to be exact, so a bonus two pages) to convince me. Why? Because not only is it reasonable to expect a book about negotiation to present the hook within the first 30 pages, but as a meta-object, the book itself has one job: to entice. As a product of capitalism, I’m expected to see that book on the shelves and feel a stirring, a seed of curiosity, a reaching out of the hand, which may lead to a skim, an opening to a random page, and then the end goal (“know your goal” is the most important bullet point according to Stuart, after all) of purchase. As the all-caps claim screams on the front of the book, THE NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER, and “get what you want every time”, framing itself almost as a book on witchcraft than negotiation, echoing Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret. The message is clear: learn this skill, and the world is your oyster.
To begin, the book’s very own advertising is gender-coded. The bunnies on the front suggest a masculine dog-eat-dog world in which prey dynamics are the subliminal message powering negotiation. That we are taming our more wild, violent, aggressive nature down to a more productive, methodical negotiation tactic. The bunny with more carrots is straight and tall and facing you, standing on two feet as a mimicry of humanness echoed in the dramaticism of Animal Farm or Planet of the Apes, while the bunny with fewer carrots has their back to you, on all fours, more subdued, looking up with awe and envy at their more well-fed counterpart. “If only I could be you,” that bunny says. “If only I could do that unnatural pose, mimicking humans more than bunnies, with all those yummy carrots.” Be someone who you aren’t, the cover says. Someone please tell Stuart that bunnies also eat their own feces, which are rich in nutrients. So that bunny with seemingly less? They’ll be fine.
Perhaps the most glaring absence in these first 32 pages is Stuart’s failure to properly address the role of fear in negotiation, as it pertains to women. At least not in the first 32 pages, which is necessary for engagement. I was taught to fist my keys between my fingers as I walked to my car in middle school, before I could even drive or had thoughts of driving. Through entertainment and news, and for decades, if not centuries, if not thousands of years, we have witnessed disproportionate global violence towards women, sometimes for a plot point and sometimes as a war tactic and sometimes, yes, as a negotiating tactic between two men. (See: mass-rapes of Jewish women on and since Oct 7th.)
This book is written from the point of view of a man who is far removed from the daily negotiations women have to deal with every day. Maybe he should have co-authored this book with a woman, but I’m not sure he would know how to negotiate well enough to do so. The deficit with which he approaches modern day negotiation in 2025 for women makes reading Getting More more like an out-of-touch manifesto. Perhaps Diamond forgot the most important role of negotiation from a woman’s point of view (not a huge blind spot, only half the population of the world and thus his readership), which is: how one negotiates is largely dictated by the position that person is starting from, or perceives they are starting from, in relation to fear. Stuart has attempts at this, with bite-sized, easily digestible popcorn-bullet-points, like “embrace differences” and “don’t deceive people.” Tell me, Stuart, how does a woman negotiate as she stands in front of her superior, alone in his office, as he indicates that her eligibility for upward mobility is tied to the frequency and level of sexual favors she is willing to give him? Knowing that reporting him will get her fired, and pressing charges will lead to not only public humiliation and backlash, but loud skeptics who don’t think it even happened? Tell me, Stuart, in a situation involving a gendered power dynamic that you literally will never be in, how can you help me? How can you “put yourself in the other’s shoes,” as you say, when you can’t even walk in heels?
I can walk in heels. And I can spot a man who can’t, trying to tell me how to walk. I know how to negotiate as it pertains to being a woman in 2025. Women are born into a culture that unequally puts the burden of cooperation, negotiation, and likability on women, teaches women to put their interests on the back burner for the furtherment of others, frames female-to-male servitude as a virtue, and values women by how selfless they can be. We see this in modern day relational dynamics. Women constitute the majority of household labor, childcare labor, decision fatigue, mental load, etc. in their marriages, even while expected to financially contribute 50/50 with their husband as a sign of modern day "equality." Women carry most of the emotional labor in contrast to a generation of men who are incapable of emotionally communicating. I am “bitchy” while a man has “leadership skills.” I am “pushy” while a man is “driven.” I am “difficult” while a man is “headstrong.” The same values you try and apply to both genders are not interpreted in the same way. Women couldn’t own credit cards until 1974, a husband could legally rape his wife up until 1993, and today, you can damn a 14 year old girl to motherhood by banning abortions while adoption agencies require full home inspections, criminal background checks, financial stability, proof of adequate housing, etc. Stuart, can you help us negotiate getting our rights back? Have you ever even known what that’s like? Spoiler alert, there are zero laws that govern the rights of male bodies. So, *checks notes*, no.
The same gripe I have with Stuart’s view of negotiating is the same one Holly Whitaker had towards Alcoholics Anonymous in her book Quit Like A Woman (2019), which outlines how Alcoholics Anonymous not only was made for men but has coded sobriety from a male perspective. That is, framing sobriety as only achievable through steps pertaining to humility, the acceptance of powerlessness, and the shedding of self-aggrandizing ego. It’s no surprise that AA was formed in the 1930s by upper-middle-class Protestant white men who were sick from wielding too much power, and packaged a spirituality based on shedding that machismo. In other words, Whitaker writes, “those who wrote the rules were those who sat (and still sit) at the top of society- a society made in their image and designed to protect them. They enjoyed unquestioned authority and unchecked power… For an ego like this, the Twelve Steps make sense. To be reminded you are not God, to become right-sized, to refrain from questioning rules, to humble yourself, to admit your weakness. They are in essence instructions on how to be a woman, and to those men, the rules were medicine. To act in this manner was a crazy, new way of being, and felt like freedom. But to a woman or any other oppressed group, being told to renounce power is just more of the same shit. It’s what made us [women] sick in the first place.” (pg 114-115)
In the first 30 pages of Stuart’s book, let’s look at how he claims he has helped people through negotiation, organized by gender. These are incomplete lists of every time a person is mentioned and what relevant details Stuart thought was necessary to include.
Men:
- Ilan Rosenberg, a “seasoned attorney” (pg 26)
- Bob Woolf, a “retired sports agent superstar” (pg 27)
- Michael Phelps, “Olympic swimming champion” (pg 26)
- Lance Armstrong, “seven-time Tour de France winner” (pg 26)
- Diego Etheto, who called an airline thirteen times to get a refund (pg 27) (When a woman does this, she’s emotional, but when a man does this, he’s proactive? Hm.)
- Jack Callahan, an NYU executive MBA student (pg 27)
- Evan Claar, a hedgefund manager in New York (pg 30)
- Alexei Lougovtsov, a trader for Merill Lynch in London, cited Diamond’s classes as allowing him to have a “much happier and healthier life, a more successful career and better relationships.” (pg 30) When diving into how it helped in his relationships, Diamond cites Lougovstov convincing his girlfriend to go with him to boxing camp for a week. “His girlfriend works on Wall Street, and her friends were making fun of her for not standing up to her boyfriend and demanding, say, Barbados and beaches.” Clears throat. Stuart. This is mild sexism if not full-blown absurdity, as a woman who hates the beach (me) and who could knock a guy out if I had to. He convinced her by saying the boxing camp had “resume value”, without explanation or proof, basically saying his girlfriend, who already works on Wall Street and may be as successful, if not more, than him, needs a resume booster by putting her around violent men hitting stuff would somehow benefit her career. Oh but here we go, the justification: “Her horizons were broadened.” (pg 31) Forgive the female scientist here asking for proof but, huh? Sorry, I meant, how? Was this self-reported, or reported by the boyfriend who seemed to consistently ignore what his girlfriend wants enough for her friends to step in and suggest she stand up for herself?
Women:
- Diamond describes a female student as “slight” and “very timid at first,” framing these as an inherent personality trait rather than a genetic slimness/shortness and learned behaviors from very real-world problems. “She avoided most negotiations and had a hard time meeting her goals.” Interesting that ineptitude is framed as wholistic, while the male examples had specific challenges they were overcoming.
- Colleen Sorrentino “got the confidence to tell her husband, without nagging, that he promised to go food shopping so she could study.” Before we go further in Stuart’s description, let’s stop here. The term “nag” is female-coded up the wazoo, almost abusive and a tactic in domestic violence conflicts. Didn’t Stuart just praise a man for trolling an airline by calling them 13 times? Interesting. Secondly, no wife is “nagging” when they remind their doofus husband to go grocery shopping. Reminding someone of a promise they made (to feed their family, no less) is not a nag, not a wife’s responsibility, and *checks notes again* not her problem. The problem here is her husband, who needs reminding of his promises (responsibilities) and who apparently forgets to feed his family. “ ‘I didn’t argue, and for once, I didn’t get emotional… I always tended to feel guilty when I asked for something,’ said Colleen, now a managing director at her family’s brokerage firm, Wall Street Access.” (pg 28) I’m sorry, what fresh bullshit is this? Framing women as almost hysterical but Stuart’s wisdom helped her, “for once” not getting emotional? Leaning into a woman’s insecurity about an unequal marriage, all so she can study? And let’s not move too quickly past the part where she is now a director of a brokerage firm? (Stuart felt the need to include that it’s her family’s, and therefore downplay her accomplishment, was unnecessary. Just say she’s a director of a brokerage firm without letting your own male insecurity get in the way. You certainly don’t do it for any of the males you mention.) Diamond makes sure to add her current ‘empowering’-sounding job with the buzz word ‘Wall Street’ included, to insinuate that she was a naggy, needy wife before his wisdom and now she has her big girl pants on doing a big girl job. In reality, no wife shouldn’t have to remind a husband of his own promise to go food shopping, and if that is considered a high stakes negotiation, Colleen, file for divorce please. And please don’t hire Stuart to be your mediator.
- Sharon Walker, whose mother was dying of breast cancer and who was planning for a family, needing to negotiate asking her mother to record herself reading children’s books. (pg 28)
- Colleen McDermott used the tools in this book to disconnect from her cable TV company, negotiated a discount at her local florist, got food at a restaurant, reconnected with two friends, convinced her boyfriend to come to her house for thanksgiving, learned to not become flustered during tense negotiations… all while she was a Wharton student” (pg 30) (About the fifth time he has plugged Wharton and Penn. We get it, Stu, you worked there).
Stuart’s conclusion: The negotiating goals of women are domesticity, and the goals of men are specifically career-coded. I.e. the struggles for women are familial and non-monetary, almost trad-wifey, while the struggles of men are around championships, money, and corporate ascendency.
Stuart tries, and for that, I give him a pat on the head and a cookie. On page 23, he puffs out his feminist chest and claims, “Women stereotypically tend to be better negotiators than men. First, women listen more. They collect information. And more information leads to better persuasion and better results. Second, women try a lot harder to learn the tools in Getting more. That’s because we still live in a male-dominated world. Women have less raw power, and this is too often used against them.” (Cue le sigh.) Women do not “listen more.” We are steamrolled, bulldozed over, interrupted, spoke over, ignored, and conversationally cut out by big loud children in suits. I listen to those men like I listen to a screaming child who just needs a nap. I patiently wait until they wear themselves out. Men are perfectly capable of listening as much as women, and coding this ability to listen to others as gendered female is not only untrue, it excuses men’s continued resistance to listening (especially to women). Next: “they collect information.” This vaguely conspiracy-theory-sounding claim about women speaks to male discomfort/mockery with women gathering, gossiping, and exchanging information. Everything from women being mocked for going to the bathroom in groups to the Taliban’s current ban in Afghanistan for women speaking in public all lends itself a conspiratorial distrust spanning centuries framing the words of women as dangerous and powerful, a la Lady-Macbeth-vibes. Stuart, do you think I have a secret little box where I collect my secret little information? Is there something about collecting information that don’t see men able to do and thus color code this as female? Is “collect information” a fancy way of saying… women actually listen? This weird claim of his also ignores the need for women to collect information as a personal safety tactic, taught to us as far back as middle school, as I mentioned before (Stuart, were ya listening?). Perhaps female students’ ability to ace Stuart’s classes more than male students, as he reports, has less to do with women “trying harder” and more about the fact that we arrive at these classes already ahead. We already know a lot of what Stuart is about to teach the male students. Stuart’s flavor is basically constructive empathy, useful empathy, empathy that’s worth it, that gets you something, verses empathy that’s not worth it if it doesn’t add to your goal, and frames empathy for its own sake as a waste at best and a personal danger at worst. And this is where my own theory about men comes in so, Stuart, time to do that very female-thing called listening: for men, the dangling carrot of individual gains is the only thing that makes the hard work of interpersonal empathy worth it. While women have been forced to build their empathy from safety concerns, unequal expectations of likeability and not-rocking-the-boat, internalizing their emotions for the betterment of those around them, etc., men are starting from near scratch and the only incentive to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is literally personal gain. I’ll say the quiet part out loud: that is embarrassing. Stuart, you negotiated this morning when you bought your first cup of coffee? Cool, I negotiated last weekend by using a series of learned, complex maneuvers in a bar to avoid being touched, prodded, petted, and harassed by men, and avoid getting my drink poisoned with Rohpnol and GHB. I negotiated by buying a nail polish that, when dipped in your cocktail, changes color in the presence of a date-rape drug. I negotiated by, when on the phone with my father, I was aggressively harassed by a man on the sidewalk and turned around and yelled “F*ck you!” In fact, that was my fastest negotiation, apart from running away. My most successful negotiations are ones in which I stopped negotiating. I look forward to Stuart Diamond’s next book, Stop Negotiating: For Women. That is, if he’s been listening.
To begin, the book’s very own advertising is gender-coded. The bunnies on the front suggest a masculine dog-eat-dog world in which prey dynamics are the subliminal message powering negotiation. That we are taming our more wild, violent, aggressive nature down to a more productive, methodical negotiation tactic. The bunny with more carrots is straight and tall and facing you, standing on two feet as a mimicry of humanness echoed in the dramaticism of Animal Farm or Planet of the Apes, while the bunny with fewer carrots has their back to you, on all fours, more subdued, looking up with awe and envy at their more well-fed counterpart. “If only I could be you,” that bunny says. “If only I could do that unnatural pose, mimicking humans more than bunnies, with all those yummy carrots.” Be someone who you aren’t, the cover says. Someone please tell Stuart that bunnies also eat their own feces, which are rich in nutrients. So that bunny with seemingly less? They’ll be fine.
Perhaps the most glaring absence in these first 32 pages is Stuart’s failure to properly address the role of fear in negotiation, as it pertains to women. At least not in the first 32 pages, which is necessary for engagement. I was taught to fist my keys between my fingers as I walked to my car in middle school, before I could even drive or had thoughts of driving. Through entertainment and news, and for decades, if not centuries, if not thousands of years, we have witnessed disproportionate global violence towards women, sometimes for a plot point and sometimes as a war tactic and sometimes, yes, as a negotiating tactic between two men. (See: mass-rapes of Jewish women on and since Oct 7th.)
This book is written from the point of view of a man who is far removed from the daily negotiations women have to deal with every day. Maybe he should have co-authored this book with a woman, but I’m not sure he would know how to negotiate well enough to do so. The deficit with which he approaches modern day negotiation in 2025 for women makes reading Getting More more like an out-of-touch manifesto. Perhaps Diamond forgot the most important role of negotiation from a woman’s point of view (not a huge blind spot, only half the population of the world and thus his readership), which is: how one negotiates is largely dictated by the position that person is starting from, or perceives they are starting from, in relation to fear. Stuart has attempts at this, with bite-sized, easily digestible popcorn-bullet-points, like “embrace differences” and “don’t deceive people.” Tell me, Stuart, how does a woman negotiate as she stands in front of her superior, alone in his office, as he indicates that her eligibility for upward mobility is tied to the frequency and level of sexual favors she is willing to give him? Knowing that reporting him will get her fired, and pressing charges will lead to not only public humiliation and backlash, but loud skeptics who don’t think it even happened? Tell me, Stuart, in a situation involving a gendered power dynamic that you literally will never be in, how can you help me? How can you “put yourself in the other’s shoes,” as you say, when you can’t even walk in heels?
I can walk in heels. And I can spot a man who can’t, trying to tell me how to walk. I know how to negotiate as it pertains to being a woman in 2025. Women are born into a culture that unequally puts the burden of cooperation, negotiation, and likability on women, teaches women to put their interests on the back burner for the furtherment of others, frames female-to-male servitude as a virtue, and values women by how selfless they can be. We see this in modern day relational dynamics. Women constitute the majority of household labor, childcare labor, decision fatigue, mental load, etc. in their marriages, even while expected to financially contribute 50/50 with their husband as a sign of modern day "equality." Women carry most of the emotional labor in contrast to a generation of men who are incapable of emotionally communicating. I am “bitchy” while a man has “leadership skills.” I am “pushy” while a man is “driven.” I am “difficult” while a man is “headstrong.” The same values you try and apply to both genders are not interpreted in the same way. Women couldn’t own credit cards until 1974, a husband could legally rape his wife up until 1993, and today, you can damn a 14 year old girl to motherhood by banning abortions while adoption agencies require full home inspections, criminal background checks, financial stability, proof of adequate housing, etc. Stuart, can you help us negotiate getting our rights back? Have you ever even known what that’s like? Spoiler alert, there are zero laws that govern the rights of male bodies. So, *checks notes*, no.
The same gripe I have with Stuart’s view of negotiating is the same one Holly Whitaker had towards Alcoholics Anonymous in her book Quit Like A Woman (2019), which outlines how Alcoholics Anonymous not only was made for men but has coded sobriety from a male perspective. That is, framing sobriety as only achievable through steps pertaining to humility, the acceptance of powerlessness, and the shedding of self-aggrandizing ego. It’s no surprise that AA was formed in the 1930s by upper-middle-class Protestant white men who were sick from wielding too much power, and packaged a spirituality based on shedding that machismo. In other words, Whitaker writes, “those who wrote the rules were those who sat (and still sit) at the top of society- a society made in their image and designed to protect them. They enjoyed unquestioned authority and unchecked power… For an ego like this, the Twelve Steps make sense. To be reminded you are not God, to become right-sized, to refrain from questioning rules, to humble yourself, to admit your weakness. They are in essence instructions on how to be a woman, and to those men, the rules were medicine. To act in this manner was a crazy, new way of being, and felt like freedom. But to a woman or any other oppressed group, being told to renounce power is just more of the same shit. It’s what made us [women] sick in the first place.” (pg 114-115)
In the first 30 pages of Stuart’s book, let’s look at how he claims he has helped people through negotiation, organized by gender. These are incomplete lists of every time a person is mentioned and what relevant details Stuart thought was necessary to include.
Men:
- Ilan Rosenberg, a “seasoned attorney” (pg 26)
- Bob Woolf, a “retired sports agent superstar” (pg 27)
- Michael Phelps, “Olympic swimming champion” (pg 26)
- Lance Armstrong, “seven-time Tour de France winner” (pg 26)
- Diego Etheto, who called an airline thirteen times to get a refund (pg 27) (When a woman does this, she’s emotional, but when a man does this, he’s proactive? Hm.)
- Jack Callahan, an NYU executive MBA student (pg 27)
- Evan Claar, a hedgefund manager in New York (pg 30)
- Alexei Lougovtsov, a trader for Merill Lynch in London, cited Diamond’s classes as allowing him to have a “much happier and healthier life, a more successful career and better relationships.” (pg 30) When diving into how it helped in his relationships, Diamond cites Lougovstov convincing his girlfriend to go with him to boxing camp for a week. “His girlfriend works on Wall Street, and her friends were making fun of her for not standing up to her boyfriend and demanding, say, Barbados and beaches.” Clears throat. Stuart. This is mild sexism if not full-blown absurdity, as a woman who hates the beach (me) and who could knock a guy out if I had to. He convinced her by saying the boxing camp had “resume value”, without explanation or proof, basically saying his girlfriend, who already works on Wall Street and may be as successful, if not more, than him, needs a resume booster by putting her around violent men hitting stuff would somehow benefit her career. Oh but here we go, the justification: “Her horizons were broadened.” (pg 31) Forgive the female scientist here asking for proof but, huh? Sorry, I meant, how? Was this self-reported, or reported by the boyfriend who seemed to consistently ignore what his girlfriend wants enough for her friends to step in and suggest she stand up for herself?
Women:
- Diamond describes a female student as “slight” and “very timid at first,” framing these as an inherent personality trait rather than a genetic slimness/shortness and learned behaviors from very real-world problems. “She avoided most negotiations and had a hard time meeting her goals.” Interesting that ineptitude is framed as wholistic, while the male examples had specific challenges they were overcoming.
- Colleen Sorrentino “got the confidence to tell her husband, without nagging, that he promised to go food shopping so she could study.” Before we go further in Stuart’s description, let’s stop here. The term “nag” is female-coded up the wazoo, almost abusive and a tactic in domestic violence conflicts. Didn’t Stuart just praise a man for trolling an airline by calling them 13 times? Interesting. Secondly, no wife is “nagging” when they remind their doofus husband to go grocery shopping. Reminding someone of a promise they made (to feed their family, no less) is not a nag, not a wife’s responsibility, and *checks notes again* not her problem. The problem here is her husband, who needs reminding of his promises (responsibilities) and who apparently forgets to feed his family. “ ‘I didn’t argue, and for once, I didn’t get emotional… I always tended to feel guilty when I asked for something,’ said Colleen, now a managing director at her family’s brokerage firm, Wall Street Access.” (pg 28) I’m sorry, what fresh bullshit is this? Framing women as almost hysterical but Stuart’s wisdom helped her, “for once” not getting emotional? Leaning into a woman’s insecurity about an unequal marriage, all so she can study? And let’s not move too quickly past the part where she is now a director of a brokerage firm? (Stuart felt the need to include that it’s her family’s, and therefore downplay her accomplishment, was unnecessary. Just say she’s a director of a brokerage firm without letting your own male insecurity get in the way. You certainly don’t do it for any of the males you mention.) Diamond makes sure to add her current ‘empowering’-sounding job with the buzz word ‘Wall Street’ included, to insinuate that she was a naggy, needy wife before his wisdom and now she has her big girl pants on doing a big girl job. In reality, no wife shouldn’t have to remind a husband of his own promise to go food shopping, and if that is considered a high stakes negotiation, Colleen, file for divorce please. And please don’t hire Stuart to be your mediator.
- Sharon Walker, whose mother was dying of breast cancer and who was planning for a family, needing to negotiate asking her mother to record herself reading children’s books. (pg 28)
- Colleen McDermott used the tools in this book to disconnect from her cable TV company, negotiated a discount at her local florist, got food at a restaurant, reconnected with two friends, convinced her boyfriend to come to her house for thanksgiving, learned to not become flustered during tense negotiations… all while she was a Wharton student” (pg 30) (About the fifth time he has plugged Wharton and Penn. We get it, Stu, you worked there).
Stuart’s conclusion: The negotiating goals of women are domesticity, and the goals of men are specifically career-coded. I.e. the struggles for women are familial and non-monetary, almost trad-wifey, while the struggles of men are around championships, money, and corporate ascendency.
Stuart tries, and for that, I give him a pat on the head and a cookie. On page 23, he puffs out his feminist chest and claims, “Women stereotypically tend to be better negotiators than men. First, women listen more. They collect information. And more information leads to better persuasion and better results. Second, women try a lot harder to learn the tools in Getting more. That’s because we still live in a male-dominated world. Women have less raw power, and this is too often used against them.” (Cue le sigh.) Women do not “listen more.” We are steamrolled, bulldozed over, interrupted, spoke over, ignored, and conversationally cut out by big loud children in suits. I listen to those men like I listen to a screaming child who just needs a nap. I patiently wait until they wear themselves out. Men are perfectly capable of listening as much as women, and coding this ability to listen to others as gendered female is not only untrue, it excuses men’s continued resistance to listening (especially to women). Next: “they collect information.” This vaguely conspiracy-theory-sounding claim about women speaks to male discomfort/mockery with women gathering, gossiping, and exchanging information. Everything from women being mocked for going to the bathroom in groups to the Taliban’s current ban in Afghanistan for women speaking in public all lends itself a conspiratorial distrust spanning centuries framing the words of women as dangerous and powerful, a la Lady-Macbeth-vibes. Stuart, do you think I have a secret little box where I collect my secret little information? Is there something about collecting information that don’t see men able to do and thus color code this as female? Is “collect information” a fancy way of saying… women actually listen? This weird claim of his also ignores the need for women to collect information as a personal safety tactic, taught to us as far back as middle school, as I mentioned before (Stuart, were ya listening?). Perhaps female students’ ability to ace Stuart’s classes more than male students, as he reports, has less to do with women “trying harder” and more about the fact that we arrive at these classes already ahead. We already know a lot of what Stuart is about to teach the male students. Stuart’s flavor is basically constructive empathy, useful empathy, empathy that’s worth it, that gets you something, verses empathy that’s not worth it if it doesn’t add to your goal, and frames empathy for its own sake as a waste at best and a personal danger at worst. And this is where my own theory about men comes in so, Stuart, time to do that very female-thing called listening: for men, the dangling carrot of individual gains is the only thing that makes the hard work of interpersonal empathy worth it. While women have been forced to build their empathy from safety concerns, unequal expectations of likeability and not-rocking-the-boat, internalizing their emotions for the betterment of those around them, etc., men are starting from near scratch and the only incentive to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is literally personal gain. I’ll say the quiet part out loud: that is embarrassing. Stuart, you negotiated this morning when you bought your first cup of coffee? Cool, I negotiated last weekend by using a series of learned, complex maneuvers in a bar to avoid being touched, prodded, petted, and harassed by men, and avoid getting my drink poisoned with Rohpnol and GHB. I negotiated by buying a nail polish that, when dipped in your cocktail, changes color in the presence of a date-rape drug. I negotiated by, when on the phone with my father, I was aggressively harassed by a man on the sidewalk and turned around and yelled “F*ck you!” In fact, that was my fastest negotiation, apart from running away. My most successful negotiations are ones in which I stopped negotiating. I look forward to Stuart Diamond’s next book, Stop Negotiating: For Women. That is, if he’s been listening.
June 9, 2020
what do you expect in a negotiation? This book will give you more tips and you can learn how to win the negotiation in many situation, how to know any situation and what your client wants and needs.
For Sales, this book more just a negotiation book. Read it and be a winner in a negotiation.
For Sales, this book more just a negotiation book. Read it and be a winner in a negotiation.
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