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Faith Under Fire: An Army Chaplain's Memoir
“Running away from God doesn’t work. I had tried.”
—Roger Benimoff
As he left for his second tour of duty as an Army chaplain in Iraq, Roger Benimoff noted in his I am excited and I am scared. I am on fire for God...He is my hope, strength, and focus.
But not long after returning to Iraq, the burdens of his job–the memorial services for soldiers killed in action, the therapy sessions after contact with the enemy, the perilous excursions “outside the wire” while under enemy fire–began to overwhelm him. Amid the dust, heat, and blood of Iraq, Benimoff felt the pillar of strength he’d always relied on to hold him up–his faith in God–begin to crumble.
Unable to make sense of the senseless, Benimoff turned to his journal. What did it mean to believe in a God who would allow the utter horror and injustice of war? Did He want these brave young men and women to die? In his darkest moment, Benimoff Why am I so angry? I do not want anything to do with God. I am sick of religion. It is a crutch for the weak.
Benimoff’s spiritual crisis heightened upon his return home to Fort Carson, Colorado. He withdrew emotionally from wife and sons, creating tensions that threatened to shatter the family. He was assigned to work at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, where he counseled returning soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder–until he was diagnosed himself with PTSD.
Finding himself in the role of patient rather than caregiver, connecting as an equal with his fellow sufferers, and revisiting scriptural readings that once again rang with meaning and truth, he began his most decisive for the love of his family and for the chance to once again open his heart to the healing grace of God.
Intimate and powerful, drawing on Benimoff’s and his wife’s journals, Faith Under Fire chronicles a spiritual struggle through war, loss, and the hard process of learning to believe again.
—Roger Benimoff
As he left for his second tour of duty as an Army chaplain in Iraq, Roger Benimoff noted in his I am excited and I am scared. I am on fire for God...He is my hope, strength, and focus.
But not long after returning to Iraq, the burdens of his job–the memorial services for soldiers killed in action, the therapy sessions after contact with the enemy, the perilous excursions “outside the wire” while under enemy fire–began to overwhelm him. Amid the dust, heat, and blood of Iraq, Benimoff felt the pillar of strength he’d always relied on to hold him up–his faith in God–begin to crumble.
Unable to make sense of the senseless, Benimoff turned to his journal. What did it mean to believe in a God who would allow the utter horror and injustice of war? Did He want these brave young men and women to die? In his darkest moment, Benimoff Why am I so angry? I do not want anything to do with God. I am sick of religion. It is a crutch for the weak.
Benimoff’s spiritual crisis heightened upon his return home to Fort Carson, Colorado. He withdrew emotionally from wife and sons, creating tensions that threatened to shatter the family. He was assigned to work at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, where he counseled returning soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder–until he was diagnosed himself with PTSD.
Finding himself in the role of patient rather than caregiver, connecting as an equal with his fellow sufferers, and revisiting scriptural readings that once again rang with meaning and truth, he began his most decisive for the love of his family and for the chance to once again open his heart to the healing grace of God.
Intimate and powerful, drawing on Benimoff’s and his wife’s journals, Faith Under Fire chronicles a spiritual struggle through war, loss, and the hard process of learning to believe again.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published March 24, 2009
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148 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
August 14, 2016
In Faith Under Fire, Roger Benimoff gives readers an honest insider's view of how post-traumatic stress can sneak up on a soldier and set up camp in his spirit, uninvited and unwelcome. Just reading his account of his time in Iraq, and his debriefings and counseling sessions with eyewitnesses to violent deaths, I could totally understand how he developed combat trauma. He doesn't sugar-coat what happened, what he was thinking or what happened with his family. People who are uncomfortable with ambiguities and gray areas may not be comfortable with Faith Under Fire, but I believe this book is an important read for anyone who wants to understand an untold number of veterans living in our midsts today.
February 5, 2015
I've been looking at this book on the shelf for a while intending to read it. With Veterans Day, it seemed like a good excuse to pick it up. The chapters are interspersed with Benimoff's journal entries (or those of his wife) that set the tone.
Divided into two sections, Iraq and Home, you do get a sense of the attitude differences. As Benimoff talks about Iraq, it's cut and dried; I went here, I did this, I saw this, we talked. This is how he dealt with his time in Iraq, mentally bunkered down and getting through. The biggest drive is Benimoff's need to "be there" for the troops under his pastoral care.
Once he's home, however, that drive stalls. He's afraid he's failing his men and he is ignoring his own PTSD symptoms. As a helper, it's hard for him to get help. The book definitely shows his frustration and how out of control he gets. It's a clear downward spiral as he can't work, gets abusive towards his wife, and loses all inclination to cling to God. Fittingly, after he gets some inpatient counseling, it is his men who seem to help him the most as he returns to work. When he finally hits bottom, he realizes it's not all up to him.
Oddly, it's the attitude from Iraq that most closely resembles how Benimoff gets a little better. He's literally unarmed in the war, not allowed to carry a gun. And he's emotionally and intellectually unarmed at home. In Iraq, there wasn't anything he could do to protect himself, he had to rely on others. And at home, there's little he can do to heal himself and he has to rely on God.
If nothing else, this book should open your eyes to the trauma our men and women face, physically, emotionally, psychically, in war.
Divided into two sections, Iraq and Home, you do get a sense of the attitude differences. As Benimoff talks about Iraq, it's cut and dried; I went here, I did this, I saw this, we talked. This is how he dealt with his time in Iraq, mentally bunkered down and getting through. The biggest drive is Benimoff's need to "be there" for the troops under his pastoral care.
Once he's home, however, that drive stalls. He's afraid he's failing his men and he is ignoring his own PTSD symptoms. As a helper, it's hard for him to get help. The book definitely shows his frustration and how out of control he gets. It's a clear downward spiral as he can't work, gets abusive towards his wife, and loses all inclination to cling to God. Fittingly, after he gets some inpatient counseling, it is his men who seem to help him the most as he returns to work. When he finally hits bottom, he realizes it's not all up to him.
Oddly, it's the attitude from Iraq that most closely resembles how Benimoff gets a little better. He's literally unarmed in the war, not allowed to carry a gun. And he's emotionally and intellectually unarmed at home. In Iraq, there wasn't anything he could do to protect himself, he had to rely on others. And at home, there's little he can do to heal himself and he has to rely on God.
If nothing else, this book should open your eyes to the trauma our men and women face, physically, emotionally, psychically, in war.
August 17, 2012
A pastor at my church is also a chaplain in the Army. When I read this book, she wass in the process of being deployed to Iraq, so the topic seemed very timely. While I know that not all chaplains are the same, I gained a greater admiration for what they have to deal with even though they don't directly participate in combat. I pray that there are many chaplains like Roger Benimoff and my Pastor to care for all our men and women put in harm's way fighting for our's and others' freedom
August 3, 2019
"I cannot believe I am the patient, not the caregiver..." Chaplain B after admitting as a patient program for PTSD post mobilization
My review is without a doubt biased, but I was very touched by Chaplain B's transparency as both a caregiver and patient (or someone being healed while giving care to others). The two while opposite often reflect and have a sense of congruency to each other. I hope some BN and/or BDE Commander out there, or some elder at some faith community out there reads this book at realizes their pastoral caregivers have a life with needs themselves.
My review is without a doubt biased, but I was very touched by Chaplain B's transparency as both a caregiver and patient (or someone being healed while giving care to others). The two while opposite often reflect and have a sense of congruency to each other. I hope some BN and/or BDE Commander out there, or some elder at some faith community out there reads this book at realizes their pastoral caregivers have a life with needs themselves.
January 15, 2025
Indescribably moving. Has some sentences that jolted me out of my seat.
Description of a chaplain's duties on the battlefront and the challenges faced when they don't get the support they need.
The chapters on his PTSD are confronting and so so sad.
Description of a chaplain's duties on the battlefront and the challenges faced when they don't get the support they need.
The chapters on his PTSD are confronting and so so sad.
April 16, 2019
A fascinating view into how the author dealt with deployments, PTSD, and the strain it put on his relationships, especially with his wife and with God.
March 31, 2020
Very personal and helpful account of the life of a military chaplain who came close to death on more than one occasion. Helpful also in understanding how to deal with grief and PTS.
September 21, 2020
A very honest reflection on a chaplain’s experience of serving troops in Iraq including his own trauma and faith questions.
abandoned
April 12, 2022I've got to stop picking up memoirs that someone else liked. It's just not a genre I enjoy.
May 31, 2011
I've never really known what military chaplains do. Benimoff has me convinced that it's an incredibly tough job. Chaplains have to be both trained soldiers and trained seminarians. Who has those credentials? And then they have to be able to speak and pray with and comfort people of all faiths, in about under 60 seconds for a daily "Word of the Day;" plus go into combat unarmed (but with an armed escort); plus hold mandatory debriefing sessions every time someone is killed. There are few chaplains -- and no wonder -- so each chaplain is responsible for hundreds of troops.
Every blessing upon their heads.
Benimoff is full of faith in the beginning, but becomes increasingly exhausted and over-extended, even after he returns from Iraq. He can not adjust to life at home, and is eventually diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, a diagnosis he resists because he feels as if he should be able to handle it. Isn't he supposed to be a pillar of strength? He hits some hard issues: war is hell, why does God let some die and not others, why do innocents ever suffer, does God even exist? He's angry with God and his home life is falling apart because he's absent and angry and abusive. He wishes for pat answers and "a nice ending wrapped in a bow."
I learned about some of the daily struggles on the ground in Iraq. I think I know more about WW2 than I do the wars of my own time.
I wish the book were written better (have rounded up in the star rating above). Despite a writing partner, the book clunks along and doesn't hang together. Excerpts from Benimoff's journals and his wife's journals are plunked into chapters without much introduction or commentary. And while I do not expect the ending to be wrapped up with a neat bow, I do wish it didn't just peter out. It's not clear whether Benimoff stayed in the army, or continued working as a chaplain -- maybe that decision hadn't been made when the book was published, but even that indecision would have been nice to know. Perhaps later editions have more information. And Benimoff's wife deserves a book of her own.
Every blessing upon their heads.
Benimoff is full of faith in the beginning, but becomes increasingly exhausted and over-extended, even after he returns from Iraq. He can not adjust to life at home, and is eventually diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, a diagnosis he resists because he feels as if he should be able to handle it. Isn't he supposed to be a pillar of strength? He hits some hard issues: war is hell, why does God let some die and not others, why do innocents ever suffer, does God even exist? He's angry with God and his home life is falling apart because he's absent and angry and abusive. He wishes for pat answers and "a nice ending wrapped in a bow."
I learned about some of the daily struggles on the ground in Iraq. I think I know more about WW2 than I do the wars of my own time.
I wish the book were written better (have rounded up in the star rating above). Despite a writing partner, the book clunks along and doesn't hang together. Excerpts from Benimoff's journals and his wife's journals are plunked into chapters without much introduction or commentary. And while I do not expect the ending to be wrapped up with a neat bow, I do wish it didn't just peter out. It's not clear whether Benimoff stayed in the army, or continued working as a chaplain -- maybe that decision hadn't been made when the book was published, but even that indecision would have been nice to know. Perhaps later editions have more information. And Benimoff's wife deserves a book of her own.
September 23, 2010
This was optional reading for one of Ben's classes. He read it and then asked me if I'd like to read it too. I finished it this afternoon. It was a fast read that brought me close to tears several times because of the subject matter. Very much worth reading because I think it gives a real view of the struggles deployed soldiers/veterans and their families face. Of course it was the story of a Chaplain too so it has real application to our lives as that is what Ben is studying to become. I appreciated the writer's honesty about such an uncomfortable subject and his insights on faith. If you are interested in learning more about what a active duty army chaplain does, then read this book.
June 4, 2009
This was a very good book to read, especially since we know two people who have done tours in Iraq and one who is preparing to deploy. I recommend it to those who would be in the same situation.
While not written in stellar literary style, it is poignant. The author is very self revealing, especially about his faith in God.
There is no faith without suffering. Suffering purifies our faith and love of God.
While not written in stellar literary style, it is poignant. The author is very self revealing, especially about his faith in God.
There is no faith without suffering. Suffering purifies our faith and love of God.
July 13, 2010
Great book. I can't lie, it sent chills down my spine considering that CH (CPT) Benimoff and I are in the same profession. Although he left the Army, his story is the subject of many water cooler conversations among chaplains.
My only issue is flow. Conant's civilian writing clashed with the military writing style in Benimoff's journal entries. Also, I was not a fan of Rebekah's Benimoff's journal entries. Perhaps her entries could have been a separate section of the book.
My only issue is flow. Conant's civilian writing clashed with the military writing style in Benimoff's journal entries. Also, I was not a fan of Rebekah's Benimoff's journal entries. Perhaps her entries could have been a separate section of the book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 7, 2012
I really enjoyed this one, particularly for his journaling to God. The Chaplain had to remain so strong in his faith, while witnessing constant tragedy. It was when he returned home, and took up his routine life again, when he experienced the PTSD and a temporary loss of faith. I also appreciated his transparency; which I know can't be easy for someone who is depended on for spiritual and emotional guidance.
January 4, 2013
As a former hospital chaplain,for me the interior landscape of the book was familiar territory. As I read I could see through my own experience the "mistakes" that the author made and knew the road he was on and the destination. His acknowledgement of his PTSD and the difficult struggle to heal should help all of those who blame themselves for not being able go cope with their life circumstances. It should be especially meaningful to anyone in a caring profession.
June 25, 2010
This true memoir of a chaplain who served in Iraq gives us an in-depth look at the duties of a chaplain during wartime, and also how coming home presents its own problems. Mr. Benimoff is very honest about his feelings on and off the battlefield and how post traumatic stress affected him and his views about religion.
April 3, 2012
This book was a very moving read. The honest way in which it is written certainly gave me new insights into war. War is an awful thing. I have a brother currently in the military and another going in. Every person walks away from war differently but all walk away changed. I have a new understanding of PTSD after reading "Faith Under Fire". I highly recommend this book.
June 1, 2009
Having a parent that struggles with PTSD as a result of the Vietnam War, I found this book particularly moving. Not only does this individual struggle with the war-related issues, but as a chaplain he also experiences a crisis of faith. Very powerful!
April 23, 2010
i had no idea what chaplains do--guess i just figured preachers in uniform. this is a fascinating look at active duty chaplaincy--two tours in iraq. a disturbing glimpse at the pain/toll of ptsd told from personal first hand experience. read it.
October 11, 2010
I loved how honest this book was. The author talks about the effects of war had on his life in the army, at home and with God. It was a really emotional roller coaster that really helped me understand what PTSD is and how it affects people in combat.
May 10, 2012
This book helps you reconcile your PTSD with you walk with God! Personally, God has healed most of my wartime brain damage. I have walked the same road as Chaplain Benimoff, and his book was a necessary part of my healing!!!
January 2, 2016
Het verhaal van deze Amerikaanse legerpredikant over zijn tijd in Irak is heftig, maar opent je ogen voor de zinloosheid van oorlog. Zijn beschrijving van de nasleep heeft iets eindeloos tragisch. Qua schrijfstijl (en toen en toen.../overgedetailleerd) en theologie (erg beperkt) niet zo geweldig.
December 1, 2009
Thought this was an apt book to begin on Veteran's Day.
March 15, 2010
Awesome book. Helped to understand my own struggles. Good insight chaplaincy too
June 24, 2011
This was a hard, but interesting read. Makes me more than ever appreciative of our men and women in the service.
October 24, 2012
A very honest view of a complicated issue. The writer's bravery in revealing his inner thoughts and conflicts makes this a candid and compelling read.
March 6, 2013
We hear stories of soldiers returning from over seas and coping when they get home. Why do we assume pastors (chaplain, in this case) would be any different?
March 5, 2015
An extremely honest look into military chaplaincy and an the daily struggles (struggles of faith) that they wrestle with
August 14, 2013
Powerful, honest, gut-wrenching account of how PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) affected a chaplain’s relationship with Jesus, his wife, his children, and his ability to minister to soldiers.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews