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The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to Gain Freedom from People Pleasing and Approval Seeking
Do you have a hard time saying no to others, no matter how outrageous their requests? If so, you might be a chronic people-pleaser. Unfortunately, because we live in a society that praises putting the needs of others before ourselves, it can be difficult to break this bad habit. And while thinking of others is always commendable, there is a fine line between sacrifice and senseless approval seeking.
In The Need to Please, a leading mindfulness expert and psychotherapist provides compassionate, mindfulness-based techniques that will help chronic people-pleasers like you address and overcome your fears of failure, inappropriate self-sacrificing, loss of personal identity, and voracious need of approval. In addition, you will learn to put an end to the codependent behaviors that lie at the heart of being a people-pleaser.
Change is hard—especially when it means going against years of social conditioning. But if you’re ready to "Just Say No," to others’ demands and start saying, "Yes" to your own needs, this book can help.
You can find out more about these mindfulness techniques at www.livingmindfully.org.
In The Need to Please, a leading mindfulness expert and psychotherapist provides compassionate, mindfulness-based techniques that will help chronic people-pleasers like you address and overcome your fears of failure, inappropriate self-sacrificing, loss of personal identity, and voracious need of approval. In addition, you will learn to put an end to the codependent behaviors that lie at the heart of being a people-pleaser.
Change is hard—especially when it means going against years of social conditioning. But if you’re ready to "Just Say No," to others’ demands and start saying, "Yes" to your own needs, this book can help.
You can find out more about these mindfulness techniques at www.livingmindfully.org.
200 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2013
50 people are currently reading
741 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
July 5, 2014
This book already saved me from making a really big mistake
What an inspired book for such a widespread malady! Amid the flood of mindfulness books about anxiety, depression, addiction, pain, illness and stress, Micki’s little book on the chronic need to please is a welcome shift in the field of awareness. Despite my efforts over the years to apply mindfulness to the full range of moods and mind states, I’m not sure I ever would have noticed my entrenched need to please. It was that unconscious.
And not long ago, the book actually saved me from making a really big mistake—ironically as a volunteer in an organization dedicated to mindfulness!
Over the past year, I had become more actively involved with the service committee of a local insight meditation community. When the community’s retreat manager retired, David, the lead teacher, called to ask if I would be willing to take over the job. He cited a number of reasons he felt I might be the right person and, I confess, I was flattered. Without allowing myself the requisite space and time to sit with the request, I agreed. On the spot. Setting down the phone, however, a noticed an uneasy feeling in my gut. But, alas, I ignored it.
You should know, by the way, that Micki’s book does a terrific job of situating the need to please not just in the mind and in our thoughts, but in the body, which can be quite an astute teacher. If we’re listening.
One day, not long after I had agreed to take the job, I walked past a stack of books by the bed. And there was The Need to Please, staring up at me, almost waving its arms, trying to get my attention. I stared back, suddenly aware of what had been going on in my queasy gut. Aack, I thought, I did it again! I mindlessly agreed to something I don’t really want to do, just to please the teacher! Taking on this responsibility would cost me, not only a lot of time, but also a certain loss of income because I’m self-employed. So I opened Micki’s book, paged through the exercises and ideas, and found the conviction I needed to call up David and back out of my ill-considered decision as gracefully as possible. When I hung up, the relief was palpable.
The book is filled with mindfulness practices that apply not only to the need to please, but the whole constellation of thoughts, moods, and sensations that surround it—including the inevitable embarrassment and self-judgment that arise when we awaken to our need to please. Micki extends a warm hand, and says: Go easy on yourself. It’s not your fault. It is, however, your choice.
Let me add a few words about this idea that the need to please is not your fault. Micki situates the origin of this need—which in some of us can become chronic and maladaptive—in a seemingly universal childhood wound, which leaves us feeling unworthy of love. This part of the book is worth spending some time on, and she provides gentle guidance here.
However, it occurs to me that the need to please is, in fact, an evolutionary adaptation. What I mean is that research in the remarkable working of the human brain indicates that we have evolved an array of social capacities that have ensured our survival. We are, indeed, among the most social species on earth (ants and bees are perhaps more social, but few other mammals are nearly as hypersocial as we are, which is why we have dominated the earth).
We simply cannot survive alone. It’s not surprising, therefore, that we are actually “wired” to please others, as part of our amazing capacity to “fit” into the needs and goals of some larger tribe, which helps keep us alive. In hunter-gatherer societies, those who go their own way, who do not concern themselves with the thoughts and opinions of others, simply don’t last. And this is how all humans lived for hundreds of thousands of years before modern psychology came along and suggested that perhaps our individual childhood experiences are the dominant source of our woes. If, therefore, evolution has some played some role in my need to please, wouldn’t awareness of this allow me to relax my self-judgment and accept that it’s not just some personal flaw?
What’s more, this feeling of unworthiness is part of the cultural air we breathe in the West, because of the pervasive belief in “original sin” that came with our religious heritage—even if we ourselves have shucked that particular belief. It still surrounds us. This, too, makes me feel flawed and unlovable. Again, however, it’s not my fault. Not even my parents’ fault. It’s a cultural phenomenon. Mindfulness can help me expand the field of awareness beyond the self or even the nuclear family, and see the larger sources of my need to please.
One more thing. In the interests of full disclosure, I must confess: I’m writing this review at least partly to please Micki.
The truth is, I feel terribly grateful to her. Micki was the one who first introduced me to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program way back in the early 90s, which later became pivotal in my learning to live with chronic pain. I’m not sure she even knows this. What’s more, when I published my book, The Secret Sorrow (2010), in which mindfulness played an enormous role in my ability to work through a huge existential loss, Micki graciously wrote an endorsement for me. So when I heard she had published a mindfulness book of her own, I felt compelled to write a review in return. How embarrassing.
But just to prove I haven’t succumbed entirely to the need to please, let me tell you one thing I really did not like about the book: the cover. It shows a woman wearing a pink dress. Egads, I wish New Harbinger hadn’t chosen this image. It seems to assume the reader is a woman, perhaps even a stereotypical woman (why else choose pink, rather than blue or green, or for that matter, jeans?) Perhaps for marketing purposes, it’s best to target women, who are, after all, more likely on a purely statistical basis to buy a self-help book. But it leaves entirely the wrong impression, namely that the need to please is a woman’s problem. It’s not. It’s a human problem. It’s my problem. Perhaps more emotionally sensitive men suffer the most from it, but I’m sure lots of men, even stereotypically men, suffer from it. Unfortunately, they might never buy the book, just because of the cover.
Nevertheless, you really can’t judge a book by its cover. So if you’re a chronic pleaser, man or woman, and it’s causing you to suffer, buy this book and work your way through it mindfully. Not only will you be glad you did. You’ll be chronically pleased for years to come.
What an inspired book for such a widespread malady! Amid the flood of mindfulness books about anxiety, depression, addiction, pain, illness and stress, Micki’s little book on the chronic need to please is a welcome shift in the field of awareness. Despite my efforts over the years to apply mindfulness to the full range of moods and mind states, I’m not sure I ever would have noticed my entrenched need to please. It was that unconscious.
And not long ago, the book actually saved me from making a really big mistake—ironically as a volunteer in an organization dedicated to mindfulness!
Over the past year, I had become more actively involved with the service committee of a local insight meditation community. When the community’s retreat manager retired, David, the lead teacher, called to ask if I would be willing to take over the job. He cited a number of reasons he felt I might be the right person and, I confess, I was flattered. Without allowing myself the requisite space and time to sit with the request, I agreed. On the spot. Setting down the phone, however, a noticed an uneasy feeling in my gut. But, alas, I ignored it.
You should know, by the way, that Micki’s book does a terrific job of situating the need to please not just in the mind and in our thoughts, but in the body, which can be quite an astute teacher. If we’re listening.
One day, not long after I had agreed to take the job, I walked past a stack of books by the bed. And there was The Need to Please, staring up at me, almost waving its arms, trying to get my attention. I stared back, suddenly aware of what had been going on in my queasy gut. Aack, I thought, I did it again! I mindlessly agreed to something I don’t really want to do, just to please the teacher! Taking on this responsibility would cost me, not only a lot of time, but also a certain loss of income because I’m self-employed. So I opened Micki’s book, paged through the exercises and ideas, and found the conviction I needed to call up David and back out of my ill-considered decision as gracefully as possible. When I hung up, the relief was palpable.
The book is filled with mindfulness practices that apply not only to the need to please, but the whole constellation of thoughts, moods, and sensations that surround it—including the inevitable embarrassment and self-judgment that arise when we awaken to our need to please. Micki extends a warm hand, and says: Go easy on yourself. It’s not your fault. It is, however, your choice.
Let me add a few words about this idea that the need to please is not your fault. Micki situates the origin of this need—which in some of us can become chronic and maladaptive—in a seemingly universal childhood wound, which leaves us feeling unworthy of love. This part of the book is worth spending some time on, and she provides gentle guidance here.
However, it occurs to me that the need to please is, in fact, an evolutionary adaptation. What I mean is that research in the remarkable working of the human brain indicates that we have evolved an array of social capacities that have ensured our survival. We are, indeed, among the most social species on earth (ants and bees are perhaps more social, but few other mammals are nearly as hypersocial as we are, which is why we have dominated the earth).
We simply cannot survive alone. It’s not surprising, therefore, that we are actually “wired” to please others, as part of our amazing capacity to “fit” into the needs and goals of some larger tribe, which helps keep us alive. In hunter-gatherer societies, those who go their own way, who do not concern themselves with the thoughts and opinions of others, simply don’t last. And this is how all humans lived for hundreds of thousands of years before modern psychology came along and suggested that perhaps our individual childhood experiences are the dominant source of our woes. If, therefore, evolution has some played some role in my need to please, wouldn’t awareness of this allow me to relax my self-judgment and accept that it’s not just some personal flaw?
What’s more, this feeling of unworthiness is part of the cultural air we breathe in the West, because of the pervasive belief in “original sin” that came with our religious heritage—even if we ourselves have shucked that particular belief. It still surrounds us. This, too, makes me feel flawed and unlovable. Again, however, it’s not my fault. Not even my parents’ fault. It’s a cultural phenomenon. Mindfulness can help me expand the field of awareness beyond the self or even the nuclear family, and see the larger sources of my need to please.
One more thing. In the interests of full disclosure, I must confess: I’m writing this review at least partly to please Micki.
The truth is, I feel terribly grateful to her. Micki was the one who first introduced me to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program way back in the early 90s, which later became pivotal in my learning to live with chronic pain. I’m not sure she even knows this. What’s more, when I published my book, The Secret Sorrow (2010), in which mindfulness played an enormous role in my ability to work through a huge existential loss, Micki graciously wrote an endorsement for me. So when I heard she had published a mindfulness book of her own, I felt compelled to write a review in return. How embarrassing.
But just to prove I haven’t succumbed entirely to the need to please, let me tell you one thing I really did not like about the book: the cover. It shows a woman wearing a pink dress. Egads, I wish New Harbinger hadn’t chosen this image. It seems to assume the reader is a woman, perhaps even a stereotypical woman (why else choose pink, rather than blue or green, or for that matter, jeans?) Perhaps for marketing purposes, it’s best to target women, who are, after all, more likely on a purely statistical basis to buy a self-help book. But it leaves entirely the wrong impression, namely that the need to please is a woman’s problem. It’s not. It’s a human problem. It’s my problem. Perhaps more emotionally sensitive men suffer the most from it, but I’m sure lots of men, even stereotypically men, suffer from it. Unfortunately, they might never buy the book, just because of the cover.
Nevertheless, you really can’t judge a book by its cover. So if you’re a chronic pleaser, man or woman, and it’s causing you to suffer, buy this book and work your way through it mindfully. Not only will you be glad you did. You’ll be chronically pleased for years to come.
August 4, 2015
Hacía tiempo que me habían recomendado los libros de Mindfulness pero no había tenido la oportunidad de leer uno, hasta ahora y la verdad es que la experiencia ha sido muy reveladora.
Una de las cosas que nos puede dejar muy frustrados y que además es algo que solemos hacer comúnmente, es decir sí a cosas que preferiríamos negarnos. Desde cosas tan sencillas hasta cosas que pueden acarrearnos más problemas en nuestra vida cotidiana y dejarnos con una profunda ansiedad. Esa necesidad de complacer a los demás puede venir de múltiples factores y en este libro se nos abre la venda de los ojos, se nos muestran esas situaciones para que en la medida en que uno los haga conscientes, los pueda sanar también.
A lo largo de este libro iremos descubriendo situaciones cotidianas que parecen tan ligeras pero que encierran esa necesidad por quedar bien con los demás, aunque por dentro nos esté matando esa decisión o que nos siga molestando en un futuro, porque eso se vuelve como una bola de nieve que no hace más que crecer y crecer si no la trabajamos a tiempo. Entonces, en la medida en que nos vamos identificando con esos escenarios podemos ver las técnicas que nos permitirán ser más conscientes de nuestros pensamientos y enfocarnos en el aquí y ahora, en el momento que estamos viviendo y lo que en realidad quiere nuestro propio ser.
El mindfulness no es una técnica que se domine de la noche a la mañana, sin embargo, este libro es una herramienta básica para poder trabajar con esa iniciación a la par que vamos descubriendo formas de ser más asertivos con nuestras decisiones y actos del día a día.
Sin duda alguna si se sienten identificados con esa necesidad crónica de buscar la aprobación ajena que lejos de beneficiar, perjudica, este libro es el manual perfecto para ustedes. Ya verán que esa necesidad no es culpa de uno mismo, sino que ha sido creada desde la misma enseñanza pero que hay formas de sanarla y de vivir de manera más satisfactoria el resto de nuestros días.
This review was originally posted on Book's Minion
December 17, 2014
I got about 2/3 of the way through this book and then stopped reading it. The beginning of the book was very informative and I had a lot of helpful "Ah Ha!" moments. Once I understood the pattern of pleasing and how to detect it in myself, I found the book repetitive. The author refers to a lot of books by other well-known authors (such as Tara Brach). I decided to go straight to those books the author refers to and dive deeper into loving-kindness practice instead of simply reading this author's summary. If you would prefer summaries of what other authors have written on the topic and many simple and clear exercises, then this is the book for you! If you want a more in-depth guide, then you could view this book as a reference book that could lead you in that direction. I chose for the latter route.
August 5, 2016
We all desire meaningful connections and learn that doing things to please others is a natural part. I never challenged this idea until I read Micki Fines’ book. Like other basic needs, she explains how needing to please others, in excess and at the expense of our own well-being, brings more suffering and never accomplishes what we think it will. It just leads to impossible cycles of striving to please, inevitable failure, self-flagellation, and more striving. Her case studies, gathered from her therapy practice and retreats, are diverse enough that all readers can identify with a few similar trend in their own lives and see how others have overcome them. Her numerous exercises in practicing mindfulness and reflecting on how the examples pertain to the reader, give each person the tools to find their own way to freedom. Anyone who has ever felt they must earn someone’s love or that they are never good enough, should read this book, not once, but many times until they are truly free.
by M. Davis, Houston, TX.
by M. Davis, Houston, TX.
January 20, 2026
Leer este libro fue como un balde de agua fría, pero al mismo tiempo reconfortante. En muchos momentos, cuando daban ejemplos, me sentí identificada y escuchada. Al principio pensé que no iba a ser de gran ayuda, porque su mayor enfoque es el mindfulness, algo que se me hace muy difícil (suelo disociarme rápido y me aburro con facilidad) Sin embargo, la semana pasada tuve una conversación seria con mis amigas en la que surgieron temas sensibles que también aparecen en el libro. En ese momento hice una pausa y todo lo que había leído volvió a mi mente, ayudándome a darme cuenta de muchas cosas en mi vida y a tomar una mejor decisión.
Leer este tipo de libros no es algo que disfrute particularmente, pero logré terminarlo en poco tiempo, así que points for that🙏🏽
Leer este tipo de libros no es algo que disfrute particularmente, pero logré terminarlo en poco tiempo, así que points for that🙏🏽
August 31, 2020
No es el mejor libro para alguien que empieza a meditar porque no te enseña ideas básicas, los presupone. Su redacción es un poco empalagosa. Sin embargo, si dejas eso de un lado, da muy buenas técnicas e ideas para tratar la búsqueda de aprobación crónica. Lo recomiendo al mismo tiempo que puedas pasar en otro lado clases de meditación. Los audios de meditación del libro sólo estan en inglés aunque, para alguien con conocimientos básicos en meditación, no es necesario porqué te da las guías en escrito para practicar.
September 29, 2022
مجرد مجموعة طرق للتأمل معروضة بطريقة مملة
كتاب غير مفيد، و العنوان غير مناسب و غير مطابق للمحتوى
كتاب غير مفيد، و العنوان غير مناسب و غير مطابق للمحتوى
February 9, 2025
تعلمت الكثير عن نفسي , كتاب رائع ومفيد .
December 25, 2013
Excellent book - Great insights into people pleasing - Clear and effective instructions for mindfulness practice
This book is a wonderful combination of many things:
1. Provides an understanding of why people have the need to please and how it can harm them
2. Provides concrete approaches to dealing with a people pleasing problem.
-- Tips on how to communicate compassionately and effectively articulate your concerns
-- How to maintain a strong sense of self worth and increase your confidence
-- How to develop an awareness practice that empowers you to maintain a sense of peace when you need it most.
3. Provides many excellent examples of why people get in the situation, their normal responses and the approaches that they can used to free themselves from earlier destructive patterns.
All of the techniques used are explained in detail and the sources for these techniques are well documented. It is based upon the latest evidence based cognitive therapies.
The books is also a succinct and clear road map for a mindfulness practice that would be an excellent guide even for those who are not hampered by people pleasing.
I would highly recommend this book!
This book is a wonderful combination of many things:
1. Provides an understanding of why people have the need to please and how it can harm them
2. Provides concrete approaches to dealing with a people pleasing problem.
-- Tips on how to communicate compassionately and effectively articulate your concerns
-- How to maintain a strong sense of self worth and increase your confidence
-- How to develop an awareness practice that empowers you to maintain a sense of peace when you need it most.
3. Provides many excellent examples of why people get in the situation, their normal responses and the approaches that they can used to free themselves from earlier destructive patterns.
All of the techniques used are explained in detail and the sources for these techniques are well documented. It is based upon the latest evidence based cognitive therapies.
The books is also a succinct and clear road map for a mindfulness practice that would be an excellent guide even for those who are not hampered by people pleasing.
I would highly recommend this book!
January 7, 2014
If you take a look at the chapter titles, you will be drawn into this book: Connecting With Your Inner Loveliness; Befriending Your Emotions; Self-Compassion, Living with Intention, Heart and Meaning. Fine knows the territory of "Hello, my name is Micki. What can I do to please you?" In this culture we are trained from the start to be hypervigilant in our care for others and their wants and needs. When we get really good at shifting ourselves out of shape for others, some would pathologize our behaviors with labels like "co-dependent." There is no judgment in this book. There is only a practical, meaningful mindful path out of what can be a very painful form of human suffering. Fine is filled with compassion and will help you come to find compassion for yourself too.
Susan Lebel Young, MSED, MSC, www.heartnourishment.com
Susan Lebel Young, MSED, MSC, www.heartnourishment.com
September 30, 2013
Full Disclosure: Book was won through First Reads Giveaways.
This book is very readable and accessible. The writing is formatted so that you can quickly read each section. It is also handy if you need to quickly refer back to a particular section. This is by no means comprehensive but more of a kickstart self-help book. The philosophy and main focus is mediation and mindfulness while describing everything in layman's terms as well as applied to everyday scenarios.
If you are not receptive to the concept, then this book will not be helpful to you. However, if you are looking for a starting point to calm your self-doubt and criticism through mediative methods, this might be a good start for you.
This book is very readable and accessible. The writing is formatted so that you can quickly read each section. It is also handy if you need to quickly refer back to a particular section. This is by no means comprehensive but more of a kickstart self-help book. The philosophy and main focus is mediation and mindfulness while describing everything in layman's terms as well as applied to everyday scenarios.
If you are not receptive to the concept, then this book will not be helpful to you. However, if you are looking for a starting point to calm your self-doubt and criticism through mediative methods, this might be a good start for you.
January 2, 2014
Everyone will benefit from this clear and practical book. Whether we identify in small or large ways, the need to please is integral to human connectedness. Finding the line between caring for others and caring for our own needs takes insight and self awareness. In this book, Fine shares her therapeutic understanding of unhealthy people pleasing thoughts, emotions and behaviors; and also offers mindfulness practices that cultivate the strength and insight needed to change. Fine's warmth and wisdom shine through her words and self compassion is deeply woven throughout this book and the mindfulness practices described.
August 25, 2016
I think all people are "people pleasers" in certain situations and/or certain time periods in their life. For that reason I found this book very informative and helpful.
I also really enjoyed the mindfulness aspect of "The need to Please". This book is a great introduction to mindfulness meditation and helpful in starting your own mindfulness practice. Fine gives numerous mindfulness exercises to try out and explains them well.
Fine's writing style and advice is very kind and accepting. She doesn't preach or lecture. I suppose she is treating the reader as she hopes they will learn to treat themselves.
Overall a great book, I learned a lot!
I also really enjoyed the mindfulness aspect of "The need to Please". This book is a great introduction to mindfulness meditation and helpful in starting your own mindfulness practice. Fine gives numerous mindfulness exercises to try out and explains them well.
Fine's writing style and advice is very kind and accepting. She doesn't preach or lecture. I suppose she is treating the reader as she hopes they will learn to treat themselves.
Overall a great book, I learned a lot!
October 9, 2014
Mindfulness is a practice I am completely new to. You don't have to a be a people pleaser to gain something from this book. From what I learned, "mindfulness" seems like a combination of mediation, letting go of self judgement and taking time to care for yourself. It teaches that slowing down instead of reacting will keep your head out of water. The book provides lots of simple mediative exercises that are more than just sitting with your legs crossed in a quiet room. I think this book does a good job of informing without promising a big secret formula that will solve everything. I would definetly be interested in reading more books about mindfulness thanks to Micki!
Read
November 3, 2013I don't usually read self-help books, but this one was actually helpful in some ways. I do wish it had talked more about people pleasing in professional relationships. I think the dynamics in professional situations are different and the stakes are sometimes higher. Still, this book does provide useful solutions for thinking about why some people have an insatiable need for approval. I'm regrettably one of them.
June 23, 2014
This book exposes the destructive habit so many of us have of needing to be a people pleaser, which typically does not improve the life of those you are trying to please or yourself. It is destructive. I enjoyed receiving concrete, real world ways to live a mindful life. Definitely a well written book that has had a positive influence on my life.
August 24, 2014
I have come across this "mindfulness" concept more and more in the pop psychology genre. It actually is pretty relevant, though. We spend a lot of time worried about silly things and lose the opportunity to be IN the moment. I liked her set up, her case reports, and her exercises to stop being a chronic people pleaser and find out who YOU are.
September 24, 2013
This book covers it all. It talks about how you became a people pleaser and why it happens, the now of it and exploration of being one in different relationships, and how to change it. It really is like a workbook and I would recommend for those it applies to.
Want to read
September 25, 2013Just received this in the mail from a Goodreads First Reads giveaway! I'm looking forward to reading it!
November 19, 2013
Not bad! Some great points and great tools, but I found some of it repetitive at times. Although I suppose for a book like this that can benefit some readers who many need to hear it more than once!
July 19, 2014
Chock full of very practical exercises for mindfully exploring and releasing the compulsive need to please. Take it slowly, more workbook than inspirational, feel-good stories.
August 30, 2016
Great exercises (although there are a lot) which remind me a lot of a great meditation book series I took recently.
May 28, 2019
Inspirant!
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews