July, 2014 - After the movie
Because movie. And I don't have to justify myself to you.
Eric Bana is awful, but Joel McHale is lovely. (After long internal deliberation through the first half of the movie, I agreed with my friend that it was indeed Joel McHale and not Limp Bizkit like I originally thought. And IMDB confirmed it.) If ever I need an exorcism, please call that pretty Jesuit priest for me.
November, 2014 - After the book
Every year for Halloween I wear a pair of devil horns to work. I've been doing this for years. I also wear a Santa hat for Christmas Eve. It's fucking cute. One year, one of my coworkers, who was a self-proclaimed devout Christian, sent me a work email (from across the hall, mind you) that said something along the lines of "If you don't believe in Christ, how can you believe in Devilish things?"
And then I killed her.
Not really. I seethed for a while. She's a nice enough woman, but the first day we worked together I knew there could potentially be a problem because she point-blank asked me about my beliefs and I point-blank told her my opinion, and she then made it her mission for the rest of the time she worked with us to convert me to Christianity.
I considered some responses, starting several emails and deleting them all: "Mind your own fucking business" or "Are you fucking kidding me?" or "I've just forwarded this to Human Resources and you can take it up with them." Instead I believe I responded something vanilla along the lines of how it's Halloween, my horns are for fun and are not indicative of any beliefs I might have, relax. Thankfully for us both she didn't respond because that was about the extent my professionalism could go.
Reading this book was like working with her again. Except instead of a lovely, sweet Christian woman who (if I remember correctly) was born and raised in the South before moving to Pittsburgh, here we have a Catholic cop-cum-demonologist from the Bronx. But the effect was much the same.
God is good, there are no good ghosts (sorry, Casper!), only Demons. Deeeeemmmmooooons! Sarchie is heavy-handed in his beliefs - anything that you do outside of the church can land you in deep water with Demons, including even thinking about Demons. The irony? This entire book is about Demons, so that's like saying "Don't think about pink elephants", right? So based on his own advice, he has just made all of his readers become possessed. Thanks, dude. Like I don't have enough going on in my life.
Throughout the book he tells accounts of his experiences with exorcisms, his friendship with Ed and Lorraine Warren, his experiences on the force and how being a cop is very similar to being a demonologist because in both cases you have to deal with assholes (Demons are assholes, all of them), and omg he's the best cop and demonologist ever. He's so good that he totally ignores a bishop's advice on how a layperson should not perform an exorcism and he totally does it himself anyway. And people actually call him up on their own to ask for his help!
Dear world: You're better off calling the Ghostbusters.
This book is filled with inaccuracies. Things maybe a lot of people don't really know or would pay attention to, but (for example) Aleister Crowley wasn't a Satanist. He was an occultist, not a Satanist because (as I'm going to pull from Wikipedia because that's all I have the energy to do right now) "as he did not accept the Christian world view in which Satan was believed to exist." You can't just call someone a Satanist if they themselves did not consider themselves to be a Satanist. There are statements like that which show a judgmental side to Sarchie that makes it hard for me to stomach the rest of his willful ignorance. I know the real audience for this book (good, god-fearing people like himself) will eat it all up, believe everything he writes, and go on in their ignorant, judgmental existences, spreading the same inaccuracies and biases.
It's an inconsistent book, bouncing around in the timeline, making the book as a whole choppy and messy, and seriously shut up about the Church already. Whatever point he was trying to make was lost because it was just one sermon after another.
Not that I even need to say any of this, but I'll do it anyway: The book was originally published under the title Beware the Night in 2001. The movie that came out earlier this year by this title, Deliver Us from Evil, is soooo loosely based on this book that it's laughable. You're better off just watching the movie, which is saying a lot because the movie (aside from the Jesuit priest) wasn't the best of the horror movie lot.
There is no mention of The Doors in this book. I thought that was really the weirdest part of the movie overall, so I wondered if the book included anything even remotely related to that. But, nope. It was just some random person's idea for the movie. Like someone who is a fan of The Doors, I guess.
This book just made me mad. And it makes me want to wear my devil horns every day for the rest of my life.