Burton Rembrandt is an intelligent and sensitive eight-year-old boy who excels at spelling. But he has been sent to The Children's Trust Residence Center for autistic, sociopathic and generally "disturbed" children after expressing his love for his friend, Jessica, in a way that has horrified his parents and her mother. Forbidden to see his parents and not allowed to read the letters from Jessica, Burt spends most of his time in the Quiet Room, writing his story on the walls. Only a young doctor, Rudyard, interested in a different approach to the children at the institution, thinks there's nothing wrong with Burt and he shouldn't be there.
Raising questions around adults misinterpreting or misunderstanding the children in their care, and the tragic feeling of these children being in effect betrayed by the adults in their lives, When I Was Five I Killed Myself is a sad and searching story about a little boy struggling to understand himself and his feelings, with no one to hep him.
Buten wrote this in the early 80s but its initial American publication, under the title Burt, was a big flop. However, the book was a huge success in France where, Buten says in his Preface, 1 out of 10 French people have read it. So 2 decades later, in 2000, it was picked up again by an American publisher.
It could be that I'm strangely naïve, or simply due to a lack of exposure to kids with special needs, but I never thought Burt was a "special needs" kid in any way. Being good at spelling and struggling to understand, filter and deal with your emotions don't seem to me to be defining qualities of autism etc., so I was surprised to see in other people's reviews this theme popping up and the book compared to The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, for example. Burt tells his story in his own voice, his own words, but I never once saw him as anything other than a "normal" eight year old boy. I'd be interested to hear what others thought on this point.
Like any story where someone is institutionalised when they shouldn't be (it's clear that Burt is no threat to anyone, is not suffering from a mental illness or anything beyond feeling confused and abandoned), it's a sad story that makes you feel trapped and claustrophobic. By the time we learn what exactly Burt did (for most of the story it's a toss-up between violence and sex), it almost doesn't even matter - it's just so painful, seeing him in this place. It's a relief that our understanding of the emotional and mental development of children has advanced from this period, and whether a child has autism or ADD or whatever, we don't lock them up.
It's easy to identify with Burt - he has a natural fear of dentists for much the same reason I feared them as a child: lack of trust. I remember going to the dentist one time, in the mobile dentist clinic truck that parked at the school, and the dentist never spoke a word to me, just attacked my baby teeth with four mercury fillings. And then there is Burt's father's attempt to teach his son to swim, resulting in Burt's fear of water - so many adults think the best way to teach kids to enjoy the water is to take them into the deep end and let go - or worse yet, to literally throw them in. It really pains me, so Rudyard's method of helping Burt - and his ability to see that Burt's seemingly senseless violence is his attempt to be denied swimming "privileges" (because kids can't always tell the truth and say what they're afraid of, especially in front of other kids) - made me simultaneously thankful and yet more sad that it was even necessary.
One thing that troubled me about the story was that, for a realistic story, what Burt did doesn't seem realistic. He is only eight, after all. If he was ten, maybe, but eight seemed a bit ... impossible. Otherwise, Burt is very believable and the situation is harrowing without being melodramatic. A thought-provoking tale.