Listening and Caring Skills in Ministry: A Guide for Groups and Leaders

by John Savage

The secret to leadership and transformation of a group--or of another person--is the quality of the relationship one person has with another. The effective group leader or counselor will be the person who learns how to listen to other people. By studying and employing listening skills, church leaders will engage others more compassionately, allowing them to feel that their needs are being met. These skills can be used with persons who are terminally ill, inactive at church, going through a divorce, in a family with a severely ill person, unemployed, seeking a new church, grieving, traumatized by catastrophe, going through teenage adolescence, in marriage counseling, or leading a ministry team.

John Savage offers eleven specific and teachable listening skills for improving relationships among those who do ministry in small-group settings or when offering counsel to others. The skills are taught through oral exercises and unfailingly helpful examples from actual congregational situations. The skills include paraphrasing, productive questions, perception check, expression of feelings and emotions, fogging, negative inquiry, behavior description, and story listening.

Genres: Nonfiction, Counselling, Theology, Textbooks, Psychology, Communication

152 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1996

Reviews

[Susannah Carter · Rating 4 out of 5]

required reading for my summer internship in chaplaincy, but i think this book applies to human interactions generally. savage's writing is skill-heavy and very applicable on how to become a more thoughtful and fully present listener.

[Stephen Hiemstra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being fully present when listening to someone is tough. It requires setting aside our own egos to hear not only what the person is saying but what is not being said—the backstory. The backstory is important because language is laconic; tone of voice and body language provide the context. John Savage’s book, Listening and Caring Skills, helps to start down the road of being fully present in listening to your family, friends, and colleagues.

Listening and Caring Skills focuses on preparing pastors for ministry, but the principles apply more generally. The book starts with an introduction defining the problem and follows with three major sections: Basic listening skills; hearing the story, and advanced listening skills.

Savage starts by defining the listening problem as closing the gap between what is said and what is heard (17). This gap can be huge because the speaker desires to communicate feelings, intentions, attitudes, and thoughts. This internal desire is actually communicated with words, tone of voice, and body language. Words communicate about 7 percent of the message; tone of voice communicates 38 percent; and the remaining 55 percent is communicated through body language (16). Focusing on just the words used in written communication leaves out important information needed in making decisions.

Consider the potential for conflict just because of weak communication. Skyping can communicate words, tone of voice, and some body language. Telephone conversation can communicate words and tone voice but no body language. Email communicates only the words—unless you are really good with emoticons! Clearly, if I use a form of communication that is incomplete, the potential to be misunderstood grows in proportion to what is left out. Face-to-face communication at least allows a complete set of details to be communicated.

Once we are face to face, communication is technically feasible, but we do not normally engage everyone at the same level. Savage lists five styles of communication: direct and open, open but partial, distorted full information, distort and delete information, and only non-verbal communication (15-16). At best communication is an art: people lie; people don’t listen’; people run off. Being fully present is a gift that we give to those who we really care about. In my experience, people notice immediately when you are really listening.

A lesson worth the price of the book is a technique called fogging which is often used by politicians and lawyers. In fogging one only answers the part of the question that one agrees with. The most famous example of fogging occurred in Matthew 22:15-22 when Jesus was baited with the question: is it lawful to pay taxes...? If he answers yes, then the Jews will be offended; if he answers no, then the Romans will be offended. Instead of answering, Jesus asks to see a coin--everyone agrees on the coin used to pay the tax. When one fogs, one does not answer the whole question and does not become defensive—even when the question is hostile. Fogging allows the conversation to continue without becoming emotionally charged.

Savage’s Listening & Caring Skills is a book that I have recommended, given away, taught, and preached about. Active listening skills are of value in dealing with your children, difficult co-workers, and demanding supervisors. In the church, pastors can benefit from periodically reviewing Savages principles and teaching them to those in leadership. It is simply a great book.

[Beverley Memmott · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some common elements that I have read in other communication books, but I found chapter 2 Productive Questions very helpful and provided practical application examples.

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

In keeping with its title, this book focused on skill-building and its first set of chapters each addressed basic listening skills that took me back to my college communication & speech class - paraphrasing, productive questions, perception check, etc.

I liked Chapter 4 on Expression of Feelings and Emotions for its full page list of feeling words by general category - HAPPY, SAD, ANGRY, DOUBTFUL, AFRAID, and so on.

Chapter 5's skill - fogging is useful - how to avoid being defensive by naming the truth in another person's critical statements.

After a couple more skill-based chapters I got to what was really intriguing to me...Story Listening and Polarization...where the author classifies typical types of stories people tell:
1. Reinvestment stories - tell of shifting commitments and loyalties
2. Rehearsal stories - tell of events in your past life which you retell to inform the listener of what is going on now in your life
3. "I know someone who" stories - project your inner condition on someone else or some object
4. Anniversary stories - tell of past events at a specific time in order to deal with the unfinished pain or joy of an event
5. Transition stories - contain the themes of endings, confusion, and a new beginning

Through this lens I could see that Tara Westover's story in Educated was a textbook transition and reinvestment story. She also revealed clear polarizations in her book, i.e. uneducated --> educated, remote --> with people, Mormon --> secular, homeopathy & muscle testing --> established medicine.

John Savage's last two chapters were on more Advanced Listening Skills, including Life Commandments, whether spoken or implied, which form individual's belief systems. Noting how it's difficult to break free of these ingrained beliefs also fits well with Educated. Savage says, "much of the hard work of being an adult is the reworking of our internal belief systems, so that they don't immobilize us later."

I gave this book a 4 because it covers a lot of ground in just 150 pages. However, it could be even better if it weren't so dated (written in 1996) and contained more relatable examples and less religious language, but it is indeed a book written by a pastor and for church leaders, so that only stands to reason.

[Andrei Gavrila · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked it.

Solid book on communication with some very interesting chapters like productive questions, fogging, negative inquiry, and life commandments.

A good read for people that want to up their listening skills and connect with others.

I would recommend it to facilitators, coaches and leaders.

[Wesley Frizzell]

Back in 1993 I attended a training event led by the author that was the most beneficial training that I ever received as a minister. 'Listening & Caring Skills' describes all the skills included in the training.
I highly recommend it.

[Brandee Shafer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found some of the information useful, some not. I think we've learned some things since this book was published and assume there are more current, helpful resources out there. I'll add that this book concluded really strangely; I felt somewhat ghosted.

[Terrance Lively · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a fair book with a lot of good skills that are very applicable to many situations although it seems very basic. It is accessible in style but seems to be lacking much depth. Helpful as a start but you will definitely need other materials. Still worth the short read.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not the type of thing I normally read, but it presented some information that will be useful to me in my future career as a chaplain. 3.5 stars rounded up.

[Corey White · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Eric · Rating 3 out of 5]

A interesting and helpful short work on the art of listening.

[Logan Carrigan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give it 3.5 stars overall. Decently helpful book.

[Rev. Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the Publisher: "The secret to leadership and transformation of a group--or of another person--is the quality of the relationship one person has with another. The effective group leader or counselor will be the person who learns how to listen to other people. By studying and employing listening skills, church leaders will engage others more compassionately, allowing them to feel that their needs are being met. These skills can be used with persons who are terminally ill, inactive at church, going through a divorce, in a family with a severely ill person, unemployed, seeking a new church, grieving, traumatized by catastrophe, going through teenage adolescence, in marriage counseling, or leading a ministry team.

John Savage offers eleven specific and teachable listening skills for improving relationships among those who do ministry in small-group settings or when offering counsel to others. The skills are taught through oral exercises and unfailingly helpful examples from actual congregational situations. The skills include paraphrasing, productive questions, perception check, expression of feelings and emotions, fogging, negative inquiry, behavior description, and story listening." - For Ministry of Pastoral Care course at Brite Spring 2016

[Bob Price · Rating 5 out of 5]

As somebody who has to listen to people a great deal, knowing how to do it really helps out! This little book is an essential tool in helping to understand what it means to listen to people. Listening and Caring Skills by John Savage is one of the most helpful books I have ever read on this subject.

The opening part deals with the actual phenomena of communicating. From there, he offers helpful tips to help foster communication from the listening side.

Savage explains the need to understand body language, tone and intonation. He demonstrates these skills by working illustrations.

The latter part of the book has to deal with stories and why people tell stories. He has some interesting observations about why people choose to share some stories that should help the listener pick up on things and ask better questions.

The book at times can be very technical, but most of it is easy to read for the layman.

I highly recommend this book for pastors, deacons, and all who are engaged in ministry or who want to improve communication.

Grade: A+

[David Herndon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A required read for a class I am taking this summer, I approached the book with some skepticism. I have been pleasantly surprised to find this book practical. While I might use different terms than the author to describe some of the skills mentioned, I have no real quibble with his observations. This book is good for both individuals and groups. What has been fascinating to me, is reading about a particular tactic used and thinking, "hey, that's what I've been doing," without knowing what the label was. Grab it, it will help you become a better listener.

[John Lussier · Rating 4 out of 5]

For those looking for a practical and approachable, skill-based approach to listening and caring Savage's book is a very good work. Most of the book is easy to understand. The skills themselves take practice, but have already had positive outcomes for me and I am sure others will find the same is true in their own lives, if they study and practice. The minor problems I had with Savage's book do not detract from the bulk of it but I think should be noted if it is ever revised.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seminary course book. Excellent primer for pastoral care.

I've pulled this off my book shelf and am rereading it 14 years later while in a Clinical Pastoral Education Fellowship. The work of self-discovery and use of self in pastoral care is well explained by Savage.

Practicing letting my critique be my coach is challenging and worth the effort.

[Will Waller · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book will be a valuable resource to anyone who is in a listening vocation like pastor or psychologist. Includes great help for asking open questions and focusing on those who are speaking.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read for class. A highly practical book on listening skills. Good for anyone in a caring profession.