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Love and War: Finding the Marriage You've Dreamed Of
What the Eldredge bestsellers Wild at Heart did for men, and Captivating did for women, LOVE & WAR will do for married couples everywhere. John and Stasi Eldredge have contributed the quintessential works on Christian spirituality through the experience of men and the experience of women and now they turn their focus to the incredible dynamic between those two forces. With refreshing openness that will grab readers from the first page, the Eldredges candidly discuss their own marriage and the insights they’ve gained from the challenges they faced. Each talks independently to the reader about what they’ve learned, giving their guidance personal immediacy and a balance between the male and female perspectives that has been absent from all previous books on this topic. They begin LOVE & WAR with an obvious but necessary Marriage is fabulously hard. They advise that the sooner we get the shame and confusion off our backs, the sooner we'll find our way through. LOVE & WAR shows couples how to fight for their love and happiness, calling men and women to step into the great adventure God has waiting for them together. Walking alongside John and Stasi Eldredge, every couple can discover how their individual journeys are growing into a story of meaning much greater than anything they could do or be on their own.
242 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 9, 2009
421 people are currently reading
4352 people want to read
About the author
John Eldredge
227 books1,925 followersJohn Eldredge is an American author, counselor, and lecturer on Christianity. He is known for his best-selling book Wild at Heart.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 241 reviews
May 17, 2021
After leaving my marriage of 30 years this book tore my heart. You may question why I'd be crazy enough to read it. I still believe in fabulous marriages as I've seen too many not to believe. I am hopeful that one day I may have a marriage that allows vulnerability, passion and openness like the one explored in this book, even the doing the work to get a marriage this sounds good to me.
This book is a powerful tool to open the creaky doors, for those brave enough to go to the vulnerable places and seek a lavish marriage.
I would encourage couples to read this book every wedding anniversary as a health check and tonic to keep the marriage the best it can be. To couples thinking of marriage I would say drink this book in deeply and discuss the contents at length to determine if you could have this type of marriage. If you can't, then run as the pain of a failed marriage is greater than a broken engagement.
Traditionally I have found Christian books on marriage 'nice' and not much use. This book is 'real' and therefore I find it credible.
I recommend this book as an essential text to anyone in a relationship as a couple.
Footnote: since reading this book I have remarried and experienced the happiest seven years since of my life.
This book is a powerful tool to open the creaky doors, for those brave enough to go to the vulnerable places and seek a lavish marriage.
I would encourage couples to read this book every wedding anniversary as a health check and tonic to keep the marriage the best it can be. To couples thinking of marriage I would say drink this book in deeply and discuss the contents at length to determine if you could have this type of marriage. If you can't, then run as the pain of a failed marriage is greater than a broken engagement.
Traditionally I have found Christian books on marriage 'nice' and not much use. This book is 'real' and therefore I find it credible.
I recommend this book as an essential text to anyone in a relationship as a couple.
Footnote: since reading this book I have remarried and experienced the happiest seven years since of my life.
November 18, 2010
We read this book for our home group (bible study).
Because I generally despise John Eldredge's stuff, I probably never ever would have read this on my own, so I started off w/MAJOR reservations, including: the crap crap crap writing (think of how many incomplete sentences are acceptable for a book written in a candid manner -- then add about a bazillion & you've got this book; potentially shaky theology thanks to more movie illustrations than biblical illustrations; overuse & abuse of certain adjectives such as "fantastic"); his views on gender roles -- which I think are ultimately unhelpful and hurtful in two ways: he probably makes some people who don't fall into his mold of who a man is or who a woman is feel like shit & I think his "theory" puts women in a completely passive role -- which is not how God designed women & it serves to limit a woman's view of what the Holy Spirit can do in & through her life -- which may ultimately serve as a barrier to what God wants to do here on Earth. For real though -- his whole "men want an adventure because of their strength" and "women want to be rescued because of their beauty" approach to gender roles is very very very upsetting to me.
HOWEVER
I think this book has really helped my marriage. God has used it to work on Austin & me in different ways that have brought more peace & honesty into our home. I am so thankful for that. I found the chapters on prayer & the reality that we have an enemy of our soul (and therefore an enemy of our marriage) to be very convicting & enlightening.
This book has changed me for the better -- but I'm still so unsettled by the whole gender role thing & left wondering if the publishers forgot to edit this book.
Because I generally despise John Eldredge's stuff, I probably never ever would have read this on my own, so I started off w/MAJOR reservations, including: the crap crap crap writing (think of how many incomplete sentences are acceptable for a book written in a candid manner -- then add about a bazillion & you've got this book; potentially shaky theology thanks to more movie illustrations than biblical illustrations; overuse & abuse of certain adjectives such as "fantastic"); his views on gender roles -- which I think are ultimately unhelpful and hurtful in two ways: he probably makes some people who don't fall into his mold of who a man is or who a woman is feel like shit & I think his "theory" puts women in a completely passive role -- which is not how God designed women & it serves to limit a woman's view of what the Holy Spirit can do in & through her life -- which may ultimately serve as a barrier to what God wants to do here on Earth. For real though -- his whole "men want an adventure because of their strength" and "women want to be rescued because of their beauty" approach to gender roles is very very very upsetting to me.
HOWEVER
I think this book has really helped my marriage. God has used it to work on Austin & me in different ways that have brought more peace & honesty into our home. I am so thankful for that. I found the chapters on prayer & the reality that we have an enemy of our soul (and therefore an enemy of our marriage) to be very convicting & enlightening.
This book has changed me for the better -- but I'm still so unsettled by the whole gender role thing & left wondering if the publishers forgot to edit this book.
February 29, 2012
Love and War: Finding the Marriage you’ve Dreamed Of
John and Stasi Eldredge
Book Notes
1. Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to blossom without sun and water.
2. In marriage, you have been entrusted with the heart of another human being: loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest.
3. Marriage is going to ask everything of you for:
a. Marriage is hard work; and
b. We are a royal mess
4. We all have a way that we do life: the way we handle pressure, the way we listen, the way we look for happiness, and the way we control our world. This way we do life is called our style of relating.
5. Our style of relating is borne out of brokenness and sin; it is the number one thing that gets in the way of real love and real companionship.
6. God has created an environment that will challenge our style of relating. This environment is called marriage.
7. If we are to be happy in marriage and relationships, we must deal with our brokenness, our sin, and our style of relating.
8. In order to learn how to love, we must have compassion for our spouse’s brokenness. We must also make the 1,000 little choices to turn from our style of relating.
9. We must make the deliberate choice to love.
10. To understand our spouse, we must understand the story of their life. Devote time to hear your spouse’s story.
11. Shift focus of our energy from needing the other person to change to asking God, how do I need to change? Make shift from changing you to changing me.
12. Romance requires free hearts: pressure on the other hand, kills everything in touches.
13. There is all sort of joy to be found in your marriage, once you stop looking to your spouse to make you happy.
14. Create an environment where over time and intentionality, you are nurturing companionship. Every day is unrealistic, once a month is not often enough, it is somewhere in between.
15. Recognize what satan is doing in our lives. Are we actually praying against it on a regular basis?
16. Spiritual attack must be a category you think in, or you will misunderstand more than half of what happens in your marriage.
17. Top three things to help your marriage; find life in God, deal with my brokenness, and learn to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against my marriage.
18. Adventure builds companionship in a marriage; it awakes us from the dulling effect of the daily grind.
19. To cultivate an adventurous marriage, start dreaming a little as a couple. What are we looking forward to together?
20. Write down all the thing we would love to do in the coming year. Do this exercise alone and then come together to talk about your dreams and desires. See what might happen.
21. In order to find a shared adventure, in order to cultivate something beautiful, you have to choose the pace of your life. You have to choose to move toward your spouse with desire and intentionality.
22. A marriage needs a mission. It is essential to a vibrant marriage.
23. Boredom is the death knell for a couple.
24. What you make of your marriage depends on how you look at it.
25. Seek a mission that God has for you. Ask God what He has for us to do as a couple.
26. The law of entropy in a marriage works as follows: all things decline to the lowest common denominator.
27. Making decisions is probably the number one source of stress, tension, anxiety, pouting, manipulation, and argument in marriage.
28. Do not judge motive, you really do not know another person’s motives.
29. The valley of speculation is the enemy’s terrain; so many critical moments turn on interpretation.
30. Fight for a sexual life that is frequent and deeply satisfying for both spouses. Do not surrender this precious gift of God.
John and Stasi Eldredge
Book Notes
1. Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to blossom without sun and water.
2. In marriage, you have been entrusted with the heart of another human being: loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest.
3. Marriage is going to ask everything of you for:
a. Marriage is hard work; and
b. We are a royal mess
4. We all have a way that we do life: the way we handle pressure, the way we listen, the way we look for happiness, and the way we control our world. This way we do life is called our style of relating.
5. Our style of relating is borne out of brokenness and sin; it is the number one thing that gets in the way of real love and real companionship.
6. God has created an environment that will challenge our style of relating. This environment is called marriage.
7. If we are to be happy in marriage and relationships, we must deal with our brokenness, our sin, and our style of relating.
8. In order to learn how to love, we must have compassion for our spouse’s brokenness. We must also make the 1,000 little choices to turn from our style of relating.
9. We must make the deliberate choice to love.
10. To understand our spouse, we must understand the story of their life. Devote time to hear your spouse’s story.
11. Shift focus of our energy from needing the other person to change to asking God, how do I need to change? Make shift from changing you to changing me.
12. Romance requires free hearts: pressure on the other hand, kills everything in touches.
13. There is all sort of joy to be found in your marriage, once you stop looking to your spouse to make you happy.
14. Create an environment where over time and intentionality, you are nurturing companionship. Every day is unrealistic, once a month is not often enough, it is somewhere in between.
15. Recognize what satan is doing in our lives. Are we actually praying against it on a regular basis?
16. Spiritual attack must be a category you think in, or you will misunderstand more than half of what happens in your marriage.
17. Top three things to help your marriage; find life in God, deal with my brokenness, and learn to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against my marriage.
18. Adventure builds companionship in a marriage; it awakes us from the dulling effect of the daily grind.
19. To cultivate an adventurous marriage, start dreaming a little as a couple. What are we looking forward to together?
20. Write down all the thing we would love to do in the coming year. Do this exercise alone and then come together to talk about your dreams and desires. See what might happen.
21. In order to find a shared adventure, in order to cultivate something beautiful, you have to choose the pace of your life. You have to choose to move toward your spouse with desire and intentionality.
22. A marriage needs a mission. It is essential to a vibrant marriage.
23. Boredom is the death knell for a couple.
24. What you make of your marriage depends on how you look at it.
25. Seek a mission that God has for you. Ask God what He has for us to do as a couple.
26. The law of entropy in a marriage works as follows: all things decline to the lowest common denominator.
27. Making decisions is probably the number one source of stress, tension, anxiety, pouting, manipulation, and argument in marriage.
28. Do not judge motive, you really do not know another person’s motives.
29. The valley of speculation is the enemy’s terrain; so many critical moments turn on interpretation.
30. Fight for a sexual life that is frequent and deeply satisfying for both spouses. Do not surrender this precious gift of God.
May 18, 2017
Reading this book for the most part was a great experience. It gave me a lot of great perspective on my upcoming marriage. I took it with a grain of salt like I do with any Christian literature because it is not scripture, it is man's personal interpretation mixed with today's culture. The principles were mostly fantastic, though I would occasionally get uncomfortable with the weight he seemed to place on married life which I thought undermined the worth of single life, not just before marriage but those who never marry. But I thought perhaps it was just my perception. However, toward the end he basically calls unmarried people or those who choose not to have children selfish. That comment disgusted me so much. Single Christians are constantly under pressure to find a mate and get married, and it's because of crap like this. It can make amazing people feel like they are somehow incomplete or less important. But perhaps someone should remind Mr. Eldredge that Paul advised against marriage if you don't want to have an undivided heart. And how frequently do we hear about the wives of the disciples. Almost never. That is because the most important love we can offer is not the love that stays in our little happy homes, but the love we share with our brothers and sisters in Christ and the love we offer the world. This is God's love. Seeking and saving the lost. We are commanded to do some form of this multiple times in scripture. Something not mentioned once in this book. Yet we are not commanded to marry. Yet here they are speaking like it is commandment. Marriage is wonderful gift from God. However, it is not the only way, nor even the most important way to live a fulfilled life. I am so sad that this couple made this statement about selfishness which is perpetuating a lie that breaks the heart of God. Single Christians can be The most unselfish people because they live lives fully devoted to God loving with excellence those who need it most without the distraction of family, completely undivided. That line tainted the entire book for me.
February 6, 2011
This is the most honest book on marriage that I've ever read, and the one that has the most promise to be truly helpful.
I've read marriage books that basically say follow these principles, or just learn these handy techniques, and all your troubles will melt away. And I've read other well-meaning books that are some variation of a Bible lesson: here's what God intends for you to be as a godly husband and wife, so just obey all these verses to guarantee you a picture-perfect relationship.
John & Stasi Eldredge take a different approach: that marriage is hard, and that it is hard because of our own sin & brokenness, and that no principle, technique, or even Bible verse will magically fix the mess that is our souls. Eldredge writes, "So long as we choose to turn a blind eye to how we are fallen as men or women, and to the unique style of relating we have forged out of our sin and brokenness, we will continue to do damage to our marriages."
What is the solution? It is first to realize the nature of the battle and the nature of what marriage can be, then to let God use the crucible of marriage to change you, transform you into the holy man or woman that He has intended you to be, while battling against the Enemy. Eldredge summarizes it thusly:
1. Find life in God.
2. Deal with your brokenness.
3. Learn to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against your marriage.
Love & War contains a lot of Biblical wisdom, a lot of honest, hard, and humorous stories, and a lot of very blunt tell-it-like-it-is in-your-face challenges. It's unlike any other book on marriage I've come across, that lays out the true nature of the soul ugliness behind marital dysfunction, and shows a path to growth and healing. You need this book: for you, for your spouse, for your friends. Get it, read it, and have the courage to move forward with your marriage and your life.
I've read marriage books that basically say follow these principles, or just learn these handy techniques, and all your troubles will melt away. And I've read other well-meaning books that are some variation of a Bible lesson: here's what God intends for you to be as a godly husband and wife, so just obey all these verses to guarantee you a picture-perfect relationship.
John & Stasi Eldredge take a different approach: that marriage is hard, and that it is hard because of our own sin & brokenness, and that no principle, technique, or even Bible verse will magically fix the mess that is our souls. Eldredge writes, "So long as we choose to turn a blind eye to how we are fallen as men or women, and to the unique style of relating we have forged out of our sin and brokenness, we will continue to do damage to our marriages."
What is the solution? It is first to realize the nature of the battle and the nature of what marriage can be, then to let God use the crucible of marriage to change you, transform you into the holy man or woman that He has intended you to be, while battling against the Enemy. Eldredge summarizes it thusly:
1. Find life in God.
2. Deal with your brokenness.
3. Learn to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against your marriage.
Love & War contains a lot of Biblical wisdom, a lot of honest, hard, and humorous stories, and a lot of very blunt tell-it-like-it-is in-your-face challenges. It's unlike any other book on marriage I've come across, that lays out the true nature of the soul ugliness behind marital dysfunction, and shows a path to growth and healing. You need this book: for you, for your spouse, for your friends. Get it, read it, and have the courage to move forward with your marriage and your life.
January 10, 2022
Honestly, I am surprised that I enjoyed this book as much as I did. “Marriage books” have been leaving me super underwhelmed as of late. I feel like a lot of them take a threatening tone, “If you don’t do X, your spouse will get up leave” — which is a horribly damming approach and undermines the sanctity of marriage.
But this book DID NOT threaten, and as a result, the super honest, candid take on marriage (rooted in Christ) made for a refreshing read. Plus, it offered good reminders and insights.
I also liked that it was written by a husband and wife. That was a neat bonus.
But this book DID NOT threaten, and as a result, the super honest, candid take on marriage (rooted in Christ) made for a refreshing read. Plus, it offered good reminders and insights.
I also liked that it was written by a husband and wife. That was a neat bonus.
September 1, 2020
Some parts of this book are good, some parts not so much. I dislike how many marriage books put women in the back seat and this one is no exception. It is a partnership! Overall, there are some decent parts to the book if you can ignore the bad ones.
June 18, 2022
0/5
in theory this should be a good book. in practice this book is a waste of time.
i cannot tell you one practical piece of advice this book gave in a straight-forward way. everything they were trying to say was hidden under layers of their own thoughts and opinions.
not to mention it felt like they were preaching at you the whole time. this book is also a perfect example of authors who narrate their own audiobooks who shouldn’t narrate their own audiobooks.
skip this one and read Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. that book is 1000% worth your time.
oh i would also give this book 0 stars if i could solely based on the line “people who choose to stay single or marry and not have kids are selfish.”
i don’t think i’ll be taking life advice from people who penned that statement.
in theory this should be a good book. in practice this book is a waste of time.
i cannot tell you one practical piece of advice this book gave in a straight-forward way. everything they were trying to say was hidden under layers of their own thoughts and opinions.
not to mention it felt like they were preaching at you the whole time. this book is also a perfect example of authors who narrate their own audiobooks who shouldn’t narrate their own audiobooks.
skip this one and read Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. that book is 1000% worth your time.
oh i would also give this book 0 stars if i could solely based on the line “people who choose to stay single or marry and not have kids are selfish.”
i don’t think i’ll be taking life advice from people who penned that statement.
June 19, 2024
I hated this book.
We read this book in a marriage small group, and I was really excited to learn from it. What I found is a misogynistic male author who is fat phobic and not afraid to write really awful things about how his wife being overweight or failing at diets makes him feel. Seriously at least once in every chapter there is a dig about women who are fat and/or not sticking to a diet. There is even a part where his wife (who is a co-author) talks about how much she hurt her husband by being overweight. It’s maddening and it’s disgusting.
The ONLY reason I’m giving it more than 1 star is because there are 2 chapters that did give some good advice, and I did like the insight.
Skip this one. There is better out there, I’m sure.
We read this book in a marriage small group, and I was really excited to learn from it. What I found is a misogynistic male author who is fat phobic and not afraid to write really awful things about how his wife being overweight or failing at diets makes him feel. Seriously at least once in every chapter there is a dig about women who are fat and/or not sticking to a diet. There is even a part where his wife (who is a co-author) talks about how much she hurt her husband by being overweight. It’s maddening and it’s disgusting.
The ONLY reason I’m giving it more than 1 star is because there are 2 chapters that did give some good advice, and I did like the insight.
Skip this one. There is better out there, I’m sure.
July 9, 2024
There were good things in this book--good reminders to go to prayer about everything, not just generally but specifically, and a needed reminder that satan can try to perpetrate lies and destroy marriages. I appreciated their honesty about their marriage.
But I also found myself kinda concerned by the fact that they're still struggling with the things that they struggled with at the start of their marriage. It's deeply concerning to me that he, as a counselor, dreads asking his wife about her emotions. And reducing men to strength and women to beauty is harmful and I think not biblical. Also I think there is a way to talk about sex inside marriage without giving me this many details and making me extremely uncomfortable...
But I also found myself kinda concerned by the fact that they're still struggling with the things that they struggled with at the start of their marriage. It's deeply concerning to me that he, as a counselor, dreads asking his wife about her emotions. And reducing men to strength and women to beauty is harmful and I think not biblical. Also I think there is a way to talk about sex inside marriage without giving me this many details and making me extremely uncomfortable...
January 18, 2024
I really enjoy John and Stasi's writing. This is a raw and honest picture of their marriage and was helpful for me as a single person (who's dating someone and approaching our one-year dating anniversary).
The only reason this is four stars is because of the chapter that talks about discerning God's voice in making decisions. Not even that I disagree but I have a hard time believing that you can be taught how to hear God's voice when discerning whether or not your son can go on some trip the next day (one of the examples they give). But even then, it was good food for thought.
Overall a good book, and add it to the list of Eldredge books that I really enjoyed!
The only reason this is four stars is because of the chapter that talks about discerning God's voice in making decisions. Not even that I disagree but I have a hard time believing that you can be taught how to hear God's voice when discerning whether or not your son can go on some trip the next day (one of the examples they give). But even then, it was good food for thought.
Overall a good book, and add it to the list of Eldredge books that I really enjoyed!
April 30, 2025
Such a powerful reminder that we were made by God’s love, for love. God’s love remains steady through our failures, distance, and resistance—and marriage is His beautiful gift where we get to practice that same kind of love. In marriage, we experience grace, healing, support, and forgiveness, just as God first offers us. I loved John and Stasi’s honesty and vulnerability throughout the book—it made the message feel real.
June 7, 2019
"We live in a great love story, set in the midst of war."
It isn't earth-shattering, but reading it has been healing and helpful. It was what I needed, when I needed it. And now Levi and I are going through it together.
It isn't earth-shattering, but reading it has been healing and helpful. It was what I needed, when I needed it. And now Levi and I are going through it together.
September 26, 2024
Honestly such a good book—for my married friends!! Read this! The authors are so honest in this book and most of it is written from their experience in marriage which I think makes it really realistic and pretty vulnerable!
October 18, 2019
We are Loved
I just finished reading Love and War. I bought a copy for my Sister. The information they share is life changing. I know God loves me, I just didn’t realize how much. Must Read
I just finished reading Love and War. I bought a copy for my Sister. The information they share is life changing. I know God loves me, I just didn’t realize how much. Must Read
February 27, 2010
Don’t be scared off by the title!
Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge is out just in time for Valentine’s Day. And what else could Love and War be about other than marriage! I mean where else do the terms love and war work so well together? lol. I love my marriage, but sometimes you want to call war because of disagreements.
I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting to get much out of this book. We’ve (Mr. C & I) been together for a long time, so I’ve read a lot of marriage counselling books over the years. But to my surprise I was sobbing by the the end of chapter one. They hit a sore spot for me, and there was no way that I could put this book down. I realized they were talking directly to me… that God was using this book to help me discover some things about myself. I wasn’t expecting to find a book where others knew some of my issues — and the honesty they shared in this book just gripped me because I KNOW!!!! I’ve gone through some of it! I’m not sure I would even call it a counselling book as much as just wisdom from a couple whose walked down the road of marriage for a few years.
I love the humor and candid moments they share in this book. It works well for my personality. I think the main point I got out of this book was that we need God in our marriage and can not rely on each other to replace that empty spot in our own hearts. We can not love each other intensely and fully until we acknowledge the baggage we come into our marriages with no matter how old or how long you’ve been married for. We also need to be aware that our spouse is not the enemy, satan is and he will try and destroy our marriages if he can get a foothold into them (which is quite easy to do for him).
They basically break it down nicely into 3 points you need to get out of this book:
1. Find life in God.
2. Deal with your brokenness.
3. Learn to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against your marriage.
And I totally agree with them. That is so important in a marriage to do those things before worrying about anything else in your life.
While this book works for me I know that some people probably will find this book not as great as I did. They might have a few issues with the humor and the language in a few parts (which I admit I didn’t appreciate either… a “oh my —” used in an example which I don’t think was necessary – chpt. 6 pg 93… not certain if the intent was to present a worldly view… or even taking His name in vein, but I noticed it and thought it was totally out of place in the book, and mention it b/c it may bother other people as well.). I do think however, like all books on marriage and intimate issues, we need to take it with a grain of salt to understand the points they’re getting across — which is having a Christ-centred marriage.
For those of us who have “baggage” issues, this is a great book to work on some of the past and to allow God to shed some light on what you’ve been holding onto. Their experience and honesty within the bounds of marriage and God’s guidance is incredibly touching.
Check out their site: http://www.ransomedheart.com
and even better, check out the first chapter! http://www.ransomedheart.com
A complimentary copy was provided for this review by WaterBrook Multnomah.
Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge is out just in time for Valentine’s Day. And what else could Love and War be about other than marriage! I mean where else do the terms love and war work so well together? lol. I love my marriage, but sometimes you want to call war because of disagreements.
I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting to get much out of this book. We’ve (Mr. C & I) been together for a long time, so I’ve read a lot of marriage counselling books over the years. But to my surprise I was sobbing by the the end of chapter one. They hit a sore spot for me, and there was no way that I could put this book down. I realized they were talking directly to me… that God was using this book to help me discover some things about myself. I wasn’t expecting to find a book where others knew some of my issues — and the honesty they shared in this book just gripped me because I KNOW!!!! I’ve gone through some of it! I’m not sure I would even call it a counselling book as much as just wisdom from a couple whose walked down the road of marriage for a few years.
I love the humor and candid moments they share in this book. It works well for my personality. I think the main point I got out of this book was that we need God in our marriage and can not rely on each other to replace that empty spot in our own hearts. We can not love each other intensely and fully until we acknowledge the baggage we come into our marriages with no matter how old or how long you’ve been married for. We also need to be aware that our spouse is not the enemy, satan is and he will try and destroy our marriages if he can get a foothold into them (which is quite easy to do for him).
They basically break it down nicely into 3 points you need to get out of this book:
1. Find life in God.
2. Deal with your brokenness.
3. Learn to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against your marriage.
And I totally agree with them. That is so important in a marriage to do those things before worrying about anything else in your life.
While this book works for me I know that some people probably will find this book not as great as I did. They might have a few issues with the humor and the language in a few parts (which I admit I didn’t appreciate either… a “oh my —” used in an example which I don’t think was necessary – chpt. 6 pg 93… not certain if the intent was to present a worldly view… or even taking His name in vein, but I noticed it and thought it was totally out of place in the book, and mention it b/c it may bother other people as well.). I do think however, like all books on marriage and intimate issues, we need to take it with a grain of salt to understand the points they’re getting across — which is having a Christ-centred marriage.
For those of us who have “baggage” issues, this is a great book to work on some of the past and to allow God to shed some light on what you’ve been holding onto. Their experience and honesty within the bounds of marriage and God’s guidance is incredibly touching.
Check out their site: http://www.ransomedheart.com
and even better, check out the first chapter! http://www.ransomedheart.com
A complimentary copy was provided for this review by WaterBrook Multnomah.
May 20, 2011
Love & War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage by John & Stasi Eldredge
John and Stasi Eldredge in Love & War let their readers into a secret. Marriage is a battle, it’s more than a battle it’s a war and failure would be devastating. The Eldredges use their own marriage and those they have counseled to detail how this war for your marriage is taking place and strategies in order to win the day. The key principal that they teach is that a couple should include God in their relationship. Only by centering a marriage around God can a couple survive Satan’s attacks and attempts to rip the relationship apart. Additionally, it is only through God’s strength that a couple can overcome the damage caused by the hurts that each member of the partnership brings into the union. In the end, they argue that one of the most important things every marriage needs is healing, healing of the hurts done by others and by each other. They teach that healing can only come by forgiveness.
I went into this book a little apprehensive. I thought Wild at Heart very insightful but also not my typical preferred content. So I went into this book prepared not to enjoy it. Well, I was wrong. I love how the Eldredges focus on marriage as a story, but not just any story but an epic battle between good and evil for your marriage. I believe this imagery speaks to the heart of a man and is more effective in communicating truth than a 12 step self help fix your marriage book. And let’s be honest, it’s likely the husband and the wife that needs to be wooed into reading a book on marriage. Additionally, the chapters do move from topic to topic, but they don’t give us a checklist to fix a marriage but instead show how couples are attacked in different aspects of their marriage and how Jesus can be invited into that particular battle. I find their advice highly practical and realistic, feeling like advice from those that have reached a spiritually mature place in their marriage to those at the earlier steps. They are clear, your marriage will not be perfect, it will not be a fairy tale, it will have ups and down and they are not going to try to convince you otherwise just because you are a Christian. Speaking of realism, I found their discussion on sex honest, transparent and somewhat refreshing in seeing a Christian couple be honest about the need for sex and how they have been sexually disconnected at times and how they have reconnected. If asked today to recommend a book on marriage, I would wholeheartedly reach first for Love & War.
Review Copy Provided by WaterBrook Multnomah
John and Stasi Eldredge in Love & War let their readers into a secret. Marriage is a battle, it’s more than a battle it’s a war and failure would be devastating. The Eldredges use their own marriage and those they have counseled to detail how this war for your marriage is taking place and strategies in order to win the day. The key principal that they teach is that a couple should include God in their relationship. Only by centering a marriage around God can a couple survive Satan’s attacks and attempts to rip the relationship apart. Additionally, it is only through God’s strength that a couple can overcome the damage caused by the hurts that each member of the partnership brings into the union. In the end, they argue that one of the most important things every marriage needs is healing, healing of the hurts done by others and by each other. They teach that healing can only come by forgiveness.
I went into this book a little apprehensive. I thought Wild at Heart very insightful but also not my typical preferred content. So I went into this book prepared not to enjoy it. Well, I was wrong. I love how the Eldredges focus on marriage as a story, but not just any story but an epic battle between good and evil for your marriage. I believe this imagery speaks to the heart of a man and is more effective in communicating truth than a 12 step self help fix your marriage book. And let’s be honest, it’s likely the husband and the wife that needs to be wooed into reading a book on marriage. Additionally, the chapters do move from topic to topic, but they don’t give us a checklist to fix a marriage but instead show how couples are attacked in different aspects of their marriage and how Jesus can be invited into that particular battle. I find their advice highly practical and realistic, feeling like advice from those that have reached a spiritually mature place in their marriage to those at the earlier steps. They are clear, your marriage will not be perfect, it will not be a fairy tale, it will have ups and down and they are not going to try to convince you otherwise just because you are a Christian. Speaking of realism, I found their discussion on sex honest, transparent and somewhat refreshing in seeing a Christian couple be honest about the need for sex and how they have been sexually disconnected at times and how they have reconnected. If asked today to recommend a book on marriage, I would wholeheartedly reach first for Love & War.
Review Copy Provided by WaterBrook Multnomah
January 15, 2010
First let me say that this wasn't necessarily a bad book. It just wasn't that transcendent book I hoped for. There are definitely some good nuggets of wisdom in here for married couples, particularly the bits about prayer and listening to God were mostly good. I thought that they were brutally honest about their own lives and experiences and really drove home that marriage is about two imperfect people living together, so expect some problems to arise. All that was fine.
My issues were that, overall, the book seemed like a rehash of their other books. Not only that, but it seemed like a rehash of the worst parts of some of their previous books. And, again, I think that this book, like Walking with God, comes off as very mechanical--the opposite of an organic life with God. Some of it felt like in order to have a good marriage, complete steps 1-4 and call me in the morning. But I think the worst aspect of the book was that many times the book came across--to me at least--as insincere or token adages they knew they needed to throw in without actually saying them from personal revelation. Their take on spiritual warfare was a bit...off. There was no biblical explanation and it came across as silly, in my opinion (and I do believe in spiritual warfare, btw). There were also points they made--entire chapters--that seemed to be a stretch, and they didn't really back it up with much scriptural exegesis on those points that really needed explanation. There's also the war thing. I'm tired of it. That's been a stretch for far too long now, and I think we need to hang it up. (I probably should've realized that when I read the title!) Then there's there's the epilogue with its plea to spend more money.
I realize that I probably picked it apart worse than I probably should've, but marital books shouldn't be average or below average. These books really should be transcendent. It's already a struggle for many to even want to read books like this, so please, make them good. And make every word count. To be fair, they did quote a lot of scripture, but I think that it was more of an afterthought and not their focus. I wish it were focused on more.
Many people will like this book and it will help them. For them, I'm glad. But for me, there was little substance here.
My issues were that, overall, the book seemed like a rehash of their other books. Not only that, but it seemed like a rehash of the worst parts of some of their previous books. And, again, I think that this book, like Walking with God, comes off as very mechanical--the opposite of an organic life with God. Some of it felt like in order to have a good marriage, complete steps 1-4 and call me in the morning. But I think the worst aspect of the book was that many times the book came across--to me at least--as insincere or token adages they knew they needed to throw in without actually saying them from personal revelation. Their take on spiritual warfare was a bit...off. There was no biblical explanation and it came across as silly, in my opinion (and I do believe in spiritual warfare, btw). There were also points they made--entire chapters--that seemed to be a stretch, and they didn't really back it up with much scriptural exegesis on those points that really needed explanation. There's also the war thing. I'm tired of it. That's been a stretch for far too long now, and I think we need to hang it up. (I probably should've realized that when I read the title!) Then there's there's the epilogue with its plea to spend more money.
I realize that I probably picked it apart worse than I probably should've, but marital books shouldn't be average or below average. These books really should be transcendent. It's already a struggle for many to even want to read books like this, so please, make them good. And make every word count. To be fair, they did quote a lot of scripture, but I think that it was more of an afterthought and not their focus. I wish it were focused on more.
Many people will like this book and it will help them. For them, I'm glad. But for me, there was little substance here.
September 10, 2011
http://wendyalton.blogspot.com/2011/0...
My husband and I were on day 3 of silence when Love & War arrived, and despite my initial excitement when I ordered the book, I was so stubborn in our nasty fight that I refused to pick it up and start reading it. In fact, it wasn't until after 5 days of silence that we somehow recovered, and only then did I reluctantly pick up the book. How foolish was I to be so utterly stubborn. Why in the world would I actually live through 5 days of silence in my marriage? And why in the world would I refuse to read a book that could help?
The answers were clearly revealed to me in Love & War, which is a brutally honest testimonial of how a marriage can not only survive, but flourish. John & Stasi Eldredge share their joys, their pains, and their hurts. It was so refreshing to read about their own struggles and trials--and reassuring that not only are such struggles normal--they can also be overcome.
It was enlightening to read that men want a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. It was also appropriately stated that women want someone to fight for her, an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to offer beauty. Reading about how men and women are different led to understanding how we can make marriage better.
But nothing was more true than this statement: "Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to bloom without sunshine and water." Throughout the book, John and Stasi give guidance on how to keep God the center of your marriage so that your marriage can be not only strong, but absolutely beautiful. However, it is also true that "marriage is fabulously hard.... for everyone." John & Stasi share examples from their own marriage which make the book even more inspiring.
This is a must read for any married couple--whether they are newlyweds or celebrating their silver anniversary. John & Stasi Eldredge have given a goldmine of solid advice, counsel, examples and encouragement in Love & War. And as far as marriage goes, they are absolutely right: "It can be done. And it is worth it."
I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review
My husband and I were on day 3 of silence when Love & War arrived, and despite my initial excitement when I ordered the book, I was so stubborn in our nasty fight that I refused to pick it up and start reading it. In fact, it wasn't until after 5 days of silence that we somehow recovered, and only then did I reluctantly pick up the book. How foolish was I to be so utterly stubborn. Why in the world would I actually live through 5 days of silence in my marriage? And why in the world would I refuse to read a book that could help?
The answers were clearly revealed to me in Love & War, which is a brutally honest testimonial of how a marriage can not only survive, but flourish. John & Stasi Eldredge share their joys, their pains, and their hurts. It was so refreshing to read about their own struggles and trials--and reassuring that not only are such struggles normal--they can also be overcome.
It was enlightening to read that men want a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. It was also appropriately stated that women want someone to fight for her, an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to offer beauty. Reading about how men and women are different led to understanding how we can make marriage better.
But nothing was more true than this statement: "Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to bloom without sunshine and water." Throughout the book, John and Stasi give guidance on how to keep God the center of your marriage so that your marriage can be not only strong, but absolutely beautiful. However, it is also true that "marriage is fabulously hard.... for everyone." John & Stasi share examples from their own marriage which make the book even more inspiring.
This is a must read for any married couple--whether they are newlyweds or celebrating their silver anniversary. John & Stasi Eldredge have given a goldmine of solid advice, counsel, examples and encouragement in Love & War. And as far as marriage goes, they are absolutely right: "It can be done. And it is worth it."
I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review
March 22, 2011
Although I'm not married, I was interested to see what John and Stasi Eldredge would write about marriage after reading Captivating and Wild at Heart. I was continually impressed by the honesty and courage of this couple in exposing the highs and lows of their marriage. I think whenever people have enough bravery to own up to something difficult, it frees those around them to do the same, which leads to more honest communication and greater communities.
I was also impressed by the amount of self-knowledge both John and Stasi have: at one point, they mention the fact that John, in being a perfectionist, carries the wound of "I can't depend on anyone but myself" and Stasi, "I am a disappointment." They discuss how these wounds have challenged their marriage and made it an adventure. How many people really know the primary wound from which they are operating? Even moreso, how many people even realize that there IS a wound? And wouldn't it help communication between married couples if they were to know that the reason one is angry at the other might have something more to do with these wounds than whether he paid the bills on time or put the cap back on the toothpaste? Through this book, I was able to look at interactions I'd had with boyfriends, friends and roommates and see more clearly what was going on from the standpoints of these wounds.
This book challenged and intrigued me by paving the way for truer and deeper communication.
I was also impressed by the amount of self-knowledge both John and Stasi have: at one point, they mention the fact that John, in being a perfectionist, carries the wound of "I can't depend on anyone but myself" and Stasi, "I am a disappointment." They discuss how these wounds have challenged their marriage and made it an adventure. How many people really know the primary wound from which they are operating? Even moreso, how many people even realize that there IS a wound? And wouldn't it help communication between married couples if they were to know that the reason one is angry at the other might have something more to do with these wounds than whether he paid the bills on time or put the cap back on the toothpaste? Through this book, I was able to look at interactions I'd had with boyfriends, friends and roommates and see more clearly what was going on from the standpoints of these wounds.
This book challenged and intrigued me by paving the way for truer and deeper communication.
July 14, 2010
I am not a fan of self-help or how-to books, and I haven't cared much for the Eldredge style. I began reading this book because I value my relationship with my husband. I struggled through the first 3 or 4 chapters. There are comments and stereotypical assumptions about men and women that don't really work well for either me or my husband. But by about the 4th chapter, the authors began developing some very pertinent ideas, looking at relationships and their contexts past and present. I learned a great deal - mostly getting a handle on categories and names of phenomena and dynamics I live and experience but couldn't really identify. The most valuable aspect of this book was that it gave my husband and me topics and ideas for intimate discussions. I read it twice in a row just to get things into my head and to continue the discussions with my husband. I recommend this book, but only to people who are willing to find the good stuff and leave the chaff behind, and who are also willing to do the hard work on yourself that it takes to find the marriage of your dreams.
October 5, 2010
We live in a world where most people don't want to admit that their marriage isn't all "happily ever after" and they wait until it is too late to start talking about it. Love and War was a refreshing breath of reality where even though John and Stasi Eldredge are running a wonderful Christian ministry they let us know that they are just like the rest of us. They don't have a perfect marriage (because, honestly, perfect marriages don't exist), they struggle with many of the same things you and I do, they can annoy each other from time to time and they brought their baggage in to their marriage.
They talk about struggles they have had and how they have dealt with them. And that is what made their marriage stronger, made it last... they dealt with their problems.
You are in a great love story that is set in a great war. Your spouse is not the enemy. You are on the same team. Learn through this book how to fight together instead of against each other. Find comfort in knowing that you are not the only one who has a marriage that isn't all fairy tales. Get wisdom. Get the book!
They talk about struggles they have had and how they have dealt with them. And that is what made their marriage stronger, made it last... they dealt with their problems.
You are in a great love story that is set in a great war. Your spouse is not the enemy. You are on the same team. Learn through this book how to fight together instead of against each other. Find comfort in knowing that you are not the only one who has a marriage that isn't all fairy tales. Get wisdom. Get the book!
January 16, 2016
The Eldredge's give insight in this book that is not found in ANY other marriage resource I've seen. I value their honesty about hard times in their marriage, and I believe that their advice and encouragement will change (and already has begun to change) my marriage for the better.
The book is about how eternally important marriage is, how a strong marriage is one of the things Satan hates the most. Sometimes when we fight, we are in the middle of a spiritual battle, and John and Stasi remind the readers to pray during these times.
I have read many books and articles prior to being married, several during my first year of marriage, and several specifically addressing conflict in marriage, and this one has been the most significant and the most impactful. I would recommend the book to any married couple who has realized they're no longer in the "honeymoon" phase and feel like something is wrong or that maybe they made a mistake getting married to this person at that time or that they can't do this anymore. Seriously, read this book.
The book is about how eternally important marriage is, how a strong marriage is one of the things Satan hates the most. Sometimes when we fight, we are in the middle of a spiritual battle, and John and Stasi remind the readers to pray during these times.
I have read many books and articles prior to being married, several during my first year of marriage, and several specifically addressing conflict in marriage, and this one has been the most significant and the most impactful. I would recommend the book to any married couple who has realized they're no longer in the "honeymoon" phase and feel like something is wrong or that maybe they made a mistake getting married to this person at that time or that they can't do this anymore. Seriously, read this book.
September 7, 2024
This book combines the ideas of both of their books to men and women... Women want to know they're beautiful and men want to knows they're strong.
They claim that almost every issue in marriage is due to spiritual warfare and it's Satan attacking you, never your spouse. They do say to physically separate yourself when your spouse is abusive, but overall divorce is not an option. The authors claim that God lures us into marriage with false promises but really wants to shape our character. People who don't want to marry or have kids are called egoistical.
This book does not contain helpful advice and is ridiculously gendered. Not every bad thing that happens to you is spiritual warfare, and not everything your spouse does is because Satan controls him like a puppet. Prayer is not a cure-all.
They claim that almost every issue in marriage is due to spiritual warfare and it's Satan attacking you, never your spouse. They do say to physically separate yourself when your spouse is abusive, but overall divorce is not an option. The authors claim that God lures us into marriage with false promises but really wants to shape our character. People who don't want to marry or have kids are called egoistical.
This book does not contain helpful advice and is ridiculously gendered. Not every bad thing that happens to you is spiritual warfare, and not everything your spouse does is because Satan controls him like a puppet. Prayer is not a cure-all.
November 27, 2010
My fiancé and I went through this book together as a weekly devotional. We both found it to be very challenging and a great filter to sift our relationship through. In doing so we have found areas of weakness, great strength, as well as many areas of common ground, all of which have helped us grow and gain a deeper knowledge about each others' heart and soul. It became an excellent tool to find out what the honest condition of each others' spiritual life really is.
I find the book to be very real. John and Staci make no attempt to build themselves up, and openly share the deep and even intimate struggles they have faced in their relationship. They did an excellent job of leveling with the reader on a physical and mental level, not to mention a spiritual level.
I find the book to be very real. John and Staci make no attempt to build themselves up, and openly share the deep and even intimate struggles they have faced in their relationship. They did an excellent job of leveling with the reader on a physical and mental level, not to mention a spiritual level.
October 3, 2013
The authors really meant the "war" part of the title. Their thesis is that human marriage so thoroughly reflects God's character and His plan for Christ and the Church that it MUST be at the center of Satan's attack. As such, we are not to be surprised that our marriage is warred against. The surprise, it turns out, is that so many of us don't recognize the war or fight it as such. We tend to agree with the falsehoods the enemy offers to our minds to readily and to the evermore unreliable conclusions they lead to. We then avoid areas of tension rather than praying against areas of spiritual interference, and our marriages grow perpetually weaker. This book will certainly inspire the prayer life of any couple or married individual that is paying attention to it.
December 28, 2010
It's not like the Eldgedges are saying totally new stuff. This book sounds strangely familiar to other things they've written. But it's being applied to a very specific and important context.
Gave us vocab to talk about significant, mysterious things that play into our relationship. A great way to start off our marriage. I'd totally recommend it. We read it with our home community.
Gave us vocab to talk about significant, mysterious things that play into our relationship. A great way to start off our marriage. I'd totally recommend it. We read it with our home community.
September 19, 2013
My husband & I read this together & both loved it! Stark realism, humility, and a wonderful perspective about the war that all marriages face as we glorify God through our relationships! Highly recommend! Greg & I will be doing a bible study for couples based on this series. We are going to read it again...chapter by chapter to discuss more in depth together! Fight for your marriage!
September 24, 2014
I did think that this book is better than the other two I've read by them (Wild at Heart and Captivating). I find them overly dependent on emotion and personal revelation and under-committed to the Bible and what God has actually said about things. Strong exhortation for married couples to be praying together was a high point of the book.
September 6, 2015
This was a great, great book for the season of marriage in which I find myself! Very encouraging & insightful! I loved every chapter. There is so much in this book, I think I would benefit from reading it again!
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