Smart Women Know When to Say No

by Kevin Leman

Many women try too hard to be nice. It's a way of life for many who live in a culture that expects them to be the ones who "keep everyone happy." But what happens when keeping everyone else happy drains your own happiness?

This book by bestselling author Dr. Kevin Leman shows how women who find themselves manipulated by impassivity, guilt, or abusive behavior can learn to assert themselves while maintaining their "pleasing" personalities.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Christian, Personal Development, Parenting, Psychology

272 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1997

About the author

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.

Connect with Dr. Leman on:
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Reviews

[Rose · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was offered as a Kindle freebie, and while I've read quite a few self-help guides/pamphlets discussing "Nice Girl Syndrome" and the issues surrounding that, this was one of the most annoying, generalizing guides I've come across. The author actually does make some decent assertions about how women who have trouble saying "no" to the people around them suffer from low self esteem and examines some of the destructive factors in the mentality via personal examinations across different relationships, but then turns around and makes a whole host of other claims that I just couldn't support at all - and they weren't necessarily backed up with other literature or studies. It's not well structured either, in comparison to other guides that do a better job of presenting the argument of what the issue entails on a more cognitive and constructive basis.

For a freebie, this felt like a complete waste of time.

[Thuy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book seeemed repetitive and was very general. It felt like the author grabbed random circumstances and put it all in one book. The writing was also very dry.

[Lobug · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very disappointed in this book, as I think his others are pretty decent. This was so one-sided it made me angry. Granted, a lot of women wind up in unfortunate marriages- but not all! This was directed entirely to one small demographic. Also, not all of a woman's problems come from her husband- or children- or father. This book made it sound as if they do. Not all men are controlling jerks. This book made it sound as if they are.
I was totally frustrated by this. I am sure there are women in the situation that this book targets, and this book could be totally helpful to them. But for the rest of us- it is useless.

[Marcy Stearns · Rating 1 out of 5]

So far so good. I'm a little concerned about his idea that you cannot change that "little girl" within. That she will always be there and be the same. I'm not sure that is what Jesus is giving us. I will continue to read it, but I believe that Jesus can satisfy the lacks for that "little girl" and she can mature to become proactive instead of reactive.

Finally I've decided to say no....to this book. It was getting depressing that things will never change...that there will always be a struggle. This runs counter to my belief in the power of the Holy Spirit in my life.

[Tandy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted and expected more from this book. It assumed that every woman who has a hard time saying no had a bad male influence in their lives. I had a wonderful father and he has nothing to do with the fact that I try to please everyone around me. I decided about half way through this book that I wasn't going to get any information that worth having.

[Kathryn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not helpful at all. Smart women should know to read another book that isn't so stereotypical.

[Patience · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book ever”, Author made it easy for one to find reasons of being who you are and why you do the things you do ,from as far as the the one who raised you to the person you are married with, it also helps one understand the conflict triggers in a relationship with your spouse. Great read and even my mom loved it and could relate as well as most of my best friends and colleagues who read it.

[Joy Fredette]

My initial expectations of this book were to boost self esteem. It became clear that the viewpoint was to save marriages and identify with what type of pleaser you are in order to resolve relationship issues with your partner.

[Ariesmoonlover · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was impressed with this little book. I thought it would just be another book that will tell you something trite but I was surprised. It exceeded my expectations.

The book offers scenarios and tips on how to be a positive pleaser or more assertive if you are a suffering "pleaser". It touches on the relationship between a controller and a "pleaser" (usually in marriage) and how birth order can make different types of pleasers (generally, you will find more pleasers in the first-borns and the only children). The author has twenty years of experience in counseling and psychotherapy and got his training in Alfred Adler's school of psychology. It is hard to believe it when he says that the grain is set and you cannot change the little girl in you. Got me thinking whether I am still that same little girl or not. Turns out, childhood is good so far.

I am a last-born and he describes a last-born well (in my case).

In the book, the relationship of a daughter with his father greatly affects the girl's behavior towards the opposite sex as she grows up (as well as the relationship of the parents towards each other and how they treat the little girl). The book also talks about sex and how it affects the relationship. I really enjoyed the stories and the actions that were done to make each situation better. When the women started to take more risks, stood up for themselves, and made the changes. I'd be happy every time.

[Chambrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. I picked it up at an airport, started reading, but stuffed it in a drawer for years. I experienced some significant shifts in my life, just happened to stumble across this book and that's when the messages really hit home for me. It may seem overly simplistic, but for someone who truly has lived this way all her life, you recognize yourself and the situations immediately. If I had not gone through what I did, the book may not have meant so much to me. I just wish I had finished reading it earlier! Today, I recommend it to others that I perceive to be in similar situations. We must remember to take care of ourselves and set boundaries!

[Julie Kolb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a book that can be read straight through. It requires some stops and contemplation. It has some difficult to accept concepts that initial knee jerk reaction can meet with frustration and disagreement. Stop and contemplate it before moving on, perhaps even retreading that section before understanding of the philosophy of advice given is apparent. It is an excellent book, but not a quick read and challenging.p

[Lucas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This work comes from the perspective of a controlling personality trying to coach the pleasing types into rounding out their character. I think there is a lot for controllers to learn as well, and there are plenty of opportunities for that. Overall, a good message and a quick read.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite a good guide on being assertive for those of us who hate saying no. Some points I didn't completely agree with, but overall not bad.

[Bobbi Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really helped me understand why I am the way I am. I recommend this book to all women!

[Anino · Rating 5 out of 5]

To be succinct, this book was chock full of wisdom for chicas who do & feel too much. As a reformed Pleaser, I found Dr.Leman to be incredibly insightful and on target.

Giving this one: 4.5 stars

[Aisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for counseling! All about people pleasing.

[Kerri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative. I liked the examples he used as some where relatable.

[Judith]

I for one am a pleaser, it was interesting to know the psychological reasons behind this behavior of wanting to please everyone,finding it difficult to say no. The book has been a great tool in helping me through my journey of introspection and being a positive pleaser.