Zen and the Art of Falling in Love

by Brenda Shoshanna

Perennially popular topics Zen and romance come together in this unique guide that reveals how to fall in love and stay that way.

We are meant to be in love. Love energizes our daily existence, heals the body and mind and makes every moment precious. So why aren't we in love all the time?

In Zen and the Art of Falling in Love , psychologist, relationship expert and Zen practitioner Brenda Shoshanna shows readers how to rejuvenate their romantic lives by combining a psychological understanding of relationships with the way of Zen practice. The lessons provided by such practices as Taking Your Shoes Off (Becoming Available), Sitting on the Cushion (Meeting Yourself), Cleaning House (Emptying Yourself) and Receiving the Stick (Dealing with Blows) can offer new insight into the common problems of miscommunication, lies, betrayal, jealousy, insecurity, loss, and disappointment. Using the lessons of Zen practice, you can open your life to love, fall in love—and stay in love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Spirituality, Zen, Self Help, Relationships, Buddhism, Psychology

272 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

I am a psychologist, speaker, author and long term Zen practitoner who is dedicated to integrating the teachings and practices of East and West, and showing how to make them real in our everyday lives.

My weekly podcast is Zen Wisdom For Your Everyday Life.

Zen Wisdom For Your Everyday Life
(www.zenwisdomtoday.com)

Reviews

[Ken · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book, not just about Love but can be applied to other aspects of Living as well.

To be read when one has some "living" experience i.e. those in their 30's, 40's and beyond....personally, i would not have understood 1/100th of what being said here if i had read it in my 20's.

The Dokusan mtg description made me feel like: the whole process is a bit "cult-ish", hhmmmm......have to look more into this. Anybody has any insights into Dokusan?

btw, just a general comment not directing at any specifics within the book, one cannot hide behind Zen ambiguity and take no responsibility for one's actions, expectations from the others are real and cannot be regarded as their monkey mind's thoughts.

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This passage resonates with me at a personal level:

- In every relationship there are problems that seem insoluble that cause feelings of confusion and helplessness on both sides. Each party struggles to convince one’s partner of the validity of one’s point of view and often the debate ends in deadlock. These problems may even turn into obsessions, causing individuals to re-enact the same confrontation endlessly, to no avail. Soon they exhaust themselves, and when this process has gone on for as long as they can bear, the relationship is over (being caught in this quagmire is a major cause of relationship ending.) Not until individuals know how to relate to their insoluble problems can their relationship really flourish and love have a chance to grow. (pg 184)

[Brenda Shoshanna]

This book was a joy to write and I keep learning whenever I re-read it as well...I learn that love is everywhere, always, just waiting for us all.

[Cheryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the wisdom comes from sitting in zazen (quiet hard core meditation), and finding peace and enlightenment about whatever was troubling you by letting if unfold naturally from your being. Again, practice that seems to help keep us alive; I am trying to restart my meditation practice. “Taking off your shoes” means to become available, and I guess I am still trying to learn that one! “Sitting on the cushion” means to meet yourself, and “doing nothing” means to relinquish control. I want to skip to the last chapter without doing the legwork (impatience…) which is “finding the ox” or meeting the beloved. “From the moment we are born we begin searching for the beloved. In the beginning, we find it in our mother’s arms. As we grow older, we turn to father, sister, brother, lovers. teachers, God….Some say that finding and losing are the rhythm of life, like day and night, winter and summer, joy and sorrow… we all find and lose the beloved many times in our lives. This is the Tao of life, the force that both brings and takes all things away.”

[Nils Emil Nylander · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sort of practical guide book on seeing the love in yourself and others. The correlation between finding your true self through meditation and being able to witness what is really going on within you and how it affects your view of the outside. Gave me a bunch of insights. Recommended!

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some useful quotes retrieved from my colourful book stickers

"Zen teaches us never to yied autonomy or authority for our lives to another person. Each of us contains the wisdom, strength and beauty to handle everything" (p. 144)

"Without forgiveness our lives become clogged, our health impaired and our ability to love restricted." (p. 154)

"By not rejecting or blaming your partner for how he is feeling, you are offering unconditional love." (p. 166)

"As we sit, without moving, through what might feel like unbearable pain, something amazing happens: the pain eventually vanishes, often transforming into pure joy" (p. 175)

"This is how we know we are in a loving relationship. We are blooming, and the one we love is blooming as well." (p. 199)

"Relying on another is an expression of attachment, not love; a manifestation of insecrity and suffering, not understanding the true nature of our lives" (p.221)


That said, there are many more quotes, but these are bookmarked for whatever reason I must have felt strongly for at the time.

I do adore this book; got it from the library, a tattered piece, and luckily for me, was available at the time of request. I think this book is way too short, especially the last chapter 'finding the ox'. I was reading that ad I spaced out, like, WTF? That chapter was like an abrupt ending that makes little sense. You just can't summarise Zen.

I think that this is the type of book that needs to be read again and again at various parts or levels of life. For me, Zen has not been unlocked by epiphany. The words were a little too deep to be read on the surface. I need to either re read this or borrow other Zenific books.

But, I have to thank the author for writing in such a heartfelt way. Reminds me of why I always like psychologists-turn-writers.

[Carrie Yerves hope · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book boasts a wealth of wisdom on the topic of love. What I appreciate about it is that it does not differentiate or categorize 'types' of love as we tend to do. Love is just that.... simply love. In learning to love all things, beings, and finding gratitude in everything, this book is a practical demonstration in how to fall deeply in love with oneself, hence attracting love back and showering it onto the world. Beautiful read

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

if everyone read this book and actually tried to follow its guidelines, we would all be so much fucking happier and relaxed.
this book is awesome. i am buying a copy because it's the kind of book you have to read and re-read when times get rough to remind yourself of how to be. in fact, i am going to buy 2 copies, maybe more, so i can give one away. it is really that lovely.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book in an old red telephone box in London turned into a free community library and I guess the universe must have wanted me to have it as it became one of the most important books in my life so far and an incredible source of peace.

It changes you from the inside out by making you try out what you learn through meditation - in fact, it guides you through the stages and principles of zen meditation such as:
1. Taking your shoes off (becoming free)
2. Sitting down (meeting yourself)
3. Doing nothing (letting go)
4. Kinhin (going)
5. Tidying (emptying)
6. Being the door keeper (being there for others)
7. Cooking (nourishing self and others)
8. Beating (dealing with blows)
9. Sesshin (perseverance)
10. Koan (problem solving)
11. Dokusan (fast decisions in face of drama)
12. Breathing (oneness)
13. Finding the ox (meeting the beloved)

Written in a simple way, perhaps reading it in German helped me read it with the slowness it required. I'll be re-reading it for sure.

"Wir fragen nie nach dem Sinn des Lebens, wenn wir verliebt sind." Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

[Jennifer Gnerlich · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was given this book back in 2006 as a gift and not sure what to expect, but I felt that this was a right time to read it. While the book is well-written and flows fairly well, it is just not for me. I had no idea that there would be so much discussion of the actual Zen process and that is something that I have yet to embrace in my life. That being said, I do think this would be a good book for those practicing or wanting to practice meditation to have a deeper sense of self awareness. I thought there would be more discussion on relationship aspects and issues, but that was only touched on superficially. I did not really get into the book until Part 3 (Advanced Training) at page 159. While I found some inspirational statements, this book will not help me with my relationships - personal/intimate, family, or work. Also, I was frustrated by a few typos of words in particular places.

[Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just found this book on my shelf -- had read it years ago when it came out. I re-read it these last weeks and am appreciative of its subtle and deep truths as it weaves together the beauty and simplicity of zen teachings and the desire to create or maintain a loving relationship. I enthusiastically recommend this book.

[Talie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a book about falling in love with someone - it's about that feeling you get when you fall in love with someone. You see the beauty of everything around you. It's a feeling that is very in the moment and something this book aspires you to have all the time.

I recommend this book to anyone sad from a breakup or lonely or in a relationship.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book that will help you learn to give and receive love in a real and healthy way, project love into the universe, and learn to truly love yourself. Must-read for anyone whose life isn't perfect.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. The information is nicely broken up with case studies and perfect examples of how to incorporate zen principles into your search for love. The principles don't just have to apply to romantic relationships but can also be used for friendships or even professional relationships.

[Rosa Timmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dit boek heeft mij door best een zware tijd heen geholpen. Ik had enorm liefdesverdriet en na dit boek kon ik het gebeuren veel beter accepteren. Life changer! Helder, praktisch, mooi. Aanrader tot en met, of je nou verliefd bent, een gebroken hart hebt of verliefd wil worden.

[Luce · Rating 5 out of 5]

best book I ever read. changed my life. made me life love more.

[Whitney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much, it made you think and feel differently

[dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

the zen buddhist approach to life and relationships. should be read by every person contemplating a relationship.

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I want to read it every night for the rest of my life. I feel like every time I read it I would notice something new.

[Brooke Zielinski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic, it's more than the cover. Helps you discover how to love life completely- the good and the bad.

[Mary McCray · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. It redirected my intentions when I met people...and allowed me to get beyond what was bringing all the wrong people into my life.

[Tyler Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good read for anyone in a relationship, or anyone hoping to be in a relationship.

[Sabra Wrice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening.

[Rahele Tavana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Strongly recommend
Ded...

[Nina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read it as I spent a weekend alone at my log cabin in Oppdal. It went straight to my heart! A wonderful book.

[Jaana Vähä-Antila-Nieminen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first got and read this book July 2003. It is one of the best books I have read. This book I will take with me. I have the one I bought 2003, have bought some as presents. To this book I will not say thank you and goodbye as I say to most of the books I have read, even the very best ones. This book is so brilliant, it keeps me wondering. It has the same quality of brilliance as do many of the books of Thich Nhat Hanh. Of course, no one can measure up to Thich Nhat Hanh.

[Ikhlash Firdaus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, an explanation about love that actually makes sense. Brenda Shosana tackled some serious misunderstanding about love. She explained the nature of love comprehensively. Though, I still don't understand the part about attachment being an counterfeit coin to love. Isn't that being in love means connecting the love in oneself to the love in another person? Isn't that called attachment?

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really would give it 4.5 stars. If you're open to living a Zen life, this book is a great introduction. You will learn about self-love and loving all that surrounds you. An easy read with a lot of depth.

[Darren Whitehurst · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very accessible book that introduces Zen in a easy going and easy to connect to manner.

Endless postiveness and boundless optimism are the Main feelings after reading this book , I warmly recomend this book to anyone who wants to understand themselves and others better.

[Ana Vicente · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marquei tantas páginas deste livro que quase parece que foram todas. Está cheio de sabedoria budista/meditativa e dá luz a muitas inquietações que habitualmente temos nos relacionamentos.
Para reler com papel e caneta ao lado.

[Lightwhisper · Rating 3 out of 5]

Não gostei muito da escrita nem dos exemplos heterossexuais. Mas pode ser útil por conselhos e perguntas que colocam ao leitor@.