Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search for Masculine Identity

by Guy Corneau

A Jungian analyst examines masculine identity and the psychological repercussions of ‘fatherlessness’—whether literal, spiritual, or emotional—in the baby boom generation
 
An experience of the fragility of conventional images of masculinity is something many modern men share. Psychoanalyst Guy Corneau traces this experience to an even deeper feeling men have of their fathers’ silence or absence—sometimes literal, but especially emotional and spiritual. Why is this feeling so profound in the lives of the postwar “baby boom” generation—men who are now approaching middle age? Because, he says, this generation marks a critical phase in the loss of the masculine initiation rituals that in the past ensured a boy’s passage into manhood.
 
In his engaging examination of the many different ways this missing link manifests in men's lives, Corneau shows that, for men today, regaining the essential “second birth” into manhood lies in gaining the ability to be a father to themselves—not only as a means of healing psychological pain, but as a necessary step in the process of becoming whole.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Philosophy

200 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

About the author

Psychanalyste de formation, Guy Corneau n'a pas un parcours traditionnel.
Son intérêt s'est d'abord porté vers le théâtre. Directeur de la troupe Organisation Ô, un collectif de création, il a écrit, joué et mis en scène plusieurs pièces, notamment La complainte de Fleurdelysée Fortin qui attira l'attention du réalisateur Pierre Gauvreau et qui fut présentée sur les ondes de Radio-Québec en 1974. Sa toute dernière pièce, Elle et Lui dans de beaux draps, a été présentée à Marseille et Aix en Provence à l'hiver 2008.

Après l'obtention d'une maîtrise en sciences de l'éducation à l'Université de Montréal, en 1976, il est allé se former à l'Institut de psychologie analytique C. G. Jung de Zürich, où il a reçu son diplôme de psychanalyste jungien, en 1981.

Après une douzaine d'années passées en cabinet, il a quitté la pratique privée afin de communiquer plus largement. Ce parti pris de vulgarisation s'est alors traduit par de nombreuses conférences publiques, de l'enseignement et de multiples tournées, notamment en Europe francophone, aux États-Unis, au Japon et au Brésil.

Guy Corneau a aussi écrit cinq livres qui sont devenus des best-sellers. Le premier s'intitule Père manquant, fils manqué (Éditions de l'homme, 1989). Ce livre a été traduit dans plusieurs langues, incluant le japonais et l'indonésien. Paru au Québec sous le titre L'amour en guerre (Éditions de l'Homme, 1996), et en Europe sous le titre N'y a-t-il pas d'amour heureux ? (Éditions Robert Laffont, 1997, et Éditions J'ai lu, 1999) son second livre nous parle des rapports hommes-femmes, mères-fils, pères-filles et a également connu un grand succès. Publié en l'an 2000 (Éditions de l'Homme, Éditions Robert Laffont, Éditions J'ai lu), son troisième livre, La guérison du coeur, présente une réflexion globale sur le sens de la souffrance physique ou psychologique. Victime des autres, bourreau de soi-même, son quatrième ouvrage, a paru aux Éditions Robert Laffont en avril 2003 et aux Éditions de l'Homme en septembre 2003. Il explique comment l'emprise des conditionnements inconscients sabote nos possibilités réelles de développement. Un cinquième titre: Le Meilleur de soi a été publié en janvier 2007 au Québec, aux Éditions de l'Homme, et en mars 2007 aux Éditions Robert Laffont à Paris. On y apprend que l'expression au quotidien, des goûts et des aptitudes constitue le chemin de la joie. Enfin, sa toute dernière oeuvre, un sixième titre: Revivre !, paraît aux Éditions de l'Homme, est lancé au Québec en octobre 2010 et en Europe en janvier 2011. C'est à partir de sa propre expérience d'un cancer de grade IV qu'il nous invite à réfléchir aux aspects psychologiques et spirituels de la maladie.

Reviews

[Luca Pendu · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've felt the absence of a father figure throughout your life, you'll feel like this book has been written specifically for you. I've had a lot of "a-ha" moments during this read. Of course these insights will make more sense if you're undergoing therapy, as the healing process is quicker. This book doesn't give you "carte blanche" to blame your father (or lack thereof) for all the shortcomings in your life though: our parents were just normal people, acting in good faith. It's our responsibility, with therapy's help, to learn a way to "father ourselves" and reclaim our masculinity.

[Martina Rizova · Rating 3 out of 5]

Доста трудно съумях да прочета тази книга — не бих могла да предоставя пряко обяснение за този „феномен“, но определено изпитвах известна доза нежелание, гарнирано с липса на всякакъв интерес. Съвсем възможно е да съм се захванала с това четиво в момент, в който просто търсенията ми са различни.

Книгата ми се стори семпла — прекалено кратки обяснения, прекомерно общи изказвания; съдържаше по-скоро празни метафори, чрез които да се изрази някаква претенция с неизвестен смисъл. Разясняваха се с бележки под ред достатъчно популярни и навлезли в ежедневната ни употреба думи (и то по особено „изискан“ начин), което със сигурност не постига някакъв предварително търсен ефект. Набързо (пре)разказани случаи от практиката, без конкретизации.

Ако се фокусираме върху „по-глобалното“ обаче, книгата е носител на стойност — идеята е да се „разнищи“ темата за отсъстващия баща и функцията му в личностното развитие и израстване на сина. Дали е възможно да се разграничи къде се намира стандартното, общочовешко дори, възприятие за това и къде — по-специфичното или професионално, не бих могла да определя. Оставам сякаш с доста въпросителни покрай този труд.

[Dryw Hart · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've never had much respect for psychoanalysis so I knew early on that this wasn't going to go well. That said, here are my thoughts:

Liked:
- The author identified several common psychological issues and provided very brief suggestions for how these people might help themselves. It should be noted that this is not a significant portion of the book. Don't come here looking for that.

Didn't Like:
- Author's selective citations. He included a citation for a word from the dictionary, but didn't include any where it might have been useful, such as in his repeated analysis of dreams, stories, and behaviour which invariably led back to the patients' father issues.
- The aforementioned father issues. It seemed like the author had an extreme confirmation bias and was looking for an "absent father" in all his patients. I don't want to claim that this is because he needs to work through his own issues surrounding his travelling salesman father, but I think I just did.
- Citations from Carl Jung institutes were far too frequent. I found it hard to take the author seriously, given that it seemed all his information was coming from a very small group of people who may very well only be talking amongst themselves.
- Education. This is related to a couple of points above, but the author appears to have no psychological background, except for his "graduation" from the Association of Jungian Psychoanalysts of Quebec. Obviously his lack of a formal education in this field doesn't make his ideas any less valid, but I personally found myself questioning his qualifications every time he made sweeping generalizations about his patients based on very little information.

[Monika · Rating 3 out of 5]

What do a broscience podcast on hunting, a priestly talk as part of a literary lecture series, and a Jungian psychoanalyst's treatise all have in common?

The first is that I, Monika, happened to listen/watch/read all three of them serendipitously in the space of a week. The second is that all three of them quite independently lamented the loss of real masculine values, fatherly influence, and tribal initiation in the West during the years particularly following the baby boom of our parents.

[I attach both the video and the podcast below, and encourage you to watch particularly the first one if you happen to speak French.]

La voie des hommes - Conférence de l'Abbé Philippe de Maistre

Meat Mafia Podcast - Sacred Hunting Modern Masculinity

The family unit, in the name of freedom and individualism, has crumbled. At the time of writing (1982) Corneau counts 1,307,860 children in France living in single parent families where that one parent is a woman. In Canada about one of every 6 families was the same. There are also many many more emotionally absent fathers. Now there must be many more.

L'abbé de Maistre (above) says that “Elles (females) savent tres bien qui elles sont.” It is males who need the close presence of an imitable father figure and initiation rituals for proper development and self-identification. I wonder if he had read Corneau.

Everyone thinks they know a little about psychoanalysis. Freudian ideas are so founded on explicitly sexual incestuous dreams (oedepus complex etc etc) that it was impossible for them not to become common topics of conversation from teenage years onwards. Corneau is a Jungian devotee and Jung was a contemporary of his germanophone friend.

My conclusion after reading even a bit of this work is that no matter how entertaining it is to read Freud/Jung/Corneau/[insert other] it is unwise to take their works to seriously.

I think it was Plomin (whose book Blueprint I read recently and who really impressed me) brought up the whole Freud thing. He writes:

Freud thought that parenting is the essential ingredient in a child's development... He wrote persuasively about clinical case studies that supported his ideas, but he provided no real data. When research was done to test his ideas, little support was found for them. The philosopher of science Karl Popper claimed that Freud's theories were presented in a form that made them impossible to disprove, which is the Popperian sin against the first commondment of science that theories be not just testable but falsifiable.

I did get the feeling that Jung was searching to illustrate his hypothesis with colorful character studies. Each one more dysfunctional than the last. I did begin to wonder if anyone could escape his pathololisation of their personality. Everthing could be traced back to the loss of a father: lack of ambition but also perfectionism; frigidity but also playboy behaviours; thrill seeking and overpoliteness; homosexuality and fear-of-homosexuality. Nothing could not fit.

In all probability the answer is that non-pathology lies in the virtuous compromise. But still. I didn't like this.

There was, howver, one overarching and recurrent problem that these males had; the inability to form any healthy attachment to women. A failure of any sort of intimacy with the opposite sex.According to Corneau this failure could be linked completely back to the lack of balancing strong male character in the household and the problematic overattachment or resentment that festered towards the mother who remained.

My other beef with Corneau is that when he ventures into Domains that are not his own, such as religion and biology, he is downright silly;
“Saint Joseph… participated very little in the active life of his son Jesus”
“Biologists affirm that at the embryonic stage we are all initially female” (he follows that this slippery biological tendency is why masculinity is fragile and therefore must be constantly affirmed.)
Luckily I do not think that these were detractors.


There were elements and moments of this book that give pause; and thinking back it was probably because the stregth of consistency of a result was too much to ignore. Corneau is a clinical psychotherapist, and the sheer number of male patients in whom he sees the same gaping patterns of problem left after the absence of their fathers is too much to ignore. Likewise, when Corneau echoed Phillippe de Maistre echoed The Meat Mafia podcast the inferences became convincing enough from these three divergent sources to become almost scientific. Almost.

[Oscar · Rating 3 out of 5]

En nuestra sociedad, muchísimos hijos hemos tenido un padre ausente, algunos ni siquiera lo han conocido; para otros, la ausencia ha sido más moral que física. El resultado ha sido más o menos el mismo. Sin una figura paterna los suficientemente decisiva como para desencadenar el arquetipo paterno (esa respuesta a la pregunta ¿cómo ser un hombre?), nos hemos refugiado en la madre, en lo femenino, y andamos por la vida buscando esa parte que nos falta.
Llenos de resentimiento e idealizando al padre en nuestra psique, desempeñamos papeles en la vida como si fuéramos actores teatrales. Corneau nos esboza los personajes más comunes, entre los que se encuentran el héroe, el seductor, el eterno adolescente, etc. Entramos en esta farsa teatral porque no tenemos alternativa, mientras no seamos capaces de ser nuestro propio padre, perdonando al real y olvidando las idealizaciones, no podremos entrar en contacto con nuestro verdadero yo; pero antes tendremos que abrazar nuestra sombra, eso que no queremos ver en nosotros y que proyectamos en los demás.
Guy Corneau nos muestra que no estamos solos en esta problemática y que sí hay solución.

[Sylvain · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh! Je suis donc DEVENU homosexuel à cause de mon père distant et de ma mère aimante. Wow! Merci Ti-Guy!
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Je le sais que c'est un vieux livre, mais lire le chapitre sur "le problème de l'homosexualité" (et franchement l'ensemble de l'œuvre dégueulassement hétéro normatif) en 2024 est enrageant. À classer à côté de Les hommes viennent de Mars, les femmes viennent de Vénus sur la tablette des livres que personne ne devrait avoir à lire...

[Петър Р. Дойчев · Rating 3 out of 5]

Купих си тази книга, подмамен от обещанието да науча някакви нови истини за себе си. Напразно опитах да се открия изчерпателно описан в някоя от категориите, които Корно конституира. Предполагам, че всеки читател на подобна литература го прави – опитва се да се намери някъде по страниците. Очаква трепетния момент на просветлението: „Аха! Ето къде съм бил аз! Ето защо така и така ми се стече животът – защото съм такъв и такъв човек. То било много просто и хората са ме били разгадали отдавна, а аз чак сега получавам достъп до това общоизвестно знание.“ Е, предполагам, че ако беше толкова лесно, психоаналитиците отдавна щяха да са станали напълно излишни. Щяхме да се откриваме някъде, надлежно описани, щяхме да си вадим заключенията, да поправяме грешките в живота си и оттам нататък всичко да върви гладко. Да, ама не! Човешката психика е сложен феномен и авторът неслучайно се презастрахова още в началото с уточнението, че не описва пълнокръвни личности, а само отделна, макар и много видима, тяхна черта. И после, разбира се, се отрича от думите си, издавайки психоаналитични присъди за един или друг случай, основани именно на анализите на тази изолирана черта.
Останах с усещането, че чета описание на зодиакалния ми знак – няколко верни неща и още толкова други, с които не мога по никакъв начин да се съглася. Ако пък отворя да чета за някоя друга зодия – и там същото – разпознавам се в някои описания, докато в други – не. Така и с категориите на Ги Корно. Уж психоаналитично четиво, ама не съвсем. Пълно с подробни обяснения под линия на вече добили широка популярност явления, като напр. аутизъм, дислексия, транссексуалност, бърнаут, емпатия и др. Обяснява ни дори какво е „юпи“ и на колко сантиметра е равен един инч! Докато други понятия, най-вече от специфичната терминология на психоанализата, остават неизяснени. В крайна сметка за кого е тази книга – за професионалистите или за по-широк кръг читатели? Май нито съвсем за едните, нито съвсем за другите. Странна симбиоза, подобна на майсторските класове, за които ни се обяснява, че били както за начинаещи, така и за напреднали, че даже и за професионалисти. Корно звучи като специалист, който се опитва да не се отпуска в дебрите на психоанализата, за да не изгуби по-незапознатите си с тази област на науката читатели. Или пък обратното – като популярен автор, който вкарва тук-там психоанализа, за да си придава важност. Книгата се чете лесно, но като въздействие, като сила да убеждава в истинността на тезите си, не е на необходимото ниво. Мен поне не можа да ме убеди.
Ако трябва да се симплифицира до едно единствено изречение: „Синовете, чиито бащи са били отсъстващи, са прецакани!“ Ама ние това си го знаехме и от по-рано, преди да сме чели Корно. Виждали сме го много пъти в живия живот около себе си. Стремежът на Корно (макар очевидно това да не е негово откритие в психологията) е да ни обясни защо точно са прецакани, както и да ни даде някакъв евентуален път за самолечение, който, разбира се, никога няма да се случи на практика. Напразни са пространните отплесвания на автора по гръцката митология, по стойността на феминизма, хомосексуализма и грижата за околната среда. Дотолкова, че в едно интервю на френски му задават директния въпрос дали той самият е гей. Малко прекалена ми дойде идеята за прегръщането на хомосексуалното у мъжа като здравословна преходна стъпка към хетеросексуалността. Но това е психоанализа, все пак – в нея всяка идея, колкото и радикална да е тя, е разрешена. Струва ми се обаче, че това е поредната книга, в която адресант и адресат се разминават. Доброто желание на Корно да помогне на всички тези объркани мъже ще удари на камък, защото те едва ли ще посегнат да прочетат книгата му. Ще дойдат в кабинета на психоаналитика, едва когато нещата са се оплели до степен на непоправимост, както уместно отбелязва това самият автор. Колебаещите се (като мен) ще я прочетат, само за да открият, че това вече го знаят, защото са го чели някъде другаде или се е появило някъде през годините като продукт на собственото им мислене.

[Hossein · Rating 2 out of 5]

قسمتی از متن کتاب:
هنگامی که فردی سایه اش را می پذیرد، باید این ایده ی واهی را فراموش کند که کامل و بی نقص است. او باید متوجه شود که هرگز کامل نخواهد بود و هرگز آن قدر طولانی زندگی نمی کند تا هر آنچه در خودش دوست ندارد را تغییر دهد

[Hadi Ra · Rating 5 out of 5]

یک جمله از کتاب :
زنان خود به خود زن هستند ،
مردان باید مرد شوند.
......

گای کارنو

[Holistr · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that helps to figure out some of the issues lurking in man's subconsciousness. It surely opened doors of alternative thinking over my past and present motives of behavior. The archetypes presented in Corneaus work are devised from Jung's Depth psychology. The stories are based on experience and observations of his patients and himself. One has to be careful to ascribe oneself traits and patterns that reflect in the stories. No person is a clear cut archetype, rather a compound of several characteristics. Whether it is the good guy, the pleaser, the bohemian, the warrior, ... those archetypes all stem from 2 basic needs successfully suppressed in modern men - intimacy and aggressivity. While scared, and uninitiated young boy strives to become a man it inevitably results in failure and substitutes - the addict, the seducer. Suppressed aggressivity, on the other hand, is a result of a lack of guidance and form in handling the man's vital force - the hero, the warrior.
In conclusion, G. Carneau urges fathers to be present in the lives of boys since early childhood, share intimacy from toddler age and initiate young boy into the world of men with transitional rituals (examples cited in the book).
Men know about those things, the problem is they don't talk about them!

[Internet Man · Rating 4 out of 5]

This thing gives you something to ponder if you're into Jungian psychology. Although there's a lot of sweeping generalisations in here (much like with all Jungian/mythic interpretations of psychology), Absent Fathers, Lost Sons will most probably at least give you an alternative view or two to kickstart your thoughts into what might be amiss.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fantastic and insightful book that every adult male should read. Offers great insights into the mind of masculinity: from "iron Hans" to qualities seen culturally as feminine. Male development, maturity, and relation to fathers is examined in the context of cultural norms. Highly recommended.

[Ali Sadr]

این کتاب برای افراد جوانی که ارتباط کم رنگی با پدرشون دارند عالی هست
و یا برای افرادی که دنبال هویت مردانه می گردنند راهنمای خوبی هست

[Martijn van Bruggen]

Een boek van de jungiaanse psycho-analyticus Guy Corneau over de invloed van de afwezigheid van vaders op de ontwikkeling van hun zonen. 'Afwezige vaders' dient ruim geïnterpreteerd te worden. Ze kunnen (zoals bij mij) letterlijk afwezig zijn geweest tijdens de opvoeding van het kind (door dood, klootzakkerigheid, of ruzie met de andere ouder) of figuurlijk afwezig.

Vooral dat laatste is volgens Corneau een probleem van onze tijd. Sinds de industriële revolutie zijn vaders zich veel minder met hun kinderen gaan bemoeien, zijn ze gevlucht in werk, cafés, of media zoals de tv. Vaders zijn passiever geworden en staan verder af van hun lichamelijkheid.

Onze vaders vluchtten naar de bossen, de cafés of hun werk. Ze zochten toevlucht bij hun auto's, kranten en televisieprogramma's. Vaak verkozen ze te ontsnappen naar een abstracte, kunstmatige wereld, een wereld die losstond van de werkelijkheid, van de alledaagse ervaringen, van hun eigen lichaam. (...) Er lijkt een scheefgroei te zijn binnengeslopen tussen de aangeboren behoeften van zoons en het gedrag van tegenwoordige vaders, die deerniswekkende figuren lijken, slachtoffers van een lot waarover ze niets te zeggen hebben.

Vooral voor zonen heeft dat catastrofale gevolgen, heeft Corneau ondervonden wanneer hij naar het patiëntenbestand van zijn praktijk kijkt. Zijn conclusie is eigenlijk dat een zoon niet zonder vader kan. Hij heeft hem nodig om geïnitieerd te worden in de wereld van de man. Gebeurt dit niet, dan lukt het de zonen niet om volwassen te worden, in de zin van een autonome, onafhankelijke man. Ze hebben dikwijls afkeer van hun mannelijke eigenschappen. Ze onderdrukken die, en wat onderdrukt wordt komt altijd boven op een slechtere plek. De gevolgen zijn zeer uiteenlopend en per individu verschillend: van passiviteit tot ongecontroleerde agressiviteit tot vrouwenhaat tot bindingsangst en intimiteitsproblemen. Ook met de moeder raakt de relatie meestal helemaal verknipt, doordat zij man en vrouw ineen moet zijn en de zoon haar als godin of duivelin gaat zien. Van haar loskomen is een pijnlijke en loodzware taak, die de zoon wel moet volbrengen om, wederom, een autonome man te worden.

Ik ben op het spoor gekomen van dit boek door Dennis Wiersma, minister van Primair en Voortgezet Onderwijs. Hij vertelde in het (meestal) fantastische interviewprogramma van Özcan Akyol, De geknipte gast, dat hij alleen door zijn moeder is opgevoed. Afwezige vaders, verloren zonen heeft hem veel gebracht, vertelde hij. Ik kan goed begrijpen wat Wiersma bedoelt, al had ik tijdens het lezen vooral het gevoel dat Corneau mij heel veel ontnam. Namelijk illusies over mijzelf, mijn relaties en dat ik het best aardig voor elkaar had. Een boek dat aanzet tot zelfreflectie en mij in ieder geval heeft doen realiseren dat ik een paar stevige knopen heb door te hakken om niet ongelukkig en ineengestort in de stoel te eindigen tegenover de moderne Corneau.

Een existentieel weekend achter de rug en er zullen er nog vele volgen door dit ontwrichtende boek. Ik heb aan de hand ervan al meteen voor het eerst in tijden ruzie gemaakt. Glorieus het onderspit gedolven, dat wel, maar het begin is er.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, hormis quelques petits commentaires sur la religion que je crois erronés (ils sont tout de fois secondaires à l'argumentation). Le livre m'apparaît comme étant encore plus d'actualité - et donc important - que lorsqu'il a été publié originalement, au début des années 90.

[Oleksandr Alekseev · Rating 4 out of 5]

Книга-дослідження питання відсутнього батька (фізично або не виконувавшего свою роль) і тих проблем з якими стикаються сини таких батьків підіймає питання становлення здорової маскулінності, процеса ініціації, а також утримання агресивності. Рекомендую чоловікам, в яких не було близьких підтримуючих відносин з батьком. Нажаль немає перекладу, тож доведеться чит��ти англійською

[Atsez Eawaz · Rating 1 out of 5]

ملغمه‌ای از نماد، کهن الگو، یونگ، اسطوره‌ها و رویا

[Emad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Father: Symbol of the Old World
Son: Symbol of the New World

In every family, there is a shared experience of occasional foolishness. Sometimes, fathers retreat into the depths of their own selves, existing but absent. Their absence casts a shadow over their sons, who become lost in its darkness. The father’s disappearance mirrors the sons vanishing.

The son once fashioned a father from the sky, but his silence hindered his growth. The boy's identity remained hostage to his quietude. Without a mirror to reflect maturity, he remained perpetually a boy.

The forever boy imitates womanhood, yet he never fully transitions. He clings to the anima, never crossing into manhood. The father, like a guiding stick, should attach to the boy, providing safety, self-esteem, and confidence. But when the father is absent, the boy stands alone, lacking self-awareness.

Traditionally, ancient tribes facilitated the boy’s transformation into a man. Women inherently understand life, but boys need guidance. Life and womanhood are intertwined, yet men must be introduced to life.

--- The Crucial Role of Fathers: Navigating Tradition and Imagination

In our society, we often overlook the importance of allowing girls to grow independently while providing guidance and support to boys. Our world is replete with lost sons, and we’ve forgotten the ancient traditions that once guided them.

Facing a father is pivotal for a son’s journey toward manhood. Two distinct fathers await him:

Biological Father: The one he shares blood with.
Main Traditional Form and Pattern of Father: This archetype, imprinted even before birth, awakens when fundamental conditions align.
But what is this traditional form and pattern? Imagine the hatch of a turtle egg—the first move toward the sea. Or consider a newly hatched chick, its first sight forever imprinted as “mom.” These archetypes reside within us, activated by life’s prerequisites.

For a boy, knowing his mother is innate, but the father remains complex—a post-birth encounter. The father embodies conditional love, reigning over the boy’s world.

Yet, a gap exists between the real father’s need (the traditional form) and the current father. This gap births challenges:

Perfectionism: The son strives to compensate, imagining the absent father more powerful than reality.
Self-Hate: The void fuels self-loathing.
Lack of Confidence: Without a father’s presence, confidence wanes.
Imagination can deceive. Why the shame and complexity in conversations between father and son? Our assumptions elevate the father to godlike status, a celestial figure. But we must discern real fatherhood from our illusions.

Touch—the bridge between father and son—holds significance. Deprivation from this touch echoes the traditional form. An ideal father isn’t merely successful; he’s connected to life itself.

Here lies your challenge: bridging the distance between you and your children, shaped by the traditional form. Break free from the godlike image; instead, offer unconditional love. Only a connected father can truly connect a child to life.

Parents aren’t holy beings; they’re human. Reject the false holism that complicates life. Unlock your child’s potential by being a simple, present father—not a deity or Hercules.

---The Lost Sons: Navigating Shadows and Struggles
P: The Hero’s Burden
A young boy, shaped by his home environment, unwittingly becomes a hero. But even if he achieves great heights, he carries a heavy burden. His father’s unattained goals haunt him. Sacrificing himself, he officially kills his own needs. The successful societal hero suffers silently, plagued by imposter syndrome. Doubt gnaws at his merit, fearing that others will discover his emptiness. Perfectionism knows no bounds; he fears losing his talents and power.

S: The Unpredictable Mr. S
Mr. S’s father lacked predictability, leaving him uncertain. Seeking niceness, he avoided upsetting anyone—his greatest sin. Sleep eluded him after causing annoyance. Within his subconscious, hidden anger simmers. His inner father reminds him of sins, perpetuating guilt. Trapped, he can’t release this anger. Half of himself lies buried, echoing the Persian saying: “In our midst, there exist individuals devoid of emotion and feeling. They traverse life in this state, deliberately avoiding harm to others.”

R: The Forever Young Boy
Fear grips the forever young boy. He hesitates to act on his ideas, fearing commitment and loss of freedom. Unused creativity traps him between “not yet” and “not anymore.” He dreads growing old, unable to find maturity. His mother compensates for his father’s absence, but he fears losing his childhood spark. “Dar Aghaz Amal Bood”—in the beginning, there was action.

A: The Intimacy Pretender
A seeks his mother in every woman. Intimacy eludes him; he intentionally stifles feelings. Defeated in love, he pretends intimacy while depriving himself of deep connections. He leaves before others can leave him.

N: The Scared Observer
Realizing he’s different from his mother, N fears women. Here, the father’s role is crucial. By observing his father’s interactions with women, a boy learns. Only a guided boy faces women without fear. N accepts defeat, supporting women superficially due to his father’s absence. Weakened, he lacks depth.

G: The Center of Attention
G craves the spotlight, living as an object at the center. His parents never accepted him as valuable. Why did narcissus gaze at his reflection so intently? Doubt drove him to stare into a vacuum. He sees only himself through others’ eyes, striving to be wonderful and important. Whether compensating for childhood rejection or fearing loneliness, he’ll do anything to fit the mold.

M: The Fiery Fighter
Always angry, M seeks conflict and forbidden acts. Regret follows each outburst. Deep anger toward his absent father drives him. He flees from this anger, fearing weakness. But he must confront it—his weakness stems from this very fear.

Sh: The Sufferer of Meaninglessness
Sh contemplates his father’s absence, seeing emptiness in the world. Fear prevents him from looking too closely. Yet, within this void, he finds a quiet peace. His suffering surpasses all; emptiness isn’t the end but the beginning. In winter’s depths, he discovers warmth within.

D: The Fear of Pain
D avoids pain at all costs. But he must learn: no pain, no gain.

H: The Composite
H embodies aspects of them all. Fear drives him—fear of life, perhaps even working for death.

[Filip · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dlho som si kládol otázku kde presne sú hranice dospelosti. Konzultoval som to so známymi aj rodinou a odpovede, ktoré som dostával boli častokrát veľmi nesúrodé a rozpačité (odchod z domu, vstup do manželstva, prvá výplata, ukončenie vzdelania, rodičovstvo, prvá práca, a pod.), čo vôbec nepomáhalo dať tejto problematike nejaký jasný rámec. Potom som si prečítal Why Grow Up? od S.Neiman a Co dělá z chlapců muže od B. Stephensona a dospelosť zrazu začala nadobúdať jasnejšie kontúry.

S.Nieman našla kľúč k dospelosti v schopnosti naučiť sa žiť sám so sebou v nedokonalom svete a následne hľadať zmyslupnosť s druhými a v druhých. B.Stephensona je o čosi konkrétnejší (zameriava sa totiž na mužskú populáciu) a navrhuje návrat k fenomén dávnych iniciačných rituálov, ktoré v minulosti pomahali adolescentom jasne precítiť prechod/prerod z detstva do dospelosti.

No a na tejto ceste za hľadaním hraníc dospelosti sa mi teraz dostala na stôl kniha Chybějící otec, chybující syn, v ktorej Guy Corneau do istej miery dáva za pravdu Stephensonovej potrebe iniciačných rituálov, ktoré v modernej spoločnosti takmer úplne vymizli. Zároveň však podobne ako S.Nieman dodáva, že na to, aby sme mohli dostiahnuť dospelosť potrebujeme najprv spoznať sami seba. Corneau však dodáva, že tu cesta nekončí. Ďalším horizontom na ceste za dospelosťou je odpustiť našim rodičom za to, že boli len ľudia. Ľudia nedokonalí a chybujúci.

Tu obzvlášť oceňujem ako Corneau zdôrazňuje potrebu preklenúť mlčanie. Mlčanie rodičov pred deťmi. Mlčanie partnerov vo vzťahu. Mlčanie jednotlivca vzhľadom k jeho vnútorným potrebám a obavám. Guy Corneau teda prináša na stôl potrebu citlivých rozhovorov. Rozhovorov o individuálnej a rodinnej minulosti, o vlastnej zraniteľnosti ako aj o (ne)naplnených túžbach a životných cieľoch.

Táto kniha teda prináša veľmi hodnotný príspevok do debaty o hraniciach dospelosti a sviežu perspektívu, ktorá dotvára celkový obraz o ceste k dospelému ľudskému prežívaniu. Rozhodne odporúčam (všetky tri knihy)!

[Pablo María Fernández · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found out about this book in the bibliography of Bob Boothroyd’s “Warrior, Magician, Lover, King”. I gave it a quick read (a couple of hours), skipped the stories and went directly to the author's concepts and reflections. Based on Jung's ideas he elaborates some interesting points about our identity as men. He describes key concepts on masculinity (for example how it is usually defined in negative terms: “it is not to cry”, etc.), what it implies growing up as a man, the rite of passage from boy to men and the silent father (the generation before the baby boomers is called -not out of casualty- the silent generation). The section “The theater of virility” present ten archetypes that I was able to match with different types of men I know and enabled me to understand better their behavior (eg. the whys of the obsession with achievement, the eternal youth -he introduces a polemic reading on Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s “The little prince”- and how adults can remain creative).

In summary, this is a book for men above sixty years old to learn more about themselves and try to escape from their generation's silence trap. But also for their sons and grandsons, for helping them try to understand their fathers and grandfathers in order to build a healthier relationship with them and with themselves.

[Ruben Mes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ik vond dit boek toch wel echt heel goed.

Alhoewel het redelijk gedateerd is blijven de thema's zo goed als tijdsloos.

Met Jungiaanse en Freudiaanse invalshoeken zet Guy Corneau een gevoelig en doortastend betoog neer over man-zijn en man-wording.

Ik ben heel erg over dit boek te spreken, en resoneer met veel van wat hij schrijft.

Het is geen perfect boek, maar het is gewoon echt een ontzettend goéd boek.

Robert Bly's Iron John blijft de oer-klassieker, maar deze staat nu ook bij mij op de must-read lijst voor mannen.

Aanrader.

PS: ik heb deze uit een kringloopwinkel geplukt, en voorin staat dit:

"Lieve Bink,
Van harte gefeliciteerd met je 18e verjaardag. Wat een leeftijd alweer!
Voor jou dit boek over man zijn. In veel culturen zijn er rituelen om de overgang van jongen naar man in te wijden.
In onze maatschappij kennen we dit niet meer. In mijn eigen zoektocht naar autonomie heeft dit boek mij geïnspireerd.
Misschien dat jij er ook wat aan hebt.

Heel veel liefs en geluk het komende levensjaar toegewenst!

Je Vader

[Sepideh Shafiee · Rating 4 out of 5]

کتاب پدران غایب یکی از مشهورترین و پرفروش‌ترین آثار گای کارنو است و به مردانی کمک می‌کند که از کودکی با پدرشان رابطه بدی داشتند اما هم اکنون می‌خواهند با پسران خود ارتباط سالم و موثری داشته باشند.

گای کارنو می‌گوید پدر غایب نه تنها به معنی غیبت فیزیکی و روانی است بلکه به معنای غیبت روحی و احساسی هم می‌باشد و هرگز نمی‌تواند ارتباط دلچسب و دوستانه‌ای با فرزند خود داشته باشد.

پدران غایب کسانی هستند که ارتباط‌شان با فرزندان خود بسیار کم است و یا کلا رابطه‌ای ندارند و خودشان آسیب خورده و بی‌رمق‌اند. پدر برای پسر مانند ستون فقرات می‌باشد. ویژگی‌های شخصیتی مانند اعتماد به نفس، هدف داشتن، مواجه شدن با مشکلات و بحران‌ها، ایستادن و جنگیدن با مشکلات و...از پدر آموخته می‌شود. پدر غایب مشکل‌زاست. مردان زیادی در جامعه حضور دارند که احساس مرد بودن با خودشان ندارند و این مسئله به دلیل حضور نداشتن پدر در کنار خانواده است.

[Jonathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Het openstaan voor het lijden dat het opgeven van de illusie van volmaakte verzorging en de ideale vader meebrengt, stelt een man in staat het gat dat zijn ontbrekende vader heeft achtergelaten, op te vullen met zijn eigen aanwezigheid. Met eigen normen en idealen.

Mannen die hun vaders ontbeerden staan voor de uitdaging zelf de vaders te worden die ze misten.

De innerlijke leegte die de vaders die wij moesten missen achterlieten, biedt ons juist de gelegenheid een man te worden — op voorwaarde dat we stoppen met ons eeuwige geklaag en onszelf de aandacht en zorg geven die we nooit kregen van onze vaders.

[Lucas · Rating 4 out of 5]

*Very* far from my usual reading choices, but an undeniable emotional revelation. There's probably some early 1990s junk in here that might not be so OK for a therapist in 2021, and the Jung-ness of it all can sometimes be a bit much, but the underlying theories are frustratingly sound -- at least in reflecting them against my own experiences. An angry, sad shoutout to my own absent father who, 30 years ago or so, unknowingly put me on course for this book, and probably lots more like it in the future.

[Rajesh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Guy Corneau's Missing Fathers, Lost Sons is a deeply moving exploration of the pain caused by absent fathers. It's a must-read for anyone dealing with the wounds left by a missing father figure. Corneau blends personal stories with professional insights, making the book both relatable and informative. His compassionate approach offers practical advice for healing and moving forward. If you're looking for a book that genuinely understands the emotional scars and offers a path to recovery, this is it.

[Tijmen van der Meer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A combination of other books like HE by Robert A Johnson and Iron John by Robert Bly but his personal experience as an Analyst with clients is a great addition. I like the analogies of Greek myth, if you do not like symbolic or mythological thinking then you should not read this. Of course, he has his own shadow, he talks about it openly. That makes it less Freudian as some reviewed here. He is approachable, relatable. I liked this book a lot.

[WallofText · Rating 1 out of 5]

Actual rating 1.5 stars

Read this for a term paper and oh boy was it a doozy. Aside from some outdated and sometimes contradictory statements on a variety of subjects, the longer the book went on the more it devolved into a strange mix of greek mythology, overarching social theory, and psychology in only the broadest of senses. The chapter on Absent Fathers was literally the only one with a few solid points and interesting quotes.

[Mihai · Rating 5 out of 5]

having a strained relationship with my father, this book made me cry several times. there were a few times where i had to take a break in order to analyze what i have read. this book caught my attention pretty random and it was the best random book i have ever chosen. it made me realize some behaviors i have have a source and they haven’t spawned in my head. this book helped me realize more that i don’t want to be like my father when i will have a child.

[Brew Schmuck · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly a bit perplexed on the point. I hoped to get some Jungian perspective on the current issues men face, but instead I got a significantly higher degree of Freudian theory and the overall message was “if you got issues, say I got issues and you got no issues”.

Anyone looking for Jungian explanations of phenomena - that’s not the book.

[Derek Titus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening read for the Father less

As a 46 year old struggling for the majority of my life to find a father figure this book was eye opening. I lost my father at 11. A father who was a alcoholic, not often a part of his young sons life. It has been a struggle, still figuring this life thing out but this book has helped me some.