The Control Freak: Coping with Those Around You. Taming the One Within.

by Les Parrott III

They're pushy. Forceful. Impatient. Always in a hurry. And they're usually ready to tell others how to do their jobs “better.” Control freaks. Maybe you know one. Maybe you are one. What are you to do? Psychologist Les Parrott (a recovering control freak) helps readers relate better to the control freaks around them. And if you are a control freak, Les will help you become willing to lose the control you love. The book includes self-tests and a lifelong prescription for healthier relationships.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian

202 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

#1 New York Times best-selling authors, Les and Leslie. A husband-and-wife team who not only share the same name, but the same passion for helping others build healthy relationships. In 1991, the Parrotts founded the Center for Relationship Development on the campus of Seattle Pacific University - a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships.

Married in 1984, the Parrotts bring real-life examples to their speaking platform. Their professional training - Leslie as a marriage and family therapist, and Les as a clinical psychologist - ensures a presentation that is grounded, insightful and cutting-edge.

The Parrotts are New York Times #1 Best Selling Authors. Their books include the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Love Talk, Real Relationships, The Parent You Want to Be, The Hour That Matters Most and Crazy Good Sex.

Each year Les and Leslie speak in over 40 cities. Their audiences include a wide array of venues, from churches to Fortune 500 company board rooms. Their books have sold over two million copies in more than two dozen languages.

The Parrotts have been guests on many national TV and radio programs such as CNN, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, The View with Barbara Walters, NBC Nightly News, and Oprah. Their work has been featured in USA Today and The New York Times.

Visit their website for lots of free resources at www.LesandLeslie.com

Reviews

[Melinda · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read through this quickly at a bookstore. It's easy to read and very accessible, and the descriptions of control freak behavior — broken into categories, illustrated with examples, and identifiable with checklists — are excellent. I also appreciate how Parrott shows the diverse, context-specific ways control freak behavior can manifest, with separate chapters like spouse, boss, parent, etc. However, the book has two major flaws. First, Parrott does not contextualize control break behavior in a system broader than the individual's own personal history. He fails to acknowledge the relationships between control freak behavior and male power — this is especially clear in the "Supervising Spouse" chapter, where he gives examples of domineering husbands but never makes a link to patriarchy and misogyny — nor does he recognize the connection between controlling behavior and abuse. Second, his advice for dealing with control freaks is rather lacking. He suggests that the victim — that is, the person being controlled — is partially responsible for the behavior of the control freak and offers strategies that will only work if the control freak him/herself is actually willing to change. Overall an interesting read for anyone familiar with control freaks, but you should turn somewhere else if you're looking for stronger analysis and more helpful solutions.

[Lobstergirl · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a helpful and eye-opening book at a time when I worked with a very controlling person and many days thought I was going to go out of my mind. I didn't work for this person, I worked with her - but control freaks have a way of making it seem like you're working for them. Recognizing control freaks (the book has helpful checklists) is the first step on the road back to sanity.

[MQR · Rating 3 out of 5]

Partly disastrous / partly encouraging??? ***
------
At first, I thought this is could be a short and easy enough read, mostly because the writing approach seems simple enough and the style engaging enough since the author approaches the subject anecdotally. But what I didnt account for is that the actual subject matter
really isn't t so simple; (and definitely isnt all that engaging, either).
It does offer the occasional reminder that one to seek independent and individual counseling, but it doesnt seem to differentiate very much between what is clinical and what is psychiatric.
Beside the fact that personal reflection can be uncomfortable, but necessary, I also found the book to be more than distasteful at times because it actually takes some very simple to some very complex behavior and behavior psychology and throws it all into one rather wacky 'brew'.
So, despite there being several handy quizzes that are intended to measure severity behavior for each relationship-type (from family to professional), I still would not recommend this book to any person quite unaware of the differences (clinical vs psychiatric behaviors).

My own suggestions:
First, read other psychology/mental health books that are not based on either social or societal anecdote. Then seek to understand one's own level of psychosis or clinical compulsion/behavior before attempting to believe you can mediate and/or modulate relationships and interactions with others', especially using tactics based upon pop psychology.
I did think that there were are a few very good ideas and very good explanations in this book, that I probably might not encounter in an actual textbook, but that still probably does not overall make it a really good book. (So, three stars.)

[Kayla · Rating 1 out of 5]

This one's just not for me and I have had terrible luck with self help books recently. It's slightly discouraging. Very quickly there was some jesus material which immediately turned me off. Then I realized that the book is more for dealing with control freaks, not being one yourself. There's a small portion at the end about it but I didn't learn much from it.

In the spoiler I'm typing out a couple paragraphs that resonated with me quite a bit. It's not necessarily a spoiler.

Deep in the soul of every control freak is an ample supply of anxiety, a seemingly endless stream that continually fuels the fear of being out of control. Control freaks can't relax because they feel at risk of being criticized or shamed for making an error. To feel safe, they feel that they have to be superhuman 24 hours a day. They have to master every situation. The strain of constantly trying to keep from failing pushes them more and more into trying to control everything and everybody.

If you are a self confessed control freak, you know just what I mean, Though few people around you suspect it, you're well aware of the worry and distress that too often plagues your days. On the one hand, you must live up to the impossible self-image you have created for yourself but on the other hand, you deeply doubt your ability to do it. Anxiety is the result. And you know how anxiety fuels your desire to create a world that runs just the way you want it to. You know how it causes you to compulsively control not only your environment but also the people in it. You count on their compliance. The result is more anxiety and that fuels more unhealthy attempts to control it. You long to relax. To let down your guard. To be who you really are without fear of failure or rejection.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bought it in a thrift store - it’s homespun philosophy with applied psychology (the best kind) and a little motivation to change tossed in for good measure. I loved all the personality tests.

So feeling in control can be a good thing (decrease the heat rate) but trying to control what lies beyond you invites an anxiety-ridden, conflict-inducing life. People avoid you because you have to be on top all the time, or they’re always being manipulated into doing what you want.

Do we all struggle with some level of anxiety and a desire to control our circumstances? (Dr Parott made a good case for some people being so accommodating and passive that they might need assertiveness training - but he kept in all the good stories about being wrong when he was so sure he was right.)

I loved the cure: gratitude and daily application of grace.

[Kari · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was another one I discovered existed at the time I needed it...or rather, yes, of course I needed it, but I needed it just as much, in an ongoing way, for...my while life, pretty much, having several family members who are such control freaks. So, I have a lifetime of thought, experience and education under my belt now, and it was good to recognize everything he says, but part of me wonders how come I couldn't have found this book years ago. Oh well, at least I can say I know that Parrott's books that I have read are very good quote repositories; I would read the books again just to skim over and enjoy and then look for ways to share the quotes.

[Bosco Raj · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to read, chapters are broken down well. How Controlling behaviour originates and how to rectify in controlling behaviour ourselves and in others are explained very well.

I enjoyed the third section of this book it is so good for the controlling managers.

[Rachel E · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was suggested to me by my therapist and while I didn't connect with a lot of the content, I did have some nice takeaways that made the read worth it. I love that it shares two perspectives: that of a "control freak" and that of someone living with/around one. As a control freak myself, that was a helpful perspective to explore.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are you a control freak, live with one, or work for one?? This book will teach you how control freaks think and function and it will help you to learn how to navigate the waters when they wreak havoc in your life. There are also suggestions on how to be less of a control freak if you are one.
I have had many control freaks in my life (including my ex-husband) and this book did wonders for me being able to manage myself so as to not get sucked into their madness!!!

[Feistymonkey · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had some useful info in it. I deal with many control freaks, so I appreciated having several specific chapters to cover dealing with the specific kinds of control freaks in my life. Unfortunately I failed to spot the Tyndale mark on the spine, so I didn't realize it had a religious standpoint. Those sections were a bit awkward as I'm not Christian, but it wasn't heavy handed and the author made enough good points to compensate for the poor fit with my beliefs.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely helpful outlining a Control Freak's top ten qualities: Obnoxious, tenacious, invasive, obsessive, perfectionistic, critical, irritable, demanding, rigid and close-minded. The suggestions to deal with this type of person sound reasonable but also give the controlling person permission to continue their behavior. Not exactly a solution book but a good definer.

[Dmytro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just like it sounds, control freaks are people who feel the need to control everything in their life.

This book is split up in two sections:
1) How to deal with people in your life who might be control freaks (ie. an employee might have to deal with a manager who is a control freak)
2) If the reader is a control freak, tips to implement to break down these bad habits

[Lisa]

Life

[Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bought it because I identified with the title...LOL...it didn't let me down...a good read for anyone who thinks they're NOT

[Chris Wolfe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read it. Good Read. I'm still a control freak....

[Cbrown · Rating 2 out of 5]

well, I couldn't control it, so I put it down. ~ lol~

[Jansen · Rating 2 out of 5]

OK. More focused on working with others than on taming yourself.

[Sherry Fox · Rating 2 out of 5]

A little bit of one in each of us.