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Teach Me How to Forgive You? 【new and Updated Version】
We don't have to take responsibility for the hurt we have suffered, but whether we want to get out of it or not depends on each of us being hurt and hurting others. Holding a grudge is painful, and we all hesitate to forgive. But the anger has not dissipated, how can we talk about forgiveness lightly? The author of this book, Dr. Spring, is a psychologist specializing in the topic of forgiveness. She has forty-three years of experience as a therapist. She explores people's assumptions and myths about "forgiveness" and advocates that "it's okay if you don't forgive." If you don't want to live in a cage of hatred, she offers a better option in the spirit of cognitive behavioral "Accept as it is."
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First published February 3, 2004
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August 17, 2010
Absolutely wonderful. I'd recommend this to anyone who is human. (Yes, that would be to everyone.) Chock full of wonderful information, poignant case-in-points, and the appendix is an excellent resource all on its own.
- - -
Excerpts...
Cheap Forgiveness is a quick and easy pardon with no processing of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury. It's a compulsive, unconditional, unilateral attempt at peacemaking for which you ask nothing in return. ...
Cheap Forgiveness is dysfunctional because it creates an illusion of closeness when nothing has been faced or resolved, and the offender has done nothing to earn it. Silencing your anguish and indignation, you fail to acknowledge or appreciate the harm that was done to you.
page 15
What makes it nearly impossible for some peacekeepers to speak up is their uncertainty about whether a violation actually took place. Children of alcoholics and victims of physical or sexual abuse in particular often grow up in a world that tries to convince them that the injury never happened. ... Victims whose recollections are questioned often spend their lives doubting the truth of their own experiences - pretending they were never hurt and learning not to trust their own intuition of their own version of reality. This reaction can be as damaging as the violation itself.
page 30
Refusing to Forgive may isolate you not just from the person who hurt you but from those who have done you no harm. Mistrust is like blood seeping from a wound, staining everything it touches. Morbidly absorbed in the injury, you may push everyone away, even those who care for you and want to help you heal. Unable to open up to them, or even admit that you welcome their support, you're likely to stand firm but alone.
page 48
With Acceptance, you appreciate the magnitude of the wrong that was done to you and give full voice to the violation. You refuse to let go of your grievance until you've grasped its meaning and understood its effect on you. You may need to replay the injury again and again until the whole truth sinks in.
page 56
It helps to create a place within you where your emotions are safe - an empathic, holding environment where you do not judge, deny, or dismiss whatever is going on inside you. Once you acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to have them, you can begin to normalize them. All your life you may have been taught that emotions are dangerous, a sign of weakness. You may have learned to cut yourself off from them. But now you need to embrace them, secure in the knowledge that when someone violates you, you are not crazy or alone in responding with intense, even conflicting emotions.
page 57
As you trace the offender's story and see how he was damaged, and how he subjected you to the same abuse or neglect he may have experienced himself, you begin to understand why he acted the way he did. You realize that he was born with a deck of cards, that over time he was dealt a few more, and that today he is playing out his hand with you. If you weren't there, he might be playing the same hand with someone else. The more you know about him as a person distinct from you, the less likely you are to take his behavior personally. And the less personally you take his behavior, the less likely you are to experience shame.
Shame comes when you think that his behavior is about you - about your unworthiness, your defectiveness, your unlovability. Shame lifts when you realize that his behavior is about him - his innate disposition, his traumatic experiences, his responses to life's stress. You may not have access to this information about him, but in order for you to fight shame, it helps to come up with some hypotheses.
page 68
You may ask, "Why should I forgive myself? I did nothing wrong. It was the offender who violated me." But the issue here is not how you wronged him. It's how you may have allowed him to hurt you.
How did you do this? What do you need to forgive yourself for? In "After the Affair," I list a number of injuries that pertain to infidelity, including:
- trusting blindly, and ignoring your suspicions;
- having such a stunted view of yourself that you feel unentitled to loyalty or love; and
- making unfair comparisons by idealizing the lover and degrading yourself.
You may also want to forgive yourself for such self-effacing, self-destructive behaviors as:
- dismissing your suffering and failing to appreciate how deeply you've been wounded;
- believing you got what you deserved; viewing your mistreatment as punishment, and allowing it to shatter and shame you;
- tolerating the offender's abusive behavior;
- refusing to forgive yourself, even when you're innocent;
- making peace at any cost, no matter how superficial or spurious it may be, or how unsafe or miserable the offender makes you feel; and
- losing time and energy engaging in imaginary, vindictive dialogues with him.
page 111
After a traumatic injury, you, the hurt party, are likely to become hypervigilant, patrolling the border between you and the offender, making sure you'll never be violated or fooled again. You may live and breathe the injury, obsessed with its grubby details. The offender, in contrast, may wan to repress, deny, or minimize his wrongful behavior.
With Genuine Forgiveness, a profound shift in preoccupation takes place. You, the offender, demonstrate that you're fully conscious of your transgression and intend never to repeat it. You, the hurt party, become less preoccupied with the injury and begin to let go.
page 124
As forgiveness expert Terry Hargrave points out, "Forgiveness is accomplished when the victimized person no longer has to hold the wrongdoer responsible for the injustice; the wrongdoer holds himself or herself responsible."
page 125
To defend against feeling dependent and vulnerable, she may silence herself in a number of ways. She may forgive you too easily. She may go numb. She may go along to get along, as though she has forgiven you, while inside she continue to storm. Or she may retreat into herself and shut you out.
If you're a conflict avoider, her silence will seem preferable to her rage. But don't be fooled. Muffled pain is just as problematic as uncontrollable fury, and perhaps even more dysfunctional. If you don't draw her out and encourage her to talk through the injury, she'll never get close to you or forgive you.
I can't stress this point enough: no conflict, no closeness. If you want to rebuild the bond, you, the offender, must regularly invite and embolden her to reveal how deeply you have hurt her. This opening up to you is an act of intimacy, a first step in lowering the barrier between you. Detatchment may be her protection. But what may be protective to her is likely to be a death knell for the relationship.
page 136
Each time you bring up the violation, you let the hurt party know that it's on your mind, too - that she's not alone with it. When you demonstrate that you won't forget what you did and will continue to be mindful of its lessons, you help release her from her preoccupation with the injury. I often say, If you want your partner to move on, you must pay attention to her pain. If you don't, she will.
page 137
For "surface wounds," a single apology may be enough to win forgiveness. But for more serious injuries, you may need to apologize again and again, particularly if you hope to reconcile. As a patient of mine told her husband after she caught him secretly running up debts on their credit cards, "I don't want you to say you're sorry. I want you to be sorrowful with me. I want you to carry the sorrow the way I carry the sorrow, to walk the walk with me every day."
page 152
...when you tell someone what you need from him, you clear the way back to your heart. And so I advise you: Don't set up invisible hoops for the offender to jump through. Be concrete. Tell him, "This is what will help me mend and let my anger go. This will allow me to get closer to you, perhaps forgive you."
Specific behaviors you may want to request include:
- "I need you to ask me to forgive you."
- "I need you to go to your family and tell them that you lied about me."
- "I need you to let me talk out everything you've done to hurt me, and for you to listen without getting angry."
- "I need you to repeat what I've told you, so I feel that you 'get it.'"
When you tell him, "I need nothing from you," you cut yourself off from him and give him no chance to make meaningful repairs. What you are saying, in effect, is, "I need nothing, because I'm committed to hating you and keeping you out in the cold." In contrast, when you map out what you need, you give him direction and create a path to forgiveness.
As Gaston Bachelard writes:
What is the source of our first suffering?
It lies in the fact that we hesitated to speak.
It was born in the moment
When we accumulated silent things within us.
page 203
- - -
Excerpts...
Cheap Forgiveness is a quick and easy pardon with no processing of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury. It's a compulsive, unconditional, unilateral attempt at peacemaking for which you ask nothing in return. ...
Cheap Forgiveness is dysfunctional because it creates an illusion of closeness when nothing has been faced or resolved, and the offender has done nothing to earn it. Silencing your anguish and indignation, you fail to acknowledge or appreciate the harm that was done to you.
page 15
What makes it nearly impossible for some peacekeepers to speak up is their uncertainty about whether a violation actually took place. Children of alcoholics and victims of physical or sexual abuse in particular often grow up in a world that tries to convince them that the injury never happened. ... Victims whose recollections are questioned often spend their lives doubting the truth of their own experiences - pretending they were never hurt and learning not to trust their own intuition of their own version of reality. This reaction can be as damaging as the violation itself.
page 30
Refusing to Forgive may isolate you not just from the person who hurt you but from those who have done you no harm. Mistrust is like blood seeping from a wound, staining everything it touches. Morbidly absorbed in the injury, you may push everyone away, even those who care for you and want to help you heal. Unable to open up to them, or even admit that you welcome their support, you're likely to stand firm but alone.
page 48
With Acceptance, you appreciate the magnitude of the wrong that was done to you and give full voice to the violation. You refuse to let go of your grievance until you've grasped its meaning and understood its effect on you. You may need to replay the injury again and again until the whole truth sinks in.
page 56
It helps to create a place within you where your emotions are safe - an empathic, holding environment where you do not judge, deny, or dismiss whatever is going on inside you. Once you acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to have them, you can begin to normalize them. All your life you may have been taught that emotions are dangerous, a sign of weakness. You may have learned to cut yourself off from them. But now you need to embrace them, secure in the knowledge that when someone violates you, you are not crazy or alone in responding with intense, even conflicting emotions.
page 57
As you trace the offender's story and see how he was damaged, and how he subjected you to the same abuse or neglect he may have experienced himself, you begin to understand why he acted the way he did. You realize that he was born with a deck of cards, that over time he was dealt a few more, and that today he is playing out his hand with you. If you weren't there, he might be playing the same hand with someone else. The more you know about him as a person distinct from you, the less likely you are to take his behavior personally. And the less personally you take his behavior, the less likely you are to experience shame.
Shame comes when you think that his behavior is about you - about your unworthiness, your defectiveness, your unlovability. Shame lifts when you realize that his behavior is about him - his innate disposition, his traumatic experiences, his responses to life's stress. You may not have access to this information about him, but in order for you to fight shame, it helps to come up with some hypotheses.
page 68
You may ask, "Why should I forgive myself? I did nothing wrong. It was the offender who violated me." But the issue here is not how you wronged him. It's how you may have allowed him to hurt you.
How did you do this? What do you need to forgive yourself for? In "After the Affair," I list a number of injuries that pertain to infidelity, including:
- trusting blindly, and ignoring your suspicions;
- having such a stunted view of yourself that you feel unentitled to loyalty or love; and
- making unfair comparisons by idealizing the lover and degrading yourself.
You may also want to forgive yourself for such self-effacing, self-destructive behaviors as:
- dismissing your suffering and failing to appreciate how deeply you've been wounded;
- believing you got what you deserved; viewing your mistreatment as punishment, and allowing it to shatter and shame you;
- tolerating the offender's abusive behavior;
- refusing to forgive yourself, even when you're innocent;
- making peace at any cost, no matter how superficial or spurious it may be, or how unsafe or miserable the offender makes you feel; and
- losing time and energy engaging in imaginary, vindictive dialogues with him.
page 111
After a traumatic injury, you, the hurt party, are likely to become hypervigilant, patrolling the border between you and the offender, making sure you'll never be violated or fooled again. You may live and breathe the injury, obsessed with its grubby details. The offender, in contrast, may wan to repress, deny, or minimize his wrongful behavior.
With Genuine Forgiveness, a profound shift in preoccupation takes place. You, the offender, demonstrate that you're fully conscious of your transgression and intend never to repeat it. You, the hurt party, become less preoccupied with the injury and begin to let go.
page 124
As forgiveness expert Terry Hargrave points out, "Forgiveness is accomplished when the victimized person no longer has to hold the wrongdoer responsible for the injustice; the wrongdoer holds himself or herself responsible."
page 125
To defend against feeling dependent and vulnerable, she may silence herself in a number of ways. She may forgive you too easily. She may go numb. She may go along to get along, as though she has forgiven you, while inside she continue to storm. Or she may retreat into herself and shut you out.
If you're a conflict avoider, her silence will seem preferable to her rage. But don't be fooled. Muffled pain is just as problematic as uncontrollable fury, and perhaps even more dysfunctional. If you don't draw her out and encourage her to talk through the injury, she'll never get close to you or forgive you.
I can't stress this point enough: no conflict, no closeness. If you want to rebuild the bond, you, the offender, must regularly invite and embolden her to reveal how deeply you have hurt her. This opening up to you is an act of intimacy, a first step in lowering the barrier between you. Detatchment may be her protection. But what may be protective to her is likely to be a death knell for the relationship.
page 136
Each time you bring up the violation, you let the hurt party know that it's on your mind, too - that she's not alone with it. When you demonstrate that you won't forget what you did and will continue to be mindful of its lessons, you help release her from her preoccupation with the injury. I often say, If you want your partner to move on, you must pay attention to her pain. If you don't, she will.
page 137
For "surface wounds," a single apology may be enough to win forgiveness. But for more serious injuries, you may need to apologize again and again, particularly if you hope to reconcile. As a patient of mine told her husband after she caught him secretly running up debts on their credit cards, "I don't want you to say you're sorry. I want you to be sorrowful with me. I want you to carry the sorrow the way I carry the sorrow, to walk the walk with me every day."
page 152
...when you tell someone what you need from him, you clear the way back to your heart. And so I advise you: Don't set up invisible hoops for the offender to jump through. Be concrete. Tell him, "This is what will help me mend and let my anger go. This will allow me to get closer to you, perhaps forgive you."
Specific behaviors you may want to request include:
- "I need you to ask me to forgive you."
- "I need you to go to your family and tell them that you lied about me."
- "I need you to let me talk out everything you've done to hurt me, and for you to listen without getting angry."
- "I need you to repeat what I've told you, so I feel that you 'get it.'"
When you tell him, "I need nothing from you," you cut yourself off from him and give him no chance to make meaningful repairs. What you are saying, in effect, is, "I need nothing, because I'm committed to hating you and keeping you out in the cold." In contrast, when you map out what you need, you give him direction and create a path to forgiveness.
As Gaston Bachelard writes:
What is the source of our first suffering?
It lies in the fact that we hesitated to speak.
It was born in the moment
When we accumulated silent things within us.
page 203
December 23, 2015
This book has the occasional tidbit of good advice. However, much of what Spring advises can be really harmful to those dealing with truly abusive (including Cluster B) individuals.
If you are upset and cannot let it go because your plumber did not clean-up after himself, then maybe this book is for you. (yes, an actual example from the book)
If, however, you are dealing with and/or have survived truly abusive individuals then I would recommend that you find a different book altogether. If you are going through and/or survived this type of abusive situation then it is likely that your self-esteem has already taken a beating and that you are already confused enough. Being called a narcissist for having trouble forgiving a narcissistic abuser; being told that you must find your abuser's good side', having someone insist that you figure out how you might be responsible for your abuse, and the continuous underlying message of 'working toward genuine forgiveness and reconciliation is ultimately the only real way to heal' (despite the title's claim otherwise) are all harmful messages contained between the covers of this book. I'll mention too that Spring never seems to call abuse for what it is (she literally includes being unhappy at your plumber in the same section as another person's upset at their "mean" - read abusive - mother). Dismissing the impact of true abuse, and worse equating it with one of life's minor irritations is another harmful (and extremely dismissive) way of asking someone to deal with trauma. Seriously, if you are in or recovering/surviving from an abusive situation please avoid this book. It will likely hinder your healing process and cause much more harm than it would help.
p.s. Spring - the people you are describing are your clients NOT your "patients". A PhD is the wrong type of doctor to have 'patients'. Plus, 'client' is an autonomous individual who is working through their life hurdles with your (or another therapist's) support. A 'patient' is a sick person who is coming to 'be healed' by you. There is a huge difference.
If you are upset and cannot let it go because your plumber did not clean-up after himself, then maybe this book is for you. (yes, an actual example from the book)
If, however, you are dealing with and/or have survived truly abusive individuals then I would recommend that you find a different book altogether. If you are going through and/or survived this type of abusive situation then it is likely that your self-esteem has already taken a beating and that you are already confused enough. Being called a narcissist for having trouble forgiving a narcissistic abuser; being told that you must find your abuser's good side', having someone insist that you figure out how you might be responsible for your abuse, and the continuous underlying message of 'working toward genuine forgiveness and reconciliation is ultimately the only real way to heal' (despite the title's claim otherwise) are all harmful messages contained between the covers of this book. I'll mention too that Spring never seems to call abuse for what it is (she literally includes being unhappy at your plumber in the same section as another person's upset at their "mean" - read abusive - mother). Dismissing the impact of true abuse, and worse equating it with one of life's minor irritations is another harmful (and extremely dismissive) way of asking someone to deal with trauma. Seriously, if you are in or recovering/surviving from an abusive situation please avoid this book. It will likely hinder your healing process and cause much more harm than it would help.
p.s. Spring - the people you are describing are your clients NOT your "patients". A PhD is the wrong type of doctor to have 'patients'. Plus, 'client' is an autonomous individual who is working through their life hurdles with your (or another therapist's) support. A 'patient' is a sick person who is coming to 'be healed' by you. There is a huge difference.
May 22, 2009
This is the best thing I've ever read on forgiveness, even better than Getting Even: Forgiveness and Its Limits. The author explores the psychological processes involved in forgiving or deciding not to forgive someone.
Most people act like forgiveness is a single simple decision to turn off their anger. I've never understood that concept, as almost nobody has the capability to cut off emotions by an act of will.
If you feel pressured to forgive someone, if you wish someone would forgive you, if you worry that your inability to forgive is harming you, reading this book will clarify your thoughts on the relationship and the behavior that damaged it.
Most people act like forgiveness is a single simple decision to turn off their anger. I've never understood that concept, as almost nobody has the capability to cut off emotions by an act of will.
If you feel pressured to forgive someone, if you wish someone would forgive you, if you worry that your inability to forgive is harming you, reading this book will clarify your thoughts on the relationship and the behavior that damaged it.
December 23, 2024
Examples in this book range from victims of rape, abandoned children, victims of physical abuse, people who have been cheated on, people who have been financially scammed (or who worry they have been financially scammed, more accurately), and people who have asshole siblings.
A friend visited and mentioned that on one of her last trips, she binged some self-help books relevant to her dad’s abandonment. I asked if any of them were for people who did not want to rebuild a relationship with the offender—not that they couldn’t, but just didn’t want to. Immediately she suggested this one. I got the audiobook and, after getting halfway through, decided to get a text copy as well.
Really lovely book. I felt no pressure to forgive or to see the good in the offender or to particularly focus on myself as a source of my own troubles. It is offered as an option in the cases where one could want a relationship with the person someday, but the author explicitly states that (for example) victims of sexual abuse should never ever think of their own role in the abuse or to view their rapist positively.
This book is probably not for anyone who still questions how bad or how true their circumstances were. I think about myself five years ago, fascinated by reading descriptions of similar behavior or similar incidents, drawing value from recognizing those behaviors and incidents. This book would not have helped me then.
A friend visited and mentioned that on one of her last trips, she binged some self-help books relevant to her dad’s abandonment. I asked if any of them were for people who did not want to rebuild a relationship with the offender—not that they couldn’t, but just didn’t want to. Immediately she suggested this one. I got the audiobook and, after getting halfway through, decided to get a text copy as well.
Really lovely book. I felt no pressure to forgive or to see the good in the offender or to particularly focus on myself as a source of my own troubles. It is offered as an option in the cases where one could want a relationship with the person someday, but the author explicitly states that (for example) victims of sexual abuse should never ever think of their own role in the abuse or to view their rapist positively.
This book is probably not for anyone who still questions how bad or how true their circumstances were. I think about myself five years ago, fascinated by reading descriptions of similar behavior or similar incidents, drawing value from recognizing those behaviors and incidents. This book would not have helped me then.
October 26, 2016
Wrote a blog post called "Forgiveness: Not Always Necessary, Often Helpful" (http://www.mindingtherapy.com/forgive...) based on both reading Spring's book and attending her workshop on the subject.
May 15, 2020
Find freedom to not forgive, and really go into exploring the different layers of forgiveness. This was really good for those that never felt like forgiveness on a certain situations was authentic to your own core values
December 27, 2020
I read this at the recommendation of my therapist. I appreciated the clear way that Spring speaks about forgiveness and what it involves, whilst giving people the opportunity to heal and move on without forgiveness. I recommend this book to others now frequently.
January 15, 2020
This is an amazing book! Many of us struggle with forgiveness. Either we enjoy playing the victim card and blame others for our shortcomings and failures or overcompensate and forgive easily, neglecting our own feelings in order to keep the peace. We also fail to look inwards to accept that we may also have been responsible for the pain our offender has caused us, to dig deeper and own up to our own mistakes, to learn to forgive and let go (sometimes without allowing our offender back into their lives which is totally ok). I can’t stress enough how important this is of a read, to bring you peace in times when you are questioning yourself or the ones you love whom hurt you or whom you’ve hurt. It helps you reevaluate the why or how of the pain and the hurt you endured and to forgive and accept so that you can move past the pain. I recommend this book to anyone seeking to change their views on forgiveness as a weakness or a loss of control or power, and to those who simply cannot understand the benefit of forgiveness. Moreover, it teaches you to see both sides of the coin, to accept, reconcile, challenge yourself and your negative thoughts, and move towards peace and in turn move forward with your life.
December 5, 2020
So, very, very rarely do I give up on books, even if they are truly terribly written. I have a particularly hard time with self-help books and this one bothered me immensely because it started to refer to the gender-specific "he" as the wrongdoer and "she" as the aggrieved party. Considering as I have been previously been cheated on by a "she" and the way this book comes across, every time "he" is mentioned as opposed to a gender-neutral term is a slap in the face to me. At some point after the first 10 pages the author says that they're going to do this convention but well after I picked up on it. I wanted to write a clever review along the lines of "How Can I Forgive You (For Writing This Book)?" but after reading three pages after I left off this goes into the recycling bin. It's not worth anyone reading, really.
September 5, 2019
I've never read a book on forgiveness apart from a religious bias. Spring pulls from all walks of life to craft How Can I Forgive You? Quoting Rabis, Pastors, Life Coaches, and Yogis. Her years of marriage counseling come in to play in her scenarios and experience but it's a book for anyone who has ever been hurt and isn't sure how to create forgiveness from the wounds. I'm passionate about forgiveness but my body count of people I've actually been able to absolve is low. I read this in a time where the overwhelming anger and guilt I had toward the people I had been unable to let go of was distracting me from my day to day and I was desperate for new answers.
Spring approach is not that forgiveness is the end all, the holy grail of emotional enlightenment. She's the first author I've read that offers acceptance as a path of healing. I read the chapter where she outlines that the act of accepting the injustice, accepting the anger and the grief and the rage, accepting the dues you will never receive and the pain that you've suffered, and ultimately accepting the reality and allowing yourself to move on. She argues kindly for the case of forgiveness as well but even more so that the victim can and should choose whatever path they feel comforted the most in.
I especially appreciated the chapter directed to the person seeking forgiveness. Spring's experience with complicated perpetrators shines through in her empathy but take-no-prisoners-accept-no-bullshit attitude is tonally perfect. There are people who I have/should ask forgiveness of and to be talked to in such a direct way was a respect that few resources offer.
I think anyone who has ever been in an emotional relationship should give this a read. I didn't forgive anyone after finishing it but I did offer acceptance to the people that I've given the majority of my anger too and I breathed a little easier after. 4 stars.
Spring approach is not that forgiveness is the end all, the holy grail of emotional enlightenment. She's the first author I've read that offers acceptance as a path of healing. I read the chapter where she outlines that the act of accepting the injustice, accepting the anger and the grief and the rage, accepting the dues you will never receive and the pain that you've suffered, and ultimately accepting the reality and allowing yourself to move on. She argues kindly for the case of forgiveness as well but even more so that the victim can and should choose whatever path they feel comforted the most in.
I especially appreciated the chapter directed to the person seeking forgiveness. Spring's experience with complicated perpetrators shines through in her empathy but take-no-prisoners-accept-no-bullshit attitude is tonally perfect. There are people who I have/should ask forgiveness of and to be talked to in such a direct way was a respect that few resources offer.
I think anyone who has ever been in an emotional relationship should give this a read. I didn't forgive anyone after finishing it but I did offer acceptance to the people that I've given the majority of my anger too and I breathed a little easier after. 4 stars.
November 18, 2021
So, I found this one last “self help” book from that time I went to my favorite giant bookstore after my marriage ended and I gathered a number of these books, only to read them years later. Well YOU GUYS, this one is for you.
If you are human, trying to be a human, or trying to be a better human...this book is for you. I really think most people would get something out of reading this. It doesn’t promote ways to ALWAYS FORGIVE AND HOLIER THAN THOU BECAUSE I FORGIVE YOU. It acknowledges that ALL human relationships are messy, complicated, and people can get hurt and do hurtful things to each other.
I feel like this is a book about healing, and ways to better manage your emotions, your thought processes, and really helpful ways to communicate openly and honestly. Which is something I think most people struggle with and something I desperately crave out of whether it is romantic, familial, or friendship. I thought the section targeted to the offender was interesting as well, meaning the book touches base on both sides of the issue and offers helpful insight to parties on either side.
I’m too sleepy as of this moment of writing to give better detail or insight but I do give this book a heavy recommend. (*NOTE- there are multiple mentions of forms of abuse, physical and sexual within this book, just as a warning for those who are sensitive to those matters.
Get this. Read this. Grow
If you are human, trying to be a human, or trying to be a better human...this book is for you. I really think most people would get something out of reading this. It doesn’t promote ways to ALWAYS FORGIVE AND HOLIER THAN THOU BECAUSE I FORGIVE YOU. It acknowledges that ALL human relationships are messy, complicated, and people can get hurt and do hurtful things to each other.
I feel like this is a book about healing, and ways to better manage your emotions, your thought processes, and really helpful ways to communicate openly and honestly. Which is something I think most people struggle with and something I desperately crave out of whether it is romantic, familial, or friendship. I thought the section targeted to the offender was interesting as well, meaning the book touches base on both sides of the issue and offers helpful insight to parties on either side.
I’m too sleepy as of this moment of writing to give better detail or insight but I do give this book a heavy recommend. (*NOTE- there are multiple mentions of forms of abuse, physical and sexual within this book, just as a warning for those who are sensitive to those matters.
Get this. Read this. Grow
May 11, 2015
I feel like there is something for everyone in this book. My favorite section on this book was the one about acceptance and the practical steps one can take in order to accept the situation for what it is and move on even if the person who hurt you is unrepentant or unavailable.
There are lots of different case studies from real patients as well to demonstrate the author's points. This is another aspect of the book I liked.
I gave this a 3-star rating because I skimmed over some chapters. Some chapters were more applicable for me than others, and I figured this would be the case for other readers as well. However, this was still a great book.
There are lots of different case studies from real patients as well to demonstrate the author's points. This is another aspect of the book I liked.
I gave this a 3-star rating because I skimmed over some chapters. Some chapters were more applicable for me than others, and I figured this would be the case for other readers as well. However, this was still a great book.
February 18, 2021
Great material that truly opens your eyes to the importance of forgiveness if you want to live a happy, guilt free life. It may not work for everyone, but this book gave so many different examples of the the types of deceit, anger and pain that was caused. It also walks through the different types of forgiveness and how saying I'm sorry isn't true forgiveness.
I enjoyed this read and I believe this will be helpful in my life! I definitely have some people in my life that could benefit from this book!!
I enjoyed this read and I believe this will be helpful in my life! I definitely have some people in my life that could benefit from this book!!
April 29, 2008
This book is easy to read with not too much therapist-speak. It is not directed towards those who seek to forgive after an affair (which so many books are) but for any major grievance in any relationship. Also the chapter on acceptance could be applied to any aspect of life you can't change. She gives specific tasks that needed to be completed and lays out four different ways to move past a grievance, some which allow you to be more successful than others.
June 13, 2019
This is a textbook, a self-help book that's actually well researched and full of useful approaches. I don't like the self-helpy tone of it, but that's because I went into it thinking it's going to be like a Irvin Yalom or Examined Life kind of book. But this is not. Hence I said it's a textbook, a reference book, a book you read not for pleasure but as a tool.
January 24, 2021
This book is excellent. You don’t necessarily have to be in a struggle with a current “forgiveness” scenario for it to apply to your life. I recommend this book as just a means of understanding ourselves and our fellow humans as we go through life facing various challenges with different personalities.
February 15, 2010
Not satisfying for me. I agree we need the freedom not to forgive - but the author seemed to under-value that end.
This is an important topic for me because I wrestle with these issues. I just needed a different slant on it.
This is an important topic for me because I wrestle with these issues. I just needed a different slant on it.
January 3, 2012
Interesting book, I liked the fact that the author is not a proponent of "forgiveness at any cost, in order to achieve healing for oneself". She allows that forgiveness is a choice, and one that doesn't need to be made in order to let go of hurt and move on successfully.
August 29, 2017
A new position on forgiveness- helps reframe the concept plus offers advice and steps you can take to get where you need to be. While the focus is primarily on affairs, she does branch out and touch on other forms of relationships.
May 9, 2021
A strong argument that forgiving should stop being solely placed on the abused party. This has some good concrete ideas for healing and what both parties must do to create that and mend relationships.
April 1, 2016
This book is amazing. Every relationships has moments of hurt. I found it very useful.
September 28, 2018
well, that was incredibly helpful and inspiring! i would highly recommend not just for a specific situation, but generally for just dealing with being an alive person!
January 20, 2022
Great reference for those seeking healing. Best takeaway is the proper way of giving and receiving an apology.
September 22, 2015
Just random notes:
How Can I Forgive You?
The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To
Janis Abrahms Spring
So much literature on forgiveness has been written specifically for you, the hurt party, telling you what you need to do to grant forgiveness, rather than telling the offender what he needs to do to earn forgiveness. THis single-minded focus has compromised, twisted, and cheapened the process of forgiveness and created a saintly, abstract concept that many of us feel pressured to accept at any cost.
Re: unconditional forgiveness:
My clinical experience working with patients over the past 29 years, observing how people heal and what they need to heal, has taught me that they tend to react in 1 of 3 ways:: they reject the idea that when you forgive you ask for nothing in return...subscribe to religious concept of forgiveness as a gift to an unworthy offender...they refuse to forgive. All have downsides.
Self-Forgiveness: to be genuine, it must be earned. Acknowledge your wrong and make amends directly to the person you harmed. If that’s not possible, you must perform other acts of repentance and restitution that in effect speak out against your offense and demonstrate your commitment not to repeat it.
Cheap forgivers: stay, self-sacrifice, green light to keep mistreating you. Also can block personal growth and insights and road to intimacy.
Deny resentment doesn't resolve it, so phys and emotionally sick. Tumor internalize?
Type C cancer candidates exhibit compulsive unyielding niceness in any situation - no matter how stressful, insulting or dangerous. (Type A prone to heart disease.)
Feeling anger can be a healthy, adaptive reaction when your rights have been stomped on. It stimulates you to act.
Need to draw a line and say "Enough. I've had enough."
Refusing to Forgive also dysfunctional.
Acceptance: functional. With this, can decide to remain in relationship or move on.
Genuine forgiveness (earned).
Earn forgiveness and self forgiveness. A plan for rectifying and taking full responsibility.
Extend generosity to everyone, lessens its meaning.
Denial, repress hurt. Festers, sick.
Refusing to forgive
Aggression, detachment.
Fear vulnerable to more insults
Cut off from personal growth, possible resolution
Acceptance
Not nec reconciliation.
Honor your emotions, stop obsessing, protect self from further abuse, look at own contribution
Free self from questions like “How could he?”
It would help me get closer if you could acknowledge how alone I felt….
James Baldwin: I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain.
Don’t minimize but don’t amplify pain.
Mourn losses then make new connections with people - including, perhaps, the offender.
Can, but don’t have to, request restitution...move beyond his transgression.
Reduce offender to such insignificance that you have no need to waste energy on him. Nietzsche.
Letting go of the ruminations and nagging thought, reclaim energy, reengage with life vs. waste time hating spree. Not same as “it’s OK.”
Call out and challenge negative thoughts.
Watch should statements, based on just your idea of what’s right.
Turn focus elsewhere.
Thought-stopping - upsetting incident from past.
Some rumination adaptive.
Relaxation, meditation
self-care
Protect yourself from further abuse.
Acknowledge your contribution so can recognize...combative? Doormat?
Sexual intimacy insep from emotional intimacy that must be cultivated.
Accept this person did something to you, but what he did was not necessarily about you.
Frame the offender’s behavior in terms of his own personal struggles.
Don’t let others dictate how we feel about ourselves.
Not your unworthiness, your defectiveness, your unlovability ... not your shame.
Might decide to release yourself from his b
attles and his grip and walk away.
Not sugar-coat...compassion balanced against a full appreciation of the harm he did.
Question: your official story of abuse, victim? See yourself as good, right, fair and virtuous, disavow the impact your behavior has on others, shift responsibility?
Do you overgeneralize: he always does that.
Jump to conclusions?
Should: rigid code of conduct?
Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl suggests an existential response to the world’s injustices. A Holocaust survivor, he argues that we cannot dictate how people treat us, but we can control how we choose to react to their treatment of us.
Weigh good moments against the bad.
Flawed, complex, sometimes there for me.
Carefully decide what kind of relationship you want with the offender.
Is he inaccessible, unrepenting, failings can’t live with,
Goal: emotional resolution.
Your understanding of the injury can change you for the better.
Genuine Forgiveness:
Letter: specific ways of how I think we can get along better.
“I need you to take responsibility for what you did.”
Earned forgiveness.
A transaction a shared venture between 2 people bound by an interpersonal violation.
Conditional, not unconditional.
Both need to address: What am I willing to give in order to create a climate in which forgiveness is possible?
Offender:
Bear witness to the pain you caused.
Mistaken assumption “I deserve to be forgiven.” Acts of contrition.
Don’t assume your efforts won’t make a difference.
Apologize genuinely, non-defensively, responsibly.
Seek to understand your behavior and reveal the inglorious truth about yourself to the person you harmed.
Work to earn back trust.
Listen with an open heart.
A good apology:
Take responsibility for the damage you caused.
Make your apology personal: I wronged you. I did this to you. (Offender violated your standard of conduct. Help her heal and move forward.
Make specific, heartfelt, repeatedly, beyond confession, beyond regret: I tarnished our memories.
I exposed you to STDs.
I gave up on our relationship without letting you know, making i impossible to work things out.
Why did you do it:
“I don’t know” inadequate. Self-examination.
What allowed me to violate her rights, to devalue her and treat her so disrespectfully?
What can I learn about myself?
Why is this work necessary? Refused therapy or discuss their relationship.
Redress violations:
Low-cost trust-building behaviors like showing emails….
high-cost (formally ending your relationship with lover in your partner’s presence, putting significant portion of your savings in your partner’s name, therapy, recommitment ceremony.
Dysfunctional thought form:
Describe the situation.
Describe how you feel
Record your automatic thoughts (like “don’t want to work”). What could I do differently?
Record your corrected ideas.
Among 10 steps to take together:
Offender helps you honor the full sweep of your emotions
The offender helps you in your need for a just resolution.
Respond to hurt party’s pain with patience and compassion.
Helps you stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.
Offender protects hurt party from further abuse.
Offender helps you frame his behavior in terms of his own personal struggles. (I treated you badly, but you didn’t deserve any of it. Deliberately created a mess, distraction.)
Offender helps you reconcile with him.
The offender helps you forgive yourself for your own failings (not wearing pieces of clothing that match, not having sexy underwear that normally the spouse would buy for you, “nagging” to follow through on even simple steps related to his new job or career that he talked on about...even with me substantially helping him with tasks related to his stated ambitions…”nagging” to stop calling me retarded and boring…”nagging” to acknowledge something kind about me, like supporting him financially, morally, mentally, helpmately…”nagging” to accompany me to something in public, at his workplace)
Critical tasks
Create opportunities for the offender to make good and help you heal.
“He can come forward and ask to be forgiven, or you can let him know what you need from him in order to heal. In an ideal world you’d want him to take the first step, but in an ideal world be wouldn’t have hurt you.”
Reminding him to stop spending the bulk of his thoughts on flaws and “reasons” he need not work at something, and instead see people’s good qualities and how to harness them for mutual benefit and pursuing his stated dreams. Asking him to look at my behaviors of the day and ask what positive qualities they reflect about me instead of focusing on my physical flaws and my verbal deficits.
Rage - don’t give it a voice. Instead be mindful, construction and calm in words and tone when expressing thoughts and feelings. When we release rage, particularly when we do so repeatedly, we do not deplete our supply; we may even increase it.
Let him know specific things you need to heal:
“ need you to go to your family and tell them that you lied about me.”
“I need you to let me talk out everything you’ve done to hurt me, and for you listen without getting angry.
“I need you to repeat what I’ve told you, so I feel that you ‘get it.’”
Self-forgiveness: make amends.
(weak conscience??)
“It doesn’t matter so much if you succeed. It only matters that you try. Then I’ll feel you’re in the marriage with me. I need your help.”
Create a supportive climate for positive change/movement.
We have some areas of incompatibility. He masked (such as wanting to reserve romance and sex for other women and admitting, years later, he never really liked working at things such as a career).
What the hurt party must do:
Let him know that if he works to make amends, you’ll work to open yourself up to him and not play out your doubts and anxieties with each interaction.
Forgiveness takes work. Pardoning is conferred.
Forgiver frees herself of hatred, but does not free the injurer of responsibility.
Not unconditional.
Forgiveness can happen fast or take years.
Mark had complete 3 of the 4 tasks for earning forgiveness: he had listened openly to her pain, had apologized to her in a meaningful way, and had worked hard to make her feel safe and cherished. What he hadn’t done was to peer into himself to try to understand and communicate why he had betrayed her.
Create new positive memories to replace revelations of betrayal.
Some anger needed, as normal and adaptive. Not simply wipe the slate clean. This sort of magical reversal is not what happens to real people who have suffered real emotional injuries.
Even if forgive and stop hating the offender, expect episodes of spasms of hate to what he did, and realitize during those times you cannot separate what he did to you from who he is.
John Gottman Love Lab.
Learn to integrate Christian forgiveness that emphasizes empathy and mercy and Jewish forgiveness emphasizing justice, repentance and atonement.
Core Emotional needs, such as Realistic limits and self-control
If the offender was spoiled by indulgent parents - if no one set appropriate limits on his behavior or taught him the importance of reciprocity (or if he chose to reject such values) - he may grow up thinking that he is privileged and above the dictates of common decency. He may act superior, not because he is, but because he needs to feel powerful and exert control over you. A stranger to the word “no,” he’s likely to have an inflated sense of entitlement and an exaggerated sense of his importance to you and to the world.
Step out of the picture and see the degree to which the offender’s behavior is a statement about him, not you, you will be better equipped to stay centered, maintain your self-respect, and rise above the violation.
How Can I Forgive You?
The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To
Janis Abrahms Spring
So much literature on forgiveness has been written specifically for you, the hurt party, telling you what you need to do to grant forgiveness, rather than telling the offender what he needs to do to earn forgiveness. THis single-minded focus has compromised, twisted, and cheapened the process of forgiveness and created a saintly, abstract concept that many of us feel pressured to accept at any cost.
Re: unconditional forgiveness:
My clinical experience working with patients over the past 29 years, observing how people heal and what they need to heal, has taught me that they tend to react in 1 of 3 ways:: they reject the idea that when you forgive you ask for nothing in return...subscribe to religious concept of forgiveness as a gift to an unworthy offender...they refuse to forgive. All have downsides.
Self-Forgiveness: to be genuine, it must be earned. Acknowledge your wrong and make amends directly to the person you harmed. If that’s not possible, you must perform other acts of repentance and restitution that in effect speak out against your offense and demonstrate your commitment not to repeat it.
Cheap forgivers: stay, self-sacrifice, green light to keep mistreating you. Also can block personal growth and insights and road to intimacy.
Deny resentment doesn't resolve it, so phys and emotionally sick. Tumor internalize?
Type C cancer candidates exhibit compulsive unyielding niceness in any situation - no matter how stressful, insulting or dangerous. (Type A prone to heart disease.)
Feeling anger can be a healthy, adaptive reaction when your rights have been stomped on. It stimulates you to act.
Need to draw a line and say "Enough. I've had enough."
Refusing to Forgive also dysfunctional.
Acceptance: functional. With this, can decide to remain in relationship or move on.
Genuine forgiveness (earned).
Earn forgiveness and self forgiveness. A plan for rectifying and taking full responsibility.
Extend generosity to everyone, lessens its meaning.
Denial, repress hurt. Festers, sick.
Refusing to forgive
Aggression, detachment.
Fear vulnerable to more insults
Cut off from personal growth, possible resolution
Acceptance
Not nec reconciliation.
Honor your emotions, stop obsessing, protect self from further abuse, look at own contribution
Free self from questions like “How could he?”
It would help me get closer if you could acknowledge how alone I felt….
James Baldwin: I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain.
Don’t minimize but don’t amplify pain.
Mourn losses then make new connections with people - including, perhaps, the offender.
Can, but don’t have to, request restitution...move beyond his transgression.
Reduce offender to such insignificance that you have no need to waste energy on him. Nietzsche.
Letting go of the ruminations and nagging thought, reclaim energy, reengage with life vs. waste time hating spree. Not same as “it’s OK.”
Call out and challenge negative thoughts.
Watch should statements, based on just your idea of what’s right.
Turn focus elsewhere.
Thought-stopping - upsetting incident from past.
Some rumination adaptive.
Relaxation, meditation
self-care
Protect yourself from further abuse.
Acknowledge your contribution so can recognize...combative? Doormat?
Sexual intimacy insep from emotional intimacy that must be cultivated.
Accept this person did something to you, but what he did was not necessarily about you.
Frame the offender’s behavior in terms of his own personal struggles.
Don’t let others dictate how we feel about ourselves.
Not your unworthiness, your defectiveness, your unlovability ... not your shame.
Might decide to release yourself from his b
attles and his grip and walk away.
Not sugar-coat...compassion balanced against a full appreciation of the harm he did.
Question: your official story of abuse, victim? See yourself as good, right, fair and virtuous, disavow the impact your behavior has on others, shift responsibility?
Do you overgeneralize: he always does that.
Jump to conclusions?
Should: rigid code of conduct?
Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl suggests an existential response to the world’s injustices. A Holocaust survivor, he argues that we cannot dictate how people treat us, but we can control how we choose to react to their treatment of us.
Weigh good moments against the bad.
Flawed, complex, sometimes there for me.
Carefully decide what kind of relationship you want with the offender.
Is he inaccessible, unrepenting, failings can’t live with,
Goal: emotional resolution.
Your understanding of the injury can change you for the better.
Genuine Forgiveness:
Letter: specific ways of how I think we can get along better.
“I need you to take responsibility for what you did.”
Earned forgiveness.
A transaction a shared venture between 2 people bound by an interpersonal violation.
Conditional, not unconditional.
Both need to address: What am I willing to give in order to create a climate in which forgiveness is possible?
Offender:
Bear witness to the pain you caused.
Mistaken assumption “I deserve to be forgiven.” Acts of contrition.
Don’t assume your efforts won’t make a difference.
Apologize genuinely, non-defensively, responsibly.
Seek to understand your behavior and reveal the inglorious truth about yourself to the person you harmed.
Work to earn back trust.
Listen with an open heart.
A good apology:
Take responsibility for the damage you caused.
Make your apology personal: I wronged you. I did this to you. (Offender violated your standard of conduct. Help her heal and move forward.
Make specific, heartfelt, repeatedly, beyond confession, beyond regret: I tarnished our memories.
I exposed you to STDs.
I gave up on our relationship without letting you know, making i impossible to work things out.
Why did you do it:
“I don’t know” inadequate. Self-examination.
What allowed me to violate her rights, to devalue her and treat her so disrespectfully?
What can I learn about myself?
Why is this work necessary? Refused therapy or discuss their relationship.
Redress violations:
Low-cost trust-building behaviors like showing emails….
high-cost (formally ending your relationship with lover in your partner’s presence, putting significant portion of your savings in your partner’s name, therapy, recommitment ceremony.
Dysfunctional thought form:
Describe the situation.
Describe how you feel
Record your automatic thoughts (like “don’t want to work”). What could I do differently?
Record your corrected ideas.
Among 10 steps to take together:
Offender helps you honor the full sweep of your emotions
The offender helps you in your need for a just resolution.
Respond to hurt party’s pain with patience and compassion.
Helps you stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.
Offender protects hurt party from further abuse.
Offender helps you frame his behavior in terms of his own personal struggles. (I treated you badly, but you didn’t deserve any of it. Deliberately created a mess, distraction.)
Offender helps you reconcile with him.
The offender helps you forgive yourself for your own failings (not wearing pieces of clothing that match, not having sexy underwear that normally the spouse would buy for you, “nagging” to follow through on even simple steps related to his new job or career that he talked on about...even with me substantially helping him with tasks related to his stated ambitions…”nagging” to stop calling me retarded and boring…”nagging” to acknowledge something kind about me, like supporting him financially, morally, mentally, helpmately…”nagging” to accompany me to something in public, at his workplace)
Critical tasks
Create opportunities for the offender to make good and help you heal.
“He can come forward and ask to be forgiven, or you can let him know what you need from him in order to heal. In an ideal world you’d want him to take the first step, but in an ideal world be wouldn’t have hurt you.”
Reminding him to stop spending the bulk of his thoughts on flaws and “reasons” he need not work at something, and instead see people’s good qualities and how to harness them for mutual benefit and pursuing his stated dreams. Asking him to look at my behaviors of the day and ask what positive qualities they reflect about me instead of focusing on my physical flaws and my verbal deficits.
Rage - don’t give it a voice. Instead be mindful, construction and calm in words and tone when expressing thoughts and feelings. When we release rage, particularly when we do so repeatedly, we do not deplete our supply; we may even increase it.
Let him know specific things you need to heal:
“ need you to go to your family and tell them that you lied about me.”
“I need you to let me talk out everything you’ve done to hurt me, and for you listen without getting angry.
“I need you to repeat what I’ve told you, so I feel that you ‘get it.’”
Self-forgiveness: make amends.
(weak conscience??)
“It doesn’t matter so much if you succeed. It only matters that you try. Then I’ll feel you’re in the marriage with me. I need your help.”
Create a supportive climate for positive change/movement.
We have some areas of incompatibility. He masked (such as wanting to reserve romance and sex for other women and admitting, years later, he never really liked working at things such as a career).
What the hurt party must do:
Let him know that if he works to make amends, you’ll work to open yourself up to him and not play out your doubts and anxieties with each interaction.
Forgiveness takes work. Pardoning is conferred.
Forgiver frees herself of hatred, but does not free the injurer of responsibility.
Not unconditional.
Forgiveness can happen fast or take years.
Mark had complete 3 of the 4 tasks for earning forgiveness: he had listened openly to her pain, had apologized to her in a meaningful way, and had worked hard to make her feel safe and cherished. What he hadn’t done was to peer into himself to try to understand and communicate why he had betrayed her.
Create new positive memories to replace revelations of betrayal.
Some anger needed, as normal and adaptive. Not simply wipe the slate clean. This sort of magical reversal is not what happens to real people who have suffered real emotional injuries.
Even if forgive and stop hating the offender, expect episodes of spasms of hate to what he did, and realitize during those times you cannot separate what he did to you from who he is.
John Gottman Love Lab.
Learn to integrate Christian forgiveness that emphasizes empathy and mercy and Jewish forgiveness emphasizing justice, repentance and atonement.
Core Emotional needs, such as Realistic limits and self-control
If the offender was spoiled by indulgent parents - if no one set appropriate limits on his behavior or taught him the importance of reciprocity (or if he chose to reject such values) - he may grow up thinking that he is privileged and above the dictates of common decency. He may act superior, not because he is, but because he needs to feel powerful and exert control over you. A stranger to the word “no,” he’s likely to have an inflated sense of entitlement and an exaggerated sense of his importance to you and to the world.
Step out of the picture and see the degree to which the offender’s behavior is a statement about him, not you, you will be better equipped to stay centered, maintain your self-respect, and rise above the violation.
March 10, 2018
I listened to this on audio book courtesy of Hoopla (rented it from library). I read this author's book After the Affair last year and wanted to read this one which was her follow up book. Personally speaking, I love audio books, but when it comes to self help books, I prefer to read the pages along with the format of how the content is broken down within a book. I feel like I would have retained more information this way visually. I personally like to highlight items that make sense or that speak to me.
With that said, there was a lot of redundancy on Cheap Forgiveness and Genuine Forgiveness. It breaks down the differences between the two and the origin in which that type of apology may come from - which typically refers back to how a person was raised and how they grew up. It gave many examples of each highlighted bullet point and turned something that appears on the surface very simple as apologizing and pulls back its layers to reveal its deeper complexity.
I learned you don't have to forgive to move forward. Naturally, individuals gravitate towards the Christian notion that you have to forgive in order to make peace within yourself, but this author believes that isn't the only way to gain peace. Your other option is to learn to accept what happened. That's very powerful because you can release yourself from the hurt by accepting that it happened and acknowledging it hurt, but then moving on. It's dealing with the hurt internally that's important. Whether you choose to forgive is a gift you give yourself, not the offending partner.
If a person gives cheap forgiveness, it's often because they are passive individuals who don't want to face potential hurt in the future. They rather forgive quickly and move on not dealing with the issue at hand. To give genuine forgiveness doesn't happen swiftly, but takes time, requires for both individuals to dig deeply to discover why the offender hurt their partner.
This book also went into some depth for the offending partner to listen to...it speaks on how a simple "I am sorry" is not sufficient. It talks about how one should apologize, how it would include genuine remorse and specifics about the hurtful situation, tearing the barrier down between the two partners. The completely exposed ideal reveals the rawness and vulnerability of feelings. It can build a deeper connection and assist with genuine forgiveness. I personally marked a few sections and had my husband listen to them because they made complete sense.
I was always taught to say I am sorry for anytime I hurt an individual. But I am learning not everyone grew up like I did. Even those that grew up in Christian homes feel like their apology to God will forgive them of their sins and alleviate their guilt. And maybe it does...but sometimes the hurt person needs to hear the reason why it happened and hear the remorse in their voice in order to let it go and move on.
With that said, there was a lot of redundancy on Cheap Forgiveness and Genuine Forgiveness. It breaks down the differences between the two and the origin in which that type of apology may come from - which typically refers back to how a person was raised and how they grew up. It gave many examples of each highlighted bullet point and turned something that appears on the surface very simple as apologizing and pulls back its layers to reveal its deeper complexity.
I learned you don't have to forgive to move forward. Naturally, individuals gravitate towards the Christian notion that you have to forgive in order to make peace within yourself, but this author believes that isn't the only way to gain peace. Your other option is to learn to accept what happened. That's very powerful because you can release yourself from the hurt by accepting that it happened and acknowledging it hurt, but then moving on. It's dealing with the hurt internally that's important. Whether you choose to forgive is a gift you give yourself, not the offending partner.
If a person gives cheap forgiveness, it's often because they are passive individuals who don't want to face potential hurt in the future. They rather forgive quickly and move on not dealing with the issue at hand. To give genuine forgiveness doesn't happen swiftly, but takes time, requires for both individuals to dig deeply to discover why the offender hurt their partner.
This book also went into some depth for the offending partner to listen to...it speaks on how a simple "I am sorry" is not sufficient. It talks about how one should apologize, how it would include genuine remorse and specifics about the hurtful situation, tearing the barrier down between the two partners. The completely exposed ideal reveals the rawness and vulnerability of feelings. It can build a deeper connection and assist with genuine forgiveness. I personally marked a few sections and had my husband listen to them because they made complete sense.
I was always taught to say I am sorry for anytime I hurt an individual. But I am learning not everyone grew up like I did. Even those that grew up in Christian homes feel like their apology to God will forgive them of their sins and alleviate their guilt. And maybe it does...but sometimes the hurt person needs to hear the reason why it happened and hear the remorse in their voice in order to let it go and move on.
April 3, 2023
This book was recommended by Harriet Lerner in her own book on forgiveness, Why Won't You Apologise? Lerner flags this book as valuable for those particularly hard-to-forgive transgressions.
Springer's book is well organised, identifying four options when someone has done us harm, including "cheap forgiveness" (forgiving too easily as an act of peace-keeping), refusing to forgive (staying stuck in anger and hate), acceptance (coming to terms with what has happened regardless of the offender's actions) and what she terms "genuine forgiveness". Each of these options is explored in some depth.
It's hard to write a book on forgiveness without referencing other schools of thinking about forgiveness, including religious schools - in Springer's case Christian and Jewish. This seems important precisely because so many of us have learnt about forgiveness in a religious context, even if we have subsequently rejected religion; it can be hard to free ourselves from the shackles of our early programming. It is especially important because Springer's approach stands out as different. She does not see forgiveness as some kind of "must" or "ought to" and, moreover, she seems to see forgiveness as deeply relational, requiring that the offender earn forgiveness.
Springer is previously the author of a book After the Affair and many of her examples relate to marital infidelity, though not all. If I had any critique about the book, I would say that this was very slightly jarring for me. I would also add that I found her examples valuable throughout the book.
The book was also well-informed and largely up-to-date in the context of the rapidly evolving world of neuroscience and trauma. I've no doubt there have been new findings since the book was published in 2004. Nonetheless, the author understands the context of personal trauma and the way it drives behaviours that do harm. This insight is particularly woven through the section on Genuine Forgiveness, requiring of the person being forgiveness that they both explore and share the reasons for their harmful behaviours as part of earning forgiveness.
As a reader, I found this book invaluable in identifying my boundaries in a particular context and gaining clarity that I require committed work in particular relationships if ever we are to build relationships of mutual trust. This was a great gift to me and well worth the price of the book and the time to read it. I have no doubt that it's a book I will refer to again.
Springer's book is well organised, identifying four options when someone has done us harm, including "cheap forgiveness" (forgiving too easily as an act of peace-keeping), refusing to forgive (staying stuck in anger and hate), acceptance (coming to terms with what has happened regardless of the offender's actions) and what she terms "genuine forgiveness". Each of these options is explored in some depth.
It's hard to write a book on forgiveness without referencing other schools of thinking about forgiveness, including religious schools - in Springer's case Christian and Jewish. This seems important precisely because so many of us have learnt about forgiveness in a religious context, even if we have subsequently rejected religion; it can be hard to free ourselves from the shackles of our early programming. It is especially important because Springer's approach stands out as different. She does not see forgiveness as some kind of "must" or "ought to" and, moreover, she seems to see forgiveness as deeply relational, requiring that the offender earn forgiveness.
Springer is previously the author of a book After the Affair and many of her examples relate to marital infidelity, though not all. If I had any critique about the book, I would say that this was very slightly jarring for me. I would also add that I found her examples valuable throughout the book.
The book was also well-informed and largely up-to-date in the context of the rapidly evolving world of neuroscience and trauma. I've no doubt there have been new findings since the book was published in 2004. Nonetheless, the author understands the context of personal trauma and the way it drives behaviours that do harm. This insight is particularly woven through the section on Genuine Forgiveness, requiring of the person being forgiveness that they both explore and share the reasons for their harmful behaviours as part of earning forgiveness.
As a reader, I found this book invaluable in identifying my boundaries in a particular context and gaining clarity that I require committed work in particular relationships if ever we are to build relationships of mutual trust. This was a great gift to me and well worth the price of the book and the time to read it. I have no doubt that it's a book I will refer to again.
April 15, 2023
An important read, but by no means an easy one. Growth necessitates discomfort and this book may challenge aspects of your world view that you thought were immutable. While so much of this book resonated with me - particularly on the option of Acceptance instead of Forgiveness - I found myself also educated on the amount of nuance involved. It was powerful and helpful. I would also add that I would have preferred a subsection that specifically addressed those who have PTSD or had experienced abuse or trauma. It felt a little clunky to have the same answer for minor and major violations although I understand the underlying process is the same. I would recommend to keep in mind that the author is attempting to cast the widest net and therefore also directing the commentary on the most common or most popular concerns. I would say, if something doesn’t apply to you, do not construe that it should. For mental health this is a great supplement, but not a replacement for therapy. For the average individual you will likely find it enlightening.
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October 25, 2024Made it to page 104 of this highly problematic, narrow minded view of acceptance when you have no choice but to let go of the hope that people who have hurt you will ever take accountability and be able to have an uncomfortable conversation that might actually repair a relationship.
Not to mention the fact that finding acceptance completely bypasses the invalidation that is felt by not receiving attunement and being told to take 100% of the responsibility for others not being able to be emotionally intelligent.
Marking this as DNF and moving on to books that have a better understanding of what it's like to live with abandonment and neglect without being labeled as "passive aggressive" for never having the opportunity to navigate situations in a society that has yet to show acceptance for being different.
Not to mention the fact that finding acceptance completely bypasses the invalidation that is felt by not receiving attunement and being told to take 100% of the responsibility for others not being able to be emotionally intelligent.
Marking this as DNF and moving on to books that have a better understanding of what it's like to live with abandonment and neglect without being labeled as "passive aggressive" for never having the opportunity to navigate situations in a society that has yet to show acceptance for being different.
September 20, 2020
This is a powerful book. A godsend to anyone having difficulty healing and moving on from trauma that was done to them, or anyone who has done someone wrong and who seeks forgiveness.
It taught me a lot. I read it twice, back to back. Underlining and highlighting the second time around.
My only quibble is the author typically characterizes the wronged party as female and the wronging party as male. If this book were being written today, I would hope that the use of the neutral singular "they" and "them" would have avoided this gender bias.
It taught me a lot. I read it twice, back to back. Underlining and highlighting the second time around.
My only quibble is the author typically characterizes the wronged party as female and the wronging party as male. If this book were being written today, I would hope that the use of the neutral singular "they" and "them" would have avoided this gender bias.
February 23, 2024
Read this book if you want to learn how to communicate with someone in your life that you want to keep in your life. Don't read this if you have suffered trauma and don't want to stay in contact with the person who caused the trauma. This book makes it seem like you have to forgive and talk to the person that molested (or whatever trauma you suffered) you but really you don't have to do that to live a good life.
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