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How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be
From the #1 New York Times bestselling authors of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry, a new edition of the timeless paperback and audio guide that provides parents with need-to-know basics about how to communicate effectively with their children—now with additional material and workbook exercises.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s down-to-earth, respectful approach to parenting has improved the lives of countless families throughout the world. Now, the authors’ wisdom and advice are collected in this concise new edition of How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be —an essential workbook and audio guide to their widely embraced and empowering methods of parenting—uniquely designed for busy parents on the go. Faber and Mazlish address the struggles parents face every day. By listening to this recording and doing the workbook exercises, you’ll learn how
•Deal with your children’s strong emotions
•Set firm limits and still maintain goodwill
•Express your angry feelings without being hurtful
•Engage your children’s cooperation
•Resolve family conflicts peacefully
Loaded with real-life stories, delightful cartoons, and answers to commonly asked questions, this new multimedia edition demonstrates simple, proven skills that can make relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s down-to-earth, respectful approach to parenting has improved the lives of countless families throughout the world. Now, the authors’ wisdom and advice are collected in this concise new edition of How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be —an essential workbook and audio guide to their widely embraced and empowering methods of parenting—uniquely designed for busy parents on the go. Faber and Mazlish address the struggles parents face every day. By listening to this recording and doing the workbook exercises, you’ll learn how
•Deal with your children’s strong emotions
•Set firm limits and still maintain goodwill
•Express your angry feelings without being hurtful
•Engage your children’s cooperation
•Resolve family conflicts peacefully
Loaded with real-life stories, delightful cartoons, and answers to commonly asked questions, this new multimedia edition demonstrates simple, proven skills that can make relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
112 pages, Paperback
Published October 15, 2013
55 people are currently reading
565 people want to read
About the author
Adele Faber
58 books348 followersAdele Faber graduated from Queens College with a B.A. in theater and drama, earned her master's degree in education from New York University, and taught in the New York City high schools for eight years before joining the faculty of the New School for Social Research in New York and Family Life Institute of C.W. Post College of Long Island University. She is the mother of three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 82 reviews
July 30, 2018
Ir drošā un ir nedrošā piesaiste. Un ir nopelnītā-drošā piesaiste (earned security). Šī ir grāmata, kurā sirsnīgi un ar humoru tiek pastāstīts, ka mēs spējam iemācīties veidot drošas, tuvas un stiprinošas attiecības ar saviem bērniem, pat ja paši tādas neesam piedzīvojuši. “Nopelnītās-drošās” piesaistes vecāku mazā rokasgrāmata. Humora, labvēlības un sirsnības pilna. Iedvesma.
November 23, 2017
I like to plan ahead, though admittedly this is taking it a little far — I don’t plan on having children for years(sss).
But the more important something is, the more ahead I like to get ahead and prepare - so I’m learning at my own leisure with an open mind, as opposed to in a pressure cooker of “I needed to learn this yesterday.” I think this is especially after becoming a people manager in my last job, realizing I had done little to prepare for that kind of responsibility, and I learned it the hard way by fucking up a lot in the beginning. I don’t want to repeat that kind of state of unpreparedness with my future kids.
Plus at <100 pages, it took me 20 minutes to finish (great booster for those end-of-year reading goals).
Designed deliberately for “busy parents on the go” this mini book takes the core principles of the authors’ best-selling parenting books (including “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” and “Sibling Without Rivalry”.) It's a great introduction to the main concepts as the learnings are exceptionally concise and concrete. The numerous stories and examples convey a lot of wisdom in an accessible way — in fact, many hit a little TOO close to home. Some of the “Unhelpful” examples and “What not to do”s, I heard from my parents growing up, and more unnervingly, in my own voice when I struggle to label and process my emotions and react to frustrating situations.
So oddly, even though it’s a book meant for parents in speaking with children, my takeaways for now are valuable, practical tips in interacting with colleagues, bosses, direct reports, friends, and my partner. The beauty of learning through the lens of children is pure simplicity - stripping away everything else and getting to the core: we all deal with strong emotions, and we all need help acknowledging/dealing with them and developing skills around our own emotional intelligence. What an important reminder, especially in these times.
What a great format to get just the right amount of learning on a topic that's not relevant to my life, but will be later! Take my $2.99 for now, Elaine and Adele, more coming from me in a few years!
But the more important something is, the more ahead I like to get ahead and prepare - so I’m learning at my own leisure with an open mind, as opposed to in a pressure cooker of “I needed to learn this yesterday.” I think this is especially after becoming a people manager in my last job, realizing I had done little to prepare for that kind of responsibility, and I learned it the hard way by fucking up a lot in the beginning. I don’t want to repeat that kind of state of unpreparedness with my future kids.
Plus at <100 pages, it took me 20 minutes to finish (great booster for those end-of-year reading goals).
Designed deliberately for “busy parents on the go” this mini book takes the core principles of the authors’ best-selling parenting books (including “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” and “Sibling Without Rivalry”.) It's a great introduction to the main concepts as the learnings are exceptionally concise and concrete. The numerous stories and examples convey a lot of wisdom in an accessible way — in fact, many hit a little TOO close to home. Some of the “Unhelpful” examples and “What not to do”s, I heard from my parents growing up, and more unnervingly, in my own voice when I struggle to label and process my emotions and react to frustrating situations.
So oddly, even though it’s a book meant for parents in speaking with children, my takeaways for now are valuable, practical tips in interacting with colleagues, bosses, direct reports, friends, and my partner. The beauty of learning through the lens of children is pure simplicity - stripping away everything else and getting to the core: we all deal with strong emotions, and we all need help acknowledging/dealing with them and developing skills around our own emotional intelligence. What an important reminder, especially in these times.
What a great format to get just the right amount of learning on a topic that's not relevant to my life, but will be later! Take my $2.99 for now, Elaine and Adele, more coming from me in a few years!
April 26, 2021
This is a really helpful short listen on communicating. I think the principles extend to all relationships, not just with kids. Most helpful thing: acknowledge feelings, show empathy, and pause a bit before offering solutions. Give the person a chance after their feelings are known (and not shamed) to think about the situation—they may see a solution themselves.
One really helpful statement was that if people can’t feel, they can’t think. I get that—if I am having to use all my energy to squelch feelings that aren’t “allowed,” I can’t get anywhere in my mind or anywhere with the problem. It doesn’t mean allowing acting out in unacceptable ways, it just means showing empathy and giving people time to process after the strong feelings have calmed (and they are calmed by the acknowledgement and empathy—otherwise, again, the feelings escalate within the person and they can’t function.)
Ways to communicate about something that irritates you:
Describe what you see (without accusation.)
Describe what you feel (briefly.)
Give information.
Offer a choice.
Use one word.
Write a note.
Here are examples from a jacket being left on the floor:
“I see a jacket on the floor.”
“I’m irritated by that.”
“Jackets belong in the closet.”
“You can use a hook or a hanger.”
“Jennifer—jacket.”
The note was a short humorous one something like, “Jackets on the floor make mommy mad and daddy roar, so ...” (something that rhymed about hanging it up)
The authors briefly and unhelpfully condemn spanking. It’s the usual treatment where spanking is an angry last resort equated with hitting.
There are sections to try out and practice audibly the principles you’ve learned. Those are great. Also sections answering objections that help to explain what the authors do not mean for you to do. Also, the encouragement that nobody is going to be perfect at this but every little change helps the relationship.
One really helpful statement was that if people can’t feel, they can’t think. I get that—if I am having to use all my energy to squelch feelings that aren’t “allowed,” I can’t get anywhere in my mind or anywhere with the problem. It doesn’t mean allowing acting out in unacceptable ways, it just means showing empathy and giving people time to process after the strong feelings have calmed (and they are calmed by the acknowledgement and empathy—otherwise, again, the feelings escalate within the person and they can’t function.)
Ways to communicate about something that irritates you:
Describe what you see (without accusation.)
Describe what you feel (briefly.)
Give information.
Offer a choice.
Use one word.
Write a note.
Here are examples from a jacket being left on the floor:
“I see a jacket on the floor.”
“I’m irritated by that.”
“Jackets belong in the closet.”
“You can use a hook or a hanger.”
“Jennifer—jacket.”
The note was a short humorous one something like, “Jackets on the floor make mommy mad and daddy roar, so ...” (something that rhymed about hanging it up)
The authors briefly and unhelpfully condemn spanking. It’s the usual treatment where spanking is an angry last resort equated with hitting.
There are sections to try out and practice audibly the principles you’ve learned. Those are great. Also sections answering objections that help to explain what the authors do not mean for you to do. Also, the encouragement that nobody is going to be perfect at this but every little change helps the relationship.
July 26, 2016
Мне очень нравится подход авторов к вопросу воспитания детей. Это уже третья их книга, которую я прочитал. Книга помогает осознанно реагировать на ситуации, возникающие с детьми, выбирать правильные слова при разговоре. Думаю, я буду ещё не раз перечитывать эту книгу и обращаться к ней по мере необходимости. Советую всем родителям!
August 8, 2020
O super scurtă lecție de parenting în care ni se subliniază câteva tehnici atât pentru a-i ajuta pe copii să își înțeleagă și accepte emoțiile și ne ajută pe noi, în rolul de părinți sa ii ajutăm sa le gestioneze.... La fel si pe ale noastre, în cea mai importanta relație a vieții noastre: cu copiii noștri.
April 3, 2022
The audiobook for this is only a little over an hour long, but it had some good tips to start from. I’d like to check out their other books to see if they expand on this one.
September 4, 2024
Love everything by them. Same lessons over and over, but I need the reinforcement.
January 8, 2021
Lectura ligera que puede completarse de una sentada.
Ser padre es un trabajo arduo para el cual nunca se esta 100% preparado, por lo que no esta de más investigar, aprender y educarse.
Este libro es una buena opción si quieres iniciar ya que tiene apenas cien páginas. No es una obra maestra, ni te dará todas la respuestas sobre la maternidad, pero sí que lo recomiendo para abrir tus horizontes.
Ser padre es un trabajo arduo para el cual nunca se esta 100% preparado, por lo que no esta de más investigar, aprender y educarse.
Este libro es una buena opción si quieres iniciar ya que tiene apenas cien páginas. No es una obra maestra, ni te dará todas la respuestas sobre la maternidad, pero sí que lo recomiendo para abrir tus horizontes.
May 19, 2014
Title: How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be
Author: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Read by: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio
Length: 1 hour, 8 minutes
Source: MP4 Audio from Simon & Schuster Audio – Thanks!
I previously have listened to the audiobook How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and picked up some good tips. How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be is more of a review of that book with great examples on how to work through common problems. Topics include dealing with strong emotions, setting firm limits, resolving family conflicts peacefully, engaging your children’s cooperation, and expressing your angry feelings without being hurtful.
I liked that it was an hour long and something I could listen to on my phone while doing chores. It was a good refresher and I will be listening to it again. I would recommend this to those that have listened to or read How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk for a review and for those who have not listened to it or read it for a quick snippet on what you could expect to find in the longer book.
The narrators are the authors and are interesting and engaging. They put such feeling into acting out the scenes and children’s voices. I could relate to many of the examples, but I really liked the ending where they point out that all parents are not perfect and will not remember all of the tips. That made me feel better!
I originally posted this review on my blog at: http://www.lauragerold.blogspot.com/2...
Author: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Read by: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio
Length: 1 hour, 8 minutes
Source: MP4 Audio from Simon & Schuster Audio – Thanks!
I previously have listened to the audiobook How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and picked up some good tips. How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be is more of a review of that book with great examples on how to work through common problems. Topics include dealing with strong emotions, setting firm limits, resolving family conflicts peacefully, engaging your children’s cooperation, and expressing your angry feelings without being hurtful.
I liked that it was an hour long and something I could listen to on my phone while doing chores. It was a good refresher and I will be listening to it again. I would recommend this to those that have listened to or read How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk for a review and for those who have not listened to it or read it for a quick snippet on what you could expect to find in the longer book.
The narrators are the authors and are interesting and engaging. They put such feeling into acting out the scenes and children’s voices. I could relate to many of the examples, but I really liked the ending where they point out that all parents are not perfect and will not remember all of the tips. That made me feel better!
I originally posted this review on my blog at: http://www.lauragerold.blogspot.com/2...
March 2, 2014
I'm not sure of the target audience of the book. Generally I like and believe all the information it was just so weird in its format.
September 12, 2018
While some techniques in this book are helpful (I especially like the idea of acknowledging and giving name to children's emotions rather than instantly criticizing/ rooting for solutions), the idea that their is never any place for punishment is absurd. Children need boundaries, and need assurance when those boundaries are transgressed that there are consequences. Without learning that cause and effect in childhood, they'll learn it as an adult where the consequences are permanent and life-altering. Not offering this to your child is tantamount to child abuse, in my opinion. There is a difference between level-headed "because you didn't listen, the consequence is...." and running around in a rage smacking your kids when they disobey. Failing to distinguish between these polar opposites shows the authors' dishonest approach to punishment as a dynamic teaching tool for children.
September 10, 2023
Saya membaca buku ini via Gramedia Digital. Sebuah buku yang singkat dan padat, namun jelas. Secara umum, prinsip-prinsip yang disampaikan penulis konsisten di beragam buku yang ditulis. Buat saya, buku ini mudah dibaca, namun apa yang disampaikan sangat penting. Apa yang disampaikan mudah dicerna, meski tidak mudah untuk konsisten diterapkan dalam kehidupan pengasuhan sehari-hari. Ada beberapa prinsip penting: tentang perasaan dan emosi yang HARUS selalu diterima (namun ekspresi emosi yang kurang tepat lah yang tidak bisa diterima begitu saja), tentang bagaimana membuat anak menuruti apa yang orang tua sampaikan, tentang hukuman dan juga pujian, dan terakhir tentang bagaimana mengelola amarah. Buku ini juga mudah dipahami karena contoh disampaikan melalui cerita nyata, khas penulis. Selalu menyenangkan membaca buku dari penulis. Sangat sesuai bagi siapapun bahkan yang merasa awam.
February 11, 2022
I listened to the audiobook, which was read by Adele and Elaine. They had a theatrical presence. I appreciated hearing examples from real parents and the quotes that came from them.
***
"Honey, I can see you're upset, but I can't listen well now...Let's talk tonight after dinner. Then, I'll be able to give you my FULL attention."
***
It was a short listen and I enjoyed it while on a walk through the neighborhood with my child. I wasn't a huge fan of the baby-speak imitated children's voices used in the recording, so those grated on my nerves a bit. However, since it was such a short book, it wouldn't deter me from recommending it to others. It gives parents something to think about and work on.
***
"Honey, I can see you're upset, but I can't listen well now...Let's talk tonight after dinner. Then, I'll be able to give you my FULL attention."
***
It was a short listen and I enjoyed it while on a walk through the neighborhood with my child. I wasn't a huge fan of the baby-speak imitated children's voices used in the recording, so those grated on my nerves a bit. However, since it was such a short book, it wouldn't deter me from recommending it to others. It gives parents something to think about and work on.
April 27, 2023
Pozycje tych autorek to obowiązkowa lektura dla każdego rodzica. Ta akurat jest króciutkim przypomnieniem podstawowych zasad i sama w sobie jest jedynie małą częścią tego, czego można nauczyć się od Adele Faber. Na pewno warto ją przeczytać, ale jeszcze lepiej sięgnąć po "Jak mówić, żeby dzieci nas słuchały. Jak słuchać, żeby dzieci do nas mówiły". Tam są rozwinięte wszystkie zagadnienia, o których autorka mówi w niniejszej książce. Dla rodziców młodszych dzieci, polecam odpowiednik tej książki, napisany przez córkę Adele - "Jak mówić, żeby maluchy nas słuchały...".
Trudno mi więc obiektywnie ocenić tę króciutką pozycję. Sama w sobie jest jak dobry, ale krótki artykuł na temat zasad wychowania w bliskości. Zdecydowanie lepiej sięgnąć po grubsze książki Adele Faber.
Trudno mi więc obiektywnie ocenić tę króciutką pozycję. Sama w sobie jest jak dobry, ale krótki artykuł na temat zasad wychowania w bliskości. Zdecydowanie lepiej sięgnąć po grubsze książki Adele Faber.
August 27, 2019
I started reading the small book which contains short excerpts and cartoons to illustrate the point. While I liked it’s concise and quickly readable format, I found it hokey and was apt to question their tactics. I then picked up the audiobook, and on the contrary, found it to be much more believable and real. The authors narrate it, and though their role play as children sometimes sounds silly, they were more likely to give realistic examples as well as relate the circumstances to problems in real life. This is a great, short way to hone the “acknowledge feelings first” approach to parenting. The audio book is only about an hour long.
August 19, 2018
4.5 stars
I love Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's books - my favourite parenting book is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, after all!
I read this 4 years ago so I don't remember it perfectly, but I do have 9 pages of comprehensive notes from the book that I looked back on. Good stuff, however similar to HTTSKWL (nothing too new in this book, that's why I didn't give it 5 stars).
Would recommend to current/future parents, teachers & people dealing with kids!
I love Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's books - my favourite parenting book is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, after all!
I read this 4 years ago so I don't remember it perfectly, but I do have 9 pages of comprehensive notes from the book that I looked back on. Good stuff, however similar to HTTSKWL (nothing too new in this book, that's why I didn't give it 5 stars).
Would recommend to current/future parents, teachers & people dealing with kids!
May 13, 2021
This is a good either refresher, or a good way to dip your toes in the water for their longer (excellent) book “how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” I listened to this short audio book in 40 mins. It’s manageable in audio form. Wouldn’t recommend the larger book in audio though. This short book gives lots of good examples of how to be a respectful parent by acknowledging your child’s feelings. Love it. Will probably listen to it a few more times before returning it.
May 18, 2023
This book provides clear and relatable examples of how to communicate effectively with toddlers. It highlights the value of skillful parenting rather than relying solely on love.
I found the examples in the book very enjoyable, and it's a useful resource for parents who want to improve their abilities in handling their child's emotions. While the book doesn't delve into extensive details, it does stress the importance of empathy and understanding when it comes to a child's emotions.
I found the examples in the book very enjoyable, and it's a useful resource for parents who want to improve their abilities in handling their child's emotions. While the book doesn't delve into extensive details, it does stress the importance of empathy and understanding when it comes to a child's emotions.
August 31, 2025
• 𝑩𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝑹𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒘 •
𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: ☆☆☆ 3.5/5
Very short audiobook, especially on the speed I listened to it it felt more of a podcast. Simple and easy instructions on how you can empathise better with children's feelings and how for example to involve them in solving the conflict.
A lot of my reviews are also available with photo at my Bookstagram: @justmyfantasyworld
𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: ☆☆☆ 3.5/5
Very short audiobook, especially on the speed I listened to it it felt more of a podcast. Simple and easy instructions on how you can empathise better with children's feelings and how for example to involve them in solving the conflict.
A lot of my reviews are also available with photo at my Bookstagram: @justmyfantasyworld
February 8, 2021
I’ve read their other books How To Talk..... and Siblings Without Rivalry and this short book is a great reminder of the skills taught in those other two books. These skills don’t come naturally to me and are, unfortunately, easily forgotten so I will probably come back to this book for a refresher about once a year. Glad to have it in my library
July 20, 2021
*الكتاب ٤* 📖
▫How To Be The Parent You Always Wanted To Be -1999
▫Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
▫ ١١١ صفحة
▫🎖🎖🎖🎖🎖
▫يتكلم الكتاب عن كيف تصبح المربي الذي حلمت به، وكيف تساعد وتسعد ابنائك في مشكلات حياتهم اليومية من دون صراخ او عراك.
مع اعطاء امثلة من الحياة كإسلوب حوار وكيف نحن نتحدث بهذا الأمر معهم، وما هي الكيفية الأمثل المفروض الرد بها.
▫How To Be The Parent You Always Wanted To Be -1999
▫Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
▫ ١١١ صفحة
▫🎖🎖🎖🎖🎖
▫يتكلم الكتاب عن كيف تصبح المربي الذي حلمت به، وكيف تساعد وتسعد ابنائك في مشكلات حياتهم اليومية من دون صراخ او عراك.
مع اعطاء امثلة من الحياة كإسلوب حوار وكيف نحن نتحدث بهذا الأمر معهم، وما هي الكيفية الأمثل المفروض الرد بها.
April 23, 2023
This is great for a quick overview of Faber's concepts. I highly recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for a more in-depth explanation of her research. We have had great results with our kids utilizing these frameworks! It feels so relational and equips the kids (and the parents!) with tools they can use their entire lives.
December 8, 2024
“Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a miserable situation where there are simply no good answers. But the beauty of this approach is that we can usually figure out how to prevent it from happening again.”
This was very similar to her other book and didn’t have a lot of new information but had great examples of how to treat kids with the respect they deserve
This was very similar to her other book and didn’t have a lot of new information but had great examples of how to treat kids with the respect they deserve
November 11, 2017
Easy to read, and practical little guide for parents who want to bring out the best for kids. Book is broken up into common parent traps, and how to look at your to be the parent you want to be. I'd recommend it.
February 1, 2021
Easy to digest information about more peaceful communication with your little ones. It echoes other information I’ve received on the topic.
Lots of little quizzes and what-ifs to help wrap your head around rewording your reactions and staying on the task of being heard by your little hellions.
Lots of little quizzes and what-ifs to help wrap your head around rewording your reactions and staying on the task of being heard by your little hellions.
September 14, 2021
This is a short summary of the other books by Adele and Elaine; it’s a great overview of their ideas. The audio book was read by them and was finished in about an hour. This short book is a great as either a quick refresher or as an intro to their wonderfully helpful books.
May 16, 2022
A more brief to this book, the main way that is successful to deal with ur children and with people in general is to listen to what annoys them at first to understand the motive behind their actions and then you can introduce to them what u didn't like and what do you expect from them.
May 13, 2024
To takie kompendium wiedzy z pozostałych książek. Niecałe 100 stron pełne krótkich informacji, komiksowych dialogów i ćwiczeń. Idealne dla tych, którzy nie lubią długich poradników a chcą coś więcej wiedzieć.
July 13, 2017
So helpful! I very much enjoyed the audio version of this book. I used many of the techniques described in the book and I have felt improvement in my parenting skills.
November 14, 2017
Boring and the reader sounded like the child who she was pretending to be, even when speaking as an adult.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 82 reviews