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Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired My Eating Disorder
In 1989 nineteen-year-old Natasha is obsessively in love with her former teacher, Miss Williams. The tattoo she flashes around says so. Natasha meets Alex, a girl her own age, who questions her about the tattoo. An awkward romance is born.
In this real-life teenage diary Natasha records her panic at a looming LESBIAN relationship. To lose some excess fat, she starves herself of food ... whilst working in a chip shop. And just to make sure she's gay, Natasha drags five boys into bed in the space of a week, a sin for which the sexuality police threaten to kick her out of the university Lesbian and Gay Society.
In this coming out story and love story, Natasha struggles with clumsy attempts at heterosexuality, the sickening effects of weight loss techniques, disapproving shaven-headed lesbians, and sexual harassment in the chip shop.
In this real-life teenage diary Natasha records her panic at a looming LESBIAN relationship. To lose some excess fat, she starves herself of food ... whilst working in a chip shop. And just to make sure she's gay, Natasha drags five boys into bed in the space of a week, a sin for which the sexuality police threaten to kick her out of the university Lesbian and Gay Society.
In this coming out story and love story, Natasha struggles with clumsy attempts at heterosexuality, the sickening effects of weight loss techniques, disapproving shaven-headed lesbians, and sexual harassment in the chip shop.
Kindle Edition
First published March 22, 2012
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About the author
Natasha Holme
5 books66 followersProbably the most prolific diary writer in the history of the world, I have been obsessively recording my crushes on females since the age of fourteen. I currently clock up half a million words per year, but never let on to the woman I'm dating that I jot down everything she says and does.
I LOVED my all-girls public school. Apart from mercilessly hounding Miss Williams, with whom I fell in love at first sight at the age of twelve, I was a model pupil. In my early twenties I swapped my Latin homework for drug-taking and squatting.
Having sported an 'I LOVE MISS WILLIAMS' tattoo on my left wrist for eleven years, I finally tired of the inane questions it encouraged and got a cover-up in 1999.
I'm a list-writing geek and a drummer. I play table tennis and make my own beer. I am not a stalker anymore.
I LOVED my all-girls public school. Apart from mercilessly hounding Miss Williams, with whom I fell in love at first sight at the age of twelve, I was a model pupil. In my early twenties I swapped my Latin homework for drug-taking and squatting.
Having sported an 'I LOVE MISS WILLIAMS' tattoo on my left wrist for eleven years, I finally tired of the inane questions it encouraged and got a cover-up in 1999.
I'm a list-writing geek and a drummer. I play table tennis and make my own beer. I am not a stalker anymore.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
September 6, 2012
In 1989, aged nineteen, I was sporting a tattoo openly on my wrist, which starkly declared my unrequited love for my teacher, Miss Williams. It helped me survive the pain of being torn away from her at the end of my time at school. And it lead to my meeting a young woman my own age, Alex, onto whom I redirected much of my obsessiveness.
I remember the day when the verb 'to stalk' arrived in the UK from the US. I was watching the news and was alarmed to learn of the crime that I had been committing for years.
At nineteen, I was shouting out my attraction to other women whilst, at the same time, struggling with my sexuality and with coming out as lesbian. Brought up with Christianity, I believed it was wrong to be gay and that I needed to be cultivating a heterosexual identity. This book contains detailed accounts of clueless first sexual encounters with young men, not something I have ever come across in either fiction or non-fiction.
Alex was simply beautiful. And I was getting fat. My struggle with my body image, with my self-esteem, and with my sexuality began to find expression in food. Here too the immediacy of this diary bears out all the details, this time of the slide into a bulimic lifestyle. I never acquired the skill of making myself sick, so I needed to devise other means of ridding my body of food. I have received feedback from readers regarding how much the detail in this diary has helped them in the fight for recovery from their own eating disorders. The facts on the pages are a startling mirror.
I had another obsession: writing everything down. I did this by hand in a code based on the Greek alphabet. This book is my edited diary, stripped of real life names and places and of much information unrelated to this story, crafted into a coherent whole. The project took many years to complete, yet presents itself as an actual raw, unedited, private diary that the reader happens to have stumbled upon.
I was thrilled to learn back then that I have a counterpart who lived two hundred years before me, an obsessive lesbian diarist, Anne Lister, who wrote in a secret code, based on the Greek alphabet. Anne's diaries, deciphered and edited by Helena Whitbread, were published in 1988, just before I was living the events in this book.
This is a love story, an eating disorder memoir, and an account of the effects that homophobia can have on relationships and on individuals. In a world without homophobia, internal or external, this story would not have taken place.
I remember the day when the verb 'to stalk' arrived in the UK from the US. I was watching the news and was alarmed to learn of the crime that I had been committing for years.
At nineteen, I was shouting out my attraction to other women whilst, at the same time, struggling with my sexuality and with coming out as lesbian. Brought up with Christianity, I believed it was wrong to be gay and that I needed to be cultivating a heterosexual identity. This book contains detailed accounts of clueless first sexual encounters with young men, not something I have ever come across in either fiction or non-fiction.
Alex was simply beautiful. And I was getting fat. My struggle with my body image, with my self-esteem, and with my sexuality began to find expression in food. Here too the immediacy of this diary bears out all the details, this time of the slide into a bulimic lifestyle. I never acquired the skill of making myself sick, so I needed to devise other means of ridding my body of food. I have received feedback from readers regarding how much the detail in this diary has helped them in the fight for recovery from their own eating disorders. The facts on the pages are a startling mirror.
I had another obsession: writing everything down. I did this by hand in a code based on the Greek alphabet. This book is my edited diary, stripped of real life names and places and of much information unrelated to this story, crafted into a coherent whole. The project took many years to complete, yet presents itself as an actual raw, unedited, private diary that the reader happens to have stumbled upon.
I was thrilled to learn back then that I have a counterpart who lived two hundred years before me, an obsessive lesbian diarist, Anne Lister, who wrote in a secret code, based on the Greek alphabet. Anne's diaries, deciphered and edited by Helena Whitbread, were published in 1988, just before I was living the events in this book.
This is a love story, an eating disorder memoir, and an account of the effects that homophobia can have on relationships and on individuals. In a world without homophobia, internal or external, this story would not have taken place.
May 6, 2012
"The phone rang three times today and each time it was not her."
A book for anyone who has been overwhelmed by the presence - and then the absence - of another person. And who hasn't?
These are diary entries, true events, and yet they have a novelistic precision and a dramatic sense that reveal Natasha Holme as a natural, instinctive writer. She has an eye for telling details, an exact feeling for how much to tell (I'm assuming these diaries are somewhat edited) and a matter-of-fact honesty that keep her voice compelling even when the behaviour she's describing is - frankly - bat-excrement crazy.
We jump into the story without preamble. Natasha and Alex meet, as part of a larger group working in Germany. Everyone will recognise the little things that seem so important when we first feel attracted to someone - the `significant' coincidences, similarities of taste - and there is a definite dramatic and sexual tension in the narrative as it follows the two girls' tentative friendship. But even at this early stage, there is a warning sign: a reference to `beauty' being the opposite of `big'.
The relationship is not consummated in Germany, and the uncertain dance continues, with the protagonists now separated. Natasha announces her intention of losing weight to impress Alex. At this stage Natasha is clearly in a state of heightened romantic and sexual feeling about life as a whole, and seems to be assessing everyone, male and female, in terms of their attractiveness to her. Although thinking constantly about Alex, and still in the throes of a serious crush on an old teacher (she has photos of her blown up and plastered on her walls), Natasha embarks on a programme of sexual experimentation with men, determined to bed five before she next sees Alex. At the same time she is becoming more involved with the Gay and Lesbian society at University, and we see her slightly obsessive tendencies manifesting in her catalogue of what she has learned about one member of the society she finds attractive, a fearlessly `out' lesbian called Vikki. And Natasha's determination to achieve any goal is demonstrated as the deadline for her bedding her five men approaches. These are warning signs of what is to come with her determination to lose weight.
About halfway through the book it starts to become less about Natasha's relationships with people and more about her relationship with food and her weight. I admit I find this less gripping, but it nevertheless has a grimly compelling quality of its own - there were pages I found literally difficult to read as she describes what she does to herself to induce vomiting. The lists of food consumed are of far less interest than the chronicles of sexual and emotional misadventures, but they have their place as a measure of the obsession. And throughout she remains refreshingly honest - as when admitting that she `needs' the male sexual harassment she gets at work to bolster her confidence - and amusingly self aware: "I shall soon be inflicting paralysis by conversation" (as she notes she is talking about food again).
This book is several things - an eye-opener for those of us who have never experienced what `thin=beautiful' can do to someone's self-image, a chronicle of awakening, an examination of the different things we look for in terms of intimacy, and a frankly terrifying description of what a sane and intelligent person can subject themselves to - but most of all it is a crisply-written, honest and unsentimental memoir that will strike many chords in responsive readers of any gender or sexual orientation.
"Hannah the Christian came to visit me at my request. I wish everyone were gay." Without a single wasted word you know everything. Recommended.
A book for anyone who has been overwhelmed by the presence - and then the absence - of another person. And who hasn't?
These are diary entries, true events, and yet they have a novelistic precision and a dramatic sense that reveal Natasha Holme as a natural, instinctive writer. She has an eye for telling details, an exact feeling for how much to tell (I'm assuming these diaries are somewhat edited) and a matter-of-fact honesty that keep her voice compelling even when the behaviour she's describing is - frankly - bat-excrement crazy.
We jump into the story without preamble. Natasha and Alex meet, as part of a larger group working in Germany. Everyone will recognise the little things that seem so important when we first feel attracted to someone - the `significant' coincidences, similarities of taste - and there is a definite dramatic and sexual tension in the narrative as it follows the two girls' tentative friendship. But even at this early stage, there is a warning sign: a reference to `beauty' being the opposite of `big'.
The relationship is not consummated in Germany, and the uncertain dance continues, with the protagonists now separated. Natasha announces her intention of losing weight to impress Alex. At this stage Natasha is clearly in a state of heightened romantic and sexual feeling about life as a whole, and seems to be assessing everyone, male and female, in terms of their attractiveness to her. Although thinking constantly about Alex, and still in the throes of a serious crush on an old teacher (she has photos of her blown up and plastered on her walls), Natasha embarks on a programme of sexual experimentation with men, determined to bed five before she next sees Alex. At the same time she is becoming more involved with the Gay and Lesbian society at University, and we see her slightly obsessive tendencies manifesting in her catalogue of what she has learned about one member of the society she finds attractive, a fearlessly `out' lesbian called Vikki. And Natasha's determination to achieve any goal is demonstrated as the deadline for her bedding her five men approaches. These are warning signs of what is to come with her determination to lose weight.
About halfway through the book it starts to become less about Natasha's relationships with people and more about her relationship with food and her weight. I admit I find this less gripping, but it nevertheless has a grimly compelling quality of its own - there were pages I found literally difficult to read as she describes what she does to herself to induce vomiting. The lists of food consumed are of far less interest than the chronicles of sexual and emotional misadventures, but they have their place as a measure of the obsession. And throughout she remains refreshingly honest - as when admitting that she `needs' the male sexual harassment she gets at work to bolster her confidence - and amusingly self aware: "I shall soon be inflicting paralysis by conversation" (as she notes she is talking about food again).
This book is several things - an eye-opener for those of us who have never experienced what `thin=beautiful' can do to someone's self-image, a chronicle of awakening, an examination of the different things we look for in terms of intimacy, and a frankly terrifying description of what a sane and intelligent person can subject themselves to - but most of all it is a crisply-written, honest and unsentimental memoir that will strike many chords in responsive readers of any gender or sexual orientation.
"Hannah the Christian came to visit me at my request. I wish everyone were gay." Without a single wasted word you know everything. Recommended.
September 30, 2012
I get it's a diary, and in some ways that really conveys really how obsessed she is in this book, but it makes it boring to read and there is no real story in the book, other than obsession. Even before she gets anorexia and bulimia, it's still so, so much obsession, about everything. I can see why it can be a strong story, particularly for people who identify with her, but for me it was kinda pointless to read. Only reason I finished was because I always finish books (unless they're really, really, really bad). As I understand it, this is the actual diaries of the author, and I sincerely hope she has managed to get better since the time described in the book, it's really not a good life when you starve yourself for days, are happy to get anorexia and obsess about everything.
June 15, 2013
‘I feel out of control and it terrifies me.’
This book is a series of diary entries between 30 July 1989 and 13 June 1990, written by Natasha Holmes, a British woman, who was then aged 19. In her diary, which starts with her summer experiences working as part of a group in Germany, she writes of meeting Alex. Alex is the other British woman in the group, and Alex and Natasha are drawn together by their shared experience of having had intense crushes on former teachers. Over the summer, Alex and Natasha develop a very close friendship: might it have the possibility of a sexual element? After they return home, both Alex and Natasha seek to define their sexuality. Many teenagers and young adults would relate to this need to seek and define identity. Most will not become obsessive, fortunately.
At University, Natasha tries to establish her sexual preferences through experimentation with men while exploring the gay community. She also becomes obsessive over Alex, and as Alex starts to move in the direction of her own life Natasha decides to lose weight to make herself more attractive to Alex.
‘If only I were thinner, if only I had a proper body, then I would feel I even had the right to try and win Alex back.’
And then begins Natasha’s descent into the hell of disordered self- image, of bulimia, of obsession with food and weight. I understand that Natasha’s diary was first written in code: I wonder if this assumed privacy enabled her to write so freely of her actions and thoughts? Now, over 20 years later, her thoughts are freed of their encoding and shared. There is a diary entry for most days during this period, and it is painfully clear how Natasha struggled with who she was, her sense of self and where she belonged. Many of her interactions with others are almost interrogations as she tries to seek the information she wants/needs in order to make sense of her world.
‘So many thoughts: indifference, excitement, celibacy!’
It’s a long time since I’ve been a teenager but I still had to read this book in relatively small chunks, to avoid being overwhelmed by memories of teenage angst and inadequacy. I knew that Natasha had survived her experience of acute eating disorder, but I knew some who haven’t. It’s uncomfortable reading, this diary. It stops abruptly, with no sense of what happens next in Natasha’s life. And that is the book I really want to read: How Natasha survived and found herself.
‘In my room I saw the emptiness of the rest of my whole life. I’d have to start my life all over again—and why bother?’
Note: I was offered, and accepted, a copy of this book from the author for review purposes.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
This book is a series of diary entries between 30 July 1989 and 13 June 1990, written by Natasha Holmes, a British woman, who was then aged 19. In her diary, which starts with her summer experiences working as part of a group in Germany, she writes of meeting Alex. Alex is the other British woman in the group, and Alex and Natasha are drawn together by their shared experience of having had intense crushes on former teachers. Over the summer, Alex and Natasha develop a very close friendship: might it have the possibility of a sexual element? After they return home, both Alex and Natasha seek to define their sexuality. Many teenagers and young adults would relate to this need to seek and define identity. Most will not become obsessive, fortunately.
At University, Natasha tries to establish her sexual preferences through experimentation with men while exploring the gay community. She also becomes obsessive over Alex, and as Alex starts to move in the direction of her own life Natasha decides to lose weight to make herself more attractive to Alex.
‘If only I were thinner, if only I had a proper body, then I would feel I even had the right to try and win Alex back.’
And then begins Natasha’s descent into the hell of disordered self- image, of bulimia, of obsession with food and weight. I understand that Natasha’s diary was first written in code: I wonder if this assumed privacy enabled her to write so freely of her actions and thoughts? Now, over 20 years later, her thoughts are freed of their encoding and shared. There is a diary entry for most days during this period, and it is painfully clear how Natasha struggled with who she was, her sense of self and where she belonged. Many of her interactions with others are almost interrogations as she tries to seek the information she wants/needs in order to make sense of her world.
‘So many thoughts: indifference, excitement, celibacy!’
It’s a long time since I’ve been a teenager but I still had to read this book in relatively small chunks, to avoid being overwhelmed by memories of teenage angst and inadequacy. I knew that Natasha had survived her experience of acute eating disorder, but I knew some who haven’t. It’s uncomfortable reading, this diary. It stops abruptly, with no sense of what happens next in Natasha’s life. And that is the book I really want to read: How Natasha survived and found herself.
‘In my room I saw the emptiness of the rest of my whole life. I’d have to start my life all over again—and why bother?’
Note: I was offered, and accepted, a copy of this book from the author for review purposes.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
October 2, 2012
As the editor of the Anne Lister journals I was amazed when I found Natasha Holmes’ book. I learned that, like Anne Lister (1791-1840), Natasha has been an obsessive diarist from her early teenage years. But the startling fact is that, again like Anne Lister, Natasha wrote in a secret code of her own devising. This marked her out, to me, as a modern-day Anne Lister. Natasha’s account of her struggle to realise her lesbian sexuality and to deal with her eating disorder makes for an interesting, honest and sometimes painful read. I contacted her and, finding that she has many more years of her diairies yet to be published, I feel that a discerning literary agent might well find it rewarding to take up the challenge of getting them published. Like Anne Lister, from whose diaries I have published two books from which two documentaries and a film have been made, Natasha’s story could, I believe, become the subject of a film. It is my belief that her work on her own life may well make her a ‘name’ in the world of lesbian writing.
October 7, 2014
This book is exactly what the title says it is - the diary of a girl who developed an eating disorder as she struggled with her sexuality. Although it's a fairly short read, it's an interesting one as well, but quite hard to rate and review.
The closest thing that I can compare this to is the Diary of Anne Frank. Like that particular diary, these are the recorded thoughts of an ordinary person who experiences the same anxieties that everyone else does. Natasha Holme is no more a wise prophet than Anne Frank was, and there are no eureka-like moments that will have you triumphantly snapping your fingers as you realise that's why Hitler hated the Jews/why people are gay/why girls shove two fingers down their throat.
Some parts of it were a touch uncomfortable, especially as you read her attempts to rationalise starving herself for days on end.
I've given this book the same rating that I gave to Anne Frank's Diary. Natasha Holme has published another personal diary and I've just this second downloaded it onto my Kindle.
The closest thing that I can compare this to is the Diary of Anne Frank. Like that particular diary, these are the recorded thoughts of an ordinary person who experiences the same anxieties that everyone else does. Natasha Holme is no more a wise prophet than Anne Frank was, and there are no eureka-like moments that will have you triumphantly snapping your fingers as you realise that's why Hitler hated the Jews/why people are gay/why girls shove two fingers down their throat.
Some parts of it were a touch uncomfortable, especially as you read her attempts to rationalise starving herself for days on end.
I've given this book the same rating that I gave to Anne Frank's Diary. Natasha Holme has published another personal diary and I've just this second downloaded it onto my Kindle.
October 14, 2014
This book was recommended as this months recommendation on the UK Amazon Kindle Forum Group.
I thought I would give it a go as it was only 77p on Kindle. I wasn't expecting very much from it but thought it would be good to leaf through.
However, when I picked it up I could literally not put it down. I was intrigued about Natasha and her life. I was amazed that she was so brave to let the world see her as a teenager. Certain parts of the book made me laugh at my own teenage self and reminded me of the weird things i thought and did at that age but would be too embarrassed to share now.
This book is obsessive in its content and it is obsessive reading too, I finished it in one day. As soon as I finished the book I downloaded her previous book about her life at school as I was dying to learn all about the famous 'Miss Williams.'
This is not my usual genre of book but I cannot recommend it more highly. Well done Natasha, I cannot wait to see if there will be more books released and how things worked out.
I thought I would give it a go as it was only 77p on Kindle. I wasn't expecting very much from it but thought it would be good to leaf through.
However, when I picked it up I could literally not put it down. I was intrigued about Natasha and her life. I was amazed that she was so brave to let the world see her as a teenager. Certain parts of the book made me laugh at my own teenage self and reminded me of the weird things i thought and did at that age but would be too embarrassed to share now.
This book is obsessive in its content and it is obsessive reading too, I finished it in one day. As soon as I finished the book I downloaded her previous book about her life at school as I was dying to learn all about the famous 'Miss Williams.'
This is not my usual genre of book but I cannot recommend it more highly. Well done Natasha, I cannot wait to see if there will be more books released and how things worked out.
September 3, 2012
I have to admit the topic was way outside my usual comfort zone, which tends to be Agatha Christie mysteries a lot of the time.
However, after reading the first half of Natasha Holme's book I ended up getting up at 5am to read the rest. I just had to know how things turned out, and I was very glad to find the author's website and discover she'd made it through those tough years. (For a while there I was wondering whether the diary had been published posthumously.)
I found the book very moving, and I really appreciated the personal insight into the author's life. It must have been tough to put something so personal out there.
However, after reading the first half of Natasha Holme's book I ended up getting up at 5am to read the rest. I just had to know how things turned out, and I was very glad to find the author's website and discover she'd made it through those tough years. (For a while there I was wondering whether the diary had been published posthumously.)
I found the book very moving, and I really appreciated the personal insight into the author's life. It must have been tough to put something so personal out there.
no-thanks
December 28, 2016Read kindle sample and discovered story telling, via a characters diary, doesn't appeal to me. The heroine came across as one dimensional and I couldn't care less about her story despite both topics being a big draw.
Sampled only, no rating.
Sampled only, no rating.
August 30, 2012
Pointless meandering... not well edited. To much mundane stuff. I know it's a diary... but it didn't have to be a whole diary. I cannot recommend this book to anyone.
December 17, 2023
This really was just a repetitive journal with no conclusion.
November 5, 2013
As a queer person suffering from bulimia from the age of 8 (so 12 years now), I really related to big chunks of this book. My first real lesbian relationship ended at the start of February too, just a few months before I started reading Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia, so the heartache Natasha talks about was not only relatable (who DOESN'T find heartache relatable?) but still fresh. This book tore me down when I was incredibly vulnerable, it was a very hard read, but also one that I wanted to continue forever. And then it helped me to put things back together again, but in a different, slightly healthier way. I came out as queer rather than lesbian (the book made me realise how different the two can be and that both were valid and it was okay for me to ID in whatever way feels right) and after a quick dip into WORSE eating disordered behaviours, I finally confronted my need to recover.
I don't know when I finished the book... August? What I do know is that it's November and I haven't purged for two and a half months. I'm finally getting specialist treatment for my ED and of course that's a big help in recovery, but there were days, particularly at the start of treatment, where I'd leave my session thinking I'd nip into the toilets and purge before my train arrived. Instead I would sit down and read this book and I would be sucked in. I've never identified with a protagonist so much before. Natasha is so honest and maybe this is just my interpretation (which would say more about me than the book!) but I think she makes it very clear how bizarre the logic of an eating disorder is - it's as if you want something (food, normalcy, love) so much that you decide you need to not want it anymore. Of course it then takes an even bigger hold of you. I wouldn't recommend this book to someone who hadn't suffered with an eating disorder. It's the best account of one that I've seen (which is funny, because often the ED parts of the book are pushed aside to make room for the feelings, but I think that's why it's so powerful - the ED is a symptom of something much bigger) but I couldn't recommend it to someone who wouldn't "get" that mindset. The book doesn't walk you through what an eating disorder is and it doesn't sugarcoat the ending and leave you thinking "that's okay then, everything was fine in the end, she snapped out of it" the way a lot of eating disorder memoirs do. It's honest. It's a dose of tough love, a reminder about accountability and it has the potential to knock you off your feet and leave you there or pick up right up afterwards and bandage you up. It's closest to Marya Hornbacher's Wasted, I'd say, with a little sprinkle of The Bell Jar. That's a push though, because it's unlike anything else out there.
I am so thankful for this book. I want to keep on going with recovery so that ten years from now I'll be alive and I'll be able to say that this book saved my life. I feel like it already did more for me than years of therapy, medication and hospitalisation did though - when I feel like dipping deep into my ED again, I think back to how bleak this book got and how bleak my LIFE has been. Natasha's honesty will blow you away, even if it does occasionally hit a nerve.
I will never, ever forget it, and I think writing this has made me convince myself to read it again. Third time! I'm so greatful to Natasha for writing this and I'll sing its/her praises every chance I get.
I don't know when I finished the book... August? What I do know is that it's November and I haven't purged for two and a half months. I'm finally getting specialist treatment for my ED and of course that's a big help in recovery, but there were days, particularly at the start of treatment, where I'd leave my session thinking I'd nip into the toilets and purge before my train arrived. Instead I would sit down and read this book and I would be sucked in. I've never identified with a protagonist so much before. Natasha is so honest and maybe this is just my interpretation (which would say more about me than the book!) but I think she makes it very clear how bizarre the logic of an eating disorder is - it's as if you want something (food, normalcy, love) so much that you decide you need to not want it anymore. Of course it then takes an even bigger hold of you. I wouldn't recommend this book to someone who hadn't suffered with an eating disorder. It's the best account of one that I've seen (which is funny, because often the ED parts of the book are pushed aside to make room for the feelings, but I think that's why it's so powerful - the ED is a symptom of something much bigger) but I couldn't recommend it to someone who wouldn't "get" that mindset. The book doesn't walk you through what an eating disorder is and it doesn't sugarcoat the ending and leave you thinking "that's okay then, everything was fine in the end, she snapped out of it" the way a lot of eating disorder memoirs do. It's honest. It's a dose of tough love, a reminder about accountability and it has the potential to knock you off your feet and leave you there or pick up right up afterwards and bandage you up. It's closest to Marya Hornbacher's Wasted, I'd say, with a little sprinkle of The Bell Jar. That's a push though, because it's unlike anything else out there.
I am so thankful for this book. I want to keep on going with recovery so that ten years from now I'll be alive and I'll be able to say that this book saved my life. I feel like it already did more for me than years of therapy, medication and hospitalisation did though - when I feel like dipping deep into my ED again, I think back to how bleak this book got and how bleak my LIFE has been. Natasha's honesty will blow you away, even if it does occasionally hit a nerve.
I will never, ever forget it, and I think writing this has made me convince myself to read it again. Third time! I'm so greatful to Natasha for writing this and I'll sing its/her praises every chance I get.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 15, 2013
Monday July 15, 2013
Dear Diary (Reader) --
Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, because it is actually a compliment: Reading this was kind of like watching television footage of a plane crash, train wreck or natural disaster. I wanted to "look away" but I just couldn't do it.
However, I will also say just as emphatically that morbid curiosity is not what prompted me to keep reading. This is a fascinating look at a young woman's struggle to find love and acceptance and a painful reminder that we cannot get either from anyone else unless we first find it within ourselves. It is a story about human frailty, obsession and our penchant for self-destruction.
By using diary entries to tell her story, the author lets the reader share in her journey on a deeply personal level and provides interesting narrative technique. Readers also get some insight into what the people in Natasha's life were thinking and doing as her eating disorder spins out of control -- but only from her perspective. While we see who enabled her, who rejected her and who ignored her, we are left to wonder why no one made more than a feeble attempt to help her.
The only quibble I had was with the use of the term "stone" as a weight measurement. Without explanation of exactly how much weight that is, readers outside of the U.K. or other countries where this is (or was) a common measurement may not be able to understand the severity of Natasha's eating disorder.
Overall, a well-told story that must have taken tremendous courage to share. Well done.
Dear Diary (Reader) --
Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, because it is actually a compliment: Reading this was kind of like watching television footage of a plane crash, train wreck or natural disaster. I wanted to "look away" but I just couldn't do it.
However, I will also say just as emphatically that morbid curiosity is not what prompted me to keep reading. This is a fascinating look at a young woman's struggle to find love and acceptance and a painful reminder that we cannot get either from anyone else unless we first find it within ourselves. It is a story about human frailty, obsession and our penchant for self-destruction.
By using diary entries to tell her story, the author lets the reader share in her journey on a deeply personal level and provides interesting narrative technique. Readers also get some insight into what the people in Natasha's life were thinking and doing as her eating disorder spins out of control -- but only from her perspective. While we see who enabled her, who rejected her and who ignored her, we are left to wonder why no one made more than a feeble attempt to help her.
The only quibble I had was with the use of the term "stone" as a weight measurement. Without explanation of exactly how much weight that is, readers outside of the U.K. or other countries where this is (or was) a common measurement may not be able to understand the severity of Natasha's eating disorder.
Overall, a well-told story that must have taken tremendous courage to share. Well done.
October 6, 2014
I doubt I would have picked up this book had it not been a suggested group read. It really didn’t seem to have anything in it to interest me. Once I started, I was unable to stop reading it. The first part of the book, dealing with sexuality and its discovery while the writer was at university, took me back to my own university days. They offered the maximum of temptation and the maximum of opportunity. We see the author’s self-doubt, the attempts at chatting up fellow students of both sexes, and fumbling explorations. It made me aware of something I knew on an intellectual level – that we are all the same whether straight or gay. We are all looking for love and for someone to love in return.
I found the second part of the book, although it was heavily dependent upon the feelings in the first, a bit less of a compelling read. I’m a bit of a foodie and I couldn’t relate to the binge eating and attempts to purge the body afterwards. I found it really interesting that, although the author made herself a strict timetable of days when she ate absolutely nothing and interspersed them with the occasional day when she was ‘allowed’ food, she would dread the food days because she knew she would binge.
The book was simply and grippingly written, coming as it does in the form of a diary. Things were not dwelt upon or fluffed out for effect. The starkness was in many cases the strength of the writing. This is a book which will lead you to understanding.
I found the second part of the book, although it was heavily dependent upon the feelings in the first, a bit less of a compelling read. I’m a bit of a foodie and I couldn’t relate to the binge eating and attempts to purge the body afterwards. I found it really interesting that, although the author made herself a strict timetable of days when she ate absolutely nothing and interspersed them with the occasional day when she was ‘allowed’ food, she would dread the food days because she knew she would binge.
The book was simply and grippingly written, coming as it does in the form of a diary. Things were not dwelt upon or fluffed out for effect. The starkness was in many cases the strength of the writing. This is a book which will lead you to understanding.
November 7, 2012
This book is the diary of a 19-yr-old struggling with her sexuality and body image.
As stated in my blog review guidelines I normally don’t read non-fiction, but Natasha Holme, through a Twitter glitch, tied to be my 1700th follower and I offered to review her book as a prize. Because, you know, I’m broke and don’t really have anything else to offer.
I had a hard time deciding on how to rate this book. On one side, the voyeur in me enjoyed reading her diary. On the other side, the teenager is obsessive about her body image and extremely confused about her sexuality and I had a hard time empathizing with her. It’s been a long time since I was a teenager, so I couldn’t wrap my head around her behavior most of the time. In addition, while I have body image issues to this day, I’ve never wanted to indulge in any behavior associated with anorexia or bulimia. I just can’t imagine starving myself and most definitely have never once thought of binging and purging.
It was a hard read and at the same time an easy read. Easy because it was broken into small segments. Hard because of the subject matter. Yet it was compelling. I had to keep reading to see if Natasha reached the weight she had set as her goal. And I wanted to see if she figured out anything regarding her sexuality. The ending didn’t really give me any answers though. I’d like to know how she’s doing today.
As stated in my blog review guidelines I normally don’t read non-fiction, but Natasha Holme, through a Twitter glitch, tied to be my 1700th follower and I offered to review her book as a prize. Because, you know, I’m broke and don’t really have anything else to offer.
I had a hard time deciding on how to rate this book. On one side, the voyeur in me enjoyed reading her diary. On the other side, the teenager is obsessive about her body image and extremely confused about her sexuality and I had a hard time empathizing with her. It’s been a long time since I was a teenager, so I couldn’t wrap my head around her behavior most of the time. In addition, while I have body image issues to this day, I’ve never wanted to indulge in any behavior associated with anorexia or bulimia. I just can’t imagine starving myself and most definitely have never once thought of binging and purging.
It was a hard read and at the same time an easy read. Easy because it was broken into small segments. Hard because of the subject matter. Yet it was compelling. I had to keep reading to see if Natasha reached the weight she had set as her goal. And I wanted to see if she figured out anything regarding her sexuality. The ending didn’t really give me any answers though. I’d like to know how she’s doing today.
March 22, 2013
I believe that everyone should read this book, or at the very least anyone who knows someone who has struggled with an eating disorder (which is everyone, whether they know it or not.)
Natasha's diary allows us entry into the mind of a young woman attempting to find herself. The fact that she is a lesbian makes growing up so much harder for her, the person that she is, is not a person that those around her can accept. People judge her for being too gay and for not being gay enough. Confused, unable to express her feelings of love she becomes obsessive.
Natasha's diary is very direct, more a series of facts, no flowery prose here. It takes a little while to get used to but ultimately the writing style makes the story even stronger. The bare bones information, emotions expressed as simple statements makes what we read all the more heartbreaking. So many times I just wanted to grab hold of Natasha and shake her, teach her what a balanced diet is. But I know it wouldn't have helped her, that’s how it is with eating disorders, logic flies out the window and fixation takes control.
Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired My Eating Disorder is an intense read, with a raw honesty, a splattering of romance and hope and an excellent, truly fitting ending.
Natasha's diary allows us entry into the mind of a young woman attempting to find herself. The fact that she is a lesbian makes growing up so much harder for her, the person that she is, is not a person that those around her can accept. People judge her for being too gay and for not being gay enough. Confused, unable to express her feelings of love she becomes obsessive.
Natasha's diary is very direct, more a series of facts, no flowery prose here. It takes a little while to get used to but ultimately the writing style makes the story even stronger. The bare bones information, emotions expressed as simple statements makes what we read all the more heartbreaking. So many times I just wanted to grab hold of Natasha and shake her, teach her what a balanced diet is. But I know it wouldn't have helped her, that’s how it is with eating disorders, logic flies out the window and fixation takes control.
Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired My Eating Disorder is an intense read, with a raw honesty, a splattering of romance and hope and an excellent, truly fitting ending.
September 23, 2012
Imagine you find someones diary... Are you the kind of person that would be unable to respect their privacy? Would you want to at least skim it for juicy details? Well I guess that's me. I had just intended to check out the first chapter or two, but before I knew it, I found that I could not stop snooping in on the author's life!
I also agree with another reviewer that pointed out how well this 'diary' was written. It contains fragments and snippets and is obviously very informal, but the author's way of presenting the pieces of this story still manage to flow like a novel. I found myself invested in her story. At several points I wanted to slap Alex and help the author forget all about her!
I skimmed over several of the sections with the actual details of the eating disorder, but it was slightly interesting. I'm impressed with the author's ability to put it all out there, and her story telling is engaging.
I also agree with another reviewer that pointed out how well this 'diary' was written. It contains fragments and snippets and is obviously very informal, but the author's way of presenting the pieces of this story still manage to flow like a novel. I found myself invested in her story. At several points I wanted to slap Alex and help the author forget all about her!
I skimmed over several of the sections with the actual details of the eating disorder, but it was slightly interesting. I'm impressed with the author's ability to put it all out there, and her story telling is engaging.
August 4, 2015
I didn't want to give this book five stars. Most of that is fear. I am afraid that young people might try to emulate this author's eating disorder. The rest of this diary was an interesting read. I envy the younger generation and they way they are freer to try out their wings, sexual or otherwise. It is interesting watching how this student learns who she is and who she is more comfortable loving. I love how she is open with her partners to be about how it is more of an experiment to her than an emotional attachment. I like that she chooses to be protected in her quest to find herself. But when she gets hung up in her self-image and eating or not to be the size she thinks she ought to be, whoa, what a train-wreck.
So my five stars comes with a warning: please stay healthy and don't get hung up in how you should look to others. Stay strong, eat healthily. Accept yourself.
So my five stars comes with a warning: please stay healthy and don't get hung up in how you should look to others. Stay strong, eat healthily. Accept yourself.
November 1, 2013
This is a diary in a disturbingly off-hand and scarily reasonable-sounding narrative. The subject matter and the subject get deeper and more embroiled in all-consuming objectives that lead the reader through a traumatic and shocking journey. A straight, married man may lack empathy with all the subject matter but this can not fail to draw even me in and give me an insight into the mind of obsessive behaviour. That said, and despite all the harrowing details, there is a lot of humour to be found in here. The ultimately doomed flirtation with hetrosexuality and the internal politics of LGBT groups at college are a light relief but again offered in quite a stark realism. Not something I would have usually picked from the shelf but very glad I read it.
February 11, 2014
This is an excellent read - poignant, honest, fascinating. I read it in one day. I've only read one other book by someone with an eating disorder, which wasn't written in the diary format used by Natasha, but there were striking similarities in that path from borderline rational weight management to the irrational preoccupations associated with anorexia and bulimia.
Four stars rather than five as it feels like part of the story, which I suppose it is, and it does make complete sense, but it needs a start and an end, or at least a 'to be continued'. There is some strange formatting in here too, but I did like the use of > and < as punctuation / shorthand.
A wonderful insight, well written and definitely worth a read.
Four stars rather than five as it feels like part of the story, which I suppose it is, and it does make complete sense, but it needs a start and an end, or at least a 'to be continued'. There is some strange formatting in here too, but I did like the use of > and < as punctuation / shorthand.
A wonderful insight, well written and definitely worth a read.
August 11, 2012
Excellent read! I love the way the author was able to bring me into her world by making me feel like I was sneaking into her diary while actually carrying me through her story. There is a true story line and a definitive end. This is a great book to recommend for anyone battling with an eating disorder or with their sexuality. I was able to relate to some of the author's experiences which brought me further into the book. It's not easy to bear your heart and sole but the author has done an amazing job at letting the reader feel her happiness and hurt with her too.
July 13, 2012
What a fascinating insight into the life of a young girl at university, struggling with both her weight/eating and her sexuality. It really opened my eyes to a world that I really know nothing about, while I have felt unhappy about my weight sometimes and wish it was easier to lose those last few pounds I could never bring myself to use the extreme measures that Natasha relied on. It really helped to raise my awareness about eating disorders and how people who suffer from them might be feeling. I will be keenly awaiting the 2nd book.
September 8, 2013
received free copy courtesy of author
My Opinion
I've said before that I love memoirs. I haven't read any in
the LGBT category so this is new for me.
I enjoyed it. It is fascinating and compelling.
It is basically snippets and fragments and is very informal
but the author presents it in a way that works.
The diary flows easily and you're not lost in the details and everything is coherent and understandable
Read more reviews at We Blog About Books
My Opinion
I've said before that I love memoirs. I haven't read any in
the LGBT category so this is new for me.
I enjoyed it. It is fascinating and compelling.
It is basically snippets and fragments and is very informal
but the author presents it in a way that works.
The diary flows easily and you're not lost in the details and everything is coherent and understandable
Read more reviews at We Blog About Books
August 13, 2015
First off I would like to say I read this authors first book and really enjoyed it so even though I am not lesbian or bulimic I was compelled to read the next segment of Natasha's diary for pure curiosity of how her life has progressed if nothing else. The writing is so honest and unfiltered which makes the reading so much more interesting. I look forward to following Natasha in the next book I believe is in France.
I received this ebook from the author for my honest review which I have given here.
I received this ebook from the author for my honest review which I have given here.
April 18, 2014
I thought the book would be a little bit more interesting, but I think it shows really well how quickly an eating disorder can develop and how time consuming it can be. In the end, this is just a diary of a really insecure and mentally ill girl.
I hoped I could relate a little bit more to the story, but she is very different from me. Still interesting to read about how things went for her. I'm interested to know how she's doing now.
I hoped I could relate a little bit more to the story, but she is very different from me. Still interesting to read about how things went for her. I'm interested to know how she's doing now.
June 2, 2012
How do you review someone's diary? It's really hard to do. I alternately want to shake the author, and hug her. I found it utterly fascinating and compelling. It's an interesting look at someone discovering their sexuality. I don't really know how to review it but I am glad that Natasha was willing to share her troubles and her life with us.
June 17, 2014
it's a very harsh book and i'd say you have to be in a healthy state of mind to read it. i like how honest and raw it is but i would like to know about her recovery. but maybe this style of writing is the most realistic - it's an actual diary, and not all stories have a happy ending. i admire the author's courage to publish it.
June 22, 2012
As someone else said here, this is such a personal book that it is very difficult to comment on - it just feels 'wrong' somehow, in a way I can't really explain. On the other hand, it deserves to be rated, so I guess that is what this is - a rating, and nothing more!
October 4, 2012
This book is exactly what it sounds like from the title. It's kind of awful yet addictive, and I totally felt for the author's obsessive 20-year-old self (the diary is over 20 years old).
October 26, 2015
2012 Rainbow Awards Honorable Mention (5* from at least 1 judge)
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