Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love

by Marilyn Van Derbur

Miss America By Day won a 1st place in the prestigious Writer’s Digest National book competition.

A judge wrote: Seldom as a judge have I wanted to read the entire book but I devoured every word of this riveting story…Told with stark honesty, determination and vivid details…she tells her story with thoroughness and immediacy…

Jane Fonda wrote: “Your book has touched me to my core, blown me away, impressed me deeply…it’s very important.

“This is the most important book I have read on healing, conquering shame, and the question of forgiveness.” Shelli Hill Snyder, survivor, Davie, FL

“I learned more from you in your 20 minute talk than I have learned in the last decade.” Dr. Richard Krugman, Dean of the Univ. of Colo. School of Medicine

“Reading Miss America had a profound impact on me.” Mary Krane, M.S.W. University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work

“This is the finest book ever written on this subject.” Eve Ensler, internationally known playwright and performer.

“This book had such a profound impact on me, I flew from South Carolina to Colorado to thank Marilyn personally.” Cindy Tew, founder of Darkness to Light.


In this long-awaited book, Van Derbur, a former Miss America, tells the story of how she was sexually violated by her father from age 5 to age 18. She was 53 years old before she was able to speak the words in public: "I am an incest survivor." She opened the door for tens of thousands of sexual abuse survivors to speak the words, many for the first time, within their own families and communities.

Van Derbur describes in detail what specific "work" she did on her successful journey from victim to survivor. Using her story as the scaffolding, she shares knowledge and insights she has gained after talking personally with adult survivors in 225 cities in which she has spoken. With her extensive research on the long-term impact of trauma and her belief that prevention is the best weapon for keeping our children safe, Van Derbur urges parents to talk to children, as young as five. Suggesting specific words, she helps set the stage for conversations that can evolve into positive continuous dialogues.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Abuse

509 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2003

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

First, I will say that Ms. Van Derber's situation is very tragic and I think she is very brave--I really admire that she helped so many people through their own traumas.

However, this book needed a professional editor badly. The plot meanders endlessly, with no clear trajectory. It seems to have been written in a short time, with no planning--random memories and events follow each other non-linearly, which gets confusing to the reader. A good chunk of the text could have been eliminated--I think it would have made the book more readable and relate-able. I do believe that the author must be a good speaker--but she is not a great writer.

The last sections which serve as a guide to parents is invaluable. I would recommend those to anyone. For this part alone, I would rate much higher.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Former Miss America and incest survivor Marilyn Van Derbur shares her story deeply and honestly - the terror, the disassociation of 13 years of her father's violations and betrayals, the pain and paralysis as she fought to integrate the night child and the day child, her shame, and ultimately her public disclosure and healing.

"As I look back, it is easy to see that I needed to keep running faster and faster to keep the volcano of memories and feelings inside me from erupting. There was no time to deal with the past. Living with me was exhausting. I was like Eveready's Energizer Bunny. I just kept going and going and going.
I would be 39 years old before everything would change." (page 151)

"Rationally, it seemed incomprehensible for me to tell another person what my father had done, but emotionally, it was like trying to hold down spoiled milk. I just had to get it out. I thought I would burst as I waited. I wanted to break the door down and scream a scream that would stop people's hearts from beating" (page 194)

When she came out to the world about her sexual abuse in May of 1991, it was a huge story. She was on the cover of the June 10, 1991, People magazine. An outpouring of incest survivors reached out to her. Often the disclosures were the first time the survivors spoke to anyone about it. She has devoted the last thirty years to assisting incest and survivors of pedophilia. Marilyn Van Derbur is an inspiration to me.

My only problem with the audible version of the book: an AI reader.

[Virginia Welch · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a (more or less) well-written, riveting nonfiction work, no doubt about it. Hate to be wishy washy, but I'll explain in a minute.

Marilyn Van Derbur can write and she certainly has a story to tell. The former Miss America (1958) recounts in chilling detail the 13 years of incest committed upon her by her father, a successful businessman, and the emotional and familial neglect of her mother. Marilyn is candid and convincing as she describes the devastation to her mind, emotions, and physical health that resulted from broken trust and how she finally climbed out of her very real pit of despair.

There are a few places in the book that you leave you wondering, forcing you to fill in the gaps as to what she means. An editor should have caught the logic laps. Sometimes she jumps in a disconnected fashion between paragraphs. Again, it is the fault of the editor for not catching these thought canyons. Fortunately there are few of these problems; overall the writing quality is sound. BUT...

I wanted to rate this book highly but find that I cannot. At 546 pages, it’s about 146 pages too long. Marilyn goes into repetitive detail (waaaaay too repetitive) about the terror and trauma that lingers for years after the fact. After you read her descriptions of panic attacks and blistering, daily emotional drama, all of it rooted in sexual abuse, by the 25th time you are ready to put the book down. And that’s what I did.

So there you have it: the book is too long and it's repetitive.

Nevertheless, for sexual abuse survivors or family and friends thereof, much of this material could be very therapeutic. And I’m genuinely sorry that Marilyn (and others) had to suffer so much and at such a tender age.

[Leslie Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is for survivors of sexual abuse, people who love and support them and everyone else. Marily is such an inspiration. I couldn't put it down, and I started telling my friends and family about it before I had finished.

The first part of the book is a memoir, the last part is a combination of motivation, education and support. With chapters sbout how to talk to children, taking care in "safe places", seven things not to say to survivors and a message of hope, there is something here for everyone.

I am also a survivor of incest. Marilyn's book gave me hope, and words to explain what I am dealing with. I learned things about protecting children that I had never heard or considered before.

My book is heavily highlighted and will be read over and over. Get one for yourself and someone you love, you won't regret it.

[Dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best abuse survivor book I have read; she is just so real and good. I wrote her and she immediately wrote me back. What I love about her is that she doesn't have "the answer"; she just presents her story and her struggles to recover. She is seriously one of the coolest people I've ever heard talking about sexual abuse; she really calls people out on their crap: including her family, some scumbag doctor, and Anthony Robbins (the jerk charged like 10 grand for a 1/2 hour session, and he seriously doesn't know Jack Shit about sexual abuse). She doesn't preach forgiveness, which made it easier for me to read, being that I was so raw and angry when I first read this. She allows herself and you to have your feelings. So many people want to fix you when they find out what happened to you, and we want to fix ourselves...but Marilyn knows better. She is also very supportive to men survivors, which isn't always the case in these types of books. She is awesome; I totally love this lady, and I recommend this book to all sexual abuse survivors--IF you are at a place where you are ready to hear the real heavy stuff. Great even if didn't happen to you; educational and inspirational :)

[Deborah LaRoche · Rating 4 out of 5]

I volunteer with Darkness to Light, an organization that aims to prevent, recognize, and respond responsibly to childhood sexual abuse. Marilyn Van Derbur's story is part of the video training we offer, so naturally I was interested in reading her full story. It was as compelling and amazing as I'd assumed it would be, and after hearing her speak at a recent luncheon, I kept wanting to describe her as a total badass. But, she is so very graceful, poised, classy, and inspiring that "badass" just doesn't seem to do her justice. The lack of bitterness she displays mystifies me, but as she describes, "peace of mind is not a gift; it is a hard-fought and earned reward for doing the hard work of therapy." (I'm loosely quoting there.)

Regardless, if you have any interest in how and why it is SO important to keep children safe and to BELIEVE them when they disclose (if they disclose), this would be a powerful book for you to read. If you think sexual abuse is "no big deal" and survivors should just "get over it and move on," this may help you understand why that is difficult, if not impossible, for many to do. My only complaint is that it was a bit long/repetitive in parts, but when you realize that it took her the better part of 35 years to fully heal from the shame, guilt, physical pain, and other deep wounds of incest, suddenly a few extra pages doesn't seem so daunting.

If you read this book and want to get involved in the movement to STOP childhood sexual abuse, contact your local Child Advocacy Center or go to www.D2L.org to find out how.

[Xotzin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the pleasure and honor of meeting Marilyn in Denver at a deminar she held for survivors of child rape. I won't call it molestation or incest bcuz to me those words are not accurate. She is a phenomenal woman and I was happy to have had the time I did with her talking about our lives good bad and indifferent. Thank you Marilyn. I know you take the time to talk to everyone who contacts you and that is amazing and truly caring of you. Thank you for helping us all to come out of the dark and into the light.*ambrazos y mucho amor*

[Andrew Vachss · Rating 5 out of 5]

The incredible journey of a true warrior woman, who is a "model" in every sense of the word. An inspiration not just to incest victims, but to self-publishers everywhere.

[Melissa Forehand · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an important testament to the traumas of sexual abuse

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very difficult read, intense, I had to give myself long periods of time to process it between picking it up, but was well worth it. Hearing others stories always enriches our lives in some way, and hearing her story and the other victims stories, helped me find the courage to learn to keep an open dialog with my own children to teach them to protect themselves. Sometimes we think the atrocities of the world only happen on the other side of the world, but this is a chilling reminder how some of the worst criminals are hidden right under our noses. I love how she illustrated how much of a protection and healing power openness and honesty has on the human heart.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very well written. Van Derbur addresses a very difficult topic with grace, candor, and even humor. Her story shows her path to healing through speaking out about the abuse and helping others start the healing process. It does have some disturbing content (which she lets you skip if you feel uncomfortable), but also is amazingly positive and empowering. It's well-written and conversational in tone; as such, it jumps around a bit and sometimes has the feel of a journal. The book has a good pace, is easy to digest, and has an important message, making it a worthwhile read.

[Leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've ever read, re-read, and read again. When I finished the first time I wrote to the author, Marilyn, thanking her for writing this book. Told her I needed this book for so many reasons. Even after years of therapy. She wrote me back. She is the real deal. If you, or anyone you know and love is a survivor of sexual abuse, this is a must read.

[Fishface · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful. A very moving account of the day-to-day struggle and survival process of an incest survivor who looked, well, like Miss America in public but was someone very different in private. The national truthquake following her public disclosure was amazing and brought me to tears repeatedly as I read.

[John Stinebaugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an absolutely excellent book. I would encourage anyone and everyone to read it even though the subject material is heavy and it can be hard to get through. I am always pleasantly surprised when I learn more from books that are written by people who have had experiences than by so-called experts.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely must put this book on my list, for it helped me immensely! I have read this book 3 times, and have referred to it and recommended it many times! I admire Marilyn Van Derbur for telling her life story, and hope, if you haven't already, you will pick this one up!

[Marnie Z · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with some of the other comments that this book could have used a good editor. Interesting story but jumping all over the place... didn't finish...

[Super Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a painful read, but also one that was very well written and ultimately triumphant.. Former Miss America, Marilyn Van Derbur was one of those 1950s girls whom at the time appeared to have everything. Heart stoppingly beautiful looks, perfect grades, exceptional public speaking skills and graceful demeanor. Before I get into the sad part of this book, it’s important to note this is a very talented, engaging woman and an American original. The hell on earth she went through from a tiny age doesn’t diminish her success, which is a big part of her message along with her unparalleled bravery. She was also born with an inner will and confidence that couldn’t be diminished or destroyed, and she chose to use that will to help others. Even when it meant divulging such personal shocking details.

Marilyn Van Derbur was from a perfect family. A perfect mother, perfect siblings, and a successful father who was proud of her. Unfortunately, her father was actually nothing more than a psychotic, narcissistic evil pedophile rapist of herself and her older sister. If that wasn’t hellish and evil enough how he also treated his wife, (who refused to put an end to the abuse ) is appalling. On one hand it’s easy to think the wife “was a victim too”. And indeed when you read about what she went through and the way he treated her, you will be shocked. His wife functioned as little more than a receptacle for his contempt and psychological cruelty. However, she had a chance to save her daughters from severe sexual abuse, and chose not to because she enjoyed having the wealth, status etc that her husband brought her. He even was horrible to his elderly employees!

The book is more or less four parts; the childhood Marilyn suffered through in shame, and isolation at home (while being a perfect student at school.) What she went through forging her way as a public figure, undoing the damage through many painful years and then going onto help others as a survivor and live a happy life. The book is very difficult because it understandably took her so long to process everything. Any of us fortunate to not have experienced that level of abuse may find it hard to take. But hang in there because it’s worth listening to this very honest recounting of a very dark road and all the even darker detours.

What’s great about Marilyn is she’s completely together. Rather than encourage people to forgive their abusers and process the abuse they’ve experienced via religion and a “higher power“ she stays reality based and grounded. For instance she has no qualms about encouraging families including those who don’t have a history of abuse, to still keep an eye on older male siblings around younger female siblings. And she doesn’t forgive what happened and she shouldn’t. What both her parents did was unforgivable.

[Willow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marilyn's story of incest is thoroughly devastating along with her struggles toward healing. I thank Marilyn for writing this book and bringing to light this now not so hidden abuse. In her generation, you didn't talk about it, men ruled. They were the breadwinners and were obeyed at all costs within the family structure. Unfortunately, sexual abuse including incest is still prevalent in our society. With stories such as Marilyn's, at least there are avenues for healing and hopefully prevention.

Marilyn's sister Gwen found pornography in their father's office after he died. It's a known fact that pornography can affect the brain’s structure similar to those seen in addiction actively releasing dopamine. This by no means is an excuse. Pornography just fueled his innate depravity. Sexual abuse is about power over others and their father was sexual abusing children up until his death.

The total lack of empathy and understanding of their mother are signs of true narcissism. Her only concern was whether her “perfect” family would be exposed to the truth of the perversion that actually existed. Her mother’s comment when Marilyn and her daughter Jennifer went to visit says it all. She told Marilyn, “Why don’t you go down to your bedroom and relive some of your childhood memories?”

This entire book had so many triggers. I just wish it had been more streamlined, and the length shortened. It took me many days to get through it.

Thank you Marilyn, we stand with you.

[RoseAnn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book at the request of a friend who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She has emphasized that Marilyn’s telling of her story is the closest representation she has seen to her own experience and emotional responses.

This is a heartbreaking book that could be improved in two ways. First, it could be heavily edited for both length and grammar. Second, it could be split into two separate books. The first 2/3 is suited as a memoir of the author’s childhood abuse and subsequent recovery. The final chapters of the book could be its own volume on guidance for parents, teachers and therapists on how to prevent abuse, discover abuse that is happening and facilitate recovery from abuse that has occurred.

There are several gaps in the story that I found distracting. The most jarring one for me was when Marilyn confronts her father with his violations against her. She lists off the positive things he has done in her life that includes his arranging an abortion for her. That is the only mention of that anywhere in the book. Why include it there?!

It grated on me that the author attempted to coin ‘incested’ as a verb. There are a number of appropriate terms that describe this specific abuse. It’s unnecessary to make up a word and use it repeatedly in an inappropriate way.

[Heila]

I consider this book a classic in the genre (child sexual abuse memoir) and it was more strongly helpful and focused on healing than perhaps many. Published in 2012. Van Derbur Atler was the 1958 Miss America from Denver and was abused by her father for 15 years, from the ages of 5 to 18. Her story is riveting and plainly yet creatively told. As a former professional motivational speaker, her voice throughout is clear and compelling. I am currently bogged down in the back section of the book where it begins giving advice; some of which I'm finding outdated and inaccurate. We'll see how that part goes, but the memoir section was more specific, focused and insightful than similar others I've read. Her determination to heal, try different avenues, the circuitous road to healing, and the support she received are significant. The writing flowed and the content was riveting despite the fact that yes, it could've used some structural editing. https://www.missamericabyday.com/

[Claire Drago · Rating 3 out of 5]

Similar to all the 3 star or lower reviews I strongly believe she could’ve used an editor. Marilyns story is gut wrenching and important, but there is absolutely no timeline, anecdotal stories pop up on a whim, and it got so repetitive that half way through I skipped to the last handful of chapters that serve as information about recognizing abuse and how to help those who are victims. The end chapters of her book are extremely important as a guide to parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. but unfortunately I imagine many people didn’t make it to that part before of how drawn out her story is.

[Angela Mcentee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a powerfully emotional book, very upsetting. The author is so honest and strong i ended admiring her deeply. One thing I really liked is at the end of the book she gives suggestions on talking with children and advocates using the phrase "secret touch" instead of "bad touch", because so often abused children feel guilty - did they bring this on themselves? and confused. They may believe they are why it's bad

[Danielle Grenier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never has a book ever spoken to me like this one has. Marilyn Van Derbur Atler is an incredible lady. She dealt with every aspect of the subject of child sexual abuse. Every aspect. Her story/she is extraordinary. I would go as far as to say that the book is simply revolutionary.
I could go on praising Mrs Alter and what her book does for survivors, but I'll stop here. I'll just say one last thing, if you are interested in reading it or you think it could help you heal in any way, READ IT.

[Mariann Snyder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very important book. If you want to have a better understanding of victims of childhood sexual abuse, you must read this. Mrs. Van Derbur is not the greatest writer, but she is plainspoken in a way we all need this topic to be addressed. Read this book. And determine to be part of the solution to this evil problem!

[Mimi Boozehammer · Rating 1 out of 5]

The premise and initial story was riveting. However, I found the editing non-existent, ergo repetition endless. The amount of sobbing and self aggrandising began to leave me cold and getting away from the highly important central theme. I was so disappointed as I have watched youtube of Marilyn speaking and being interviewed. This was almost DNF.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a light read and can be very upsetting and traumatic for many who have experienced abuse. I personally, have never experienced abuse, and I can never imagine the awful trauma and pain, but I admire Mrs. Van Derbur-Atler’s courage, and I pray that one day I’ll find such a beautiful, kind, and loving man like Larry- what a prince!

[Audrey Ortiz · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly powerful and devastating memoir. This book is super important to read for anyone who is a parent or wants to have kids. Although it is painful to read at points, it is really valuable for learning how to be an advocate for children and people dealing with PTSD in the aftermath of childhood trauma.

[Maggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone Needs to Read This Book

Marilyn deserves nothing but praise for writing this book. She is forthright about her own experience and empathic toward other survivors. This book will make you think. There are so many more victims of sexual assault than we realize.

[Amy Fiorentino · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned quite a bit from reading this book. Although the content is not one you enjoy reading about, it was very interesting to learn signs to be aware of from survivors of sexual abuse. It gave me tips on how to handle situations in our daily lives in our own families.

[Lee L · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing writing! Very detailed about her incredible life. To get to know her better, look at some of her motivational talks on YouTube. She has helped so many survivors of sexual abuse. Wonderful woman. She husband is also amazing.