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Families Where Grace Is in Place: Building a Home Free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame
Now updated with discussion guides for families and small groups, Families Where Grace Is in Place continues to minister to couples and parents nearly twenty years after it was first published. Using his professional and personal experience, VanVonderen shows readers how to nurture God-honoring relationships free of manipulation, legalism, and shame. This book is a practical and insightful discussion on living a graceful life and building a strong and happy home using God's tools.
192 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1992
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 77 reviews
November 13, 2021
Where do I begin? This is without a doubt the best book that I have ever read on the Home and Family and it’s not even close. I also think it’s safe to say that this book makes it into my top five best books that I’ve ever read. VanVonderen writes in a manner that is very scripture-based, Christ centered and engaging. I also found it interesting that he was one of the original interventionists on A & E’s show “Intervention”. I don’t use this term much, but this book is life-changing. I actually had to repent and get some things right in my own heart and family. This is a must read book.
May 26, 2019
Families Where Grace is in Place is SO GOOD. It helps provide a solid and healthy foundation for how you view parenting and marriage (and other) relationships. The crucial mindset shift is going from one where you’re trying to control others to one where you realize you can only control yourself, and that frees you up to have a home of grace where mistakes are welcome, performance doesn’t determine your kids’ worth, and everyone can have mature and healthy relationships.
My only quibbles were that I didn’t agree with all of his exegesis, and I also think that in some places what he called “consequences” were really punishments (which there are excellent reasons to avoid); going fully non-punitive fits very well with mindset but his examples weren’t quite there.
My only quibbles were that I didn’t agree with all of his exegesis, and I also think that in some places what he called “consequences” were really punishments (which there are excellent reasons to avoid); going fully non-punitive fits very well with mindset but his examples weren’t quite there.
January 11, 2013
I wish every baby was sent home from the hospital with a copy of this book. As parents of four preschoolers, my husband and I are just now trying to shape our philosophy of parenting and figure what our goals as parents are and why. This book really gave words to what was in our hearts for our boys. In particular, we really appreciate the author's point that the goal is not simply raising well-behaved kids. He writes, "In controlling, shaming families, love and acceptance come as a reward for jumping through certain behavioral hoops." And this has certainly been the case in some of the families that we have observed over the years.
In another chapter, "Parenting is NOT like training a dog... Training animals is mostly about behavior modification, teaching them how to respond in relation to punishments and rewards. Parenting is about discipling or teaching children to make understanding choices out of wisdom."
As a result of reading this book, my husband and I were able to really cement what it is we are trying to accomplish as parenting in our minds and hearts. We have also seen a change in the way we interact with our children. Instead of just telling them what to do/what not to do, we're learning to instruct and try to explain as best we can why and what the consequences of their choices will be, and allow them the autonomy to make those choices all the while making sure they know that they are loved and accepted regardless of their choice.
I can't say enough about this book. It was exactly what we needed!
In another chapter, "Parenting is NOT like training a dog... Training animals is mostly about behavior modification, teaching them how to respond in relation to punishments and rewards. Parenting is about discipling or teaching children to make understanding choices out of wisdom."
As a result of reading this book, my husband and I were able to really cement what it is we are trying to accomplish as parenting in our minds and hearts. We have also seen a change in the way we interact with our children. Instead of just telling them what to do/what not to do, we're learning to instruct and try to explain as best we can why and what the consequences of their choices will be, and allow them the autonomy to make those choices all the while making sure they know that they are loved and accepted regardless of their choice.
I can't say enough about this book. It was exactly what we needed!
September 18, 2018
Because Mark and I both came from shame-based religious backgrounds (mine was much more extreme!), as our kids our getting older I wanted us to have a resource that we could discuss and make sure we're on the same page with our parenting. A good friend recommended this one, and it was an excellent place to start. Because it's covering families, about half is about marriage, with the other half is on parenting. I would have loved for it to be all parenting, but I can see why marriage was addressed also. It's hard to have grace-based parenting if your marriage is performance-based.
This is not a parenting book with examples and a lot of how-to, but instead focuses on address our motivations and goals in our family relationships. The chapters on marriage could have been more in-depth for my liking, but I could see how they could fundamentally shift ideas and attitudes (in a good way) if you come from a conservative Christian background.
Likewise, I wish the parenting chapters were longer, mainly because the way the author explained and pried apart problematic issues for parents was so insightful. It shifted my perspective on a few things, and I plan to reread a few chapters.
This is not a parenting book with examples and a lot of how-to, but instead focuses on address our motivations and goals in our family relationships. The chapters on marriage could have been more in-depth for my liking, but I could see how they could fundamentally shift ideas and attitudes (in a good way) if you come from a conservative Christian background.
Likewise, I wish the parenting chapters were longer, mainly because the way the author explained and pried apart problematic issues for parents was so insightful. It shifted my perspective on a few things, and I plan to reread a few chapters.
October 31, 2013
This book is exactly what I needed to put teeth into the thoughts and philosophies swirling around my head and heart. Conceptually I think I understand what a grace filled family should look like, but in practice and in truth, I have no idea. This book helps me understand it better and reminds me of WHY I'm working so hard to change my parenting practices. It's more philosophy than "how-to" but there is a little of that, mostly examples from his own parenting journey.
July 2, 2012
This book is wonderful! A great resource for learning to live in grace-full relationship in your home. Finding your worth in Christ and not in your behavior or the behavior of your spouse or kids. I will be recommending and re-reading this one often!
January 8, 2019
Recently read this through a second time, this time aloud to my husband. It was just as good the second time and will likely need a refresher again in a few years. Excellent principles of grace and respect and how to apply them in marriage, parenting, and family life.
July 7, 2008
This is absolutely the best book on parenting I've ever read, and I've read my share. I'd say more but all I really have to say is this: get your hands on a copy of this book and read it.
November 19, 2020
Actual rating probably more like 3.5 🌟
The author made a LOT of really good points about family relationships.
Families should offer grace. Parents should train their children to be responsible and serve God from their hearts. Spouses should gain true fulfillment from God, not each other.
Sometimes I felt his points were valid, but I wasn't quite sure how to put them into practice. I'd love to have a back and forth conversation with this author because I think that would be a better format for sharing these ideas. I think it would be much clearer in a back and forth conversation. It wasn't a hard read. I'm just not sure writing is this guy's strong suit.
I'm genuinely glad I read this book, but I'm not sure I'd buy or re-read it.
The author made a LOT of really good points about family relationships.
Families should offer grace. Parents should train their children to be responsible and serve God from their hearts. Spouses should gain true fulfillment from God, not each other.
Sometimes I felt his points were valid, but I wasn't quite sure how to put them into practice. I'd love to have a back and forth conversation with this author because I think that would be a better format for sharing these ideas. I think it would be much clearer in a back and forth conversation. It wasn't a hard read. I'm just not sure writing is this guy's strong suit.
I'm genuinely glad I read this book, but I'm not sure I'd buy or re-read it.
November 11, 2019
A fantastic book for parents and couples without children. A must-read for every family. This was exactly the book I was looking for on parenting. Learn how to discipline your child without manipulation and punishing. Learn to express your emotions instead of stuffing them down and not feeling them. And learn how to empower your child to solve conflict and embrace their emotions as well. This is all about being a healthy family. And I couldn't recommend it enough.
August 24, 2025
There is a lot of profound insight in this book, and I wish I would have had it 30 years ago when we became parents. One of the things I appreciate most is that it talks about principles and who we are as parents and spouses, not so much about figuring out the magic bullet of how to have a perfect family.
May 17, 2022
A parenting/marriage book that is based on God’s teaching and Jesus’ grace. You know when you feel like you’re doing it wrong but you don’t know how to do it right? This book finally explains how to do it right. I’m so thankful I read this book so I can better love my children and family!
September 25, 2022
A friend recommended this and the title was what moved me to finally read it, and while it's a bit "old fashioned" in it's look (originally published 1992 and republished 2010), but the overall message is timeless and so freeing. The emphasis on the gospel and grace is life-giving and so encouraging. While the author says it's more theory and less practical, I found it quite practical as it addresses the heart and thought processes that shape healthy marriages and parents. It's basically a primer on gospel-driven boundaries.
Two hesitations, first is that it is endorsed by Bill Hybels. Divorce is discussed as an option for some dysfunctional marriages though always in a negative light making it a black and white issue with no discussion of what abuse does in families.
Lots of quotes I want to remember!
Introduction
p. 14 "God's job is to fix and to change. Our job is to depend, serve, and equip. This is the work of grace. And it is more restful than you can imagine."
Chapter 2 Curse-full Relationships
Aspects of "curse-full" relationships:
C-Controlling
U-Unforgiving
R-Reactive
S-Shaming
E-Ego-Driven
p. 51 Discussing the "deny" alternative often used with a problem. "...because most of us feel it is our job to keep each other happy by means of our good behavior, whether or not our partner gives us the real love and acceptance we need. We refuse to confront and issue because we might hurt the person or make him mad. We don't realize this is a sad effort to control the behavior or feelings of others."
Chapter 4 When a Marriage Doesn't Work
p. 60 'When anyone 'submits' outwardly in order to escape fear, ease guilt, or 'prove' their spirituality, there is no real submission. Tree submission releases us from fear, helps us face and change behaviors that make us guilty, and causes us to grow stronger in spirit."
Chapter 6 Recycling the Curse
p. 81 "People become unhealthy when their outside fails to match their inside. Consequently, health means learning to live consistently on the outside with what is on the inside."
Introduction to Part II Families "by the book"
p. 86 "As you become rightly related to God, by His grace, He will lead you in modeling the spiritual life, and in training your children how to live happy, free, fruitful lives."
Chapter 7 A Real Marriage
p. 88 "Our job... is not to drive each other to perform well but rather to learn God's plan."
Chapter 8 Parenting Means Controlling Ourselves
p. 98 "Trying to control others is the first manifestations of the curse in relationships. And learning to control ourselves is the foundation stone in grace-full parenting."
This entire chapter has a very good explanation for the first of Ephesians 6. "Paul is not placing us in charge of controlling our children's anger, and some parents today mistakenly see it as their job to keep children happy all the time. Paul is placing us in charge of whether we provoke anger or not."
p. 107 is full of truth regarding not violating children's boundaries, not making children share their own things, and truly listening (i.e. giving a child a chance to defend their innocence to communicate trust and teach them to speak up.
Chapter 9 Building Faith Into Your Children
p. 111 focuses on Eph 6:4 "Most Christian parents focus on the words discipline and instruction, and overlook the bring up part. 'Bring up' has uplifting, nurturing, serving connotations. We are not to beat down or force into. It is not our job to turn our children into Christian replicas of Pavlov's dogs, barking out the right Bible verse for every occasion. Rather, we are to build them into deeply faithful adults."
p. 115 "Our job as Christian parents is simply to draw our children's attention to what is real-what is true-and not to try to control how they feel."
p. 118 "This is the message we must pass on. Have one God. Don't try to get your inner needs met from a bunch of puny, substitute, false gods. Love and be loved by our one, true God, with every ounce of strength."
p. 122 "Pass on to your children the treasure of knowing how to hold on to Jesus Christ-to the life and value that come from believing in His love for us. This is our children's most important fight. And we as Christian parents are their most significant allies."
Chapter 10 Freeing Your Children's Hearts
p. 124 "As Christian parents, we can best help our children by honoring their individuality and by building on the ways God has made them different from one another."
p. 125 I love this chapter's encouragement to train up a child in his own way "not creating an environment conducive to the behavioral results you want. It's not about programming behaviors."
Create an environment in which thy can:
learn to respect their own sexuality and that of others.
learn to become competent at their developmental jobs.
learn to live consistently with their unique identity as people.
learn to live consistently with their identity in Christ.
p. 130 "Though most Christian parents have been trained to balk at this concept, it is our job to help them develop a strong no."
p. 136 "Your first responsibility as a parent is to take care of yourself. A cared-for parent who knows how to rest in God is a more adequate resources to family members, and less likely to resort to control and manipulation in an attempt to find satisfaction from the performance of others."
Chapter 11 Equipping Without Tripping
p. 141 "When we as parents are over-responsibly for their behavior of our children (and under-responsible for our own behavior as parents), we disempower our children. We prevent them from becoming capable, we enable them to not be responsible for their behavior and we provoke them to seething hostility. This kind of parenting causes the little ones to stumble because it creates an environment in which the children learn to perform in order to be loved and accepted. Love and acceptance is a gift because of Jesus; it cannot be earned."
p. 144 "The problem with our children is not the presence of bad things on the outside. It is the absence of spiritual, emotional, and psychological strength on the inside."
p. 145 "In a curse-full relationships, rules and performance take the place of people and needs. In a family that seeks to be a place of grace, relationships are there to make sense of the rules: Interaction is there to make sense of the way we need to perform to be successful at growing in maturity."
p. 148 "What a great net grace is. It makes it safe to try. The family that offers grace sends a message that failure is not the end of the story."
Introduction Part III Families Where Grace Is in Place
p. 151 "When the adults know they are loved and accepted by God, they do not have to try to draw fulfillment from the good performance of their children."
Chapter 12 A Grace-full Family
1. Out-loud affirming (vs. out-loud shaming)
2. People-oriented (vs performance-oriented)
3. Out-loud rules and expectations
4. Communication is clear and straight (vs. coding)
5. God is the Source (vs. idolatry)
6. Children are enjoyed (vs. giving the kids a hard time)
7. Responsibility and accountability (vs. fault and blame)
8. "Head skills" are used for learning (vs. "head skills" used for defending)
9. Feelings are valid and useful (vs. weak on "heart skills")
10. It's OK for outsides to match insides (vs. empty people learning to act full)
"Because God is involved, you don't have to panic: The story is not over, even if it doesn't look too good right now."
Chapter 14 The Grace-full Parent
p. 183 "Do not give consequences in order to threaten children into acting the way you want them to... this promotes compliance and people-pleasing, not wise decision-making. Children who learn to avoid pain at all costs become adults who are afraid to try new things."
p. 186 "It is work to create and follow through with consequences, but not as much as thinking and acting like it's your job to control the actions of your children. Pick your work."
When children misbehave ask, "Which need are they trying to meet with this behavior? By asking yourself this important question, you are becoming a parent to your child's inner needs, not just a trainer and controller of outward behaviors."
p. 191 "Do I mirror Jesus, whose stance toward them is one of unconditional love, who reminds them of their profound worth, and who offers the support they need in order to live?"
Two hesitations, first is that it is endorsed by Bill Hybels. Divorce is discussed as an option for some dysfunctional marriages though always in a negative light making it a black and white issue with no discussion of what abuse does in families.
Lots of quotes I want to remember!
Introduction
p. 14 "God's job is to fix and to change. Our job is to depend, serve, and equip. This is the work of grace. And it is more restful than you can imagine."
Chapter 2 Curse-full Relationships
Aspects of "curse-full" relationships:
C-Controlling
U-Unforgiving
R-Reactive
S-Shaming
E-Ego-Driven
p. 51 Discussing the "deny" alternative often used with a problem. "...because most of us feel it is our job to keep each other happy by means of our good behavior, whether or not our partner gives us the real love and acceptance we need. We refuse to confront and issue because we might hurt the person or make him mad. We don't realize this is a sad effort to control the behavior or feelings of others."
Chapter 4 When a Marriage Doesn't Work
p. 60 'When anyone 'submits' outwardly in order to escape fear, ease guilt, or 'prove' their spirituality, there is no real submission. Tree submission releases us from fear, helps us face and change behaviors that make us guilty, and causes us to grow stronger in spirit."
Chapter 6 Recycling the Curse
p. 81 "People become unhealthy when their outside fails to match their inside. Consequently, health means learning to live consistently on the outside with what is on the inside."
Introduction to Part II Families "by the book"
p. 86 "As you become rightly related to God, by His grace, He will lead you in modeling the spiritual life, and in training your children how to live happy, free, fruitful lives."
Chapter 7 A Real Marriage
p. 88 "Our job... is not to drive each other to perform well but rather to learn God's plan."
Chapter 8 Parenting Means Controlling Ourselves
p. 98 "Trying to control others is the first manifestations of the curse in relationships. And learning to control ourselves is the foundation stone in grace-full parenting."
This entire chapter has a very good explanation for the first of Ephesians 6. "Paul is not placing us in charge of controlling our children's anger, and some parents today mistakenly see it as their job to keep children happy all the time. Paul is placing us in charge of whether we provoke anger or not."
p. 107 is full of truth regarding not violating children's boundaries, not making children share their own things, and truly listening (i.e. giving a child a chance to defend their innocence to communicate trust and teach them to speak up.
Chapter 9 Building Faith Into Your Children
p. 111 focuses on Eph 6:4 "Most Christian parents focus on the words discipline and instruction, and overlook the bring up part. 'Bring up' has uplifting, nurturing, serving connotations. We are not to beat down or force into. It is not our job to turn our children into Christian replicas of Pavlov's dogs, barking out the right Bible verse for every occasion. Rather, we are to build them into deeply faithful adults."
p. 115 "Our job as Christian parents is simply to draw our children's attention to what is real-what is true-and not to try to control how they feel."
p. 118 "This is the message we must pass on. Have one God. Don't try to get your inner needs met from a bunch of puny, substitute, false gods. Love and be loved by our one, true God, with every ounce of strength."
p. 122 "Pass on to your children the treasure of knowing how to hold on to Jesus Christ-to the life and value that come from believing in His love for us. This is our children's most important fight. And we as Christian parents are their most significant allies."
Chapter 10 Freeing Your Children's Hearts
p. 124 "As Christian parents, we can best help our children by honoring their individuality and by building on the ways God has made them different from one another."
p. 125 I love this chapter's encouragement to train up a child in his own way "not creating an environment conducive to the behavioral results you want. It's not about programming behaviors."
Create an environment in which thy can:
learn to respect their own sexuality and that of others.
learn to become competent at their developmental jobs.
learn to live consistently with their unique identity as people.
learn to live consistently with their identity in Christ.
p. 130 "Though most Christian parents have been trained to balk at this concept, it is our job to help them develop a strong no."
p. 136 "Your first responsibility as a parent is to take care of yourself. A cared-for parent who knows how to rest in God is a more adequate resources to family members, and less likely to resort to control and manipulation in an attempt to find satisfaction from the performance of others."
Chapter 11 Equipping Without Tripping
p. 141 "When we as parents are over-responsibly for their behavior of our children (and under-responsible for our own behavior as parents), we disempower our children. We prevent them from becoming capable, we enable them to not be responsible for their behavior and we provoke them to seething hostility. This kind of parenting causes the little ones to stumble because it creates an environment in which the children learn to perform in order to be loved and accepted. Love and acceptance is a gift because of Jesus; it cannot be earned."
p. 144 "The problem with our children is not the presence of bad things on the outside. It is the absence of spiritual, emotional, and psychological strength on the inside."
p. 145 "In a curse-full relationships, rules and performance take the place of people and needs. In a family that seeks to be a place of grace, relationships are there to make sense of the rules: Interaction is there to make sense of the way we need to perform to be successful at growing in maturity."
p. 148 "What a great net grace is. It makes it safe to try. The family that offers grace sends a message that failure is not the end of the story."
Introduction Part III Families Where Grace Is in Place
p. 151 "When the adults know they are loved and accepted by God, they do not have to try to draw fulfillment from the good performance of their children."
Chapter 12 A Grace-full Family
1. Out-loud affirming (vs. out-loud shaming)
2. People-oriented (vs performance-oriented)
3. Out-loud rules and expectations
4. Communication is clear and straight (vs. coding)
5. God is the Source (vs. idolatry)
6. Children are enjoyed (vs. giving the kids a hard time)
7. Responsibility and accountability (vs. fault and blame)
8. "Head skills" are used for learning (vs. "head skills" used for defending)
9. Feelings are valid and useful (vs. weak on "heart skills")
10. It's OK for outsides to match insides (vs. empty people learning to act full)
"Because God is involved, you don't have to panic: The story is not over, even if it doesn't look too good right now."
Chapter 14 The Grace-full Parent
p. 183 "Do not give consequences in order to threaten children into acting the way you want them to... this promotes compliance and people-pleasing, not wise decision-making. Children who learn to avoid pain at all costs become adults who are afraid to try new things."
p. 186 "It is work to create and follow through with consequences, but not as much as thinking and acting like it's your job to control the actions of your children. Pick your work."
When children misbehave ask, "Which need are they trying to meet with this behavior? By asking yourself this important question, you are becoming a parent to your child's inner needs, not just a trainer and controller of outward behaviors."
p. 191 "Do I mirror Jesus, whose stance toward them is one of unconditional love, who reminds them of their profound worth, and who offers the support they need in order to live?"
November 13, 2016
I liked this book but wanted more from it. VanVoderen is a pastor and counselor as well as father to four daughters, so he has a lot of experience to draw on. He starts by describing the problems in many marriages and how this comes from looking to the other person for fulfilment rather than to God. Fair enough. He talks about how this extends to parenting. Then he goes on a long explanation of Scripture to challenge the notion that men are supposed to rule over their wives. He talks about problems with traditional approaches to parenting and how we should think about parenting instead. Then he briefly revisits marriage, but more to talk about other problems that stem from messages we get from society, before ending with more positive parenting examples.
There were a lot of good parts to the book, and I don't disagree with his parenting philosophy, although I think what it boils down to is not that different from secular books like Parent Effectiveness Training. The Christianese will be a bit much for some, and he kind of pays lip service to the idea of men and women being fundamentally different without explaining it very well. (His only explanation involves a story of how his nephew approaches vacation differently than his daughters, which didn't seem to me to be definitively tied to gender or sex in any way.)
Where I thought the book fell short was in exploring "grace-full" marriage as deeply as he does parenting. He lays out the problem pretty well at the beginning, but then implies that most of the issues stem from mistakenly believing that the Bible says men should rule over women. That's not my own experience, so that doesn't help me. He gives one example in the beginning that resonated with me, about a wife who has to do all the household management, but in that example the husband wasn't just oblivious, he was a television addict who yelled at his kids. And VanVoderen never revisits his earlier examples, so at the end of the book I still wasn't exactly sure what his recommendation was (besides to talk about it, which doesn't solve everything). Is he saying the wife should continue to be responsible for everything and wear herself out because she can't control her husband? There seems to be a logical disconnect somewhere with the idea that "If you're upset because you're doing all the housework, you should remember that your value comes from God and not your spouse."
Anyway, I thought the book was pretty good, and it would probably be helpful for people coming from more complementarian backgrounds looking for a different way. If that's not you, and if you're mostly looking for the parenting advice (the most fleshed out part of the book), I'd first recommend Parent Effectiveness Training or Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.
There were a lot of good parts to the book, and I don't disagree with his parenting philosophy, although I think what it boils down to is not that different from secular books like Parent Effectiveness Training. The Christianese will be a bit much for some, and he kind of pays lip service to the idea of men and women being fundamentally different without explaining it very well. (His only explanation involves a story of how his nephew approaches vacation differently than his daughters, which didn't seem to me to be definitively tied to gender or sex in any way.)
Where I thought the book fell short was in exploring "grace-full" marriage as deeply as he does parenting. He lays out the problem pretty well at the beginning, but then implies that most of the issues stem from mistakenly believing that the Bible says men should rule over women. That's not my own experience, so that doesn't help me. He gives one example in the beginning that resonated with me, about a wife who has to do all the household management, but in that example the husband wasn't just oblivious, he was a television addict who yelled at his kids. And VanVoderen never revisits his earlier examples, so at the end of the book I still wasn't exactly sure what his recommendation was (besides to talk about it, which doesn't solve everything). Is he saying the wife should continue to be responsible for everything and wear herself out because she can't control her husband? There seems to be a logical disconnect somewhere with the idea that "If you're upset because you're doing all the housework, you should remember that your value comes from God and not your spouse."
Anyway, I thought the book was pretty good, and it would probably be helpful for people coming from more complementarian backgrounds looking for a different way. If that's not you, and if you're mostly looking for the parenting advice (the most fleshed out part of the book), I'd first recommend Parent Effectiveness Training or Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.
March 14, 2011
This was in many ways a helpful book. VanVonderen provides a helpful corrective to the all-too-common family life of conservative Christians. He argues that these families preach a gospel of grace, but live according to a gospel of works where family members are required to perform certain "Christian" doctrines or believe certain things before they receive love and acceptance. He argues that this is a chief reason Christian parents have such trouble with their kids; the kids learned the unspoken theology that external actions are more important than who you are, that "living up" to the standards or expectations of others is more important than actually loving others. He argues that this sort of externalism leads to great swaths of people who look fulfilled on the outside because they "do" all the right things, but who are internally starved of love and affection, and who are desperate to live up to the external standards in order to find love, affection, acceptance, and ultimately the definition of their very identity.
Instead, VanVonderen argues that families need to take much more time to understand the purpose of families. A father's job is not to change his family; a father's job is to preach the gospel through word and deed to his family, and to point his family to Christ, who alone can be the agent of change, change that is internal and genuine. He argues that our personal identity is not dependent upon the opinions of men, but is instead defined by Christ. We are valued, loved, accepted human beings not because we "do" all the things that Jesus wants us to do, but because of the free mercy of the Cross. And that identity will never change, no matter how badly we fail to live up to it. But, on the other side of things, because we know we are eternally loved by God, we will try to live the way He wants because we can see that His opinion of us will never change. Thus, the "standards" of Christian living come from within, and are not forced from the surface down.
This said, the book is far from perfect, and some of his child discipline suggestions will have to be taken with a grain of salt. He correctly argues that we need to take the personality of each child into account when dealing with them, but he then goes on to say that one of his girls would be told to go put things on the shelf and then get distracted and it wouldn't get done. His conclusion was that the child simply didn't have any interest in putting things on shelves, and therefore shouldn't be forced to do so. Well, I can appreciate the point, but we all have to do things we don't like to do.
So, a mixed bag with a lot of helpful suggestions for how to orient the spiritual atmosphere of your home.
Instead, VanVonderen argues that families need to take much more time to understand the purpose of families. A father's job is not to change his family; a father's job is to preach the gospel through word and deed to his family, and to point his family to Christ, who alone can be the agent of change, change that is internal and genuine. He argues that our personal identity is not dependent upon the opinions of men, but is instead defined by Christ. We are valued, loved, accepted human beings not because we "do" all the things that Jesus wants us to do, but because of the free mercy of the Cross. And that identity will never change, no matter how badly we fail to live up to it. But, on the other side of things, because we know we are eternally loved by God, we will try to live the way He wants because we can see that His opinion of us will never change. Thus, the "standards" of Christian living come from within, and are not forced from the surface down.
This said, the book is far from perfect, and some of his child discipline suggestions will have to be taken with a grain of salt. He correctly argues that we need to take the personality of each child into account when dealing with them, but he then goes on to say that one of his girls would be told to go put things on the shelf and then get distracted and it wouldn't get done. His conclusion was that the child simply didn't have any interest in putting things on shelves, and therefore shouldn't be forced to do so. Well, I can appreciate the point, but we all have to do things we don't like to do.
So, a mixed bag with a lot of helpful suggestions for how to orient the spiritual atmosphere of your home.
November 11, 2014
This is not another how-to-have-a-perfect-family book. In Van-Vonderen’s own words, “this book is more about learning the right job, and less about learning new techniques. The first step is easy – if we will do it: We must learn the simple difference between God’s job and ours. God’s job is to fix and change. Our job is to depend, serve, and equip.” (p. 15)
The book recounts the differences between grace-filled families and families that shame their loved ones into good behavior. The author uses the labels “grace-full” and “curse-full”. By curse he doesn’t mean that family members curse each other, but that they live by behavior patterns that are a result of the fall. After Adam and Eve rejected God’s plan for them to live in perfect relationship with Him (and each other), human relationships became power-oriented. Curse-full families try to control the behavior of spouses and children. Grace-full families slowly release parental control by training their kids to make good choices.
While there are no earth shattering truths in Families Where Grace Is in Place, the book offers much food for thought. For instance, VanVonderen points out that children have three basic needs: to know they are loved with no strings attached, to know that they are valuable and capable, and to know that they are not alone to face life. Within the context of meeting these needs parents give their children the skills they need to live healthy lives that are pleasing to God. (It’s tempting to think that “perfect behavior” is pleasing to God, but you won’t get that message if you read this book. Grace by definition cannot be based on performance.) VanVonderen constantly reminds the reader that God extended grace to us before we were worthy (Rom 5:8). For that reason we can extend love to our children even when they mess up.
The book recounts the differences between grace-filled families and families that shame their loved ones into good behavior. The author uses the labels “grace-full” and “curse-full”. By curse he doesn’t mean that family members curse each other, but that they live by behavior patterns that are a result of the fall. After Adam and Eve rejected God’s plan for them to live in perfect relationship with Him (and each other), human relationships became power-oriented. Curse-full families try to control the behavior of spouses and children. Grace-full families slowly release parental control by training their kids to make good choices.
While there are no earth shattering truths in Families Where Grace Is in Place, the book offers much food for thought. For instance, VanVonderen points out that children have three basic needs: to know they are loved with no strings attached, to know that they are valuable and capable, and to know that they are not alone to face life. Within the context of meeting these needs parents give their children the skills they need to live healthy lives that are pleasing to God. (It’s tempting to think that “perfect behavior” is pleasing to God, but you won’t get that message if you read this book. Grace by definition cannot be based on performance.) VanVonderen constantly reminds the reader that God extended grace to us before we were worthy (Rom 5:8). For that reason we can extend love to our children even when they mess up.
December 10, 2009
This book was a quick read, partly because I skimmed some sections that seemed to repeat themselves a bit a partly because its a fairly simple concept. Grace is integral to the Christian life, not just in our relationship to God but also in how we relate to each other, no? That's about it. I have never read a book that tries to cover parenting and proper marital relationships in one whack and does it in only 172 pages to boot! Whew! I thought the ideas that VanVonderen presents were sound although his execution occasionally came off as a bit impracticable or else too vague for me to know how to apply. That isn't to say that I didn't find the book helpful. I did. I think I tend a bit towards being a controlling parent although I hate it so it was a real relief to read that there are other options besides leniency and to see this kind of idea from a Christian perspective in particular. I will be looking for other books on the subject though because although I like the idea that forcing or shaming our kids into good behavior seems bad idealogically, its hard to see the real form and substance of how to act out alternatives after finishing this book. Like I said though...the book may be simple but its provocative enough that I found myself flipping back through it a couple of days later....stuff just kept percolating in my brain. Grace seems like a good way....and manipulation, shaming and pressure seem like good things to minimize if only I can see the clear way out.
January 7, 2008
I first came upon this book in a parenting context, but after reading it, appreciated its broader scope to include marriage relationships, too.
VanVonderen's premise is to describe relationships as either Curse-full or Grace-full. In a Curse-full relationship, people try to find their needs met in each other, which leads to people to try get what they want by controlling others and usually ends up focusing on outward behavior. A Grace-full relationship is focused on Christ and His enabling power to live a life of faith.
In a parenting context, this foundation of grace means that a parent isn't necessarily trying to control the child's behavior, rather points them to Christ and creates an environment that empowers them to live a life of faith, too. VanVonderen defines discipline as teaching his children to make wise choices, through the enabling power of Christ. And how can they know Christ, if we are not fighting the good fight ourselves?
I don't know VanVonderen's theological background. He is a counselor, and that shines through very strongly. I feel like he could've fleshed out the foundation of grace more thoroughly. But, at the same time, I appreciated the centrality of his focus: directing to Christ and the grace He gives for us to live each day in Him for us and for our children.
VanVonderen's premise is to describe relationships as either Curse-full or Grace-full. In a Curse-full relationship, people try to find their needs met in each other, which leads to people to try get what they want by controlling others and usually ends up focusing on outward behavior. A Grace-full relationship is focused on Christ and His enabling power to live a life of faith.
In a parenting context, this foundation of grace means that a parent isn't necessarily trying to control the child's behavior, rather points them to Christ and creates an environment that empowers them to live a life of faith, too. VanVonderen defines discipline as teaching his children to make wise choices, through the enabling power of Christ. And how can they know Christ, if we are not fighting the good fight ourselves?
I don't know VanVonderen's theological background. He is a counselor, and that shines through very strongly. I feel like he could've fleshed out the foundation of grace more thoroughly. But, at the same time, I appreciated the centrality of his focus: directing to Christ and the grace He gives for us to live each day in Him for us and for our children.
April 3, 2014
This book may have an awkward title, but the information in here really made me examine myself and my roles as a mother and wife. Ted and I have been reading this short book together for a year. A year! But we wanted to move slowly through the many thought nuggets in this book, which is made easier by the discussion questions at the end of each chapter. VanVonderen starts by explaining how not to be a good parent, and not just actions but thoughts as well. It was this paradigm shifting thinking that our spouses and our children do not exist on this earth to fulfill us or complete us that made me read each page more slowly. We are only fulfilled in God. This is a must-read for all parents and spouses and people who want to have relationships with other people. So basically, everyone should read this book.
December 6, 2013
There was SO much great stuff to love and learn in this book. But there were also a great deal of troubling presuppositions about people's hearts and motivations. Coming from a biblical counseling perspective/background, I found the author's fundamental teaching about the human heart to be deeply flawed and not rooted in Scripture.
If you are willing and able to separate the wheat from the chaff, this is *absolutely* a book worth reading for marriage and for parenting. I did a lot of underlining and I definitely want to go back over it and review my notes. But I would strongly urge reading with careful discernment and an eye to what Scripture actually teaches about the sinful nature, the basic posture of the human heart, and people's "needs." Those disagreements I had with the author are what make it a 3 (3.5 probably) star book rather than the 4 or even 5 it easily could have been.
If you are willing and able to separate the wheat from the chaff, this is *absolutely* a book worth reading for marriage and for parenting. I did a lot of underlining and I definitely want to go back over it and review my notes. But I would strongly urge reading with careful discernment and an eye to what Scripture actually teaches about the sinful nature, the basic posture of the human heart, and people's "needs." Those disagreements I had with the author are what make it a 3 (3.5 probably) star book rather than the 4 or even 5 it easily could have been.
November 10, 2014
Fantastic! Best book about raising your children the way they should be raise, not with controlling or performing guiding you. One of my many favorite quotes (and I have the booked marked up/underlined and starred all of the place!):
Our job is not to control her/him and turn her/him into a more pliable person. Our job is to create an environment in which she/he can be the best tenacious, strong-willed person Jesus ever had working for Him.
Another one:
Parenting is about discipline - that is discipline, or teaching children to make understanding choices out of wisdom.
This book is wonderful for marriages too, not just parenting. Give great guidance on very common issues - some so common that you think everything is fine and normal.
Our job is not to control her/him and turn her/him into a more pliable person. Our job is to create an environment in which she/he can be the best tenacious, strong-willed person Jesus ever had working for Him.
Another one:
Parenting is about discipline - that is discipline, or teaching children to make understanding choices out of wisdom.
This book is wonderful for marriages too, not just parenting. Give great guidance on very common issues - some so common that you think everything is fine and normal.
July 11, 2012
There should be more stars. We have a great family, but it is a healthy thing to be dissatisfied with "good enough" when it comes to these most primary of relationships in your life. Jeff lays out a clear case for the twisted nature of many of our relational interactions because of the corruption of sin. We live under the influence of the curse in Genesis 3, and without intentional effort, our relationships can become performance-driven and we will work to continually control the behavior of those around us - including our spouses and our children. Thank you, Jeff, for this great book. We are all going to breathe a little easier.
June 13, 2015
In Families Where Grace Is in Place Jeff VanVonderen contrasts shame-based families with grace-full families and does a good job of balancing the theoretical/Biblical aspects of what he’s saying with concrete examples. I find it’s important to have both, because without the theory you won’t be motivated to tackle the practical work, and without the practical example you can nod agreement without putting it into practice. I liked how this book offered real explanations and examples.
{Read the rest of my review at A Spirited Mind}
{Read the rest of my review at A Spirited Mind}
December 30, 2011
A nice little read! For a book club with my Christian moms playgroup. At first I wasn't sure how I related to the book, as it was mostly speaking of marriage, and of troubled marriage, which I felt didn't really relate to me. But that was mostly a prelude to his discourse on parenting and family - which I actually quite enjoyed. Very nice points, mostly in-tuned with my parenting philosophies and with emphasis on respect. Loved many of the suggestions made. A great find I probably wouldn't have picked up on my own!
May 14, 2009
Excellent book -- it has really helped me understand more how to put grace into practice in the family, both as a wfe and a mother. I found especially helpful the discussion on what it means not to provoke one's children to anger, that is, not to put them in the position of having and suppressing hostility. The author includes stories from his own experience (good and bad) as a parent that are also helpful.
July 11, 2011
This book is a thinker. I am a teacher and I was trying to figure out how to apply this to the classroom. I want all the children I run into to have grace on them. I want them to be able to explore and have freedom in Christ. I learned a lot about my own controlling ways. I want to forgive and let go, I don't want to yell or manipulate to get what I want. However, I want what God wants. I will read another one of this author's books which is "Tired of Trying to Measure Up."
October 3, 2014
This is a MUST READ for all Christian parents. The truths of this book kept me in tears each and every page. Coming from a family that was more "curse-ful" then "grace-ful" has left me with so many holes as a spouse and parent - I felt like I was in a counseling session the entire book! Very rich and straight to the heart of the matter. It also is not a "how-to" book with parenting formulas, which I *greatly* appreciate.
February 8, 2016
Never thought I would end up giving 5 star for this book.
First few chapters were academic but once the descriptive part is over for grace-full & curse-full families. The practical side of the book is pretty good with great anecdotes and tips. It is not a how-to book but gives insight on the attitudes that we need to have grace in families.
Great book on how to be a great spouse, parent and be a part of grace-full family instead of curse-full family.
First few chapters were academic but once the descriptive part is over for grace-full & curse-full families. The practical side of the book is pretty good with great anecdotes and tips. It is not a how-to book but gives insight on the attitudes that we need to have grace in families.
Great book on how to be a great spouse, parent and be a part of grace-full family instead of curse-full family.
May 16, 2009
best book you'll EVER find to teach you how to both trust your children/spouse to the Holy Spirit and how to let go of your identity being tied up in their successes/failures. not only does it teach you to be a healthier and more effective parent/spouse, it teaches you how to be freer and healthier yourself.
August 26, 2009
This is a fabulous book, not so much about the hows of discipline/relationships, but about the undergirding mindsets in our marriages and parenting. Specifically, it addresses the need to help develop our children's inner strengths/fortitude/conscience through the way we parent, not just focusing on outward conformity. I found it to be a very encouraging read.
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