Divorce Poison

by Richard A. Warshak

Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, you could lose your children's respect, their affection--even, in extreme cases, contact with them. Backed by twenty-five years of experience in helping families, Dr. Richard Warshak presents powerful strategies for dealing with everything from tainted parent-child relationships in which children are disrespectful or reluctant to show their affection to disturbances in which children virtually disown an entire side of the family. Divorce Poison offers advice on how to: Recognize early warning signs of trouble React if your children refuse to see you Respond to rude and hateful behavior Avoid the seven most common errors made by rejected parents This groundbreaking work gives parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children and provides legal and mental-health professionals with practical advice to help their clients and ensure the welfare of children.

Genres: Divorce, Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Mental Health

320 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Dr. Richard A. Warshak is a clinical, consulting, and research psychologist in private practice in Dallas, Texas with more than thirty years experience.

He grew up in Brooklyn, N.Y., graduated from Midwood High School, and earned his undergraduate degree from Cornell University. He received his Ph.D. in 1978 from U.T.’s Southwestern Medical Center where is now a Clinical Professor of Psychology. Dr. Warshak is past president of the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology and he sits on the Editorial Board of three professional journals.

Dr. Warshak is generally considered one of the world’s leading authorities on pathological alienation in children.

Reviews

[Lindsay Person · Rating 5 out of 5]

I emailed the author and he actually wrote me back!!! He recommended a Seattle based therapist for my son. His insights on my unique (as everyone's story is) situation were heartfelt and thorough.
My copy was given to me by a best friend pre underlined/ highlighted and sticky tabbed. She was aware I would rely on it and reference it daily before I was aware how much I needed to have it!
At times I felt both sides of an issue were presented as equally true/valid/good/bad. Which emphasized for me how complicated the issue is.
An unexpected take home lesson was that sometimes talking about the other parents is okay and even necessary. If we don't do it our kids may think everything the other parent says about the other it 100% true. Not bashing. Just speaking and sharing some personal feelings.
Also just acknowledging to our children this may not be fun, it may not feel right or good to them or to us. And just letting that marinate as life goes on. And shockingly it does.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally! A book that advocates a parent standing up for themselves (appropriately) when the ex-spouse bad-mouths them to the children! Great new exploration of the kids-divorce dilemma.

[Missy Olive · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a tough read for me. First, I ordered the book as part of my homework for my own book on Step Mommy Discipline. I am not really sure how it ended up in my Amazon Shopping Cart as it does not really relate to my research. Second, the book was hard for me because I'm a Bonus Mommy and watching what the kids (and their siblings) have been going through in recent months is extremely difficult at best.

Divorce Poison is not for parents (at least not in my professional opinion). The book is an excellent source of support for therapists, counselors, and even divorce attorneys. I do not think it is appropriate for parents because children are fragile. This books talks strategy for helping children who are experiencing divorce poison. I, quite honestly, don't think parents are equipped with the counseling/therapeutic skills to carry out the steps in the book without support from trained professionals.

If you are a parent and you are thinking about divorce, maybe you should read this book so you can see the potential damage that can happen to your child if you and your spouse do not behave responsibly.

Children are children to be loved and nurtured. Adults should not use them as pawns. Ever.

If you are a therapist, add this to your "to read" shelf. We must help parents behave responsibly as adults should.

[Jeremy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book, full of useful advice and powerful examples. The basic thesis--too many parents are passive in the face of badmouthing and brainwashing hostility directed at their children by their ex. They hope that if they are the "good" person who never badmouths, the kids will eventually see this. Oh, sure it may take a few years but just wait.

This author says no--they can get so twisted that they will never see reality until it is far too late.

Well, if that was all the book conveyed, it would still be an important contribution for some of us. But it does much much more. It gives you useful ways to detect, with concrete examples, whether your child is being told you are terrible in ways that are false. Here's one example--if your kid is angry at you, but still likes your parents, your siblings, their children--it's far less likely he's being poisoned with hate against you. Most of the time, with divorce poison, it has to be global, covering you and everyone close to you. The author is always open about what is known, what might be true, and what is speculation. He concedes that some kids get alienated from parents in a divorce for good reasons, or for reasons that have nothing to do with the other spouse.

The book is also well written, easy to read. Highly recommended.

[Lisa Thomson · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is a must read if you're going through co-parenting nightmares. If your ex is possessive with the children Dr. Warshak offers tips on how to handle situations and how to tell the difference between normal behaviors and Parental Alienation. PA is a very destructive syndrome that some divorced parents will stoop to maintain their children's loyalty, at the other parents expense. This is a no nonsense guide on how to talk to your kids about it and preserve your relationship with your children in spite of it.

[Megan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is essentially abuse apologism dressed up under the guise of “parental rights.” It says that things like scaring your children with your behavior during a divorce (by harming or yelling at them etc) is totally normal and that if they’re afraid of you as a result, it’s the other parent “poisoning” and manipulating them against you.

The book manages to make occasional valid points (along the basic idea of “talking badly to your kids about your ex is a bad thing”), but on the whole it’s nearly unreadable.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was excellent, particularly in presenting the only proven solution to alienation, which is no contact with the abusive parent for 90 days, combined with intensive therapy for that parent as well as reunification therapy for the targeted parent/family and child. The book helped figure out how to identify experts who advocate for this kind of solution, as well as state by state resources for court. Short of the 90 day no contact solution, other remedies are presented to support the child, that can be implemented unilaterally and without a court order.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

When my kids turned against me practicality overnight, I thought I was losing my mind. I felt so alone, and didn’t know how common parental alienation was until someone got me this book. It was life reading an autobiography which gave me a clear understanding of what was happening. Regrettably, SC Family Court and multiple attorneys are way behind the curve in acknowledging this is happening. My children are paying the price for their ignorance. If you’re experiencing PA, get support thru PA Facebook groups and other available resources.

[Gary Nees · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent for those divorcing with kids of any age

Before reading this book, the best advice I had gotten was to leave the kids out of it, which had been my goal when the divorce process started. Sometimes that is just not possible, especially if the other parent is waging a war against you via the kids. This is cutting-edge advice on how to heal that situation

[Marcus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy cows, I feel Every single parent should read this book for themselves and their children if they are going through a tumultuous custody battle. The amount of on-point knowledgeable advice and direction given from psychologists that have seen the immensity of damage certain parents can create upon their own children's psyche, self-esteem, along with a hate and despising of the other parent. This book tells the other parent who is more-or-less victim in this scenario, how to navigate through these unsteady waters for their children's betterment, along with their very own. Truly a must read, for unfortunately far too many single parents.

[Michele Siqueiros · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was the best gift I could’ve gotten during what was two of the worst/hardest years of my life as I watched my kids, and especially my son, become a pawn in his father’s war against me. For two years my son refused to have a relationship with me. This book helped me understand what was happening and that I was not crazy. It gave me tools for staying committed to supporting and loving my kids through this. Thankfully my son is back. It has not been easy but if a book could literally save your life and give you hope - this one did.

[Fiona · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important and valuable book! Essential reading for all divorcing or separating parents, and anyone else who works on their custody cases - lawyers, solicitors, social workers, therapists - as well as the extended family of those affected.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It has really helped me feel forearmed and ready to face a potential attempt to alienate which lies ahead.

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for anyone with children who are going or have gone through a acrimonious divorce. Very useful information for how to protect your children from divorce poison, reverse the effects, and also good points to keep in mind to make sure you aren't even inadvertently guilty of divorce poison.

[Elisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are going to a trial you are likely to be divorcing a narcissist. READ THIS BOOK. It is one of two I HIGHLY recommend. The other is called Splitting. Read them before you file so you know what you are getting into and what to expect. I found this SO valuable I bought a copy for my atty and my kids’ therapist.

[Matthew Kimber · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is definitely a depressing topic and at times can feel hopeless. Dr. Warshak helps to understand situations that puzzle and confuse. A must read if you are in a high-conflict co-parenting situation.

[Servando Patlan]

An important book

This is an important book with great advice, resources, and examples. I highly recommended the book because it helps you to adopt the right frame of view when tackling this painful subject of child Programing and child rejection of Parent.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a good book with a lot of useful information. I would have given 5 stars had it not been for how disorganized the material was (even though it was all encouraging and insightful research) and what seemed like repeated sections in other chapters (specifically Ch. 9).

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good outlook of the terrible hardships and struggle during after divorce and how the children get affected.

[Sheri Gauld · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative but in the end I cant see what could be done. It seems hopeless.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent resource for families in high conflict custody matters, particularly families dealing with parental alienation.

[Dixie von Aschwege · Rating 5 out of 5]

Horrid and accurate. A must read if you have a POS ex who manipulates the kids.

[Niamh · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't really know why I read this.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely hard to read but incredibly helpful. Take your time reading it.

[John Libertella · Rating 5 out of 5]

People need to advocate for parents and children who face this POISON.

Let the children have both parents in their lives.

[Lawrence Lewis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative book on parental alienation and the damage it creates.

[Katie Thompson Branson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book very quickly, it was an easy read and it was refreshing. This book and it’s approaches are perfect for those who are NOT conflict avoidance who have experienced alienation tactics from their ex-spouse. This book will not be super helpful for those whose kids are already alienated, but those who are realizing their HIGH CONFLICT (HCBM or HCBD) ex spouse is engaging in toxic alienation tactics. There will be a handful of therapists who will disagree with some of the recommended interventions listed, but those tend to be clinicians who have never lived through alienation or have had to personally deal with a HCBP.

[Nan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ebook. Very very helpful and so glad I didn’t have kids just yet.

[Eric Ogilvie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent overall on aspects of divorce, especially when children are involved. Both broad and in-depth on very difficult subjects. Very enlightening. Given the subject matter and unique concepts it can take longer than average to read, but it is worth the time.

[Carter Maysilles · Rating 5 out of 5]

My sister was going through (and still is, to some degree) a horrible situation that involved parental alienation from her ex. We, as a family, had never heard of parental alienation, but knew that the ex was systematically brainwashing the 7- and 9-year-old girls into being scared of their mother (he told them that she was poisoning their food, that she was going to drive them into a lake if they got in her car, that she she was a whore with any other male that she spoke too, etc.). It was working, because those little girls were truly horrified and scared of their own mother. By some miracle I stumbled upon this book, and we all read it -- the entire family. You see, we were ALL victims of his poison, not just my sister. We were all being alienated from those girls, as we were the half of the family that was supposedly going to do all those horrible things to them!

Well, I am happy to report -- much to the advise and support and tips we received from this book -- that we were able to turn things around to a much more normal [miserable] divorce situation, instead of an abusive divorce situation. The girls are four years older now, and it was a tricky few years there, but they have a relationship with BOTH their mom and their dad now. We were able to help the girls learn and DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES without shoving anything down their throats about their father. It was so hard, because we were so angry at what he had done-- but the long, slow road was worth it.

I really wish that every family and/or divorce lawyer, every student that is studying social work, every child advocate and guardian ad litem would reads this book. I have run into so many people who have experienced different levels of parental alienation, yet don't know what to call it or what to do about it. This book gives some clear answers and some excellent advice.

[Shanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel that all parents who are splitting up should be required to read this book. My step-daughter made false allegations of verbal and mental abuse against her father, in my opinion to appease her mother, as well as to get her way for other reasons. I don't believe this young lady has considered how her actions will negatively affect her life in the coming years, and I know it will.

I don't think she is truly prepared to really lose her father, her little sister (who fortunately won't remember her the longer time goes on), or other family members she loves and who love her.

I think it's awful when a child is instructed to lie, and/or prepped on what to say in Court because they want to appease a parent out of fear of that parent viewing them as a traitor.

I also think it's horrible when a child is willing to destroy a relationship because they feel it's the only way to get what they want.

Fortunately, Courts are seeing through the B.S. of these types of situations, and I have hope for a positive outcome in what my husband is dealing with.

This book is very eye-opening. I hope more people find it helpful:-)