4 1/2 stars.
An emotional first person account about a teenage boy, Lucas, who suffers more loss in one tragic night, than most people would endure in a lifetime. The guilt consumes him, and even though he knows the rumors of intoxication are not true, he allows everyone to continue to believe otherwise. I felt that this was a way for him to punish himself, because their deaths did come at his hands, albeit indirectly. Even though it was an accident, he feels he was responsible and can’t forgive himself. Vivid is an understatement, when Lucas recounts every heartbreaking moment of that disastrous night in his mind. You hear, see, and feel everything as he did, when his life is changed forever. Extremely powerful and disturbing, so much so, that I still can’t get that image out of my head. This is where the true talent of this author lies. She paints a picture that is almost too real, too painful, and allows you to feel the characters emotions, and in this case it wasn’t pretty.
Lucas endures relentless abuse at the hands of his classmates, and some teachers, as they feel the need to make him suffer, believing all the rumors and gossip that continue to follow him to be true. It is his own personal living hell, and all I wanted to do was protect him and punish those that could be so cruel.
Enter Sawyer, new kid at school, who doesn’t have any preconceived notions about him, and chooses to befriend Lucas. She becomes his confidant, protector, and ultimately his lifeline, as she helps him to help himself. She has endured horrific life-altering events of her own, but they do not over shadow Lucas’ story, but are brought to the forefront at a key moment with an awe-inspiring outcome.
The hardest part for Lucas and very emotional for me, is his reluctance to let go of his friends. He dreams them back to life. They are so real to him and the reader…if only it could be so. You can feel the love and camaraderie that this group of friends has for each other. Especially profound are his stolen imagined moments with his girlfriend Lil; I can hardly type through my tears. To me, Lil, Sammy and Darren were angels sent to comfort Lucas, until he was ready to move on with his life.
Not only is this a tragic story, but it’s also a love story. Lucas has so many people that love him, but at times he can’t see past his own guilt to realize how many people care for him. His biggest supporter and the one who believes he can overcome this adversity is Sawyer, and for one so young, she is so wise. She brings him back to the living, and in that moment I could barely breathe!
Although I loved this book, and enjoy the author’s style of writing, I did have a few issues, one being the length. I wouldn’t take away too much, because even though it is long, most of what is written is essential to the account of events. There is a small side story with Lucas’ mother that didn’t quite fit in for me and the book would have not lost any of its impact without it. Also one or two sex scenes that I’m on the fence about, I might have to read it again to see how relevant they really were. One that I initially thought to be too much, in retrospect I think it is necessary, as it touches on a level of love that can’t be portrayed without it…in my eyes anyway.
This is not an easy book to read and had me thinking long and hard about events in my own life. I thought about how I would feel as a teenager had my friends been taken from me, which I actually did experience. As a mother who loses a child, and a mother of one who survives. As a sibling that is now alone. But mostly, I thought about how I would feel if someone who I loved lost their life, because I had a hand in it, even if it was an accident. Would I ever be able to forgive someone or myself...I don’t know.
“There but for the grace of God, go I”. Maybe that’s my answer.