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Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
This book is for those who suffered as the scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent. The scapegoat child is emotionally deprived, devalued and trapped by the parent. The child comes to believe they are defective and undeserving. These beliefs can plague the individual into adulthood.
Scapegoating reflects the narcissistic parent’s own emotional disturbance – NOT the child’s.
Healing is possible for scapegoat survivors! New healthy beliefs about oneself can be established. This book explains how to heal with the three pillars of recovery :
1) Making sense of the narcissistic abuse so you know it was not your fault
2) Creating distance from narcissistic abusers in your life today
3) Living in defiance of the narcissist's rules
Readers will learn to apply these pillars in their own lives and reclaim the quality of life they deserve.
Scapegoating reflects the narcissistic parent’s own emotional disturbance – NOT the child’s.
Healing is possible for scapegoat survivors! New healthy beliefs about oneself can be established. This book explains how to heal with the three pillars of recovery :
1) Making sense of the narcissistic abuse so you know it was not your fault
2) Creating distance from narcissistic abusers in your life today
3) Living in defiance of the narcissist's rules
Readers will learn to apply these pillars in their own lives and reclaim the quality of life they deserve.
320 pages, Paperback
Published March 12, 2023
53 people are currently reading
174 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
November 28, 2024
3.5 stars. This book was informative and provided lots of information about what happened to a person if they were the scapegoat and why. I found it informative and wide stretching. Had it been more informative in half or even a quarter similar fashion with tools and tips on how to heal or distance, it would have received another star as the subheadline is "a guide to healing" but is either vague or one chapter at the end of 48 chapters. The author mentions 3 pillars and this felt like a book dedicated to the first (understanding what happened) with, perhaps, the basis for distancing (pillar 2) and bare bones of starting to move in a healthy/healing way (pillar 3). There were a bit of typos and errors, some of which I marked, that could have improved the quality of the book.
I did feel like my experience was validated and that there were areas I hadn't realized were trauma related. As a friend asked me, "don't you ever feel tired about realizing yet another one of your anxieties or (now) maladaptive behaviors is tied back to trauma?" Yes, yes I do.
This is a bit heavy, so it is nice that the chapters are short. I would read one to three and allow time for reflection instead or glomming it without gleaning as much. I even journaled a bit after some and would recommend doing similarly if you want to get the most out of the book (like I said, very few explicit exercises or practices).
This has been the most informative book I have read on the topic of the scapegoat experience and the far reaching aspects of it. I would recommend if that is what you are looking for in reading.
I did feel like my experience was validated and that there were areas I hadn't realized were trauma related. As a friend asked me, "don't you ever feel tired about realizing yet another one of your anxieties or (now) maladaptive behaviors is tied back to trauma?" Yes, yes I do.
This is a bit heavy, so it is nice that the chapters are short. I would read one to three and allow time for reflection instead or glomming it without gleaning as much. I even journaled a bit after some and would recommend doing similarly if you want to get the most out of the book (like I said, very few explicit exercises or practices).
This has been the most informative book I have read on the topic of the scapegoat experience and the far reaching aspects of it. I would recommend if that is what you are looking for in reading.
April 13, 2023
Required reading if you come from a narcissistic family unit
This book is full of insights that only someone who grew up in this situation would know. Many issues that my husband and I had centered around his step father, the narcissist. This book opened my eyes to the abuse. Thanks Jay for pulling back the drapes on a subject that no one cares about until they are in it.
This book is full of insights that only someone who grew up in this situation would know. Many issues that my husband and I had centered around his step father, the narcissist. This book opened my eyes to the abuse. Thanks Jay for pulling back the drapes on a subject that no one cares about until they are in it.
July 24, 2023
Eye-opening… I can see narcissists in matrix code now.
September 29, 2023
Captured my experience as the scapegoat with 100 % accuracy and describes the recovery process
This is the most helpful book about growing up in a narcissistic family, the impacts on survivors as adults, and how to recover from that hellish experience that I have ever read. I saw myself vividly in those pages and it made me appreciate myself and all that I have had to overcome in my life. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who may be struggling to leave that nightmare, which you did not deserve but managed to survive, behind you where it belongs, and to feel good about just enjoying your life.
This is the most helpful book about growing up in a narcissistic family, the impacts on survivors as adults, and how to recover from that hellish experience that I have ever read. I saw myself vividly in those pages and it made me appreciate myself and all that I have had to overcome in my life. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who may be struggling to leave that nightmare, which you did not deserve but managed to survive, behind you where it belongs, and to feel good about just enjoying your life.
October 10, 2024
Read this book as it was suggested to me, I don’t have narcissistic parents but as someone who is married to someone who does it was eye opening and very sad.
It has given me a lot to think about when it comes to carry for someone who was affected by narcissistic parents.
It has given me a lot to think about when it comes to carry for someone who was affected by narcissistic parents.
December 15, 2024
This book helped me realize that my upbringing wasn't normal and that it wasn't my fault as I was just a child surrounded by abusive family members.
June 30, 2025
Recently, my conversations with colleagues have led me to reflect on the challenges of our terminology. It can be helpful to identify that certain behaviours are unhealthy, but the term "abuse", whilst helpful to the person on the receiving end of these behaviours, is unlikely to find acceptance on the part of the person behaving in ways that do harm. Similarly, the vocabulary of narcissism is something we more readily apply to others but not to ourselves. In writing this review, I recognise that Jay Reid's book is written for readers who have been harmed by the pattern of scapegoating; it is unlikely that those who scapegoat will read it. Nonetheless, I have tried to use language that can be read by the person doing the scapegoating.
The first thing I want to say is that whilst author Jay Reid has written this book for adult children of parents who scapegoated them, I believe it potentially has a wider audience, including people who have scapegoated others, people who have been scapegoated at work or in intimate relationships, and therapists and other professionals working with people seeking to heal from being scapegoated.
I came to this book via two recommendations, one from the adult child of scapegoating parents and one by family systems therapist Jerry Wise. It took me a few months to decide to read it and I found it highly valuable when I did. If you are wondering if you've been scapegoated or you know you have and are longing for healing, I have no hesitation in recommending this book to you.
A central tenet of the book is that the pattern of scapegoating protects the person doing the scapegoating from the difficult emotions arising from believing themselves worthless, because it enables them to relocate the same worthlessness in someone else. I found this extremely helpful in understanding both the process of scapegoating and the reason scapegoating behaviours can be so persistent. This central theme definitely supplied an "Aha!" moment for me, helping me to make sense of scapegoating patterns in a number of contexts. I also agree with Reid's assertion that it's natural and helpful to want to make sense of these behaviours if you are being scapegoated.
Reid identifies making sense of what happened as one of three pillars for recovery, all of which he explores in detail. The second is "gaining distance from the narcissistic abuser" and the third is "defying the narcissist's rules". I wonder why Reid speaks of defying the narcissist's rules rather than living by healthy rules and this does seem significant to me. Nonetheless, the book achieves many goals for the person who has been or is being scapegoated. It helps them to understand how this pattern works for the scapegoater and - especially for adults who have been scapegoated in childhood - why it may be adaptive to buy into the shared fantasy of the child's lack of worth. It also identifies and explores many aspects of this pattern (you might say patterns within the overall pattern) and how people can heal from their experiences. Each chapter is prefaced with a small number of "Is this you...?" questions, and these alone can be healing balm, helping the reader to identify the harm done by this pattern of scapegoating behaviour.
I suspect the author has self-published the book and I did notice quite a few typos. It didn't take away from the content of the book which is invaluable, but the book would be better for a higher standard of editing. There was also one chapter - Chapter 45 - whose opening paragraph I didn't understand until I had read a couple of pages. This was because the opening statement could be read in one of two ways. The first way might be "If the scapegoater shows you difficult behaviours, you need to understand that this is abuse". It could also be read (confusingly) as "If you're not careful, you may not see that the scapegoater's behaviour is manipulative". In one case, taking the scapegoaters behaviour at face value means seeing how their behaviour does harm. In the second case, taking behaviour at face value implies overlooking the harm done. I include this detail in case the author is reading prior to a second edition.
I want to finish by underlining the truth of Reid's assertion that as we develop healthy relationships with safe people in our adult lives, the scapegoating becomes more and more obvious, along with the patterns that surround it, including the enabling by others. I say this for anyone who can't yet see a way through. In a sense, it is those readers who are already some way along the road of recovery can attest to the wisdom of Reid's book.
The first thing I want to say is that whilst author Jay Reid has written this book for adult children of parents who scapegoated them, I believe it potentially has a wider audience, including people who have scapegoated others, people who have been scapegoated at work or in intimate relationships, and therapists and other professionals working with people seeking to heal from being scapegoated.
I came to this book via two recommendations, one from the adult child of scapegoating parents and one by family systems therapist Jerry Wise. It took me a few months to decide to read it and I found it highly valuable when I did. If you are wondering if you've been scapegoated or you know you have and are longing for healing, I have no hesitation in recommending this book to you.
A central tenet of the book is that the pattern of scapegoating protects the person doing the scapegoating from the difficult emotions arising from believing themselves worthless, because it enables them to relocate the same worthlessness in someone else. I found this extremely helpful in understanding both the process of scapegoating and the reason scapegoating behaviours can be so persistent. This central theme definitely supplied an "Aha!" moment for me, helping me to make sense of scapegoating patterns in a number of contexts. I also agree with Reid's assertion that it's natural and helpful to want to make sense of these behaviours if you are being scapegoated.
Reid identifies making sense of what happened as one of three pillars for recovery, all of which he explores in detail. The second is "gaining distance from the narcissistic abuser" and the third is "defying the narcissist's rules". I wonder why Reid speaks of defying the narcissist's rules rather than living by healthy rules and this does seem significant to me. Nonetheless, the book achieves many goals for the person who has been or is being scapegoated. It helps them to understand how this pattern works for the scapegoater and - especially for adults who have been scapegoated in childhood - why it may be adaptive to buy into the shared fantasy of the child's lack of worth. It also identifies and explores many aspects of this pattern (you might say patterns within the overall pattern) and how people can heal from their experiences. Each chapter is prefaced with a small number of "Is this you...?" questions, and these alone can be healing balm, helping the reader to identify the harm done by this pattern of scapegoating behaviour.
I suspect the author has self-published the book and I did notice quite a few typos. It didn't take away from the content of the book which is invaluable, but the book would be better for a higher standard of editing. There was also one chapter - Chapter 45 - whose opening paragraph I didn't understand until I had read a couple of pages. This was because the opening statement could be read in one of two ways. The first way might be "If the scapegoater shows you difficult behaviours, you need to understand that this is abuse". It could also be read (confusingly) as "If you're not careful, you may not see that the scapegoater's behaviour is manipulative". In one case, taking the scapegoaters behaviour at face value means seeing how their behaviour does harm. In the second case, taking behaviour at face value implies overlooking the harm done. I include this detail in case the author is reading prior to a second edition.
I want to finish by underlining the truth of Reid's assertion that as we develop healthy relationships with safe people in our adult lives, the scapegoating becomes more and more obvious, along with the patterns that surround it, including the enabling by others. I say this for anyone who can't yet see a way through. In a sense, it is those readers who are already some way along the road of recovery can attest to the wisdom of Reid's book.
March 17, 2024
I feel bad that I am at odds here. I have been in recovery from lifetime of being the scapegoat to cluster-b personalities for several years, so this is not a new topic for me. Those in my shoes know that there is only so much that therapy can do for us. After 6 years of therapy and tons of progress, I started feeling a bit "stuck" in one place, so I searched for other help and found this book. Given the positive reviews, I jumped into it with great enthusiasm.
The very first thing I noticed in the beginning of the book is, the author does not provide an appropriate definition of narcissism. He does not define the personality disorder, and the traits and symptoms. Instead, he gives a generalized summary on what the society thinks a narcissist is, combined with his personal opinion/analysis based on his own experience. After finishing the book (it wasn't easy), I can tell you that it is full of his own analyses followed by generalization. He hardly ever cites any research, I think it happens only twice, and one is his own research (done with his mentor). There is SO much science out there on NPD, yet the author seems stuck in his own biases and personal experiences. Red flag!
Ok, to cut through the negativity for a bit, I will admit that this book has offered a TON of validation that many of us seek and need for recovery. So I am grateful for that.
Unfortunately, the validation only feels good at the beginning, before it gets repetitive with the same cases over and over being mentioned, followed by even more biased unscientific analyses and generalization. It stops being relatable at some point because it gets too specific and feels made-up. I can estimate that about half of the book consists of the author's assumptions being stated as a fact. For example, he notoriously states as a fact things that were going on in his client's parent's mind and psyche, without even knowing or ever talking to that person, a presumed narcissist. That is NOT ok. Multiple times, he concludes that the parent was a narcissist because they regularly yelled at their child. Obviously, he must not have kids. Yelling is not ok, but it also doesn't mean the parent is evil... Parent's also go through a lot.
Overall, a lot of what I read in this book had a slightly resentful tone to it, as if the author was filtering everything through his own unhealed experience. The author victimizes the reader and antagonizes the abuser to an unhealthy extreme, and fails to point out mistakes commonly made by this type of survivors that inhibit their healing and recovery, such as getting stuck in blaming the abuser for all the bad in your life. I think pointing out our stuck behaviors and thinking patterns is a crucial part to healing and they should be included in a "healing guide"! Abuse is not ok, but as adults, we need to take responsibility for ourselves, not point fingers any longer. It is time to grow up, mr. Reid!
The BIGGEST minus of all was a complete lack of editing. Sadly, this book is full of typos and grammar errors. In every single chapter, there are multiple typos and errors to be found. That makes it even more difficult to get through. In addition, the book is extremely repetitive and incoherent. For example, the font style changes, and it doesn't keep an established pattern. If you read it, you will know what I mean.
When it comes to language- it contains a lot of casual and emotional language, and even so-called "new age jargon"- it lacks professional, scientific, and technical language, which I would expect from a counselor, therapist, or researcher, claiming to be an expert in the given topic. There are also simply too many words used multiple times. A trivial and repetitive concept throughout the book is taking 2 pages to explain, over and over. I could honestly call half of this book a "word salad", commonly used by narcissists. Ironic! If the author used a good editor, this book could have been half as long, more to the point, organized, and cohesive.
Words, words, words. It was so many words, yet I barely gotten anything out of it. I kept looking for advice, tips, instruction! After all, it is supposed to be a "GUIDE". I can't tell you how many times the author promises at the beginning of the chapter that he would give you advice, exercise, practice- and then fails to do so. If that isn't a narcissistic behavior then Idk what is. All he does is keeps talking about what is presumably going on in a narcissists and scapegoats head, he calls out some common issues but fails to provide clear steps to resolve them. Except for the very last chapter, filled with obvious tips that we all heard a hundred times. Exercise, breathe, self-love? Really? Wow, I had to read this entire book to get THAT out- complete basics of any self-care idea.
In my humble opinion, this book is written by someone who is still full of resentment toward their abuser and it reeks of it and made it uncomfortable to read for me. This books completely lacks the idea of self-responsibility, which is crucial to healing and letting go of resentment. As someone who has done tons of healing, recovery, and growth, which all happened thanks to FORGIVENESS and moving on- this book totally forgets to mention how important that is to properly heal and separate your view of self from the abusers view. Instead, it even DISCOURAGES the reader to forgive and let go through feeling compassion, or even pity, toward the abuser. Instead, it fuels the reader to have resentment toward the abuser, victimize themselves, and the solutions it offers are mostly to feed their own hurt ego instead of FEELing the pain and opening up their hearts to love, forgiveness, and thus slowly separating from the abuse and re-discover true value in oneself.
Sorry. One extra star for the validation offered, and the effort put into writing this. I wish the author that he finds his own forgiveness and "taps into" his own gentleness and center of love, instead of trying to mask the pain by "showing off" and basically rebelling against themselves and whatever the abuser instilled in them. That is not the way of healing. Good luck.
The very first thing I noticed in the beginning of the book is, the author does not provide an appropriate definition of narcissism. He does not define the personality disorder, and the traits and symptoms. Instead, he gives a generalized summary on what the society thinks a narcissist is, combined with his personal opinion/analysis based on his own experience. After finishing the book (it wasn't easy), I can tell you that it is full of his own analyses followed by generalization. He hardly ever cites any research, I think it happens only twice, and one is his own research (done with his mentor). There is SO much science out there on NPD, yet the author seems stuck in his own biases and personal experiences. Red flag!
Ok, to cut through the negativity for a bit, I will admit that this book has offered a TON of validation that many of us seek and need for recovery. So I am grateful for that.
Unfortunately, the validation only feels good at the beginning, before it gets repetitive with the same cases over and over being mentioned, followed by even more biased unscientific analyses and generalization. It stops being relatable at some point because it gets too specific and feels made-up. I can estimate that about half of the book consists of the author's assumptions being stated as a fact. For example, he notoriously states as a fact things that were going on in his client's parent's mind and psyche, without even knowing or ever talking to that person, a presumed narcissist. That is NOT ok. Multiple times, he concludes that the parent was a narcissist because they regularly yelled at their child. Obviously, he must not have kids. Yelling is not ok, but it also doesn't mean the parent is evil... Parent's also go through a lot.
Overall, a lot of what I read in this book had a slightly resentful tone to it, as if the author was filtering everything through his own unhealed experience. The author victimizes the reader and antagonizes the abuser to an unhealthy extreme, and fails to point out mistakes commonly made by this type of survivors that inhibit their healing and recovery, such as getting stuck in blaming the abuser for all the bad in your life. I think pointing out our stuck behaviors and thinking patterns is a crucial part to healing and they should be included in a "healing guide"! Abuse is not ok, but as adults, we need to take responsibility for ourselves, not point fingers any longer. It is time to grow up, mr. Reid!
The BIGGEST minus of all was a complete lack of editing. Sadly, this book is full of typos and grammar errors. In every single chapter, there are multiple typos and errors to be found. That makes it even more difficult to get through. In addition, the book is extremely repetitive and incoherent. For example, the font style changes, and it doesn't keep an established pattern. If you read it, you will know what I mean.
When it comes to language- it contains a lot of casual and emotional language, and even so-called "new age jargon"- it lacks professional, scientific, and technical language, which I would expect from a counselor, therapist, or researcher, claiming to be an expert in the given topic. There are also simply too many words used multiple times. A trivial and repetitive concept throughout the book is taking 2 pages to explain, over and over. I could honestly call half of this book a "word salad", commonly used by narcissists. Ironic! If the author used a good editor, this book could have been half as long, more to the point, organized, and cohesive.
Words, words, words. It was so many words, yet I barely gotten anything out of it. I kept looking for advice, tips, instruction! After all, it is supposed to be a "GUIDE". I can't tell you how many times the author promises at the beginning of the chapter that he would give you advice, exercise, practice- and then fails to do so. If that isn't a narcissistic behavior then Idk what is. All he does is keeps talking about what is presumably going on in a narcissists and scapegoats head, he calls out some common issues but fails to provide clear steps to resolve them. Except for the very last chapter, filled with obvious tips that we all heard a hundred times. Exercise, breathe, self-love? Really? Wow, I had to read this entire book to get THAT out- complete basics of any self-care idea.
In my humble opinion, this book is written by someone who is still full of resentment toward their abuser and it reeks of it and made it uncomfortable to read for me. This books completely lacks the idea of self-responsibility, which is crucial to healing and letting go of resentment. As someone who has done tons of healing, recovery, and growth, which all happened thanks to FORGIVENESS and moving on- this book totally forgets to mention how important that is to properly heal and separate your view of self from the abusers view. Instead, it even DISCOURAGES the reader to forgive and let go through feeling compassion, or even pity, toward the abuser. Instead, it fuels the reader to have resentment toward the abuser, victimize themselves, and the solutions it offers are mostly to feed their own hurt ego instead of FEELing the pain and opening up their hearts to love, forgiveness, and thus slowly separating from the abuse and re-discover true value in oneself.
Sorry. One extra star for the validation offered, and the effort put into writing this. I wish the author that he finds his own forgiveness and "taps into" his own gentleness and center of love, instead of trying to mask the pain by "showing off" and basically rebelling against themselves and whatever the abuser instilled in them. That is not the way of healing. Good luck.
May 15, 2023
This book is really insightful for anyone who grew up in a narcissistic family, but especially for those who resonate with being in a scapegoated role. Being a scapegoat can be so harmful, and it can take a long time to unravel the layers of hurt and trauma caused by a narcissistic family. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to heal from narcissistic abuse!
April 19, 2024
I love the author's approach to this topic. He asks questions for you to decide if each different idea applies to you or your family member. Not all do, and some will take you by surprise. I found this book to be an exceptional part of my healing process.
July 3, 2025
Was hoping for more
This book is not on the level of expertise like Dr. Ramani. It kind of ends abruptly and it feels like the subject matter is not in an experts hand. Look elsewhere.
This book is not on the level of expertise like Dr. Ramani. It kind of ends abruptly and it feels like the subject matter is not in an experts hand. Look elsewhere.
June 26, 2024
Accurately described the experience of the scapegoated child of a narcissistic parent as well as the consequences of that abuse.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews