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Promises, Promises
Promises, Promises: A Romp with Plenty of Dykes, a Unicorn, an Ogre, an Oracle, a Quest, a Princess, and True Love with a Happily Ever After
Sandy Blunt, witch, has big dreams but C-average magic skills. Her only noteworthy talent is for paying extravagant compliments to women. Trouble is, when she uses that gift, she unwittingly foretells the future for a pretty princess. The punishment for prophesying about one of royal blood is death. With the help of ill-assorted companions, including a self-professed princess in disguise with a wild imagination, a self-absorbed member of the royal guard, and the not-so-average girl next door, Sandy has a year and a day to travel to far-flung places--encountering such dangerous creatures as a dragon who writes awful poetry, slovely elves, and boarding house landladies--to collect the weird and magical items needed to turn her prophecies into promises and so evade the executioner.
Sandy Blunt, witch, has big dreams but C-average magic skills. Her only noteworthy talent is for paying extravagant compliments to women. Trouble is, when she uses that gift, she unwittingly foretells the future for a pretty princess. The punishment for prophesying about one of royal blood is death. With the help of ill-assorted companions, including a self-professed princess in disguise with a wild imagination, a self-absorbed member of the royal guard, and the not-so-average girl next door, Sandy has a year and a day to travel to far-flung places--encountering such dangerous creatures as a dragon who writes awful poetry, slovely elves, and boarding house landladies--to collect the weird and magical items needed to turn her prophecies into promises and so evade the executioner.
234 pages, Paperback
First published March 31, 2011
11 people are currently reading
1113 people want to read
About the author
L.-J. Baker
6 books92 followersL-J Baker lives in New Zealand with her civilly united spouse, more cats than is sensible, and various other critters. She spent a long time at school pursuing studies that had nothing to do with writing. She is the site admin for the online Lesbian Fiction Forum. And, yes, L-J really is her whole name.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
July 28, 2016
If there were a Mel Brooks movie that parodied classic sword and sorcery high fantasy tropes — Lord of the Rings, Dungeons and Dragons, and the Northern European fairy-tale canon — with three lesbian leads, I expect a lot of people would add it to their Netflix queue before I get to the end of this sentence. That’s basically what you’ll find in Promises, Promises by L-J Baker. As someone on Twitter put it, “she messes with metatextual analysis like she’s humping the fourth wall.” References to Star Wars, Douglas Adams, and other fandoms join humorous anachronism and modern-day feminist, lesbian, and gender politics.
HOWEVER! This book is not just a bunch of gags strung together. There’s a plot that, while overall predictable in that comforting way that fairy tales bring, went in a lot of creative directions that were entertaining to watch unfold, and lots of different personalities of interesting female characters whose friendship and interaction I enjoyed. Basically, they wind up having to go on a quest to recover a number of improbable magic items–a dragon scale, a talking pearl earring, etc.–and in many cases the retrieval process went in a direction so original it would have stood on its own as a story played straight. (…not that kind of straight!)
My favorite character was Drusilla, irrationally optimistic, heroic in the face of everything and fighting her enemies with a paring knife. Her skin color was never mentioned in the book but the cover shows her as Black.
The three lesbian leads pal around with a straight sendup of the warrior woman trope. She was beginning to remind me of Rivka, my own take on the straight warrior woman cliché until I realized the author had made this one a radfem. So, every once in a while she said something that made me nervous, but all of the book’s lesbians had a different approach and that suited me just fine. There’s also a male ogre who turns out to be progressive in many ways including feminist, and I liked that, too.
This is a book that gives you double f/f-happy-endings plus a healthy dose of reassurance that physical attraction between women is normal (I need this, because it isn’t modeled enough in fiction.)
A sample of some of the fourth-wall mooning:
“Don’t forget how we managed to buy asparagus, marrows, pumpkins, cherries, and apples ripe all at the same time,” Bob said.
“I wasn’t actually going to draw attention to that,” Sandy said. “Because I don’t want whatever is causing it to get embarrassed and stop.”
and a gag that made me hoot out loud, warning for tasteless, when a barmaid is miffed they didn’t have anything to tip her with: “Even Tom the leper leaves me a little something!”
There’s also a wizard who’s so and so “the Off-White.” Yeah, it’s that kind of book. But it’s also a place where four women get to go on a quest, and three of them like ladies, and there’s friendship as well as f/f. And honestly, I did find poetry in all the pretty language Sandy spouts off when she gets going about how gorgeous someone is. I guess I’m just a sucker for that stuff.
BTW, if you find the word ‘dyke’ triggering, read cautiously, but this is a totally lesbian positive book so it’s up to you whether or not that’s worth it. No pressure!
HOWEVER! This book is not just a bunch of gags strung together. There’s a plot that, while overall predictable in that comforting way that fairy tales bring, went in a lot of creative directions that were entertaining to watch unfold, and lots of different personalities of interesting female characters whose friendship and interaction I enjoyed. Basically, they wind up having to go on a quest to recover a number of improbable magic items–a dragon scale, a talking pearl earring, etc.–and in many cases the retrieval process went in a direction so original it would have stood on its own as a story played straight. (…not that kind of straight!)
My favorite character was Drusilla, irrationally optimistic, heroic in the face of everything and fighting her enemies with a paring knife. Her skin color was never mentioned in the book but the cover shows her as Black.
The three lesbian leads pal around with a straight sendup of the warrior woman trope. She was beginning to remind me of Rivka, my own take on the straight warrior woman cliché until I realized the author had made this one a radfem. So, every once in a while she said something that made me nervous, but all of the book’s lesbians had a different approach and that suited me just fine. There’s also a male ogre who turns out to be progressive in many ways including feminist, and I liked that, too.
This is a book that gives you double f/f-happy-endings plus a healthy dose of reassurance that physical attraction between women is normal (I need this, because it isn’t modeled enough in fiction.)
A sample of some of the fourth-wall mooning:
“Don’t forget how we managed to buy asparagus, marrows, pumpkins, cherries, and apples ripe all at the same time,” Bob said.
“I wasn’t actually going to draw attention to that,” Sandy said. “Because I don’t want whatever is causing it to get embarrassed and stop.”
and a gag that made me hoot out loud, warning for tasteless, when a barmaid is miffed they didn’t have anything to tip her with: “Even Tom the leper leaves me a little something!”
There’s also a wizard who’s so and so “the Off-White.” Yeah, it’s that kind of book. But it’s also a place where four women get to go on a quest, and three of them like ladies, and there’s friendship as well as f/f. And honestly, I did find poetry in all the pretty language Sandy spouts off when she gets going about how gorgeous someone is. I guess I’m just a sucker for that stuff.
BTW, if you find the word ‘dyke’ triggering, read cautiously, but this is a totally lesbian positive book so it’s up to you whether or not that’s worth it. No pressure!
March 29, 2021
This was a zany fun ride! The humour may not be for everyone with the parody and feminist nature of some of the banter being pointedly remarked upon. But it's all things I myself have thought and said with various old-school fantasy media in relevance to women protagonists. I found it sarcastically amusing.
(Example the discussions of princesses is distress simply sitting and waiting for their rescuer, when there is a female hero - she is usually scantily clad! And the tedium of adventuring, sloshing through bad weather with poor hygiene, etc.)
It reminded me in some small ways of The Ruthless Lady's Guide to Wizardry where there's a host of unique characters, and situations - and there's a main anti-hero protagonist who is flawed yet utterly clueless while being far more capable than she thinks she is.
We meet Sandy who is not quite 25 and an average C-Grade Witch and shopkeeper of mostly useless charms and tokens, but some other potions that are more useful. She's looking for a lady love, but constantly falls for uppity beautiful rich women who will barely give her the time of day. Her shop assistant is a high spirited young woman named Drusilla who is constantly making references to herself being a long lost usurped princess that has assassins after her, and will soon reclaim her throne. Sandy thinks she's kinda nuts. Then there's Ruth. Proverbially plain, and easily forgotten and looked over Ruth. But there's more to her, if Sandy can ever realize it, and stop fawning over silly rich girls!
The quests they go on is adventurous and perilous, but heartening too. We meet royalty, an Amazon feminist woman, a horticultural vegan ogre, a unicorn, a poetic dragon, mer-people, a talking pearl earring, and many other whimsical encounters!
It just tickled my insides in it's earnest fun.
(Example the discussions of princesses is distress simply sitting and waiting for their rescuer, when there is a female hero - she is usually scantily clad! And the tedium of adventuring, sloshing through bad weather with poor hygiene, etc.)
It reminded me in some small ways of The Ruthless Lady's Guide to Wizardry where there's a host of unique characters, and situations - and there's a main anti-hero protagonist who is flawed yet utterly clueless while being far more capable than she thinks she is.
We meet Sandy who is not quite 25 and an average C-Grade Witch and shopkeeper of mostly useless charms and tokens, but some other potions that are more useful. She's looking for a lady love, but constantly falls for uppity beautiful rich women who will barely give her the time of day. Her shop assistant is a high spirited young woman named Drusilla who is constantly making references to herself being a long lost usurped princess that has assassins after her, and will soon reclaim her throne. Sandy thinks she's kinda nuts. Then there's Ruth. Proverbially plain, and easily forgotten and looked over Ruth. But there's more to her, if Sandy can ever realize it, and stop fawning over silly rich girls!
The quests they go on is adventurous and perilous, but heartening too. We meet royalty, an Amazon feminist woman, a horticultural vegan ogre, a unicorn, a poetic dragon, mer-people, a talking pearl earring, and many other whimsical encounters!
It just tickled my insides in it's earnest fun.
March 20, 2014
From bisexual-books.tumblr.com
Promises, Promises: A Romp with Plenty of Dykes, a Unicorn, an Ogre, an Oracle, a Quest, a Princess, and True Love with a Happily Ever After is just fun. Sandy Blunt makes improbable promises to a princess, and telling the fortunes of princesses is illegal, so she has a year and a day to make them all come true or be she and her friends will be beheaded.
As a parody of fantasy/adventure quest stories, the characters subvert common fantasy tropes. Sandy is a wizard, but she’s not very good at it. Tyrone is a palace guard, but he’s a terrible fighter and more concerned with keeping his armor rust-free. The Amazon Anax’athelia (“The gratuitous apostrophe is a bitch, I know. But I don’t get any work without it. My real name is Mavis Green.”) spouts feminist platitudes, and the big scary ogre is a horticulturalist who is more likely to tear you limb from limb for treading on his Heliotropium arborescens than to eat you. The unicorn is the size of a small goat. Other characters have stories that are so far-fetched that they appear to be lying – Sandy thinks Drusilla is delusional because she claims to be a disposed princess of a far-off land who must fend off assassins at every turn, but of course she is telling the truth. Prolix the Off-White will interpret any language or prophesy, “Approximation to Authenticity Guaranteed,” but of course he is completely accurate (except that he thinks Drusilla’s name is Marjory).
Little asides to the audience break the fourth wall and pay tongue-in-check lip-service to the tropes of fantasy. After they go under the ocean, without their horses and unicorn, Sandy warns Ruth, “Shh. I don’t think we’re supposed to mention them,” and assures her that they will just be waiting for them when they reach shore. In real life, they would much more likely be commandeered by sailors, stolen by thieves, or otherwise wander off. Off-handed details reference classic fantasy and science fiction stories. A little girl chasing her dog in the perfect land of the unicorns recalls The Wizard of Oz, and their ship’s captain picks up a translating fish “from some hitchhiker”.
This is not a world with compulsory heterosexuality, so if you’re looking for that kind of social “realism” in your fantasy, you can forget it. I actually enjoyed having characters who didn’t have to constantly justify their same-sex attractions, or repress themselves for the sake of the throne or family honor. The story is touted as a lesbian fantasy, and the two main characters identify as lesbians, but several of the side characters behave bisexually throughout the book, although the word is never used. Their palace guard, the fussy and meticulously clean Tyrone, talks about saving himself for the “right woman,” and is very disappointed to miss the opportunity to sleep with the Queen Under the Waves (his comrades don’t let him, because he has to preserve his virginity so he can wrangle the unicorn), but he later runs off with an elf man for the gift of some shiny mithril-like chainmail. Likewise, Princess Maybelle talks at length about wanting to marry the perfect man, but has no problem dropping that fantasy when Drusilla meets all of her expectations of perfection. Finally, the Queen under the Waves is more than pleased to sleep with any of our adventures, preferably all of them.
For the last 100 pages, I really hoped that Ruth, one of the adventurers, would have a grand reveal as a bisexual. Ruth’s sexuality is a big unknown for most of the story, at one point she is even described as “having a question mark over her head.” It becomes clear pretty quickly that she has a huge crush on Sandy, and much of the plot revolves around Sandy, “The Great Obtuse Mage” coming to realize her own feelings for Ruth. For most of the novel, the group is described as having two lesbians – Sandy and Drusilla. It would have been perfect if this description turned out to be true all along, just like all the improbable oracles in the story, but Ruth finally comes out as a lesbian. Still, the representation in the minor characters was a nice touch, and on the whole it was a fun book.
Promises, Promises: A Romp with Plenty of Dykes, a Unicorn, an Ogre, an Oracle, a Quest, a Princess, and True Love with a Happily Ever After is just fun. Sandy Blunt makes improbable promises to a princess, and telling the fortunes of princesses is illegal, so she has a year and a day to make them all come true or be she and her friends will be beheaded.
As a parody of fantasy/adventure quest stories, the characters subvert common fantasy tropes. Sandy is a wizard, but she’s not very good at it. Tyrone is a palace guard, but he’s a terrible fighter and more concerned with keeping his armor rust-free. The Amazon Anax’athelia (“The gratuitous apostrophe is a bitch, I know. But I don’t get any work without it. My real name is Mavis Green.”) spouts feminist platitudes, and the big scary ogre is a horticulturalist who is more likely to tear you limb from limb for treading on his Heliotropium arborescens than to eat you. The unicorn is the size of a small goat. Other characters have stories that are so far-fetched that they appear to be lying – Sandy thinks Drusilla is delusional because she claims to be a disposed princess of a far-off land who must fend off assassins at every turn, but of course she is telling the truth. Prolix the Off-White will interpret any language or prophesy, “Approximation to Authenticity Guaranteed,” but of course he is completely accurate (except that he thinks Drusilla’s name is Marjory).
Little asides to the audience break the fourth wall and pay tongue-in-check lip-service to the tropes of fantasy. After they go under the ocean, without their horses and unicorn, Sandy warns Ruth, “Shh. I don’t think we’re supposed to mention them,” and assures her that they will just be waiting for them when they reach shore. In real life, they would much more likely be commandeered by sailors, stolen by thieves, or otherwise wander off. Off-handed details reference classic fantasy and science fiction stories. A little girl chasing her dog in the perfect land of the unicorns recalls The Wizard of Oz, and their ship’s captain picks up a translating fish “from some hitchhiker”.
This is not a world with compulsory heterosexuality, so if you’re looking for that kind of social “realism” in your fantasy, you can forget it. I actually enjoyed having characters who didn’t have to constantly justify their same-sex attractions, or repress themselves for the sake of the throne or family honor. The story is touted as a lesbian fantasy, and the two main characters identify as lesbians, but several of the side characters behave bisexually throughout the book, although the word is never used. Their palace guard, the fussy and meticulously clean Tyrone, talks about saving himself for the “right woman,” and is very disappointed to miss the opportunity to sleep with the Queen Under the Waves (his comrades don’t let him, because he has to preserve his virginity so he can wrangle the unicorn), but he later runs off with an elf man for the gift of some shiny mithril-like chainmail. Likewise, Princess Maybelle talks at length about wanting to marry the perfect man, but has no problem dropping that fantasy when Drusilla meets all of her expectations of perfection. Finally, the Queen under the Waves is more than pleased to sleep with any of our adventures, preferably all of them.
For the last 100 pages, I really hoped that Ruth, one of the adventurers, would have a grand reveal as a bisexual. Ruth’s sexuality is a big unknown for most of the story, at one point she is even described as “having a question mark over her head.” It becomes clear pretty quickly that she has a huge crush on Sandy, and much of the plot revolves around Sandy, “The Great Obtuse Mage” coming to realize her own feelings for Ruth. For most of the novel, the group is described as having two lesbians – Sandy and Drusilla. It would have been perfect if this description turned out to be true all along, just like all the improbable oracles in the story, but Ruth finally comes out as a lesbian. Still, the representation in the minor characters was a nice touch, and on the whole it was a fun book.
started-reading
May 23, 2018I got 38% of the way though the audiobook and... I think the narrator is taking away from the story with her very blah performance. The story isn't amazing but I think it would be a lot more interesting to read rather than listen to the disinterested narrator. It sort of matches Sandy's personality but it's just bad. There isn't enough distinction between the voices, nor is there consistency at times. She also was either using no pop filter or a really bad one because it is filled with the noises of saliva!!! There has to be some other noise going on while I listen or those sounds stand out too much and I shudder.
I think the book is amusing enough to warrant another try without the narrator bringing it down. I don't recommend the audio version.
I think the book is amusing enough to warrant another try without the narrator bringing it down. I don't recommend the audio version.
May 31, 2018
This was a lot of good, light-hearted fun. I can't say I'm that big on parody books, but this was cute and made fun of other books and itself without getting too mean or heavy about it. And it had lesbians and adventure and fantasy in it! Some of my favourite things.
I really loved:
- Drusilla (dispossessed princess of an oppressed people). A few of her bits made me laugh out loud (though I am admittedly easy to amuse). I loved her and that stupid paring knife and I LOVED that she got her girl too!
- All the realism within the fantasy, making fun of tropes and the genre. I cackled when they skipped over the whole marsh journey and came to the Land of the Unicorns. Or whatever. Like, it was meta enough to be amusing, but not so much that it was obnoxious.
- The romance. Yeah, it was pretty obvious from the start that Sandy and Ruth would get together, but the book leaned unto the obviousness instead of pretending that we would be surprised by it, and it was altogether cute as fuck. Dimples~
I should note that I started listening to the audiobook as read by Kitty Hendrix and I had to stop. I hated it. I can firmly say if I'd continued all the way through with her reading, I'd have not liked this book half as much. I didn't like her voice, her voices for the characters, and there was so much background noise and swallowing and breathing and gasping, weird pauses and no section breaks and mangled pronunciations that I couldn't tell whether she was doing on purpose or not... skjdhfkjsdf I couldn't do it. Very glad I just read it myself instead.
Anyway. Cute book! 3.5 stars.
I really loved:
- Drusilla (dispossessed princess of an oppressed people). A few of her bits made me laugh out loud (though I am admittedly easy to amuse). I loved her and that stupid paring knife and I LOVED that she got her girl too!
- All the realism within the fantasy, making fun of tropes and the genre. I cackled when they skipped over the whole marsh journey and came to the Land of the Unicorns. Or whatever. Like, it was meta enough to be amusing, but not so much that it was obnoxious.
- The romance. Yeah, it was pretty obvious from the start that Sandy and Ruth would get together, but the book leaned unto the obviousness instead of pretending that we would be surprised by it, and it was altogether cute as fuck. Dimples~
I should note that I started listening to the audiobook as read by Kitty Hendrix and I had to stop. I hated it. I can firmly say if I'd continued all the way through with her reading, I'd have not liked this book half as much. I didn't like her voice, her voices for the characters, and there was so much background noise and swallowing and breathing and gasping, weird pauses and no section breaks and mangled pronunciations that I couldn't tell whether she was doing on purpose or not... skjdhfkjsdf I couldn't do it. Very glad I just read it myself instead.
Anyway. Cute book! 3.5 stars.
February 21, 2019
This book has many references to popular culture.
Stars Wars
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Bewitched
The Narnia Chronicles
The Lord of the Rings
The Princess Bride
Snow White
Wizard of Oz
Three Little Pigs
Hansel and Gretel
Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Stars Wars
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Bewitched
The Narnia Chronicles
The Lord of the Rings
The Princess Bride
Snow White
Wizard of Oz
Three Little Pigs
Hansel and Gretel
Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
The Walrus and the Carpenter
November 7, 2015
Wrote a blurb for this a few weeks back - rollicking and hilarious send-up of fantasy genre conventions.
August 15, 2023
This one took me a little bit longer because works been hectic and I really wasn’t into it I’m not the target demographics so I can’t be too critical of it though I just found the story and the characters kind of just boring not really my cup of tea their Definitely an audience out there for this book but I’m just not in it.
May 6, 2011
First a disclaimer: I happen to be a moderator on the forum run by L-J Baker, lesbianfiction.org, so my objectivity could well be questioned.
Anyway, the subtitle pretty much says it, and you can probably guess this book is not meant to be taken seriously. I am not well versed in fantasy (Chainmail bikinis? Apparently.) and science fiction. Those who are, will likely get even more enjoyment out of this than I did. I think of this as a lesbian mashup of Monty Python (think Holy Grail) and Harry Potter. As straight-C witch, Sandy Blunt, embarks on a quest of, if not epic proportions at least humorous ones, she and her gang skewer just about every trope and cliché of the genres, with plenty of winks to the reader. Baker has something for writers as well. Some might wonder why a character is named Bob, but if you write, you know why and wonder if Baker will deliver the line. Find out for yourself. I did have a bit of trouble getting into the story and really attaching to the characters, partly because of my lack of experience with fantasy, partly because there’s a lot of dialogue without a lot of action in the beginning—lots of talk about how boring real adventuring is. It takes a long time to get to the first item on Sandy’s list, but then things take off nicely. There’s a quotably funny line every few paragraphs. I laughed out loud at the trademarks. (Not sure why I found those so funny.) What I appreciated the most is that the story actually gets better as it goes along—the humor withstands and, while you know where this is headed (see subtitle), there’s still plenty of interest in how she gets there. The writing is crisp and genuinely funny.
I do have a couple of gripes, but they have nothing to do with the writing or the story. First, the font. Perfectly normal except for a curly ligature between some letters, most notably s and t, which bothered me the most because is such a common combination. I found myself counting them instead of focusing on the story. I also wanted to read them with some sort of lisp. Second, the cover. While the drawing is cute, it seemed better suited for a graphic novel. And why is one character depicted with blue eyes and blond hair when he has black eyes and green hair? Both were distractions that pulled me out of the story. Baker is a good writer. Publishers should let her words speak for themselves. But hey, I’ll take a good book packaged poorly over the reverse any day!
So, read this. You’ll have a blast.
Anyway, the subtitle pretty much says it, and you can probably guess this book is not meant to be taken seriously. I am not well versed in fantasy (Chainmail bikinis? Apparently.) and science fiction. Those who are, will likely get even more enjoyment out of this than I did. I think of this as a lesbian mashup of Monty Python (think Holy Grail) and Harry Potter. As straight-C witch, Sandy Blunt, embarks on a quest of, if not epic proportions at least humorous ones, she and her gang skewer just about every trope and cliché of the genres, with plenty of winks to the reader. Baker has something for writers as well. Some might wonder why a character is named Bob, but if you write, you know why and wonder if Baker will deliver the line. Find out for yourself. I did have a bit of trouble getting into the story and really attaching to the characters, partly because of my lack of experience with fantasy, partly because there’s a lot of dialogue without a lot of action in the beginning—lots of talk about how boring real adventuring is. It takes a long time to get to the first item on Sandy’s list, but then things take off nicely. There’s a quotably funny line every few paragraphs. I laughed out loud at the trademarks. (Not sure why I found those so funny.) What I appreciated the most is that the story actually gets better as it goes along—the humor withstands and, while you know where this is headed (see subtitle), there’s still plenty of interest in how she gets there. The writing is crisp and genuinely funny.
I do have a couple of gripes, but they have nothing to do with the writing or the story. First, the font. Perfectly normal except for a curly ligature between some letters, most notably s and t, which bothered me the most because is such a common combination. I found myself counting them instead of focusing on the story. I also wanted to read them with some sort of lisp. Second, the cover. While the drawing is cute, it seemed better suited for a graphic novel. And why is one character depicted with blue eyes and blond hair when he has black eyes and green hair? Both were distractions that pulled me out of the story. Baker is a good writer. Publishers should let her words speak for themselves. But hey, I’ll take a good book packaged poorly over the reverse any day!
So, read this. You’ll have a blast.
December 16, 2013
I started reading this a while back and it was so smarmy, cutesy humorous that I stopped at page 5. It was really annoying. I ran out of things to read on my Kindle so I started it again and this time I did finish it. Either I was in a better mood this time or it's better if you can make it past page 5. It's kind of like Princess Bride meets Lord of the Rings, only the hobbits are lesbian feminists. It's fine if you're looking for a silly beach read but it was a little too self-aware at times.
April 16, 2015
Absolutely wonderful!!!! A really great fun read!
April 4, 2016
I loved this book on every level.
April 22, 2020
This book laid bare all the tropes in fantasy video games. It pokes fun at them as you take off to adventure in a video game. Sandy Blunt makes improbable promises to a princess, and telling the fortunes of princesses is illegal, so she has a year and a day to make them all come true or be she and her friends will be beheaded. Sandy is a wizard, but she’s terrible at being a wizard. Tyrone is a palace guard, but he’s a terrible fighter and more concerned with keeping his armor rust-free. The ogre is a horticulturalist who is more likely to tear you limb from limb for treading on his Heliotropium arborescens than to eat you. The unicorn is the size of a small goat. Sandy thinks Drusilla is crazy because she claims to be a disposed princess of a far-off land who must fend off assassins at every turn. Which she is telling the truth. The task ie adventure quest is ridiculous and pokes fun at how adventures in games are such as do the quest with what the quest task ask for with metal armor on in water which you know should rust if you are wearing it in water. This story makes fun of all that is fantasy and how people who love fantasy understand some of the things portrayed in fantasy is inaccurate but the adventurer needs to do it anyways.
Anyways this book is so funny you have to have some understanding of what exactly the author is making fun of and way. The author does it in a great way with so much humor that you get how crazy some of the adventure quests are. I assume that L. J. Baker is a gamer and spun this tale off of adventuring in fantasy games.
Anyways this book is so funny you have to have some understanding of what exactly the author is making fun of and way. The author does it in a great way with so much humor that you get how crazy some of the adventure quests are. I assume that L. J. Baker is a gamer and spun this tale off of adventuring in fantasy games.
dropped
June 20, 2016I dropped it about halfway through; I was struggling to get invested and I think it's cuz I pretty much only like this particular style of writing and humour in campy movies! I just find it difficult to connect with this humour without visuals, unfortunately, though it certainly SOUNDED like something that would be up my alley - it just wasn't quite grounded enough for my novel tastes. :(
(If someone were to ever make a campy silly ridiculous movie adaptation, though, I would add it to my Netflix queue right away.)
(If someone were to ever make a campy silly ridiculous movie adaptation, though, I would add it to my Netflix queue right away.)
July 10, 2021
Although I was initially lukewarm, this book really grew on me and by the end I was not only entertained but genuinely emotionally invested in Sandy finally getting her act together and kissing Ruth. A fun, self-aware send-up of sword-and-sorcery tropes.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 16, 2015
Delightful!
Well written and imagined. Loved the playful irony, and humorous twists on various well known fictional fairy tales and fantasy stories.
Well written and imagined. Loved the playful irony, and humorous twists on various well known fictional fairy tales and fantasy stories.
July 15, 2016
4.5 stars. A thoroughly enjoyable irreverent take on sword and sorcery fantasy. This book was fun and hilarious and chock full of gay ladies and I had such a great time reading it.
January 19, 2017
A light and entertaining read. Many laugh-aloud moments. Perfect for when you need a break from everyday life.
October 28, 2025
Such a good time
September 30, 2014
So fun!
November 2, 2019
A talking pearl earring.
A gleaming white unicorn.
A flower from an ogre.
Sandy Blunt, witch, has big dreams but C-average magic skills. Her only noteworthy talent is for paying extravagant compliments to women. Trouble is, when she uses that gift, she unwittingly foretells the future for a pretty princess. The punishment for prophesying about one of royal blood is death. With the help of ill-assorted companions, including a self-proclaimed princess in disguise with a wild imagination, a self-absorbed member of the royal guard, and the not-so-average girl next door, Sandy has a year and a day to travel to far-flung places – encountering such dangerous creatures as a dragon who writes awful poetry, slovenly elves, and boarding house landladies – to collect the weird and magical items needed to turn her prophecies into promises and so evade the executioner.
A gleaming white unicorn.
A flower from an ogre.
Sandy Blunt, witch, has big dreams but C-average magic skills. Her only noteworthy talent is for paying extravagant compliments to women. Trouble is, when she uses that gift, she unwittingly foretells the future for a pretty princess. The punishment for prophesying about one of royal blood is death. With the help of ill-assorted companions, including a self-proclaimed princess in disguise with a wild imagination, a self-absorbed member of the royal guard, and the not-so-average girl next door, Sandy has a year and a day to travel to far-flung places – encountering such dangerous creatures as a dragon who writes awful poetry, slovenly elves, and boarding house landladies – to collect the weird and magical items needed to turn her prophecies into promises and so evade the executioner.
January 30, 2017
"You know, going on adventures sound great. Until you actually do it." Drusilla, dispossessed princess of an oppressed people.
Promises, Promises is one of those books that people have been telling me I need to read for years. It features witches, oracles, a Red Sonja-like warrior woman, and, as the cover proclaims, plenty of dykes.
But more importantly, it is a fun story with some great and memorial characters. This is L-J Baker's first foray into comedy and it's a ton of fun.
In the pages of this book she lampoons and satirizes: Star Wars, Dune, Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, Princess Bride, Shrek, the Valdemar Books, Lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, Eragon, Narnia, every fairy tale, Buffy, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (many times), Harry Potter, Monte Python and the Holy Grail, Conan, and of course lots, and lots of D&D.
Not all her jokes hit the mark, but there are so many you don't really care. This is not, as others have claimed. a Xanth-like novel, but the comparison is a fair one.
I honestly believe that L-J Baker had to have been (or still is) a gamer. The references are too well done and actually too lovingly well done to be anything else other than admiration. Yes she is poking fun at some long-held tropes but in such a way as only someone who has loved these tropes can.
If you love stories of adventures or games of them, then I would suggest getting this for those reasons alone. It points out some of the most ridiculous situations adventurers often find themselves in, but again does it in such a way as never to ridicule, but have light fun. The lack of proper hair care products, insect repellant, steady wages and sleeping accommodations are only the tip of the iceberg. You quickly learn that every adventuring company needs a "Ruth".
A couple of nitpicks. Sometimes the book tries to be too clever. Especially when talking about anachronistic details like flushable toilets and advanced cartography. BUT even these are meant to poke fun at modern biases you see in many fantasy books, especially ones based on game worlds.
Also I picked up the audio-book for this and the narrator really has a an odd way of pronoucing some words. Not sure what was going on here, but I cringed every time she would say "talons". Other words she just didn't know how to pronounce. I picked up the Kindle version too just to make sure I was not mishearing something.
All in all, though the book was extremely fun and enjoyable. There is a good story here and even a message about not having to go out to seek something that you already have.
It's no spoiler that there is a Happily-Ever-After (it's on the cover) but like all adventures, most of the fun is getting there anyway.
Thank you my internet minions for suggesting this book to me! Now go forth and find me more!
(Or...if I take the lesson from this tale, I should just go over to my tower of "To Be Read" and tackle that.)
Promises, Promises is one of those books that people have been telling me I need to read for years. It features witches, oracles, a Red Sonja-like warrior woman, and, as the cover proclaims, plenty of dykes.
But more importantly, it is a fun story with some great and memorial characters. This is L-J Baker's first foray into comedy and it's a ton of fun.
In the pages of this book she lampoons and satirizes: Star Wars, Dune, Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, Princess Bride, Shrek, the Valdemar Books, Lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, Eragon, Narnia, every fairy tale, Buffy, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (many times), Harry Potter, Monte Python and the Holy Grail, Conan, and of course lots, and lots of D&D.
Not all her jokes hit the mark, but there are so many you don't really care. This is not, as others have claimed. a Xanth-like novel, but the comparison is a fair one.
I honestly believe that L-J Baker had to have been (or still is) a gamer. The references are too well done and actually too lovingly well done to be anything else other than admiration. Yes she is poking fun at some long-held tropes but in such a way as only someone who has loved these tropes can.
If you love stories of adventures or games of them, then I would suggest getting this for those reasons alone. It points out some of the most ridiculous situations adventurers often find themselves in, but again does it in such a way as never to ridicule, but have light fun. The lack of proper hair care products, insect repellant, steady wages and sleeping accommodations are only the tip of the iceberg. You quickly learn that every adventuring company needs a "Ruth".
A couple of nitpicks. Sometimes the book tries to be too clever. Especially when talking about anachronistic details like flushable toilets and advanced cartography. BUT even these are meant to poke fun at modern biases you see in many fantasy books, especially ones based on game worlds.
Also I picked up the audio-book for this and the narrator really has a an odd way of pronoucing some words. Not sure what was going on here, but I cringed every time she would say "talons". Other words she just didn't know how to pronounce. I picked up the Kindle version too just to make sure I was not mishearing something.
All in all, though the book was extremely fun and enjoyable. There is a good story here and even a message about not having to go out to seek something that you already have.
It's no spoiler that there is a Happily-Ever-After (it's on the cover) but like all adventures, most of the fun is getting there anyway.
Thank you my internet minions for suggesting this book to me! Now go forth and find me more!
(Or...if I take the lesson from this tale, I should just go over to my tower of "To Be Read" and tackle that.)
September 23, 2019
I enjoyed this book so much that although I was reading it for free I went back and paid for it. While it starts out as a typical quest fantasy with lesbian references it has many allusions to fairy tales, mythology, movies, etc to add flavor. You've never seen a quest like this one. Like reading a Fractured Fairy Tale.
Don't worry about the lesbian romance angle; it won't offend you anymore than PC "farm boy trying to win the princess" fiction.
The reader actually has the perfect blend of straight face and understated delivery. I put it in my list of undiscovered treasures that don't get the publicity that they deserve. I hope we hear more from this author.
Don't worry about the lesbian romance angle; it won't offend you anymore than PC "farm boy trying to win the princess" fiction.
The reader actually has the perfect blend of straight face and understated delivery. I put it in my list of undiscovered treasures that don't get the publicity that they deserve. I hope we hear more from this author.
April 26, 2019
Don't get me wrong, if you want a very, very lesbian book, this is one for you. Tragically, it was also a parody of - not even just fantasy tropes, but popular fantasy media - and I wasn't super into it. Very meta. Very soapbox-y. Very 'spot that reference'. I'm not really into the stuff it was making fun of, so it didn't really strike a chord with me there, and the hyper self-aware trope lampshading was uh... it's just not my bag. Maybe it's your bag! But I was relieved to get to the end, and it is not a long book.
October 24, 2019
I can see why a lot of people might not enjoy this one very much. It is silly. Very silly. I love it.
If you are looking for a classic fantasy quest, with plenty of social and feminist commentary, many references to other popular stories, and don’t mind thing getting silly, this might be the book for you.
If you are looking for a classic fantasy quest, with plenty of social and feminist commentary, many references to other popular stories, and don’t mind thing getting silly, this might be the book for you.
March 29, 2022
Seriously, this is my new favorite book. I fell in love with every character! I bought it as an audiobook and the narrator is amazing! I wanna listen to it again now, I set my own personal record and finished it after only three days! My attention usually doesn’t last long, but I just had to listen more and more!! I’m in love. Seriously.
August 5, 2022
4.5 stars
A fun satire/parody of fantasy books. The story follows Sandy, a mediocre witch who ends up having to go on an adventure to make her prophecy of a noble come true. The story pokes fun at classic fantasy books and tropes while also embracing some of those themes. It reminded me of Scary movie.
Worth a read if you like fantasy and can enjoy that genre being made fun of.
A fun satire/parody of fantasy books. The story follows Sandy, a mediocre witch who ends up having to go on an adventure to make her prophecy of a noble come true. The story pokes fun at classic fantasy books and tropes while also embracing some of those themes. It reminded me of Scary movie.
Worth a read if you like fantasy and can enjoy that genre being made fun of.
September 19, 2021
Promises, Promises by L-J Baker was a fun read and full of laugh out loud moments.
The blurb caught my attention and I'm glad I picked this up. It was so worth reading and I highly recommend it to anyone intrested.
I love the cover art.
The blurb caught my attention and I'm glad I picked this up. It was so worth reading and I highly recommend it to anyone intrested.
I love the cover art.
March 14, 2022
Absolutely Hilarious!
Kept me laughing out loud the whole way through. The characters are so entertaining and lovable you can't help but cheer them on. I devoured the whole thing in a single day!
Kept me laughing out loud the whole way through. The characters are so entertaining and lovable you can't help but cheer them on. I devoured the whole thing in a single day!
September 1, 2018
I enjoyed it, but I think it would have worked better as a movie :)
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