An Oracle Walks into a Bar

The Misadventures of a Paranormal Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist #1

by Scott Burtness

August Shade has found his niche. The cynical shapeshifter knows all too well that most relationships don’t last. He also knows that after a messy breakup, most people – human or otherwise – just want two things: their stuff back, and to never see their ex again. For a reasonable fee, August can help. He’s a post-relationship personal effects repossession specialist. Satisfaction not guaranteed, but at least you’ll have that special whatever back.

Vilde Tanck has found her destiny. Guided by her horoscopes, the huldra hires August to reclaim an unusual book. It reveals the secret of the Zodiac’s thirteenth sign, bestows its reader with the power to write their own future, and is currently in the possession of her vampire ex-lover.

Clarissa Steyer has found her calling. The oracle writes horoscopes for the local paper. Her celestial predictions help keep the world spinning. Now August is in all of her visions and the world might be coming to an end. She knows that the shapeshifter can change into a lot of things, but can he change the future?

Plagued by the oracle’s horoscopes, haunted by a dark past, and grappling with his penchant for making bad decisions, the only sure thing about August’s future is that it looks short.

Genres: Fantasy, Humor, Urban Fantasy, Vampires, Shapeshifters, Fiction

217 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 25, 2021

About the author

People say you should write what you know. That’s damn good advice, so Scott writes about ordinary Midwesterners making an extraordinary mess of things. Hey, if the flannel fits…

Oh- one more thing: According to Scott, ‘ordinary’ totally includes vampires, werewolves, zombies, shapeshifters, aliens, and more. Heck, it is the Midwest, after all.

Reviews

[Scott Burtness · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welp, I wrote the damned thing. I'd better like it.

[Andrew Shaffer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting premise for a series! The writing is sharp and funny—think the Hitchhiker’s Guide, only paranormal. The actual genre is what used to be called “urban fantasy,” though I don’t know if that term is still used much in publishing. Let’s just go with fantasy? The mystery plot takes a backseat at times to the world-building, so it will be interesting to see where this series goes from here. Deducting one star because it takes place in Minnesota and we all know Iowa is the best Midwestern state.

[Conrad Zero · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another entertaining paranormal misadventure from the mind that brought you Wisconsin Vamp, Undead Cheesehead and Northwoods Wolfman. The first person POV character August is snarky and funny as hell. He's a "Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist" in other words, the guy you hire when you want that signed Oasis CD back from your ex. August is also a PN, or paranormal. A shapeshifter. Which is handy when you're hunted by Air Elementals, Succubi, Bridge Trolls and Necromancers with terrible fashion sense. There's more supernatural characters in this book than you can shake a Wand of Wonder at. The story takes place in Minneapolis, Minnesota so grab your flannel and a pop and... well, I couldn't think of a way to tie Diablo Cody into this review, but managed to do it anyway.

This is a fun quick read with excellent writing. And seriously, if you enjoy this book, then make sure to check out the rest of Scott Burtness' work.

[Thea Sanford · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are hardly any good books in this genre that take place in Minnesota. This was fun because the places and events described or mentioned were familiar. I wasn't sure if I liked the main character til part way through the book, but he was humorous enough to redeem himself while saving the day.

Now I need lefse.

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not going to be the book for everyone. I can't even say why/why not without ruining the thing. But I have the most fun with this story, these characters, this bizarro world that sorta/kinda looks like ours.

If you like weird plots with whacky characters, but need it to be smart, this is the book for you.

[Thia Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Delightful, paranormal, local fun!

[Dean Paul Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another solid effort from Scott Burtness. It's in the same style as the excellent Monsters in the Midwest series (if you haven't read it, check out Wisconsin Vamp, Northwoods Wolfman and Undead Cheesehead) but probably turns the weirdness up a notch. Full of wacky otherworldly, supernatural characters and a protagonist whose just the right side of sleazy, lazy and slightly obnoxious but still sympathetic. August Shade is a post relationship property recovery specialist. If your ex won't give back your Van Halen T-Shirt or Simpson's mug, he's the guy you call. Except he gets a call to repossess an item that could just bring about the end of the world, from a client he cannot refuse on pain of death. As usual, the author resolves this situation with bags of humour and fantastical action sequences. Recommended.

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great characters, fun story, and very well written. Looking forward to reading further adventures in next book!

[Ziggy Nixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

4+ stars. In all honesty, I'm not really focused on the star rating right now - and I don't think you should be either. But if I had to give just ONE summarized review about this book and if you will as a compliment to author Scott Burtness, it would be that I can't wait to read this book again! And not just because I want to but also because I will definitely need to once the next book in this series is released. Let's face it kids: this one had that special 'all the things and the possessed kitchen sink' feeling to it! My skull is still throbbing with overusage!

It must not be easy to start a new series like this but as Burtness showed with his "Monsters in the Midwest" trilogy - which is an absolute MUST READ for all you people out there that like your creepies creepy, your mysteries mysterious and your cheeseheads undead (um, ok) - he has some truly unique linguistic (is it the same for writing? I don't know the word if it is) skills in putting together a complex yet still immensely amusing AND 'I didn't see that coming' kind of plot. Just as with the mentioned deceased eater of fermented milk products, he uses some pretty cool and subtle ways of keeping us on our toes about what is happening and what is to come! And what is perhaps even more impressive is that along the way, he doesn't take the easy way out in terms of picking characters nor the situations they find themselves in.

Never mind that our protagonist has the wildest job this side of Chris Tullbane's great mediator in his classic "John Smith" series but he - um, I'm talking about August, not Chris - is also a truly hard-to-decipher crumd... um, curdel... that is, cromagn... he's a grump. Like seriously grumpy. And a bit of a loser, too, truth be told. Sloppy, unmotivated but deep inside (I mean, like surgery deep) a somewhat decent person, too. And how he manages to not only deal with his own PN existence (that paranormal to us normies) but a plethora (yes, I counted) of other PNs in the local area that have been accepted more or less with open arms (probably more like open wallets) in this reality's version of Minnesota. Truly a great bit of plotting and writing in there because Burtness brings in more PN types into his story than I've seen since the third - and best imho - chapter of his own 'how I became famous' Wisconsin Vamp et. al. trilogy (noting the 'et' here is not Latin but short for 'eaten'). Except for aliens. He left out the effin' aliens this time. We'll have to see about that.

Key for me though was that the plot is exceptionally AND deliciously weird. First of all, one of the main players isn't even sure which reality she's interacting with (think Avengers: Endgame but without all the rampant testosterone and having someone constantly doing that weird Dr.Strange counting realities thing). And just about the time I!!! thought I had sussed out where the story was heading (oh for sure August was about to get eaten there at the end, right? But NOOOOO!), we get a surprising yet wonderfully handled climatic battle scene that I'll be working out in my noggin for weeks to come! Great stuff!

Bottom line about "AOWiaB(TMoaPP-RPERS#1)" is that its a great start and holds more promise for the future than a relatively short book like this should. It obviously contained a ton of characters that I just squealed at getting to know however briefly (Norwegian Elf Babes, Trash Trolls AND Revenant Frankensteinian Monsters? YES!!). If I had to go back and make any kind of negative mark on the entire affair, I would say that it violated one of my top 'do not do this' premises, namely, there should be no vomiting included in sex scenes. But any more detail would count as a spoiler. And really gross, too.

Bottom bottom line is the future of Urban Fantasy is in good hands, my fiends (sic), with Burtness and the aforementioned Tullbane along with the likes of DM. Guay and naturally Rick Gualtieri, too, really putting out quality prose that just happens to occupy this weird thing we like to call a genre. Enjoy!

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

enjoyable, quick read

Unique plot, but I was always waiting for the character to be more like able or redeemable. and then I started having a hard time believing his extraordinary luck with everything

[William Wheeler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having met the author many times and read previous books of his, I found this another very enjoyable read. Scott's personality really shows through on these pages. You can feel the emotions of shock, love and sadness. You see people together in ways you never would have thought possible. I had a hard time setting this book down once I started. It was finished in less than 48 hours and the TV not turned on at all.

[Mandy Wultsch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fun supernatural romp

Great book, lots of fun to read. Reminds me of the Harry Dresden series, only not so serious. Highly recommended.

[leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book

I am terrible at writing reviews😬👎 but I had to share my thoughts on this book. Funny, very well written book. Didn't want to stop reading it. Great characters as well. Please write more, Scott! Now I'm off to hopefully find more Scott Burtness books.☺👍

[Erin Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

August Shade is a bitter, jaded man who is good at his job but doesn't seem to really like his job. Unfortunately for him, his jobs start overlapping with his personal life and it becomes more tangled than trying to figure out how to get through road construction during rush hour! But August is no quitter, hopefully he'll survive long enough to finish the jobs.
Can't wait for the next in the series!

[Roy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surprisingly well written, somewhat wacky comedic fantasy.
The plot is loopy with a main character who repossesses personal possessions after breakups and is asked by a female lesser god to return a magical book from her former boyfriend who is a powerful vampire. Well worth the read if you want a well written comic novel with lots of supernatural elements.

[Douglas Lumsden · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read An Oracle Walks into a Bar because, I mean, how was I going to resist that title? The oracle in question is a uniquely delightful character and an object lesson in the perils of straddling timelines in the multiverse. And she's just one of the creative and colorful characters that populate author Scott Burtness's comic adventure. There's also the cruel Scandinavian elf lady who bakes out-of-this-world pastries, the lovestruck vampire who wants to rule the world with her, the surprisingly warm-hearted "survivor" of an encounter with a woodchipper, the douchebag warlock who lectures on eschatology (my doctoral dissertation topic), and the troll who lives under a bridge (any bridge, apparently) and is in desperate need to find a goat. And that's just a sampling!

But the best character of all is the main one: August Shade, a grumpy, snarky, slovenly middle-aged shapeshifter, an expert on glass windows (he's been thrown through a few), and, according to his business card, a Paranormal Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist (it's just what it sounds like). You'll find him in the men's room transforming into an elephant in an effort to remember the name of the gorgeous seductive bartender, who happens to be a succubus. That scene--among many others--had me laughing out loud!

This is a funny, wild, and entertaining book, and I enjoyed it quite a lot.

[Moondance · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not to brag, but I'm a bit of an expert on glass.

August Shade is a post-relationship personal effects repossession specialist. He will recover items from your ex for a fee. August is also a shapeshifter that has the ability to change into a variety of creatures.

First of all, I love quirky characters. I really love snark and The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy: A Trilogy in Five Parts (which this book was compared to numerous times) is one of my all time favorite series. So what happened? I just don't know.

The premise is good. I really looked forward to seeing August's escapades. Unfortunately it fell flat for me. I never connected with August. I didn't find him likeable or funny. I put this book down several times over several days to see if perhaps I was just not in the mood to read it. I finally forced myself to finish it and kept asking myself what the heck I had just read. At least it was a quick short read.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook: This was my first experience with Scott Burtness' work, and I found it mesmerizing and humorous. This was one of those audiobooks that I had a hard time turning off as I was so captivated by the story. After one experienced a breakup, one could hire August to get one's stuff back from their ex-partner. August's job filled his life with complications, but once an oracle walked into the bar where August was located, things became even more complicated. I enjoyed the story a lot. I liked the twists and turns. I was entertained by the humor. I appreciated the paranormal beings that populated the book. I thought August, the oracle, and some of the characters were a lot of fun. Ray Lesniewski's narration was skillful, and his performance added to my enjoyment of the story. I was given a free copy of the audiobook, and I have voluntarily posted this review.

[Gleeful Goblin Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gleeful Goblin Review: As someone with a deep appreciation for snark and sarcasm this audiobook is right up my alley. The voice acting is on point and made me laugh aloud multiple times. The story and world building is a ton of fun. And our MC reminds me of Harry Dresden meets Kate Daniels in terms of tone and personality and those are two of my favorite MCs in urban fantasy so take that as the high complement o intend it to be! I'm thrilled to have gotten an opportunity to review this audiobook and discover a fun new world and author. 5/5 Stars

[Jocelyne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my first Scott Burtness's book, and won't be my last. This is the first installment in the series, a darkly funny noir urban fantasy/paranormal comedy. The story is original, and entertaining, filled with humor, and twists and turns. The cast of characters is impressive. The writing is imaginative, and refreshing. Ray Lesniewski did an excellent job bringing this story to life. I enjoyed it. Looking forward to more in the series. #StoryOrigin

[Miki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This seemed a be confusing at the beginning but became really funny. August Shade is a good character, a shifter with some great changes and his job is amusing to say the least.

There is a lot of action, suspense and humour it's a good dark urban fantasy

[Nickie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Uproarily Hilarious!

So, decided I couldn’t resist the title, and was NOT disappointed! I can’t wait to grab the next one! Let’s hear it for lefse, 10,000 plus lakes and Grain Belt Beer!

[Siobhan D · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the narration of Ray Lesniewski, who brings out the humour

This book has great characters, humour and weirdness. Full of wacky otherworldly, supernatural characters and a protagonist whose just the right side of sleazy, lazy and slightly obnoxious.

[Tami Winbush · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're looking for something with a lot of action and the humor to go along with it, you NEED to read this book. I LOVED the characters and the story was fabulous. I can't wait to read more by this author. And, I listened to this on audio and the narrator is masterful.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good book! A quirky and fun paranormal shifter novel that you don’t want to miss. The storyline is unlike anything I’ve read before, oracles are new to me and super interesting. I also really liked this narrator, his voice was so easy to follow along and understand.

[Miranda Summerset · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5 STARS! This audiobook is a blast. Fun world, funny characters, & a unique plot unlike any other, this magical world is one you enjoy all the way through. Definitely had a good time listening to this & recommend to anyone looking for a humorous touch of fantasy.

[Page Turner]

dnf

[Bonnye Reed]

Complimentary, Litnuts

[Jo Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

August Shade is a repo man who takes back a person's personal items that have been left at their ex's and the ex won't give it back.

[Sandra Holladay · Rating 1 out of 5]

Just could not get into this. It was likened to Hitchhikes Guide to the Galaxy, which I also didn't like.