22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome

by Rudy Simone, Maxine Aston (Foreword)

Although having Asperger Syndrome (AS) can make romantic relations difficult, having a fulfilling relationship with an Asperger man is certainly not impossible. A woman in love with a man with AS may interpret his difficulties with communication and socialization as a lack of interest in the relationship. He may vacillate between being gentle and caring to seeming cold and distant. She may find his behaviour hard to understand, resulting in feelings of loneliness, isolation, and confusion. This book shows how to overcome these difficulties and maintain a loving relationship with an AS partner.From an unwillingness to show affection in public or even sleep in the same bed to problems holding down a job, this book looks at 22 common traits that women may discover when they are dating, living with or married to a man with Asperger's Syndrome. Rudy Simone explores the complications of Asperger's relationships with honesty and understanding, drawing on research and personal experience to inform and advise women with AS partners. She offers helpful tips for improving the relationship and finding fulfillment both individually and as a couple. This book will help women to understand the male Asperger's mind and, equally, it can help men with AS to see things from their partner's perspective. It will also be of interest to counsellors working with couples where the male partner has Asperger's Syndrome.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Psychology, Aspergers, Relationships, Self Help, Marriage

112 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 15, 2009

About the author

Rudy Simone is an Aspergirl, writer, speaker and AS consultant. She is the author of 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome and Aspergirls. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, California.

Reviews

[Mandy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a thin volume, and I was very pleased to get hold of it as I had read wonderful reviews, the comment that the book was positive being the clincher for me.

I found the book almost horrifyingly negative, and also, worse, stereotypical. The point is made at the beginning that not everyone who has AS has the same difficulties, but almost in the next sentence, there are a list of things "all problematic for a person with AS." I almost closed the book then, as the person I am reading the book about does not have a problem with one of the things on that list. It wasn't just the AS men who were pigeon holed, I was constantly riled by reading what kind of woman I must be to have got into a relationship with an AS man.

Actually, many of the things described do not fit my man. Maybe he is not AS. Many of them do fit me. Maybe I am AS. Or maybe the book is so vague it is useless.

There is one quote from this book "People with AS are often brilliant in some respects" that I expected to see delved deeper into, as this book was supposedly so "positive". I wanted to know what these brilliant attributes were supposed to be. I still do - they were never mentioned again.

[Kerry Woodward · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book. Being married to an Aspie I could completely relate to this book. It's made me realise i'm not going insane afterall!

[Allura Maison · Rating 1 out of 5]

Negative and depressing

Depressing read, makes you want to not bother at all with Asperger male. I came looking for practical solutions and the entire books harps on about making yourself small and compromising to suit that partner. Your whole
Life is designed around one persons reality or perceptions of. No thanks.

[Wendy Mueller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book literally saved my marriage. So many of the things that I thought my husband did just out of spite were actually clear symptoms of Asperger's. I wish I had found this book 10 years ago.

[Leesi Franklin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book for ideas in working with my dad in social situations and in loving him in the best way possible as he is on the spectrum. (I realize it's for romantic couples but figured I could take what I could use and discard the rest)

I found this book an enabling list of "it's okay he treats you like a jerk. He is on the spectrum so he can't help the abusive behavior " I understand people who experience asd struggle in many ways. My dad was a single parent so I know no other parent than one with asd. But abuse is abuse.

[Danarodz · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have so many thoughts about this book.
My goodness.
This review might be a bit messy and English is not my first language so I apologize for possible typos but hear me out (or rather READ me out jeje)

I decided to write this for people who read it and are stressed,where given this against their will or who are considering buying this (don’t).

I was given this book as a GIFT from a relative that is very concerned about the fact that I’m dating a man on the spectrum. (For context she is married to a man on the spectrum and apparently it has been challenging for her . However they have a very different relationship and are very different people so this was not a concern to me.)

At first I was very hesitant to read this but then I decided that maybe I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and that maybe it could have helpful information. After all , I cannot assume I know everything about the subject. Turns out this was exactly what I judged it to be and somehow even worse. For some context I am in a very happy relationship where we have good communication. Whatever issues we’ve had are more about normal couple disagreements than the fact my boyfriend has Aspergers. I personally found that most of the book did not apply to my relationship there where about 1-2 chapters that actually had some similarities to my situation but they where so brief that they where practically useless. I understand that this might have been relatable for some people and that is also valid but the author writes in a very generalized way without considering the concept of a SPECTRUM at all. Your man may be in the spectrum and may or may not have these characteristics and that’s ok.


Rant 1🧚🏼‍♀️
A lot of the issues she presents in this book are just solved with healthy communication and respect between the two parties. Some of the issues can also be present on a man who’s not in the spectrum. There are several moments in the book that she contradicts herself. She mentions that you should not train your man but then in many of the chapters the solution is practicing how to have social interactions and telling him how to respond to them 🤨.
A lot of this book is just “that’s just the way he is and you need to accept him that way” there is a great lack of accountability from the other partner. Being on the spectrum cannot be a justification for mistreating your partner. Sometimes it’s not autism sometimes you’re just a jerk who happens to have autism.

I don’t really understand what the author’s expectations for a relationship are. A lot of the advice goes along the lines of “you need to find other people to socialize with besides him “( duh, that’s what friends are for)“ you will need to go elsewhere to have fun once in a while” (suggesting that it’s impossible to have fun with a man on the spectrum????).

In the “his perspective “ section(every chapter has this section where alleged men on the spectrum talk about how they feel about a particular situation ) a lot of the things the men where listing where common sense .
Not having to rely on your partner for all your social connections? That’s just reasonable it’s been scientifically proven that keeping friends is healthy and good. You can’t just be like oop! You’re dating a man on the spectrum you better keep those friends. Why wouldn’t you keep them in the first place?!!!

A lot of the book is written in a way that makes me question what kind of expectations do women have on men. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up watching rom coms??🧐

Chapters like “your AS male will not care about the things you do without him….” Ummm why should he?

Some of the advice goes along the lines of “ he might need some space so you better go find a hobby? Shouldn’t we be able to have our own things to do outside of our partners ? That’s just healthy . We are two different individuals we don’t have to do everything together .

Rant 2💁🏻‍♀️

I highly doubt of this lady’s preparation and education to write about this subject. She claims to be an “Asperger’s syndrome educator” However this book is very unprofessionally written. There are no actual citations, references or studies mentioned. At the beginning of the book she writes that “The information in this book was taken mainly from three things

1. My own personal experience
2. Interview with men and women who contacted me via my website
3 forums for people with or affected by AS

SOOOO… your personal experience and random people on the internet….ok.

I think that in order to tackle a subject as this there should have been a deeper research and a higher number of people involved in this.

Another thing that I frankly found quite funny is that this book is dedicated to Bill who presumably is her partner who was Aspergers? Since she claims to be speaking from personal experience that’s is what I assume (I might be wrong but I believe this to be a logical assumption.) A large part of this book if not most of it seems like a passive aggressive rant that she is having about Bill . There is a particular chapter in this book titled “He may want to sleep in the couch starting very early in the relationship and continuing throughout where she writes:

“The positive note: You will often have that big ol’ bed for yourself. You might even have time to write your own book during those restless nights (How do you think I managed this one?)”

By reading this book I have learned more about this lady’s relationship than my own .

There are so many other issues in the way this book is written there is a chapter in this book that is only one page and another one that is literally three sentences. Every chapter has a “positive note” section but it’s rarely positive at all with comments such as…

“If you aren’t getting as much sex as you like, at least you know he’s not just there for the sex!”

“You will retain some of the mystery that all men find so alluring if you do things that don’t include him.”

“ you may acquire more patience than you ever thought possible…”

There is also a whole section where she talks about the Cassandra Affective disorder that women who date men with Asperger could possibly develop which according to this book can cause fatigue, migraines, PMT/“female related issues”( whatever that means) and “low immune system resulting in anything from colds to CANCER. So according to this book dating a man on the spectrum could make me develop a disorder that could cause cancer .

I am not going to lie. This book provided entertainment , bewilderment and belly laughs. But if you are somebody who is genuinely struggling and looking for solutions this book will not help. It does not bring solutions other than the obvious COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER or the “this is what you’ve got it isn’t going to get better, he will not change but Asperger men are wonderful even though I found 22 to problems with scary titles such as “there will be loneliness” and then proceed to not give you any real solutions for it .”

I do not recommend this book. I suggest that you do your own research and find actual specialists, therapists and reputable resources .

[Kriss · Rating 2 out of 5]

Depressing read, it's just a list of everything that can be wrong when dating an autistic man, nothing about how to improve the situation. I would have left my partner if I had read that book before we learned how to communicate with each other, in my opinion no woman deserves to lower her standard so much that she should be satisfied forever with the kind of life described in this book. Nothing about going to therapy, about finding safe ways to communicate, about clearly expressing needs, about adapting his environment so he can rest and feel safe so he is not borderline meltdown all the time. Quite offensive to women that should basically make themselves as small as possible to not be a burden and to men that are apparently hopeless children that can't be responsible for their actions or learn. We had almost all these issues, we have none anymore. Take this book as a validation of the hardships you have been through, but look elsewhere for hope and solutions. Also I find it very dangerous as the toxicity described resembles a lot narc abuse, so narc victims could wrongly identify in this book and stay with their abuser. If you recognise yourself but your partner hasn't been professionally diagnosed, know that he could also be a narc. Google how to spot the difference and save yourself.

Autistic men can be the most amazing partners if you learn to communicate and adapt to EACH OTHER, don't settle for less, you both deserve better.

[Marta Duda-Gryc · Rating 4 out of 5]

Niewielkie rozmiary książki usprawiedliwiają skrótowe przedstawienie problemów, jakie mogą napotkać na swojej drodze osoby mające do czynienia na co dzień z bliską osobą z zespołem Aspergera. Książka omawia po kolei rozmaite, bardzo konkretne kwestie związane z życiem z osobą z ZA (partnerem romantycznym, ale nie tylko - przydatna może być każdemu, kto ma w rodzinie lub wśród bliskich znajomych aspiego) w prosty, rzeczowy, szczery do bólu (dosłownie), a niekiedy zabawny sposób, dobrze oddany w przekładzie (ukłony dla tłumaczki).
Znalazłam w niej wiele wartościowych uwag; niektóre potwierdziły moje własne spostrzeżenia, inne odsłoniły przede mną możliwe przyczyny pewnych zachowań u dwóch osób z ZA, kt��re znam. Naturalnie nie wszystkie zachowania i nie wszystkie wskazówki zawarte w publikacji można przypisać każdej osobie z ZA, o czym autorka zresztą szczerze pisze i nie wolno sięgać po książkę w nadziei, że rozwiąże nasze wszystkie wątpliwości. Pochwała przed frontem dla Rudy Simone za przypominanie do znudzenia, że są to wskazówki oparte na wybranych badaniach i jej osobistych doświadczeniach oraz że zawsze niezbędna jest wizyta u dobrego, sprawdzonego specjalisty i zdiagnozowanie osoby, której zachowanie wskazuje na zespół Aspergera - bo nie wolno opierać się na samych poradnikach i testach internetowych. Dużo gwiazdek za tę rzetelność autorską.

[Jean-marie Prevost · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's an interesting premise, but it unfortunately falls a bit flat and misses the mark on quite a few points in my opinion. The author comes off a bit pessimistic, harsh and disrespectful at times, but at the same time you can see where this might be coming from.

As an autistic man myself, I did enjoy reading this book and it did raise a few valid points in my mind in regards to my marriage. It's interesting to hear about potential shortcomings from an external point of view.

I did not however appreciate a few other points which I found to be generally false or condescending. Things like "he will take you and the relationship for granted", "just as the relationship progresses, he might get bored", "[some autistic men] knew they were being cruel but didn't care, suggesting a certain emotional detachedness", "stop calling him entirely to make him intrigued", "his moral compass won't always point north", "aspies are good liars", "they may blame you for something that is their own fault just because you are there", "he will put himself first", that an autistic man may feel ineffectual in times of crisis and think "why bother?" and not support you, "he will not care about the things you do without him"... you get the idea.

A strange and conflicting read, but an interesting and still a useful read that I would recommend, only with a few caveats. Decent food for thoughts, but to be taken with a healthy grain of salt.

[Roberta Decenzo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book to read and very reflective of what I’m experiencing dating a male with Aspergers. The 22 different segments are quick and to the point which makes this an easy read. Each segment or point has an illustration which I found highly colourable and stress relieving. A great book to read... and apparently colour... if you are in an AS relationship.

[Delaney Webb-Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worth it!

Reading with my partner after we finished the other corresponding 22 things book. Not even 30 pages in he felt eerily targeted. We are both sure we are on the spectrum and both books have been enlightening

[Kacie · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Research" is iffy. So many generalizations without support. 1.5-2 stars

[Camille McWhirter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ms. Simone does a great job of picking up on and discussing the key characteristics that will make a neuro diverse relationship difficult. I am amused by the many reviews that criticize the author for not showing more compassion for the partner and are expecting advice on how to change rather than understand the Aspie partner and suggesting that she herself must be an Aspie (She is.) She has done her job in this book which is to try to help the NT partner understand what their ASD partner is thinking, and NOT to give survival strategies. If you are looking for strategies, look for a book written by an NT who has been there. My best advice as an NT who loved an Aspie: I focused on the positive aspects of the relationship, how much I loved my husband, learned to do everything I wanted to do by myself as if I was single, read self-help books on living loved when you feel less than, developed my own personal hobbies outside of the marriage, accepted that I was the planner and made plans instead of waiting around for him to do it, appreciated the fact that I could manage all the details without having to accommodate his opinion since he made it clear he didn't have one, didn't like to talk about it and was leaving everything up to me, whether it was the finances, home decor, and most of the kid stuff. Accepted him as he was and was content with the good things. I didn't put it together about the ASD until it was too late but I just naturally did these things throughout to survive. Your happiness is your own responsibility and should not depend on your circumstances. Good luck!

[Toby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very valuable information for any woman in any type of romantic relationship with a man who has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Really wish I'd gotten my hands on this sooner (well, honestly, I bought it a few years ago and have just now gotten around to reading it) because I really was feeling very alone with a lot of the struggles that my husband (who has AS) and I were having. Granted, not all of the topics covered in this book apply to me/my husband -- for example, the chapter on lying. In my experience (mostly with kids who are on the spectrum, but also in the years spent with my husband -- 11 years of relationship, the latter 7 years we've been married) people with AS are more often brutally honest.

So yes, I do definitely recommend this book, as long as you realize that not every single thing in here applies to every single person with AS. :) But I don't recommend purchasing it unless as a used copy. It's less than 100 pages of actual information, and although it's useful, it's not worth the $12 or so that I spent on it. That being said, if buying it is your only choice, go for it. :)

There is so little information out there for spouses/partners of folks with AS/autism, and there is equally little support out there for adults with AS/autism -- so I'm very glad that books like this exist, although resources such as these are not terribly well-known.

[Gillian Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book opened my eyes in more ways than one. It not only showed my my partners behaviours in greater detail and gave me more understanding of the way his brain worked but it also showed me my behaviours and gave me hope that I can adapt and accept some of the more difficult things that happen in this type of relationship. It made me laugh, it made me cry but mostly it gave me hope.

My favourite part of this book was this explanantion by the author about her relationship with her Asperger's Syndrome (AS) partner -

'I liken being in a relationship with an AS male to living in a climate where the sun doesn't shine very often. When it does, it is dazzling, and you appreciate it so much more than someone who lives in a place where the sun always shines. You live for those moments of light.'

[Wayne King]

Although not aimed at me (I'm male), I have an Asperger diagnosis and thought the book might be useful to understand what happened in a previous relationship, and to try to make sense of some problems I am having in a friendship with a female at the current time.
It is a quite simplified book and can tend to be a little overgeneralised with its opinions of males with Asperger's but it does seem like it has given me a little perspective on how I might be being viewed, which is all I was looking for.

[Yvonne · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is very realistic and makes sobering reading. It upset me quite a lot though there was nothing I didn't already know because I regularly experience the rollercoaster ride of being special friends with an aspie of the opposite sex whom I quietly love very much. The love and the joy of the good times is always tempered by the worry/awareness that he will one day unceremoniously leave me. It just brings it all home.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very honest, maybe a bit harsh. Anyone reading this to try to understand their aspie should remember that not everything in the book will apply to every aspie. If you're getting this book to help your partners understand you better, read it yourself first and highlight the areas you think apply and don't apply.

[Debbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

To be read with caution. It did describe many of the difficulties my AS husband has but didn't explain that different men cope with varying degrees of success. It left me feeling quite negative about my husband, which isn't useful. I didn't feel it had enough of the balancing strengths. But still, it was useful and informative.

[Shanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. Most of the stuff didn't apply to my partner or my relationship. There were a handful of useful things that I highlighted. Wish I'd realized it was so short before I paid ten bucks for it. Wasn't worth it.

[Nandini · Rating 2 out of 5]

Three stars off for telling me to make all of the accommodations in my AS/NT marriage! Boo hiss.

[Freya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very representative and truthful in its guidance to women not on the Spectrum in love or in relationship with a man on the Spectrum. I would say I can relate to a lot of it already, 2 months into my new relationship.

After reading the book and going through some of the events mentioned in this book as typical and accurate, I felt it helpful guidance and highly recommend it especially at the beginning of a relationship.

I would also suggest it's appropriate for platonic friendships with those on the Spectrum as well as family members and coworkers in its broadly-relevant themes excluding the sexuality aspects. Just good, solid advice to look to and anticipate. Even for those professionally trained to work with those on the Spectrum, an excellent refresher.

To those untrained and inexperienced in relating with those on the Spectrum, this book as frank as it's written may very well scare some women off from dating those with AS (Asperger's Syndrome). So that was a concern I had as a reader...how this book as blunt and frank as it is...rather doesn't balance it quite enough with the positives, even though in each chapter there is a deliberate section called "Positive".

I think what would help more in a future edition would be to add some real life stories of successful couples who have navigated AS and are thriving well.

[mallow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Flipping the first few pages already got my heart racing. I just finished reading this book in one sitting (or more appropriately laying), skipping a good night’s sleep over it. Over the course of a night I laughed hysterically, felt piercing heartaches, highlighting and adding commentaries to my kindle every few sentences, and mouthing ‘see? see?!’ to myself repeatedly. At one point, I found myself disagreeing with a particular paragraph, but immediately got proven wrong by the next. This book knows what it’s talking about.

Safe to say that this book has expanded my knowledge in what I’ve been dealing for the past two years. However I’m washed over with regret for we’ve broken up, but nevertheless it has cleared up so many things that were clouded with doubt and uncertainty in my head. I’m very thankful to have read this book, and will read many more like this.

I really recommend this short and sweet book for anyone who needs to be affirmed that they’re not alone with dealing with this particular situation and that there are healthy coping mechanisms you could utilize. To all the women reading/contemplating on reading this, GOOD LUCK!🤍

[Kamil · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really liked Judy Simone's other book, the one for partners of Asperger women. This one read like she wanted to express some feels about her own bad experiences, which is totally fine, it's just a pity to generalise one's experience to a whole population, and package this as relationship advice. If you hold the two books together it sounds like women are princesses and men are narcissistic a-holes. In other words, I don't think this book can help people to better connect with each other. Plus if you want books about how to deal with NPD partners, there are better ones, like the first 2 editions of Wendy Behary's book on the subject.
Bottom line: avoid.

[grassprietje · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up to try and understand my boyfriend more, about half the information was useful and the other half did not apply to us/him (of course this is different for everyone). I think it gave me a good look into the way he might think and also made me and my feelings feel validated.

Some of the information I did not agree or resonate with most likely because it is just not the way my boyfriend is so if you do pick this up do take it with a grain of salt, everyone is different and some information may not apply to you and that fine.

[Jenna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wasn't great. Basically says if you are in a relationship with someone with Asperger's you just have to look on the positive side and they aren't willing to change much (and you just have to accept that they are this way and deal with it). Some of the positive things she says coming out of it are just ridiculous and doesn't really give helpful advice to work on a relationship together so it works for both people.

[Jennifer Rouse · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first book I have read on this subject. Already I feel a wave of relief as well as ideas to help make our marriage even better. This book provides insights to many of the behaviors spouses of ASP spouses experience. It also offers the positives to what the characteristics offer to the spouse of an ASP adult. Grateful for this book and eager to read more on the subject.

[Alexandra Nitu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful

I got this book to confirm suspicions, to get insights and consider coping mechanisms. It delivered on all accounts. Accessible language and simple way to appuya very sensitive as emotional topic.

[Florence · Rating 1 out of 5]

Deceiving. I expected something more structured and complex. It didn't bring the information I was looking for.

[Isabella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book and 100% agree with everything!

I felt very identified with all the aspects and the feelings an AS couple feels . Recommended 100% . I wanted to read more!