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Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

3.50  ·  Rating details ·  1,046 ratings  ·  239 reviews
Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunke ...more
Paperback, 267 pages
Published August 1st 2007 by Publishing
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Average rating 3.50  · 
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 ·  1,046 ratings  ·  239 reviews

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Jan 02, 2008 rated it it was amazing  ·  (Review from the author)
Recommends it for: you
I love this book. I give it eight out of five stars. It is the funniest, most insightful, and most entertaining book ever written. The author is clearly a literary genius and a good-looking devil, too. Everyone should read Smashed. It should be required reading in our schools. Evil-doers should be beaten about the head and shoulders with this book. Lovers should read passages of it to each other for foreplay. This book prevents tooth decay and eternal damnation. It cures cold sores, psoriasis an ...more
Janie C.
Jul 25, 2017 rated it it was amazing
Without a doubt, this is the most incredible road trip ever.  I have never experienced so many strange situations and eccentric characters in the course of one book.  This author knows what he's doing.  Not once does the pace lag, and the peculiarities are fresh and endlessly entertaining.  I am very impressed with Lance Carbuncle's ability to pull this story over the edge without ever crashing.   A man is in search of his beloved best friend, his dog named Idjit Galoot.  There are many amusing ...more
It should have been simple enough - drive a moving van to Florida WITHOUT wreaking any havoc on the way, BUT when part of your cargo is a taxidermied old dude dressed for every conceivable holiday, you're bound to hit a snag or two...

This was a hilarious, deceptively simple fable about a man struggling to reunite with his best pal.

In addition to a heartwarming story, we're also treated to nifty little footnote factoids about turkey vultures, jackalopes and foreskins.

The book also contains my fa
Andersen Prunty
May 18, 2008 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Readers of Confederacy of Dunces, Youth in Revolt, Christopher Moore
Shelves: own
The anti-hero in Carbuncle’s book, SMASHED etc., is a 35 year old metal head who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t work because some drug experiment has rendered him mentally incapable. Let the hilarity begin... The problem with most comic novels is that they tend to be, well, not funny. This isn’t the case with SMASHED. The main character goes from one ridiculous situation to the next and manages to make it somehow believable. The narrative voice is what made this book so enjoyable for ...more
This is a hilarious debute novel about a 30-something year old guy, messed up from years of drug use, who lives at home with his mom, his catarac-inflicted, nose repelling, lumpy bodied basset hound, and his stuffed Daddy, and the amazingly action-packed road trip he embarks upon.

Madness. Mayhem. Hitchhiking Christian Terrorists. Crazy Pedros. An exploding sombrero. Ziplocked frozen poo. A Clubfoot musician who never stops playing his guitar. And his faithful dog Idjit, relaying important inform
Benoit Lelièvre
Apr 09, 2016 rated it really liked it
That was...wild. Lance Carbuncle's newest audibook is a Gonzoesque, Jodorowskian surreal road novel that stretches all the way to Florida, otherwise known as the butt-end of America. More important, (part of) this story is about the meaning that pets take in lonely people's lives. The narrator of this book with a title too long to be repeated is a middle-aged metalhead living on disabilities because of an MDMA trip turned bad and seeks human contact beyond his mother's with an intensity so despa ...more
Daniel Clausen
Jun 07, 2009 rated it it was amazing
It's the timeless story of a man and his relationship with his mutt; however, along the way, the protagonist must deal with the likes of Florida Spunk Ape (an ape with a massive erection), Christian terrorists, a hurricane, the not so righteous hand of the law, and his own withering spirit.

The book mixes the outrageous and the irreverent with humorous low brow stuff so masterful and nuanced it ends up doing handstand and becoming highbrow; no joke, the book manages to weave the vile, disturbed,
Jan 13, 2009 rated it really liked it
Shelves: english, humour
Usually I don't like books containing (i) dreams, (ii) pets and (iii) talking animals. So why four stars and not the minus three stars it deserves according to these rules?

Because (i) the pet only appears in dreams, (ii) the pet (sometimes) speaks in a scottish accent and (iii) for the first time I got a plausible explanation for the term "defenestration".
Jan 12, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This is probably my second favorite of Carbuncles books. If you are looking for a read that keeps you turning pages and enjoy a relatively warped sense of humor than this book is definitely for you. If you happen to also be a resident of Florida you will thoroughly enjoy the urban myths and local spots seamlessly put into the storyline of a man trying to get back to his ugly, old and transcendent basset hound.
Lance Carbuncle's lunatic genius is on brilliant display in this book, which has one of my favourite covers ever. (My kids also really enjoyed my pantomime explanation of what "spewed" meant -- thanks, Lance.)

Bassett Hound Idjit Galoot (my husband's new nickname, BTW) has run off right when his owner has packed up to move to Florida. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of the owner's quest to find his beloved dog.

And what a quest it is -- along the way he encou
Aug 19, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: anyone who needs a laugh or mood elevator :)
Recommended to Jennifer by: other readers of this book
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the most surreal, humorously disgusting book I have read this year, and that's saying a lot since I read about a lot of government conspiracies. Carbuncle does such a good job with the oddly fascinating South of the Border that by the middle of the book I was aching to be a Pablo. It was riveting, like Twin Peaks with a lot of extra bodily fluids and bad smells. The cast of misfits in this book will stay in my mind for years to come an ...more
Aug 26, 2009 rated it really liked it
This book rocked. It really was one of the funniest books I have ever read. I pretty much tore through this since it was impossible to put down. The narrator in this book has one of the craziest adventures I've ever read, and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire thing. At the same time, I was surprised to find how oddly touching the story turned out to be.

I mean really, how awesome is it to find references to skullets, mud-butt, and Chuck Liddell all in one book? Now that's perfection
Jun 06, 2016 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: favourites
This was insane in the best way possible. And the way it's written makes every demented situation seem so real, it's even crazier. And I know crazy.
Loved the references, loved the footnotes (I'd dare to say there are not enough of them) and I loved every single character. There's not much else I can say, it's fucking perfect.
Jul 16, 2008 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Freaks & Southerners
What I learned from this book:

-- Never express a basset hound's anal glands.

-- Never accept a gift of feces from a nymphomaniac.

-- Be circumspect when shipping human remains on Interstate 75.

-- Avoid Florida entirely.

-- A dog is a man's best friend.

May 16, 2018 rated it liked it
Shelves: humor
A humorous and bizarre tale of a man traveling to Florida in a moving van. He has the most odd and disturbing road trip ever.

A weird and wild read. Good for fans of Kurt Vonnegut, Hunter S. Thompson, Tim Dorsey, and Christopher Moore.

Jul 15, 2008 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: anyone who needs to laugh
Recommended to C.B. by: Lance Carbuncle
In a time when people see through their ears and think with their emotions, a view through the fractured looking glass is all the more welcome. Carbuncle delivers in high Tsunami form as he stomps, swaggers, and sways into the limelight with the bitches in tow and the balls of a sumo sailor. And how he does this with the absolute simplicity of a true master is achieved by the simplest and most expedient of means: humor. When we meet the main character we are mildly impressed by his seemly unimpr ...more
Aug 19, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: fans of Tim Dorsey and Carl Hiassen
Recommended to Treplovski by: You don't wanna know
Of all days for the dog to get out. Idjit Galoot, the senescent bassett hound, chooses Moving Day to slip his leash and go Walkabout. Now he's wondering where everybody's gone, and his charmingly dysfunctional master, whose sole focus heretofore has been getting high, watching TV, and diggin' Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, is galvanized into action. Find that dog! How hard can *that* be?

In the classic tradition of dark satire from Gulliver to Billy Pilgrim, from Curious George to Candy, the namel
Aug 18, 2009 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: read-2009, five-stars
I didn't know what to think of the Book when i got it and i kinda put off reading it for a while although i don't know why.

I seriously think its one of my favourite books of the year and its hard to say why without spoiling the book but its just awesome from start to finish.

It reminded me alot of fear and loathing in las vegas and pretty much every road trip movie/book going it has that same feeling of they're never going get what they want in the end but you'll go along for the ride anyways.
Stephen McQuiggan
Jan 12, 2017 rated it it was amazing
I knew I'd love this from the opening paragraph of the foreword. What follows is a mash up of Kerouac, Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, and the fevered opium dreams of a howling lunatic. There are riffs on Blue Velvet, a just summation of Dio's role in Sabbath, a guideline for the correct way to deal with posers who pretend to like albums they've never heard, a giant exploding sombrero, and a zip-lock collection of scat that has forever rendered the word 'Meatball' both repulsive and hilarious to me ...more
Apr 20, 2012 rated it really liked it
Shelves: reviewed
Dear Rev. Carbuncle:

First, your books always make me laugh and crave meatless meat byproducts shaped like tiny wieners and come in pop-top cans.

Second, if you grace me with my very own PEDRO name, I promise to make a custom T-shirt, and post a picture of me wearing it. T-shirts are walking billboards, some tell gospel truths, some get you arrested for staring, or stalking, or both. I guarantee that my PEDRO-tee will be half advert, half pervert, and 1000000% awesome. Perhaps I could include a
Garrett Cook
May 29, 2009 rated it really liked it
Some things that are funnier than almost everything else:
Old Bluesmen
The Sasquatch
South of the Border (the pseudoMexican tourist trap)
The American South

Lance Carbuncle without being just completely dismissive of the South gives us a cool and scathing road trip through it's twists and turns. Full of colorful, weird characters, lawbreaking shenanigans and insights into existential confusion, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed delivers. Reminiscent of the fil
Aug 20, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Man, was this one fun to read! You could say it's a story about a man and his dog, but it is much more. This was a read that took no effort on my part. I was pulled in right away and stayed there until the end.
In the book, everyday banter has more to it, and everyday situations become extraordinary, even mystical at times. The best part about this is how it is done. You never get the feeling that the author is trying too hard to get there. I give bonus points also for the cool footnotes. Yes, I
Jan 05, 2016 rated it really liked it
It's an awesome book for anyone who loves (and understands) Basset-Hounds & Iron Maiden. And weird situations, of course, because there are lots of them!! :) Like the thing with Bruce Dickinson's (gentlemen's) poop... it is the strangest thing I've ever read! :)))) (I'm curious to know if he read it - I'm sure he would say: bloody hell!)
Oh, by the way, I wouldn't want to be a translator for this book. :D
Apr 02, 2013 rated it really liked it
this book is and action-packed soiree of blood,guts,nuts,mythological mayhem. I went into this book blind and crippled but now I can see and tap dance. read it with both eyes and when you've finished it stick it in a food blender and inject its liquid version into your jugular. I really want some of dem griddled taters!! ...more
Melanie Page
Feb 09, 2017 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: audiobooks, dnf
Woooow. Chapter two and the dude wishes he could freeze time so he could rape women. When he unfroze time, she would "come to with a warm feeling between her legs and a smile on her face." ...more
Amanda Lyons
Apr 27, 2010 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: favorites
The story of an ill used and self destructive man and his overwhelming need to reach his lost dog Smashed is filled with colorful characters reminiscent of those in a Harry Crews novel. Well written and brimming with gonzo adventures the book never lets up and satisfies the reader's desire for something fresh and funny without taking itself too seriously.

A road trip story gone mad Carbuncle's book offers the literary equivalent of a palate cleanser, clearing away the random disappointments left
L. Brooks
Aug 31, 2008 rated it really liked it
You'll never look at hash browns in the same way again...

When you see a title like "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed", you're almost afraid to read the book. Afraid that the story might live up to the somewhat revolting imagery that its title implies. As a matter of fact, Lance Carbuncle's title is almost a challenge. "I dare you to read this book!"

And so I did, not being one to back down when challenged. And the book delivers on its promise. At times I actually did thr
Sep 25, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: EVERYONE
Recommended to Chloe by: Lori Hettler
Shelves: fiction
This book made me laugh so hard that I got kicked out of bed. I don't know of any higher praise I could give it than that.

If you're not interested in canine spirit guides, clubfooted blues musicians, exploding sombreros, people who keep the frozen poop of rockstars in their freezers, trying to escape a hurricane in a weinermobile or French-Canadian women and the skunk apes that love them, then this is probably not the book for you. Then again, if none of the above interests you, you may want to
Dec 08, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: anyone with a sick sense of humor
Lance Carbuncle is a natural. I can't wait for his next novel. It may sound like an impossible feat for a 35 year old, unemployed, unmarried guy to morph into a hero(of sorts) within 266 pages, but Mr. Carbuncle knows what he's doing. Flaming sombreros, spewing vultures, and stuffed relatives aside, there is an underlying epic feel to the storytelling, plenty of fun-facts lingering in the footnotes, and enough crude humor to fill a freezer with... This one belongs on the shelf between Christophe ...more
Byron  'Giggsy' Paul
Mar 25, 2013 rated it really liked it
Shelves: bizarro
odd, grotesque, and perverse at times, but not overly - Carbuncle does a great job mixing the bizarre with a classic folk road trip tale to come up with a very humorous and entertaining novel. Genre-wise this sits on the edqe of Bizarro sub-genre of speculative fiction and general comedy, if bizarro interests you I recommend Carbuncle's Sloughing Off the Rot published a few years ofter this one - it's a true bizarro classic. ...more
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The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic lit ...more

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