Alternate title: "Eight Million Ways to Die."
Unlike what seems like half the country, I have not read "The Shipping News" or anything else by E. Annie Proulx. But when I saw "Accordion Crimes" for sale for $1 on a library surplus books table, I picked it up and read the first page and was hooked. She offered a muscular prose style, but one that was in service to propelling the plot and giving life to the characters. The first line in particular, telling about the Sicilian who makes the accordion of the title, really grabbed me: “It was as if his eye were an ear and a crackle went through it each time he shot a look at the accordion."
And her description of how the Sicilian makes the little green accordion seemed to have a wonderful rhythm of its own: "He had cut the grille with a jeweler's saw from a sheet of brass, worked a design of peacocks and olive leaves. The hasps and escutcheons that fastened the bellows frames to the case ends, the brass screws, the zinc reed plate, the delicate axle, the reeds themselves, of steel, and the aged Circassian walnut for the case, he had purchased all of these. But he had constructed and fashioned the rest."
Through the next 500 pages, her writing style never flagged -- for instance, she writes of an obese elderly woman who has ''skin like a slipcover over a rump-sprung sofa.'' But I did.
For the longest time I thought this book, which strings together vignettes of lives through the 20th century by linking them with how the accordion is passed along from hand to hand, was a way to examine the role that immigrants played in making America the vital place it is today. I should have taken as a warning a line from early in the book: .''America is a place of lies and bitter disappointment,'' shouts an Italian who is imprisoned with the Sicilian accordion-maker during a riot in New Orleans. ''It promises everything but eats you alive.''
That becomes Proulx's theme. There's not a kid who isn't abused or neglected, not an adult who isn't disappointed or weirded out in some way. And with only one or two exceptions, everyone dies in a strange and brutal way: chainsaw suicide, plutonium poisoning, electrocution by worm probe. The only two characters who die in their beds don't die gently -- one is bitten three times by a poisonous spider and the other, nearly dead from cancer, is slaughtered by her ax-wielding husband, who then leaps to his own death from the top of his grain silo. Even minor characters are subjected to this sort of grim and grisly fate: The grandson of German immigrants who once owned the green accordion visits Yellowstone Park, where he ''dropped a roll of film, trod on it, lost his balance and fell headlong into a seething hot spring, and despite eyes parboiled blind and the knowledge of impending death, clambered out -- leaving the skin of his hands like red gloves on the stony edge -- only to fall into another, hotter pool.''
When I was about halfway through the book, still enamored of her magical grasp of how music informs our lives and her ability to describe that feeling, I would have given this book five stars. But by the time I got 3/4 of the way through, all those awful deaths began piling up on me and I was ready to dock her a star for that and for her habit of dumping long, pointless lists into her pages as if trying to pad out her word count. When I finally got to page 541, I had knocked another star off for the repeated and dispiriting demeaning of blacks by the other immigrants. We see little or nothing in the few black characters in this book to contradict those bigoted jibes, and that disappointed me as well.
In short, by the end, this squeezebox of a book lost its sprightly tune and became just one long, annoying wheeze.