"It surprised the hell out of me when the bad boy from across the bar came up to me and started dancing with me"
I want to open on this quote for a number of reasons;
a) This is something I might have written when I was 10.
b) Don't judge a book by it's cover, even if you end up right about the 'bad boy'; and
c) It's just hilarious.
I found a copy of this book because I read quite a negative review and for some reason, it's the bad books that intrigue and excite me more than the supposed good books that end up disappointing me. If I set my book standards so low, then I can't be disappointed. Honestly, I was not disappointed. This was as shit as I hoped it would be. To me, this beat 50 Shades of F*ck Off for the title of 'Worst Book I Have Ever Read'.
From the very first sentence I knew I was in for some fun times. I honest to god though this was written by a 10 year old, and I was shocked to learn the author was well over 30. In fact, I still secretly hope the author stole this from her daughter's dirty fanfiction folder or something.
We first get the standard character descriptions, whereby we learn her two best friends are a super happy fun bright and bubbly Asian with whacky hair and clothes, and the other is a slender and beautiful ice queen. Of course, the main character being a total Mary-Sue, she sees herself as not as beautiful or interesting as her friends, but this took the cake for me:
"My cheeks were dotted with freckles and my lips were puffier than I would have liked".
Hilarious, on so many levels.
So what happens next is she goes out and has a drink and meets this guy and acts like a slut while there's rumours of her ex boyfriend moving in Across The Hall (oh zing!). The way this story was told though, it felt as though the author was playing The Sims, and decided to just write down what happened to them on the game. It felt SO MUCH like a Sims Novel that people write, a bit of drama here, a bit of fun there, sex etc. What was missing were the in-game screenshots.
There is just so much dragging this book down plot-wise. Mundane, page long descriptions of things that don't matter. Every little detail included in every little thing Sylvia did. We also had a WHOLE PARAGRAPH on Sylvia failing to open a bottle of pain meds for her a hangover, and a WHOLE PAGE describing Quinn (the ex boyfriend's) Jeans!!!! HIS JEANS FOR CHRIST SAKE. AND WHERE EVERY LITTLE STAIN WAS PLACED! AND HOW SHE LIKED WHERE THE BUTTON AND ZIP WAS?? (?)??? (????)))!!!
And now for more quotes, because honestly, this book speaks for itself:
"He just flashed his dimple at her" ... (butt dimple?)
"No. I just realised I can now picture you naked" - said by either Sloane or Reed or some douche.
"His look and the way he growled the words out hit me at some base level' THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
"It was a wet open mouth kiss with our tongues slithering around the other's, more outside of either of our mouths than in" .... what? Oh yeah I'm just rolling around on the ground with desire after reading that.... yuck.
"He ground into me, pushing his length harder against my ass"
"Beau scoffed at Kerri 'Bitch please. I can make her scream my name. That's what has her coming back' "
"His lips were parted just a touch as he leaned forward slightly and kissed the ice-cream as he took a bite" - that whole scene had me almost pissing my pants from laughing so hard.
"All my girly parts were absolutely alive..." < Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Modern Day Novel Writing.
Honestly, there was just SO MUCH wrong with the way this was written, but the Ice-cream scene took the cake for me.
So after all that, she's sleeping with her ex boyfriend Quinn who she broke up with 4 years ago, and dating this guy Beau who is a world class jerk but she won't break it off with him until he really starts getting scary and overbearing. Like he was stalking her and leaving all these messages on her phone and at one point I think he showed up unannounced at some family gathering and she STILL didn't think about breaking it off with him. Fucking hell COME ON YOU DUMB WHORE.
We also got a taste of things from Quinn's point of view, which was pointless because their character voices were exactly the same. Also Quinn seemed to think that Sylvia's breakup with him four years ago was a harder thing for her to go through than the possibility of her almost getting raped and kidnapped by this Beau character. Fuck off Quinn and keep your dick in your pants you pathetic douchebag.
And when shit got serious, I could NOT understand why Sylvia didn't call the police. YOU DUMB WHORE!
Then this other stuff happened and I stopped paying attention. I think her dad died but I don't know... was her dad's name Kelly? Because apparently a Kelly died too. But her dad died??? I don't know.
Then there was the standard 'I'm pregnant' to finish the book off and we get a snippet of happy married life. etc.
Like... are you serious?