When Did Everybody Else Get So Old?: Indignities, Compromises, and the Unexpected Grace of Midlife

by Jennifer Grant

From writer and veteran columnist Jennifer Grant comes an unflinching and spirited look at the transitions of midlife. When Did Everybody Else Get So Old? plumbs the physical, spiritual, and emotional changes unique to the middle years: from the emptying nest to the sagging effects of aging. Grant acknowledges the complexities and loss inherent in midlife and tells stories of sustaining disappointment, taking hard blows to the ego, undergoing a crisis of faith, and grieving the deaths not only of illusions but of loved ones. Yet she illuminates the confidence and grace that this season of life can also bring. Magnetic, good-humored, and full of hope in the sustaining power of the Spirit, this is a must-read for anyone facing the flux and flow of middle age.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Spirituality, Memoir

192 pages, Paperback

First published May 2, 2017

About the author

Jennifer Grant is a writer and editor in Chicago.

She worked as a health and family life columnist for the Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times Media newspapers for more than a decade. Grant has been published in magazines including Woman's Day and Chicago Parent.

She is the author of six works of nonfiction for adults, including "When Did Everybody Else Get So Old?" (Herald Press, 2017) and "Dimming the Day" (Broadleaf Books, 2021).

She has also written seven books for children, including the bestselling "Maybe God Is Like That Too" (Beaming Books, 2017) and the recent releases, "Finding Calm in Nature" (Beaming Books, 2023) and "What If I Can't Explain God?" (Beaming Books, 2023).

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Find her online at jennifergrant.com
Instagram: @jennifergrantwriter

Reviews

[Keri Kent · Rating 5 out of 5]

In any transitional season of life, what we need most is to know we are not alone. When we head off to college, or become parents, or, in this case, as we hit midlife and all that it brings--we just need to know we are not the only ones asking "is this NORMAL?"
This lovely collection of essays offers reassurance--it felt like a series of conversations with girlfriends just slightly ahead of you on the path, about what to expect, and how to find joy in the midst of the changes we might not welcome.
Humor, spiritual insights, friendly advice and poignant stories all blend beautifully in this book.
Highly recommended!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jennifer Grant did it again. She made me cry and laugh at the same time. Her writing style (somewhere between Anne Lamott and Elizabeth Lesser but somehow completely her own) is touching and effective, and made me sad to finish the book. Write more Jennifer Grant! Transitioning from parenting to empty nest is an emotionally volatile phase—it is nice to know I am not the only one to have such complex, wildly volatile, and paradoxical views on this stage of life. Buy it. Read it. Give it as a gift. Every middle aged woman in America needs this.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read When Did Everybody Else Get So Old? (thanks, Handlebar, for a review copy), thinking it would be a humorous look at aging. We’re all aging, and if you can’t look at it in a lighthearted way, it can get a little heavy.

Author Jennifer Grant has written a series of essays here. Not all are about aging, but most are. There are several about the sentimentality of kids growing up (I love a quote she included by another author: “the very best thing about your life is a short stage in someone else’s story” … sigh). There are other essays about couples who appeared perfect but — no surprise here — ended up divorced. Essays about friends and family who died too soon. Witty phrases: “It takes a lifetime of struggle to get used to who you are.” On-point observations: she recounts what a bummer it was when grocery store baggers switched over from calling her “miss” to “ma’am.”

There were a few times when an editor was called for — “pour” over old photographs (yikes, imagine the damage!), “can also can fool us.”

Grant has several scriptural references, notably from Ecclesiastes, and I enjoyed those comments on aging and on life in general. She mentions that she is Episcopalian, and I was really surprised as she went through several of her beliefs. She references “marriage equality,” “institutional racism,” “police officers … (who) shot and killed African American men, again and again,” “Father God or Mother God.” She also mentions that while in prayer she once “confessed being American … I didn’t ask to be born here” and also goes on about her belief that “all humankind” will end up reconciled to God and in heaven. She speaks of neighbors who were turned off to Christianity by their “very religious Christian neighbors” who didn’t recycle. Oh my. It’s just interesting to note how widely divergent views are out there among those who claim the title Christian.

So, overall, I wouldn’t pick this book up if you’re looking for something humorous. But if you’d like to read a series of essays on the passage of time, and you don’t mind a left-leaning slant, you may enjoy “When Did Everybody Else Get So Old?”

[Michelle VanLoon · Rating 5 out of 5]

What many of us find we need at midlife is the kind of storytelling found in the pages of this well-crafted memoir. Hearing the experience of others reorients us to God’s purposes during this disorienting time in life. Grant offers 19 brief vignettes about her own experience that may affirm your own midlife experience. In 19 short chapters, she tackles subjects including the ticking clock, friendships, family life, the quest to make meaning, appearance, and recalibrating her vocation. She writes with warmth, wisdom, and honesty. Grant respects her readers’ intelligence and experience.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this elegant meditation on life, and midlife in particular, by Jennifer Grant. Her ruminations on marriage, success, loss, and motherhood are honest and vulnerable. The story of the obsessed gloom with which she sets about updating her bio is hilarious (and relatable). Grant's theological observations about the Parable of the ten Bridesmaids were enlightening and encouraging, and left me hopeful for what lies ahead in this second half (God willing) of life.

[Caryn Rivadeneira · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny and poignant with gorgeous writing. A great companion for those just entering middle age and those who've been here a while.

[Miki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I expected, this is a set of essays about going into middle age. Since middle age is rapidly receding in my rearview mirror they would've been more helpful a long time ago but at least I have some explanation for what happened.

[Tami · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this seemed like having a conversation with a good friend. The only problem was this particular friend was just a bit younger and hasn’t yet navigated that uncharted territory that is ahead for me.

While the book really wasn’t filled with what I expected, I enjoyed it and especially liked what Grant had to say in Chapter 12 and the references she made to some verses in Ecclesiastes.

This was a quick, positive read that can be finished in a weekend or less. It’s most likely more relatable to mothers and those seeking or practicing a spiritual life, but it’s definitely not preachy.

Many thanks to NetGalley and Herald Press for allowing me to read an advance copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Katherine Pershey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jennifer Grant is such a thoughtful writer. As I approach my 40s, so grateful for her rich wisdom and gentle humor.

[PJ]

Too spiritual and motherhood-focused.

[Melanie Springer Mock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely a 4.5 for this book. Beautiful prose and beautiful insight. I connected with the author's experiences of midlife, and appreciate her hope for the next stage in my life journey.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aging. Everbody does it,  nobody likes it (after their twenty-first birthday), and most of us like to pretend it doesn't happen. I'm in my early forties and will milk that 'early' adjective as long as I reasonably can. I am still young enough to attack the day with verve, but I am old enough to have seen friends and former classmates pass away. I had my first major health scare this summer, which turned out to not be too serious, but I had to fess up to the fact that I'm too old to ignore these things. Already, my body doesn't do everything I think it should. We age, and as we age we have to face our own entropic decay as we near our end of days. Send not to know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee. 

Jennifer Grant is the former health and family columnist for the Chicago Tribune,  and author of four previous books, including editing the devotional Disquiet Time, (Jericho Books, 2014) and adoption memoir Love You More (Thomas Nelson, 2011). In  When Did Everyone Else Get So Old? Indignities, Compromises and the Unexpected Grace of Midlife  (Herald Press, 2017), she explores our ephemeral existence and what it means to grow old. With good humor and faith, she describes transition—sagging and emptying nests—the loss of friends and loved ones, and retooling vocation.

The nineteen chapters in this book are autobiographical essays on the theme of aging. Grant's literary voice is reminiscent of Anne Lamott (minus the F-bombs), though her faith and life experience are different. She weaves her observations on life together with biblical and theological reflections.

I find Grant's reflections on vocation, and wondering if she made her mark wholly relatable. This is a good read. I give it four stars and recommend it to everybody else getting old. I give it four stars. - ★★★★

Notice of material connection: I received a copy of this book from Handlebar Media in exchange for my honest review.

[Deb · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley for providing me an advanced ecopy of the book. This review is solely my opinion.

Expectations have a lot to do with one’s enjoyment of books. If you have few expectations, your perceived value of the book can only go up. If you heard raves or thought you’d get something else, disappoint could well ensue. I “bought” the wrong item.

For some reason, perhaps the subtitle, (Indignities, Compromises and the Unexpected Grace of Midlife), I thought this book would be humorous, I was expecting Erma Bombeck, thus disappointment ensued. Given the quirky title about aging, I expected humorous vignettes. Grant, a former Chicago Tribune columnist often quotes other writers and reflects on them. I did this enough in college. When reading, I actively look for clever turns of phrases to highlight – to enjoy those slices of word cake once more. This is not that kind of book.

I am openly Christian and use words like blessed and praying regularly. Grant does this too. I just hadn’t expected bible verses to be quoted, as in a devotional type book. I know some readers get offended by that.

She writes of (to me) obvious matters, such as “Sometimes it takes a very long time to bloom” and “It takes time to Heal.” One more astute comment, “We can’t do everything at once.” OK, Two: “The good fruit is ready and waiting for us.” I got tired of it. My advice to the author and editor, “Step it up a notch and find new clichés.”

My favorite essay is “What is Left of Her”, where the author tells a touching story of her sister and her dysfunctional, too short life. “Melanoma Posters” was also a more moving essay.

If you are expecting a light devotional book about family and life, you might enjoy the reflections in When Did Everyone Else Get So Old? My expectations were out of sync with this title.

[Steph Cherry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Y'all know I am forty. I often forget that this age is middle-aged. I picked this book out of the review queue and thought it would be interesting to prepare for the future. As I was reading, I realized that I have or am living all of the things in this book. In many ways it was helpful and encouraging. In many ways I thought it was WEIRD and preached capital T Terrible doctrine. Here's my two cents.

Jennifer talks about why teenagers make fun of us, rebel against us, and detach from us. That is always helpful to remember because it helps us to engage the issue instead of reacting to it. She didn't give much help in the engaging area however. She also dealt with how our kids make fun of us as a way to build their independence and prove themselves separate from us.That can be helpful in affirming our children's individualism.

Really this was a strange group of essays that formed a memoir. She went from wearing glasses that her kids said look like Elton John, to losing her addict sister, to being cremated, to being Episcopalian. The part about her sister was interesting. She shares a little list of what not to say to people who are grieving. When someone loses a family member that is an addict they also grieve their life and loss of relationship. It's a grief doubled.

At the very last chapter, she lost me completely. She went on this strange rant about verses used in the Bible to clobber others. Ones that preached repentance and justice. She said that she thought everyone gets to go to heaven. Honestly, I think she took those "clobber verses" and hit people who believe in repentance and our need to be forgiven by a Holy God with them. It was some of the worst theology I've read in a while.

That leaves me to tell you that I do not recommend this book.

This book was graciously provided by Herald Press for review.

[Joan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Midlife is a period of transition. It can be a troubled time or one full of opportunity. Grant shares her thoughts on her experiences and the lessons she has learned. Some of her stories are about ordinary events while others are life altering.

I enjoyed Grant's thoughts on getting old. I could identify with many of her examples and emotions. Midlife is a crazy time for many women and reading her stories helps us know what we are experiencing is not so abnormal. Her insights are good and range from marriage and parenting issues to the danger of comparing ourselves with others.

My favorite part of her book was actually the beginning where she explores the whole concept of memories. She reminds us we are not merely the sum of our life events. Memories help us see how we've grown and help us appreciate the blessings we have today that we might otherwise overlook.

A note for evangelical readers: Grant is uncomfortable with the concept of God sending some to heaven and others to hell. “I am hopeful that all things and all of humankind and all of creation will ultimately be renewed by, and reconciled to, God.” (Loc. 1921/2194)

I recommend this book to readers who are looking for some insight into the experience of midlife. You'll have a few laughs and get some help in making it through this time of transition.

I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Pluses and Minuses of Middle Age

Into your forties and approaching fifty, you’re in the throes of middle age. Significant events include: children leaving home for college, menopause, death of friends, and health concerns. Each essay in this book traces the author’s journey through this sometimes difficult period. Some of the vignettes are affecting, some try to be amusing, and some are sad.

I enjoyed the essays dealing with children going to college, particularly the one where the author celebrates the fact that her son is on his way to being independent. The essays on death, particularly the death of her sister, are affecting. It’s hard to see a sibling die and raises issues about our own mortality.

I didn’t find the book particularly humorous. The tone of some of the essays is light, but like the one about her concern that her bio wasn’t as good as her friends, it was rather sad. If you’re facing middle or already in it, this is an interesting book. It will tell you that what you’re experiencing is not all that unusual, and there is an end in sight which may be much happier than where you are now.

I received this book from Handlebar for this review.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fairly quick read, and I saw glimpses of myself and my life in Jennifer Grant's. No, we're not all the same, but chances are if you're in that same time of life, you'll find glimpses of yourself in there too.

She takes us through the changes as our children grow up and get ready to move on into their own lives. After all that time of singular focus on the children, the questions emerge - What now? Who am I besides mom?

Jennifer shares her insights and the things she learned, simply by living it, not without a bit of humor thrown in, sometimes at her own expense. And, yes, she even talks about S-E-X.

I especially liked many of the quotes from books she had read and her special take on them. I plan to troll her Notes section for some additional reading.

Thanks to Herald Press for the review copy of the book.

[Lynne Chandler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I opened up this book expecting to experience a fun light-hearted read about the middle ages of life. What I found within its pages was indeed very hilarious as some stories unfolded, but I also discovered so much more spiritual depth and honesty than I ever imagined. It felt like I had been granted permission for a mini spiritual retreat, providing a time of reflection, thought-provoking questions, and all woven together with the heights and depths of human emotions I had experienced myself. Although my life is wrapped in different packaging on the outside, hearing the voice of another echoing my own was a connection that was both inspiring and deeply comforting. Treat yourself to this beautiful book.

[Shirley Showalter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Willa Cather titled one of her books Not Under Forty, indicating that life before that age has a different character than life afterward.

Jennifer Grant has illustrated the same thesis as she writes a hybrid memoir full of references to other writers and cultural events and also deeply personal stories about her self-doubts, her husband, four children, Christian faith, and the foibles of growing older. The writing sparkles with energy and honesty, and often it will make you smile or even laugh out loud.

I recommend reading this book as a companion piece to Barbara Bradley Hagarty's Life Reimagined. Both writers combine research and reflection on personal experience so that the reader, especially the reader over forty, can be inspired to life a better, more kind and faithful, life.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. I started this book because I was looking for a funny book about midlife, with maybe some relatable anecdotes or pearls of wisdom, or a "yeah, me too!" moment or two. This book is not necessarily that. Instead, it is one of kinship, much more so than I ever would have expected. The author quoted so many authors I read, C.S. Lewis, Mary Oliver, Emily Dickinson, from the Book of Ecclesiastes, and spoke about her faith in a way that felt palpable to me. I opened this up searching for a book to open the midlife discussion with a bunch of women I love; instead I found a book after my own heart. I'm not going to pick it for book club because frankly, it isn't the funny or a bit silly that I wanted. Read it for your own journey if you'd like, it was just right for mine.

[Jeanineitsme · Rating 5 out of 5]

When Did Everybody Else Get So Old?: Indignities, Compromises, and the Unexpected Grace of Midlife by Jennifer Grant is a poignant, tongue in cheek set of stories commemorating the sudden realization that time has indeed flown by and midlife has entered in, with all its glorious infirmities and losses of body and mind function. When exactly did that happen? I found myself nodding in agreement over and over as if Ms. Grant were telling me my story. This book is so relatable that most will easily be able to find humor, tears, and wonder in many of the stories.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author brings all her frustrations of her forties which are many into detailed focus making this reader feeling overwhelmed and hoping she will survive the rest of her life...at least until fifty!
It is to her credit she includes Ecclesiastes 3:1 " There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under the heavens."

[Rebecca Lennon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great story of author's journey into and through 40s. I found humor and spritual insights interesting. Only reason I didnt find it fully engaging is that at a stage of life well past "midlife" so apparently really old it seemed like a very familiar story. Good if you are in the midst of raising teens and have kids leaving home.

[Noa · Rating 4 out of 5]

4-4.5 stars. Not what I expected. A book that sat on my shelf for years and in my quest to meet this year's reading goal, I figured its short length and subject matter would get me there. What an unanticipated, wonderful surprise. Really enjoyed the Biblical references, spirituality, along with common sense logic and humor that accompanied a subject matter I'm all too familiar with.

[Deanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this as a member of a book club and none of us were particularly enthralled. The author, a Forty-something, seemed caught up in a self-absorbed bubble. Some of her musings were thought-provoking, but mostly I kept wondering how she would look at things once she hit 60...

[Carole Duff · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many truths, passages highlighted, pages dogeared, and midlife belly laughs. I loved the author’s personal stories as much as her references to others who have walked this spiritual path.

[Loretta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book of essays on being "older", mostly about midlife and children and moving forward. She writes with humor, understanding and love.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting insights to middle age based on the author's experiences

[Leslea Abshire]

Great book with even better advice and wisdom ..much needed but easy read

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

She makes so many good points and it’s very readable. Chapter 11 💕 spot on to how I feel about my children leaving the nest.