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Who's Pulling Your Strings? : How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation a
A self-empowering plan for anyone who wants to stop being manipulated by others In Who's Pulling Your Strings? , Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, New York Times bestselling author of The Disease to Please , explains how depression, low self-esteem, chronic anger, and feelings of helplessness are often the result of being caught in relationships with manipulative people--including family members, friends, coworkers, and associates. More importantly, she arms readers with the knowledge and tools they need to understand and identify manipulative personalities and to free themselves from the bondage of relationships with them. Working from sound psychological theory and research, yet writing in a warm, accessible style, Braiker exposes the most common methods manipulative people use to control others--and makes clear that it takes at least two people to enable such a relationship to function. With the help of valuable self-assessment quizzes, action plans, and how-to exercises she empowers readers ...and much more, including informative case studies and highly effective Resistance Tactics to help those who identify themselves as victim-participants end the damaging cycle of control and manipulation--and clear the way for success and happiness. Orlando Sentinel, “She devotes her book to explaining how manipulators operate and, more important, what their victims can do to end these destructive relationships.” --Harry Wessel Chicago Tribune, “…offers practical suggestions for those who find themselves repeatedly yanked, right down to language they can use in a tight spot.” --Joanne Trestrail
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First published January 1, 1955
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About the author
Harriet B. Braiker
12 books40 followersDr. Braiker was a practicing clinical psychologist and management consultant in Los Angeles/Beverly Hills and Pasadena, California, for more than 25 years. The author of many highly successful popular psychology books, she also authored numerous scholarly award-winning research books and other academic publications. Dr. Braiker was an internationally recognized authority on stress and women's issues who was always in great demand as a public speaker. She was a contributing editor and columnist for Working Woman and Lear's, and also wrote for many other national women's magazines. Frequently quoted in the media, Dr. Braiker appeared many times on such national talk shows as Oprah, The Today Show, Larry King, Live with Regis and Kathy Lee, Hour Magazine and Sonya Live, as well as on hard news shows such as NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw and CNN.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 89 reviews
April 2, 2019
این کتاب مثل کتاب مرجع شده برای من. برای چهارمین بار خواندم و رفتار خودم را مرور کردم. باز خواهم خواند
November 18, 2021
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?
November 8, 2010
I'm always borderline ashamed to reveal my reading of self-help books, but I guess I continue to do so out of a desire to accurately document my reading.
I actually checked this book out of the library because they didn't have another book by the same author that I wanted to read, and this was somewhat related (the other book was about combating "people-pleasing" compulsions). I thought that this was well written--as usual for this genre, you're not reading it for the lovely, soaring prose*, although there's certainly nothing wrong with her writing either. I would have liked to give it a 2.5, but since that's not an option my inner people-pleaser pushed me to give it a 3.
Possibly because I've never had any extensive dealings with a hardcore manipulator, I felt like sometimes she was erring somewhat on the side of severity regarding the intractability of manipulators--but then again, her audience is the victims of manipulation and not the manipulators themselves. I did wish that she had gone a little deeper (or more specifically) into the dynamic that can develop when an extreme people-pleaser is in a relationship with someone who doesn't have an ounce of that problem but who isn't really a manipulator per se. I think that might have been helpful and interesting, but, again, I guess those people are her audience for the book the library didn't have, and not for this one.
All in all, I thought it was common-sense and helpful, and I liked it well enough that I still intend to read the book I originally looked for by her ("The Disease to Please").
*Which leads me to wonder, aren't there any self-help books around with lovely, soaring prose?
I actually checked this book out of the library because they didn't have another book by the same author that I wanted to read, and this was somewhat related (the other book was about combating "people-pleasing" compulsions). I thought that this was well written--as usual for this genre, you're not reading it for the lovely, soaring prose*, although there's certainly nothing wrong with her writing either. I would have liked to give it a 2.5, but since that's not an option my inner people-pleaser pushed me to give it a 3.
Possibly because I've never had any extensive dealings with a hardcore manipulator, I felt like sometimes she was erring somewhat on the side of severity regarding the intractability of manipulators--but then again, her audience is the victims of manipulation and not the manipulators themselves. I did wish that she had gone a little deeper (or more specifically) into the dynamic that can develop when an extreme people-pleaser is in a relationship with someone who doesn't have an ounce of that problem but who isn't really a manipulator per se. I think that might have been helpful and interesting, but, again, I guess those people are her audience for the book the library didn't have, and not for this one.
All in all, I thought it was common-sense and helpful, and I liked it well enough that I still intend to read the book I originally looked for by her ("The Disease to Please").
*Which leads me to wonder, aren't there any self-help books around with lovely, soaring prose?
Read
October 18, 2016I have recently read several books about manipulation and how to deal how to deal with the manipulators in our lives. This book gives lots of practical advice for the layperson, more than I found in other books. I should add that this book confines itself to the everyday type of manipulator rather than the serious antisocial, psychopathic type of individual. In a way, these more mundane types are harder to get a handle on and may therefore cause more chronic, but not necessarily, less important damage. It is crucial to a happy life to learn how to cope with such individuals, especially when they are family members.
November 11, 2011
must read for everyone who is subjected to manipulation...after finishing reading the book, I feel a spark of courage (the author mentioned in the last chapter)..the author also gives lots of straight--forward techniques to handle..5/5 rating for me..simply awesome..I thank the author for writing on this subject..
May 28, 2013
This is a GREAT book about manipulation. And here's why:
The focus is not on changing the manipulator. The reality is it's a character trait and some people are just like that and can't really help it, albeit highly, HIGHLY annoying. Instead, the focus is on changing YOUR response and accepting this is how those people will conduct their business, while not accepting how it impacts you and your actions.
Anyway, I'd recommend this book, if, like me, manipulative people are a pet peeve.
And just remember: it's your choice how you react.
The focus is not on changing the manipulator. The reality is it's a character trait and some people are just like that and can't really help it, albeit highly, HIGHLY annoying. Instead, the focus is on changing YOUR response and accepting this is how those people will conduct their business, while not accepting how it impacts you and your actions.
Anyway, I'd recommend this book, if, like me, manipulative people are a pet peeve.
And just remember: it's your choice how you react.
August 8, 2017
wow. I feel rather ridiculous after reading this. have I seriously been that blind and gullible all these years? yep.. I sure have.
One of my favorite saying from the buddhacarita is 'there is a time for the truth to be revealed to you. if you don't believe it then it is your loss.' damn me if the alarm clock didn't just sound, time to wake up.
One of my favorite saying from the buddhacarita is 'there is a time for the truth to be revealed to you. if you don't believe it then it is your loss.' damn me if the alarm clock didn't just sound, time to wake up.
March 2, 2011
Awesome book about NOT letting someone else manipulate you and signs to look for manipulation.
December 18, 2016
A wake up call.
July 22, 2022
some things are repetitive and i wish the writer goes deeper.
October 9, 2023
I wrote a book review for this book for one of my grad-level classes a few months back, and I've decided I actually want to share it here in hopes that others understand why this book is problematic in many ways and to spread awareness about the nuance in manipulative dynamics:
Who’s Pulling Your Strings? by Harriet B. Braiker dissects what manipulation is, how to identify it, and gives you tools to break cycles of manipulation in your life. The purpose of this book, as stated by the author, is to “help you to become more aware of the “buttons” of vulnerability that you unwittingly expose to other people and that set you up as a mark for manipulation” (33). Unfortunately, I have many critiques of this book, so will I begin this review with a list of points were I believe the author did a good job: she aptly dissects the psyche and motives of the manipulator; she examines the tools and methods that manipulators use to manipulate; she makes it clear that a victim cannot and should not change the manipulator as they view power as a zero-sum game; and she provides cognitive therapy techniques (208) that help victims to empower themselves to change/leave manipulative dynamics.
I do not disagree with Braiker’s analysis of manipulation and manipulative tactics, however, the most fundamental issue with this book is that Braiker conflates all kinds of manipulation into one, thus her solutions to ridding oneself of manipulators is grossly oversimplified and ignores a multitude of nuances. How it is presented in this book, the author appears to believe that all kinds of manipulation are equal in kind, strength, and impact. On page 80 she lists all the people that may be potential manipulators in one’s life, but the issue is that each of these categories of people has different power dynamics at play; to say that the manipulation by a daughter (20) is the same as manipulation from a boss, is the same as manipulation from an intimate partner, is utterly oversimplifying the role of power in these manipulative dynamics. As a result, her solution to manipulation of ‘countercontrol’ – the pushback against manipulation – comes off as painfully ignorant because it neglects to meaningfully contemplate nuances and the consequences of countercontrol.
The author seems to think that the only consequences of countercontrol are, a) “[the manipulator] can adapt to the changes you have made by developing healthier, more respectful, and more balanced forms of interaction and influence” or b) they “simply may tire of the resistance and choose instead to manipulate another vulnerable target whose capitulation and control are far less difficult to achieve” (173). With this in mind, I will dissect the real nuances behind manipulation and countercontrol, primarily as it pertains to the power of money and the power of anger.
The first critical oversight with respect to the consequence of countercontrol is failing to fully understand the power of money in manipulation. The author acknowledges the role that money plays in manipulation when she writes about ‘control levers’ (108), saying that promises of money and threats of loss of money and loss of a job can be used as tools for manipulation. Despite this acknowledgement, she makes no effort to address the reality that financial dependence is oftentimes the sole reason people remain in manipulative relationships. This book talks extensively about manipulative relationships with bosses and superiors and even offers resistance strategies to their manipulation, all the while ignoring the fact that that many people do not have the financial luxury of challenging the manipulation of their superiors for fear that they may sabotage their career, or worse, get fired and lose their source of income. Even within intimate partner relationships, oftentimes a manipulator uses money as a leverage over the victim by controlling their ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources. This is exacerbated in instances where the victim’s sole source of income comes from the manipulator making it incredibly difficult to leave the manipulative dynamic when the victim may have no financial foundation on which to continue their life with. Countercontrol is not a luxury that victims have when money is involved.
As an example of the author’s ignorance, she provides an anecdote of a former patient of hers who was once a vice president at a large public relations firm in Los Angeles. This man was earning a lot of money but was unhappy at work as he was being manipulated by his boss (203). The solution: quitting his job. She presents this as a self-respecting decision, one that took courage but ultimately was beneficial. Yet she fails to acknowledge the multitude of privilege behind this man being able to quit so abruptly; he had already earned a lot of money and was likely in a financial position where he could afford to be without a job for some time, and his ability to be rehired elsewhere is likely high given his previous position as a vice president and the fact that he is a man. As a matter of fact, the author did not use the word “privilege” once in this entire book which I believe epitomizes the lack of nuance in this book.
The second major oversight with respect to the consequences of countercontrol is the books discussion of anger and aggression. Braiker presents the idea of emotophobia (40), the fear of “excessive or irrational fear of negative feelings… these fears encompass anger, aggression, or hostility and the conflict and confrontation that arouse them.” Put in different terms, it presented as a problem and character flaw that the victim choses to avoid conflict that may lead to anger, aggression, and hostility, and that in avoiding these situations they are “avoid[ing] dealing with negative emotions” (41). It is astounding to me that a Ph.D. clinical psychologist and a woman is able to completely dismiss the power that anger, specifically male anger, holds in a patriarchal society. Avoiding anger and aggression in situations of manipulation is not a people-pleasing tendency, it is an attempt to avoid the very real potential of violence.
For women, male anger always has the potential to escalate. To live in a patriarchal society is to know that it is built on the foundation of female disempowerment and subjugation, and female empowerment is a threat to this system. The author even said it herself that “if you are empowered to any degree, this represents less power for [the manipulator]” (56). And yet she does not realize or acknowledge that the potential consequence of this shift in power dynamics, with respect to angry men, is violence. This is especially true of intimate partner relationships, so it is particularly disconcerting to see how Braiker tries to paint physically abusive relationships as completely detached from the manipulation she wishes to address in her book (xi). She fails to recognize that the steps that precede physical violence is emotional manipulation, and that the jump from emotional manipulation to physical violence happens when the manipulator feels there is shift in power dynamics and they want to re-establish their control. So even when a man has never previously been physically violent, women are acutely aware, consciously or subconsciously, that violence is always a possibility when they choose to empower themselves and push back against manipulation (i.e., countercontrol) in the face of angry men, therefore calling an avoidance of anger “emotophobia” is wildly ignorant.
Jumping off of this point, because this book took such a broad approach to manipulation, many of its messages have the potential to be interpreted as victim-blaming even if that was not the intention of the author. It is clear that the author is trying to get the reader to understand their own role in the manipulative dynamic as a means of building a foundation of awareness that will allow the victim to start shifting the manipulative dynamic. However, if the reader is stuck in an emotionally abusive intimate relationship (a type of relationship that the author labels as manipulation), being told that they should “stop participating as a compliant victim” (179) will only have an adverse effect. The only section of the book where the author acknowledges that certain manipulative relationships should be escaped is in the section titled “Extraction” (174). It constitutes one page of the entire book, where though valid points are made – such as remaining in these relationships means “losing sight of who you are and what you value, need, and believe” (175) – she offers no method for identifying if a relationship is worth staying or leaving, merely that it may take some “deliberation” (174). She underestimates the psychological power that manipulators have on a victim’s psyche and ability to comprehend that they are even in a manipulative relationship. So, to assume that it would be easy for victims to know when it is time to leave or resist is oversimplifying things (not to mention power dynamics involving money that have already been addressed).
In sum, this book lacked any and all nuance underlying power dynamics in manipulative relationships meaning much of her messages fell short and came off as ignorant. It would have been far more effective had Braiker limited her analysis of manipulation to specific contexts (e.g., workplace, families) or meaningfully engaged in analysis of the various types of manipulative relationships and the various unique solutions for each.
Who’s Pulling Your Strings? by Harriet B. Braiker dissects what manipulation is, how to identify it, and gives you tools to break cycles of manipulation in your life. The purpose of this book, as stated by the author, is to “help you to become more aware of the “buttons” of vulnerability that you unwittingly expose to other people and that set you up as a mark for manipulation” (33). Unfortunately, I have many critiques of this book, so will I begin this review with a list of points were I believe the author did a good job: she aptly dissects the psyche and motives of the manipulator; she examines the tools and methods that manipulators use to manipulate; she makes it clear that a victim cannot and should not change the manipulator as they view power as a zero-sum game; and she provides cognitive therapy techniques (208) that help victims to empower themselves to change/leave manipulative dynamics.
I do not disagree with Braiker’s analysis of manipulation and manipulative tactics, however, the most fundamental issue with this book is that Braiker conflates all kinds of manipulation into one, thus her solutions to ridding oneself of manipulators is grossly oversimplified and ignores a multitude of nuances. How it is presented in this book, the author appears to believe that all kinds of manipulation are equal in kind, strength, and impact. On page 80 she lists all the people that may be potential manipulators in one’s life, but the issue is that each of these categories of people has different power dynamics at play; to say that the manipulation by a daughter (20) is the same as manipulation from a boss, is the same as manipulation from an intimate partner, is utterly oversimplifying the role of power in these manipulative dynamics. As a result, her solution to manipulation of ‘countercontrol’ – the pushback against manipulation – comes off as painfully ignorant because it neglects to meaningfully contemplate nuances and the consequences of countercontrol.
The author seems to think that the only consequences of countercontrol are, a) “[the manipulator] can adapt to the changes you have made by developing healthier, more respectful, and more balanced forms of interaction and influence” or b) they “simply may tire of the resistance and choose instead to manipulate another vulnerable target whose capitulation and control are far less difficult to achieve” (173). With this in mind, I will dissect the real nuances behind manipulation and countercontrol, primarily as it pertains to the power of money and the power of anger.
The first critical oversight with respect to the consequence of countercontrol is failing to fully understand the power of money in manipulation. The author acknowledges the role that money plays in manipulation when she writes about ‘control levers’ (108), saying that promises of money and threats of loss of money and loss of a job can be used as tools for manipulation. Despite this acknowledgement, she makes no effort to address the reality that financial dependence is oftentimes the sole reason people remain in manipulative relationships. This book talks extensively about manipulative relationships with bosses and superiors and even offers resistance strategies to their manipulation, all the while ignoring the fact that that many people do not have the financial luxury of challenging the manipulation of their superiors for fear that they may sabotage their career, or worse, get fired and lose their source of income. Even within intimate partner relationships, oftentimes a manipulator uses money as a leverage over the victim by controlling their ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources. This is exacerbated in instances where the victim’s sole source of income comes from the manipulator making it incredibly difficult to leave the manipulative dynamic when the victim may have no financial foundation on which to continue their life with. Countercontrol is not a luxury that victims have when money is involved.
As an example of the author’s ignorance, she provides an anecdote of a former patient of hers who was once a vice president at a large public relations firm in Los Angeles. This man was earning a lot of money but was unhappy at work as he was being manipulated by his boss (203). The solution: quitting his job. She presents this as a self-respecting decision, one that took courage but ultimately was beneficial. Yet she fails to acknowledge the multitude of privilege behind this man being able to quit so abruptly; he had already earned a lot of money and was likely in a financial position where he could afford to be without a job for some time, and his ability to be rehired elsewhere is likely high given his previous position as a vice president and the fact that he is a man. As a matter of fact, the author did not use the word “privilege” once in this entire book which I believe epitomizes the lack of nuance in this book.
The second major oversight with respect to the consequences of countercontrol is the books discussion of anger and aggression. Braiker presents the idea of emotophobia (40), the fear of “excessive or irrational fear of negative feelings… these fears encompass anger, aggression, or hostility and the conflict and confrontation that arouse them.” Put in different terms, it presented as a problem and character flaw that the victim choses to avoid conflict that may lead to anger, aggression, and hostility, and that in avoiding these situations they are “avoid[ing] dealing with negative emotions” (41). It is astounding to me that a Ph.D. clinical psychologist and a woman is able to completely dismiss the power that anger, specifically male anger, holds in a patriarchal society. Avoiding anger and aggression in situations of manipulation is not a people-pleasing tendency, it is an attempt to avoid the very real potential of violence.
For women, male anger always has the potential to escalate. To live in a patriarchal society is to know that it is built on the foundation of female disempowerment and subjugation, and female empowerment is a threat to this system. The author even said it herself that “if you are empowered to any degree, this represents less power for [the manipulator]” (56). And yet she does not realize or acknowledge that the potential consequence of this shift in power dynamics, with respect to angry men, is violence. This is especially true of intimate partner relationships, so it is particularly disconcerting to see how Braiker tries to paint physically abusive relationships as completely detached from the manipulation she wishes to address in her book (xi). She fails to recognize that the steps that precede physical violence is emotional manipulation, and that the jump from emotional manipulation to physical violence happens when the manipulator feels there is shift in power dynamics and they want to re-establish their control. So even when a man has never previously been physically violent, women are acutely aware, consciously or subconsciously, that violence is always a possibility when they choose to empower themselves and push back against manipulation (i.e., countercontrol) in the face of angry men, therefore calling an avoidance of anger “emotophobia” is wildly ignorant.
Jumping off of this point, because this book took such a broad approach to manipulation, many of its messages have the potential to be interpreted as victim-blaming even if that was not the intention of the author. It is clear that the author is trying to get the reader to understand their own role in the manipulative dynamic as a means of building a foundation of awareness that will allow the victim to start shifting the manipulative dynamic. However, if the reader is stuck in an emotionally abusive intimate relationship (a type of relationship that the author labels as manipulation), being told that they should “stop participating as a compliant victim” (179) will only have an adverse effect. The only section of the book where the author acknowledges that certain manipulative relationships should be escaped is in the section titled “Extraction” (174). It constitutes one page of the entire book, where though valid points are made – such as remaining in these relationships means “losing sight of who you are and what you value, need, and believe” (175) – she offers no method for identifying if a relationship is worth staying or leaving, merely that it may take some “deliberation” (174). She underestimates the psychological power that manipulators have on a victim’s psyche and ability to comprehend that they are even in a manipulative relationship. So, to assume that it would be easy for victims to know when it is time to leave or resist is oversimplifying things (not to mention power dynamics involving money that have already been addressed).
In sum, this book lacked any and all nuance underlying power dynamics in manipulative relationships meaning much of her messages fell short and came off as ignorant. It would have been far more effective had Braiker limited her analysis of manipulation to specific contexts (e.g., workplace, families) or meaningfully engaged in analysis of the various types of manipulative relationships and the various unique solutions for each.
February 19, 2024
wonderful and so very helpful
Hit the nail on the head. insightful, so very helpful, and dead on! They should teach this in school. Every woman who is in a difficult relationship needs to read this book!
Hit the nail on the head. insightful, so very helpful, and dead on! They should teach this in school. Every woman who is in a difficult relationship needs to read this book!
March 11, 2020
It was an okay read. Some interesting elements in here, such as the check lists and (few) examples.
But also an incredibly redundant read. Likewise, I'm not sure what the purpose of the anecdote regarding the magic trick the author's husband and three year old daughter was supposed to accomplish other than to make readers feel extremely stupid. The author kept repeating what a simple trick it was that everyone could easily know if they used their brain but then refused to reveal the answer so as "not to spoil the trick" for us. Uhhhh. Okayyyy...
The counter measures read like a manual to turn into a manipulator yourself. For instance, one of the author's "clients" broke up with her boyfriend, stating there was no point being together if he didn't marry her. Really? It was deemed a success that the man agreed to marry her client and that was the only reason she took him back. Sounds toxic to me but alrighty then.
I think the first half of the book is slightly better because it focuses on identifying patterns that make you a target and patterns of manipulators.
When it comes to advice how to evade manipulation or handle manipulators I really can't recommend this book though.
But also an incredibly redundant read. Likewise, I'm not sure what the purpose of the anecdote regarding the magic trick the author's husband and three year old daughter was supposed to accomplish other than to make readers feel extremely stupid. The author kept repeating what a simple trick it was that everyone could easily know if they used their brain but then refused to reveal the answer so as "not to spoil the trick" for us. Uhhhh. Okayyyy...
The counter measures read like a manual to turn into a manipulator yourself. For instance, one of the author's "clients" broke up with her boyfriend, stating there was no point being together if he didn't marry her. Really? It was deemed a success that the man agreed to marry her client and that was the only reason she took him back. Sounds toxic to me but alrighty then.
I think the first half of the book is slightly better because it focuses on identifying patterns that make you a target and patterns of manipulators.
When it comes to advice how to evade manipulation or handle manipulators I really can't recommend this book though.
April 13, 2013
This book is a bit longwinded, but presents some valuable info. Notes below. Can a nonfiction book have spoilers?
Buttons manipulators can push: need to please others, strongly motivated by approval of others/fear of rejection, fear of conflict or negative emotion, lack of assertiveness, ambiguous identity, indecisiveness/tendency to rely on other for help making decisions, and external locus of control (I am not in control of my life, I am fate's plaything).
Resistance techniques when the manipulator makes a demand: put them on hold or go to the bathroom, tell them you will take time to think it over and use the broken record technique if they try to pressure you, desensitize, label, disable, make terms, negotiate.
Broken record is observe the emotion expressed in the pressure/request, repeat verbatim the observation that you will take time to think it over.
Desensitize = alter your response to the anxiety, fear, or guilt.
Label: observation, emotion (need), request
Disable: "I understand that you wish I would (request/demand), but (manipulative tactic) is not going to make me agree."
Negotiate: state manipulator's goal and method, state your goal and method, look for compromise, or flip a coin, or toss in some quid pro quo "I'll do it your way if you X, or if we do it my way I will also Y".
Use journaling to detect thoughts and attitudes (buttons) that make you vulnerable to manipulation.
Buttons manipulators can push: need to please others, strongly motivated by approval of others/fear of rejection, fear of conflict or negative emotion, lack of assertiveness, ambiguous identity, indecisiveness/tendency to rely on other for help making decisions, and external locus of control (I am not in control of my life, I am fate's plaything).
Resistance techniques when the manipulator makes a demand: put them on hold or go to the bathroom, tell them you will take time to think it over and use the broken record technique if they try to pressure you, desensitize, label, disable, make terms, negotiate.
Broken record is observe the emotion expressed in the pressure/request, repeat verbatim the observation that you will take time to think it over.
Desensitize = alter your response to the anxiety, fear, or guilt.
Label: observation, emotion (need), request
Disable: "I understand that you wish I would (request/demand), but (manipulative tactic) is not going to make me agree."
Negotiate: state manipulator's goal and method, state your goal and method, look for compromise, or flip a coin, or toss in some quid pro quo "I'll do it your way if you X, or if we do it my way I will also Y".
Use journaling to detect thoughts and attitudes (buttons) that make you vulnerable to manipulation.
September 21, 2015
I enjoyed reading this book, tremendously in the beginning, and generally towards the end. I wish I had read it a couple years back. I had some great insights in the context of my past friendships and some current friendships. I had breakthrough insights regarding my own character; however, largely the majority of the material in this book felt as though it was coming late or to the wrong audience. Having gone through a moderate depression and already done a great amount of reflection and change in my life, the maladaptive habits of soft-targets were already known to me-though I was able to analyze the information from a different perspective, which I appreciated at times. I really enjoyed some of the exercises Braiker gives to break bad habits. I enjoyed the 5 real-life examples he gave of manipulative relationships and largely went through the book just to catch the conclusion of those stories. If I were a person in some terrible relationships I would more than likely have given this 4 or 5 stars. Alas it should be said I read this book because my friend enjoyed it. I would recommend reading this book to most people, but with the disclaimer that if you are a hardened target to manipulation it may drag on for you.
November 26, 2012
Although I am not currently involved in a manipulative relationship, but this book has made me more aware of the milder, unconscious manipulative behaviour present in everyday social interactions.
More importantly, it has given me more courage to draw the line and say "no", if I don't feel like it. I realise that I tend to be a "people pleaser" and try too hard to be a "nice" person. Unlike what society tells us, this behaviour is harmful to one's self-esteem and would eventually lead to unhappiness.
Highly recommended self-help book to those "nice" people out there!
More importantly, it has given me more courage to draw the line and say "no", if I don't feel like it. I realise that I tend to be a "people pleaser" and try too hard to be a "nice" person. Unlike what society tells us, this behaviour is harmful to one's self-esteem and would eventually lead to unhappiness.
Highly recommended self-help book to those "nice" people out there!
January 20, 2010
This is a quick easy read for anyone falling prey to the manipulators lurking just about everywhere. A lot is packed into this slim volume. It was an eye opener for me and a good introduction to manipulative personality disorders.
November 10, 2008
Excellent book! I can't rave enough about it!!! Everyone should read this book!
Read
October 6, 2012Very well written and an eye opener.
January 29, 2020
Useful. Could have been less repetitive.
January 25, 2020
Excellent book for anyone who has been manipulated. Braiker includes information on vulnerabilities that make us susceptible to manipulation, personalities more likely than others to manipulate others, practical exercises to help you break your tendency to give in to manipulation, and an overall plan to become as impervious to manipulation as it is possible to be. There are a few places where the writing or editing could be improved, but it's clear and concise. Though I'm several years out of the manipulative relationship that marked me, and have done a ton of emotional work already, I still found this a helpful read and plan to use some of the techniques from this book to continue to make progress.
June 11, 2019
I found this book very clear and easy to understand. It has many good tips. I would recommend this book 100%
October 14, 2024
4 stars. This book is full of helpful information and strategies. It was eye-opening in some self-reflective ways, too. It's nice to see how much I've grown and changed while also seeing situations differently. I am earmarking this for when I start practicing more desensitization. I am working more towards goals right now, but this was a nice bit of clarity and self-reflection to throw into the mix.
At one point of my life I had all seven of the buttons that make it easy to be manipulated:
1) disease to please (people pleasing)
2) addiction to earning approval and acceptance of others (validation seeking)
3) emotophobia - specifically fear of negative emotions of others
4) lack of assertiveness and inability to say no
5) blurry sense of idenity ("vanishing self")
6) low self-reliance - distrust own judgements and actions
7) external locus of control
And, reading this while reading a book on being the family scapegoat all of the seven traits seem to be linked with that particular kind of developmental trauma in order to survive as a child trapped in an abusive situation. It's not just repeating similar cycles, it's literally programmed into a pattern of behavior for survival. And, it's up to the person as an adult to realize it and work through it. The only person who's going to save you is your adult self. This is also mentioned in this book. You have to do the work if you want change.
At one point of my life I had all seven of the buttons that make it easy to be manipulated:
1) disease to please (people pleasing)
2) addiction to earning approval and acceptance of others (validation seeking)
3) emotophobia - specifically fear of negative emotions of others
4) lack of assertiveness and inability to say no
5) blurry sense of idenity ("vanishing self")
6) low self-reliance - distrust own judgements and actions
7) external locus of control
And, reading this while reading a book on being the family scapegoat all of the seven traits seem to be linked with that particular kind of developmental trauma in order to survive as a child trapped in an abusive situation. It's not just repeating similar cycles, it's literally programmed into a pattern of behavior for survival. And, it's up to the person as an adult to realize it and work through it. The only person who's going to save you is your adult self. This is also mentioned in this book. You have to do the work if you want change.
March 4, 2019
Why would you pick up a book about resisting manipulation?
Usual answer: you believe you might be unfairly taken advantage of.
Another answer: to learn to negotiate gracefully with your social network.
To get the things we want in today's society, at least in Western society, we pay the price tag. But for most things, friends, favours, career, there is no price tag amount. To get those, we ask, trade, negociate - and plead, whine, pressure. And they do, too, to us.
These are some of the building blocks of being sociable, after all. So when someone asks for something:
You can say 'yes' always and eventually be thought a doormat.
You can say 'no' always and be thought selfish.
You can be arbitrary, an be thought unreliable and not serious.
Or you can apply the methods for resisting manipulation (at the 68% point in the book) to assess how to gracefully assess, accept or refuse, without feeling guilty or reacting brusquely, and most importantly -
to act consistently and give people the impression that all their requests are treated with the same fairness and consideration.
The Good
The How to’s of how to nicely and assertively deal with unwanted behaviours from others. <— why I read the book.
The five acts: a collection of stories of manipulation and successful liberation (first and last chapter).
The self-diagnostic questionnaires.
The thought exercises (last 30%).
The Less appreciated
Less concise that ideal. There are three approaches recommended for reading long books.
1) Skim <— what I did.
2) Approach the Table of Contents like a menu and read selectively
3) Blinkist app. If applicable.
Usual answer: you believe you might be unfairly taken advantage of.
Another answer: to learn to negotiate gracefully with your social network.
To get the things we want in today's society, at least in Western society, we pay the price tag. But for most things, friends, favours, career, there is no price tag amount. To get those, we ask, trade, negociate - and plead, whine, pressure. And they do, too, to us.
These are some of the building blocks of being sociable, after all. So when someone asks for something:
You can say 'yes' always and eventually be thought a doormat.
You can say 'no' always and be thought selfish.
You can be arbitrary, an be thought unreliable and not serious.
Or you can apply the methods for resisting manipulation (at the 68% point in the book) to assess how to gracefully assess, accept or refuse, without feeling guilty or reacting brusquely, and most importantly -
to act consistently and give people the impression that all their requests are treated with the same fairness and consideration.
The Good
The How to’s of how to nicely and assertively deal with unwanted behaviours from others. <— why I read the book.
The five acts: a collection of stories of manipulation and successful liberation (first and last chapter).
The self-diagnostic questionnaires.
The thought exercises (last 30%).
The Less appreciated
Less concise that ideal. There are three approaches recommended for reading long books.
1) Skim <— what I did.
2) Approach the Table of Contents like a menu and read selectively
3) Blinkist app. If applicable.
October 21, 2013
Awesome! I wish i had read this book many yers ago. I can't praise it enough, even though i had come to similar conclusions earlier, through trial and error motivated by hurtful encounters.
i am not embarrassed to to admit reading a book titled, "Who's pulling your strings" because it's not about being a weak personn. Strong people can also be manipu'lated by people whom they feel a moral obligation towards,such as family members, just as the book lists them on top. This book's strnegth is to shedlight on the manpulator's mind and his/her tactics. That way you can freeyourself from giult, especially if the matter involves someone elderely to whom you owe respect andcourtesy on religious/moral grounds.
i am not embarrassed to to admit reading a book titled, "Who's pulling your strings" because it's not about being a weak personn. Strong people can also be manipu'lated by people whom they feel a moral obligation towards,such as family members, just as the book lists them on top. This book's strnegth is to shedlight on the manpulator's mind and his/her tactics. That way you can freeyourself from giult, especially if the matter involves someone elderely to whom you owe respect andcourtesy on religious/moral grounds.
July 20, 2014
One critical aspect of learning to deal with manipulators is to understand their psychology - but that is not nearly enough!
This book counsels we also take pity on our own vulnerability and that we arm ourselves with smart, sharp tools.
Just as the manipulator becomes more adept with each successful abuse, so too can victims excel at self-protection!
Eleanor Cowan, author of : A History of a Pedophile's Wife: Memoir of a Canadian Teacher and Writer
This book counsels we also take pity on our own vulnerability and that we arm ourselves with smart, sharp tools.
Just as the manipulator becomes more adept with each successful abuse, so too can victims excel at self-protection!
Eleanor Cowan, author of : A History of a Pedophile's Wife: Memoir of a Canadian Teacher and Writer
December 31, 2012
Definitely recommended for anyone who, like me, is susceptible to subordinating one's own feelings and well-being to someone else's. Braiker's overview and advice is extremely easy to follow, not overloaded with case studies (though some are included, just enough to provide examples but not bog the book down). Braiker's self-tests and descriptions resonated with my experiences, and her scripts for dealing with manipulative personalities in a variety of situations would save people struggling in such situations much grief.
January 14, 2014
I'm feeling a leeettle bit sheepish about reading this, but when life hands you a passive aggressive doozy, rife with backhanded compliments and hellbent on meddling in your life (without meaning well, I suspect), this is a good place to start.
Lessons
1. You're a wuss ass.
2. Stop being a wuss ass.
3. Stay calm and extract.
A short read and although I'm not a workbooky kind of person, it had some very practical answers without getting into the toxic people categorizing and nastiness.
Extract! Extract! Extract!
Now, where's my Dalek?
Lessons
1. You're a wuss ass.
2. Stop being a wuss ass.
3. Stay calm and extract.
A short read and although I'm not a workbooky kind of person, it had some very practical answers without getting into the toxic people categorizing and nastiness.
Extract! Extract! Extract!
Now, where's my Dalek?
July 5, 2016
This was actually pretty great. Especially as far as self help books go. Its a very interactive book that asks lots of questions of the reader and tries to give advice that can actually be used in real life Probably need to test the advice that the author gives in real life but it does seem pretty sound.
The author goes through some case studies which were pretty useful for imagining how all of these things work and tying in the theory. Should have spent more time on each of these but was still good overall.
The author goes through some case studies which were pretty useful for imagining how all of these things work and tying in the theory. Should have spent more time on each of these but was still good overall.
August 15, 2012
I feel that it's accurate, but wasn't transforming for me.
And I go back now... a few days later and think I judged this book too harshly. I think it spent more time convincing the reader that manipulation is real and possible and I didn't need that convincing. I was anxious to get onto the meat of how to be less susceptible, how to combat it, etc etc. Some pretty good insights and healthy tips in here.
And I go back now... a few days later and think I judged this book too harshly. I think it spent more time convincing the reader that manipulation is real and possible and I didn't need that convincing. I was anxious to get onto the meat of how to be less susceptible, how to combat it, etc etc. Some pretty good insights and healthy tips in here.
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