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Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by unstable moods, negative self-image, dangerous impulsivity, and tumultuous relationships. Many people with BPD excel in academics and careers while revealing erratic, self-destructive, and sometimes violent behavior only to those with whom they are intimate. Others have trouble simply holding down a job or staying in school.
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is a compassionate and informative guide to understanding this profoundly unsettling--and widely misunderstood--mental illness, believed to affect approximately 6% of the general population. Rather than viewing people with BPD as manipulative opponents in a bitter struggle, or pitying them as emotional invalids, Valerie Porr cites cutting-edge science to show that BPD is a true neurobiological disorder and not, as many come to believe, a character flaw or the result of bad parenting. Porr then clearly and accessibly explains what BPD is, which therapies have proven effective, and how to rise above the weighty stigma associated with the disorder. Offering families and loved ones supportive guidance that both acknowledges the difficulties they face and shows how they can be overcome, Porr teaches empirically-supported and effective coping behaviors and interpersonal skills, such as new ways of talking about emotions, how to be aware of nonverbal
communication, and validating difficult experiences. These skills are derived from Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Mentalization-based Therapy, two evidence-based treatments that have proven highly successful in reducing family conflict while increasing trust. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is an empowering and hopeful resource for those who wish to gain better understanding of the BPD experience--and to make use of these insights in day-to-day family interactions.
Winner of the ABCT Self Help Book Seal of Merit Award 2011
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is a compassionate and informative guide to understanding this profoundly unsettling--and widely misunderstood--mental illness, believed to affect approximately 6% of the general population. Rather than viewing people with BPD as manipulative opponents in a bitter struggle, or pitying them as emotional invalids, Valerie Porr cites cutting-edge science to show that BPD is a true neurobiological disorder and not, as many come to believe, a character flaw or the result of bad parenting. Porr then clearly and accessibly explains what BPD is, which therapies have proven effective, and how to rise above the weighty stigma associated with the disorder. Offering families and loved ones supportive guidance that both acknowledges the difficulties they face and shows how they can be overcome, Porr teaches empirically-supported and effective coping behaviors and interpersonal skills, such as new ways of talking about emotions, how to be aware of nonverbal
communication, and validating difficult experiences. These skills are derived from Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Mentalization-based Therapy, two evidence-based treatments that have proven highly successful in reducing family conflict while increasing trust. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is an empowering and hopeful resource for those who wish to gain better understanding of the BPD experience--and to make use of these insights in day-to-day family interactions.
Winner of the ABCT Self Help Book Seal of Merit Award 2011
424 pages, Paperback
First published July 5, 2010
179 people are currently reading
485 people want to read
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February 2, 2012I don't think I can give this a rating as it's geared towards the "family" of people with Borderline Personality Disorder. That is a great thing, but everything seemed over simplified. It felt judgmental, even though the forward says the author has a loved one with BPD. There were multiple times while reading it that I just thought, "Are you 'effing kiddin' me?" This book was not informative and was as useless to me. I know that sounds a little harsh, but the author made people with BPD seem like that house kept chimp that eventually went crazy and tore the ladies face off. Ticking time bomb and other various cliches. The information on Dialectal Behavioral Therapy points readers in the right direction. Family members of people with BPD should read the chapters concerning DBT and skip the rest.
May 24, 2015
This book was not very helpful and I could not bear to keep reading it. There are occasional nuggets of helpfulness, but it is largely redundant, over simplified, and condescending. The tone of this book is that the family member is the problem that needs addressing; they are who is making life/progress harder for the BPD. While those who seek out this book are looking for tools to help their BPD loved one and help themselves recover from their behavior, they are not looking to be cast down for the errors they have been making thus far in seeking solutions for this uncompromising condition's effect on their family.
Also, this book is abundantly redundant. The author makes their point and then keeps going. And going. This book is far longer than necessary. The core points of this book could be melted down into a pamphlet and be much more helpful. Other books I have found on the subject are shorter and more constructive.
Despite the occasional nugget of wisdom, I cannot recommend this book.
Also, this book is abundantly redundant. The author makes their point and then keeps going. And going. This book is far longer than necessary. The core points of this book could be melted down into a pamphlet and be much more helpful. Other books I have found on the subject are shorter and more constructive.
Despite the occasional nugget of wisdom, I cannot recommend this book.
October 8, 2017
This book will give you a good understanding of DBT, however, I didn’t agree with the author’s rather generalized thoughts about psychiatrists and psychoanalysts. I also agree with some of the other reviews that this book could’ve been about half as long to be most affective and succinct and to also cut down on the strong pathologizing of BPD.
November 10, 2019
Audiobook. This book is much more for the loved ones of BPD not for someone with BPD. I found this book to be very frustrating. There was some good information but it was repetitive and unrealistic. For a loved one to respond the way the author suggests, they would have to have superhuman strengths. I was so glad when I finally finished the book.
September 15, 2023
Super useful... if a little too sympathetic for my taste. Book oddly had certain parts I could not longer listen to.
[bookmark not available]
“After a while it can become difficult to discern who in the family actually has BPD as dysfunctional and maladaptive coping has become the family style.”
“Iatrogenic is a term meaning harm that is doctor generated.”
“1) Blue - Impulse Dysregulation
2) Red - Mood or affective Dysregulation
3) Purple - Sensitivity Dysregulation
4) Green - Cognitive Dysregulation
5) Yellow - Emotion Processing Dysregulation
6) Orange - Sleep Dysregulation
7) Black - Pain Dysregulation
8) White - Memory Dysregulation
9) Pink - Anxiety”
Lability - Mood dysregulation
“Dr Linehan posits first that people with BPD are highly sensitive to emotional cues and have a low threshold for emotional reaction. Therefore they react very quickly. They are super sensitive to criticism, judgment, and blame and seem to perceive negative cues before others even notice them (if they notice them at all). Secondly people with BPD exhibit very high reactivity meaning their reactions are extreme. Their high arousal interrupts their cognitive processing - their ability to think logically. Thirdly they have slow returns to baseline, meaning their reactions are long lasting. This contributes to a high sensitivity to the next emotional trigger that may come along.”
“Aversive arousal describes the feeling of being repelled by something and having a desire to avoid it.”
“[a person with BPD] is usually receiving the message from her body and her mind that her inner state is aversive or painful.”
“Are they processing a beginning statement in a part of their brain that monitors threats.”
“A person with BPD personalizes a negative emotional situation. Such as a fire next door or a tsunami in Asia, processing it as self-referential.”
“It seems they have difficulty dealing with any kind of ambiguity and when in doubt, assign negative attributions to neutral faces.”
“Freud’s theory that past experiences determine present behavior is an old paradigm that does not seem to be borne out by present day scientific investigations.”
“Sometimes to be effective, we must lose small battles so we can win the war.”
“If you are constantly reinforcing a newly learned behavior after it has already been learned, the person with BPD may interpret this as an indication that you feel he is incompetent.”
“Even if blame is justified, it does not solve the present day problem.”
“He may remain stuck in routines where he is not challenged to take emotional risks. Such as going on with dead end romantic relationships or staying at underpaid jobs that lead nowhere, thereby avoiding major changes in his life.”
“Do not be willful and controlling. Do not tell your loved one what she should feel, want, think, or do.Or how to act. Or to be different in some way. This is very invalidating.”
“Understanding how or why something happened… does not mean that you approve of what has happened.”
“The partner may no longer have time, interest, energy, or the desire to relate on any level or care about her significant other as her emotional resources are now in short supply.”
[two bookmarks in chapter 7 unavailable]
“Many people with BPD find it exceedingly difficult to assert themselves, they back down, cave in, and capitulate to the desires or demands of others.”
“It is very difficult for people with BPD to decipher priorities in situations, to decide what has to be done, and to distinguish between what they really must do, what they want to do, and what is less important for them to do. As a result, they often do too much.”
“People with BPD who are in pretend mode can remain in therapy for years and years, talking endlessly and becoming adept at using all the different psycho-babble jargon. As they are generally rationalizing intellectually without connecting their thoughts with their feelings, they make no progress.”
“A person who is humble has an unassuming, modest attitude, is respectful, and shows deference towards other people.”
“Emotions are contagious. Living with someone with BPD can make any family dysfunctional. Family members have been the recipients of rages as well as abusive and irrational behaviors. They live in perpetual fear and feel manipulated. They often react by either protecting and rescuing or rejecting and avoiding.”
[bookmark not available]
“After a while it can become difficult to discern who in the family actually has BPD as dysfunctional and maladaptive coping has become the family style.”
“Iatrogenic is a term meaning harm that is doctor generated.”
“1) Blue - Impulse Dysregulation
2) Red - Mood or affective Dysregulation
3) Purple - Sensitivity Dysregulation
4) Green - Cognitive Dysregulation
5) Yellow - Emotion Processing Dysregulation
6) Orange - Sleep Dysregulation
7) Black - Pain Dysregulation
8) White - Memory Dysregulation
9) Pink - Anxiety”
Lability - Mood dysregulation
“Dr Linehan posits first that people with BPD are highly sensitive to emotional cues and have a low threshold for emotional reaction. Therefore they react very quickly. They are super sensitive to criticism, judgment, and blame and seem to perceive negative cues before others even notice them (if they notice them at all). Secondly people with BPD exhibit very high reactivity meaning their reactions are extreme. Their high arousal interrupts their cognitive processing - their ability to think logically. Thirdly they have slow returns to baseline, meaning their reactions are long lasting. This contributes to a high sensitivity to the next emotional trigger that may come along.”
“Aversive arousal describes the feeling of being repelled by something and having a desire to avoid it.”
“[a person with BPD] is usually receiving the message from her body and her mind that her inner state is aversive or painful.”
“Are they processing a beginning statement in a part of their brain that monitors threats.”
“A person with BPD personalizes a negative emotional situation. Such as a fire next door or a tsunami in Asia, processing it as self-referential.”
“It seems they have difficulty dealing with any kind of ambiguity and when in doubt, assign negative attributions to neutral faces.”
“Freud’s theory that past experiences determine present behavior is an old paradigm that does not seem to be borne out by present day scientific investigations.”
“Sometimes to be effective, we must lose small battles so we can win the war.”
“If you are constantly reinforcing a newly learned behavior after it has already been learned, the person with BPD may interpret this as an indication that you feel he is incompetent.”
“Even if blame is justified, it does not solve the present day problem.”
“He may remain stuck in routines where he is not challenged to take emotional risks. Such as going on with dead end romantic relationships or staying at underpaid jobs that lead nowhere, thereby avoiding major changes in his life.”
“Do not be willful and controlling. Do not tell your loved one what she should feel, want, think, or do.Or how to act. Or to be different in some way. This is very invalidating.”
“Understanding how or why something happened… does not mean that you approve of what has happened.”
“The partner may no longer have time, interest, energy, or the desire to relate on any level or care about her significant other as her emotional resources are now in short supply.”
[two bookmarks in chapter 7 unavailable]
“Many people with BPD find it exceedingly difficult to assert themselves, they back down, cave in, and capitulate to the desires or demands of others.”
“It is very difficult for people with BPD to decipher priorities in situations, to decide what has to be done, and to distinguish between what they really must do, what they want to do, and what is less important for them to do. As a result, they often do too much.”
“People with BPD who are in pretend mode can remain in therapy for years and years, talking endlessly and becoming adept at using all the different psycho-babble jargon. As they are generally rationalizing intellectually without connecting their thoughts with their feelings, they make no progress.”
“A person who is humble has an unassuming, modest attitude, is respectful, and shows deference towards other people.”
“Emotions are contagious. Living with someone with BPD can make any family dysfunctional. Family members have been the recipients of rages as well as abusive and irrational behaviors. They live in perpetual fear and feel manipulated. They often react by either protecting and rescuing or rejecting and avoiding.”
December 1, 2024
I can't give enough stars to this valuable resource for families working through issues with BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. Never before, after reading dozens of books, have I felt so seen, understood, and validated.
Valerie Porr makes a good argument for compassion, for those suffering from BPD as well as the family members embroiled in the mental illness, who find themselves on the receiving end, just wanting the madness to end.
Other books we've found helpful relating to BPD and mental health:
Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
Things to Look Forward To: 52 Large and Small Joys for Today and Every Day
Valerie Porr makes a good argument for compassion, for those suffering from BPD as well as the family members embroiled in the mental illness, who find themselves on the receiving end, just wanting the madness to end.
Other books we've found helpful relating to BPD and mental health:
Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
Things to Look Forward To: 52 Large and Small Joys for Today and Every Day
June 13, 2020
Extremely valuable for families or friends of a loved one with BPD.
I came across this book when my daughter was 17. She was incredibly unhappy and everything we did seemed to make things worse. She would barely speak to us and I was in fear constantly of her committing self harm or putting herself in unhealthy situations. Any efforts we made to help her were met with anger and resentment. The turnaround in our relationship after reading and implementing the strategies in this book was dramatic. I understood so much better how she perceives the world around her. We were able to help her feel more loved and accepted and that made such a difference to her. And that has allowed us to be able to help her navigate through some challenges. She still struggles, but things have definitely improved. I just wish I had known about dialectic behavioral therapy sooner. She's not willing take any skills classes at this point, but I think she would have been open to them as a younger teenager. I would recommend this book to anyone who has a loved one who struggles with intense emotions and the fallout that occurs as a result.
I came across this book when my daughter was 17. She was incredibly unhappy and everything we did seemed to make things worse. She would barely speak to us and I was in fear constantly of her committing self harm or putting herself in unhealthy situations. Any efforts we made to help her were met with anger and resentment. The turnaround in our relationship after reading and implementing the strategies in this book was dramatic. I understood so much better how she perceives the world around her. We were able to help her feel more loved and accepted and that made such a difference to her. And that has allowed us to be able to help her navigate through some challenges. She still struggles, but things have definitely improved. I just wish I had known about dialectic behavioral therapy sooner. She's not willing take any skills classes at this point, but I think she would have been open to them as a younger teenager. I would recommend this book to anyone who has a loved one who struggles with intense emotions and the fallout that occurs as a result.
September 23, 2021
This book is certainly packed with information about Borderline Personality Disorder. A basic thesis of the book is that family members can, to some extent, practice Dialectic Behavioral Therapy with their loved one who is afflicted with the disorder. This is much easier said than done. The complexity of it is very high, and it would be difficult to do so without proper coaching.
The book contains a fairly lengthy chapter about the neurobiological basis of BPD. I found this chapter to be rather dry, even by my standards as someone with a little bit of background in neuroscience.
Overall, the book is a good resource, and I recommend it.
The book contains a fairly lengthy chapter about the neurobiological basis of BPD. I found this chapter to be rather dry, even by my standards as someone with a little bit of background in neuroscience.
Overall, the book is a good resource, and I recommend it.
April 7, 2024
For anyone dealing with a loved one in distress there are some very applicable skills talked about in this book. But especially for those with a family member with BPT this is an important read. While it’s a little dated, all of the information still applies.
July 2, 2017
Some good information about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Dialectic Behavior Therapy.
(DBT)
(DBT)
August 16, 2018
El libro más compasivo y completo
June 30, 2019
Great read!
One of the best books in this category. Very helpful simple tips to tackle practical problems with easy solutions. Well written
One of the best books in this category. Very helpful simple tips to tackle practical problems with easy solutions. Well written
August 28, 2020
This woman understands and has the patience of a saint. A must read for anyone who lives with and love someone with BPD.
April 19, 2021
THIS ONE WAS A TOTAL GAME CHANGER
July 13, 2021
A very good book for explaining the various issues to family members, and giving them practical examples to assist in situations.
January 25, 2023
Great info for families with loved ones who have BPD. It gives tools and validation!
December 6, 2025
Helpful insights in how to communicate with a love one with BPT
September 28, 2023
I have always believed that no one has perfect mental and emotional health all the time just as no one has perfect physical health all the time. Consequently, when I first read the title of this book, I wondered if it would be a "borderline" trivial revue of everyday life. The Foreword and the Preface quickly and completely erased any such thought. Everyday life for everyone involves challenges that may involve serious mental and emotional (personality) dysfunction -- possibly only momentarily and not what is most often thought of as chronic mental illness such as bipolar, schizophrenic, etc., disorders. After reading the first three or four chapters I was convinced that this book teaches one how to minister like Jesus Christ ministered and thereby would help everyone regardless of whatever. However, the later chapters are more difficult to absorb and suggest tools for gradually, radically changing personality. I have read the book a second time with far more pondering, marking, and margin notes than any other book I've ever read besides the scriptures -- trying to learn and apply its good teachings. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could easily remember everything which crosses our minds. One significant teaching, for example, is the need everyone has for "validation" -- to be someone who counts. I have noted reminder lists and dogeared pages to find these lists. Still, the Savior Jesus Christ epitomized and summarized all that this book teaches with His exemplary ministering -- if only we could remember and come follow Him.
June 24, 2015
Ms. Porr is the founder of TARA (Treatment and Research Advancement National Association for Personality Disorder)
I really enjoyed this book. I found it to be very detailed in its content regarding Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It also included a chapter on Mentalization-based Therapy. I found it very compassionate towards those with BPD. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone wanting to know more about Borderline Personality Disorder or DBT. I found it very validating towards BPD sufferers. I could hardly put it down.
This book reviewed everything that I learned in my DBT program several years ago, and then some. An excellent guide to building a "life worth living" as Dr. Marsha Linehan, creator of DBT, says.
I really enjoyed this book. I found it to be very detailed in its content regarding Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It also included a chapter on Mentalization-based Therapy. I found it very compassionate towards those with BPD. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone wanting to know more about Borderline Personality Disorder or DBT. I found it very validating towards BPD sufferers. I could hardly put it down.
This book reviewed everything that I learned in my DBT program several years ago, and then some. An excellent guide to building a "life worth living" as Dr. Marsha Linehan, creator of DBT, says.
July 16, 2015
This book is repetitive but it clearly defined quite a few things that have been plaguing my family and wreaking havoc. There is a lot of good advice within the oft repeated examples, designed partly so you can read selectively and also because repetition is emphasis. I am uncertain if all of the advice will be helpful but it certainly gives a new perspective on huge communication gaps between people that are having extreme emotions and wildly different interpretations of reality. I have recommended this book to suffering family members in hopes that it brings some level of understanding to our previously misunderstood selves.
Want to read
December 12, 2014I started this so long ago that I need to start all over again. I remember it being quite through and sometimes technical so I'm reading an "easier" book first and then I'll come back to this one. The subject material is so dense I'll need to read it over time anyway.
March 20, 2018
Geared more towards parents of a borderline. The main theme of the book was describing, in great detail, how not to upset the BPD individual.
Lots of information on DBT and mentalization.
Conflicting info on how to support or live with someone with he disorder.
Lots of information on DBT and mentalization.
Conflicting info on how to support or live with someone with he disorder.
August 28, 2018
It was okay. Super repetitive, could've been about half as long and still made their points clear. The imaginative dialogue seems forced and insincere. But I learned a lot about myself and the way my brain functions and how my closest friends might perceive my symptoms.
April 16, 2012
The best book I've read on BPD! Save the patronizing tone of the initial chapter, this book was-and is-of utmost help in dealing with (and helping, even!) people with BPD traits.
December 16, 2013
It gives you information for begining to understand this emotional disorder, has a good number of examples and situations, but lack of tools for family member to help in managing those situation.
August 7, 2013
Profoundly compassionate
December 29, 2013
Helpful, informative, HOPEFUL and validating for those with BPD and loved ones as well. A life saver for me.
March 15, 2021
It just doesn’t get it right. Too clinical, not personal enough
November 26, 2017
This book is amazing! This book is written in a such a way as to help give family members of persons diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) exercises, tools and support in dealing with their family member's mental illness. However, as a person reading this who have themselves been diagnosed with BPD, I found it most helpful. It's as if I was able to step outside of myself and look at me and my actions and thoughts from an outsider's point of view. It was monumentally helpful in helping me understand more about myself and why I do things that I do. Even more helpful was learning that I'm not the only person who struggles with these issues.
I would DEFINITELY recommend this book to ANYONE dealing with BPD in their families, circle of friends, or even in themselves. Chapters 7 & 8 are pure gold! Great book!
I would DEFINITELY recommend this book to ANYONE dealing with BPD in their families, circle of friends, or even in themselves. Chapters 7 & 8 are pure gold! Great book!
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews