Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors

by Ken Graber

Although the impact of incest or sexual abuse can destroy relationships and test long-standing commitments, Ghosts in the Bedroom provides comfort and guidance for partners in the process of recovery. Graber draws from personal experience to show how partners can accept responsibility for their own issues, support the recovery of the incest or sexual abuse survivor and work toward solving relationship problems together.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction

160 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1991

Reviews

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are with someone or close to someone that has been victimized by sexual abuse, this book can help you sort through many of the feelings that will come up as a result. Many people fail to realize that when you love someone and find out that they've been abused, it results in feelings of anger, helplessness, pain - in essence, a secondary traumatization. This book vindicates those feelings, helps you work through them without re-traumatizing the person you are with, and gives wonderful advice for a difficult and painful situation.

[Leslie Raddatz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped my husband understand why I no longer felt safe to sleep in the same bed as him and the difficulty I was having with sex because of the triggered memories to my sexual abuse. It also helped me understand why my sexual desires decreased as I dealt with my trauma issues.

[Elissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would have given the book another star if it had separate sections for female partners of male survivors, female partners of female survivors, male partners of male survivors, and all the two-spirit/intersex combos.

This guy is really writing primarily for male partners of female survivors. This is a good beginning, but we partners need more.

It was written in 1991, and I'm not entirely sure about the up-to-dateness of the author's picture of bisexuality as being the result of unresolved sexual abuse trauma. My guess is there's a purely biological component to bisexuality, but the author couldn't have known any research findings since 1991, so he is excused on that score. (And I'm not going to go look that up just now, either.)

It does have good material on sex and love addictions, and, for polyamorous readers, he does cover open relationships in a non-judgmental way. In fact, all his addiction material is good, important reading.

[Elaine · Rating 4 out of 5]

While it's slightly dated and the examples all assume male partner / female survivor -- it's still an incredibly valuable book, for both partners and survivors. What I appreciated about this book as compared to "Allies in Healing" (another very good read) is that the author approaches the subject assuming that the partner is invested in remaining in the relationship, and also touches on the poor coping mechanisms or potential childhood traumas that partners are likely to have had predating the relationship.

[Aaron Estel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got this a long time ago, and honestly should have read it then. Not a ton of new information for someone who's been living with a survivor for years. Still, some useful bits, and highly recommended for anyone who just discovered or suspects your partner was sexually abused as a kid.