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The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD
More and more often, adults are realizing that the reason they are struggling so much in their relationship is that they are impacted by previously undiagnosed adult ADHD. Learning how to interact around ADHD symptoms is often the difference between joy together and chronic anger and frustration. So The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD lays out the most important strategies couples can use – right now – to rebuild trust, fight less, disagree more productively, get the attention they deserve, and rebuild intimacy in their relationship. These are strategies honed over years of working specifically with couples impacted by ADHD, and demonstrated to change lives for the better. ‘Thrive’ is the go-to book for couples struggling with ADHD who want to actively work to improve their relationship.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2014
304 people are currently reading
1036 people want to read
About the author
Melissa Orlov
4 books20 followersMelissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger) and is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic. A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world rebalance their relationships and learn to thrive. She also teaches mental health professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com, where she also hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, CBS, AOL, the American Psychological Association Monitor and many others. Ms. Orlov is a cum laude graduate of Harvard College.)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
April 18, 2021
If you've read the first book (The ADHD Effect on Marriage) this is a good follow-up book. It's based on questions people ask from the website in order to clarify answers that were given elsewhere. While helpful, the format is sometimes confusing to understand. And for me, the "answers" were sometimes so vague it was as if they just gave some general quip about life and then expect you to figure it out on your own. I enjoyed it when they were more clear about the answers they gave.
My biggest takeaway is:
The ADHD spouse- must acknowledge the affect their symptoms have on their partner and the relationship, address the big issues, and fully treat their problematic symptoms. Untreated ADHD is the biggest issue in ADHD marriages. It's like a 3 legged stool, and all 3 legs must be consistently treated. The 3 legs are: treat the physical, treat the habits/behaviors, attend to the partner.
The non-ADHD spouse- must be meek, forgiving, loving, patient, etc...and allow the ADHD spouse to make their own decisions about their body and actions. This presents to me like being willing to accept abuse. There are lots of tips about boundaries, choices, feelings, etc...but it boils down to choosing to stick out the marriage with someone who will always make their own choices as to whether they treat their ADHD or not.
It's never addressed (in either book) that the non-ADHD spouse might have their own issues that need grace. Sometimes the advice comes across as one sided, leaning in favor of the ADHD spouse.
There are quite a few tips that rung true to me. But in this book, it just felt almost overwhelmingly off balance, giving the ADHD spouse leeway, while putting more responsibilities back on the non-ADHD spouse to become more accepting of mistreatment and broken promises.
Every relationship is different. And while my relationship never fit fully into every explanation or scenario given, I did find helpful points along the way. But because this book came off as so off-balanced and abuse-tinted, I'm keeping the rating at 3 stars.
My biggest takeaway is:
The ADHD spouse- must acknowledge the affect their symptoms have on their partner and the relationship, address the big issues, and fully treat their problematic symptoms. Untreated ADHD is the biggest issue in ADHD marriages. It's like a 3 legged stool, and all 3 legs must be consistently treated. The 3 legs are: treat the physical, treat the habits/behaviors, attend to the partner.
The non-ADHD spouse- must be meek, forgiving, loving, patient, etc...and allow the ADHD spouse to make their own decisions about their body and actions. This presents to me like being willing to accept abuse. There are lots of tips about boundaries, choices, feelings, etc...but it boils down to choosing to stick out the marriage with someone who will always make their own choices as to whether they treat their ADHD or not.
It's never addressed (in either book) that the non-ADHD spouse might have their own issues that need grace. Sometimes the advice comes across as one sided, leaning in favor of the ADHD spouse.
There are quite a few tips that rung true to me. But in this book, it just felt almost overwhelmingly off balance, giving the ADHD spouse leeway, while putting more responsibilities back on the non-ADHD spouse to become more accepting of mistreatment and broken promises.
Every relationship is different. And while my relationship never fit fully into every explanation or scenario given, I did find helpful points along the way. But because this book came off as so off-balanced and abuse-tinted, I'm keeping the rating at 3 stars.
March 19, 2024
It had a lot of good insights, but my god, was it heteronormative. I found it quite alienating as a woman with ADHD, since the authors insisted on consistently using male pronouns for the ADHD partner and female pronouns for the non-ADHD partner in every example. Definitely uses an out-dated understanding of gender dynamics. What I found even more disturbing was the connection the book made between ADHD symptoms and stereotypes about problematic men, as if to explain away problematic behavior. The authors also seemed wildly judgemental towards the non-ADHD women in the relationship for just having...concerns about their partners? And they would not be shown the same compassion as the ADHD men for their shortcomings and faults. At one point, the book literally says "remember, he's in charge!", and "But perhaps that's just a feminine take on the topic!". Are we in the 1950s? These are pieces of advice being given about men who lose their temper at their wives, even when their wives are doing their best to not only keep the family and marriage and life stuff afloat, but deal with her partner's ADHD as respectfully as she can.
Although the authors do acknowledge that abuse in relationships is bad (Jesus christ, at least it does that) it still utilizes a "boys will be boys" mentality that, to be frank, has the capacity to be incredibly harmful. Very "aw shucks, men are just like that, try to accept them". But there wasn't a particular drive to say the same about women with ADHD, other than what I inserted into the book myself (changing rhe pronouns to my pronouns, etc). But even changing the pronouns isn't fully satisfying, because ultimately the authors are talking about men and not women, or non-binary or GNC or trans folk for that matter.
Although the authors do acknowledge that abuse in relationships is bad (Jesus christ, at least it does that) it still utilizes a "boys will be boys" mentality that, to be frank, has the capacity to be incredibly harmful. Very "aw shucks, men are just like that, try to accept them". But there wasn't a particular drive to say the same about women with ADHD, other than what I inserted into the book myself (changing rhe pronouns to my pronouns, etc). But even changing the pronouns isn't fully satisfying, because ultimately the authors are talking about men and not women, or non-binary or GNC or trans folk for that matter.
March 29, 2018
I recently started to talk to someone who has ADHD. He told me that he was taking care of his symptoms the best he could. But for me, I wasn't to knowledgeable about ADHD much less how to be with someone who has it. This book was a nice guide to understanding what ADHD and how to communicate without belittling them or becoming a parental partner. So If I decide to pursue this relationship, I have information to have a better relationship with him.
December 31, 2018
Haven't quite finished this book intentionally. Finding it too negative, because it is written for couples already in "crisis" and/or not managing the ADHD effectively. The negative feel was bringing too much worry for me. But clearly the author is very knowledgeable & would recommend this book to others.
May 31, 2023
While the stories told and suggestions were valuable I didn't appreciate the assigned gender roles and assumptions. A more neutral approach would have this book more useful.
September 2, 2025
I’ve never considered my partner’s ADHD a barrier to our relationship, but I did have a desire to learn more about it. I don’t think I fully understood what ADHD was until now. This book was so insightful and I look forward to trying some of the strategies and exercises in this book with him.
May 21, 2016
Skip this book on ADHD. Any book on how to get along and divide responsibility in marriage equitably would be just as helpful, if not moreso.
Instead of writing a stand-alone book that would be useful for couples struggling with the problems of ADHD in their relationship, the authors have created a book that frequently refers back to issues only covered in their previous work. The writing takes up a lot of space without saying anything of value.
There's no worthwhile advice in this book that cannot be easily gleaned with a quick internet search or even a short conversation with your spouse's psychiatrist the next time they go in to have their medication managed.
You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy is a much better book about the struggles of ADHD as an adult, despite not being geared specifically toward couples.
Instead of writing a stand-alone book that would be useful for couples struggling with the problems of ADHD in their relationship, the authors have created a book that frequently refers back to issues only covered in their previous work. The writing takes up a lot of space without saying anything of value.
There's no worthwhile advice in this book that cannot be easily gleaned with a quick internet search or even a short conversation with your spouse's psychiatrist the next time they go in to have their medication managed.
You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy is a much better book about the struggles of ADHD as an adult, despite not being geared specifically toward couples.
September 2, 2021
To start I'm obviously not an expert on ADHD. This book had lots of helpful information and perspectives but I take everything with a grain of salt. My gripe is this...please do not throw around the suggestion to just hire people to help with the aspects of ADHD like that is truly an accessible option.
October 30, 2022
This book felt very one sided, going into depth about what the adhd partner needs to change to make the relationship work with very little focus on how the non-adhd partner can change approaches to work best with the adhd partner.
Also it felt like it was written as an advert for the author's other book it was mentioned so many times.
Also it felt like it was written as an advert for the author's other book it was mentioned so many times.
June 14, 2024
An OK read that offers practical solutions and illustrative examples to relationship issues in which a partner has ADHD. However often felt I was reading the wrong book with the authors pointing to their previous work for significant details
October 16, 2014
Not the most well-written book, and using message-board comments as an organizing structure limits the scope of the book. That said, I feel that I understand the difficulties and abilities of ADHD partners much more fully. Best of all, I know how to react in a much more productive, respectful way.
January 28, 2015
This book not only improved my well-being (since I suffer from severe ADHD), but it also saved my relationship.
December 7, 2017
Very helpful, interesting take on being in a relationship with someone with ADHD. It seems more geared for the ADHD spouse. I’d recommend this to other interested therapists or clients.
May 5, 2023
ترجمه این کتاب در طاقچه موجود هستش، برای زوجینی که بیش فعال هستن یا یکی از طرفین بیش فعال هستش کتاب جامع و کاملیه، چنانچه خودتون بیش فعالید یا پارتنرتون بیش فعال هستش خوندن این کتاب رو پیشنهاد میکنم
December 19, 2024
Heteronormative. Overemphasized flexibility and responsibilities of the non-ND partner rather than balancing strategies across the relationship.
December 29, 2022
This is a good book to use as a conversation tool with a SO who has ADD. I do not recommend just giving the book to the person with ADD. It has a very good section on choices to make about how to manage ADD - medical, non-medical, behavioral. Good sections about communication and connections. This is not like "Driven to Distraction" and "Delivered from Distraction" - I felt like these books are more for the non-ADD to understand what the heck is going on with their SO. This is more something to use to work together on. Recommend pairing it with "loving someone with attention deficit disorder" by Susan Tschudi.
August 25, 2018
Insightful book
This book is filled with strategies to understand how ADHD challenges marriage relationships. It is empathetic to both those diagnosed with ADHD and to non-ADHD spouses. It is encouraging and offers hope to couples struggling to to relate.
This book is filled with strategies to understand how ADHD challenges marriage relationships. It is empathetic to both those diagnosed with ADHD and to non-ADHD spouses. It is encouraging and offers hope to couples struggling to to relate.
December 24, 2025
My doctor gave me a reading list that included this book, and it was one of three that my local library had.
As a woman with ADHD, reading it felt very isolating. Occasionally they flip the pronouns around, but even then the conversations were heavily gendered. A lot of it was incredibly condescending, and basically leaned a lot into "treat her well because it has benefits for YOU!”. At one point it's blatantly says that if a man does more chores, it's in his best interest to do so because men who do more chores report better sex lives.
At one point it talks about validating your partner and the "correct", validating answers given by the man with ADHD would have had me seeing red if my partner ever responded to me like that. I'm sorry, but the answer to "I feel like a slave" shouldn't ever be "I understand that you feel like you do all the work around here, but I would like to respectfully disagree with that" or God forbid "I didn't know that". What kind of advice is that? That is NOT validating or hearing what your partner is saying.
Then, a page later, they show an ADHD woman validating her non-ADHD male partner, and she's handling him like a child therapist preventing a meltdown. It's night and day even though both people in the examples have ADHD. This was just where it peaked for me and became too much, but the implicit bias carries throughout.
I also had issue with the constant references to websites and other books. I don't have those other books, and directing me elsewhere while I'm reading just isn't going to happen. It often felt like a way to peddle traffic to the website and other works, rather than briefly explaining the concept.
I realize that this book is nearly 12 years old, but it's not just heteronormative, a lot of the book is just dripping in sexist overtones that reinforce the idea that men just happen to be like this, and ADHD just makes their "man-isms" worse. I even ran some passages by my husband to get an impartial view, and he was more aghast than I was. He very quickly began referring to it as my "bad book" and apologizing for the fact that my Doctor suggested it. I wish I'd listened to his evaluation of the book sooner.
The three legged approach is interesting, and maybe I can adapt it into something useful. Reading this as an educated woman with ADHD, I can't shake the feeling that it really was written for "incompetent husband with ADHD and his wife who's at the end of her rope", and not more broadly for the rest of us.
As a woman with ADHD, reading it felt very isolating. Occasionally they flip the pronouns around, but even then the conversations were heavily gendered. A lot of it was incredibly condescending, and basically leaned a lot into "treat her well because it has benefits for YOU!”. At one point it's blatantly says that if a man does more chores, it's in his best interest to do so because men who do more chores report better sex lives.
At one point it talks about validating your partner and the "correct", validating answers given by the man with ADHD would have had me seeing red if my partner ever responded to me like that. I'm sorry, but the answer to "I feel like a slave" shouldn't ever be "I understand that you feel like you do all the work around here, but I would like to respectfully disagree with that" or God forbid "I didn't know that". What kind of advice is that? That is NOT validating or hearing what your partner is saying.
Then, a page later, they show an ADHD woman validating her non-ADHD male partner, and she's handling him like a child therapist preventing a meltdown. It's night and day even though both people in the examples have ADHD. This was just where it peaked for me and became too much, but the implicit bias carries throughout.
I also had issue with the constant references to websites and other books. I don't have those other books, and directing me elsewhere while I'm reading just isn't going to happen. It often felt like a way to peddle traffic to the website and other works, rather than briefly explaining the concept.
I realize that this book is nearly 12 years old, but it's not just heteronormative, a lot of the book is just dripping in sexist overtones that reinforce the idea that men just happen to be like this, and ADHD just makes their "man-isms" worse. I even ran some passages by my husband to get an impartial view, and he was more aghast than I was. He very quickly began referring to it as my "bad book" and apologizing for the fact that my Doctor suggested it. I wish I'd listened to his evaluation of the book sooner.
The three legged approach is interesting, and maybe I can adapt it into something useful. Reading this as an educated woman with ADHD, I can't shake the feeling that it really was written for "incompetent husband with ADHD and his wife who's at the end of her rope", and not more broadly for the rest of us.
September 22, 2025
One sided book that makes the non ADHD person be as patient and understanding as possible, with no way to solve issues with another person except to let then continue to be their own person, to not hold them accountable and that you can only control yourself. So if they mess up, guess what, lets blame your concerns as a non ADHD person on you doing something wrong. Lots of blaming from author on a person asking for help, yet says in the same book you can't blame your spouse who's got ADHD because they either might be learning to cope, currently not coping, might just throw wanting to cope out the window but oh well, leave them alone because thats how to solve it, as if one example didn't already beg the author that they tried everything. Still, some how the author blamed them for possibly "wording it wrong" to get the type of reaction from their ADHD partner, when we have zero clues if they truly did when speaking of their non negotiables.
The plus side of this book is learning more about ADHD and the way the person thinks that might be displayed in your day to day life with your partner that made you go "oh, that might be why they do this". But other than this, the author feels dismissive of problems and using ADHD as an excuse. Have parenting/child behaviors in your relationship? Lets use the same example multiple times in the same chapter, and let that sink in.
Once i read through halfway of the book, there wasn't anymore takeaway from it and it started to feel one sided very quickly when it came to non adhd partners vs adhd ones. Is it terrible? No. I just think the books got a lot of pros and cons to make this review seem split down the middle for me.
The plus side of this book is learning more about ADHD and the way the person thinks that might be displayed in your day to day life with your partner that made you go "oh, that might be why they do this". But other than this, the author feels dismissive of problems and using ADHD as an excuse. Have parenting/child behaviors in your relationship? Lets use the same example multiple times in the same chapter, and let that sink in.
Once i read through halfway of the book, there wasn't anymore takeaway from it and it started to feel one sided very quickly when it came to non adhd partners vs adhd ones. Is it terrible? No. I just think the books got a lot of pros and cons to make this review seem split down the middle for me.
May 12, 2024
After the transformative experience of reading Melissa Orlov's The ADHD Effect on Marriage, I approached The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD with high expectations. While this follow-up didn't revolutionize my understanding of ADHD in relationships quite as profoundly, it remains an essential read. Orlov expands on issues like chore wars and parent/child dynamics. I recommend anything by Orlov for those navigating the complexities of ADHD in their relationships.
November 5, 2024
I think they call this a paradigm shift!
I have found this resource has changed how I view every difficult or challenging interactions my wife an I have. It has answered previously 'unanswerable' questions and has flooded my mind with understanding that now makes sense! It has also helped me to better understand my two boys with ADHD and build a better relationship with them too. Thank you for writing this book.
I have found this resource has changed how I view every difficult or challenging interactions my wife an I have. It has answered previously 'unanswerable' questions and has flooded my mind with understanding that now makes sense! It has also helped me to better understand my two boys with ADHD and build a better relationship with them too. Thank you for writing this book.
November 15, 2024
A more appropriate title would be "Heteronormative cr*p - does my husband has ADHD or he's just a piece of sh*t".
Also if you're not American don't even bother reading it. A lot of the "advice" has soil only on American ground where they slap the ADHD diagnostic on everything that they can't understand.
There are far more beneficial books on the subject.
Also if you're not American don't even bother reading it. A lot of the "advice" has soil only on American ground where they slap the ADHD diagnostic on everything that they can't understand.
There are far more beneficial books on the subject.
March 23, 2025
This book was full of important scenarios and lessons, but as another reviewer suggested, its emphasis seemed to be on relationships in crisis. I found that a bit overwhelming. I did learn about patterns to avoid in these connections, but overall, the book wasn't quite for me. That being said, I can see how it would benefit other readers - don't let this review discourage you.
January 25, 2022
This was a follow-up novel to a message forum and read that way. The book was a bit repetitive but meant that I could jump in and read everything.
March 23, 2023
Learned a lot about ADHD in general and how symptoms play out in relationships. I highly recommend this. I wish I would’ve read this long ago.
September 17, 2024
Very helpful overall. This book felt a bit like a rehash of Orlov's previous book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. Still very helpful but not significantly different.
April 11, 2025
Found this depressing and condescending at times. I do feel like it lets people with ADHD off the hook a little too easily. Some of it was relatable and helpful though.
May 16, 2025
Very helpful and informative book.
August 9, 2025
Thought this was a very helpful resource for people in a relationship with someone with ADHD.
March 4, 2022
Practical tips and tools to help couples where one or both partners have ADHD. I think there’s probably a lot more to explore in terms of the gender/ADHD overlap, and the authors are a bit too permissive (IMO) with that whole side of things … but generally speaking a good and useful read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews