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You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded): Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child
It's easy to recognize a strong-willed child. Difficult to discipline, at times impossible to motivate, strong-willed children present unique, frustrating, and often exhausting challenges to those who care for them. But now, the miracle parents long for can happen. Offering new hope, achievable goals, and a breath of fresh air to families and teachers, Cynthia Tobias explains how the mind of a strong-willed child works - and how to use that information to the child's best advantage.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published August 17, 1999
378 people are currently reading
1507 people want to read
About the author
Cynthia Ulrich Tobias
24 books80 followersCynthia Tobias received her Master’s Degree from Seattle Pacific University. Her successful background includes 25 years of private practice, 8 years of teaching public high school, and 6 years in law enforcement. She is a best-selling author of 9 books, a featured guest on radio and television, a popular presenter for business, government agencies, churches and schools throughout the U.S. and the world and is the busy mother of twin sons, now in college. Cynthia and her husband live in the Seattle, WA area.
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February 17, 2010This book does not tell you up front, but it is a Christian book. I almost put it down, as that is not my perspective. She quoted James Dobson a few times, and I seriously considered returning it to the library. BUT, I pressed on because the info seemed right on. The book really described my oldest son and I think I got a lot of VERY useful strategies, not the typical, "break their spirit....they need to be afraid of you" kind of Christian stuff. It was more about working with your child, knowing that they want to be successful and helping them achieve their goals.
February 22, 2016
A great book to keep on the shelf to read on days when I feel out of tricks. I'm copying page 171 top ten strategies here for a great reference.
1. Value my ability to see the world from a unique perspective.
(Find ways to appreciate and make the most of my strengths, even when I annoy you).
2. Remember, we need compelling problems to solve, not just chores to do.
(Don't be the "big boss." I'll respect your authority more when you tell me the point).
3. Ask for my input; keep me in the informational loop.
(Give me some ownership in the process and the outcome).
4. Protect our relationship - you won't get much from me without one.
(Respect and value who I am, and I'll cooperate with you most of the time).
5. Smile at me more often.
(Keep your sense of humor and try to smile, even when you don't like me).
6. Don't let me push you around, but don't push me around either.
(Don't be afraid to stand up to me; just don't run over me).
7. Speak to me respectfully, but firmly.
(Use your voice wisely; it's a powerful resource).
8. Choose your battles - don't sweat the small stuff.
(Decide what's really worth it).
9. Give me some control over my own life and circumstances.
(Allow me to share control with our surrendering your authority).
10. Remind me how much you love me.
(Find subtle ways to keep reminding me your love will always be there).
1. Value my ability to see the world from a unique perspective.
(Find ways to appreciate and make the most of my strengths, even when I annoy you).
2. Remember, we need compelling problems to solve, not just chores to do.
(Don't be the "big boss." I'll respect your authority more when you tell me the point).
3. Ask for my input; keep me in the informational loop.
(Give me some ownership in the process and the outcome).
4. Protect our relationship - you won't get much from me without one.
(Respect and value who I am, and I'll cooperate with you most of the time).
5. Smile at me more often.
(Keep your sense of humor and try to smile, even when you don't like me).
6. Don't let me push you around, but don't push me around either.
(Don't be afraid to stand up to me; just don't run over me).
7. Speak to me respectfully, but firmly.
(Use your voice wisely; it's a powerful resource).
8. Choose your battles - don't sweat the small stuff.
(Decide what's really worth it).
9. Give me some control over my own life and circumstances.
(Allow me to share control with our surrendering your authority).
10. Remind me how much you love me.
(Find subtle ways to keep reminding me your love will always be there).
November 18, 2012
"Think about it. Most employers are looking for someone with good social interaction, a high energy level, and independent thinking skills. We not only don't foster those traits in school, we often actively discourage them. And yet many highly successful people struggled with the traditional classroom demands and were labeled "inconvenient" at best, "disciplinary problems" at worst...." - quote from page 84
The first chapter offers an introduction & self-test to see if you have a strong-willed child... just this chapter alone helped me reframe the way I was looking at one of my sons argumentative nature. While I don't think my son is as strong-willed as some of our family friends' kids, I still skimmed quickly through the entire book and found interesting stories, examples, practical solutions & phrasing, and a refreshing perspective of finding the great things in a strong willed child.
I purchased the book from the author after hearing her speak... excellent speaker as well!
The first chapter offers an introduction & self-test to see if you have a strong-willed child... just this chapter alone helped me reframe the way I was looking at one of my sons argumentative nature. While I don't think my son is as strong-willed as some of our family friends' kids, I still skimmed quickly through the entire book and found interesting stories, examples, practical solutions & phrasing, and a refreshing perspective of finding the great things in a strong willed child.
I purchased the book from the author after hearing her speak... excellent speaker as well!
November 26, 2008
I don't have a strong-willed child, but I WAS a strong willed child. I decided to see what this book was all about since a friend in the Mom's club was reading it. This book should be retitled: "Walk on eggshells around me so that I don't cause you any more grief". Although there are a few good strategies, most of the suggestions are pretty much telling you to walk on eggshells and acquiese to your kid. If my parents utilized the majority of strategies in this book, I would be even more of a mess than I already am! I would be an adult that expects the world to revolve around me and would be socially enept. Your parents may do some of these things to motivate you, but it isn't going to happen in the real world. People are not going to go to these great lengths for you.
March 25, 2009
Written about strong willed children from the perspective of a strong willed adult. It is a positive, up-beat work on how to bring out the best in your kids.
March 14, 2025
Even if a child exhibits zero of the 12 traits the author lists as indicators of a strong-willed child, many of the strategies and phrases offered could still be applied for most kids regardless of temperament. While I didn’t agree with everything she said, I did find several parts to be useful and now have a better understanding of how strong-willed individuals tick which can help with a wide range of relationships not just parent-child (work place interactions for example). Because of that, this book would be a good read for just about anyone.
*edited to add this is NOT a “break their spirit” or authoritarian kind of approach which I was very glad to see. It really gets to the “why” behind strong-willed behavior and emphasizes the strengths of SWCs and working with your child not against them.
*edited to add this is NOT a “break their spirit” or authoritarian kind of approach which I was very glad to see. It really gets to the “why” behind strong-willed behavior and emphasizes the strengths of SWCs and working with your child not against them.
September 14, 2019
This is a great book for those of us who have a strong-willed child. It gives you a new perspective on your child, especially for me who was not a very strong-willed child. For example, I stopped thinking of my child's strong will as a bad thing. "Strong will, in and of itself, is a very positive trait. A strong-willed person is not easily daunted or discouraged, holds firm convictions, and doesn't often accept defeat. A person using strong will in positive ways is fiercely loyal, determined to succeed, and often extraordinary devoted to accomplishing goals."
This book also helps change your perspective on the view (which I tend to have/had) that your children must listen to you no matter what. If you say that they MUST do something, then they WILL do it. Right? Well...not really. When you take this position with your strong-willed child, you are bound to have conflict with them. They will take any punishment you give them and use it to stand their ground and exercise their choice in the matter. According to the author, it's not authority they have trouble with, it's how the authority is communicated. "If you use authority in a way that suggest we don't have a choice, there's almost always going to be trouble." This doesn't mean you let your child get away with bad behavior. It just means you have to be more thoughtful in your approach.
You have to ask yourself, "what's the point?" Give your child the bottom line. They don't get to call the shots on the end result, but we as parents can compromise by allowing some flexibility in the method. As long as the end result brings glory to God, then there can be some flexibility on the method to get there. They also respond better when you tell them the "why" behind an action.
A few quick tips: 1. choose your battles; 2. lighten up, use humor, but don't give in on the end result; 3. ask more questions of them, involve them in the solution; 4. if you punish them don't give them a huge lecture, let the punishment be enough; 5. make sure they know your love is unconditional; having a quality relationship with your child and a good home life will make your child be more prone to listen; 6. be honest with your child, they will appreciate it. 7. if you let your child anger you, they control you (true with anyone I guess); 8. don’t be weak, if you seem weak they will have to fight their natural instinct to destroy you.
The author gives some good advice on helping your child choose a career, too. One thing she said to do is ask your young child two questions every day: 1. what was the best part of your day? and 2. what was the worst part of your day? This will help you understand what they like and don’t like. I actually already do this just to get information out of my more quiet child. I never thought of it as one way to help my child choose a future career path. There are also chapters on blended families and prodigal children.
This is a must read for those with a strong-willed child. Thanks to my sister for recommending it!
This book also helps change your perspective on the view (which I tend to have/had) that your children must listen to you no matter what. If you say that they MUST do something, then they WILL do it. Right? Well...not really. When you take this position with your strong-willed child, you are bound to have conflict with them. They will take any punishment you give them and use it to stand their ground and exercise their choice in the matter. According to the author, it's not authority they have trouble with, it's how the authority is communicated. "If you use authority in a way that suggest we don't have a choice, there's almost always going to be trouble." This doesn't mean you let your child get away with bad behavior. It just means you have to be more thoughtful in your approach.
You have to ask yourself, "what's the point?" Give your child the bottom line. They don't get to call the shots on the end result, but we as parents can compromise by allowing some flexibility in the method. As long as the end result brings glory to God, then there can be some flexibility on the method to get there. They also respond better when you tell them the "why" behind an action.
A few quick tips: 1. choose your battles; 2. lighten up, use humor, but don't give in on the end result; 3. ask more questions of them, involve them in the solution; 4. if you punish them don't give them a huge lecture, let the punishment be enough; 5. make sure they know your love is unconditional; having a quality relationship with your child and a good home life will make your child be more prone to listen; 6. be honest with your child, they will appreciate it. 7. if you let your child anger you, they control you (true with anyone I guess); 8. don’t be weak, if you seem weak they will have to fight their natural instinct to destroy you.
The author gives some good advice on helping your child choose a career, too. One thing she said to do is ask your young child two questions every day: 1. what was the best part of your day? and 2. what was the worst part of your day? This will help you understand what they like and don’t like. I actually already do this just to get information out of my more quiet child. I never thought of it as one way to help my child choose a future career path. There are also chapters on blended families and prodigal children.
This is a must read for those with a strong-willed child. Thanks to my sister for recommending it!
January 7, 2021
My notes:
Strong willed child
-Make sure there’s a relationship to preserve
-Don’t back into corners, maintain dignity
-Have a clear picture of what you’re accomplishing
-Be honest, we see through you so tell me what’s going on
1. Choose your battles. ( morals and physical safety). Is it really worth it?
2. Lighten up. They look for loopholes and push your buttons. They’re overwhelmed sometimes by how much power they have to set you off. Sense of humor... disarm them and give them an opportunity to cooperate and save face. “Nice try” and smile. No disrespect or disobedience but bring out their best.
3. Ask more questions issue fewer orders. Assume the best in them. Do you want help? Are you done soon? Are you annoying me on purpose? They don’t have to agree with your reason but they need to know that you actually have a reason. Is that what you meant to do? Ask “ok?” whenever you give an instruction so you’re acknowledging their choice in cooperating
4. Hand out more tickets give fewer warnings. Often they don’t care about the consequence, they know they still have a choice and are willing to take the consequence
5. Make sure they always know your love is unconditional.
Strong willed child
-Make sure there’s a relationship to preserve
-Don’t back into corners, maintain dignity
-Have a clear picture of what you’re accomplishing
-Be honest, we see through you so tell me what’s going on
1. Choose your battles. ( morals and physical safety). Is it really worth it?
2. Lighten up. They look for loopholes and push your buttons. They’re overwhelmed sometimes by how much power they have to set you off. Sense of humor... disarm them and give them an opportunity to cooperate and save face. “Nice try” and smile. No disrespect or disobedience but bring out their best.
3. Ask more questions issue fewer orders. Assume the best in them. Do you want help? Are you done soon? Are you annoying me on purpose? They don’t have to agree with your reason but they need to know that you actually have a reason. Is that what you meant to do? Ask “ok?” whenever you give an instruction so you’re acknowledging their choice in cooperating
4. Hand out more tickets give fewer warnings. Often they don’t care about the consequence, they know they still have a choice and are willing to take the consequence
5. Make sure they always know your love is unconditional.
October 10, 2011
10-10-11
This was highly recommended to me by a dear friend with a strong willed son who is about eight years older than my strong willed daughter. Oh boy, we have been having some hard moments, days and weeks with our girl lately. She's always been difficult for me to parent but this is some uncharted territory. I've learned a thing or two over the years, and if I could go back and start over with her, I'd know much better how to appreciate her wonderful self as a baby, toddler, little kid. I would back way down and let a lot more go. But it's too late to do it as "right" as I could have, so I'm hoping to get this next part more "right" than I am at the moment.
Four stars for now, but I'm hoping this will be a five star book in practice. Note to self: don't buy used books that come from a home where someone smokes! It's wearing off, but man, that smell makes me queasy.
This was highly recommended to me by a dear friend with a strong willed son who is about eight years older than my strong willed daughter. Oh boy, we have been having some hard moments, days and weeks with our girl lately. She's always been difficult for me to parent but this is some uncharted territory. I've learned a thing or two over the years, and if I could go back and start over with her, I'd know much better how to appreciate her wonderful self as a baby, toddler, little kid. I would back way down and let a lot more go. But it's too late to do it as "right" as I could have, so I'm hoping to get this next part more "right" than I am at the moment.
Four stars for now, but I'm hoping this will be a five star book in practice. Note to self: don't buy used books that come from a home where someone smokes! It's wearing off, but man, that smell makes me queasy.
July 30, 2014
Another good book about how to create win-win solutions with strong-willed children. The more that I read the better that we are getting to be as parents (hopefully).
April 25, 2023
I’m a Christian myself, but the large number of religious references in this book felt uncomfortably forced and rarely connected to the parenting content. “Learning styles” have been debunked and it made me uneasy when the author gave advice about conditions like ADHD despite no medical background. However, there were some useful parenting tips in Chapter 3.
I recommend reading Chapter 3 and skipping the rest.
I recommend reading Chapter 3 and skipping the rest.
September 24, 2017
I really enjoyed this for the most part and some of the simple tips shared really are useful. For example, asking "did you mean to do that?" has already resulted in some interesting answers and insight into my stubborn child's mind. Combining some of these questions with tips learned in "How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" is sure to be a winning combination.
May 10, 2018
This book comes with very useful insights and tips for training a strong-willed child. It also helps you see the gift that a spirited child is to your family and your world, and equips you with strategies to develop those gifts more effectively in your child.
May 16, 2018
I found this book very encouraging. At least one of my three boys is a firm strong willed child "SWC", but this book can be applied to parenting all personalities. I appreciate that she values cultivating a relationship with your child, while not sacrificing order and discipline. I will probably go back and re-read this book occasionally.
July 5, 2020
3.5 got some good applicable things out of it. And although it's Christian based, she doesn't hit you over the head with it. It's touched on, but then moves on, so anyone of any belief could get something out of it.
March 22, 2022
This was really really good!! I will definitely be implementing the strategies with my SWC….ahem….Violet 😂. The audio book was well done, and I purchased the book after listening to it since I know I’ll be referencing it regularly. Wish I had read this several years ago!!
October 20, 2016
This book brought some light to the thought process of strong willed children, which in my opinion is very important for parents to know. It would help parents to handle the situations better. There are some great suggestions and a consistent review of where we parents go wrong. I will go through this book again and again to make sure I am doing my best to develope a beautiful relation with my child and to help her grow into a wonderful individual.
March 27, 2017
This is a wonderful book! She gives great advice that has already helped me with my strong-willed child. I enjoy her writing style and how the chapters are laid out.
May 28, 2021
This book is to stay! One of the best I have read about the topic. Thinking of bringing it to my SWC' therapist :D We could save some money on extra sessions!
June 7, 2021
This was a quick read and there were simple suggestions that have helped me to better communicate with my children - especially my youngest. Time will ultimately tell how effective the book is.
February 8, 2025
Encouraging advice
March 24, 2021
Audiobook. It was a good way to learn about SWP (people, not children) and also learn a little about myself. More focused towards children and will be helpful for having kids but also good to learn about how to talk with SWP. Would definitely buy this book if I had kids.
March 16, 2022
Such a helpful parenting book. So much insight and many practical tools to parenting a strong willed kiddo, all of which focus on maintaining a good, growing relationship with your child. Will definitely reference again and again.
September 11, 2023
So many good things to help me with my kiddo. I may need to own my own copy to refer back on.
February 29, 2024
My first audiobook. I like the approaches it teaches about the strong willed child. I have tried a few times on my 6 year old and I can see how if I am consistent with her method of communicating to a SWC it will be effective.
November 24, 2020
My strong-willed child is only 2, so most of the book will come into play when he gets a little older but I felt it laid good ground work with how to approach things with him.
December 18, 2018
p. 28: Relationships will always matter more than rules. If we have a good relationship with you, we'll follow your rules even if we don't agree with them. We do it because we love and respect you. Home should be a place we always look forward to coming back--a safe harbor where we are understood and valued for who we are. We know you want to prepare us for dealing with a hostile world, but if you don't provide a safe, warm place for us, who will? We need to know that you'll always be there for us, no matter what. That doesn't mean you should let the SWC take advantage of you. It means your love for us is unshakeable and unconditional. That same love must sometimes be tough, and it doesn't just bail us out when we get in trouble. Above all, no matter what we say or do, no matter what consequences must be faced, we have to know your love will never disappear.
p. 46: I push and you react. I push and you react again. ...How can you break this habit? Punishment often doesn't work. When you yell, it only confirms our power over you. But one thing has the potential to turn conflict into cooperation more often than you ever thought possible: a sense of humor. Lighten up, but don't let up. You should not let an SWC get by with bad behavior. ...My favorite way to lighten up is to use this two-word phrase: Nice try. The next time your SWC says or does something that really ticks you off, instead of jumping down his throat, simply say, "Nice try." Then smile and stop talking. Or "Nice try. I thought you were serious for a minute." Then smile and stop talking.
p. 48: If you want an SWC to do something, asking a question that assumes the best in us almost always results in us moving toward what you want us to do. For example, Mike promised to finish his homework before five o'clock so the dining room table could be cleared for dinner. At five, he was still not finished. Instead of saying, "Mike, you said you'd be done by give--get this stuff off the table!" I found that asking a question worked better: "Mike, are you almost done with that homework?" He jumped and replied, "Oh yeah, just one more problem and I'll get this stuff off the table."
Robert, have you taken the trash out yet?
Marie, did you put your homework in your backpack?
This approach creates a much more positive and cooperative atmosphere than issuing order...
p. 64: they overlooked a vital part of the solution: They had not fostered the kind of relationship with their son that he wanted to preserve. Even when he wasn't annoying and disobeying them, did they still scold him? Had this boys' parents invested the time and effort it takes to let him know they really enjoyed having him around? When they taught him to do the right things, had they also noticed and appreciated the times he chose to follow their lead? If they had taken time to build the kind of relationship their son would value, their words of rebuke and harsh calls for change might have been more effective. But if they had spent the last few years yelling at him more often than they spoke kindly to him, if they always seemed to notice what went wrong and simply said nothing when things went right, their son may have felt he essentially had nothing to lose. If his parents were going to yell and be mad at him no matter what, why should he even try?
p. 75: if your SWC suddenly decides he is no longer going to go to church with you, don't react in anger, and don't force the issue. Try to find out why your SWC doesn't want to go--but don't ask impatiently. When you ask why, your SWC may not really know or may not be able to put his feelings into words. Try asking things like "What would motivate you to want to go?" or "What do you think the point of going to church should be?" Make a concerted effort to listen to your SWC's responses. The answers will almost certainly reveal more than you anticipate. Your SWC needs to feel he has input. The more you can involve your SWC in coming up with the solution, the better your chances of avoiding the problem in the first place.
p. 81: I love hearing Steve Green sing "Find us Faithful." As an SWC whose greatest motivation has always come by way of love and inspiration, I find the chorus especially meaningful: May all who come behind us Find us faithful; May the fire of our devotion light their way. May the footprints that we leave Lead them to believe--and the lives we live Inspire them to obey.
In a nutshell: If you want to motivate me, inspire me. If you want to direct me, lead the way. If you want to encourage my ambition, ignite the fire with your enthusiasm.
p. 87: "Have you asked Jason what grade he wants to get in this class?" She looked surprised. She had never considered work for less than an A in any class. As we talked Jason's mom forced herself to consider my SWC advice. Here's what worked: Jason's mom made sure her son knew the point of taking this class in the first place. He agreed that he wanted to keep his transcript looking good for his college applications, something he hadn't considered in his attitude toward the class....
p. 95: Keep an open line of communication between you, your SWC, and the teacher. Encourage your SWC to speak to the teacher every day, even if it's just to say hello and make mention of something positive. ("I like the new poster." "That's a cool necklace." "I'm glad you gave us an extra day for the test.") It won't take long for the teacher to being to notice your child and start making positive comments in return. Drop a personal note to the teacher every once in a while, reinforcing how much you appreciate her efforts to help kids learn and feel valued. Let the teacher know that you aren't going to let your SWC get by with excuses for not doing work or obeying the rules, but that you also want to find as many ways as possible to help your child succeed.
p. 98: In his book Teaching Through Encouragement, Robert Martin put forth a simple but profound explanation for why children may not be paying attention: "Inattention is really a way of saying that a student is paying attention to something the teacher isn't interested in. A student who never pays attention is paying attention to something."
p. 120: Three stategies to regain sanity in the heat of the moment
1. Back off. If I feel backed into a corner, I probably won't do something positive.... Your SWC is driving you crazy--so do something to get your perspective back in balance. Take a deep breath and say something like,, "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that." Then walk away. Or turn to your SWC and say, "Nice try." Then go on as if you truly believe she didn't mean what she said.
p. 166: I have seen only one effective solution for rebuilding and recovering relationships that are so far gone: God, who created us in the first place, can restore love and renew the desire to keep our relationships healthy and strong. On our own, we humans simply don't have the resources or energy to deal with the daily challenges of life with an SWC.
If you feel that you have exhausted your options--if you have had it--and you don't see any way to rebuild your relationship with your SWC, let me offer you the best hope I have found, bar none. Trust the wisdom of the God who created your SWC in the first place. Pray for guidance and wisdom and, most of all, the desire to love your child unconditionally. It takes more strength than you have, but God has an abundant store of mercy and grace, and it's when we reach the end of our own resources that He can do His best. Don't despair if things don't change immediately. Keep praying, and keep working on your attitude. Don't give up--with God's help you can do more than you think!
p. 171: Top Ten Tips for Bringing out the Best in an SWC of Any Age
1. Value my ability to see the world from a unique perspective. Find ways to appreciate and make the most of my strengths, even when I annoy you.
2. Remember, we need compelling problems to solve, not just chores to do. Don't be the "big boss." I'll respect your authority more when you tell me the point.
3. Ask for my input; keep me in the information loop. Give me some ownership in the process and the outcome.
4. Protect our relationship--you won't get much from me without one. Respect and value who I am, and I'll cooperate with you most of the time.
5. Smiles at me more often. Keep your sense of humor and try to smile, even when you don't like me.
6. Don't let me push you around, but don't push me around either. Don't be afraid to stand up to me: just don't run over me.
7. Speak to me respectfully, but firmly. Use your voice wisely; it's a powerful resource.
8. Choose your battles--don't sweat the small stuff. Decide what's really worth it.
9. Give me some control over my own life and circumstances. Allow me to share control without surrendering your authority.
10. Remind me how much you love me. Find subtle ways to keep reminding me your love will always be there.
p. 46: I push and you react. I push and you react again. ...How can you break this habit? Punishment often doesn't work. When you yell, it only confirms our power over you. But one thing has the potential to turn conflict into cooperation more often than you ever thought possible: a sense of humor. Lighten up, but don't let up. You should not let an SWC get by with bad behavior. ...My favorite way to lighten up is to use this two-word phrase: Nice try. The next time your SWC says or does something that really ticks you off, instead of jumping down his throat, simply say, "Nice try." Then smile and stop talking. Or "Nice try. I thought you were serious for a minute." Then smile and stop talking.
p. 48: If you want an SWC to do something, asking a question that assumes the best in us almost always results in us moving toward what you want us to do. For example, Mike promised to finish his homework before five o'clock so the dining room table could be cleared for dinner. At five, he was still not finished. Instead of saying, "Mike, you said you'd be done by give--get this stuff off the table!" I found that asking a question worked better: "Mike, are you almost done with that homework?" He jumped and replied, "Oh yeah, just one more problem and I'll get this stuff off the table."
Robert, have you taken the trash out yet?
Marie, did you put your homework in your backpack?
This approach creates a much more positive and cooperative atmosphere than issuing order...
p. 64: they overlooked a vital part of the solution: They had not fostered the kind of relationship with their son that he wanted to preserve. Even when he wasn't annoying and disobeying them, did they still scold him? Had this boys' parents invested the time and effort it takes to let him know they really enjoyed having him around? When they taught him to do the right things, had they also noticed and appreciated the times he chose to follow their lead? If they had taken time to build the kind of relationship their son would value, their words of rebuke and harsh calls for change might have been more effective. But if they had spent the last few years yelling at him more often than they spoke kindly to him, if they always seemed to notice what went wrong and simply said nothing when things went right, their son may have felt he essentially had nothing to lose. If his parents were going to yell and be mad at him no matter what, why should he even try?
p. 75: if your SWC suddenly decides he is no longer going to go to church with you, don't react in anger, and don't force the issue. Try to find out why your SWC doesn't want to go--but don't ask impatiently. When you ask why, your SWC may not really know or may not be able to put his feelings into words. Try asking things like "What would motivate you to want to go?" or "What do you think the point of going to church should be?" Make a concerted effort to listen to your SWC's responses. The answers will almost certainly reveal more than you anticipate. Your SWC needs to feel he has input. The more you can involve your SWC in coming up with the solution, the better your chances of avoiding the problem in the first place.
p. 81: I love hearing Steve Green sing "Find us Faithful." As an SWC whose greatest motivation has always come by way of love and inspiration, I find the chorus especially meaningful: May all who come behind us Find us faithful; May the fire of our devotion light their way. May the footprints that we leave Lead them to believe--and the lives we live Inspire them to obey.
In a nutshell: If you want to motivate me, inspire me. If you want to direct me, lead the way. If you want to encourage my ambition, ignite the fire with your enthusiasm.
p. 87: "Have you asked Jason what grade he wants to get in this class?" She looked surprised. She had never considered work for less than an A in any class. As we talked Jason's mom forced herself to consider my SWC advice. Here's what worked: Jason's mom made sure her son knew the point of taking this class in the first place. He agreed that he wanted to keep his transcript looking good for his college applications, something he hadn't considered in his attitude toward the class....
p. 95: Keep an open line of communication between you, your SWC, and the teacher. Encourage your SWC to speak to the teacher every day, even if it's just to say hello and make mention of something positive. ("I like the new poster." "That's a cool necklace." "I'm glad you gave us an extra day for the test.") It won't take long for the teacher to being to notice your child and start making positive comments in return. Drop a personal note to the teacher every once in a while, reinforcing how much you appreciate her efforts to help kids learn and feel valued. Let the teacher know that you aren't going to let your SWC get by with excuses for not doing work or obeying the rules, but that you also want to find as many ways as possible to help your child succeed.
p. 98: In his book Teaching Through Encouragement, Robert Martin put forth a simple but profound explanation for why children may not be paying attention: "Inattention is really a way of saying that a student is paying attention to something the teacher isn't interested in. A student who never pays attention is paying attention to something."
p. 120: Three stategies to regain sanity in the heat of the moment
1. Back off. If I feel backed into a corner, I probably won't do something positive.... Your SWC is driving you crazy--so do something to get your perspective back in balance. Take a deep breath and say something like,, "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that." Then walk away. Or turn to your SWC and say, "Nice try." Then go on as if you truly believe she didn't mean what she said.
p. 166: I have seen only one effective solution for rebuilding and recovering relationships that are so far gone: God, who created us in the first place, can restore love and renew the desire to keep our relationships healthy and strong. On our own, we humans simply don't have the resources or energy to deal with the daily challenges of life with an SWC.
If you feel that you have exhausted your options--if you have had it--and you don't see any way to rebuild your relationship with your SWC, let me offer you the best hope I have found, bar none. Trust the wisdom of the God who created your SWC in the first place. Pray for guidance and wisdom and, most of all, the desire to love your child unconditionally. It takes more strength than you have, but God has an abundant store of mercy and grace, and it's when we reach the end of our own resources that He can do His best. Don't despair if things don't change immediately. Keep praying, and keep working on your attitude. Don't give up--with God's help you can do more than you think!
p. 171: Top Ten Tips for Bringing out the Best in an SWC of Any Age
1. Value my ability to see the world from a unique perspective. Find ways to appreciate and make the most of my strengths, even when I annoy you.
2. Remember, we need compelling problems to solve, not just chores to do. Don't be the "big boss." I'll respect your authority more when you tell me the point.
3. Ask for my input; keep me in the information loop. Give me some ownership in the process and the outcome.
4. Protect our relationship--you won't get much from me without one. Respect and value who I am, and I'll cooperate with you most of the time.
5. Smiles at me more often. Keep your sense of humor and try to smile, even when you don't like me.
6. Don't let me push you around, but don't push me around either. Don't be afraid to stand up to me: just don't run over me.
7. Speak to me respectfully, but firmly. Use your voice wisely; it's a powerful resource.
8. Choose your battles--don't sweat the small stuff. Decide what's really worth it.
9. Give me some control over my own life and circumstances. Allow me to share control without surrendering your authority.
10. Remind me how much you love me. Find subtle ways to keep reminding me your love will always be there.
May 3, 2012
This was pretty much a plagarized version of Jim Fay's "Love and Logic" re-created to justify shelving at your local Maranatha Christian Bookstore. While working with youth on a daily basis in a therapeutic setting, I am able to transfer some of Tobias' insight into my own philosophies and practices surrounding relationship, behavior management, and the celebration of the child as individual. I am a fan and practitioner of Jim Fay's techniques. However, some of Tobias' justifications for a SWC (Strong Willed child) to be downright disobedient and refusing to comply is arrogant, especially at her "adult" level. I realize that being "told" what to do is not an option that many children struggle with far into their adult years. Therapy surrounding helping them make other choices or gradually supporting the following of rules and acknowledging that rules are there for a reason (in several instances) is necessary (you cannot escape that.) This, as opposed to the flag waving "we are SWC...accommodate us and hear us roar" theory benefits the SWC, enhances relationships around them as opposed to alienating them based on behavior, honors others' schedules, others' work and time, and helps keep individuality and honor without the attitude. Published in 1999, this book is far from the reality of many school systems today (which at the time of writing this, she rallies against.) Teams collaborate to help each student succeed with frequent data and research driven support systems in place. I do believe in her "giving control" to the individual, but as a Fay disciple, I already believed and practiced that. An inspirational read if you need Sunday School rhetoric.
March 16, 2020
A friend out this book in my hands when I asked her for strategies in parenting my strong willed children (2 children, both fiercely strong willed; side note, I hate using that term but continue to do so because it’s the one society uses.)
What I loved most was Cynthia’s use of second voice—she included herself in the “strong willed” category and that transformed the tone of the book away from the confrontational Us vs Them, Parents vs. Child stance so common in books on this topic and more towards an inclusive, behind-the-scenes, understanding and empathy based approach.
I also liked how often she affirmed, complimented, praised, and valued the strong willed personality. That was such a balm to me because I want to have that same attitude towards my children.
I do wish there had been a little more strategizing or practical advice but I can appreciate that it wasn’t her focus (and that such advice can be easily misused).
What I loved most was Cynthia’s use of second voice—she included herself in the “strong willed” category and that transformed the tone of the book away from the confrontational Us vs Them, Parents vs. Child stance so common in books on this topic and more towards an inclusive, behind-the-scenes, understanding and empathy based approach.
I also liked how often she affirmed, complimented, praised, and valued the strong willed personality. That was such a balm to me because I want to have that same attitude towards my children.
I do wish there had been a little more strategizing or practical advice but I can appreciate that it wasn’t her focus (and that such advice can be easily misused).
October 18, 2010
I gave this book a low rating not because I disagreed with her strategies of dealing with strong willed children. I just felt that she lacked original ideas. She constantly quoted Dobson, author of "The Strong-Willed Child" and Cline and Fay, authors of "Parenting with Love and Logic." Instead of reading a summary of their works, I would have rather just read the originals instead! Instead of a lot of anecdotes, I prefer to learn with direct instructions. There wasn't as much instruction as I like in these types of books. The few examples she gave, however, were good. I liked when she would give examples of using "thinking words" instead of "fighting words" to really illustrate her point... oh wait, I do believe that was one of the times she just stole ideas from another author.
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