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Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages
This important book brings the ignored population of abused upper-income women to light, revealing for the first time the depth and severity of "upscale abuse"
How is it possible for a highly educated woman with a career and resources of her own to stay in a marriage with an abusive husband? How can a man be considered a pillar of his community, run a successful business and regularly give his wife a black eye? That we can even ask these startling questions proves how convinced we are that domestic abuse is restricted to the lower classes.
In "Not to People Like Us" psychotherapist Susan Weitzman dramatically challenges this assumption. It is the first book to explore a previously overlooked population of emotionally and physically battered wives-the upper-educated and upper-income women, who rarely report abuse and remain trapped by their own silence. Weitzman draws on an in-depth study to document the shocking nature and incidence of abuse among the wives of professors, physicians and CEOs-many of them professionals and executives themselves. With keen insight and profound sensitivity, she reveals the unique path taken by the upscale wife-the early warning signs, the dilemmas and decisions, the dangerous desire to cover up and maintain appearances.
The first book to condemn the legal and social service system for failing to recognize domestic violence among upper-income families, "Not to People Like Us" offers crucial information to help women find their way out of abusive relationships and toward safety and independence.
How is it possible for a highly educated woman with a career and resources of her own to stay in a marriage with an abusive husband? How can a man be considered a pillar of his community, run a successful business and regularly give his wife a black eye? That we can even ask these startling questions proves how convinced we are that domestic abuse is restricted to the lower classes.
In "Not to People Like Us" psychotherapist Susan Weitzman dramatically challenges this assumption. It is the first book to explore a previously overlooked population of emotionally and physically battered wives-the upper-educated and upper-income women, who rarely report abuse and remain trapped by their own silence. Weitzman draws on an in-depth study to document the shocking nature and incidence of abuse among the wives of professors, physicians and CEOs-many of them professionals and executives themselves. With keen insight and profound sensitivity, she reveals the unique path taken by the upscale wife-the early warning signs, the dilemmas and decisions, the dangerous desire to cover up and maintain appearances.
The first book to condemn the legal and social service system for failing to recognize domestic violence among upper-income families, "Not to People Like Us" offers crucial information to help women find their way out of abusive relationships and toward safety and independence.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 24, 2000
31 people are currently reading
350 people want to read
About the author
Susan Weitzman
3 books6 followersSusan Weitzman, Ph.D,. L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist, educator, researcher, national lecturer and litigation consultant. She was on the clinical staff of the Department of Outpatient Adult Psychiatry at the University of Chicago for 12 years and hastaught for many years at the University of Chicago's Graham School for Continuing Studies and Loyola University's School of Social Work in Chicago. Dr. Weitzman specializes in and lectures on the topics of attachment and separation, and addictive and abusive relationships. Her years of research have resulted in her groundbreaking work, Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages (Basic Books, 2000). National media coverage led to a documentary movie on the subject, now in development.
She is also the Founder and President of The Weitzman Center, a not-for-profit organization organized in November 2001 to provide support, information, and referral to upscale women and families struggling against the effects of abuse, as well as resources and education to the helping professionals working with this group of women. Until The Weitzman Center was incorporated in November 2001, no other organization was working solely to inform helping professionals and the public about violence in upper educated and/or upscale families. The Center is geared towards heightening awareness of the victimization and re-victimization of these women and to changing the face of what we, as a culture, think of as domestic abuse. Violence against women is not limited and defined by economic or educational boundaries. It can, and does, happen to "people like us."
Dr. Weitzman lectures and conducts workshops nationally and runs intensive weekend retreats for women recovering from upscale abusive relationships. In addition to her private practice,litigation consulting, and expert witness work, she is the mental health expert/commentator on WSBT-TV (a CBS affiliate in Indiana) on their morning news program within a segment called "Moms First," where her commentary on topical issues airs weekly. Dr. Weitzman has been on Oprah, 20/20, Fox News, National Public Radio and in People magazine, and is the recipient of numerous awards for her work including Social Worker of the Year in Illinois in 2002.
She is also the Founder and President of The Weitzman Center, a not-for-profit organization organized in November 2001 to provide support, information, and referral to upscale women and families struggling against the effects of abuse, as well as resources and education to the helping professionals working with this group of women. Until The Weitzman Center was incorporated in November 2001, no other organization was working solely to inform helping professionals and the public about violence in upper educated and/or upscale families. The Center is geared towards heightening awareness of the victimization and re-victimization of these women and to changing the face of what we, as a culture, think of as domestic abuse. Violence against women is not limited and defined by economic or educational boundaries. It can, and does, happen to "people like us."
Dr. Weitzman lectures and conducts workshops nationally and runs intensive weekend retreats for women recovering from upscale abusive relationships. In addition to her private practice,litigation consulting, and expert witness work, she is the mental health expert/commentator on WSBT-TV (a CBS affiliate in Indiana) on their morning news program within a segment called "Moms First," where her commentary on topical issues airs weekly. Dr. Weitzman has been on Oprah, 20/20, Fox News, National Public Radio and in People magazine, and is the recipient of numerous awards for her work including Social Worker of the Year in Illinois in 2002.
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December 10, 2020
Published in 2000, the nonfiction book, "Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages," by Dr. Susan Weitzman, contains a wealth of information about domestic violence in upper-class and upper-middle-class homes in the United States. The book is largely focused on female victims with male abusers, and the many cultural barriers that prevent these women from recognizing their situation and seeking help, as well as the fact that society largely leaves these women to fend for themselves, to often devastating results.
The prose of this book is fairly dry and repetitive. The content was often very depressing to read. But I sure learned a lot, and I greatly appreciate that this book exists.
Like many other reviewers on Goodreads, I became aware of this book after reading the novel "Big Little Lies," (which I finally picked up in the summer of 2020), and saw the title of this nonfiction book mentioned by the author as a work used for research.
After reading "Not to People Like Us," I realized that "Big Little Lies" further perpetuated false information and myths about upscale abuse (domestic violence in affluent homes), myths and misunderstandings that "Not to People Like Us" stridently sets out to correct. The fact that the novel works AGAINST its own stated research made me dislike the novel "Big Little Lies" even more, to the point that thinking about "Big Little Lies" now disgusts me. Maybe novelist Liane Moriarty claimed that she read this nonfiction book in order to make her novel seem more authoritative and/or informative, when in truth, Moriarty was simply peddling the same damaging myths about domestic violence that this work of nonfiction seeks to correct.
Here are some of my biggest personal takeaways from "Not to People Like Us," which I read a couple of months ago (Sept./Oct. 2020), now that I have had plenty of time to reflect on what has stayed with me from this book.
1. A lot of upscale abusers have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. That means that these abusers lack the capacity for empathy, and will never change. Learning more about NPD is vital to helping women (and men, and people of any gender) who end up in relationships with people who have NPD.
2. People who have NPD (and all upscale abusers in general) do not have a "honeymoon phase" in their relationships. Upscale abusers are *very* different from abusers who live in poverty, the working class, and the lower-middle class. ("Big Little Lies" depicted an upscale abuser who actually behaves in all ways like an abuser from an economically disadvantaged household, because this is the "type of abuse" most people are familiar with when we think of domestic abuse.) "Not to People Like Us" is a long examination of the many ways that upscale abuse (which is extraordinarily violent and completely horrifying) presents very differently than abuse in lower socioeconomic-class homes.
3. For children, witnessing domestic abuse may be as traumatic and harmful as being physically abused themselves. (pg 170)
4. Abusive men in economically disadvantaged homes are more likely to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) than NPD (which is primarily seen in abusers who are upper-class and upper-middle-class). (pg 136-137)
5. Children who grow up in homes with domestic violence may feel "an exaggerated sense of guilt and responsibility for protecting their mothers and younger siblings. This is related to the syndrome of the 'parentified child,' in which the child, old beyond his years, feels that it is not acceptable or safe to feel, be, or behave like a child." (pg 171)
For me personally, I had never come across the terminology of a "parentified child" before, and it was a revelation. My own personal life falls under this terminology exactly.
6. "When we consider the particular trauma that children in violent households experience [...]: Trauma specialist Judith Herman states that trauma occurs when 'the victim is rendered helpless by overwhelming force' and when 'the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning' are overwhelmed." (pg 171/172)
7. "Children from upscale abusive marriages experience much the same sense of danger (although certainly not material worries) that any less affluent child might." (pg 172)
**********
I grew up in poverty, in a home with some domestic violence and a whole lot of child abuse. In August 2020, I started doing a lot of research into NPD and BPD, and I was amazed to pick up this book a month later, and discover that both disorders are so common, and known, among abusers.
People with NPD are scary AF. I'm pretty certain that my own childhood abuser has NPD as well as BPD, or comorbid disorders, a personality disorder comorbidity which is also recognized by psychologists and psychiatrists who study BPD and NPD.
Like the abusive men who have Borderline Personality Disorder discussed in "Not to People Like Us," my childhood abuser has never been able to hold down a steady job (the longest she has ever been employed is a few weeks at a time), and has struggled mightily with money and finances her whole life. But it is her NPD which prohibits her from being able to seek help for herself, and keeps her trapped in daily episodes of Narcissistic Rage, which triggers her violent episodes.
Even though "Not to People Like Us" didn't reflect my own socioeconomic circumstances growing up, it certainly shone a light on personality disorders and violence that I have directly suffered from my entire life. I'm incredibly grateful to Dr. Weitzman for her research, and for writing this book.
If an updated version of "Not to People Like Us" were ever published, incorporating new psychological research and breakthroughs in psychiatry and domestic violence that have been made since 2000, I would certainly read it.
Five stars. Highly recommended.
The prose of this book is fairly dry and repetitive. The content was often very depressing to read. But I sure learned a lot, and I greatly appreciate that this book exists.
Like many other reviewers on Goodreads, I became aware of this book after reading the novel "Big Little Lies," (which I finally picked up in the summer of 2020), and saw the title of this nonfiction book mentioned by the author as a work used for research.
After reading "Not to People Like Us," I realized that "Big Little Lies" further perpetuated false information and myths about upscale abuse (domestic violence in affluent homes), myths and misunderstandings that "Not to People Like Us" stridently sets out to correct. The fact that the novel works AGAINST its own stated research made me dislike the novel "Big Little Lies" even more, to the point that thinking about "Big Little Lies" now disgusts me. Maybe novelist Liane Moriarty claimed that she read this nonfiction book in order to make her novel seem more authoritative and/or informative, when in truth, Moriarty was simply peddling the same damaging myths about domestic violence that this work of nonfiction seeks to correct.
Here are some of my biggest personal takeaways from "Not to People Like Us," which I read a couple of months ago (Sept./Oct. 2020), now that I have had plenty of time to reflect on what has stayed with me from this book.
1. A lot of upscale abusers have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. That means that these abusers lack the capacity for empathy, and will never change. Learning more about NPD is vital to helping women (and men, and people of any gender) who end up in relationships with people who have NPD.
2. People who have NPD (and all upscale abusers in general) do not have a "honeymoon phase" in their relationships. Upscale abusers are *very* different from abusers who live in poverty, the working class, and the lower-middle class. ("Big Little Lies" depicted an upscale abuser who actually behaves in all ways like an abuser from an economically disadvantaged household, because this is the "type of abuse" most people are familiar with when we think of domestic abuse.) "Not to People Like Us" is a long examination of the many ways that upscale abuse (which is extraordinarily violent and completely horrifying) presents very differently than abuse in lower socioeconomic-class homes.
3. For children, witnessing domestic abuse may be as traumatic and harmful as being physically abused themselves. (pg 170)
4. Abusive men in economically disadvantaged homes are more likely to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) than NPD (which is primarily seen in abusers who are upper-class and upper-middle-class). (pg 136-137)
5. Children who grow up in homes with domestic violence may feel "an exaggerated sense of guilt and responsibility for protecting their mothers and younger siblings. This is related to the syndrome of the 'parentified child,' in which the child, old beyond his years, feels that it is not acceptable or safe to feel, be, or behave like a child." (pg 171)
For me personally, I had never come across the terminology of a "parentified child" before, and it was a revelation. My own personal life falls under this terminology exactly.
6. "When we consider the particular trauma that children in violent households experience [...]: Trauma specialist Judith Herman states that trauma occurs when 'the victim is rendered helpless by overwhelming force' and when 'the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning' are overwhelmed." (pg 171/172)
7. "Children from upscale abusive marriages experience much the same sense of danger (although certainly not material worries) that any less affluent child might." (pg 172)
**********
I grew up in poverty, in a home with some domestic violence and a whole lot of child abuse. In August 2020, I started doing a lot of research into NPD and BPD, and I was amazed to pick up this book a month later, and discover that both disorders are so common, and known, among abusers.
People with NPD are scary AF. I'm pretty certain that my own childhood abuser has NPD as well as BPD, or comorbid disorders, a personality disorder comorbidity which is also recognized by psychologists and psychiatrists who study BPD and NPD.
Like the abusive men who have Borderline Personality Disorder discussed in "Not to People Like Us," my childhood abuser has never been able to hold down a steady job (the longest she has ever been employed is a few weeks at a time), and has struggled mightily with money and finances her whole life. But it is her NPD which prohibits her from being able to seek help for herself, and keeps her trapped in daily episodes of Narcissistic Rage, which triggers her violent episodes.
Even though "Not to People Like Us" didn't reflect my own socioeconomic circumstances growing up, it certainly shone a light on personality disorders and violence that I have directly suffered from my entire life. I'm incredibly grateful to Dr. Weitzman for her research, and for writing this book.
If an updated version of "Not to People Like Us" were ever published, incorporating new psychological research and breakthroughs in psychiatry and domestic violence that have been made since 2000, I would certainly read it.
Five stars. Highly recommended.
May 4, 2016
After I read Liane Moriority's Big Little Lies, she referenced this book and I thought I'd check it out. It is definitely more of a case study, based on statistics, and research. It took me awhile to read because it wasn't necessarily riveting. But the information was well displayed and she makes a very valid case about domestic violence in upscale homes. It's definitely an issue that is often hidden yet no less tragic. Worth perusing.
February 4, 2017
Finally someone breaks the consiracy of silence. Domestic Violence is not just a poor mans problem.
February 27, 2015
Basically a scientific confirmation of what I have heard from my Chinese ex-girlfriend - "It is stupid and dangerous to marry a rich man - no one becomes rich by being nice to people, most rich husbands hit their wives, have serial mistresses, spend their money for themselves and have terrible character flaws". I think that this book should be a part of school curricula in an abridged version, both for boys and girls - to destroy the terrible myths of Cinderela, Prince Charming and other terrible socially-destructive myths often called "fairy tales", which serve only to divide the society and allow psychopaths to proliferate. The elimination of those destructive memes which attract and keep those women inside such marital arrangements would certainly be welcome.
If I'd be in a topmost legal council I'd recommend for surgical sterilization of the abusive husbands - abuse and rape is a well-known animal procreation strategy, however we have evolved past the age where it was needed or acceptable, hence those people should be sterilized whenever possible, as it will definitely improve the genetic make-up of mankind.
If I'd be in a topmost legal council I'd recommend for surgical sterilization of the abusive husbands - abuse and rape is a well-known animal procreation strategy, however we have evolved past the age where it was needed or acceptable, hence those people should be sterilized whenever possible, as it will definitely improve the genetic make-up of mankind.
September 12, 2017
Eye-opening book about abuse within marriages, concentrating specifically on wealthy families. I read this 17 years after its publication and it seems dated in focusing solely on the wealthy wife and ignoring same-sex unions or battered men. Also, very little focus on getting help for the perpetrator. Despite that, there is a lot of great information in getting the victim to realize the situation they are in and how they can deal with it. I hope the author will update this book!
February 12, 2019
I read this after Big, Little Lies, the case histories were interesting and I do think this group of women is probably understudied, underrepresented and misunderstood. But I was hoping for a bit more narrative, -this was just a too text-booky for me. Also a tad repetitive beginning with the phrase "people like us".
July 9, 2008
A very good read. I would recommend this, especially to counselors in training and women in general. This is a population that goes undetected, due to the implicit "shoulds" that surround the myth of money and marriage = happiness. What was astounding was the number of women who were more educated than their husbands who were verbally and physically abused by them. I know after what I have seen in internship, this book is a very useful addition to my library. It serves to remind me, as Shug Avery said in The Color Purple, "us just want to be loved." For some women, that love comes at the expense of self-esteem, brought about by an emptiness that money, marriage, even advanced degrees could not fill.
March 7, 2021
I read this book for work and while the majority of my clients don’t fit into this niche, some do. It gave me things of which to be aware for being trauma-informed. I did take issue with the stance of “why does she stay” but realize the book was written 20 years ago and even today in 2021 this is a pervasive attitude in so many arenas.
December 17, 2021
Interesting and insightful book that someone recommended to me. Makes a good case for more research on this topic. However, I think there might be a better term to use than "upscale violence," which seems to continue the core problem of minimization.
April 24, 2024
I’ll admit never thinking much about the fate of the very rich, especially the very rich housewife married to a powerful, influential man. I ignore reality shows about the rich and famous, Jersey housewives or marrying a rich bachelor. Such things seem far removed from the life I lead as a member of the 99% population.
I also must add that I don’t envy the wealthy. Why? Because behind their monied facades must lie problems of which I have no conception. Perhaps the spoiled children are secretly on drugs. Perhaps the husband has multiple affairs which his miserable spouse must conceal lest she become the laughingstock of her neighbors. Maybe the husband has been embezzling funds from his company and now the feds have come down on him with a hammer.
But I didn’t think about the women being maltreated. These are women, no matter what their background, and that is enough of a commonality to invoke my attention. The doctor delves into the lives of these women (hiding behind fictional names) with an incisiveness that I’ve encountered in Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?. However, Bancroft dealt mainly with the lives of the men involved. Dr. Weitzman looks at both the men and the women who are bound together in matrimonial discord.
She focuses primarily on the women and covers the same ground that Bancroft does. She looks into why intelligent, well-read, talented women (who sometimes come from monied backgrounds of their own) would be attracted to an abuser. She lays out the warning signs of an abusive male. Some of her points differ from Bancroft’s but the outlook is very much the same.
She goes into greater detail about the psychotherapy required (she recommends it for the man and the woman, albeit not together initially). This is a reminder that she has an actual PhD while Bancroft is mainly a counselor without such a title. Unlike Bancroft, whose beleaguered women were mainly girlfriends, Dr. Weitzman dealt exclusively with married women, some with children that they sought to extricate from a marriage when they felt themselves in danger.
She lists resources across the United States that abused wives can turn to when the problems get too much. She lays down why some women prefer to call a divorce attorney rather than the police. (Once a man is arrested, his monetary assets may be seized or frozen, meaning the wife loses access to these funds. If they merely divorce, he may remain free to harass her, claim the children, use his money to employ better lawyers, etc. But, if the law prevails in her favor, she will gain alimony and child support payments.)
Her advice is sound and the language is clearly written. This is an astute book and a great resource for battered women, regardless of whether they are in a marriage or not. At the very least, it serves as a primer, as Bancroft’s does, for spotting the signs of an abusive male.
I also must add that I don’t envy the wealthy. Why? Because behind their monied facades must lie problems of which I have no conception. Perhaps the spoiled children are secretly on drugs. Perhaps the husband has multiple affairs which his miserable spouse must conceal lest she become the laughingstock of her neighbors. Maybe the husband has been embezzling funds from his company and now the feds have come down on him with a hammer.
But I didn’t think about the women being maltreated. These are women, no matter what their background, and that is enough of a commonality to invoke my attention. The doctor delves into the lives of these women (hiding behind fictional names) with an incisiveness that I’ve encountered in Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?. However, Bancroft dealt mainly with the lives of the men involved. Dr. Weitzman looks at both the men and the women who are bound together in matrimonial discord.
She focuses primarily on the women and covers the same ground that Bancroft does. She looks into why intelligent, well-read, talented women (who sometimes come from monied backgrounds of their own) would be attracted to an abuser. She lays out the warning signs of an abusive male. Some of her points differ from Bancroft’s but the outlook is very much the same.
She goes into greater detail about the psychotherapy required (she recommends it for the man and the woman, albeit not together initially). This is a reminder that she has an actual PhD while Bancroft is mainly a counselor without such a title. Unlike Bancroft, whose beleaguered women were mainly girlfriends, Dr. Weitzman dealt exclusively with married women, some with children that they sought to extricate from a marriage when they felt themselves in danger.
She lists resources across the United States that abused wives can turn to when the problems get too much. She lays down why some women prefer to call a divorce attorney rather than the police. (Once a man is arrested, his monetary assets may be seized or frozen, meaning the wife loses access to these funds. If they merely divorce, he may remain free to harass her, claim the children, use his money to employ better lawyers, etc. But, if the law prevails in her favor, she will gain alimony and child support payments.)
Her advice is sound and the language is clearly written. This is an astute book and a great resource for battered women, regardless of whether they are in a marriage or not. At the very least, it serves as a primer, as Bancroft’s does, for spotting the signs of an abusive male.
October 27, 2024
Three stars upfront because I’m so happy to see this problem being recognized; I was horrified when Kim Kardashian was tied up in her home and robbed, and so many people (at least around me) dismissed the incident due to her wealth. I’m convinced if it was not Kim Kardashian, the response would have been different. The first half (or so) of the book discusses this problem. The latter part of the book is a lot of speculation on why abusive men behave the way they do, and outside of some interesting stats, it’s not the writer’s forte, she works with abused women, not abusive men. I’d recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft who works with abusive men and has insight to that directly, if you wish to see some potential answers to that.
December 11, 2020
I am really thankful for this study and how it helped make sense of my parents' marriage. Even though we lived at/under the poverty level, the expectations for the family were that of the upper/upper-middle class, and the need to look and act The Perfect American Family put my experience at odds with more popular depictions of abuse in the home.
March 5, 2025
This book helped me realize that I am not alone. I loved all the facts and statistics. I am really glad I bought this book! Every counselor, therapist, police officer, judge and anyone else who may work with domestic abuse victims should read this book. We need everyone to be more knowledgeable about this kind of abuse so we as a society can put an end to it and not just be oblivious to it.
March 3, 2021
3.5 stars.
May 3, 2022
Very informative, filled with case studies and based on statistics, and research. You learn a lot from reading this book. Domestic Violence is an equal opportunity offender.
June 6, 2025
Baseless conjecture and outdated drivel
March 16, 2018
A highly relevant read whose literary quality deeply contrasts its tacky cover.
September 8, 2021
While I haven't read a lot on abused wives, I have read a lot on other kinds of abuse, and I suspect there are many commonalities. Abusers target different groups and employ different techniques, but when you get right down to it, abusers abuse, and all abuse is about making someone else pay the cost for your own pain, frustrations and failures. All abusers believe they have the right to use someone else against that person's will in order to advance their personal goals or to feel better about themselves or just to blow off steam.
This book is talking about a particular subset of abusers, but in doing so it has to grapple with what's common to all abusers. Abusers target people with less power than they have, but I do believe that how much power the abuser has does change things. While I have read a lot on child abuse, there isn't a lot on categorizing different kinds of abusers, but I think that Steven N. Gold recognized a legit difference between two types that I call the chaotic versus the controlled.
Chaotic abusers are the ones that are more commonly recognized: they may or may not be drug addicts of one kind or another, but they are people who pretty clearly don't cope well with the real world and generally have problems on multiple levels. While social workers will often label them victims right along with the children they abuse, those same social workers do recognize the abuse because it fits the more classic mold and because the abuser is more out of control in general. The abusers can manipulate the system and charm social workers and keep their kids that way, but it's likely that they're recognized as actual abusers and they aren't as rabid about keeping the illusion going that they're not. They will quickly play the victim instead.
Controlled abusers can much more easily throw off an accusation of child abuse, because they are much more successful in general and have more resources, meaning they are less likely to be reported and are more able to convince social workers nothing bad is going on. All abusers want control over those they abuse, but the controlled abusers control themselves better and may hold down a good job and are generally better behaved in public and with others than the chaotic abusers, meaning they can get away with it a lot longer.
It seems to me that some of the abusers described in Not to People Like Us are of the controlled type, where it's harder for outsiders to believe that abuse is going on or that it's very extreme, and also in that the kind of abuse the abuser indulges in can be both more subtle and invisible, and yet can become astonishingly blatant, and they get away with it. The controlled type abuser is extremely concerned with giving off an image of perfection to outsiders, and will punish potential exposure, or an error leading to it, more harshly than some forms of disobedience.
The author touches on this when she discusses how abused women in poorer environments can often find some solace in connecting with other women who've been abused, but that women in the upper classes struggle to recognize the abuse even to themselves, much less admit it to anyone else. That, to me, is the foundational difference between chaotic and controlled abusers, and it was intriguing to see someone else discuss it.
This book is talking about a particular subset of abusers, but in doing so it has to grapple with what's common to all abusers. Abusers target people with less power than they have, but I do believe that how much power the abuser has does change things. While I have read a lot on child abuse, there isn't a lot on categorizing different kinds of abusers, but I think that Steven N. Gold recognized a legit difference between two types that I call the chaotic versus the controlled.
Chaotic abusers are the ones that are more commonly recognized: they may or may not be drug addicts of one kind or another, but they are people who pretty clearly don't cope well with the real world and generally have problems on multiple levels. While social workers will often label them victims right along with the children they abuse, those same social workers do recognize the abuse because it fits the more classic mold and because the abuser is more out of control in general. The abusers can manipulate the system and charm social workers and keep their kids that way, but it's likely that they're recognized as actual abusers and they aren't as rabid about keeping the illusion going that they're not. They will quickly play the victim instead.
Controlled abusers can much more easily throw off an accusation of child abuse, because they are much more successful in general and have more resources, meaning they are less likely to be reported and are more able to convince social workers nothing bad is going on. All abusers want control over those they abuse, but the controlled abusers control themselves better and may hold down a good job and are generally better behaved in public and with others than the chaotic abusers, meaning they can get away with it a lot longer.
It seems to me that some of the abusers described in Not to People Like Us are of the controlled type, where it's harder for outsiders to believe that abuse is going on or that it's very extreme, and also in that the kind of abuse the abuser indulges in can be both more subtle and invisible, and yet can become astonishingly blatant, and they get away with it. The controlled type abuser is extremely concerned with giving off an image of perfection to outsiders, and will punish potential exposure, or an error leading to it, more harshly than some forms of disobedience.
The author touches on this when she discusses how abused women in poorer environments can often find some solace in connecting with other women who've been abused, but that women in the upper classes struggle to recognize the abuse even to themselves, much less admit it to anyone else. That, to me, is the foundational difference between chaotic and controlled abusers, and it was intriguing to see someone else discuss it.
February 18, 2016
I was turned on to this book from The Husband's Secret and, though it was an interesting read, it was much more clinical than I anticipated. Clinical meaning this seems like an excellent resource if you're a therapist but otherwise it's a lot of skimming over minute facts and report findings.
In all, there were some fascinating facts about children from abusive marriages, a list of common traits in the abuser AND the abused, and would be a good resource if you're concerned about a)yourself or b)someone close to you. Otherwise it's very frustrating to read about how rich men tend to get away with beating their wives and children because they have money. *sigh*
In all, there were some fascinating facts about children from abusive marriages, a list of common traits in the abuser AND the abused, and would be a good resource if you're concerned about a)yourself or b)someone close to you. Otherwise it's very frustrating to read about how rich men tend to get away with beating their wives and children because they have money. *sigh*
June 11, 2012
I just happened to pick this book up over the weekend and could not put it down. My sister-in-law has to read it for one of her psychology classes and it is utterly fascinating. The author has interviewed numerous "upscale women" who are women that are educated with college degrees, have their own job and financial security but yet are involved in abusive relationships and can't or won't get out. The stories that are told are heartbreaking and I don't understand the logic these women think but I so intrigued I had to finish the book tonight.
January 12, 2015
Domestic abuse shelters would not be a good fit for a woman from an upscale marriage. Even the size of her house is a barrier to anyone knowing how she is abused. The privileges her children enjoy (music lessons, etc) deter her from leaving. Mainly, her destroyed sense of self worth -- even if she is a professional in the corporate world -- keeps her from leaving. She can't talk to anyone, since her women friends are married to her husband's co-workers. From the outside, her marriage looks idyllic. She may dress to conceal the bruises....
April 27, 2007
The title says it all. Well researched and wonderful case-studies. Abuse happens in across all classes, but it can be harder for those who can't talk about it.
November 13, 2011
Horrific.
Read
September 18, 2018Good.
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