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How We Change
The Coronavirus pandemic has revealed a very big secret we’ve been keeping from ourselves and each We can be remarkably agile in the face of change.
How is it that we are able to so radically and rapidly change our daily behavior in order to follow the social distancing and stay-at-home policies during the pandemic, and yet--pandemic or not--we typically find it difficult, if not impossible, to reach smaller personal goals like dieting, getting organized or changing destructive habits?
The pandemic is life-threatening, so it ignites our survival instincts, activating that part of our brains charged with speedily and efficiently getting us to safety. But cholesterol, alcohol, and physical passivity are all life-threatening, and many of us humans have done a lousy job changing in regard to these issues, even when we have reliable information that they are killing us. Why do we struggle to change what would so obviously help ourselves individually?
Ross Ellenhorn’s book, How we Change (and the Ten Reasons Why We Don’t) gives a fascinating answer. A clinician and thought leader in the mental health and addiction fields, he suggests that we’re often looking in the wrong direction when we try to decipher the factors that support human change. He suggests that it’s much more fruitful to look at why we don’t change, than figure out why we do. By looking at the reasons we don’t change, we give ourselves the best chance of actually changing in meaningful ways.
Ellenhorn explains how we are wired to double down on the familiar because of what he calls the "Fear of Hope" - the act of protecting ourselves from further disappointment—and identifies the “10 Reasons Not to Change” to help us see why we behave the way we do when we are faced with the challenge of hope. Among them
· To change means raising your expectations and thus risking that you’ll disappoint yourself.
· Once you change, you are more accountable to make other changes than if you stayed the same
· When you change, your future become much less predictable.
· Change means destroying psychological monuments you’ve built to commemorate past injuries
· Every time you change, you raise the possibility of losing or disrupting your relationship with certain people
By addressing this little known reality of fear of hope, and how it influences the 10 Reasons Not to Change, Ellenhorn actually gives us hope, helping us to work toward the change we seek. Ellenhorn speaks to the core of our insecurities and fears about ourselves, with a humor and kindness. By turning our judgments about self-destructive behaviors into curious questions about them, he teaches us to think about our actions to discover what we truly want - even if we’re going about getting it in the wrong way.
How We Change is a brilliant approach that will forever alter our perspective - and help us achieve the transformation we truly seek.
How is it that we are able to so radically and rapidly change our daily behavior in order to follow the social distancing and stay-at-home policies during the pandemic, and yet--pandemic or not--we typically find it difficult, if not impossible, to reach smaller personal goals like dieting, getting organized or changing destructive habits?
The pandemic is life-threatening, so it ignites our survival instincts, activating that part of our brains charged with speedily and efficiently getting us to safety. But cholesterol, alcohol, and physical passivity are all life-threatening, and many of us humans have done a lousy job changing in regard to these issues, even when we have reliable information that they are killing us. Why do we struggle to change what would so obviously help ourselves individually?
Ross Ellenhorn’s book, How we Change (and the Ten Reasons Why We Don’t) gives a fascinating answer. A clinician and thought leader in the mental health and addiction fields, he suggests that we’re often looking in the wrong direction when we try to decipher the factors that support human change. He suggests that it’s much more fruitful to look at why we don’t change, than figure out why we do. By looking at the reasons we don’t change, we give ourselves the best chance of actually changing in meaningful ways.
Ellenhorn explains how we are wired to double down on the familiar because of what he calls the "Fear of Hope" - the act of protecting ourselves from further disappointment—and identifies the “10 Reasons Not to Change” to help us see why we behave the way we do when we are faced with the challenge of hope. Among them
· To change means raising your expectations and thus risking that you’ll disappoint yourself.
· Once you change, you are more accountable to make other changes than if you stayed the same
· When you change, your future become much less predictable.
· Change means destroying psychological monuments you’ve built to commemorate past injuries
· Every time you change, you raise the possibility of losing or disrupting your relationship with certain people
By addressing this little known reality of fear of hope, and how it influences the 10 Reasons Not to Change, Ellenhorn actually gives us hope, helping us to work toward the change we seek. Ellenhorn speaks to the core of our insecurities and fears about ourselves, with a humor and kindness. By turning our judgments about self-destructive behaviors into curious questions about them, he teaches us to think about our actions to discover what we truly want - even if we’re going about getting it in the wrong way.
How We Change is a brilliant approach that will forever alter our perspective - and help us achieve the transformation we truly seek.
391 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 19, 2020
255 people are currently reading
1379 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
February 6, 2022
This was a most remarkable book. I’ve listened to it five times. I will be listening to it again and again. Based on this I’m going to re-write my review.
At the time he wrote this book Dr. Ellenhorn had spent 30 years as a social psychologist working with people who are basically “career” therapy patients. People facing some of the toughest addictions. Many with multiple suicide attempts. At one point in the early phases of his career he wondered why these people wouldn’t change…when changing would clearly lead to significant improvement in their lives. This book is the result of what he learned in pursuit of this question. The answers can be applied to all kinds of changes you might want to make in your life…or help you understand why you might not want to change right now.
I loved learning things like each of us know, intuitively, that we have agency…and as a result we each hold ourselves accountable to make a meaning life with the short time we have before we die. I loved learning about the intricate details of hope, how it comes about, how it is the main driving force for change in our lives, but also the main path to despair as well. I loved learning about faith, or self efficacy, and its interactions with hope. I loved learning about various responses we have when, in pursuit of the things we hope for, we fail to get them. How our faith can get damaged, and how we can develop a fear of hope. Seeing how these things worked in the lives of the case studies Ellenhorn relates has been fascinating for me.
I loved learning that when we try and try to change, and fail to do so, we are really choosing to stay the same…even though we rarely, if ever, realize this is actually a proactive choice on our part. After all, we are agents, with power to choose. If we want to change and don’t…then why do we not change? Surely it’s not news to anyone that the overwhelming majority of attempts to change end in failure. Over 90% of New Years resolutions go by the wayside. Over 80% of dieters fail to lose weight…most actually end up gaining weight.
This is the key point of this book. It’s not enough to just look at how we change. Since staying the same is the norm might we not profit by taking a good hard look at why we don’t change?
I loved learning that the forces at work to keep us the same come from the “self love” part of ourselves. What a surprise! Like an overprotective parent whose actions are well intentioned but can have catastrophic results, we all have a part of ourselves that wants to keep us safe. It’s an important part of ourselves that we can’t live without…but this part of ourselves can also put us on counter productive, and even harmful paths.
This “drive to sameness” has its own logic. Ellenhorn argues, based on his clinical experiences with many clients that facing this part of ourselves and coming to understand it can significantly reduce the forces at work that keep us the same and increase the forces that drive us, and encourage us, to make the changes we want to make. He says change is never easy…but by understanding your complete self you can make it much easier. I love this!
At the time he wrote this book Dr. Ellenhorn had spent 30 years as a social psychologist working with people who are basically “career” therapy patients. People facing some of the toughest addictions. Many with multiple suicide attempts. At one point in the early phases of his career he wondered why these people wouldn’t change…when changing would clearly lead to significant improvement in their lives. This book is the result of what he learned in pursuit of this question. The answers can be applied to all kinds of changes you might want to make in your life…or help you understand why you might not want to change right now.
I loved learning things like each of us know, intuitively, that we have agency…and as a result we each hold ourselves accountable to make a meaning life with the short time we have before we die. I loved learning about the intricate details of hope, how it comes about, how it is the main driving force for change in our lives, but also the main path to despair as well. I loved learning about faith, or self efficacy, and its interactions with hope. I loved learning about various responses we have when, in pursuit of the things we hope for, we fail to get them. How our faith can get damaged, and how we can develop a fear of hope. Seeing how these things worked in the lives of the case studies Ellenhorn relates has been fascinating for me.
I loved learning that when we try and try to change, and fail to do so, we are really choosing to stay the same…even though we rarely, if ever, realize this is actually a proactive choice on our part. After all, we are agents, with power to choose. If we want to change and don’t…then why do we not change? Surely it’s not news to anyone that the overwhelming majority of attempts to change end in failure. Over 90% of New Years resolutions go by the wayside. Over 80% of dieters fail to lose weight…most actually end up gaining weight.
This is the key point of this book. It’s not enough to just look at how we change. Since staying the same is the norm might we not profit by taking a good hard look at why we don’t change?
I loved learning that the forces at work to keep us the same come from the “self love” part of ourselves. What a surprise! Like an overprotective parent whose actions are well intentioned but can have catastrophic results, we all have a part of ourselves that wants to keep us safe. It’s an important part of ourselves that we can’t live without…but this part of ourselves can also put us on counter productive, and even harmful paths.
This “drive to sameness” has its own logic. Ellenhorn argues, based on his clinical experiences with many clients that facing this part of ourselves and coming to understand it can significantly reduce the forces at work that keep us the same and increase the forces that drive us, and encourage us, to make the changes we want to make. He says change is never easy…but by understanding your complete self you can make it much easier. I love this!
September 22, 2021
Enjoyed the first half a lot more than the second. Still glad I read it, and it gave me a lot to chew on! While this book eschews narrative for the most part, there was a really compelling and resonant story about a woman named Mary. Mary was someone who seemed poised for greatness at a young age until a series of unfortunate events derailed her life. Wallowing in self-pity and misery, Mary had lost and abandoned just about everything that gave her a reason to wake up and get out of bed every morning. After repeated hospitalizations following failed suicide attempts, Mary eventually found her way along a path to redemption—she had to rediscover agency and overcome her fear of hope. Ross Ellenhorn does a wonderful job carrying us through Mary’s journey, showing us how she eventually found intimate friendships, passionate love, and a fulfilling professional life. The way he mixes compassion and admiration for Mary’s dormant wit and vitality even at her worst moments was very moving, and her story is very inspiring to me!!
April 6, 2024
not horrible, but not the best. i would say it became very tedious towards the end. had some interesting stories that made it enjoyable.
August 29, 2024
“You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you.”
Damn, never thought I’d say a white man self-help book would relate to me but it did… maybe a little too much. Definitely helped me reframe a lot of negative thinking patterns and processes I have. I truly enjoyed this read.
Damn, never thought I’d say a white man self-help book would relate to me but it did… maybe a little too much. Definitely helped me reframe a lot of negative thinking patterns and processes I have. I truly enjoyed this read.
January 18, 2021
Has some fairly good points but way too long and its positions lack definition; probably both results of the author's striving to avoid coming across like a standard self-helper with a snappy n-point guide to transforming your life. Which is fair enough but I wonder who will feel motivated to sit with the whole "on the one hand... but then again..." approach, fleshed out as it is with the usual stories from life that outstay their welcomes. I don't know. Good luck to Ross and his readers.
December 29, 2020
Was a very insightful book for those who want to dive deep into reasons why the obvious "how" to change instructions work. Interesting concepts such as fear of hope are presented and explained. May seem basic, but the deconstruction works. The reasons why we don't change are insightful. Its like taking abunch of rules about change that we know and analyzing it from different perspectives.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 1, 2021
This read helps challenge the norm and explore concepts of change versus sameness. Ross deeply elaborates on the importance of embracing both sides of a dichotomy. The concepts are proven by human behavior, more specifically social habits but it is presented in such a digestible manner for the reader.
December 31, 2022
Ellenhorn is clearly steeped in existential psychotherapy and makes heavy weather of what is a pretty simple concept- there are pros to staying the same. Understanding what makes change hard for us and what is appealing about not changing in any given circumstance supports us in finding ways to make sustainable life changes.
November 11, 2022
5⭐️
Despite reading and following many great books on the science of change (eg Atomic Habits, Power Of Habit, The Willpower Instinct etc.) I often found myself unable to sustain the wonderful changes I made. It further damaged my self esteem that not only did I fail, I couldn’t quite explain to myself why.
As I was reading this I realized I had had suspicions of what the problems may be that were dead on. At those times, I dismissed them at their inception because I was convinced the “science of change” was there and in its entirety in those many books like the ones I listed above. Because surely one of those books would have touched on my suspicions if they were valid. Yet all of them had basically the same information. That must be it and whatever is wrong with me is just that; wrong with *me*.
Then this book came along and I could burst into tears easily if I began explaining how seen and validated I felt. There’s not one sentence or idea in this book that doesn’t exactly describe my experience. It does contradict those aforementioned books, it completes them.
Reading this was humbling and hopeful, and got me exactly where I needed to be.
This book is about the deeper PSYCHOLOGY of change, and not the mechanics.
Despite reading and following many great books on the science of change (eg Atomic Habits, Power Of Habit, The Willpower Instinct etc.) I often found myself unable to sustain the wonderful changes I made. It further damaged my self esteem that not only did I fail, I couldn’t quite explain to myself why.
As I was reading this I realized I had had suspicions of what the problems may be that were dead on. At those times, I dismissed them at their inception because I was convinced the “science of change” was there and in its entirety in those many books like the ones I listed above. Because surely one of those books would have touched on my suspicions if they were valid. Yet all of them had basically the same information. That must be it and whatever is wrong with me is just that; wrong with *me*.
Then this book came along and I could burst into tears easily if I began explaining how seen and validated I felt. There’s not one sentence or idea in this book that doesn’t exactly describe my experience. It does contradict those aforementioned books, it completes them.
Reading this was humbling and hopeful, and got me exactly where I needed to be.
This book is about the deeper PSYCHOLOGY of change, and not the mechanics.
February 10, 2021
I got the audible book. It is exactly the book I need at this moment. The author was able to explain the layers of our thoughts that prevent us to change, and why people feel stuck in their life. He talked about the thoughts mechanism in a non-offensive way that made me feel secure to open to these concepts.
Since he had a lot of experience as a counselor, he was able to use the example of his patients to demonstrate each type of resistances in the book, and how his patients eventually got out of the “stuck” state of mind. It’s educational while very encouraging.
I can say for someone who doesn’t have the same concern, the book may feels lengthy. But for me it’s a wonderful book, simple and helpful, I learn something new in each chapter. And now I have a better understanding of myself.
Since he had a lot of experience as a counselor, he was able to use the example of his patients to demonstrate each type of resistances in the book, and how his patients eventually got out of the “stuck” state of mind. It’s educational while very encouraging.
I can say for someone who doesn’t have the same concern, the book may feels lengthy. But for me it’s a wonderful book, simple and helpful, I learn something new in each chapter. And now I have a better understanding of myself.
November 17, 2020
It's just not particularly valuable. A few spouts of pop-psych and anecdotes that aren't particularly convincing and certainly not revolutionary.
Maybe useful as a pick-me-up speech (audiobook of course) that you're not inherently bad and your behavior is motivated by many factors that you should investigate.
Maybe useful as a pick-me-up speech (audiobook of course) that you're not inherently bad and your behavior is motivated by many factors that you should investigate.
August 31, 2021
Long and Boring
I thought the book was going to be about change. It was more about not changing. By deciding to not change apparently gives you the power to change. 366 pages of tedious and boring stories about his clients, and that was all I got out of the book.
I thought the book was going to be about change. It was more about not changing. By deciding to not change apparently gives you the power to change. 366 pages of tedious and boring stories about his clients, and that was all I got out of the book.
October 13, 2021
It was very dry and uninteresting.
June 10, 2024
كيف نتغير من أهم الكتب في التنميه البشريه يجب قراءته وملخصه موجود في الكتب المسموعه.
لم تعجبني قصة الشخص الذي كان يود الاقلاع عن التدخين وكان يضع صوره ويكتب عليها انه أحمق فهذا تحقير للنفس وامر مرفوض حتي نتغير.
من وجهة نظري من يريد ان يتغير سيتغير ان اراد التغير
الكثير منا يفقد الحافز للتغير وكما قال الكتاب لامور ترتبط في الماضي او الاحباط فيري نفسه ان السنين تتحرك بسرعة البرق وهو واقف امام نفسه لا يتحرك والكل من حوله يتحركون ويمكن ان ينجزون افضل منه وفي الحقيقه هو احسن منهم لكن الدافع غير موجود والثقه بالنفس انعدمت والامل في الحياة تبدد...
في الكتاب يدقق علي مفهوم الأمل ان الانسان يجب ان يكون عنده امل لكي يصيل لما يود ان يصل اليه وكان من ضمن الامثله فقدان الوزن وفعلا فقدان الوزن هي رغبه نفسيه لا تخضع الي تحفيز انا اود انقاص وزني سينزل ان كانت هناك الرغبه وان لم تكن موجوده الجسم يتشبص بالوزن الزأئد ويدلله...
في احد الكتب التي مرت علي ان الانسان اذا كان يود ان يكون مرتاح يجب ان يتخلص من الأمل لان الامل يكون احيانا مصدر قلل وحزن واتفق في فتره زمنيه من الحياة يجب ان نتخلي عن الأمل وننزل الي ارض الواقع لكن هناك جوانب أخري يجب التثبت بالامل ولا يجب ان نتنازل عنها وهي الأمل في رحمة الله علينا الامل الوحيد الذي يجب ان لا ينضب او نشك فيه...
ممكن ان نفقد الامل في اشخاص او اشياء هي ليست من نصيب حياتنا لكن لانفقد الامل في رحمة الله..
من الكتب الجميله ذات محتوي هادف ويلمس احتياج الجميع لمثل هذا النوع من الكتب الهادفه...
من الأشياء الي عجبتني في الكتاب ان نعمل علي تجئة الهدف الي سلسله ذات وصلات قصيره اي نطبق مفهوم قليل دائما خير من كثير منقطع.
اي التخفيف في البدايه وعدم الانقطاع بسبب الملل علي سبيل المثال ان نود ان ننقص الوزن فنبدأ بالتنقيص التدريجي ارقام بسيطه لعب رياضه خفيفه نفس الأكل بكميات أقل الي ان يتعود الجسم او اي شي نود ان نقلعه او نستمر فيه اهم شي الاستمرار ولو لفترات قليله مثال اود ان العب رياضه ليس بالمهم ان العب علي سبيل مثال ساعه يوميا ولكن لا انقطع لو ربع ساعه باليوم اهم شي عدم الانقطاع وحتي الاكل ان مثلا تغديت بكميات كبيره علي الغداء امتنع بالعشاء وكمل الحميه الغذائيه في اليوم التاليه لن يضر لانه ليس كتاب مقدس.
وكذلك الاستسلام ولا يقصد ان يترك الشخص نفسه علي ذاته لكن خلاص هذا الواقع وعلي الرويه نعمل علي التغير.
ولا نسمح لاي جهه خارجيه ان تساهم في هذا الشي اذا لم تكن هناك رغبه داخليه.
وضرب الكتاب مثل ان الاشخاص الذين يودون الاقلاع عن شي من ذاتهم يكونون اقوي من الاشخاص الذين يذهبون لمراكز الاقلاع... يعني الملخص رغبه داخليه...
الكتاب حلو اقروه
لم تعجبني قصة الشخص الذي كان يود الاقلاع عن التدخين وكان يضع صوره ويكتب عليها انه أحمق فهذا تحقير للنفس وامر مرفوض حتي نتغير.
من وجهة نظري من يريد ان يتغير سيتغير ان اراد التغير
الكثير منا يفقد الحافز للتغير وكما قال الكتاب لامور ترتبط في الماضي او الاحباط فيري نفسه ان السنين تتحرك بسرعة البرق وهو واقف امام نفسه لا يتحرك والكل من حوله يتحركون ويمكن ان ينجزون افضل منه وفي الحقيقه هو احسن منهم لكن الدافع غير موجود والثقه بالنفس انعدمت والامل في الحياة تبدد...
في الكتاب يدقق علي مفهوم الأمل ان الانسان يجب ان يكون عنده امل لكي يصيل لما يود ان يصل اليه وكان من ضمن الامثله فقدان الوزن وفعلا فقدان الوزن هي رغبه نفسيه لا تخضع الي تحفيز انا اود انقاص وزني سينزل ان كانت هناك الرغبه وان لم تكن موجوده الجسم يتشبص بالوزن الزأئد ويدلله...
في احد الكتب التي مرت علي ان الانسان اذا كان يود ان يكون مرتاح يجب ان يتخلص من الأمل لان الامل يكون احيانا مصدر قلل وحزن واتفق في فتره زمنيه من الحياة يجب ان نتخلي عن الأمل وننزل الي ارض الواقع لكن هناك جوانب أخري يجب التثبت بالامل ولا يجب ان نتنازل عنها وهي الأمل في رحمة الله علينا الامل الوحيد الذي يجب ان لا ينضب او نشك فيه...
ممكن ان نفقد الامل في اشخاص او اشياء هي ليست من نصيب حياتنا لكن لانفقد الامل في رحمة الله..
من الكتب الجميله ذات محتوي هادف ويلمس احتياج الجميع لمثل هذا النوع من الكتب الهادفه...
من الأشياء الي عجبتني في الكتاب ان نعمل علي تجئة الهدف الي سلسله ذات وصلات قصيره اي نطبق مفهوم قليل دائما خير من كثير منقطع.
اي التخفيف في البدايه وعدم الانقطاع بسبب الملل علي سبيل المثال ان نود ان ننقص الوزن فنبدأ بالتنقيص التدريجي ارقام بسيطه لعب رياضه خفيفه نفس الأكل بكميات أقل الي ان يتعود الجسم او اي شي نود ان نقلعه او نستمر فيه اهم شي الاستمرار ولو لفترات قليله مثال اود ان العب رياضه ليس بالمهم ان العب علي سبيل مثال ساعه يوميا ولكن لا انقطع لو ربع ساعه باليوم اهم شي عدم الانقطاع وحتي الاكل ان مثلا تغديت بكميات كبيره علي الغداء امتنع بالعشاء وكمل الحميه الغذائيه في اليوم التاليه لن يضر لانه ليس كتاب مقدس.
وكذلك الاستسلام ولا يقصد ان يترك الشخص نفسه علي ذاته لكن خلاص هذا الواقع وعلي الرويه نعمل علي التغير.
ولا نسمح لاي جهه خارجيه ان تساهم في هذا الشي اذا لم تكن هناك رغبه داخليه.
وضرب الكتاب مثل ان الاشخاص الذين يودون الاقلاع عن شي من ذاتهم يكونون اقوي من الاشخاص الذين يذهبون لمراكز الاقلاع... يعني الملخص رغبه داخليه...
الكتاب حلو اقروه
April 14, 2025
Big, Profound Ideas Half Delivered
This book shook me to my core at times. The core premise about what it means to change and why we stay the same is at the heart of most of what most of us struggle with on a daily basis.
The introductory section does a good job of painting the picture that many of us see when we look at ourselves through the lens of identity, personal history, and the various forces in our lives that support, thwart, and confound our efforts to do something we want differently — or to become a different (better?) person.
I agree with some of the other reviewers that the book seems to suffer from an imbalance between the two halves. The first half had me captivated and anchored to the different perspectives, theories, and ways in which we experience change through the model of therapy that Agin practices and describes. It was straightforward and clear.
The second half drew mostly on anecdotes and stories of the author and clients to illustrate some of the many ways in which we stay the same. I didn’t find this as engaging although some might. It felt that the cases were often long, sometimes a little convoluted, and not always great representations of the key ideas. This led me to question whether the 10 ways we stay the same might be better off as 6 or 7 (and whether 10 was a convenient short-hand explanation).
I suspect that this book would be better as an audio book. I imagine that many of the anecdotes that I didn’t particularly care for would come across better when listened to. So if you’re looking to get this, you might want to consider the audio option (I read it on a Kindle).
Despite the reservations, the ideas in this book may make you rethink and think about a lot — and that might help you make the changes you want in your life.
This book shook me to my core at times. The core premise about what it means to change and why we stay the same is at the heart of most of what most of us struggle with on a daily basis.
The introductory section does a good job of painting the picture that many of us see when we look at ourselves through the lens of identity, personal history, and the various forces in our lives that support, thwart, and confound our efforts to do something we want differently — or to become a different (better?) person.
I agree with some of the other reviewers that the book seems to suffer from an imbalance between the two halves. The first half had me captivated and anchored to the different perspectives, theories, and ways in which we experience change through the model of therapy that Agin practices and describes. It was straightforward and clear.
The second half drew mostly on anecdotes and stories of the author and clients to illustrate some of the many ways in which we stay the same. I didn’t find this as engaging although some might. It felt that the cases were often long, sometimes a little convoluted, and not always great representations of the key ideas. This led me to question whether the 10 ways we stay the same might be better off as 6 or 7 (and whether 10 was a convenient short-hand explanation).
I suspect that this book would be better as an audio book. I imagine that many of the anecdotes that I didn’t particularly care for would come across better when listened to. So if you’re looking to get this, you might want to consider the audio option (I read it on a Kindle).
Despite the reservations, the ideas in this book may make you rethink and think about a lot — and that might help you make the changes you want in your life.
December 7, 2023
An important read who has gone through the ebb and flow of making a lasting change in their choices. If you have ever been in the throws of wanting to grow and thought to yourself: « they were right, growth is not linear » and want to understand the seesaw effect, I recommend reading this book multiple times. The central thesis is failing to change is in fact making an active choice to stay the same, and therefore it’s not failing at all. Both are survival strategies and understanding the evolutionary forces that compel you to pick one over the other can help change the forcefield. There are also incredibly useful scenarios demonstrating each force.
May 12, 2023
I really enjoyed this book. Most books on the topic of behavior change lack practical application or do not address the reality of obstacles to change. Ellenhorn's idea is that we want to change ourselves in the hope that we can make things better. This hope induces fear because if we fail to achieve change, we end up disappointed. The "fear of hope" prevents us from starting the change process and gives us an excuse to never change in the first place. This clear-eyed perspective is helpful for those self-reflecting on how to make positive changes in their lives.
June 11, 2023
A little repetitive but I suppose there's that old adage about having to repeat things x number of times before it is heard or learned or something along those lines, so maybe that's part of the point. I could definitely read through this and see where I fit in some of these "reasons we don't change" as well as some of my other friends that are struggling. Did it change my life? Nope. It was well written and thought provoking, so that earns it 4 stars.
November 9, 2023
The book's title caught my attention while I was checking out a bookstore near Yale's art gallery. I started this year with the goal of working towards my confidence and establishing better relationship with myself and others, but there are definitely times when working on such personal changes is not easy and you tend to start losing motivation.
The book doesn't give you a stupid list of things to do so you can achieve anything you want to but rather its gives you 10 reason as to why personal change is so difficult and why most of us fall back to our negative habits. I definitely have more insights into my habit of not being able to follow up with things I set out for
The book doesn't give you a stupid list of things to do so you can achieve anything you want to but rather its gives you 10 reason as to why personal change is so difficult and why most of us fall back to our negative habits. I definitely have more insights into my habit of not being able to follow up with things I set out for
January 31, 2024
4.5, didn’t expect to enjoy and appreciate this so much. Great balance of reflection contemplation and external consideration, compassion and social context, relationship and network driven considerations balanced with taking personal responsibility. Reflect deeply and take intentional action.
June 16, 2024
While this book has stale moments and can be tone deaf, it met me at the perfect time and was honestly five stars for me considering how timely its guidance has been for my life. One of those books that changed my course. I will be back for a re-read.
January 3, 2021
Highly recommend if you are looking to make some changes in your life.
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February 4, 2021Interesting. Seemed to be saying the same thing in the middle of the book. Loved the conclusion.
June 11, 2021
So good!
December 15, 2021
Loved it, best book in this category I’ve ever read, would prefer a revised version that has less diet culture examples though
January 21, 2022
Too long-winded.
May 29, 2022
300 pages to say if we want change too bad it is not attainable. To be able to change you have to be ok with sameness. You may not be able to change... Nice/thanks.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 6, 2023
Found a snippet on medium, really liked it and found the whole book. Good parts but I found some parts boring to get through.
February 10, 2024
Read about 1/3. Did not hold my interest or have anything useful for me personally.
October 27, 2024
The content was interesting, but it seemed to be dragged on for longer periods than necessary, especially in the second half.
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