The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work

by Suzette Haden Elgin

For some employees, verbal abuse can be the everyday language of doing business. Defending yourself from these verbal abusers—calmly, professionally, and successfully—can be crucial to your on-the-job success.
 
Nationally recognized linguistics expert and author Suzette Haden Elgin applies her acclaimed techniques for combating verbal attacks to common workplace situations. Powerful yet unthreatening, her proven strategies will help you recognize and defend yourself from verbal abuse—everything from casual obscenities and racist or sexist language to sarcasm, cutting jokes, and subtle put-downs.
 
Richly illustrated with fully dramatizes scenarios and real-world examples, Dr. Elgin’s communication techniques will help you instantly take control of any verbal confrontation. You’ll also learn how to avoid “malpractice of the mouth” and sexual harassment; communicate sensitively and clearly with non-native English speakers; and project a strong, straightforward, and trustworthy image.
 
You’ll find tips for handling sensitive issues via email and voice mail, advice on meeting the communication challenges that face home-based and virtual businesses, and plenty of “workouts” placed throughout the book to give you valuable opportunities to practice your new skills.

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work is your roadmap through the potentially career-threatening minefields of workplace communication.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Business, Management, Adult, Communication

340 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 1999

About the author

Suzette Haden Elgin was an American science fiction author. She founded the Science Fiction Poetry Association, and is considered an important figure in the field of science fiction constructed languages. Elgin was also a linguist; she published non-fiction, of which the best-known is the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense series.

Born in 1936 in Missouri, Elgin attended the University of California, San Diego (UCSD) in the 1960s, and began writing science fiction in order to pay tuition. She has a Ph.D. in linguistics, and was the first UCSD student to ever write two dissertations (on English and Navajo). She created the engineered language Láadan for her Native Tongue science fiction series. A grammar and dictionary was published in 1985. She is a supporter of feminist science fiction, saying "women need to realize that SF is the only genre of literature in which it's possible for a writer to explore the question of what this world would be like if you could get rid of [X], where [X] is filled in with any of the multitude of real world facts that constrain and oppress women. Women need to treasure and support science fiction." [1]

In addition, she published works of shorter fiction. Overlying themes in her work include feminism, linguistics and the impact of language, and peaceful coexistence with nature. Many of her works also draw from her Ozark background and heritage.

Elgin became a professor at her alma mater's cross-town rival, San Diego State University (SDSU). She retired in 1980.

Reviews

[Kerry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Or, 'How to deal with assholes when you work with them and can't just block them on Facebook and never think about them again, like you would every other asshole'.
 
Some of it was useful, but it was written in 2000, before office communication moved so much to email and IM. Discussions about meetings were good - like how to deal with two assholes are being assholes in different ways, at each other and at everyone else! - but overall the book was based on workplace norms that simply aren't norms any more. Not Elgin's fault, but also not super useful.

[Nora · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I still had a copy to reread. This is a keeper. This book could make one's life a lot easier.

[Laura Short · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is interesting. Decidedly dated, comes off as a bit sexist, but useful. It claims to be about "self defense" but really seems to be more about persuasion. Though I have yet to try any of these techniques out, I suspect that they would be most useful against people who have more 'traditional' world views than folks who have brought up in the internet age. (This may just be because the book obviously hasn't had a significant overhaul since the 80's, which I assume is the original publication date, and some of the examples are no longer particularly relevant.) I think there are some good concepts here, and though I find myself yelling at the book about weird metaphors and presuppositions about human behavior, I plan on taking a look at some of her other books.

[Angel Villareal]

I have not read the entire book because if I do it surely cause bleeding of my entire senses.
The book is truly helpful and can be used in any situation where some people with backward attitude and cannot get along with others in a diverse situation may result in verbal assault. This book teaches a lot of smart defense in times of verbal attack exist.

[Grazyna Nawrocka]

This book actually saved me from losing a job. The advice is very down to earth and helpful. I love "baroque" answer to stupid accusations, but to apply it, one has to be secure in his/her position.

[sedition&subterfuge · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I had a bible, "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work" would be my new testament.

[Chrischris]

Relationships might last longer if we learn how to communicate what we want without having to resort to manipulation. Unfortunately, the less you know about this subject the more you leave yourself open to it be used against you. Take as long as you need to learn this. She is not the only author of this subject though a very good one. Check out the for dummies version as well. Which one to start with really depends on how familiar with it you already are. This one is a bit technical, the for dummies is longer but clearer with more examples. It would help to have a partner to read and practice the principles with.

[Michelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

Promises were made in the first two chapters that were not kept in the remainder of the book, specifically that the reader would learn how to understand "language as traffic" as well as in terms of several other suggestively intriguing metaphors. The subsequent chapters never delivered and I wonder if the first chapters were just reused from the author's first book "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" with inadequate editing to graft them onto this second book. Whatever the reason, it was extremely disappointing to read and reread looking for promised material which is not there. Urgh.

[Fred Kohn · Rating 3 out of 5]

More stuff in here than I'll ever need at work, nevertheless everything here was of interest. If you read this book, take some time to reread the section about Satir modes until you understand it, as the author comes back to these repeatedly. Although the exercises and examples at the end of each chapter are in small print, don't neglect them! They are very helpful in making the author's points clear. And don't skip the appendix. It is a highly useful summary of the verbal self defense method, and can be used both at and outside of work.

[Beth Robinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book elaborates well on a few solid ideas that are worth remembering and attempting to use. I don't consider it comprehensive, but it's still useful. Despite the comments about it being outdated, I don't feel that invalidates the suggestions, just means that it doesn't have some sections we wish it would, like IMing, and that some ideas need to be applied more broadly, like finding out who is thinking of business as a game. It's easy to read and the little scenario stories sprinkles throughout bring the ideas to life.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

It doesn't contain as many tricks/strategies for avoiding/defusing verbal abuse as I was hoping for, but it's still a pretty good book. Most of the material deals with conversation and communication and how to make sure that your message is understood. I'm glad I read it, but I don't know how useful it will be in the long run.

[Elliott · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think everyone wants to learn the secret how to shut down shitty little comments without it turning into some bullshit shouting match. Some days you just don't have the time or resources to deal with it.

The techniques here were less useful than I was hoping. I'll probably come back to her stuff later and give it another shot. But this book didn't take for me.

[Derrick C · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it, both the intentions, and the skill used in putting it together. It's not just for women. Clearly communication is the scene of conflict before it happens, and identifying presuppositions and making good use of metaphoric language is just the start of identifying and defending using the art of gentle verbal self-defense. Greatly appreciated.

[Liz De Coster]

Presupposed a lot of knowledge; you really had to buy into a system to really understand most of the book. Not only was the content dated, I was pretty frustrated by the distinctions that relied exclusively on gender differences as explanations.

[Lynda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another read for work.

[Beth Gordon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Has some good tips for better communication in general. They just weren't the tips I was hoping for. Maybe I will change my mind after putting some of the skills into practice.

[Libbet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly fascinating. I really should have read this while I was still at my old job. Now planning on looking up as much of her non-fiction as possible.

[Lori Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

A should-read book on improving your business communication skills.

[Mckinley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Workbook of a sort - recommended readings and exercising at the end of each chapter.

[Cindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boring, not easy to read. Some good points, but could have been written in half the number of pages.