The Lies We Believe: The #1 Cause of Our Unhappiness

by Chris Thurman

This newly repackaged edition examines the lies people tell themselves that damage emotional health, relationships, and spiritual life. Psychologist Dr. Chris Thurman guides the reader through part one that identifies the different areas of self-lies, religious lies, marital lies, distortion lies, and worldly lies. Part Two delves into the issues of what is truth, and Part Three deals with how to live the truth, ultimately revealing the freedom that can only come from one thing-believing and telling themselves the truth.

An extremely easy-to-follow guide filled with comprehensive workbook exercises, this edition is a way to help people experience the emotional health, intimate relationships, and spiritual fulfillment they are seeking.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Psychology, Self Help, Counselling, Christian Non Fiction, Theology

206 pages, Hardcover

First published November 30, 1988

Reviews

[Brittany Shields · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Truth matters. It matters not just in our relationships, in what we say to others, but inside each of us.”

It took me awhile to get through this book and I wish I would have read it within a shorter time frame, but for some of it I was reading it with a group and so it was sporadic reading.

Combining psychology and biblical truths, there are a lot of good insights in this book to help us recognize that the way we think about God, ourselves, life, and others is important and it’s often distorted in ways we never realized.

Thurman has written this book to help expose some of those lies and to tell us the truths we SHOULD believe that will transform our lives.

“We lie to ourselves every day, multiple times a day, when we tell ourselves things that are inaccurate, distorted, untrue, irrational, mistaken, and most important, unbiblical. The lies we tell ourselves cost us dearly. They cost us good relationships with others, a sense of meaning and purpose, emotional health, well-lived lives, confidence that we have worth, and an intimate relationship with the God of the universe, who created us in His image.”


We’d like to think that we are rational thinkers and that we can trust our intuitions and that our ‘heart’ would never lie to us, but that’s just simply not true. The Bible says:

“For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools…” (Rom 1:21-22)

“the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but have itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.” (2 Tim 4:4)

“the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. (2 Cor. 4:4)

We have to take captive every thought and discern whether we are believing lies or truth.


The aim of this book is to help with that.

This book would be easy to outline because it’s broken down into different sections within the chapters with lots of headings and provides ‘answers’ often in list form. He says these lists are to help us “assess whether you believe certain lies and whether you fall into unhealthy ways of living life.”

After explaining the ways that our minds are under attack and some methods of overthrowing mental strongholds, he goes through the lies that we believe about ourselves, others, life, and God, followed by chapters specifically about lies women believe and men believe.

Here are just a few of the lies addressed in the book:

- My worth is determined by how I perform
- My unhappiness is externally caused
- Others should accept me just the way I am
- People are basically good
- Life should be easy and fair
- You can have it all
- God is mean and vindictive
- I can do it by myself
- My main job in life is to make everyone happy

The next part, after tearing down the lies, is spent building up the truths. Some of these are:

- To err is human
- You can’t please everyone
- It’s not all about you
- Life is difficult
- You are a person of great worth
- The world owes you nothing
- You are going to die

Some of these kind of sound a little gloomy. Maybe you prefer to hear- You’re awesome! Everything is awesome! You deserve the best and everything you want and on and on.

But that’s why I’m not typically a fan of self-help books. Because 1) they seem to tell you to look within yourself for help, when we should be looking to God to save us from ourselves, but 2) a lot of self-helpy type books promote ‘positive thinking’ as a solution. That has always felt empty to me.

I appreciate that Thurman also agrees with this and reminds us that it’s about the truth, not just being positive:

“I’m not a fan of ‘positive thinking.’ As far as I’m concerned, those who tout positive thinking are actually part of the problem, not part of the solution. Why? Because, the most important issue about the beliefs we hold isn’t whether they are positive or negative but whether they are true. Some beliefs are positive but flat-out untrue.”

Each of the truths he promotes in this section are based in gospel truth and tells us the truth about our sin and our need for a perfect Savior. While appearing gloomy at first blush, they point us to the power of Christ and how we are called to treat others. It is the path to life.

It also acknowledges that we will never be perfect this side of heaven. Sanctification is a process that ultimately leads to glorification (perfection); but here on earth it is a daily dying to ourselves and continually becoming more like Christ.


Which is why one of my favorite ‘truth’ chapters in this list was ‘to err is human.’

“To err is human, but when your eraser wears out before your pencil does, you’re overdoing it.”

This chapter was about perfectionism. Thurman discusses the differences between pursuing excellence vs pursuing perfection.

When we pursue perfection we are committing the sin of pride in trying to be God: omniscient (knowing everything), omnipotent (all powerful and in control of everything), and omnipresent (doing everything and being everywhere at once). Those characteristics are reserved for God. We could never achieve them.

Pursuing excellence is a mindset of doing our best, being process-minded rather than product-minded, being realistic in our thinking, and knowing our worth is in Christ, not our performance.

These were good reminders that our goal is not to be perfect because we are human and we will make mistakes, but that we are in the process of sanctification, and pursuing excellence is our goal. And of course… it’s also trying to use the pencil more than the eraser…


Romans 12: 2 tells us we need to be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we can discern what is good. The Enemy wants to distract us with lies so that we won’t pursue truth and good.

The last part of the book looks at how exemplifying Christ looks in all of this. While we don’t have access to all the specific thoughts of God, we have his Word, his commands., his life. The way Jesus lived gives us all the insights we need on how to renew our minds.

The character and attitude of Christ is marked by humility.

“Developing a deep-seated attitude of humility is the most important issue in the renewal of our mind. It’s the reason why there are so many verses in the Bible that talk about dying to self, serving others, and esteeming others more highly than yourself.”

If we were to go back through the entire book and all the lies and truths he shares and see how humility fits into resisting the lies and pursuing the truth we will see that humility is essential.

If we get nothing else from this book but an urgent exhortation to pursue humility, we will be on the right track.

“The acquisition of knowledge about an issue is a nice start, but it doesn’t set people free. To really know and deeply believe something, we have to contemplatively think about and act on it until it becomes so deeply embedded in the way we look at reality that we live life the way Christ did— lovingly, kindly, genuinely, compassionately, hospitably, courageously, selflessly, and passionately.”


Recommendation

I would definitely recommend this book. It’s a bit long and if you do it in a group a few chapters a week or so, you’ll have to intentionally stay connected to it because it’s easy to forget where you are if you go too long in between chapters.

The benefit of reading it in a group is hearing other’s thoughts and how you’re not the only one believing these lies and struggling with these truths. It may provide a good basis for accountability within a group and how to encourage one another in the struggles. It will require honesty and transparency, but in light of the gospel, there is forgiveness and Christ’s power to pursue truth and to change what feels impossible to change.

I found the writing style to be easy to follow and conversational at times. The author is honest about his own downfalls which helps it feel less like a lecture and more like encouragement.

“The most important way God works for the god of those who love Him is to help us change how we view reality so we can handle difficult circumstances in a more Christlike manner.”

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[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic must read!

[Dee Toomey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chris Thurman has written a good self-help book with this one. In every chapter he identifies the common lies that we or society tells us that we believe, explains how this adversely affects our lives, and gives us tools that we can use to correct these beliefs. I found myself recognizing me in several of the "lies we believe" and recognizing we are doing this is a great first step to a better life. Good book.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Identifying and correcting errors in our thinking is a life-long journey. This book is just one of many tools that can be used in the process. The author examines thirty lies within five categorical groupings. If you were to compare this listing to the lies explored within "The Lies Women Believe (Demoss)" or Battlefield of the Mind (Meyer), you would have a few similarities but many differences. That's because the purpose and scope of each literary work varies. These lies have been taken from a cross sample of individuals coached (both male and female) through various life situations. As such it's more general and broader in application. Likewise, the ten truths explored are also broad in application. The customization to the individual occurs within the groundwork (exercises) included in each chapter. I will freely admit that I did not complete all of the exercises. I found some of them quite laborious and not very practical for my schedule or my learning preferences. However, there was sufficient variety in the exercises to allow me to engage in the material in a manner suitable to me.

[Issa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m so happy I was given a recommendation to read this book and it will definitely be a book that I will occasionally look back on from time to time. There is a workbook that goes with it but I did not do the workbook. I also really like that throughout the entire book, there are countess references back to scripture. Also, in the back of the book in Appendix A there are continued scriptures referenced. In Appendix B there are some additional books that Dr. Thurman recommends.

There are a couple reasons why this book wasn’t a 5 star read for me:
1. This is probably a personal preference but I think it may have been interesting to put the “truths” first and then the “lies” secondly. Maybe to better equip the reader as they were to then dive into the deep and sometimes dark truths.
2. There were some opinions and statements that Dr. Thurman stated that I didn’t agree with. I may go back and add them in this review in the future.

[Jill ChinjillaVanilla · Rating 3 out of 5]

So sad this excellent book was taken in such a polarizing political direction in chapter 15 of the updated 2019 edition. If an author exemplifies one political side not to be followed because they don’t have the heart of Christ (in Thurman’s opinion, blatant Republican Trump hating over separation of children from parents of illegal immigrants), it bears to mention the other side, as in how can Democrats be followed as well considering their stance on abortion, which is the killing of children and something God and Christ directly condemned. This new edition lost a lot of credibility on this point. Find an earlier edition for a balanced non-political read. Trump won handily in 2025…. This edition’s politicization will be a barrier to many readers.

[Marisa Jewell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This needs to be in every Christian's arsenal. I have a physical copy of this and also the audiobook. There is a workbook that can be purchased separately but it's not necessary BECAUSE there are some reflection questions at the end of each chapter. He also has two appendix's in the book. Appendix A and B. One he cites all the scripture he used and the other he provides additional reading material which I love!

[Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful work. I took a course from Dr. Thurman at my church in Austin called emotionally healthy Christianity and it was deeply transformational. This book touches on a few reasons why we may struggle with healthy mindsets and expectations. I absolutely loved it. There's a chapter for everyone. Living in reality was the game changer chapter for me.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

On the one hand it was too "self-help-y" on the other hand it was very helpful. I would have appreciated a bit more scripture to support his points but he still used enough. We all struggle with lies we believe and if you don't think you have any, all the more reason you need to read it.

[Julie Wasmus · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up this book after it was referenced by the Pastor at my church. It really took several months to get through as there is so much great information included. I probably highlighted half of the book and took several pages of notes. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

[April Corlew · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book, especially for counseling situations. It is a great blend of psychology and biblical truth to guide people to recognize the lies we tell ourselves and how to rewire our thinking so to lead us into joyful and content lives.

[Mark Fairhurst · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing simply outstanding. It clarifies areas and painful places in your life as well as places you didn’t know exist. Every one should read this book.

[B Shelton · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt like I was walking in quick sand. While the premise is intriguing and I agree with the author in how to overcome these self delusions; it was a textbook read.

[Derrick Burnell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book. If you decide to read and pay attention to it; it will change your life.

[Leiana Day · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're interested in self-improvement at all, read this book. Christian perspective and backed up by both Bible verses and secular reason. Brilliant book

[Dawn V Collins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shift your thinking, renew your mind and heal well.

[Lisa Skabrat · Rating 5 out of 5]

If we want to find our authenticity, our thought processes have to be unveiled. As we discover how we think, we need direction for changing the thought processes that aren’t beneficial to us. The way we think is the first area we need to consider if we want to promote our individuality and find our uniqueness. Dr. Chris Thurman has some fantastic resources for us to use as we tackle this huge topic.

The Lies We Believe begins to unwrap our misconceptions about ourselves, our world and our relationships. Dr Thurman explains misunderstood beliefs that could be limiting us rather than encouraging us to find our authenticity. When we discover an error in our thinking, we have the opportunity to correct it and create sustainable change in our views. That helps us find our authenticity and build lasting and healthy relationships.

Dr Thurman is a psychologist and counselor. Although his training and experience gives him valuable psychological depth, his writing is easy to understand. In this volume he addresses topics that affect our view of ourselves, our relationships and our world. We can all apply what Dr Thurman explains in The Lies We Believe simply by examining our own thought processes.

[Brandee Shafer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was required reading from my therapist, who values it as very foundational. The premise is that--just as our physical selves are what we eat--our emotional selves are what we think. The first part of the book is about lies we shouldn't believe, and the second is about the truths we should. All of the information is presented within a Christian context.

I felt impatient with this book for the most part: not because I didn't agree with Thurman, but because I did. I just didn't find his words particularly insightful.

Then I stumbled upon a "truth" in the second part of the book with which I didn't automatically agree: specifically, that emotional pain is good. I learned a lot--especially about myself--upon delving into Thurman's thoughts on this. (Essentially, he draws the analogy of emotional pain : smoke alarm :: internal problem : fire. So emotional pain like quick anger, depression, anxiety, etc. is good because it warns us that there's a deeper problem to which we need to attend.)

Overall, I do think this book a good starting place within the realm of Christian counseling: just a good way to insure that all parties are on the same page before moving forward.

[Beth S. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't read much non-fiction, and really read NO self-help... so this was new territory for me. Overall, it was a healthy struggle. I definitely did not agree with everything this author had to say and found his tone downright disrespectful at times, but he challenged me in a good way. There was also a little more religion in his paradigm than I am absolutely comfortable with, but overall I would recommend this book to friends.

[Natalie Long · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book goes a long way toward clearing my mind of the cobwebs so the truths I know of God can be seen. It is very well written. Although it has the required partial-session examples they do not seem as trite as in other similar books. Thurman speaks to the reader with respect and grace verses a masked form of condiscension. I've found the book works well as a short, daily, encouraging and inspiring read. God speaks through Mr. Thurman.

[Taylor]

I am doing this with a book group. Very interesting to see what covert sabotage I wreak on my own life by acting on some propositions that I know in my head to be false. Fosters good discussion in our group but requires group to have a good base of trust and willingness to be vulnerable to really dive into topics the book raises.

[Debra · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are on a quest for a "sound mind," this will serve you well. I don't read many Christian books anymore, but if I were to recommend one or two, this would be at the top of my list. It delves into the many flaws in our thinking, the tapes we play over and over again, that need to be shut out of our minds.

[Sharon Reitzammer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes you do believe lies!

Perhaps you think you are clear-sighted and not easily deceived: then you need to read this book! If you would like to be more in control of your emotions & actions then with Dr. Thurman’s help you can learn how to correct your thinking. We live in a broken world but we can know The Creator who can heal us.

[Bogarty1 · Rating 4 out of 5]

i read this book with a group of friends. Lets just say it change my perspective and helped me understand my decision making processes in my day to day interactions with others. i would highly recommend if you are looking to take yourself to another level introspectively.

[Kurt Kirchhoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

It will absolutely shock your foundation as to what you may believe is truth but in reality a lie that we have begun to believe. Dr. Thurman does a great job of breaking down each lie and contrasting it to the biblical truth. I really enjoyed this book...it is a game changer.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a decent book. I learned a lot about things I believe and don't believe that are lies or truths in my life. I was a little irritated, though, how the author continued to make it all religious. I am a reigious person, but I don't believe that everything is completely related to religion.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good study of the lies we have been taught growing up versus Biblical Truth. This book had some great insights regarding the misconceptions people have going into marriage, which also accounts for why divorce rates are so high.

[Bob Flores · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pretty awesome read. It takes a different perspective on how to get down to root lies that affect us all. Probably the best thing about this book is the abcdef tool he outlines for personal use. Definitely a recommended read if your doing this type of work with people.

[Jeremiah Gumm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent counseling resource that deserves a place in the pastoral counselor's toolkit. Exercises are very helpful. Thurman does a pretty good job grasping that a believer is both sinner and saint. Great resource!

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need to read this one again!