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The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It
Leslie Vernick, counselor and social worker, has witnessed the devastating effects of emotional abuse. Many, including many in the church, have not addressed this form of destruction in families and relationships because it is difficult to talk about. With godly guidance and practical experience, Vernick offers an empathetic approach to recognizing an emotionally destructive relationship and addresses the symptoms and the damage with biblical tools. Readers will understand how Reveal behaviors that are meant to control, punish, and hurt Confront and speak truth when the timing is right Determine when to keep trying, when to get out Get safe and stay safe Build an identity in Christ This practical and thorough resource will help countless individuals, families, and churches view abuse from God's perspective and understand how vital it is for victims to embrace His freedom from the physical, emotional, spiritual, and generational effects of emotionally destructive relationships.
258 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 15, 2007
234 people are currently reading
961 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 63 reviews
August 29, 2015
This is a great book if you're not clear on the definition of emotional abuse, or if you are in a toxic relationship and feel stuck and don't know what to do. It's also informative on how you can work on your "issues" as well as working on your relationship with an abusive person. Leslie Vernick has a lot of Biblically based, practical advice on the subject. It really opened my eyes to somethings and encouraged me to continue to take responsibility for my soul and life. One quote I particularly enjoyed was, "It is impossible to be spiritually mature when we are emotionally unhealthy." This is definitely an issue in the lives and hearts of many Christian believers. Not all, but a significant number believers seem to have a mindset that they can ignore their soul and toxic thinking and still grow in Christ.
January 14, 2013
There was one person in my life who seemed set on destroying me, at least emotionally. I've never met anyone like this person. I thought the problem was all me. While I am part of the problem, having someone bent on stirring up and causing trouble in my life is not something I was ready for. I've also gotten alot of flack for not doing whatever to keep this from happening, to keep the peace, etc. I don't think they saw what I saw, there was no way to stop it without totally disengaging, and now I feel stronger and built up in the Lord, and I know that I can and will survive!
This book was a big help in realizing that I was right in stopping it by stepping back. There was no other way unless I wanted to be totally be torn down and torn apart. It's one of the first steps I had to take in order to survive and also to stay close to the Lord. I wish nothing but blessings on the other person.
This book was a big help in realizing that I was right in stopping it by stepping back. There was no other way unless I wanted to be totally be torn down and torn apart. It's one of the first steps I had to take in order to survive and also to stay close to the Lord. I wish nothing but blessings on the other person.
December 20, 2013
Difficult to read, to think and pray on, and to come face to face with. Having said that, I think there is much to be gained from Vernick's approach, advice, insight and instruction.
What I particularly like (and loathe) is the focus on MY contribution(s) to these difficult relationships and how I can improve my inner life as well as with other people.
Hard as heck to put into action sometimes, but well worth the effort! Now that I'm done and have spent a couple of weeks consciously applying Vernick's concepts and strategies, I can say some of the work pretty well and some I need to do more work on.
I feel much more empowered and much more mindful of the big picture, with more tools in my belt to improve my actions and responses, and -- maybe most importantly to me right now -- I don't think it's "all my fault". Stay tuned, that could change! lol.
What I particularly like (and loathe) is the focus on MY contribution(s) to these difficult relationships and how I can improve my inner life as well as with other people.
Hard as heck to put into action sometimes, but well worth the effort! Now that I'm done and have spent a couple of weeks consciously applying Vernick's concepts and strategies, I can say some of the work pretty well and some I need to do more work on.
I feel much more empowered and much more mindful of the big picture, with more tools in my belt to improve my actions and responses, and -- maybe most importantly to me right now -- I don't think it's "all my fault". Stay tuned, that could change! lol.
January 19, 2013
I just finished reading Leslie's book and all I can say is that she has such insight and wisdom. I have a family member who abused me. I cut off the relationship over a decade ago; however, the person continues to cause me grief because she uses other people to get to me. It has been a rough road, but I have grown tremendously because of it. This book shows you what an emotionally destructive relationship looks like and how to deal with it. The advice is Biblical and practical. What I found interesting is that Leslie's just affirmed most of my decisions to get out and to get healthy. If you are struggling with any type of relationship (from abuse all the way down to the person that seems to suck you dry) then this book will help tremendously!
Currently reading
July 11, 2011I came to a particular part in this book a few days ago and stopped. I haven't picked it up since. I am in a place I must face and it is very difficult for me, but this is something I must do. I know this. So, I am picking the book back up tonight and moving foward. This book is a must for anyone and everyone looking to get into, having problems in, or trying to understand different types, of relationships.
Relationships in:
Family (Parents / Kids)
Marriage
Friends
Self
Relationships in:
Family (Parents / Kids)
Marriage
Friends
Self
July 24, 2011
One of the most tragic recommendations I make as a Biblical counselor is for someone to read this book. That recommendation means that after discussing their situation, I believe that two Christians aren't living as disciples of Christ; that they have failed to show the world how we are to love another (John 13:34-35). So for this reason, it is one of the most important resources for pastors and counselors to be familiar with and to recommend in their counseling and discipleship of others.
January 24, 2008
Excellent book to help in counseling those entangled in abusive relationships at any level. Presents a good blend of pragmatic steps to be taken and theological/relational truth . I am considering using it for a support group.
August 7, 2023
Such an insightful book! Leslie Vernick discusses emotional abuse which can be a heavy and often hard topic to discuss and navigate. She shares examples of individuals regarding their situations and practical ways to address the emotional abuse that they are facing. She also ties everything back to scripture and reminds us that God cares deeply for us, no matter our situation. Whether you’ve experienced emotional abuse, or you know someone who has, this is a great resource!
June 4, 2018
The need this book fills is HUGE. How to identify if you are in an emotionally destructive relationship is essential for millions who are struggling in all sorts of relationships with others who know the language of denial, twisting truth, scapegoating, gaslighting, shaming and blaming, and the way to dismantle your personhood. This book gives a clear pathway for understanding it, ways to stop it going on in your life, and how to survive it. It isn't a one size fits all, but the principles and practical steps for your healing will certainly lead to a healthier life.
April 22, 2018
My sister gave this book to me after seeing worrisome signs in my relationship with my then fiancé. This book was part of what gave me courage to end the relationship before getting married. Now I am married to a wonderful, godly, loving man. Thank God for books like these; ones that confront hard truths in an undeniably Biblical light.
May 20, 2022
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)
This book has been very helpful to me personally. Recently, I have come to realize how profoundly my soul has been affected from many years of mistreatment by someone close to me. I've known I've been sinned against, and that it's been bad at times, but I hadn't connected just how bad it was to how the Bible speaks of profound emotional mistreatment (abuse). The Bible has a lot to say about emotional and verbal mistreatment!
In this book, Leslie Vernick's stated aim is to explain the mess of destructive relationships from a biblical and not psychological perspective (14). Though she relies on and quotes from a number of sources other than the Bible, I found much of the book to be her reasoning from the Scriptures. Though I gather that Vernick is no longer strictly a biblical counselor (however she once did work as a counselor with CCEF), she has written a lot in this book that sounds just like CCEF- or ACBC-informed biblical counseling. Most notable is the strong emphasis on the heart and that it is the source of why we do what we do. Yet, there are signs of her dependence upon psychology. In addition to many of her sources being secular, Vernick uses the term “client” instead of something like “counselee” and tells us the psychological name for various conditions. She encourages those letting go of things like entitlement, lies, etc. to “make a promise to yourself” to do so (209). There are other examples. I sought to read this book with discernment, and found myself not agreeing with everything. Occasionally, I think Vernick overstated some things. Vernick is a licensed clinical social worker, so it would be expected that the tools of that training find their way into this book. This isn’t necessarily a criticism; more so an observation.
The book is replete with biblical references, most of which I took the time to look up to see how she was handling them. Doing so was instructive for me! Here is a list of some Bible verses mentioned that I jotted down as especially relevant for understanding the nature of destructive relationships and how to respond to them:
• Proverbs 25:18 - false witness is like physical violence
• Genesis 16:6 - Sarai dealt “harshly” with Hagar
• Psalm 27:1 - “whom shall I fear?”
• Isaiah 5:20 - woe to those who call evil good and who put bitter for sweet
• Proverbs 18:14 - “a crushed spirit who can bear?”
• Proverbs 12:26 - the righteous chooses friends carefully
• Proverbs 22:24-25 - no friendship with a man given to anger
• Proverbs 16:29 - a man of violence entices his neighbor
• Jeremiah 15:21 - God's desire is to deliver from wicked men
• Proverbs 29:1 - not taking criticism will lead to downfall
• Psalm 36:2 - the proud flatter themselves
• Proverbs 29:22 - an angry person causes much transgression
• Proverbs 4:14-17 - Do not go on the path of the wicked
• Proverbs 25:26 - Don’t give up standing up before the wicked
• Proverbs 14:7 - Leave the presence of a fool
• Proverbs 22:24-25 - Make no friendship with a man given to anger
• 1 Corinthians 15:33 - Bad company ruins good morals
• Proverbs 26:21-28 - A quarrelsome man; sometimes gracious words, but evil heart - believe him not
• Psalm 94:16-19 - God stands up for us against evil doers
• Psalm 91:9-10 - If you make the Lord your refuge, no evil will conquer you
• 1 Samuel 25:17ff (see story of wife Abigail’s interactions with David) - Nabal was such a wicked/worthless man that no one could talk to him!
• 1 Peter 2:1 - Rid yourself of all deceit
• Luke 6:28 - Pray for those who abuse you (see verses 27-36)
• 1 Corinthians 4:12 - Bless those who revile you
One of the things this book has helped me see is the distinction between a difficult relationship and a destructive one. All are sinful, so there will be some pain in every relationship. That is unavoidable until Christ returns due to indwelling sin. One of the distinctions between a difficult relationship that has sin and a destructive one is whether there are "dominant life themes that repeat themselves over and over again" (88). Another distinction is how people respond when pointed out their sin: “when we are told what we are doing is wrong, or if we see we are hurting a person, many of us [destructive people] close our ears, refuse to hear the truth, become defensive, rationalize, blame others, make excuses, or lie about our actions.” (74) However, even a destructive relationship does not equal abuse (28). Biblically, there is a hardness of heart in which a destructive person is blind or refuses to see or take personal responsibility for habitual sins. According to Vernick, there are three kinds of relationships with abuse (28):
• One person continually seeks power over the other and uses abusive tactics to control and intimidate
• Mutually abusive behavior
• One-time abusive incidents
Though the word "abuse" isn't necessarily a well-defined biblical category, the actual word is used in a number of Bible verses in modern English Bible translations. There is a complexity to the biblical usage, but the Bible has a category for chronic/persistent sinful behavior that hurts, demeans, and tears down others. In all such cases, God clearly and unequivocally prohibits what may be termed abuse.
I could include a lot longer list of quotes from this book that I found intriguing and/or helpful. But, I will instead include only a few lessons I'm still chewing on:
• While we are always to love our enemies (which may include a person abusing us), that does not mean we have to have close relationships with them (36).
• You cannot control a destructive person and make them stop, but you can recognize whether you've given their perspective too much weight and begin to control your responses and your own behaviors (70). You can influence another positively, but you can only work on your own heart (85).
• Working out our own salvation (cf. Philippians 2:12) includes emotional health (70). "It is impossible to be spiritually mature when we are emotionally unhealthy." (88)
• Genuine repentance and change involves not only stopping destructive/abusive behavior, but also replacing it with loving behavior (103). Think the "put off" and "put on" commands of Ephesians 4 and Colossians 3. Genuine repentance doesn't mean one never does destructive or sinful things again, but such behavior is seen as evil, no longer excused, confessed, and put to death (113).
• Those affected by a destructive/abusive person have fearful hearts. "Our fears of rejection keep us pretending and hiding (especially in the area of our feelings, thoughts, and desires). Instead of having freedom to be and become who God made us to be, we strive to be who we think the other person wants us to be. We want the other person to like us, stay with us." (109-110)
• The Bible is clear that God has established authority, headship, and submission. God's Word gives specific instructions to those in authority and "no leader is entitled to make selfish demands, order people around, or hurt them when they fail" (128-129). Some husbands claim to be exercising headship, when in reality they’re practicing selfishness, insisting on their own way. "When a husband bullies his wife, his behavior does not describe biblical headship, nor is her forced 'submission' characteristic of biblical submission." (129)
• People often act abusively toward others because they think they can get away with it. “The abuser learns that rage works” (29). Don't let them and do not be afraid to hold someone accountable to the appropriate authority, even to the law. This is good for both you and for the other person (131).
• There is a difference between peacemaking and mere peacekeeping. "As believers we are called to pursue peace, which may mean risking conflict in order to bring about a genuine peace (Psalm 34:14; Hebrews 12:14)" - i.e., speaking and standing up against abuse (148).
• Actions over time demonstrate repentance, not mere words (Matthew 7:20; 1 Corinthians 4:20).
• Biblical love confronts and does not enable further abuse by saying nothing (174-175).
• Spiritual maturity doesn’t lessen our emotions in the midst of mistreatment; it means we do the other person good and not harm, even if the relationship is broken (202).
• We want to be like Christ who had no sin and did not revile in return to the revilers (1 Peter 2:21-23).
• With God's Word, root out lies that shape you, whether about yourself, God, others, life, etc. (206).
• There is an important distinction between conflict and abuse: "Conflict is always about an issue. If someone is picking on you or putting you down, you are not experiencing conflict; you are experiencing disrespect or abuse." (214)
• People are not equally strong. "Each of us has different thresholds for emotional pain as well as tolerance for stress." (238)
There is also a helpful questionnaire included at the end of chapter 1 to help identify whether a relationship is healthy, unhealthy, destructive, or abusive (one-sided or mutual), and whether there is the presence of controlling, deceitful, or overdependent behavior.
In addition to the above, I also appreciated Vernick's careful thinking about the following topics (and more):
• Contrast between healthy and unhealthy people (78)
• Heart idol of anger (93-96)
• Venting (149)
• How to speak up and confront (150ff)
• How to stand up and step back (162ff)
• Genuine repentance (171ff)
• Biblical resolution of conflicts (215-216)
• Interacting with a destructive/abusive person (217ff)
Other than the occasional overstatements, one critique I have of this book is that in part 1 Vernick on many occasions will mention a topic and make a point about it, only to say that there will be a lot more to say on it in part 2 and/or 3. This pattern continues even into part 2. She is not the only author who does this, but I find this technique tedious and frustrating when done countless times. Another critique is that Vernick would introduce a person and their story and then chapters later mention them again. Since I read this book over several weeks, I didn’t remember who these people were, which made a few of Vernick’s points a little hard to follow (but not a big deal).
Though biblical discernment is needed, I would in general recommend this book for those who want to understand and respond biblically to destructive and/or abusive relationships. As with all books, check what is said with the unfailing Word of God. For the many places in which this book helped illuminate the meaning and implications of biblical texts, I am thankful to God.
This book has been very helpful to me personally. Recently, I have come to realize how profoundly my soul has been affected from many years of mistreatment by someone close to me. I've known I've been sinned against, and that it's been bad at times, but I hadn't connected just how bad it was to how the Bible speaks of profound emotional mistreatment (abuse). The Bible has a lot to say about emotional and verbal mistreatment!
In this book, Leslie Vernick's stated aim is to explain the mess of destructive relationships from a biblical and not psychological perspective (14). Though she relies on and quotes from a number of sources other than the Bible, I found much of the book to be her reasoning from the Scriptures. Though I gather that Vernick is no longer strictly a biblical counselor (however she once did work as a counselor with CCEF), she has written a lot in this book that sounds just like CCEF- or ACBC-informed biblical counseling. Most notable is the strong emphasis on the heart and that it is the source of why we do what we do. Yet, there are signs of her dependence upon psychology. In addition to many of her sources being secular, Vernick uses the term “client” instead of something like “counselee” and tells us the psychological name for various conditions. She encourages those letting go of things like entitlement, lies, etc. to “make a promise to yourself” to do so (209). There are other examples. I sought to read this book with discernment, and found myself not agreeing with everything. Occasionally, I think Vernick overstated some things. Vernick is a licensed clinical social worker, so it would be expected that the tools of that training find their way into this book. This isn’t necessarily a criticism; more so an observation.
The book is replete with biblical references, most of which I took the time to look up to see how she was handling them. Doing so was instructive for me! Here is a list of some Bible verses mentioned that I jotted down as especially relevant for understanding the nature of destructive relationships and how to respond to them:
• Proverbs 25:18 - false witness is like physical violence
• Genesis 16:6 - Sarai dealt “harshly” with Hagar
• Psalm 27:1 - “whom shall I fear?”
• Isaiah 5:20 - woe to those who call evil good and who put bitter for sweet
• Proverbs 18:14 - “a crushed spirit who can bear?”
• Proverbs 12:26 - the righteous chooses friends carefully
• Proverbs 22:24-25 - no friendship with a man given to anger
• Proverbs 16:29 - a man of violence entices his neighbor
• Jeremiah 15:21 - God's desire is to deliver from wicked men
• Proverbs 29:1 - not taking criticism will lead to downfall
• Psalm 36:2 - the proud flatter themselves
• Proverbs 29:22 - an angry person causes much transgression
• Proverbs 4:14-17 - Do not go on the path of the wicked
• Proverbs 25:26 - Don’t give up standing up before the wicked
• Proverbs 14:7 - Leave the presence of a fool
• Proverbs 22:24-25 - Make no friendship with a man given to anger
• 1 Corinthians 15:33 - Bad company ruins good morals
• Proverbs 26:21-28 - A quarrelsome man; sometimes gracious words, but evil heart - believe him not
• Psalm 94:16-19 - God stands up for us against evil doers
• Psalm 91:9-10 - If you make the Lord your refuge, no evil will conquer you
• 1 Samuel 25:17ff (see story of wife Abigail’s interactions with David) - Nabal was such a wicked/worthless man that no one could talk to him!
• 1 Peter 2:1 - Rid yourself of all deceit
• Luke 6:28 - Pray for those who abuse you (see verses 27-36)
• 1 Corinthians 4:12 - Bless those who revile you
One of the things this book has helped me see is the distinction between a difficult relationship and a destructive one. All are sinful, so there will be some pain in every relationship. That is unavoidable until Christ returns due to indwelling sin. One of the distinctions between a difficult relationship that has sin and a destructive one is whether there are "dominant life themes that repeat themselves over and over again" (88). Another distinction is how people respond when pointed out their sin: “when we are told what we are doing is wrong, or if we see we are hurting a person, many of us [destructive people] close our ears, refuse to hear the truth, become defensive, rationalize, blame others, make excuses, or lie about our actions.” (74) However, even a destructive relationship does not equal abuse (28). Biblically, there is a hardness of heart in which a destructive person is blind or refuses to see or take personal responsibility for habitual sins. According to Vernick, there are three kinds of relationships with abuse (28):
• One person continually seeks power over the other and uses abusive tactics to control and intimidate
• Mutually abusive behavior
• One-time abusive incidents
Though the word "abuse" isn't necessarily a well-defined biblical category, the actual word is used in a number of Bible verses in modern English Bible translations. There is a complexity to the biblical usage, but the Bible has a category for chronic/persistent sinful behavior that hurts, demeans, and tears down others. In all such cases, God clearly and unequivocally prohibits what may be termed abuse.
I could include a lot longer list of quotes from this book that I found intriguing and/or helpful. But, I will instead include only a few lessons I'm still chewing on:
• While we are always to love our enemies (which may include a person abusing us), that does not mean we have to have close relationships with them (36).
• You cannot control a destructive person and make them stop, but you can recognize whether you've given their perspective too much weight and begin to control your responses and your own behaviors (70). You can influence another positively, but you can only work on your own heart (85).
• Working out our own salvation (cf. Philippians 2:12) includes emotional health (70). "It is impossible to be spiritually mature when we are emotionally unhealthy." (88)
• Genuine repentance and change involves not only stopping destructive/abusive behavior, but also replacing it with loving behavior (103). Think the "put off" and "put on" commands of Ephesians 4 and Colossians 3. Genuine repentance doesn't mean one never does destructive or sinful things again, but such behavior is seen as evil, no longer excused, confessed, and put to death (113).
• Those affected by a destructive/abusive person have fearful hearts. "Our fears of rejection keep us pretending and hiding (especially in the area of our feelings, thoughts, and desires). Instead of having freedom to be and become who God made us to be, we strive to be who we think the other person wants us to be. We want the other person to like us, stay with us." (109-110)
• The Bible is clear that God has established authority, headship, and submission. God's Word gives specific instructions to those in authority and "no leader is entitled to make selfish demands, order people around, or hurt them when they fail" (128-129). Some husbands claim to be exercising headship, when in reality they’re practicing selfishness, insisting on their own way. "When a husband bullies his wife, his behavior does not describe biblical headship, nor is her forced 'submission' characteristic of biblical submission." (129)
• People often act abusively toward others because they think they can get away with it. “The abuser learns that rage works” (29). Don't let them and do not be afraid to hold someone accountable to the appropriate authority, even to the law. This is good for both you and for the other person (131).
• There is a difference between peacemaking and mere peacekeeping. "As believers we are called to pursue peace, which may mean risking conflict in order to bring about a genuine peace (Psalm 34:14; Hebrews 12:14)" - i.e., speaking and standing up against abuse (148).
• Actions over time demonstrate repentance, not mere words (Matthew 7:20; 1 Corinthians 4:20).
• Biblical love confronts and does not enable further abuse by saying nothing (174-175).
• Spiritual maturity doesn’t lessen our emotions in the midst of mistreatment; it means we do the other person good and not harm, even if the relationship is broken (202).
• We want to be like Christ who had no sin and did not revile in return to the revilers (1 Peter 2:21-23).
• With God's Word, root out lies that shape you, whether about yourself, God, others, life, etc. (206).
• There is an important distinction between conflict and abuse: "Conflict is always about an issue. If someone is picking on you or putting you down, you are not experiencing conflict; you are experiencing disrespect or abuse." (214)
• People are not equally strong. "Each of us has different thresholds for emotional pain as well as tolerance for stress." (238)
There is also a helpful questionnaire included at the end of chapter 1 to help identify whether a relationship is healthy, unhealthy, destructive, or abusive (one-sided or mutual), and whether there is the presence of controlling, deceitful, or overdependent behavior.
In addition to the above, I also appreciated Vernick's careful thinking about the following topics (and more):
• Contrast between healthy and unhealthy people (78)
• Heart idol of anger (93-96)
• Venting (149)
• How to speak up and confront (150ff)
• How to stand up and step back (162ff)
• Genuine repentance (171ff)
• Biblical resolution of conflicts (215-216)
• Interacting with a destructive/abusive person (217ff)
Other than the occasional overstatements, one critique I have of this book is that in part 1 Vernick on many occasions will mention a topic and make a point about it, only to say that there will be a lot more to say on it in part 2 and/or 3. This pattern continues even into part 2. She is not the only author who does this, but I find this technique tedious and frustrating when done countless times. Another critique is that Vernick would introduce a person and their story and then chapters later mention them again. Since I read this book over several weeks, I didn’t remember who these people were, which made a few of Vernick’s points a little hard to follow (but not a big deal).
Though biblical discernment is needed, I would in general recommend this book for those who want to understand and respond biblically to destructive and/or abusive relationships. As with all books, check what is said with the unfailing Word of God. For the many places in which this book helped illuminate the meaning and implications of biblical texts, I am thankful to God.
August 6, 2023
"Too many individuals have been wrongly instructed that biblical love means they must be "nice," and suffer quietly--even if they are mistreated and abused. But as C.S. Lewis wisely wrote, 'Love is more stern and splendid than mere kindness.'"
Vernick blends comprehensive counseling terminology and observational anecdotes with biblical principles in this guide-like piece of invaluable non-fiction. Her tone is conversationally warm, patiently empathetic, and consistently firm.
I found this book SO helpful. I'd go so far as to recommend it as a sort of emotional intelligence primer--particularly for Christians, churches, and anyone in a ministry position. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble if I'd read it in my teens or early adulthood.
"Contrary to what destructive people will say, the most loving thing we can do for them is hold them accountable for their actions. This indeed may cost us sacrifice and suffering. We do this not only for our benefit but with the hope that as we draw a line in the sand and say "no more" they will wake up to their own sinfulness and repent."
I very much appreciated that the author regularly encourages readers not only to view others through a more emotionally cognizant lens... but also themselves. There's no shortage of self-checks here--giving the opportunity for introspection and evaluation of one's own methods and motives. (Vernick rightly makes no assumptions about anyone being immune from being emotionally abusive.)
I also appreciated that the author didn't naively shy away from calling out evil for what it is... while equipping readers on how to discern between merely damaged destructive people and people with truly malevolent intent. She also seems to acknowledge where that line sometimes gets blurry.
"It can be extremely difficult to discern evil hearts because their intention is to look good, not be good."
The author offers a solid outline for effectively confronting someone who has caused you emotional harm:
1. Try to use language that doesn't attack the other person, but rather states the problem with the other person's behavior or attitudes. (example: "I feel hurt that you're not hearing me right now, Ann,' rather than...'you never listen.')
2. Seek a mutually good time. (Proverbs 29:20)"
3. Watch your body language and voice tone. (i.e. Remain neutral.)
4. Listen to another perspective, if the person offers one. (Allow them to share their feelings, but don't get sidetracked or debate feelings.)"
"Test the other person. See how he responds to you when you don't give him what he wants. If you don't see consistent changes in the way he thinks, acts, and interacts with you and others, don't for a minute believe his words or his profuse tears. (Proverbs 26:23-24) Jesus said, "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8.)"
If I could change anything about this book, it would be to suggest that its clear and concise definitions for different types of abuse be placed at the beginning of the book rather than the end. Perhaps the intent was to ease certain people (unwitting abusers?) into realization as they go, rather than scare them off at the start. But I think the orienting effect of said definitions would have been a great help to the vast majority of readers.
Favorite Quote:
"Someone once said that we are what we are not because of what happens to us, but because of what we do with what happens to us. My friend, choose to do good with what's happened to you, and you will be better for it."
Vernick blends comprehensive counseling terminology and observational anecdotes with biblical principles in this guide-like piece of invaluable non-fiction. Her tone is conversationally warm, patiently empathetic, and consistently firm.
I found this book SO helpful. I'd go so far as to recommend it as a sort of emotional intelligence primer--particularly for Christians, churches, and anyone in a ministry position. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble if I'd read it in my teens or early adulthood.
"Contrary to what destructive people will say, the most loving thing we can do for them is hold them accountable for their actions. This indeed may cost us sacrifice and suffering. We do this not only for our benefit but with the hope that as we draw a line in the sand and say "no more" they will wake up to their own sinfulness and repent."
I very much appreciated that the author regularly encourages readers not only to view others through a more emotionally cognizant lens... but also themselves. There's no shortage of self-checks here--giving the opportunity for introspection and evaluation of one's own methods and motives. (Vernick rightly makes no assumptions about anyone being immune from being emotionally abusive.)
I also appreciated that the author didn't naively shy away from calling out evil for what it is... while equipping readers on how to discern between merely damaged destructive people and people with truly malevolent intent. She also seems to acknowledge where that line sometimes gets blurry.
"It can be extremely difficult to discern evil hearts because their intention is to look good, not be good."
The author offers a solid outline for effectively confronting someone who has caused you emotional harm:
1. Try to use language that doesn't attack the other person, but rather states the problem with the other person's behavior or attitudes. (example: "I feel hurt that you're not hearing me right now, Ann,' rather than...'you never listen.')
2. Seek a mutually good time. (Proverbs 29:20)"
3. Watch your body language and voice tone. (i.e. Remain neutral.)
4. Listen to another perspective, if the person offers one. (Allow them to share their feelings, but don't get sidetracked or debate feelings.)"
"Test the other person. See how he responds to you when you don't give him what he wants. If you don't see consistent changes in the way he thinks, acts, and interacts with you and others, don't for a minute believe his words or his profuse tears. (Proverbs 26:23-24) Jesus said, "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8.)"
If I could change anything about this book, it would be to suggest that its clear and concise definitions for different types of abuse be placed at the beginning of the book rather than the end. Perhaps the intent was to ease certain people (unwitting abusers?) into realization as they go, rather than scare them off at the start. But I think the orienting effect of said definitions would have been a great help to the vast majority of readers.
Favorite Quote:
"Someone once said that we are what we are not because of what happens to us, but because of what we do with what happens to us. My friend, choose to do good with what's happened to you, and you will be better for it."
Read
April 27, 2024Not being in this situation makes it hard for me to review this book. It wasn’t what I was expecting, and I find I need to let the ideas simmer a bit on a back burner in my mind, as well as, consult some other resources for comparison purposes.
September 10, 2024
Very helpful and biblical. I have listened twice on hoopla and intend to go through it again to try to take notes on the work I can do. I really appreciate the biblical advice on getting to the root of problems, standing up, speaking out, being responsible for myself and my spiritual growth.
December 27, 2017
Back some time ago I was asked during an interview what I consider the hardest counseling issues to counsel. Without hesitation, I responded, "Abuse cases." Abuse cases are hard to counsel because, one, they are heartbreaking. Yet, the other side of counseling abuse situations that makes it so hard is that in most situations, the counselor only gets one side of the story. This puts the counselor in an awkward situation because Proverbs indicates that it is wise to hear both sides of a situation. Getting the other side of the story is often impossible. Add to this, there is difficulty in handling these cases because we want to take people at their word, trust that what they report is accurate, etc., but we also know that all of us, when sinned against by another, are often inclined to shade the truth or present the data in our favor. This puts the counselor is a very tough position. We rarely get both sides of the situation. Oh how helpful it would be to be a "fly on the wall" in a home where abuse is a possibility. But in most cases, or one could say, that the norm in abuse cases is that it is only the abused person who is sitting in the office seeking counseling. It is rare that a person who is the abuser walks into the office seeking help.
All of this to say that I wanted so badly to like this book by Leslie Vernick. She is addressing an issue that desperately needs to be addressed. And in many respects she offers some very good input on the whole abuse subject. Her experience in counseling abuse cases gives her a platform from which to speak about the many different aspects of counseling the abused person, and for that, I think it is only right to give her an audience.
Yet, the book had interwoven throughout, psychology and a man-centered element that I believe weakens the message of the book. It also seems that some of what Vernick shares can be taken as license to pursue divorce when no Scripture can endorse such an action. I've personally interacted with people who have used Vernick's book as a license to justify not only separating from an abusive spouse (which I agree, sometimes is a viable option), but have taken the content of what Leslie writes to give a green light to an unbiblical divorce. This is perhaps the caution in reading this material. Having said that, I also realize that what people do with what Leslie writes may not be her intended purpose. There is no doubt that Leslie has a heart to help the abused, which all of us as believers should. There is no doubt that she has experienced some hard situations of abuse in her own life and thus, she is using her own life experience to identify with others who experience abuse. There is no doubt that she has much good to say to try to provide the abused hope and practical advice for how to handle situations where abuse is taking place, and for that, I am grateful.
Overall, I thought the books was okay. I'd like to see more written from the Biblical Counseling world on this subject.
All of this to say that I wanted so badly to like this book by Leslie Vernick. She is addressing an issue that desperately needs to be addressed. And in many respects she offers some very good input on the whole abuse subject. Her experience in counseling abuse cases gives her a platform from which to speak about the many different aspects of counseling the abused person, and for that, I think it is only right to give her an audience.
Yet, the book had interwoven throughout, psychology and a man-centered element that I believe weakens the message of the book. It also seems that some of what Vernick shares can be taken as license to pursue divorce when no Scripture can endorse such an action. I've personally interacted with people who have used Vernick's book as a license to justify not only separating from an abusive spouse (which I agree, sometimes is a viable option), but have taken the content of what Leslie writes to give a green light to an unbiblical divorce. This is perhaps the caution in reading this material. Having said that, I also realize that what people do with what Leslie writes may not be her intended purpose. There is no doubt that Leslie has a heart to help the abused, which all of us as believers should. There is no doubt that she has experienced some hard situations of abuse in her own life and thus, she is using her own life experience to identify with others who experience abuse. There is no doubt that she has much good to say to try to provide the abused hope and practical advice for how to handle situations where abuse is taking place, and for that, I am grateful.
Overall, I thought the books was okay. I'd like to see more written from the Biblical Counseling world on this subject.
April 9, 2012
I read this book because of a difficult relationship someone I know is in, but I found some helpful advice for my own relationships as well. It gives biblical and practical advice to help you recognize destructive habits of communication in your relationships and what you can do about them. The most helpful advice, in my opinion, was the fact that while you have no control over the behavior of others, you DO have control over your own behavior and reactions. Vernick helps you learn to set boundaries for yourself, to recognize when others are attempting to manipulate or intimidate you with destructive behavior, and to make sure that your own responses and attitudes are biblical and healthy.
I'd recommend this to anyone who is in a difficult relationship or simply wishes to avoid falling into unhealthy habits in communication with the people in their lives.
I'd recommend this to anyone who is in a difficult relationship or simply wishes to avoid falling into unhealthy habits in communication with the people in their lives.
June 22, 2016
This books explains the many faces of abuse, how to recognize it, how to face it, make a stop to it and grow from it.
I like that she helps the victim/survivors to see their role or part in the process of being in a emotionally destructive relationship. she doesn't guilt but help the readers to be self aware and understanding more about themselves.
Part of the abuse makes you think that you are crazy or loosing touch with reality. this book help you focus on what it true while acknowledging your feeling (who are often undermine )
She gives practical example of different form of abuse and how to deal with them. overall I am very please with the way the content was put together and would recommend this read to anyone in need .
I like that she helps the victim/survivors to see their role or part in the process of being in a emotionally destructive relationship. she doesn't guilt but help the readers to be self aware and understanding more about themselves.
Part of the abuse makes you think that you are crazy or loosing touch with reality. this book help you focus on what it true while acknowledging your feeling (who are often undermine )
She gives practical example of different form of abuse and how to deal with them. overall I am very please with the way the content was put together and would recommend this read to anyone in need .
December 16, 2014
I met Leslie Vernick at a conference this year and have been meaning to read this book. Recently I started seeing a new client and she mentioned this book, so we decided to read it together. This book is an EXCELLENT Biblical resource for people in emotionally destructive relationships. It's a great resource for those who think they MUST stay in a relationship because otherwise God won't be happy with them. But not only that, it shows you how you could even thrive in this situation. I really liked it, and will read more of her stuff.
January 14, 2019
Everyone should read this book. It is simple, practical, and easy to read. The author speaks gently, yet clearly. The only thing I wish is that she had more clearly defined the difference between an unhealthy relationship and an abusive relationship. But the book is a good, thought-provoking exploration of relationships and offers helpful advice throughout.
October 31, 2012
This books fills a needed void and brings to light some things that most Christians don't want to think about. Vernick has given a great resource both for those in an emotionally destructive relationship and those who want to help them.
May 30, 2020
She understands!
A wonderful help for those in hurtful relationships! This book is filled with many scriptures as well as godly advice that will take you on a path towards healing and health.
A wonderful help for those in hurtful relationships! This book is filled with many scriptures as well as godly advice that will take you on a path towards healing and health.
August 31, 2016
everyone should read this book
November 29, 2012
One of the best books I have ever read.
December 6, 2012
Profound. Puts perspective on things.
August 7, 2015
A clear and realistic guide to coping with difficult people. I appreciate Leslie's biblical approach and her focus on becoming the person God desires you to be.
November 23, 2015
Very informative
My husband and I studied this book together. The information was biblical, useful, practical and easy to understand. Helpful book
My husband and I studied this book together. The information was biblical, useful, practical and easy to understand. Helpful book
July 31, 2017
Excellent book on how to be healthy in relationship. Great book for anyone to read.
November 6, 2023
This eminently practical book on a serious subject was written by a Christian counselor who had experienced such a relationship with an alcoholic mother who was out of connection with her for over 15 years, having divorced her father when she was eight years old. Her mother was abusive, lost custody rights for her children and, even as a Christian, was not addressed by the author until her mother was dying. Making the case for five key types of destructive relationships (actual abuse, overprotection, overdependence, deception, chronic neglect or indifference), she notes that a flourishing relationship will include commitment and care, honesty and integrity, and mutual respect. Vernick provides a 31 item questionnaire to assist the reader in identifying if a destructive relationship is present (using a 5 point Likert scale from Never to Almost Always). Such relationships are not, God’s design, and she provides numerous examples from her own life and those of her clients, along with instances from Scripture, to emphasize her points. These practical chapters begin with a poignant quote from diverse authors(including Daniel Goleman, C.S. Lewis, and Helen Keller) along with a Scripture verse that addresses the topic under consideration.
Part One (Chapters 1-3) addresses “Seeing It,” reviews healthy and unhealthly responses to the brokenness that is often present in relationships. Destructive themes of the heart are presented in a practical and challenging way for the reader’s investigation - pride, anger, envy, selfishness, laziness, evil, and fear. Each of these themes are presented in some detail, offering biblical examples and stories from Vernick’s counseling to emphasize their impact.
Part Two (Chapters 6-9) focuses on “Stopping It,” challenging the individual embroiled in such relationships to take responsibility for their actions. Impressing the fact that they can “stop living this way,” the author writes on facing reality, praying, disclosing the situation, seeking support, naming/facing fears, and replacing lies with God’s truth. She offers biblical insights on the topic of submission, stressing that choices still remain, and the voice of the embattled individual needs to be heard. Guidelines are provided on when and how to speak up, and some excellent scripts are provided in relation to some of the situations previously described. This individual can strive to be a “champion of peace,” engaging in prayer, preparation, practice, planning, and persevering. Vernick addresses the essence of true repentance here, and discusses when it may be appropriate to engage in separation to introduce consequences when the offender is obstinate. Even in these cases, the author is careful to honor the principles in Scripture.
The final section, Part Three (Chapters 10-12), closes this topic with insights on “Surviving It.” This section emphasizes God’s heart for the believer and the actions that can and should be taken, understanding who we are and how we can learn to abide in Him. I did take issue with some parts of this section, notably in the author’s use of citations from Richard Rohr and his focus on mindfulness. Even so, there is much to be gained in addressing the resources and actions that can be taken to aid the individual confronted with the challenges of a destructive relationship. Vernick uses the story of Nabal and Abigail from 1 Samuel 25 to demonstrate the wisdom of a woman in such a difficult relationship. Releasing negative emotions and addressing lies can aid the individual to thrive through the use of support systems, education, and conflict resolution. A biblical approach to conflict resolution is included to close this section.
Resources in print and online, along with specific organizations in these areas of concern, are provided in the close of this excellent primer on the subject of destructive relationships. Along with offering a categorical list of types of abuses, Vernick closes this exceptional resource with specific guidance for those serving as “people helpers” - 1) Be patient, 2) Listen carefully, 3) Don’t dismiss the person’s feelings or situation, 4) If the person discloses that a partner exhibits abusive or controlling attitudes or actions, be careful, 5) Help the person carefully weigh his or her options and the potential consequences of these choices, 6) Be honest about your limitations, 7) Be prayerful, and 8) Be practical.
This is a exceptional practical resource to address the challenges of a destructive relationship in a caring and biblically faithful manner.
Part One (Chapters 1-3) addresses “Seeing It,” reviews healthy and unhealthly responses to the brokenness that is often present in relationships. Destructive themes of the heart are presented in a practical and challenging way for the reader’s investigation - pride, anger, envy, selfishness, laziness, evil, and fear. Each of these themes are presented in some detail, offering biblical examples and stories from Vernick’s counseling to emphasize their impact.
Part Two (Chapters 6-9) focuses on “Stopping It,” challenging the individual embroiled in such relationships to take responsibility for their actions. Impressing the fact that they can “stop living this way,” the author writes on facing reality, praying, disclosing the situation, seeking support, naming/facing fears, and replacing lies with God’s truth. She offers biblical insights on the topic of submission, stressing that choices still remain, and the voice of the embattled individual needs to be heard. Guidelines are provided on when and how to speak up, and some excellent scripts are provided in relation to some of the situations previously described. This individual can strive to be a “champion of peace,” engaging in prayer, preparation, practice, planning, and persevering. Vernick addresses the essence of true repentance here, and discusses when it may be appropriate to engage in separation to introduce consequences when the offender is obstinate. Even in these cases, the author is careful to honor the principles in Scripture.
The final section, Part Three (Chapters 10-12), closes this topic with insights on “Surviving It.” This section emphasizes God’s heart for the believer and the actions that can and should be taken, understanding who we are and how we can learn to abide in Him. I did take issue with some parts of this section, notably in the author’s use of citations from Richard Rohr and his focus on mindfulness. Even so, there is much to be gained in addressing the resources and actions that can be taken to aid the individual confronted with the challenges of a destructive relationship. Vernick uses the story of Nabal and Abigail from 1 Samuel 25 to demonstrate the wisdom of a woman in such a difficult relationship. Releasing negative emotions and addressing lies can aid the individual to thrive through the use of support systems, education, and conflict resolution. A biblical approach to conflict resolution is included to close this section.
Resources in print and online, along with specific organizations in these areas of concern, are provided in the close of this excellent primer on the subject of destructive relationships. Along with offering a categorical list of types of abuses, Vernick closes this exceptional resource with specific guidance for those serving as “people helpers” - 1) Be patient, 2) Listen carefully, 3) Don’t dismiss the person’s feelings or situation, 4) If the person discloses that a partner exhibits abusive or controlling attitudes or actions, be careful, 5) Help the person carefully weigh his or her options and the potential consequences of these choices, 6) Be honest about your limitations, 7) Be prayerful, and 8) Be practical.
This is a exceptional practical resource to address the challenges of a destructive relationship in a caring and biblically faithful manner.
July 31, 2020
It’s taken me half a year to finish this book but that’s not a reflection on it at all! It’s a book to be read very intentionally and prayerfully as it has many enlightening and challenging things to say regarding emotional abuse that especially in Christian circles may not be taught. I’m so thankful for a good therapist who recommended and patiently walked through this book with me.
Leslie teaches you to see and be aware of emotional abuse which is so crucial because it seems the earlier and longer you’ve been exposed to it the harder it is to see it lurking in your own life. Additionally, toxic relationships can come in so many forms. Once you accept and are aware of these relationships in your life Leslie does a thorough job of helping you survive and thrive by correcting faulty thinking starting with YOURSELF. I had to see where there were toxic relationships and individuals along life’s way that has accustomed me to the toxic relationships I became engaged in, how I had contributed to the situations, what my heart was longing for that made me seek satisfaction from toxic individuals and relationships. I also had to stop thinking that just because I had contributed it meant I had no choice but to continue to engage these toxic behaviors, patterns, and individuals. Armed with the ability to see and survive it I had to do the very difficult task of stopping it. This book teaches you to really examine your own heart, work on yourself, and develop boundaries because at the end of the day the boundaries of life mean you can’t control someone else or force them to act, think, or feel a certain way and really to do so would mean further contributing to a toxic relationship. I see no way to avoid toxic relationships without good boundaries, particularly for your own mind.
This is a good read but very hard if you’re actually caught in a toxic relationship. The hardest part is probably accepting responsibility for your contribution, setting up and maintaining boundaries (not just with others but yourself) to determine and navigate the best way to avoid being sucked into other’s drama and toxicity. This is all very humbling and stretching work but so rewarding. I feel like all teachers should read this because it’s REALLY helpful for keeping your sanity with all the adults that you have no choice but to interact with! Not only do I feel so much healthier and happier now without all the baggage and drama I used to choose to make space for, but it’s so much easier to spot toxic individuals and avoid entanglements with them altogether.
Leslie teaches you to see and be aware of emotional abuse which is so crucial because it seems the earlier and longer you’ve been exposed to it the harder it is to see it lurking in your own life. Additionally, toxic relationships can come in so many forms. Once you accept and are aware of these relationships in your life Leslie does a thorough job of helping you survive and thrive by correcting faulty thinking starting with YOURSELF. I had to see where there were toxic relationships and individuals along life’s way that has accustomed me to the toxic relationships I became engaged in, how I had contributed to the situations, what my heart was longing for that made me seek satisfaction from toxic individuals and relationships. I also had to stop thinking that just because I had contributed it meant I had no choice but to continue to engage these toxic behaviors, patterns, and individuals. Armed with the ability to see and survive it I had to do the very difficult task of stopping it. This book teaches you to really examine your own heart, work on yourself, and develop boundaries because at the end of the day the boundaries of life mean you can’t control someone else or force them to act, think, or feel a certain way and really to do so would mean further contributing to a toxic relationship. I see no way to avoid toxic relationships without good boundaries, particularly for your own mind.
This is a good read but very hard if you’re actually caught in a toxic relationship. The hardest part is probably accepting responsibility for your contribution, setting up and maintaining boundaries (not just with others but yourself) to determine and navigate the best way to avoid being sucked into other’s drama and toxicity. This is all very humbling and stretching work but so rewarding. I feel like all teachers should read this because it’s REALLY helpful for keeping your sanity with all the adults that you have no choice but to interact with! Not only do I feel so much healthier and happier now without all the baggage and drama I used to choose to make space for, but it’s so much easier to spot toxic individuals and avoid entanglements with them altogether.
June 2, 2021
This was so powerful and helpful. As one who experienced emotional and verbal abuse from several persons in the past, and who is now navigating boundaries and escape from current longtime abusers, this book has helped me so much in working through past hurts, naming the abuse for what it was, learning to recognize destructive characteristics in people so as to avoid falling into those types of relationships in the future, learning that I do have a choice, can stand up, can speak, and that forgiveness can happen from a place of safety without there being reconciliation. I'm also learning to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns in my life that have arisen from believing abusers' lies about myself and my circumstances.
This was recommended at a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conference my husband and I attended several years ago. We were raw at the time from emotional and spiritual abuse by a trusted pastor. I only wish we had tracked down this book immediately. Since we didn't, we have lived many years carrying a heavy burden of guilt and shame and continuing to remain in abusive relationships within our extended family. Reading it now has been a bit tardy as we have already worked through a lot in the last few years, but I still feel SO MUCH STRONGER after reading this.
Please, if you suspect you are being emotionally abused (I totally understand making excuses for the other person, rationalizing, blaming yourself, etc so that you refrain from seeing it as abuse) find someone to confide in and READ THIS BOOK!
Note: the author presupposes that the reader is a Christian. She presents Scriptural truths that apply specifically to believers. To read this is to be shown and reminded of principles and promises that may not (and in many cases do not) apply to the nonbeliever. I just wanted to mention this so that someone who is not reconciled to God doesn't read the book and come away assuming that they are saved and claiming these truths as reality if they are unrepentant toward God. It is so dangerous to be told things like "You have the Holy Spirit to help you" (not that she said that, but just as an example) when you are not right with God. If the audience for this book is truly born-again, repentant Christians who have placed their trust in the Lord Jesus for salvation and are seeking to live in holiness, then this book is spot-on. I do think it is a powerful and useful resource regardless.
This was recommended at a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conference my husband and I attended several years ago. We were raw at the time from emotional and spiritual abuse by a trusted pastor. I only wish we had tracked down this book immediately. Since we didn't, we have lived many years carrying a heavy burden of guilt and shame and continuing to remain in abusive relationships within our extended family. Reading it now has been a bit tardy as we have already worked through a lot in the last few years, but I still feel SO MUCH STRONGER after reading this.
Please, if you suspect you are being emotionally abused (I totally understand making excuses for the other person, rationalizing, blaming yourself, etc so that you refrain from seeing it as abuse) find someone to confide in and READ THIS BOOK!
Note: the author presupposes that the reader is a Christian. She presents Scriptural truths that apply specifically to believers. To read this is to be shown and reminded of principles and promises that may not (and in many cases do not) apply to the nonbeliever. I just wanted to mention this so that someone who is not reconciled to God doesn't read the book and come away assuming that they are saved and claiming these truths as reality if they are unrepentant toward God. It is so dangerous to be told things like "You have the Holy Spirit to help you" (not that she said that, but just as an example) when you are not right with God. If the audience for this book is truly born-again, repentant Christians who have placed their trust in the Lord Jesus for salvation and are seeking to live in holiness, then this book is spot-on. I do think it is a powerful and useful resource regardless.
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