How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends

by Don Gabor, Mary Power (Illustrator)

An updated edition of the classic guide to the art of conversation describes how to begin and guide a conversation, avoid common conversation problems, improve listening skills, remember names, and understand body language. Original.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Communication, Psychology, Business, Social, Relationships

208 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1983

Reviews

[Sedona · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a short book but is packed with useful information. If you are shy, or just not comfortable with socializing, the techniques and information in 'How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends' will give you confidence and specific tools to start and/or maintain a conversation in any situation. The author discusses the importance of body language and gives specific examples for meeting and talking with people that anyone can use right away. The best part of this book goes into learning how to remember names with techniques that really work. As the cover of this book states, after reading this book you will be able to "communicate with wit, confidence, and enthusiasm". All-in-all an excellent resource and quick read.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

Certainly the least useful book I've read in this vein. Didn't provide any real help, most of the information was painfully obvious and skirted any real issues. Often it seemed rather painfully aimed towards single men looking to make some strained contact with a woman they like.

More than that, I consider myself someone with fairly bad social issues - I have a mental illness. But this book is really for people who have absolutely no idea about propriety at all. Not for me!

[Haytham Badawey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is one of the best book is the field of conversation etiquette and skills. It has numerous idea, concepts, tips, and techniques. It answers pretty much all the questions that you'd like to know about conversation skills, tactics and strategies, from romance, to friendships, to business.

This book is similar to the bookHow to Win Friends and Influence People.

[Tamara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this book as an audio book and just recently finished it. It is a very short audiobook which was disappointing but if you are someone who struggles with conversation, I think it can provide some good tips on starting conversations and keeping them going. I tend to be an extrovert but enjoy reading these books to keep me in check and make sure I am not too outgoing. : )) In any case although it was short, I would recommend it to those that are wanting to be a bit more social and the ways to go about doing that.

[Matt Knerr · Rating 1 out of 5]

This cannot be a book

[sarah]

found this in my grandmas old closet. obsessed with the illustrations, they’re insane.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too much generalization, not enough specifics. I found maybe two or three things that would help, and simply the processing of breaking down conversations and analyzing the give and take will be helpful, but most of the book was not. The chapter on mobile phone etiquette was hilarious.

[Tamara · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a good book to help those that might not find it easy to be in social situations. I am an extrovert by nature and although there were a few things I took away from this book for me it was just ok.

[Mark Yashar · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the older 1983 edition of this book twice. A very short book and an easy read. Some helpful tips and
tricks on starting and keeping conversations going, etc.... but does it lead to friendships ? :-)

[Satya Shiv · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book to learn how to start making friends and get out of your comfortable zone .

[Rohin M · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a bad book at all, though I won’t really know how useful his advice is until I put into practice.

On his view there seem to be three main stages to structuring one’s social interactions: (in the context of a party) there’s the initial phase where you try to find someone receptive, and simultaneously try to make yourself maximally approachable; then there seems to be a second stage where you carry out a bit of small talk to get a sense of the person’s interest, wishes, desires, hopes, hobbies, goals and so on; and then I guess there’s a third stage, which one reaches after repeated interactions, in which one begins to probe (and be probed) a bit deeper: inner feelings and experiences have now been reached. I don’t particularly want to act as though there’s an algorithm for social interaction, but hopefully the general principles can help.

Hopefully can use these techniques at university. I’ll just have to see how I go, I guess.

[Emily Christian · Rating 2 out of 5]

So this book in my opinion was WAY boring. The author does tell you in the introduction to go through his chapter list and read the ones that you feel you lack in BUT even doing that I felt like it was not really helping. It got down to the basics so I guess if you are a real introvert than maybe this book could help you but it did me no good and I felt like I would fall asleep every second. It seemed to only hit the basic and didn’t give any real depth. I also felt like it was written for mainly men and how to help talk to women.

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Basic but useful tips on talking to people. 👍🏼

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the type of conversational/small talk book that I was looking for. It's very clear and concise and applicable to every type of social situation. The very end of the book has 60 tips, which I'm going to photocopy and start working on. One feature that I found particularly interesting was that there are 4 conversational styles and we can work on our weaknesses and develop our strengths for each style, and learn how to tell what style new acquaintances are so we can more effectively strike up a conversation.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

not too different from debora fine's "the fine art of small talk" - just a longer, little wordier presentation. this one had more on cross cultural interactions though and the dating portion was a little longer. fine's discussion on professional networking seemed more focused and detailed, this one had more of a generalist approach, even in the networking section, and used techniques that can be cross applied to other situations.

[S · Rating 3 out of 5]

An OK read - Gabor used too many generalizations. A few scenarios are given - mostly focusing on increasing one's social network in the business world and dating.

Points that stood out for me: Introducing yourself ASAP to avoid an uncomfortable silence, using acronyms to remember names in a group ( I am terrible when it comes to names) and indulging in pointless chit chat is essential to sustain future conversations.

[Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Words are an art of manipulation. This book reaffirms that. I enjoyed the inclusion of FDR's style of communication. Offer something to the other person and then eloquently ask for something from them.

[Mygsasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you want to read something about how to comunicate and some tips for this, this is your book.
It is an easy book to read.
I think it is for people who has problem to comunicate and are searching help to meet new people.

[Niecy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is so common sense, but for me it's a gem. I do not like talking to strangers, I'm terrible at it. This has given me pointers to be more conscientious of when networking and trying to make friends in my new city.

[Eve · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was OK. Although, I guess I didn't read the revised edition. The one I have is from 1983...just a tad outdated.

[iänỳ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick, easy read. Some good tips in here too. It is useful for those who really are socially awkward, extremely shy or just want an extra boost in the socializing department.

[Connie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really good book. Mostly common sense stuff, but it did make me think of ways to improve. very much worth the read.

[AJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a good start for ways to break the ice with other people. I would recommend it for those who are shy or not accustomed to having to start conversations.

[Esther · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sound advice, but advice too common for the book to be memorable.

[Mhmd Asa'ad ElGazzar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book with simple language and lots of Useful and practical information

[Della Tingle · Rating 3 out of 5]

In the spirit of gathering up my unread books and actually reading them, I came across this book. I have no idea where it came from or how long it has been in my possession, but I read it. So much of the information is common sense, but there is, certainly, something of use to everyone.

“The secret to starting conversations and making friends rests on four key principles: 1) Take the initiative and reach out to others; 2) Show genuine interest in people; 3) Treat others with respect and kindness; and 4) Value others and yourself as unique individuals who have much to share and offer one another” (from A Note from the Author).

Some of the suggestions are geeky sounding. Like going up to someone dancing and saying, “Excuse me, but you sure look great out there on the dance floor. Would you show me a few steps?” (34). I would never ask someone that, and I would run away from someone asking me that. This book was first written in 1983, so that is probably the reason for some of the outdated, even dorky conversation, in my opinion.

As a teacher, I use closed-ended (yes, no, short answer questions) and open-ended questions (longer responses required) regularly, but I like the reminder, “Closed-ended questions often begin with words like: Are? Do? Who? Where? and Which? Open-ended...questions commonly start with How? Why? In what way?” (44-45). What questions apply to both.

I really didn’t find anything on page 69 that I wanted to share other than the fact that I read my name there! Della is not a common name. I very, very rarely come across it. It is used in creating a letter chain: “Pamela, Harold, and Della = P-H-D” (69).

I love this quote from chapter 5 and am going to be sure to share it with my principal! “Be sincere; be brief; be seated. —Franklin D. Roosevelt” (97).

Pages 140-151 include, “What’s Your Conversation Style” to help determine if your style is candid, hang back, accurate, or talkative. Descriptions about questionnaire results/styles are included. This little quiz adds to reading interest.

Pages 163-167 include, “How Savvy Are You about the Customs of Other Cultures?” This quiz and information is actually quite interesting, and the Conversation Customs Chart on pages 168 and 169
notes the country, handshake/greeting, conversation style, eye contact, standing distance, and taboo actions/topics. The taboo actions/topics are incredibly interesting! Refusing food is a no-no in Greece! Who knew? Eating with left hand is wrong in the Middle East, and hand on hips is rude in the Philippines.

“Just because you have a mobile phone doesn’t mean that it’s okay to use it anywhere or anytime that you like” (174).

“Remember that in most situations, the people you are with take precedence over the people you want to call or those who call you on your mobile phone” (174). I think this includes texting, and I will be sharing this with my children! 😀

Chapter 15 on pages 197-199 is titled 50 Ways to Improve Your Conversations and it includes just that.

www.dongabor.com

[Dan Stern · Rating 3 out of 5]

. It can help people initiate friendships, but it does not direct one toward relational depth. This book can help folks make a number of casual friends but not necessarily close friends. For deeper communication, I suggest William Backus' book, "Telling Each Other the Truth," a volume that addresses matters like conflict resolution, honesty, etc. Gabor's book is not really intended to guide you into relational depth. It does a great job for its intent: helping you chat better and initiate the early stages of friendship. For some folks, their instincts may kick in at that point. Others will need to study further.
The other limitation of this book (and there is no way to avoid it) is that the directives can be overwhelming because of their sheer volume. My advice is to choose a few areas to work on. Once those practices are incorporated and become second nature, then it is time to add a few more. In a sense, the book is arranged in order of importance, with the early chapters being the most crucial to master. I recommend starting at the beginning.
In addition to Gabor's insights, I suggest hanging around and imitating those who seem to have it together in these departments. There is nothing quite like seeing conversation in action and then telling oneself to "go and do likewise." It may seem awkward at first, but, in time, it can become second nature. Some folks (who have difficulty choosing the right words) might even consider practicing a conversation in an empty room, almost memorizing a script.
On quotable section reads, "Most shy people take the passive role when it comes to starting conversation. They wait and wait and wait, hoping someone will come along and start a conversation with them..."
He emphasizes that communication consists mostly of body language, then tone or voice, and, lastly, words.
Here is some simplistic but crucial advice, "Use plenty of eye contact, smile, and, above all, keep your arms uncrossed and your hands away from your face."
The book consists of 15 chapters divided into 4 sections. The sections are: Starting Your Conversation with Confidence. Continuing Your Conversation with Wit and Charm, Ending Your Conversation with a Great Impression, and Boosting Your Conversation to the Next Level.
The last chapter lists his 50 main points, some of which include, "Be the first to say hello, Introduce yourself to others, Show others you are listening by restating their comments, and Beware of open and closed body language."
This book is not rocket science (though filled with details), but it is a good place to start. Although I consider myself strong in the conversation department, I admit that I did pick up a pointer or two. Go for it.

[S.J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5
Who I'd recommend this for: Autistic people struggling with the social basics. People who struggle with socialising and are looking for an "introduction to basic socialising" book.


Who I wouldn't recommend this for: People who are good at small talk. People looking for an intermediate to advanced social skills book or a book on navigating complex situations.


What I didn't like: I read the 2011 updated version, and parts of it seem like they're dated - either dated for 2011 or updated then but out of date currently. There's a discussion regarding the etiquette of cross-gender handshakes. The social media section talks about social media as it existed in 2011- while some of the advice holds true, there's lots of discussions about MySpace, Facebook as it existed then, and blogs/forums. There's a section about interacting cross-culturally and I do wonder how accurate some of the generalisations about taboo topics, eye contact, and handshakes are a decade and a half later.

What I did like: One of the negative reviews mentioned that this book seems to be very basic in terms of social skills. I agree, but I found that to be something I liked about this book. It's foundational and starts from the very basics. Short and easy to read, with each section a standalone. I recommend it as an introduction book. I found myself learning a lot, especially when it came to reading and projecting body language to signal interest/disinterest, the give and take of conversations, and "levels" of things that are shared. I liked the sections about dealing with awkward conversations and remembering names. Overall, I wish I had read this book 10+ years ago.

[Chris Jaffe · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's not a bad book, but it reads like a collection of lists - the sort of things you'd expect to find now from a series of buzzfeed articles. Sometimes the advice is nice - especially early on about starting/maintaining conversations - but even when it's decent advice, it's pretty thin reading. The latter parts of the book on making friends wasn't very good. It felt like 1 page of advice for every 10 pages of filler. The section of online contacts is pretty quickly dated, and the section on international contacts is also especially weak.

Some key advice: with conversations, do some advance work to help you feel more prepared. The longer who wait to introduce yourself in a huddle at a party, the more awkward it gets. Don't dwell on rejection when it happens. Be curious in others. As ritual questions to begin and listen for replies to find out the other person's "hot button" topics to get deeper involved. If it's a common area of interest, even better. Be willing to self-disclose, but don't over do it. Try to remember names. Say the person's name at the end of the conversation.

It's not a bad book, but it isn't much of a book.

[Meghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very easy to read book containing very basic, but helpful tips. I guess my handful of years of making myself attend networking meetings paid off because while reading this book, I realized just how much I've learned through my own trials and errors. I gained not only connections, but valuable people skills. Walking into large rooms full of successful and confident looking people, week after week, forced me to develop some strategies to leave these events having made valuable connections (and feeling more confident in myself).

So although I personally only learned a few new tricks from this book, I know that if I'd read it years ago, prior to knowing what I do now, then I would have found the advice invaluable! The tips for remembering names is incredibly helpful, as well as ice breakers for conversations. Upon reading this I was reminded that not necessarily everyone knows these things, hence why this book was written lol. Personally I was hoping to learn many new things, which I did not, but that doesn't mean this book can't help out tons of other people!