Chivalry and Courtesy: Medieval Manners for a Modern World

by Danièle Cybulskie

A surprising look at how medieval etiquette can improve our lives today, from the author of the popular How to Live Like a Monk Medieval people are often portrayed as having poor hygiene and table manners―licking their knives or throwing chicken bones on the floor. In the Middle Ages, however, such behavior was not tolerated. Medieval society cherished order in nearly every facet of life, from regular handwashing to daily prayer. There were consequences if you didn’t adhere to the rules of good you wouldn’t be invited to the lord’s next dinner, you wouldn’t win the battle, and you wouldn’t win the lady.

Author Daniele Cybulskie explores the world of medieval etiquette, encompassing table manners and interpersonal relationships as well as running a household and ruling a kingdom. With wit and insight, Cybulskie draws on a wide variety of primary sources, from handbooks for young knights to romantic poems. Though we may no longer need best practices for things like dueling or ordering about our servants, the principles of generosity, kindness, and respect still apply today. After all, it’s a good reminder to “not talk when you have food in your mouth” and “anything you say should be entertaining, polite, and sophisticated.”

Illustrated with original drawings by Anna Lobanova as well as eighty medieval artworks, Chivalry and Courtesy is full of good advice for everyone, whether you are a peasant or a knight, a student or a CEO, a king or a queen.

Genres: Nonfiction, History, Medieval, Historical, Medieval History

176 pages, Hardcover

Published October 24, 2023

About the author

Danièle Cybulskie is a historian, author, TEDx speaker, and medieval coach, who has been sharing her love of the Middle Ages with readers worldwide for over a decade. Her book, The Five-Minute Medievalist, debuted at #1 on Amazon’s Canadian charts (Western History), and her featured articles at Medievalists.net, as well as in several international magazines, have reached over half a million readers, and counting.

A former college professor, Danièle worked as the subject matter expert on OntarioLearn’s The Middle Ages and the Modern World: Facts and Fiction, now being offered at nine Ontario colleges. She earned her MA in English literature from the University of Toronto, where she specialized in medieval literature and Renaissance drama. Her mission is to make history fun, entertaining, and engaging, and to draw attention to our shared human nature across the centuries. When she’s not reading or writing, Danièle can be found drinking tea, practicing archery, or sometimes building a backyard trebuchet.

Reviews

[J.D. Holman · Rating 3 out of 5]

My rating is somewhere between a 3 and a 4.

This book starts strong and ends weak, in my opinion, based on the usefulness of information. I read it more for the historical details as a writer and a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism than for applications in the modern world, but even without that lens, table manners apply to everyone whereas not everyone is a ruler of any sort.

It also ends weakly because of the use of Machiavelli, and I really hate that guy. "The Prince" was required reading for a class in college, and it was the first book I ever fell asleep reading. I also hated the professor who lectured on the philosophy of Machiavelli, especially for being Machiavellian himself later in life. (His wife, my former advisor, died in childbirth. He crowdsourced breastfeeding the infant, made People magazine, and married one of the wetnurses. I'm not joking.)

But enough of revisiting trauma caused by one philosopher. This is an engaging, well-researched book that is enhanced by plenty of medieval art. It offers a taste of insight on each topic, so anyone interested in learning more about how people centuries ago did a certain thing, they can follow the notes and bibliography to other - often primary - sources.

I don't think it gives much guidance on how to take these medieval manners and apply them in the real world. So if you're looking forward to that aspect of this book, you may be disappointed.

[PK · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a truly excellent view at medieval manners, customs, and beliefs. I didn’t expect such a comprehensive look at the history and traditions of the Middle Age, but this book really was one of the best reads I’ve invested in!

[Scribble's Worth Book Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first thing that comes to mind when anyone hears “medieval” is knights, kings, queens, and peasants. Poor living, poor manners, poor hygiene, and the list goes on. We get so much of our opinions from most movies, that it’s hard to believe otherwise. However, author Daniele Cybulskie is here to open readers’ eyes to the truth. What is the truth? Well, the truth is – medieval times weren’t as uncouth or barbaric as the movies would have us to believe.

At first glance at this book’s cover, you absolutely are going to get that medieval vibe the author is going for. You see the various individuals on the cover in various “tiers” and each represents their position in life relatively speaking. From the nobles to the courtiers, the lower cast lived their lives as best they could. In the first few pages of this book, the author takes steps to quickly engage those interested in learning more about this specific era in time. To read that there are literally hundreds of books from the Middle Ages focusing on good manners and such is sure to blow your mind.

As you progress into the novel, the author helps readers to better understand exactly where the focus is going to be. Author Cybulskie is opting to focus on Western Europe since that is typically where most minds tend to go when thinking of Medieval times or the Middle Ages and you will find yourself engaged in the information being put out. How someone could rise in station through certain acts or even a through education. Of course, we all know that some were able to rise from a lower class to a higher one through marriage.

Some of the information contained within this book is already well-known. One in particular is that women were considered lower than men in almost every respect. As well as the dynamics between religions depending on where you might find yourself located. Also, the assertion that, especially back then, having fair skin and blonde hair made you more desirable.

The author has taken care to include several artifact images throughout this book and to tie them expertly into their places in history. From an image of the “Wheel of Fortune” (no, not the t.v. show LOL), to hand washing bowls, to tablecloths and napkins, even spoons! So many things that we take for granted today were important elements to good manners back in the Middle Ages!

The importance of manners, proper conduct, and how foods should be handled is truly interesting. We get to see where some of today’s manners and behaviors concerning certain aspects of eating comes from. Knowing that cutlery wasn’t as widely used during that time period is sure to see eyebrows creeping up towards hairlines, lol. Just even knowing that spoons were usually given as gifts because they weren’t that common is mind-blowing.

Reading that “beauty was seen as an outward sign of inner virtue” many readers will think “well, that’s nothing new.” The more beautiful you were perceived the more virtuous you must have been, thereby more desirable to have. However! Reading that even priests were meant to be handsome?! Cue record scratch, and mind being blown. See, even the movies got that wrong! LOL! What happened guys?! In movies, we typically get the cringe-worthy or rather portly priests while there might be one or two who could tempt a woman, but not often. LOL!

The author works to fascinate the reader with breakdowns of each chapter. While each chapter has their specific subjects the author breaks the subjects themselves down into palatable pieces. You’re getting a lot of information, but you’re getting them in easy-to-digest bites. One example would be The How to Woo chapter. The author touches on appearance in general, how to dress, to expressing oneself i.e. body language, to the very words that you use to express yourself.

It’s rather humorous to read how women were looked down upon in the Middle Ages. It was quite literally “Be quiet (don’t talk too much) and be beautiful and you’re sure to get a husband.” The author points out these particular points concerning women in the chapters as they proceed through the book. While it was possible for women to become more than just a wife in the Middle Ages it surely was not something easily accomplished by any means. Of course, as the book delves deeper it becomes also apparent that a wife has a mountain of expectations placed upon her. The same then as it is now, it’s viewed that “it’s not really a mountain but the “obligations rightly belonging to you (the wife).””

When you get to the aspect of marriage in the Middle Ages, well, you get some idea as to how much it has changed since then. We’re sure you’ll agree that things must have been chaos back then. Imagine getting married by accident!! Talk about a nightmare! Yet, reading how easy it was to “get married” back in the Middle Ages, it must have been a real headache for families. LOL! At least today, you have plenty of time (usually) to back out if you decide to.

As Chivalry and Courtesy shifts to the family aspect of this book, it’s fascinating to learn about the lives of children especially. So often we have been lead to believe that children, as soon as they were of an age, were sent to work to help the family. It’s interesting to learn that they were actually allowed as much of a childhood as possible before they reached a certain age where their lives would begin to truly take shape and a particular path be chosen for them. Essentially between the ages of seven and ten is when most children’s lives would begin to change and they be put on the path that their families had chosen for them.

The chapter that touches on the running of the household is fascinating in its own respect. You get to read the expectations of the women now as wives. Running a household, especially a large one, was never a small thing. The wife had to keep the servants in check, be fertile and have children, raise the children, and make sure that the home was in working order to be prepared for whatever was coming with the correct time of year. Of course, the men had their responsibilities, but when a husband sits down and writes over a hundred pages (literally a book) on what his wife’s tasks should be…it’s easy to say not much has changed. LOL!

The detail of this book in showcasing the similarities and differences between the modern day and the Middle Ages is both obvious and not. It’s interesting to see how things have changed compared to how things were, and how things have not changed in some respects. This book is more than just “chivalry and courtesy.” While that may be the primary focus and intent of this book, the author brings a wealth of information to enlighten readers concerning many aspects of Medieval times.

Some of the information detailed in this book is common knowledge, but there is quite a lot to be found that will educate readers and enlighten them as well. But one thing can be derived from this book – there is much to be appreciated that we learned from the Medieval times. While things weren’t perfect, we sure have come a long way and learned how to take the good and the bad from history.

For readers who enjoy delving deep into history, or want to learn more about how the Middle Ages compares to today Chivalry and Courtesy by Daniele Cybulskie is a must-read. Packed with information and photographs of items or elements that relate to the time are sprinkled throughout it. Each chapter is well-detailed and is sure to keep you engaged as you learn something new.

Pros:
Engaging narrative
Informative content
Well thought-out comparisons
Good reading structure overall
Easy to understand and read

Cons:
None

Lesson of the book: The Middle Ages were far from being the era of slovenly behavior, instead proving they valued manners as much as the modern age.

Cover Score: 8.8/10

Overall Book Score: 9.0/10

[Mercy N · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is essentially a sophisticated historical record of the most important laws and lifestyles that dominated the Middle Ages, with a primary emphasis on Western Europe, particularly France and England. Daniele thoroughly examines the social, political, religious, and cultural norms of this time period. His attention is mostly focused on the behaviors required of those in a certain social class and those who want to be in a higher class. He provided a thorough investigation of every rule and subject he wrote about, connecting his conclusions to authentic historical occurrences rather than just making generalizations. He spoke on a variety of topics, including how people ate meals, knights, how kingdoms were supposed to be governed, courting ladies, and managing houses.

The book is best understood as a concise summary of middle-aged behavioral etiquette, when social class and prestige dictated how one should be groomed and deviations were not permitted if status ever became a deciding factor in any social gathering or prominent political positions.

Mark eventually drew a relevant comparison between middle-aged and modern lifestyles, pointing out both the contrasts and the parallels between the magnetism shown in both periods. This is really a perceptive and very instructive account of the customs of the Middle Ages and their meaning, consequences and effects on the individuals who practiced them or lived in accordance with them.

Daniele seems to be quite creative in his word choice and mode of expression, which is pretty praiseworthy. The diction is straightforward and thorough, the emotions are equally lyrical. I also like the analysis, which was thorough yet concise, and the narrative, which showed skill and extensive investigation.

[Shubham Lakhina · Rating 5 out of 5]

My Ratings - 4.9/5

"Chivalry and Courtesy" by Danièle Cybulskie is a delightful exploration of medieval etiquette that offers surprising insights into how these principles can enhance our lives today. In a refreshing departure from common stereotypes, the author dispels myths about poor hygiene and table manners, revealing a medieval society that valued order in every aspect of life.

Cybulskie navigates the intricacies of medieval etiquette, encompassing table manners, interpersonal relationships, household management, and even the governance of kingdoms. Drawing from a diverse range of primary sources, including knightly handbooks and romantic poems, the author weaves a tapestry of wisdom that transcends time.

With wit and insight, Cybulskie translates the principles of generosity, kindness, and respect from the medieval context to our contemporary lives. While we may not require guidance on dueling or managing servants, the underlying values of good behavior remain pertinent. The book serves as a reminder that concepts such as refraining from talking with food in one's mouth and maintaining entertaining, polite, and sophisticated conversation are timeless.

Enhanced by original drawings by Anna Lobanova and supplemented by eighty medieval artworks, "Chivalry and Courtesy" is not only a captivating read but also a visual feast. Whether you identify as a peasant, a knight, a student, a CEO, a king, or a queen, this book provides a treasure trove of good advice, making it a valuable guide for navigating the complexities of modern life with a touch of medieval wisdom.

[Frank · Rating 5 out of 5]

When someone hears the word "medieval," images of knights, monarchs, queens, and peasants usually immediately spring to mind. Bad behavior, bad manners, bad hygiene—the list is endless. It's difficult to think otherwise because most films shape our thoughts so greatly. Daniele Cybulskie, the author, is here to help readers see the reality, though. What's the real story? The truth is that the medieval era wasn't as uncivilized or savage as popular culture would have us believe. The author of this book does a good job of drawing readers in who are eager to learn more about this particular period of history within the first few chapters.

Upon reading that "beauty was considered an external symbol of inner virtue," many readers may conclude that this is nothing new. You must have been more moral and hence more desirable to have if your beauty was regarded as such. But still! I've read that priests were supposed to be attractive too. Although you're receiving a lot of information, it's in bite-sized chunks that are simple to process.

Daniele Cybulskie's Chivalry and Courtesy is a must-read for readers who appreciate learning about historical topics or who wish to understand more about how the Middle Ages and modern times compare. It is jam-packed with details, with pictures of objects or details from the era strewn throughout. Every chapter is thoroughly explained and will keep you interested while you pick up new knowledge.

[Anthony · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Review

This was one of the most fascinating and compelling looks into life in the Middle Ages. The history and knowledge the author is able to impart, and the detail that goes into each and every aspect of society at that time, was incredible to see come to life on the page. The heart and passion for which the author wrote about this subject were felt greatly throughout the book and made the reader feel more connected to the subject matter.

The history and the balance the author struck with our more modern ideals was the heart of this book. The detailed writing style really brought this time period to life, and the way the author delved into everything from how to eat to how to court and so much more really highlighted the chivalry of the time period. The author did a great job of also stripping away the core values of these etiquette lessons and applying them through a modern lens.

The Verdict

Memorable, thought-provoking, and engaging, author Daniele Cybulskie’s “Chivalry and Courtesy” is a must-read nonfiction book on history and etiquette. The detail and fascinating historical facts that the author brings to life, and the inside look into life during the Middle Ages in England and France, made this a truly mesmerizing book that is not to be missed.

[Scott Overton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Danièle Cybulskie proves again that the little details of history can be as interesting as the big stuff. In fact, in her hands, the Middle Ages come to life far more vividly than from some recitation of important events and too-similarly-named kings. In this book you can learn how to eat with good table manners, woo your intended, become a celebrated knight, run a castle, or even govern a country. And it's all as comfortable as having a conversation with a good friend (who just happens to know a lot). Plus, if you can apply the best elements of the medieval world to your modern life, all the better. Because, while there are some stark differences in our societies, we humans haven't really changed much.
The text is accompanied by a treasure trove of period artwork in colorful plates, along with an extensive list of reading suggestions.
The quirky illustrations by Anna Lobanova are a delight too, with medieval characters on cellphones, motorcycles, and who knows what else? (Have fun looking for all the anachronisms sprinkled through them.)
All in all, a delightful book.

[Ethan Slusarski · Rating 3 out of 5]

I left a little disappointed after turning the last page.

Daniele is very researched in her medieval knowledge and has a nice way with words, but most of the subject matter came across as rather shallow. I do wish she would have spent more time diving into the specific stories of historical figures and less in sprinkling their quotes. It was a fun read, but not one that will truly stick with me long term.

Additionally, the real world applications following most of the passages were a bit heavy handed, trite, and tainted with the author's personal biases. I would've preferred a more objective approach.

Lessons like "Be a good person" and "treat others they way you want to be treated" while well-intentioned feel more superficial than anything else.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an absolute delight to read. Details like those found here are what really help enrich the stories and people of medieval history and truly bring us closer to them in a way. And there’s some practical life advice in there too! Do yourself a favor and get the physical copy. The size, weight and feel of the actual book are all lovely and the color illustrations are gorgeous. Even the pages feel nice! If you have any interest in medieval history this book is for you!

[Billy Davies · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think it is hard to overstate the quality of this book, both the words within and as a physical object. Pages have both great interesting writing coupled with fantastic imagery of medieval artefacts that pertain to the story told. It’s a read adjusted for the layman, whilst being incredibly informative and might even teach you a thing or two about kissing.

[makenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book from start to finish, complete with compelling footnotes and a great list of recommended reading at the end. Reads very easily and is very digestible to those interested in learning about history but not wanting to read a textbook. Plus, I now know how to throw a proper medieval dinner party, which I think is pretty cool!

[Spencer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a cute book and an easy reason, but I can’t help but feel that the paragraph of application in the end of each section are a little trite and kind of detracts for me. Other than that, it falls a little short of its predecessor just in the interest-factor of the content.

[Emily Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so cute and fun! As with all of Danièle's work, she does a fantastic job of humanizing medieval people, and inviting her audience to relate to the culture of the past and see themselves there.

[VBV · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun and easy read. A nice and brief review on typical ways to be courteous in medieval style. Recommend for history amateurs

[Cambrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was eh.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun, easy read about chivalry. Great as an introduction if you know very little about medieval life.

[Eric W · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is something to flip through at Barnes & Noble rather than a book you’d want to purchase.