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Is Marriage for White People?: How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone
During the past half century, African Americans have become the most unmarried people in our nation. More than two out of every three black women are unmarried, and they are more than twice as likely as white women never to marry. The racial gap in marriage extends beyond the poor. Affluent and college educated African Americans are also less likely to marry or stay married than their white counterparts. That harms black children and adults, and imperils the growth and stability of the black middle class.
One reason that marriage has declined is that as black women have advanced economically and educationally, black men have fallen behind. Nearly twice as many black women as black men graduate from college each year.Thus, not only are many college-educated black women unmarried, they are more likely than any other group of women to marry less educated and lower earning men. Half of college-educated black wives are more educated than their husbands.
Yet black women rarely marry men of other races. They are less than half as likely as black men, and only a third as likely as Latinos or Asian Americans, to wed across group lines. Is Marriage for White People? traces the far-reaching consequences of the African American marriage decline. It also explains why black women marry down rather than out. Its provocative conclusion is that black women would benefit both themselves and the black race if they crossed class lines less and race lines more.
As particular as this inquiry may seem, it is also universal. Americans of all races are more unmarried now than ever. And as women surpass men educationally, wives increasingly earn more than their husbands. In illuminating the lives of African Americans, Is Marriage for White People? thus probes cultural and economic trends that implicate everyone, highlighting the extent to which the experience of black women may become that of all women.
This book both informs and entertains. The culmination of a decade of research by a distinguished Stanford law professor, it melds scholarly theory and data with the poignant stories shared by black women throughout the nation. This unforgettable book is essential reading for anyone who wants to understand the shifting terrain of intimacy in American society.
One reason that marriage has declined is that as black women have advanced economically and educationally, black men have fallen behind. Nearly twice as many black women as black men graduate from college each year.Thus, not only are many college-educated black women unmarried, they are more likely than any other group of women to marry less educated and lower earning men. Half of college-educated black wives are more educated than their husbands.
Yet black women rarely marry men of other races. They are less than half as likely as black men, and only a third as likely as Latinos or Asian Americans, to wed across group lines. Is Marriage for White People? traces the far-reaching consequences of the African American marriage decline. It also explains why black women marry down rather than out. Its provocative conclusion is that black women would benefit both themselves and the black race if they crossed class lines less and race lines more.
As particular as this inquiry may seem, it is also universal. Americans of all races are more unmarried now than ever. And as women surpass men educationally, wives increasingly earn more than their husbands. In illuminating the lives of African Americans, Is Marriage for White People? thus probes cultural and economic trends that implicate everyone, highlighting the extent to which the experience of black women may become that of all women.
This book both informs and entertains. The culmination of a decade of research by a distinguished Stanford law professor, it melds scholarly theory and data with the poignant stories shared by black women throughout the nation. This unforgettable book is essential reading for anyone who wants to understand the shifting terrain of intimacy in American society.
289 pages, Hardcover
First published February 3, 2011
114 people are currently reading
1309 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 95 reviews
December 30, 2011
I am torn as I review this book. It is both well-researched and well-written and far more nuanced than many other discussions of the black marriage rate. Yet, in the end, the solution to the so-called crisis centers on black women--what black women need to do differently. I am weary of the entirety of black male-female relations resting on the shoulders of black women.
I also find the recommendation that black women have interracial relationships too simplistic. Banks too quickly dismisses black women's place in the romantic hierarchy. As one woman I interviewed about the topic wondered,"People keep telling black women to be open to more men. Why isn't anyone telling more men to be open to us?" And there is something disconcerting about suggesting that black women should ignore personal preferences to help turn the marriage decline, as well as making non-black men second choice for women who couldn't marry the men they really wanted. Many black women love and date men of all races; many prefer men of their own race. Surely it is okay for a black woman to feel this way, as it is okay for men and women of other races.
Interesting. Valuable. Smart. I simply disagree with the author's conclusion.
I also find the recommendation that black women have interracial relationships too simplistic. Banks too quickly dismisses black women's place in the romantic hierarchy. As one woman I interviewed about the topic wondered,"People keep telling black women to be open to more men. Why isn't anyone telling more men to be open to us?" And there is something disconcerting about suggesting that black women should ignore personal preferences to help turn the marriage decline, as well as making non-black men second choice for women who couldn't marry the men they really wanted. Many black women love and date men of all races; many prefer men of their own race. Surely it is okay for a black woman to feel this way, as it is okay for men and women of other races.
Interesting. Valuable. Smart. I simply disagree with the author's conclusion.
June 8, 2012
As a professional social worker and amateur writer, I can honestly state that at first, I wasn’t really sure how to begin my review of this very emotionally-driven book. When I first read the title, Is Marriage for White People? How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone, I was instantly offended as a married African American male; but I was also intrigued, and that's what motivated me to read this book in a course of two days—it's quite a page-turner!
Let me start off by giving you a synopsis: Stanford law professor Ralph Richard Banks (an African American middle-class family man) has spent recent years gathering in-person interviews, statistical information, and other resources to compile a nonfiction manuscript of how the “trend” of blacks not marrying and/or divorcing is on the rise. Throughout the entire book, Banks discusses how the future of happily married black men and women looks bleak. He covers a spectrum of issues that include interracial dating and marriages, arranged marriages, legalities of marriage, the effects on black children, middle class versus the poor, the (black) man shortage issue, and finally, how to save black marriage.
As I read each of the eleven chapters that make up this book, I was hoping to read data that would assist support ways in which black men and women could come together and create loving and strong family units. As I read some of the statistics in the book—that the highest earning black men are more than twice as likely as their white counterparts to never marry, or that black middle-class families are poorer than their white counterparts—I started to feel very uncomfortable and hopeless.
In my opinion, Professor Banks may have listened to too many disgruntled black women and not enough of happily married black women and men! It started to feel one-sided and for me, when you take on this subject matter, one should be as unbiased as possible. Now don't get me wrong: when reading the testimonies of his interviewees, I thought about the bad male/female relationships amongst my family and friends. But almost simultaneously, I thought about the successful relationships that I knew. I know that as a reviewer I should have stayed neutral, but how could I as a married black man myself? Especially as one who is doing his absolute best to raise a brilliant and beautiful black daughter to not only be able to hold her own in the world, but to also show her that when she does become a partner in a loving relationship, she needs to be able to find her place of balance—for me, that’s the key of a successful relationship!
In assessing the strengths of this book, Banks did a great job of looking at statistics to formulate his hypothesis. He showed evidence of the mixed marriage theory which entails a marriage based on class (i.e., a woman with one or two degrees and makes six figures who is married to a man without a higher education degree and makes considerably less). He showed how these types of mixed marriages are doomed from the get-go because it goes against the societal premise of gender roles.
However, as an optimistic reader who wants to know how to ensure that black men and women have successful relationships/marriages, this book left me feeling pessimistic. By the book’s end, Bank states: "If Black women don't marry because they have too few options, and some black men because they have too many, then black women, by opening themselves to interracial marriage, could address both problems at once. For black women, interracial marriage doesn't abandon the race, it serves the race."
I had to force myself to understand his point which, in laymen’s term, is this: Because black men feel that it's 10 (women) to 1 (us) out here, then we get to be arrogant fools and lead women on; but if black women become “extinct” by marrying non–black men, then this will make black men step up our game, and then too will black women marriage stats go up. I think Banks missed the mark on this assumption. My answer, if he would have interviewed me, would be that us black men and women need to assess and write treatment plans on ourselves, start healing, become whole people individually, and then when that happens, our relationships will be more progressive, positive, and purposeful. Happiness starts internally and works itself outwardly!
Let me start off by giving you a synopsis: Stanford law professor Ralph Richard Banks (an African American middle-class family man) has spent recent years gathering in-person interviews, statistical information, and other resources to compile a nonfiction manuscript of how the “trend” of blacks not marrying and/or divorcing is on the rise. Throughout the entire book, Banks discusses how the future of happily married black men and women looks bleak. He covers a spectrum of issues that include interracial dating and marriages, arranged marriages, legalities of marriage, the effects on black children, middle class versus the poor, the (black) man shortage issue, and finally, how to save black marriage.
As I read each of the eleven chapters that make up this book, I was hoping to read data that would assist support ways in which black men and women could come together and create loving and strong family units. As I read some of the statistics in the book—that the highest earning black men are more than twice as likely as their white counterparts to never marry, or that black middle-class families are poorer than their white counterparts—I started to feel very uncomfortable and hopeless.
In my opinion, Professor Banks may have listened to too many disgruntled black women and not enough of happily married black women and men! It started to feel one-sided and for me, when you take on this subject matter, one should be as unbiased as possible. Now don't get me wrong: when reading the testimonies of his interviewees, I thought about the bad male/female relationships amongst my family and friends. But almost simultaneously, I thought about the successful relationships that I knew. I know that as a reviewer I should have stayed neutral, but how could I as a married black man myself? Especially as one who is doing his absolute best to raise a brilliant and beautiful black daughter to not only be able to hold her own in the world, but to also show her that when she does become a partner in a loving relationship, she needs to be able to find her place of balance—for me, that’s the key of a successful relationship!
In assessing the strengths of this book, Banks did a great job of looking at statistics to formulate his hypothesis. He showed evidence of the mixed marriage theory which entails a marriage based on class (i.e., a woman with one or two degrees and makes six figures who is married to a man without a higher education degree and makes considerably less). He showed how these types of mixed marriages are doomed from the get-go because it goes against the societal premise of gender roles.
However, as an optimistic reader who wants to know how to ensure that black men and women have successful relationships/marriages, this book left me feeling pessimistic. By the book’s end, Bank states: "If Black women don't marry because they have too few options, and some black men because they have too many, then black women, by opening themselves to interracial marriage, could address both problems at once. For black women, interracial marriage doesn't abandon the race, it serves the race."
I had to force myself to understand his point which, in laymen’s term, is this: Because black men feel that it's 10 (women) to 1 (us) out here, then we get to be arrogant fools and lead women on; but if black women become “extinct” by marrying non–black men, then this will make black men step up our game, and then too will black women marriage stats go up. I think Banks missed the mark on this assumption. My answer, if he would have interviewed me, would be that us black men and women need to assess and write treatment plans on ourselves, start healing, become whole people individually, and then when that happens, our relationships will be more progressive, positive, and purposeful. Happiness starts internally and works itself outwardly!
November 29, 2011
I picked this up last week in doing some research about poverty and education, knowing there's a strong correlation between growing up with two parents as opposed to one. This book is easy to read, and I liked how Mr Banks started with plenty of statistics to show the overall decline in marriage in America and how the decline is most severe among African Americans. The crux of the research is that there is a major power imbalance between Black men and Black women, and that women tend to end up single for want of employed Black men of similar educational levels. He suggests that all Americans would be better off if African American women were to marry the right man regardless of his race.
There is a lot to think about here, and Mr Banks excels in connecting the dots between many things in society we may have noticed but can't explain. It's a topic I'd love to learn more about, and it has a lot to do with education. I was lucky enough to attend his book reading last weekend and was able to ask him a couple more questions about the reasons why things are how they are. He was humble and patient enough to explain things clearly as he presented his research.
On a personal note, I tried to imagine how different my life would be if I had insisted on marrying a fellow Hispanic college graduate who was also a Christian with similar values and life experiences. Chances are, I'd still be looking for her.
There is a lot to think about here, and Mr Banks excels in connecting the dots between many things in society we may have noticed but can't explain. It's a topic I'd love to learn more about, and it has a lot to do with education. I was lucky enough to attend his book reading last weekend and was able to ask him a couple more questions about the reasons why things are how they are. He was humble and patient enough to explain things clearly as he presented his research.
On a personal note, I tried to imagine how different my life would be if I had insisted on marrying a fellow Hispanic college graduate who was also a Christian with similar values and life experiences. Chances are, I'd still be looking for her.
February 18, 2013
This book was a tough pill to swallow, but I agreed with virtually everything Banks presented. It was nice to have carefully researched statistical data to back up what I've experienced in my dating life for the past fifteen years.
There are few books that actually change my life and perspective on it. This is one such book. Before, I never thought "nonblack" men were checking for me, and I'm still not entirely convinced that they are. But I will say that now, particularly after reading this book, I am checking for them. I'm not closing off black men indefinitely, but I am no longer closing off nonblacks--something I was unconsciously doing before.
One criticism of this novel--Banks does not address the impact of homosexuality on the African American marriage decline for black women. I wonder if that would have complicated the analysis too much? Either way, if he did not want to present it for whatever reason, he should have at least addressed it quickly and then disposed of it quickly. To just not address it at all left a huge part of this discussion untouched--and I'm not entirely sure why.
I would love to see this author follow up this piece with a Part TWO: "How to Overcome the Obstacles that Prevent Black Women from Dating Outside Their Race."
There are few books that actually change my life and perspective on it. This is one such book. Before, I never thought "nonblack" men were checking for me, and I'm still not entirely convinced that they are. But I will say that now, particularly after reading this book, I am checking for them. I'm not closing off black men indefinitely, but I am no longer closing off nonblacks--something I was unconsciously doing before.
One criticism of this novel--Banks does not address the impact of homosexuality on the African American marriage decline for black women. I wonder if that would have complicated the analysis too much? Either way, if he did not want to present it for whatever reason, he should have at least addressed it quickly and then disposed of it quickly. To just not address it at all left a huge part of this discussion untouched--and I'm not entirely sure why.
I would love to see this author follow up this piece with a Part TWO: "How to Overcome the Obstacles that Prevent Black Women from Dating Outside Their Race."
March 14, 2012
Interesting read. At the start, I thought the book was a little heavy-handed in its approach to marriage being some sort of sacred cow: society derives this great benefit from people being paired off therefore everyone should aspire to achieve that institution for themselves (and for the good of all society). However, as I waded further and further into it, I realized that the author was merely jumping off where an anecdotal quandary presented itself to him: he knows black women who want to be married and have all the trappings of marriage but yet aren't so, yeah, let's try and explore that situation.
I thought his conclusions about a number of things were refreshing to see in print (and not simply spoken about around the water cooler) though I felt like he overwhelmingly left it to black women to act unilaterally to correct the situation that they had little to no part in arranging in the first place. I believe that the idea "can't find a black MBA? . . . try a white/Latin/Asian one" ignores the real societal pressures that black women have unfairly been made to shoulder historically. Why exactly is it a "black woman" problem to correct? Why isn't it a societal problem to correct? Oh, that's because no one in white America wants to talk about that race stuff anymore because we elected a black President so, POOF, 300 years of our American history needs to be put on the shelf and forgotten about.
In the end, I think Banks has provided a perfect tome by which to judge just how far we need to go to become a truly post-modern society. Yes, this is a tale just how much racism and sexism continue to plague our society. Black women are damned if they do and damned if they don't - marry a non-black guy and procreate and they'll be sellouts who are dooming their race, don't marry anyone and procreate and they'll be shamed by Bill Cosby and be accused of fulfilling stereotypes of the single black woman, don't marry and don't have kids and watch as your inaction causes the black population to dwindle to increasing irrelevance. Jeez - why is that since marriage rates are declining in the African-American community, black MEN don't have to do anything except chastise black women who have the nerve to go and get a degree, be successful (possibly earning more money that the man they are with in the process) and expect a partner who is contributing an equal share to the union?
Oh wait, that's because in the end black men are men and men have NEVER had to do anything except wait around for women to fix the world all the while complaining about how women aren't doing enough around the house, cooking good enough food or giving them enough sex.
I thought his conclusions about a number of things were refreshing to see in print (and not simply spoken about around the water cooler) though I felt like he overwhelmingly left it to black women to act unilaterally to correct the situation that they had little to no part in arranging in the first place. I believe that the idea "can't find a black MBA? . . . try a white/Latin/Asian one" ignores the real societal pressures that black women have unfairly been made to shoulder historically. Why exactly is it a "black woman" problem to correct? Why isn't it a societal problem to correct? Oh, that's because no one in white America wants to talk about that race stuff anymore because we elected a black President so, POOF, 300 years of our American history needs to be put on the shelf and forgotten about.
In the end, I think Banks has provided a perfect tome by which to judge just how far we need to go to become a truly post-modern society. Yes, this is a tale just how much racism and sexism continue to plague our society. Black women are damned if they do and damned if they don't - marry a non-black guy and procreate and they'll be sellouts who are dooming their race, don't marry anyone and procreate and they'll be shamed by Bill Cosby and be accused of fulfilling stereotypes of the single black woman, don't marry and don't have kids and watch as your inaction causes the black population to dwindle to increasing irrelevance. Jeez - why is that since marriage rates are declining in the African-American community, black MEN don't have to do anything except chastise black women who have the nerve to go and get a degree, be successful (possibly earning more money that the man they are with in the process) and expect a partner who is contributing an equal share to the union?
Oh wait, that's because in the end black men are men and men have NEVER had to do anything except wait around for women to fix the world all the while complaining about how women aren't doing enough around the house, cooking good enough food or giving them enough sex.
November 30, 2011
Ultimately, this book was so much better than I expected it was going to be. I saw that title and read some of the reviews, and I thought the worst was in store. I'll write a little more about it in a few weeks, but essentially, Banks uses some of the statistics we all hear all the time about gender role reversals in the black community and elsewhere to explain why black women have a hard time in the relationship market. I love, too, that he added some of the data from OKCupid related to how ridiculous it is for black women who try to date online (ahem). I would've given this five stars except it doesn't end as much as it just stops, which is OK, except it's hard to make a statement like - if black women, the most race-loyal daters and wives in the world, date outside of the race, it will save black marriage/love and then drop the mic and close the book. I mean, it wasn't hard for him to do, obviously, but it left me wanting more of an explanation. Fear not, single black women with battered egos from all the hate - this book is different.
February 8, 2012
This book is rich in statistics, some might say over rich. At one point it seemed as if the decline in marriage rates of black women was the cause of every problem in the country, including global climate change. Okay that's obviously hyperbole, but I am at a loss to explain how we could have higher rates of out of wedlock births, abortions, infertility, divorce and sexually transmitted diseases along with the decline in the likelyhood of marriage. I plan to re-read portions of the book just to clarify some issues for me. I was much more interested in the sub-title "How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone" and I'm not sure the book addresses that to my satisfaction. It included a lot of information that is obvious to anyone who has made it into adulthood but it will perform a service if it prompts serious conversation around the topic. I also find it interesting how the author's suggestion (not prescription or solution) but merely the suggestion that Black women consider dating outside the race is met with such controversy.
October 18, 2011
All my single ladies there is nothing new here you haven't heard before; basically marry up, marry light (or White), and marry out (of your racial, social, or cultural background). I felt mixed emotions for some of the women because after awhile it is apparent that race is not the main cause of their singledom, but their unaddressed mental illnesses and preoccupation with the lies they tell about themselves and men that cause the bulk of the problem. I refuse to believe that educated, attractive, successful Black women lack passports which prevent them from traveling the world and meeting all types of men--some of them Black--and not being able to have a connection with any of them. Forget marriage, some of the women interviewed have not encountered, interacted with, a penis for over a decade. Girl....them degrees can't keep you warm at night.
October 3, 2018
"If black women don't marry because they have too few options and some black men because they have too many then black women, by opening themselves to interracial marriage, could address both problems at once. For black woman, interracial marriage doesn't abandon the race, it serves the race."
This was a very hard book to read because I fall in the category of some these finding that the author found. I am in the minority in some regard because both of my parents are married, and have been for over twenty years. They have four children,I am the oldest boy, and they still behave like teenagers in love. My mom is very educated but my Father only has some college under his belt but he is a handy man. Honestly this book saddened me because it says that Black woman are more likely to remain single and not get married due to the little options they have. More black men are dropping out of college and black woman are surpassing them in an educational sense. I am a young male that is in currently in college who plans to marry a black woman. Not because I disregard other races but that is just my preference but love is love, regardless who you fall in love with. It was hard to read through the testimonials of women were decided that they were going to stay single cause there is no man out there to match their expertise.
Truthfully when you look at the data, most men want to marry an educated female and most woman want to marry a man with money. This is not just African Americans but this is all races but it is only highlighted with African Americans because they tend not to marry or if they do, they are more likely to divorce. I am an outlier in this as well as my close friends whose parents are black, the are all married without any divorce.
Still it is a sad reality how marriage has changed over the years, particularly with African Americans.
Despite how moody the tone of the book was, this was an excellent book that will arise awareness concerning the topic of Blacks marrying. Is marriage really for white people? These shocking data and research will have you convinced it is.
This was a very hard book to read because I fall in the category of some these finding that the author found. I am in the minority in some regard because both of my parents are married, and have been for over twenty years. They have four children,I am the oldest boy, and they still behave like teenagers in love. My mom is very educated but my Father only has some college under his belt but he is a handy man. Honestly this book saddened me because it says that Black woman are more likely to remain single and not get married due to the little options they have. More black men are dropping out of college and black woman are surpassing them in an educational sense. I am a young male that is in currently in college who plans to marry a black woman. Not because I disregard other races but that is just my preference but love is love, regardless who you fall in love with. It was hard to read through the testimonials of women were decided that they were going to stay single cause there is no man out there to match their expertise.
Truthfully when you look at the data, most men want to marry an educated female and most woman want to marry a man with money. This is not just African Americans but this is all races but it is only highlighted with African Americans because they tend not to marry or if they do, they are more likely to divorce. I am an outlier in this as well as my close friends whose parents are black, the are all married without any divorce.
Still it is a sad reality how marriage has changed over the years, particularly with African Americans.
Despite how moody the tone of the book was, this was an excellent book that will arise awareness concerning the topic of Blacks marrying. Is marriage really for white people? These shocking data and research will have you convinced it is.
December 9, 2013
I originally picked this up because I was startled by the title. I thought "isn't that a bit racist?". The book is very interesting and easy to read. For a woman of a certain age with marriage age children, it explains a good deal about what has changed in the dating/marriage area since I was a teen. Ostensibly about the issue of marriage and African Americans, it by necessity explores the changes amongst other groups as well.
October 17, 2011
Interesting statistics and well researched.
April 30, 2013
The facts don't lie! This book definitely made me take a hard look at my relationships with Black men and unfortunately, I have to agree with many of the author's points. Mixed marriages was the chapter that really hit home for me. I know one thing is for sure, from now on will be looking outside the "box" when it comes to dating.
October 6, 2018
I would always roll my eyes when people would suggest that the answer to black women's dating/marrying woes was pursuing relationships with non-black men. Not because I'm against interracial unions but because I felt it reduced a complex issue to preference. This author is very aware of that complexity and very convincingly explains why we should still include non-black men in our romantic pursuits. We aren't as undesirable as we think. And by limiting ourselves to only black men, we put the power in their hands. They have more options so they can demand more. By including non-black men, we level the playing field and we no longer have to settle. This was a very enjoyable read and I highly recommend it.
September 7, 2014
This book was a great read, very informative and gave great insight to marriage dilemmas and relationship dilemmas as well within the African American communities around the country. I would not only refer this book to unmarried folks but folks that's already married as well, it almost doubles as a book for information unbeknownst to most and as a semi counselor guide on what and what not to do for the already married. I do disagree with a few points made by the author but overall my rating is 4.5 stars easily.
October 25, 2011
No earth-shattering revelations, but definitely thought-provoking. Much of this book is also quite grim -- if I wasn't already "down for the swirl," I'd be trying to cliff myself after reading this book. :/
Nonetheless, an important read for black women especially -- whether you date IR or not, this book will make you rethink some assumptions and reflect on what you are and are not willing to put up with for the sake of a relationship with a black man.
Nonetheless, an important read for black women especially -- whether you date IR or not, this book will make you rethink some assumptions and reflect on what you are and are not willing to put up with for the sake of a relationship with a black man.
June 1, 2012
This book had a lot of good information and a realistic prospective.
February 27, 2012
a lot of crazy statistics. one of the bottom lines is that more black women should date outside their race. and I agree. I know I wished I pursued white guys more in college!
July 16, 2021
Ralph Richard Banks, a professor at Standford Law School, wrote Is Marriage for White People?: How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone for my demographic, thirty to forty-something-year-old black women grappling with being single and wondering if that is their fate. Banks mentions that this narrative isn't just for black Americans. Still, it is a clarion call for what will happen in other communities as more women achieve higher education and more secure economic futures. With the rise of more women striving for and attaining financial success through education, many black women are left with the choice of "marrying down." As Banks surmised, "African Americans may divorce so frequently in part because the educational and cultural gap between the spouses renders them incompatible as mates." This "cultural gap" affects black women who have attained financial and educational achievements. Black women who have gone on to higher education and have achieved positions with multiple degrees are often left bereft of viable black male suitors.
For years, black American women have been conditioned through the media, family relations, and a solid adherence to racial solidarity to consider the man with a "good heart." As a young pre-teen, I remember reading a copy of Ebony Magazine. The cover story shows a black male bus driver being embraced by a black woman in professional clothing. The article encouraged black women to look at bus drivers, sanitation workers, construction workers, and others as their potential mates. Banks argues that the push for educated black women to "marry down" takes away viable mates from black women within their own class and might have the same cultural values regarding education and financial stability.
Banks also notes the struggles black middle-class women may have in finding a partner also highlights a common theme that many black women understand all too well. "Black men who had completed college or higher were the least likely to have a single long-term partner and the most likely to be in a relationship with multiple sexual partners." The availability of multiple partners leads to an unwillingness to marry. Black men have so many options that they aren't as focused on marriage as their white male counterparts. I lived in New York City for a while, and I distinctly remember an event where a black male associate told a friend and me, "Ladies, you are in the presence of the black male elite. We are ivy league educated, no kids, good jobs, and successful." I didn't say anything at the time, I just probably rolled my eyes, but this black male's utterance revealed a mindset that I had felt for some time. The idea is that we, as black women, should be grateful that we could be around educated black men. We should almost bow down. I believe this attitude sometimes drives black women to "marry down." I think this leads to some women thinking, "Why would someone want to be around a man who thinks he's better just because of his degree? I might as well find a blue-collar man that will appreciate what I have to offer." This thought process becomes problematic for many black women in the long run. Banks shows how relationships, where there is an imbalance of financial power, are fraught with traditional gender roles and the reality that some black women still want someone who will be a provider. Banks also acknowledges that many black men feel the same. The financial strain of being dependent on a high-income earning partner is too stressful and can destroy a marriage or relationship if the woman is left as the breadwinner.
I was left wondering, what are black women supposed to do? Banks' solution to saving the black marriage is for more black women to marry out, not down. Black women should start to see other men as a viable option and focus on partnering with men who align with their cultural and financial values vs. along racial lines. This book was published in 2001, so at the time, there may have been more women who weren't as receptive to interracial dating. Still, based on the divestment movement (check out YouTube), the recent marketing trend of showing interracial relationships between white men and black women, and the changing opinions on interracial dating, we might see more black women dating out.
Banks writes a quick provocative narrative that would cause some black women to reflect on their definition of a "good man.”
For years, black American women have been conditioned through the media, family relations, and a solid adherence to racial solidarity to consider the man with a "good heart." As a young pre-teen, I remember reading a copy of Ebony Magazine. The cover story shows a black male bus driver being embraced by a black woman in professional clothing. The article encouraged black women to look at bus drivers, sanitation workers, construction workers, and others as their potential mates. Banks argues that the push for educated black women to "marry down" takes away viable mates from black women within their own class and might have the same cultural values regarding education and financial stability.
Banks also notes the struggles black middle-class women may have in finding a partner also highlights a common theme that many black women understand all too well. "Black men who had completed college or higher were the least likely to have a single long-term partner and the most likely to be in a relationship with multiple sexual partners." The availability of multiple partners leads to an unwillingness to marry. Black men have so many options that they aren't as focused on marriage as their white male counterparts. I lived in New York City for a while, and I distinctly remember an event where a black male associate told a friend and me, "Ladies, you are in the presence of the black male elite. We are ivy league educated, no kids, good jobs, and successful." I didn't say anything at the time, I just probably rolled my eyes, but this black male's utterance revealed a mindset that I had felt for some time. The idea is that we, as black women, should be grateful that we could be around educated black men. We should almost bow down. I believe this attitude sometimes drives black women to "marry down." I think this leads to some women thinking, "Why would someone want to be around a man who thinks he's better just because of his degree? I might as well find a blue-collar man that will appreciate what I have to offer." This thought process becomes problematic for many black women in the long run. Banks shows how relationships, where there is an imbalance of financial power, are fraught with traditional gender roles and the reality that some black women still want someone who will be a provider. Banks also acknowledges that many black men feel the same. The financial strain of being dependent on a high-income earning partner is too stressful and can destroy a marriage or relationship if the woman is left as the breadwinner.
I was left wondering, what are black women supposed to do? Banks' solution to saving the black marriage is for more black women to marry out, not down. Black women should start to see other men as a viable option and focus on partnering with men who align with their cultural and financial values vs. along racial lines. This book was published in 2001, so at the time, there may have been more women who weren't as receptive to interracial dating. Still, based on the divestment movement (check out YouTube), the recent marketing trend of showing interracial relationships between white men and black women, and the changing opinions on interracial dating, we might see more black women dating out.
Banks writes a quick provocative narrative that would cause some black women to reflect on their definition of a "good man.”
February 28, 2023
I very much enjoyed the book and I feel that Mr. Banks addressed an issue that no other relationship guru that I have read before was willing to admit. That black women cutting off all options to other men is a hindrance not a badge of honor. The black community solely pushes black love to black girls while telling the boys they are allowed to have preferences and to sow their wild oats. While society as a whole pushes the female race to solely pursue marriage, other communities do at least value marriage in a way that the black community does not. This book was written 11 years ago but based on the boom of social media which gives another outlet for black men to voice their distain for their own women, and for black women to further beg for the validation of black men, you can definitely say that nothing has furthered in the unification of the black woman and black man. My one disagreement with the book would be the chapter on which he spoke about the men frequently abandoning their own children. If they are not in a healthy relationship with the mother then they do not feel the need to father. It’s not because they just don’t care about their children. I would disagree I would say yes I agree with his point that the relationship with the mother is important but at the same time I would still say that they do not care to parent or father their own offspring whether they be with black women or with women of any other race. They have a distain for their own offspring.
I did read some of the other reviews of the book and I was annoyed that even though he laid it out in layman terms, they still want black women to pursue black love at all cost be damn their youth, health, safety, hopes and desires. The only one who stands to benefit from black women pursuing black love at all cost is black men, because black women refuse to open their options and seek men who actually do match them in education and an income. Black men are allowed to rotate through all these different women, they’re allowed to have these women on the hook for years on end dangling the black love carrot that most of them are not going to get. So I do not understand why people are commenting why are the women being asked to change. Why would the men change when they are the ones receiving all the benefits, they have no incentive to change.
What really stuck out to me in this book was the lack of standards that black women have for black men. It really boiled down to straight vanity as to why they only wanted a black man. Vanity and being able to trauma bond and pretty sure it’s somewhere in there he mention the alleged BBC. These women further show that they knew that they were getting the short end of the stick. They knew that the men had the advantage. They knew that the men weren’t even of quality, but it did not matter because the man had black skin. At this point I did lose sympathy for them because how can you be as smart as you are. You shoot for the stars when it comes to your education and your pursuit of higher income, but you shoot for Satan sewer system when it comes to your dating life. I do not understand how black women cannot see how desperate no scratch that, how insanely desperate they are for black men who are not reciprocating that energy; have never reciprocated that energy for them.
As he interviewed these women who were successful, beautiful and painfully single into their later years, all these women had in common that someone who did match them at their level was interested in them but was rejected due to the lack of pigmentation in their skin. All of these women could have been married and bore the children that they craved had they put themselves first instead of a community who could give a damn about them.
Lastly something that is largely overlooked by the community is the change in the men throughout the generations. The quality of men I will admit was definitely greater back in the day so the 1930s that time era that he mention because men actually did want to provide and protect for their family. The men today do not want to do that. They want the women to protect and provide for them.
I did read some of the other reviews of the book and I was annoyed that even though he laid it out in layman terms, they still want black women to pursue black love at all cost be damn their youth, health, safety, hopes and desires. The only one who stands to benefit from black women pursuing black love at all cost is black men, because black women refuse to open their options and seek men who actually do match them in education and an income. Black men are allowed to rotate through all these different women, they’re allowed to have these women on the hook for years on end dangling the black love carrot that most of them are not going to get. So I do not understand why people are commenting why are the women being asked to change. Why would the men change when they are the ones receiving all the benefits, they have no incentive to change.
What really stuck out to me in this book was the lack of standards that black women have for black men. It really boiled down to straight vanity as to why they only wanted a black man. Vanity and being able to trauma bond and pretty sure it’s somewhere in there he mention the alleged BBC. These women further show that they knew that they were getting the short end of the stick. They knew that the men had the advantage. They knew that the men weren’t even of quality, but it did not matter because the man had black skin. At this point I did lose sympathy for them because how can you be as smart as you are. You shoot for the stars when it comes to your education and your pursuit of higher income, but you shoot for Satan sewer system when it comes to your dating life. I do not understand how black women cannot see how desperate no scratch that, how insanely desperate they are for black men who are not reciprocating that energy; have never reciprocated that energy for them.
As he interviewed these women who were successful, beautiful and painfully single into their later years, all these women had in common that someone who did match them at their level was interested in them but was rejected due to the lack of pigmentation in their skin. All of these women could have been married and bore the children that they craved had they put themselves first instead of a community who could give a damn about them.
Lastly something that is largely overlooked by the community is the change in the men throughout the generations. The quality of men I will admit was definitely greater back in the day so the 1930s that time era that he mention because men actually did want to provide and protect for their family. The men today do not want to do that. They want the women to protect and provide for them.
February 5, 2012
Banks takes a pragmatic, social science approach to the controversial issue of the decline in marriage within the Black community. He stays away from voicing his specific relationships and what he ‘knows’ be true about women, which is much appreciated. The book details different dynamics of relationships as the relating (mostly) to Black women, including dating out (interracial dating), dating down (dating a man who’s is less educated with a lower socioeconomic status), man sharing and having children.
Banks concludes: If more Black women date outside the race it will help to even out the numbers of single middle class Black females to males. This will deplete the leverage that Black men have within the dating arena, thus making them more likely to commit and subsequently increase the rates of marriage within the Black middle class. A plausible conclusion that I agree with, but not entirely fair. It puts the burden of saving Black marriage solely on the shoulders of Black women. Banks misses the most obvious conclusion; there needs to be an increase in the number of black males within the middle class. This gives all parties involved ample choices of an acceptable mate.
After reading, I couldn’t help but wonder if Banks entire purpose was to make a case for interracial marriage. The only happily married couples featured in the book are interracial. Also the drawbacks of dating ‘down’ are only highlighted. It’s as if he wanted to layout the pitfalls of Black marriage to say: you won’t have to deal with this if you marry someone non-black.
The book is interesting enough for me to recommend. Read it and draw your own conclusions.
Banks concludes: If more Black women date outside the race it will help to even out the numbers of single middle class Black females to males. This will deplete the leverage that Black men have within the dating arena, thus making them more likely to commit and subsequently increase the rates of marriage within the Black middle class. A plausible conclusion that I agree with, but not entirely fair. It puts the burden of saving Black marriage solely on the shoulders of Black women. Banks misses the most obvious conclusion; there needs to be an increase in the number of black males within the middle class. This gives all parties involved ample choices of an acceptable mate.
After reading, I couldn’t help but wonder if Banks entire purpose was to make a case for interracial marriage. The only happily married couples featured in the book are interracial. Also the drawbacks of dating ‘down’ are only highlighted. It’s as if he wanted to layout the pitfalls of Black marriage to say: you won’t have to deal with this if you marry someone non-black.
The book is interesting enough for me to recommend. Read it and draw your own conclusions.
December 18, 2020
I'm torn about how to rate this book. Ultimately, while I do not agree with the underlining sentiments (or research methods) of everything put forward in the book, nine years later I still think about it regularly.
The book is premised on the fact that Black women are the most unmarried group in America. Banks points to romantic segregation as the reason for this disparity and goes on to theorize why Black women are so much more romantically segregated. Some of his arguments include; negative racist societal narratives about Black women compared to the racist fetishization of Black men, cultural clashes, power imbalances, media/familial messages etc.
While Banks briefly touches on some historical realities of inequity, I finished the book feeling that the burden fell on the shoulders of Black women to undo the years and years of oppression that have created and reinforced these barriers to marriage.
Book is also very heteronormative and narrowly conceptualizes the framework of a marriage.
I rated this book 4 stars because it prompted an interesting line of thinking for me. As a light-skin Black woman (in Canada) it helped me contextualize some of the romantic experiences that I have witnessed or experienced over the years. I often find myself citing this book when providing (unqualified) dating advice to my peers and leverage the findings of the book to help challenge some of their biases.
The book is premised on the fact that Black women are the most unmarried group in America. Banks points to romantic segregation as the reason for this disparity and goes on to theorize why Black women are so much more romantically segregated. Some of his arguments include; negative racist societal narratives about Black women compared to the racist fetishization of Black men, cultural clashes, power imbalances, media/familial messages etc.
While Banks briefly touches on some historical realities of inequity, I finished the book feeling that the burden fell on the shoulders of Black women to undo the years and years of oppression that have created and reinforced these barriers to marriage.
Book is also very heteronormative and narrowly conceptualizes the framework of a marriage.
I rated this book 4 stars because it prompted an interesting line of thinking for me. As a light-skin Black woman (in Canada) it helped me contextualize some of the romantic experiences that I have witnessed or experienced over the years. I often find myself citing this book when providing (unqualified) dating advice to my peers and leverage the findings of the book to help challenge some of their biases.
December 7, 2018
For all of my adult life, I've been plagued with why I just can't get married. Having a crush has been equivalent to getting hit by a truck time over and time again. After so many disappointments, it became a crime for me to desire a husband, simply because what I desire is never available, or does not desire me. Every word in this book makes sense. I've always gotten attention from guys and I've always been pretty successful and self confident. But after reading this book, I realize I can't hope for what doesn't exist. I no longer believe in fairy tales after reading this book. Now that's not a bad thing. It's best to see the truth for what it is, no matter how painful if may be. The Disney fairy tale illusion is why most black women are always angry. This gives me some relief knowing I'm not the only one.
October 10, 2011
Good read. Banks makes some interesting points that are not only true from his personal experiences but is also backed by science. I appreciate that. His take-home message is that Black women should date outside their race instead of settling for a relationship with Black men who are overwhelmed by their options and as a result, engage in multiple relationships. He doesn't merely present a solution, but he also addresses the obstacles that stand in the way of these solutions. With concrete examples and statistics, Banks has presented a viable solution to a complex problem. I was a little thrown off by the title, but I am glad that I gave the book a fair chance.
August 31, 2018
Very interesting book. The author describes how the scarcity of quality men affects relationships, marriage, and society especially in the African-American community. This isn't just a black problem as the author states "white follows black". With a derth of good men, women are put in the position of lowering their standards or remaining unmarried.
July 25, 2012
Incredibly insightful - a fascinating look into the black marriage situation, particularly how it effects black women.
February 19, 2013
scary, yet interesting theories.
August 25, 2023
Thesis 1: The "marriage crisis" is not unique to black folks.
Hallelujah! Finally somebody said it, and it was a man, so people might actually believe it (true, but *eye roll* all the same). Marriage has been on the decline for decades now, and a lot of it has to do with the "success gap"--women both white and black are surpassing their male counterparts in education and income. However, the negative effects of societal trends are exacerbated in the black community by racial baggage.
Thesis 2: Marriage is a market.
A) The Man Shortage. We see the usual suspects: high rates of black male incarceration, interracial marriage of middle class, educated black men, and the success gap. However, he points out that the men who end up in prison are overwhelmingly not the men that successful black women are looking for anyway. The interracial marriage statistics are a bit more worrisome though--black men outmarry at three times the rate of black women (more than one in five black men, vs. less than one in ten black women). Finally, traditional ideas of marriage promote a male breadwinner. But given that black women earn college degrees at more than twice the rate of black men, and a labor market in which high wage industrial jobs are disappearing, that's increasingly implausible.
Banks opens Chapter 4 with a bit of sensationalism on "man sharing". He includes an anecdote from a physician with a largely black female population who says "Women are not surprised by the fact that their men are cheating on them. . . .They're not shocked and they aren't mad." o_O Really though??? So white women never get cheated on and when they do, they go slash some tires? Moving on, a 1980s study done at the University of Chicago did find that African-Americans were the least likely of all groups to have a monogamous relationship. In one predominantly black neighborhood, almost two out of every five men had simultaneous relationships with more than one sex partner. Now, the footnotes (I'm a history major and law student, how can I not read footnotes?) do state that these conclusions were drawn from much smaller sample sizes than that of the study as a whole, and thus the inference may not lie with the greater population. I know from the experiences of myself and others that man sharing definitely does happen, but I don't know if I want to believe that women are just meekly putting up with it. Unfortunately, the rising STD contraction rates of black women and articles like this aren't coming from nowhere.
B) Purchasing Power and Brand Loyalty. The simple fact is that middle class, educated black women outnumber black men who are the same. So black men hold all the cards, and they exploit them. It's nothing personal, just human nature. Banks points out that many women put up with philandering behavior because they don't want to be alone but insist on getting something out of the deal. In exchange for their acquiescence, they want expensive trips, dinners and trinkets. However, this perpetuates a cycle of distrust and discord. Successful black men now have three major disincentives to marry: the numbers on their side, women are supposedly gold diggers, and black women will remain loyal no matter what. Meanwhile, women resent men for expecting a lack of commitment with no repercussions, given that a woman who can't carry on with multiple men without being deemed a whore.
Thesis 3: More black female led interracial relationships will benefit black people as a whole.
The same way competition forces business to adjust their prices and practices, competition shapes human mating behavior. A man who is less attractive will try to make up for it through humor, accumulating wealth, or other such mechanisms.So it logically follows that if black women outdated and outmarried in the same numbers as black men, black women would step their game up and adapt to the new competition.
One of the biggest problems with black women's determination to marry within the race is the inequality. Tyler Perry movies tout the "Blue Collar Brother" as the answer but the truth is, how many bus drivers have the heart of a poet? How many mechanics have the talent, drive and ambition to open their own auto shop and thrive? Marriages are based on shared values, and a weed smoking high school dropout who lives with his mama, or even the electrician with the associate's degree who grew up in the hood, likely have little in common with a woman who went to an Ivy League school and works for a multinational corporation. That's not good or bad, it just is. Suburbanite that I am, I'll be the first one to admit that I dropped a potential suitor like a hot potato because he did a little "dope boy magic" in addition to his college internship. If the choice is ride or die, I'll just walk. Basically, compatibility in a marriage relationship goes far, far beyond race.
At the end of the day, it's about the children. Marriage isn't what's good for children--healthy, functional relationships between the two parents are. However, it's hard to provide this stability between two people who are ill suited to each other. White middle class men arguably have much more in common when it comes to values than middle class black women and blue collar brothers. Furthermore, since white men and women outmarry at more equal rates and white men vastly outnumber black men, the man shortage disappears. Black women don't have to settle for a lack of monogamy.
Thesis 4: It's more than just numbers.
A) Desire. At the heart of the interracial dating issue is the fact that many black women are either not attracted to white men at all, or just have a strong preference for black men--the way some men have a preference for women with light skin, long hair, or big boobs. What's so wrong with it? Nothing really, and there's no way to make someone feel attraction where there is none.
B) The Black Family. Some black women feel they have a duty to preserve the black family. As interracial marriages increase, we are moving closer to a beige America and some of us want to preserve the culture in our own small way. But the big issue is loyalty. Some women also feel that it would be a slap in the face to their beloved fathers, brothers and grandfathers to marry outside the race. The world still looks down on black men and it's our job to lift them up, right? Well...not really. At least, not in the way that we've been doing. Marrying outside the race doesn't mean that you think black men are unworthy, and you don't have to stop supporting the black community just because you marry outside of it. Most relationships don't make it to marriage, regardless of the two people's race. Still, it's hard to go against a lifetime of social conditioning, much less do so amid the objections of the people you hold dear.
C) Reciprocity. A study by the dating website OkCupid revealed that black women got the least responses to their personal messages. Closer examination of the data showed that other minority men--Native Americans, Asians, and Latinos--were all very likely to respond to black women, but black men were the least responsive, with white men in second. The racial divide goes both ways, and many white men think that women won't be attracted to them. And black women are afraid of being treated as a fetish object. Their fears are not unreasonable--just look at the decades of sexual exploitation at the hands of white slaveowners, and the hyper-sexualization of black women that still saturates the media of today
Although Is Marriage for White People is a rather slim volume, Banks packs in a ton of information. I've merely summarized the main points of the book, but it's still worth a read.
Hallelujah! Finally somebody said it, and it was a man, so people might actually believe it (true, but *eye roll* all the same). Marriage has been on the decline for decades now, and a lot of it has to do with the "success gap"--women both white and black are surpassing their male counterparts in education and income. However, the negative effects of societal trends are exacerbated in the black community by racial baggage.
Thesis 2: Marriage is a market.
A) The Man Shortage. We see the usual suspects: high rates of black male incarceration, interracial marriage of middle class, educated black men, and the success gap. However, he points out that the men who end up in prison are overwhelmingly not the men that successful black women are looking for anyway. The interracial marriage statistics are a bit more worrisome though--black men outmarry at three times the rate of black women (more than one in five black men, vs. less than one in ten black women). Finally, traditional ideas of marriage promote a male breadwinner. But given that black women earn college degrees at more than twice the rate of black men, and a labor market in which high wage industrial jobs are disappearing, that's increasingly implausible.
Banks opens Chapter 4 with a bit of sensationalism on "man sharing". He includes an anecdote from a physician with a largely black female population who says "Women are not surprised by the fact that their men are cheating on them. . . .They're not shocked and they aren't mad." o_O Really though??? So white women never get cheated on and when they do, they go slash some tires? Moving on, a 1980s study done at the University of Chicago did find that African-Americans were the least likely of all groups to have a monogamous relationship. In one predominantly black neighborhood, almost two out of every five men had simultaneous relationships with more than one sex partner. Now, the footnotes (I'm a history major and law student, how can I not read footnotes?) do state that these conclusions were drawn from much smaller sample sizes than that of the study as a whole, and thus the inference may not lie with the greater population. I know from the experiences of myself and others that man sharing definitely does happen, but I don't know if I want to believe that women are just meekly putting up with it. Unfortunately, the rising STD contraction rates of black women and articles like this aren't coming from nowhere.
B) Purchasing Power and Brand Loyalty. The simple fact is that middle class, educated black women outnumber black men who are the same. So black men hold all the cards, and they exploit them. It's nothing personal, just human nature. Banks points out that many women put up with philandering behavior because they don't want to be alone but insist on getting something out of the deal. In exchange for their acquiescence, they want expensive trips, dinners and trinkets. However, this perpetuates a cycle of distrust and discord. Successful black men now have three major disincentives to marry: the numbers on their side, women are supposedly gold diggers, and black women will remain loyal no matter what. Meanwhile, women resent men for expecting a lack of commitment with no repercussions, given that a woman who can't carry on with multiple men without being deemed a whore.
Thesis 3: More black female led interracial relationships will benefit black people as a whole.
The same way competition forces business to adjust their prices and practices, competition shapes human mating behavior. A man who is less attractive will try to make up for it through humor, accumulating wealth, or other such mechanisms.So it logically follows that if black women outdated and outmarried in the same numbers as black men, black women would step their game up and adapt to the new competition.
One of the biggest problems with black women's determination to marry within the race is the inequality. Tyler Perry movies tout the "Blue Collar Brother" as the answer but the truth is, how many bus drivers have the heart of a poet? How many mechanics have the talent, drive and ambition to open their own auto shop and thrive? Marriages are based on shared values, and a weed smoking high school dropout who lives with his mama, or even the electrician with the associate's degree who grew up in the hood, likely have little in common with a woman who went to an Ivy League school and works for a multinational corporation. That's not good or bad, it just is. Suburbanite that I am, I'll be the first one to admit that I dropped a potential suitor like a hot potato because he did a little "dope boy magic" in addition to his college internship. If the choice is ride or die, I'll just walk. Basically, compatibility in a marriage relationship goes far, far beyond race.
At the end of the day, it's about the children. Marriage isn't what's good for children--healthy, functional relationships between the two parents are. However, it's hard to provide this stability between two people who are ill suited to each other. White middle class men arguably have much more in common when it comes to values than middle class black women and blue collar brothers. Furthermore, since white men and women outmarry at more equal rates and white men vastly outnumber black men, the man shortage disappears. Black women don't have to settle for a lack of monogamy.
Thesis 4: It's more than just numbers.
A) Desire. At the heart of the interracial dating issue is the fact that many black women are either not attracted to white men at all, or just have a strong preference for black men--the way some men have a preference for women with light skin, long hair, or big boobs. What's so wrong with it? Nothing really, and there's no way to make someone feel attraction where there is none.
B) The Black Family. Some black women feel they have a duty to preserve the black family. As interracial marriages increase, we are moving closer to a beige America and some of us want to preserve the culture in our own small way. But the big issue is loyalty. Some women also feel that it would be a slap in the face to their beloved fathers, brothers and grandfathers to marry outside the race. The world still looks down on black men and it's our job to lift them up, right? Well...not really. At least, not in the way that we've been doing. Marrying outside the race doesn't mean that you think black men are unworthy, and you don't have to stop supporting the black community just because you marry outside of it. Most relationships don't make it to marriage, regardless of the two people's race. Still, it's hard to go against a lifetime of social conditioning, much less do so amid the objections of the people you hold dear.
C) Reciprocity. A study by the dating website OkCupid revealed that black women got the least responses to their personal messages. Closer examination of the data showed that other minority men--Native Americans, Asians, and Latinos--were all very likely to respond to black women, but black men were the least responsive, with white men in second. The racial divide goes both ways, and many white men think that women won't be attracted to them. And black women are afraid of being treated as a fetish object. Their fears are not unreasonable--just look at the decades of sexual exploitation at the hands of white slaveowners, and the hyper-sexualization of black women that still saturates the media of today
Although Is Marriage for White People is a rather slim volume, Banks packs in a ton of information. I've merely summarized the main points of the book, but it's still worth a read.
November 30, 2013
I was biased about Is Marriage for White People? before I began reading. The popular culture perception (round this way) was yet another black man telling black women that they should settle for something other than their desires in order to marry. I didn’t like the fact that another man is pimping, I mean profiting from black women’s relationship woes. I didn’t like that the brass ring is marriage (as if all all black women want is to get married insert eye roll and side eye). I didn’t like the fact that in media his message seemed primarily to be that the keepers of this elusive brass ring are white men (as if they don’t have control over enough already). So yeah, no high expectations here, but before I write my own marriage stuff, I had to survey the terrain and to my surprise, the book isn’t terrible.
It’s a good primer for the history of black relationships. It systematically walks down the black history aisle with data to support his key points. The anecdotes from his interviews make the book a livelier read. The arguments are pretty solid because they come from black women who believe them. I don’t have to agree but I concede there are women who feel this way. I thought his arguments about the structural problems that plague black marriages were right on. The argument follows that if marrying down creates black mixed marriages then why not marry out? We’re already mixing. It’s just that the last prescription for more black women to marry out so more black women can marry black seemed suspect. If the goal was to advocate for interracial marriage then why not let it just be that? Or is Banks really trying to save black marriage by dumping the outliers that make it difficult? The super successful ones should marry out (instead of down) so that the less successful ones can marry (up a little). The prescription is perplexing to me. But then I’m also not an advocate of everyone needs to be married to be happy. One would only care about the book as long as s/he accepted the premise that marriage is the relational ideal. Which I don’t. Which means there’s no need to get up in arms. Yes, there are lots of nonblack men to whom black women could marry if they wanted. Or they could marry black men. Or they could not get married at all. Options abound.
It’s a good primer for the history of black relationships. It systematically walks down the black history aisle with data to support his key points. The anecdotes from his interviews make the book a livelier read. The arguments are pretty solid because they come from black women who believe them. I don’t have to agree but I concede there are women who feel this way. I thought his arguments about the structural problems that plague black marriages were right on. The argument follows that if marrying down creates black mixed marriages then why not marry out? We’re already mixing. It’s just that the last prescription for more black women to marry out so more black women can marry black seemed suspect. If the goal was to advocate for interracial marriage then why not let it just be that? Or is Banks really trying to save black marriage by dumping the outliers that make it difficult? The super successful ones should marry out (instead of down) so that the less successful ones can marry (up a little). The prescription is perplexing to me. But then I’m also not an advocate of everyone needs to be married to be happy. One would only care about the book as long as s/he accepted the premise that marriage is the relational ideal. Which I don’t. Which means there’s no need to get up in arms. Yes, there are lots of nonblack men to whom black women could marry if they wanted. Or they could marry black men. Or they could not get married at all. Options abound.
March 17, 2021
I couldn't put it down. It was published a decade ago and I didn't read it, but it circled back around and I am glad I did. I know plenty of educated black women that are very much like the women Dr. Banks interviewed, and very often, the question remains for them, where are men on my level?
He doesn't say what you should do, rather he gives some data and anecdotal info to back up what black American women are doing that is not working. There are implications to possibly dating outside of the race so that more black women that want to marry, or at the least, find long-term suitable partners have that opportunity instead of exclusively dating black men that are either already in revolving relationships, don't meet her standards for accomplishment etc.
At some point, Gen X and Millennial have to wrestle with the fact that there simply aren't enough eligible black men for every black woman in those generations that want a monogamous relationship. There are more eligible black women than there are black men (various reasons for this that Dr. Banks mentions) and that makes the playing field uneven and gives single black men lots of power in the relationship "market" (hate using that term, but I can't think of another rn). When men have more power in dating pools, they see less of an incentive to choose one woman and settle down with her--it creates the paradox of choice.
Since women have a limited number of reproductive years, black women simply can't afford to exclusively date black men if they want loving relationships and families. Although Dr. Banks didn't explicitly state this, the thinking is black women would reclaim so much personal power by making an effort to be open to and meet quality non black males for dating and relationships.
I don't think there is something he puts in the book that I don't agree with or have found not to be true among black women friends that are single or married.
He doesn't say what you should do, rather he gives some data and anecdotal info to back up what black American women are doing that is not working. There are implications to possibly dating outside of the race so that more black women that want to marry, or at the least, find long-term suitable partners have that opportunity instead of exclusively dating black men that are either already in revolving relationships, don't meet her standards for accomplishment etc.
At some point, Gen X and Millennial have to wrestle with the fact that there simply aren't enough eligible black men for every black woman in those generations that want a monogamous relationship. There are more eligible black women than there are black men (various reasons for this that Dr. Banks mentions) and that makes the playing field uneven and gives single black men lots of power in the relationship "market" (hate using that term, but I can't think of another rn). When men have more power in dating pools, they see less of an incentive to choose one woman and settle down with her--it creates the paradox of choice.
Since women have a limited number of reproductive years, black women simply can't afford to exclusively date black men if they want loving relationships and families. Although Dr. Banks didn't explicitly state this, the thinking is black women would reclaim so much personal power by making an effort to be open to and meet quality non black males for dating and relationships.
I don't think there is something he puts in the book that I don't agree with or have found not to be true among black women friends that are single or married.
September 7, 2013
Where to begin? I feel the title is mismatched with the content of the book. The author acknowledges as much in his afterword.
"I cannot overstate the significance of the interviews in the evolution of this project. My conversations with black women transformed my vision for this book, as did their willingness to rethink their own lives. Their sense that their story had not been told was palpable. It was as though, for all their success, their lives remained invisible. I began to think of this book as a small effort to remedy that. No longer a social science project designed to evaluate alternative causes of the marriage decline, or even to systematically assess the consequences of the marriage decline, the book became more of an effort to illuminate a set of experiences that had been obscured, a casualty of attention that oscillates from the black poor to everyone else but rarely settles for long on the black middle class.
I picked up this book because the provocative title piqued my interest in what Banks might have to say about the ripple effects of the African American marriage decline. Instead, what I got was a book that seemed obsessed over the dating woes of successful black women in America. As per usual, the script devolved into what black women should do to solve the declining marriage rates of the black community. We are the saviors of black marriage, didn't you know? Turning the focus on what black women are or are not doing or what they need to do to address the social ills of the entire black community is nothing new. It's a tune I grow increasingly tired of hearing.
"I cannot overstate the significance of the interviews in the evolution of this project. My conversations with black women transformed my vision for this book, as did their willingness to rethink their own lives. Their sense that their story had not been told was palpable. It was as though, for all their success, their lives remained invisible. I began to think of this book as a small effort to remedy that. No longer a social science project designed to evaluate alternative causes of the marriage decline, or even to systematically assess the consequences of the marriage decline, the book became more of an effort to illuminate a set of experiences that had been obscured, a casualty of attention that oscillates from the black poor to everyone else but rarely settles for long on the black middle class.
I picked up this book because the provocative title piqued my interest in what Banks might have to say about the ripple effects of the African American marriage decline. Instead, what I got was a book that seemed obsessed over the dating woes of successful black women in America. As per usual, the script devolved into what black women should do to solve the declining marriage rates of the black community. We are the saviors of black marriage, didn't you know? Turning the focus on what black women are or are not doing or what they need to do to address the social ills of the entire black community is nothing new. It's a tune I grow increasingly tired of hearing.
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