Stepmonster 1st (first) edition Text Only

by Wednesday Martin

What makes stepmothering so hard? And why are we, as people and a culture, so hard on stepmothers? How can we make it easier? Stepmonster is a truly unique and groundbreaking book for women with stepchildren, men with kids who repartner, adult stepchildren, and anyone who cares about them. It is a comprehensive, cross-cultural, research-based reconsideration of stepfamily dynamics--from the perspective of the stepmother. How does she think, act, and feel, and why? Part no-holds barred memoir of stepmothering in the trenches, part analysis of why stepmothering is tough and steps women with stepkids can take to thrive, Stepmonster has been hailed as the thinking woman's guide to stepmothering and life altering, igniting conversations, controversy, and changes in how we perceive and experience stepmothering.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development

Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.

A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Reviews

[Sonia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Let me start off by saying that nothing has liberated me from my internal struggles with step-motherhood like this book has. It has allowed me to feel okay about how I feel. Before my marriage I knew I was going to need some good advice on step-mothering so I bought a book on it. (And many others since) Regrettably, it was not this book as it was not yet published. THIS is the book you need. This book was written by a stepmother, for stepmothers. A negative review of this book could only come from someone who has not experienced step-motherhood!

Since many won't read this review in its entity, I must get this out right now...If you are contemplating marriage to a man with children then let me share a secret that no one shared with me... There isn't anything fun about a step family, and to elaborate, there is nothing fun about being a stepmom. I thought that step-motherhood was a mission I could undertake and I thought my gain was going to be far greater than my loss. I assure you... I was wrong!! No one warned me AT ALL of what I was facing and I am straight up pissed off about that. Being a step-mother makes for a difficult, lonely life and it doesn't ever feel like a real family. So I hate to sound bitter here, but the fact is, I am bitter. Save yourself the heartache. This is not what marriage (or family) was intended to be. Read this book and take heed! If you are not moved to seriously reevaluate your decision to marry this man, then you are a hopeless optimist. You will, throughout your marriage, be able to relate to damn near every sentence in this book.

Stepmonster - Even the title might scare you from reading it. Who would want to admit that they might be a Stepmonster? And you could certainly never let anyone see you reading this book. I bought this book instead of getting it from the library as I normally would to avoid the embarrassment and shame I would feel if the librarian might wonder if I were really a Stepmonster. I bought a book cover so I could read it in public places. And this book encompasses that reality in and of itself. I am of the fortunate step mothers who have 'good' step kids. And rarer yet: 'good, teenage, step-daughters'. Yet I still find myself feeling these step-monsterish feelings, which has lead me to feel horrible about myself and doubt the heart of what I know to be true...I am a good person.

My best friend is a step mom also,(Thank God)and I told her 2 things about this book before I was even 3 chapters into it.
1) Wednesday has been reading my journal. She has pegged my sentiments down to the quotation marks when I write about my 'family'.
2) Outside of our honest communication with each other, reading this book is the most therapeutic thing I have experienced since becoming a step-mom. It is important to have other stepmothers to talk to because no one except another Stepmom can truly understand and surely never show sympathy or compassion for an evil (or not so evil) Stepmom.

Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost.

I still have genuine moments of admiration for his children. They really are good kids, with good hearts. The truth is that if they were not my step-kids I could be free to love them for the wonderful spirits they are. But their mere position in my life and mine in theirs creates a barrier to that flow and serves as a daily reminder that I did not come first and there is nothing that can change that reality...Ever!

Bleak as it may be, I have found it to be 100% accurate. I felt validated at every turn of the page. By the end of the book I felt more human than monsterish, and that, my friend, hasn't been the case in over 5 years. Thank you, Wednesday, for that invaluable gift. Your book has allowed me to love me again!

[Jennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a stepmother. I am stepmother who never wanted kids. I am a stepmother who never wanted kids who nonetheless has a pretty fantastic relationship with her stepkids.

For these reasons, this is going to be an intensely personal book review.

I learned a few things from this book. 1) 70% of remarriages with children fail . Holy shit. 2) Most of those fail within the first three years. 3) If you make it to 5 years, remarriages with kids actually have a lower divorce rate than the general population. 4) I have three years to go before I am statistically "safe". Or at least "safer". 5) I am SUPER, SUPER LUCKY .

This book reads as a warning label to all women to Never, ever marry a guy with kids. I mean, I think it was supposed to be supportive, but holy god, if you weren't already a stepmom, I don't think you'd ever want to be after this. If books about parenting were this negative, people would lose their shit. What I got from this book is that basically, stepmothering is shit, and if for some twist of fate it's not total shit, you should get down on your knees and thank whatever god you believe in.

Ok, maybe it wasn't THAT bad. But still, it was pretty negative. And I get that the idea was to normalize the negative feelings you have as a stepparent. And the negative interactions you might have. But lets be honest, ALL parent have problems with their kids from time to time. Step parents just generally aren't allowed to voice that out in the world. Somehow, it's ok for biological parents to be frustrated and overwhelemed, but not stepparents. Particularly step mothers. I'm going to go ahead and blame sexism for this one.

There's a lot of focus in the book on the fact that you aren't going to love your stepkids like you love your own kids. That maybe you won't love your stepkids at all, and maybe you guys will never be more than civil to each other. I couldn't possibly say if the first part is true. I don't have biological kids, I won't have them and so I have no comparison. That being said, yes, it is hard to form a bond with a kid that you didn't pick out and that you weren't really looking to get. It can be hard to form a bond with your in-laws too, but no one faults you for that bond taking time. Or for it not being the same bond you have with your own parents. But god for fucking bid you not immediately fall in love with kids you just met who have to adjust to you being a parent in their life. Because kids are precious, and special. Vomit. Kids are people and we tend to forget this in our very kid-centric culture. They have personalities and those may not get along well with their biological parents, let alone the new stepparent. Basically, kids are people and you have to adjust your approach to forming relationships with them based on who YOU are and who THEY are. I'm pretty sure this should be common sense. I'm sorry it's not.

I'm not sure what I was expecting with this book, but I don't think I got it. I really appreciate Wednesday Martin putting out a public space for women to hear that the "bad" thoughts they have and the less than pleasant ways they feel about their stepkids are normal. i appreciate that she is honest that she's coming from a pretty heteronormative, white, upper class, American perspective. I like that she tried to incorporate other cultures and biological perspectives. But man, I could have done with a more balanced look at being a step mother and maybe some helpful and non-contradictory advice.

Also, why are all the men in this book complete and total douches? I know my husband felt guilty after his divorce. I know that he admits he went totally overboard financially the first Christmas after his divorce. But he's not a permissive parent. He's laid back, so am I. But he has rules. And he doesn't hesitate to see when his kids do something wrong and correct them. Because, you know, HE'S A FUCKING PARENT. It was very clear in this book that A TON of the problems stepmothers face come from their shit-for-brains husbands. "He feels guilty" "He's passive" "He can't hear anything bad about his kids" He's a fucking idiot. Your problem is that you married a mouse who shirks his responsibilities.

Which brings me to what I really got out of this book: I'm goddamn lucky. The circumstances favored me. I mean, my husband and I went through hell in the first year we were together. His ex-wife got remarried and moved 7 hours away. There was a court battle. There were custody fights. But that gave us a common goal. It gave us a place to come together and fight against something outside of the house. And it gave us a lot of time just us, away from the kids. Plus, we made a huge change, we moved to where the kids were. It gave us a fresh start, together, as a family. It showed the kids how important they are to us BOTH.

I also am smart enough to have married a man who DOES value our relationship. Who makes time for just the two of us. Who has ALWAYS made it clear to his kids that I'm a part of the family, that I'm a parent (albeit a step parent) and that he won't tolerate them misbehaving towards me. He gives me space to vent when I've had a bad day with the kids. He gives me space to "do me", and he takes time for the two of us, even when the kids are with us.

If you are going to marry a man with kids, marry one like mine. Don't marry a man who can't set boundaries with his ex and/or kids, it will apparently set you up for a really difficult time, more difficult than what you are already getting into. And remember, it's ok to have bad days. Every parent does.

[Christopher Payne · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Stepmonster" is a book from the perspective of and about stepmothers. I should add in my disclaimer here. I was eleven when my father married my current stepmother, I am a divorced father of three girls, sixteen, thirteen and eight, I am currently living with my fiancé (who has no children prior to our partnering), and she asked me to read this. I agreed to do so, since we attempt to do everything in our collective powers to make a happy home for all parties involved. My thirteen and eight year old daughters live one week with my fiancé and me and one week with their mother. My sixteen year old lives with her mother full time. Probably no need to explain the last comment. Oh, one final thing, my fiancé has not yet read this book. She was currently reading something else when we purchased it, and graciously waited for me to finish it first.

I started this book with a blank agenda, no preset plan or ideas on what it would tell me. My fiancé is a school psychologist and we are very open in our relationship. About twenty five percent of the way through my reading, she asked me what I thought, and my response was this. The overriding theme of the book is simple. It is the father's fault. The irony is, I am not sure there was even a question in the book, but throughout every chapter there is only one thing in common, it is the father's fault. I laughed when I told her, but since I wasn't finished yet, I felt I should give the book the benefit of the doubt and see how it evolved. Sadly, at least for me, nothing changed.

From men who cared very little about getting involved, to men who lived off of their wives income, all the way to men who basically told their new wives to mind their own business in regards to the children, these fathers all seemed more like horrible people than actual fathers in a new marriage. Other than a couple of passages where Dr. Wednesday Martin gives a few small accolades to some involved fathers, the men referenced in her book were a sad lot. My advice to the small sample she used for reference would be, forget about your issues with step-parenting and figure out how to pick out a decent husband. You might need a good dating service versus parental guidance because the guy you are with now, sounds like a loser.

Sadly it seems that Dr. Martin used a pretty small sample size of white middle class American woman. She apparently attempted to gather some minority data, but that data was used from secondary sources. It just didn't seem like the book was an actual depiction of broader based American families, or if it was, there are some serious issues with the parenting and partnership skills of a lot of men in the world. This is not even mentioning chapter two of the book, "She's such a Witch", which tries to show how society historical has tortured and murdered stepmothers by using a real life example of a murder trial. The father wasn't even tried. I guess because we allow men to murder freely and only try mothers of step children. I couldn't really figure out why this chapter was even in the book.

Speaking of, why was it in the book, the entire section on sociobiology was nothing more than the regurgitation of other studies. It didn't seem to be in the book to prove any of Dr. Martin's theories, but more filler to round out the book’s size than anything else. As a father of three girls who is living with his fiancé, I feel the need to open up a dating service and do my best to help single women find a decent partner. Chapter after chapter, I truly felt sorry for the women in this book who were surveyed.

OK, now that I have used up all of my negative energy, and I am sure lost most of the women audience, let me say that I think the book is absolutely worth reading. It does give several examples of actual situations that a person might find themselves in, even if it also gives a huge amount of exaggerated examples that I hope to god are not common. A specific one rang very true with me and my fiancé.

My fiancé had expressed the displeasure with my eight year old pushing her out of the way. I discounted her theory, saying that I just didn't see it. I read a passage in "Stepmonster" where it describes this activity and discounted this as well, since everything else in the book did nothing but trash fathers. Seconds after setting down the book, I walked downstairs where my fiancé stood by the sink. I stood next to her, talking to her for about 30 seconds, when my eight year old came into the kitchen, pushed her way between us, edging my fiancé to the side. I smiled, told her that was not acceptable and apologized to my fiancé. Damn, nobody is perfect huh, and yes the book was correct.

So “Stepmonster” absolutely does have some helpful information. I would only caution readers that in reality a household is filled with many personalities and everyone should work together to ensure each individuals concerns are met and dealt with. In the end there are two people, a husband and a wife. They are the ones who set the standards and both have to communicate and support each other above and beyond anything else. Failure to do that will cause issues and as all parents know, children will sense this and definitely take advantage.

So bottom line is three stars, but read with a grain of salt. If you start pointing a finger to stringently in one direction your anger and animosity might lead to the demise of the very thing you were trying to fix in the first place. Ok ladies, I am ready for my lashing now, but when you tire of beating me, and if your man resembles any of the men used as examples in this book, I do know a couple of wonderful single guys with kids who are amazing, compassionate, giving individuals. And I promise you they will communicate with you as a partner, while listening to your needs, ensuring you approach things as a team. Not with one party or the other pointing their finger and blaming.

[Alene · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so so so so glad I read this book! As a stepmother I've never felt more validated in my life for every feeling I've ever had of being misunderstood, misjudged, and a complete outsider in my own home. The answer to all of those painful tensions, spoken or not, and painful feelings just isn't to just "be nicer" as if we haven't all bent over backwards already.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that there is an answer, though this book does seem to push the stance of being a more distant and detached figure in your stepchild's life to avoid being hurt as we value ourselves based on the quality of our relationships and we hope our stepchildren will like us as all others seem to think they do or will or should.

I have to say it's pretty depressing though to realize that things most likely won't get better with time. Turning that hope off of having a good relationship someday seems pretty negative and scary that it could be a mistake, even if it is the most healthy thing to do for myself.

I could have echoed every story told in the book and sometimes the words used by other stepmoms were the exact ones I have said myself trying to explain the situation to others.

I know in my head that stepchildren resent their stepparents mostly because they're angry at their own parents or they feel they've lost something once you exist, but in my heart I just still feel a loss that I can't seem to have a relationship with my stepchild--I know it's unrealistic, but it's so hard to get over that hope. And to also hope that I can have a relationship with my partner without some of the compound problems.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm in the middle of reading this book. As a father of a teen who lives with my wife (the stepmother) and me, I'm finding this book enlightening. It's really helping me to understand the dynamics of our home through my wife's eyes. The role of stepmother is so challenging and often so thankless. Reading this book is helping me to clearly see where my response and reactions (or lack of) can really contribute to the unique issues stepmothers face. We checked this book out from the library but are going to have to buy a copy so we can underline, highlight, discuss, and refer to it. This isn't a "self help" book, but there is an awful lot of good stuff contained in it that can be used to help yourself (and your family). I think all dads married to stepmothers should also be reading this!

[Empress5150 · Rating 3 out of 5]

I initially found this very interesting, informative and helpful. Until I got to the chapters where the author starts delving into bee eating birds and Mormons in some attempt to explain why women who are not mothers don't have the same feelings for a child as their mother does. Which, I think, most of us have already figured out!
I ended up skipping two chapters (as I don't really care about birds or Mormons or how stepmothers in Burma cope; not relevant). The last two chapters were pretty good; especially the one about stepmothers with adult stepchildren (I think MY stepmother and my mom might find this chapter interesting).
Anyway, as a stepmother who is sometimes pretty irritated with my stepdaughter and occasionally with her father (and almost constantly with her mother) this book was a bright spot. I'm not evil. I'm normal.
I also thank God my stepdaughter is nowhere near as awful as some of the kids described in this book.
I think this is a "must read" for any stepmother. You just may have to skip around it a bit.

[Michele Hush · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're a stepmother or if you're thinking of becoming one, read this book. It will free you from unrealistic expectations and help you when you're ready to lose your mind.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Nobody wants a stepmother....Stepmothering is born of grief. It is, at its heart, an unhappy business."

This book has been an absolute godsend for me; if you're considering marrying someone with children, it's worth reading. I (single and with no children of my own) got married in 2007 to a widower with two boys and was completely blindsided by how difficult life as a stepmother and life in a stepfamily turned out to be. I wasn't naive--I knew it would be challenging and had done research on the grieving process (my own mother lost her mom as a young girl) and the experience of widowers--but I honestly anticipated that I would be able to do some good, to love and be loved. I was completely caught off guard to be the object of so much indifference, suspicion, and hate as I tried to establish a home with my (very supportive) husband. Also, I was unprepared and definitely not equipped to deal with the mental/emotional/psychological problems I have encountered, and this has been overwhelming.

I wish I had had access to the book earlier---it wasn't published until 2009--but am so thankful I found it seven years later, at a point where our family difficulties and the attendant depression I felt because of them nearly swallowed me whole and made me feel like I had lost the optimistic, happy person I used to be. If nothing else, the book has validated my overall experience and feelings of loss and frustration I've had (in addition to the joy) and let me know that "conflict and difficulty [in stepfamilies] are par for the course" and not necessarily the result of my "ineptitude" or "wickedness." I could relate to many of the vignettes shared by women interviewed for the book. I've learned that, of course (!), relatedness matters; stepfamilies are not like first families and that's okay; and that having different (lower) expectations about how things go often helps peace to flourish in the home, benefiting everyone involved.

Some stepmothers have an easier time than others--and the author points this out. If your experience hasn't been easy, or if you anticipate that, although things are going well now, they could get complicated down the road (for example, when young children reach adolescence), you'll find Martin's discussion valuable.

Of course, the importance of the children's perspective in a remarriage cannot be understated and thankfully, there is much literature and research on how remarriage and blended family life affects children, who have no say in whether or not their parent(s) remarry after death or divorce. This book is important because it focuses on another perspective--one that I feel has been underrepresented in the general discussion of stepfamilies.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read soooooooo many books about stepmothers, only to be left disappointed and sometimes MORE angry after finishing them. This is the one and only book that I have read that actually pertains to my life. I think that as a mental health professional myself, I took it very hard when I just couldn't master my role as a stepmother. I have a happy and successful life with fulfilling relationships. . .I have overcome past trauma and hurts. . .I am a kind and empathetic counselor. . .heck, I live for challenges! The role of stepmother is inherently impossible. If I try too hard to be a part of their lives, they don't like it. If I don't try at all, then I'm a cold fish. A lot of the books I read on Stepmothers suggested giving, giving, and then giving some more love. . .eventually it will pay off. Well, I am not holding my breath. According to the women Wednesday Martin interviewed it usually doesn't pay off. . .and in fact, this can go on for years and decades. So what we stepmoms really need to do is find a way to keep OUR sanity in tact. Our happiness has to be #1. We have to take care of ourselves. I found this book to be extremely validating. Thank you Dr. Martin ! You have really helped me personally and professionally. :-)

[Nicolle · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a SM, this book hit right on the mark. There are so many different waves of emotions to untangle and understand and after reading this book it made me feel human and not alone.

I would recommend this book to any man/woman who have decided to enter the not-so-popular world of step-parenting.

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is all about the realities of being a stepmother: feeling like an outsider, the kids disregarding and disrespecting you all the time (and the husband indulging them), having to live in someone else's rules and mess, being expected to put everyone else first and magically, automatically love some often-unlikable people.

It was a refreshing but arduous read. I've felt pretty much every single thing in the book, despite not even officially being anyone's stepmother. It's incredible to discover I'm not a horrible person after all, just human. But, at the same time, realizing that the situation is the problem, not me, is kind of discouraging. I can change me. The situation, considerably less so.

Honestly, I was really surprised to discover that other people have these problems, and not just other people, but even other species. The chapters on birds, bees, and stepmothers in Africa kind of read like a sudden detour into somebody's dissertation, but they were still informative in showing that it's not a character defect to fail to instantly love and adore your stepchildren. We judge ourselves for this, but apparently it's a pretty universal biological response across cultures and species. It's not evil, it's natural!

Overall, two things stand out for me as takeaways from this book.

- The whole premise that the kids have to come first is flawed. In a nuclear family, nobody expects the wife to take a backseat to the kids. She will choose to sacrifice herself for them--probably often--but the two parents are primary, and they're the foundation the rest of the family is built around. Everyone seems to agree that the whole family thing works best if the parents present a united front to the kids and build a structure for them, where the adults--not the kids--are clearly in charge. Not authoritarian, but authoritative. Otherwise, the kids feel unsafe and freak out.

Yet, in remarriages, it's like people throw all that out the window. The relationship between the parent and the kids becomes the primary one in the household, because people believe they're bad if they don't put their kids first. But it's impossible to build a working family without the center of authority being the adults. The adults don't present a united front--usually the step-parent is expected to act as a babysitter at best and is not empowered to discipline the kids or even require respect from them. The kids don't have the authority structure they need to feel safe, so they act even worse, and everything just mushrooms. The sibling-rivalry-type feeling I often get from my pseudo-step-kid is exactly the expected result of this setup.

For actual stepmothers, what this means is that the husband has to put her first for the whole thing to become a functional family. But for me, that doesn't seem like it totally makes sense. Maybe last year, when I was actively participating in everything, but not so much now, when all I really want is the fun parts. But it certainly isn't asking too much to expect to be treated as well as any other adult who is not part of the family.

- Tons of problems are rooted in stepmothers' co-dependently trying so damn hard to make everything work. They feel responsible for making the new family gel, and they so desperately want the stepkids to like and accept them! So they bite their tongues, put up with shit, bend over backwards for unappreciative brats, end up resentful and exhausted, and eventually give up.

This is exactly the trajectory I took, except I don't think I was ever really all that attached to being liked. Unlike many of the women in the book, I'd be content with being treated with a minimum level of decency and respect, and otherwise left alone. I'm not trying to get on the cover of a Christmas card; I just want a harmonious life. It helps that I don't actually live in this family and have no intentions of doing so--if stuff bothers me too much or things get too intense, I can just go home. If I was stuck there all the time, I would go completely insane. I don't know how people do it.

Overall, the only people who seem to actually be happy as stepmothers and have deep, rich relationships with their stepchildren are the people who really really wanted kids in the first place and couldn't have them, so when they get stepkids, it's like they adopted them. That seems to be about 5% of the cases. For all the people who wanted the guy and considered the kids to be a drawback they were willing to put up with (which is almost everybody else), it's a shitty situation that takes at least 4-5 years to ever resemble anything smooth or functional, if it ever does. No freaking way I'd sign up for this on a full-time basis.

Notes:
p. 70 Take care of yourself, and don't let yourself be ruled by the teen's moods. "Your life matters as much as the teen's, Ayers emphasizes, knowing our tendency to give in to the pull of the endlessly needy, volatile, and demanding adolescent." (Ayers is "Albany, New York, clinical psychologist Lauren Ayers, Ph.D., who specializes in treatment of adolescents.") Balance between caring and letting go.

p. 71 Keep activities with teens one-on-one. "Minimize 'all-together' activities in spite of your urge to be the Waltons." That way everyone is special and nobody is an outsiders. Also, make activities "shoulder to shoulder" rather than "eyeball to eyeball"--baking, puzzles, movies, etc. Make sure you get couple time so all the stress doesn't wreck your relationship.

p. 78 "A number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial. It may jar us to learn that our concept that 'the kids are the most important thing' is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships. The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these beliefs makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them."

(!!!)

"Andres Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, 'In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.'"

p. 83 "Experts tell us that a woman's self-worth, even her very sense of identity, are wrapped up in, even inextricable from, her success in relationships…Simply put, we need to like and be liked, and anything less smacks of fault and failure." That's why we try so hard, and that's why we get so depressed if it doesn't work.

p. 99 It's ok to disengage. If the kids are ongoingly hostile and your husband is unsupportive, it makes sense to stop being so wrapped up in everything and try less, or even stop trying altogether. They're not your kids. You're not responsible for raising them or for what kind of people they grow into--your husband is. He'll probably handle it differently than you would, but ultimately, it's his responsibility, not yours. Your responsibility is to stop letting them treat you with disrespect.

p. 121 Husbands often let the kids run everything because they feel guilty about the divorce and are very afraid that they'll lose custody and never see the kids again. That's why they let the kids have their way all the time.

p. 125 Divorce rate is up to 65% for remarriages where one partner has children; 70% if both have children. The divorce rate for remarriages with children is 50% higher than without. Children are the #1 source of stress and conflict in remarriages. Only 5% of 1,400 participants in one study said the kids added to their marriage as an asset.

Why? Conflict, outsider/insider dynamics, the polarization that occurs around parenting styles, coordinating activities, the ex.

"With the cards stacked against it, your marriage needs more than mere tending. Battered by issues and dynamics not found in a first union, yours will not survive unless it is given special priority by both you and your husband."

p. 128 Trying to give everyone equal time and equal standing, trying to put both the wife and the kids first, is basically impossible and leads to confusion and stress. "In a successful and satisfying first marriage, the partnership is the foundation of the entire family system. Without it, there is no family." In a remarriage, there is a long shared history with the kids and far less with the new partner. If the parent doesn't make it clear that the couple relationship is first, the hierarchy is unclear, which leads to disrespect, boundary-testing, and more upheaval.

"Given such potential problems, stepfamily experts such as Emily and John Visher and James Bray advise that the partnership between adults must be strong and primary and that the couple must be a unified team in a step family more than in any other kind of family. Summarizing his research, his years of experience as a psychologist and family therapist, and his position on the matter, Bray states, 'Marital satisfaction almost always determines stepfamily stability. If satisfaction is high, tolerance for the normal tumult and conflict of stepfamily life is correspondingly high. If marital satisfaction is low, however, tolerance for conflict is so low that often the stepfamily dissolves in divorce.' Given the incredible vulnerability of the couple relationship in stepfamilies, giving priority to this relationship increases the changes of keeping the stepfamily together. Translation: putting the marriage first is good for everyone."

p. 130
"Above all, putting your marriage first means thinking of yourself and your partner as a team." -- No need to shut the kids out or ignore them, but live your life. Make couple time, hold hands, do stuff together, and don't cater to their every whim. Have each other's backs.

p. 235
Severe depression/burnout is a common result of being a stepmother, especially if you keep putting yourself last and nobody appreciates or supports you.

p. 247
How to fix: 1. psychoeducation (learning this stuff is normal). 2. learning better interpersonal skills to improve interactions. 3. therapy to clear out any old stuff from family of origin that may be repeating

p. 274
In the long term, you'll be happier if you're not hobbled by the need for your stepkids to like you. Just do your best. It's ok to stop trying if it's hopeless.

p. 275
Stand up for yourself.

"Again and again, women with stepkids showed me that it is a quick slide from 'I bite my tongue when his kids say something rude or mean to me because I don't want to get into an argument with them' to 'I'm afraid to lay down the law in my own home.' Next stop is 'I nag my husband to get his kids to act better and be nicer to me, and then he and I have a huge fight.' Then on to 'I hate being a stepmother' and, finally, 'I just can't do this anymore.'"

p. 276
"Don't give stepkids the opportunity to break anything of value to you, including your heart." Lower your expectations of them and focus on living your own life. Everyone will be happier.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are three things that I've done in my life that I'm happy about/proud of but will never, ever, ever recommend that other people do: Get Lasik eye surgery (scariest thing I've ever done); go through natural childbirth (most painful thing I've ever done); become a stepmother (most difficult experience ever and I'm in it for life). Isn't it weird? That I'm so, so incredibly happy to have all of those experiences, but honey, no, I will at best remain neutral if you asked me if you should do those very same things, and at worst, tell you to run far, far away.

Being a stepmother is incredibly rewarding. But if you're going to be a stepmother, you need to read this book because it's also very difficult on you, your self-esteem, your marriage, everything. I'm just sorry that I waited so long to read it. But I was happy to read that I was mainly already following Wednesday's advice without having read the book (DISENGAGE!). And I was super happy to read that Husband and I are pretty much out of the woods (apparently if you're married/have been dealing with the step situation for five years, you have very good chances of having a lasting, happier marriage!).

I am giving this four stars instead of five because I do think more research could have gone into it (the main demographic interviewed were upper middle class white women from the Northeast, like Wednesday herself). And at the same time, less research? Because the entirety of Party III just made me feel like screaming, "Science!" I kind of hated that we were reading about birds of all things to show us how, I don't know, even animal research shows that being a stepmother is tough? Your stepkids will not like you as much as their own mother (duh). You took on the stepkids as an elaborate courting ritual to get your mate (duh again). Can we please just go back to reading about stepmothers and their experiences? Because that's the best part. Everything is either (1) that happened to me too or (2) geez, at least my life isn't that bad (some stepkids are so mean! I have a good one! And some husbands are horrible and undermine their wives. Not like mine at all, thank goodness, because I would just recommend divorce in those situations. And I am not a person to recommend that lightly.)

Anyhoodle, this is the most reassuring (step)parenting book I've ever read. Finally somebody is saying that your family doesn't have to blend. Finally somebody is saying that you might not like your stepkid sometimes and that's okay (I actually feel guilty saying that, but you know what? I don't expect to like my own biological child all the time. Why should it be expected that I always like my stepkid? And why am I a monster if I admit that anyway?). Finally somebody is just saying, You know what? This is hard. So don't beat yourself up. Nobody ever says any of these things!! Thank goodness for this book and Wednesday Martin.

[Beth Gea · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Love thyself, because your stepkids won’t.”

Leer este libro ha despertado muchas emociones en mi.

La primera es una advertencia para cualquier mujer que esté pensando en empezar una relación con un hombre que ya tiene hijos: si puedes, huye. El desgaste es tan enorme que muchas veces sentirás que no merece la pena y que eres la protagonista de la canción "Creep" de Radiohead.

También me he sentido reflejada, vista y he podido poner palabras a situaciones en las que me he encontrado.

También, y quizás esta sea la parte más difícil, me he sentido desalentada ante un futuro en el que lo más probable es que mi hijastra nunca me reconozca como a un ser humano con sentimientos sino como la causa de todos sus problemas. Este futuro probable (y más que plausible) ha hecho que empiece (otro) duelo (más) ante las expectativas de lo que supone ser madrastra.

Aunque me quedo particularmente las enseñanzas que podemos extraer de las "madrastras malvadas" de los cuentos, siendo la primera: quiérete tú antes que a nadie, porque eres lo más importante de tu vida.

[Joella · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book totally gets what it is like to be a step-mom. Granted, I am very grateful that my step-daughter isn't like many of the examples in here. BUT it is nice to know that with all the craziness of being a "blended" family the emotions that we both are feeling are normal. And it is nice to hear that I won't be a "wicked step-mom" for just feeling exhausted emotionally now and again--or at least I won't be "wicked" in terms of how other step-moms view me. Apparently there are some hard stereotypes that happen where it might virtually be impossible to get away from this perception with some people. But yay for a book that can express all the overwhelming bits that I needed to work through in this first bit of becoming a step-mom. I highly recommend for anyone who joins this awkward club.

[Lisa Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book describes the experience of being a step-mom PERFECTLY and describes how some step-dads feel very accurately as well (since my kids have my current husband as a step-dad and I had a step-dad growing up). Although it didn't offer a ton of practical advice, just knowing that we (step-familes) are not alone in what we are going through is amazing & very helpful. I recommend this book wholeheartedly if you know anyone in a step-family situation. And the book title is not reflective of how much the book encompasses & what the book is really about.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting read for since I'm a stepmother but didn't find it related to my situation at all. She portrayed all the husbands as unsupportive of their wives and oblivious to their children's behaviors. I don't know maybe I'm lucky and found the only man in America that believes a marriage is a partnership, whether it's his first or second marriage. I've never felt like my husband puts me second when it comes to his son and he always backs me up if his son is misbehaving at home or school.

[Books & Shelves · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm currently new to the step mother game lol,,, and this book really broke down some of the issues I'm facing currently; honestly I wish I could have gotten my hands on the book before I stepped into my role as a step mother but it's never to late -right :) but a must read for any person about to take that leap into step parenting.

[Sarenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Four years ago, I had this insane idea that I'd combine two families and we'd seamlessly blend and live happily ever after. Four years later, I felt like a complete failure. If I got one thing from this book, it's that my step family isn't necessarily a failure, but normal.

I was under the impression that I would need to come into this new household and become the mother. My step daughter and I would bond and I'd have this relationship with her like the one I have with my two boys. Things wouldn't be perfect, but they'd be good. Really good.

And they are. Sometimes. But a lot of times they're not. And I took that personally. Like I had failed somehow. Never stopping to think that the odds were stacked against us from the start. This book helped me to see that step families face difficulties that first families can't understand (which explains why none of my friends "get" where I'm coming from), and that there is no such thing as a "traditional" or perfect step family.

The expectation that a step family will look like a traditional "first" family was my downfall. I felt like I was standing in the middle of a tornado, my life and family spinning like a whirlwind around me. I felt crazy and that I couldn't meet anyone's expectations, including my own. And this book assured me that all this is completely normal.

The most helpful part of this book was the discussions of everyone's perspectives - the stepmother, the step-child, and the father. Not only did I relate to the step mother portions of the book - the feelings of failure, exhaustion, anger, depression, isolation, and responsibility for making this family thing work, I was assured that all these feelings and problems were completely normal.

The book also gave some perspective from the step-child. Being able to see my position through my step-daughter's eyes was extremely helpful. While knowing where she is coming from won't necessarily solve any of the issues we have, I can at least come to the realization that there are some forces at work here that I just can't control. Her behavior is also completely normal.

And there was even some insight as to my husband's role in all this. I'm on the fence as to whether or not to have him read this book. He still has visions of the blended step-family. I will step up and mother his daughter and we will all be one big, happy family. I can appreciate his feeling torn between the two women in his life (me and his daughter). I can also understand his being blind to his daughter's behaviors towards me. He just doesn't see it.

And finally (this shocked me) I was able to gather a bit of empathy for my ex's wife (my son's step mother). Realizing that she is dealing with the exact same thing I am, only with my oldest son. It can't be easy for her either. Do I feel sorry for her? Not really. I have my own issues with her that prevent me from going THAT far, but I can say I do understand the immense pressure she must feel to make the step family look perfect to an outsider.

All in all, if you're a step mother, or are considering becoming a step mother, read this book. If nothing else, it will remove those rose colored glasses and shatter the Brady Bunch image of step families that has been thrust upon so many of us.

[Kathryn Holmes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the fifth book I have read on stepparenting and by far my absolute favorite. The author whom is a stepmother herself writes in a raw honesty that is nothing short of liberating, validating and simply refreshing. She doesn't sugarcoat any circumstances and is completely honest with all types of feelings one may have as a stepparent. After reading this book I am able to take a look at my own situation and realize that certain things I am going through as a stepmom are completely 'normal'. To be able to feel that alone, is comfort in its entirety. As a stepmom there are many struggles that one may go through. What makes all the difference is being aware of potential struggles, learning how to process what you are feeling, realize you can't fix or control most situations and that all you can do is control how you react to said situations. This book is definitely worth a read to anyone who is a stepparent.

[Jessica Richards · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the best book I have read on stepfamilies. I have struggled with my role for 11 months now and have finally seen the light. This book provides an accurate description of the less than glamorous life of being married to a man with children. After reading this book, I feel set free from many of my internal struggles that have sucked the life out of me in this past year. Dr. Wednesday Martin's research was well displayed in this book - a must read for any stepmom.

[Leanora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down the best book I've read in a long time. I finally feel less alone in the complex world of stepmothers, "blended" families, and don't feel as "crazy," when it comes to my trials, tribulations, thoughts, hurts, confusion and triumphs. A must read for anyone who is a stepmom, wants to understand us, know what to say (and whatnot to say!) and for husbands of step moms. All the heart eyes for this book.

[Elisabeth Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're married to a man who has children, this could be a godsend. In particular, Martin addresses the issues around adult stepchildren, which is unusual.

[Maxine (Booklover Catlady) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for any Stepmother, one of the few books out there that covers the good, the bad and the ugly side of the stepmothers journey. A validating book.

[Emilie Pasquet · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book puts words on situations, dynamics and feelings that I could not express so far. So helpful and liberating. Thank you for breaking the taboo about stepmothering. This book is a game changer

[Veronica · Rating 5 out of 5]

There was a point in my life, early 2015, where I was overwhelmed. I was a full-time student, I worked full-time, I was planning a wedding, and we were moving. I was also facing the prospect of becoming a full-blown stepmother, to a child whom my fiance had full custody of from a previous marriage. I had known this little boy since the age of three, and we had a loving, respectful relationship. But. There are a million and one complications that come with parenting a child who simply isn't yours, and I was feeling every single one of them. Add in the fact that the biological mother is mentally ill, and that my future stepson had been struggling in school/socially/developmentally so badly that teachers continuously asked us to get him tested for autism, and I was feeling a bit like a house of cards.

There is a famous Leo Tolstoy quote that begins his famous Anna Karenina that goes, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think this applies to "blended families," as the term goes. Being a stepmother is damned hard, but the situation varies so wildly from one woman to the next that it's impossible to know how to help.

Except you know what helped me? This book! I think this book actually started me down a path that saved my life. Whenever I felt guilty (oh, the guilt!) or isolated ("real" mothers are at the top of the hierarchy, and boy do they look down/your in-laws are watching your every move) or sad, phrases from this book would leap out and help me.

Wednesday Martin (both a stepmother and biological mother) takes society's age-old stereotypes and throws them on their heads. She points out the double standards (children are expected and forgiven to hate/resent their stepmothers, but these women must unconditionally love a strange child from the get-go.) She points out how stepmothers are more prone to depression than any other family member of any family, and why that is. She talks about how you give, and you give, and you give, but unlike biological mothers, you get none of the joy/acknowledgement/reward.

The thing is, this book saves your worrying little stepmother's soul. You read this book and you're not alone anymore. She interviews countless women, who share their hidden, suppressed feelings about how hard this all is. You read this book and you stop feeling the crushing guilt. You move forward with a new understanding of how your step-relationship can move forward, no matter what kind of situation you're in. It's not a perfect book, but by God, it tells you that you are doing just fine. It's less a how-to, and more of a resounding cry - you're not alone in this.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone knows the story of the Evil Stepmother. She only has her own interests at heart. She treats the stepchild like a slave. She yells, berates, demeans, and discourages. She may even be trying to kill you.

Now, anyone who has dated and/or married someone with a child/children knows all too well that the stereotypical stepmother is one that not only the children latch onto, but too often the stepmother as well. With half of the women in the United States living with, married to, or going to be living with a man with children, the feeling of being a "Stepmonster" is all too real.

But never fear, Wednesday Martin has come to save step-relationships everywhere with this well-researched and well-written book. Martin uncovers the emotional mysteries of the stepmother- why does a stepmother think, act, and feel they way she does? Being in a relationship with a man with children is not for the selfish, lazy, or faint of heart. It is hard work to create any kind of relationship (especially the older the stepchildren are) at all, much less one that is based on mutual understanding and love.

Martin identifies five specific issues that create drama in the step-family, from the fairy tales and myths of the blended family to competitions. Martin writes from the knowing perspective of a woman who has been there, done that. The book is broken down into easily digestible "chunks" and there is more than enough food for thought. She splashes stories of real blended families and their conflicts throughout the book to shout "You're Not Alone!", and she doesn't pin the blame for the way things are in the step-family situation on anyone or anything, but uses even the Wicked Stepmother analogy to show how to gain understanding.

I recommend Stepmonster to stepmothers everywhere. I even think grown stepchildren could learn quite a lot from this book, even though it is targeted at the stepmother.

[Shellie (Layers of Thought) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a self help book. That Wednesday Martin has a Ph.D in comparative literature helps the reader understand the methodology used within the writing of Stepmonster. Where she does just that – compares literature from various sources. This provides the reader with a virtually seamless and multidisciplinary book about step mothering. It is a myth busting mélange of information to help the reader understand this complex and misunderstood relationship.

Examining fairy tales from all over the world about step mothers, including Hansel and Gretel and Snow White, Wednesday addresses some of the beliefs we hold in our cultural consciousness from the retelling of these stories – they are not the best. In addition she enlightens the reader through referencing data collected from sociobiology, anthropology, and psychology. All supporting the notion that step parenting is a challenge regardless of country or culture and in the animal kingdom as well. She reveals that there is an array of misinformation surrounding the relationship even with psychologists, and those whose job it is to help with the relationship. Where it becomes apparent that within our culture’s current child centered rearing practices it is often the stepmother whom is the least sympathized with and understood.

Warning: It is not an easy read. Several times is became esoteric due to scientific data (which also solidify the book’s concepts), as well as the fact that it addresses difficult emotional content. Ultimately, Stepmonster is enlightening. I truly believe it to be an absolute must read for every step mother, any woman considering being seriously involved with a man whom has children, and a recommended read for step children.

[Lietta · Rating 4 out of 5]

She herself is a stepmother, writing in a kind of raw honesty of the numerous potholes along the way for a new wife who simultaneously becomes a stepmother. Historically much is alluded as to the wicked or evil stepmother and that mantra somehow has gained traction over the ages. I like her approach to the subject in not trying to sugar coat what are some very real, very confusing emotional travails. While she contends - and I agree - that the stepmother will find herself in a one down position more often than not, identifying some of the skills it takes to work through the tangled brush that is an almost natural evolution of the relationships, the book serves as a useful handbook guide. I read it, then read it together with my husband. The book covers some difficult territory, and yet I think can bring about some healing interactions. I appreciated that she spent time in bringing to attention how stepmother feels rather than how stepmother should feel, and moves that into the healing arena.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is helpful to stepmoms at any point on their journey, and I wish it had been around when I first became a stepmom. Unlike other books for stepmothers, it doesn't offer advice. Rather, Martin surveys and synthesizes studies done on stepfamilies with a focus on what research tells us about stepmothers (vs. other members of the family); these studies are drawn from the fields of sociology, anthropology, psychology, and history, as well as contemporary media and pop culture. Martin pulls no punches and dares to say the unsayable: that stepmothers may not like their stepchildren (in addition to the children not liking them), that fathers are often unsupportive, that stepmothers have the most difficult role of anyone in a family system, and more. She acknowledges and supports the stepmother with information, but doesn't seek to lead her down a specific path. In addition to the research, we hear the voices of stepmothers she has interviewed, as well as her own story. It's a refreshingly clear-eyed view of a role that carries many challenges and--if we're lucky--profound rewards.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Great reading even for non-step moms.