How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything: Yes, Anything

by Albert Ellis

Argues that through RET, Rational-Emotive Therapy we can learn to control our emotions and explains how to acquire true mental health and happiness

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Personal Development, Philosophy, Audiobook

215 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2000

About the author

Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He held M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University and American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP). He also founded and was the President of the New York City-based Albert Ellis Institute for decades.
He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. Based on a 1982 professional survey of USA and Canadian psychologists, he was considered as the second most influential psychotherapist in history (Carl Rogers ranked first in the survey; Sigmund Freud was ranked third).

Reviews

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Albert Ellis is the reason I became a psychologist. I remember watching one of his tapes and thinking "Really? I can really talk to clients that way?" And it's true, I can really be myself and help people at the same time. Therapy is not some mamby-pamby "Tell me about your mother" sniffling on the couch for decades nonsense. It's hard work confronting the shit in your life, both the shit you do to yourself and the shit others have done to you. Ellis's no-nonsense approach can be pushy and over-bearing, but, when done with a light touch, it can be completely empowering.

[Alonzo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book. A lot of what is in it may seem like common sense, but you have to remember that people who live with mental misery aren't always able to access common sense. I did get a little upset with Ellis at one point, but I think that says more about me that about the author. The last two chapters were especially helpful for me: they have a summary and tools for maintaining the gains you make.

[Jay Cresva · Rating 5 out of 5]

An urgent call to stop Musturbating too much. Drop the shoulds, musts, in our irrational thoughts/ beliefs, and we'll conquer the everyday miseries. It was amazing seeing how those small words can make us feel so miserable.
A must for anyone suffering from shyness, panic, depression, anxiety, sadness and other non-organic/biological mental ailments.

[Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

My notes and quotes:

Ellis describes how to deal with emotional misery through Rational Emotive Therapy. The basic tenent of RET is that while we can't always control the bad things that happen to us, we can control how we react to those bad things. Misery comes from saying that you "must" do something or things "must" be a certain way. Whenever we are rigid about what we want and need then we set ourselves up to be miserable when we do not get what we want. We therefore should learn to identify our irrational beliefs and seek to replace them with rational ones.

RET is based on the scientific method of questioning cause and effect and does not require deep probing into one's past (although doing so can sometimes help you discover your irrational beliefs). We naturally feel both appropriate and inapropriate feelings when we our goals are blocked: appropriate = disappointment, regret, frustration; inappropriate = anger, panic, depression, rage. The "ABCs" of RET concern what happens when one of your goals is blocked: A=Activating event blocks your goal, C=consequences of your goal being blocked, and B=Beliefs of how you feel about your goal being blocked. Ellis points out that A does not cause you to feel bad about C, instead, your beliefs are what cause you to be miserable, not the actual consequences.

Ellis gives many insights designed to help you dispute your irrational beliefs, most of which entail you figuring out what the “shoulds” and musts are in your life that cause you to be unhappy. It's important to learn that you can have desires and preferences, but as soon as you feel that you must have something or you'll just die, then neuroses begin to take over because you can't stand the idea of not having the thing you want. In other words, when you must have something, you become miserable because you can't imagine life without the thing you want and you sabotage yourself so you won't be able to get it. Disputing irrational beliefs can be described in six steps: What irrational belief do I want to dispute and surrender? Can I rationally prove this belief? What evidence can I find to disprove this belief? Does any evidence exist for the truth of this belief? What are the worst things that could actually happen to me if I give up this belief and act against it? What good things could happen or could I make happen if I give up this belief? He also goes into using behavioral reinforcement in order to help change your irrational beliefs. There is also much danger in backsliding once you change an irrational belief (because you've held your IB your whole life).

One of the most important things about RET is that it needs to be done strongly and forcefully. If you want major results you have to dispute your IBs with all of your energy; half-hearted efforts will only get half-hearted results.

[Angela · Rating 2 out of 5]

Due to the language / word choices of the writer, it's very hard to read. Not hard as in difficult, but hard to accept his methodology.

[Young LD · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m torn on whether to really like this book or really hate it.

What I like: The difference in this method of therapy vs others such psychoanalysis is that instead of focusing on childhood and laying blame on your upbringing that caused you to be the way you are, REBT teaches you that you have the full capability to change the way you think in order to change the way you feel. The book goes into details on how to look at your thought and feelings in a structured way. This structure is called the ABC of REBT. (It claims this is a scientific method, but I would argue that this is merely analytical if not mostly philosophical thinking, but I digress).

It starts with a goal (G), or a desired outcome, like passing a test

A = activating event, some people identify this as a “trigger” to an emotion (usually negative), or a block preventing you from your goal (G), like getting bad grades on a test

C = consequence of (A) blocking (G), like feeling depressed because you didn’t pass a test

B = beliefs-feelings-behavior, these are either irrational or rational and sometimes, it is the irrational belief (iB) that misleads you to feel miserable at (C). This is an important piece in this structure because more often than not, we’re not aware of our belief, and that can make us feel helpless to the consequence (C) or (A) blocking (G). For example when we fail at something, we feel depressed (C) because we “unawaringly” and irrationally believe that we are bad “what’s wrong with me?”

D = The key focus in this method is becoming aware of our (B), and disputing it (D). This is called DiB, or Disputing irrational Beliefs, like why does failing a test make me a bad person? Or that there’s something’s wrong with me? Did anyone die from me not passing this test?

E = Effective new philosophy- a new way of thinking. The final part is replacing the irrational belief (iB) with a new belief, like I don’t need to pass this particular test, I prefer to pass it the first time, but I can take it again next time, or make up with other credits. I don’t HAVE TO or MUST do well, so long as I’m learning. So while it’s inconvenient for me to not do well this time, I know I can do better next time.

The BAD: in the attempt to give many anecdotes to illustrate this ABC structure and make it more relatable - and most of them do work, the book gave an example of Georgiana and her supposedly irrationally getting upset because her husband lusts after big busted women, in her presence, including while having sex with her.
This anecdote went on to how Georgina, with the help of the author and the therapy group, forced herself to believe in the following rational belief: “I can be loved by David (her husband) and have a good marriage even if he does lust after women with big busts!”

Why is this a problem? Well, this anecdote here made me realize that the structure probably miss an important piece: what about the personal values, I’ll acronym this (V). With the above anecdote about Georgiana, it is unclear what her goal (G) is, and what does she value. This anecdote seems to indicate that what’s rational for her is to have a happy marriage according to her husband (be okay with his lust of other women), over valuing herself and disregard her own feelings to make things happy for her husband.

Seems like bullshit to me.

Another point of concern is how this method of vigorously disputing against thinking of yourself as bad is kind of reminding me of how Anna Soronkin, a con-artist who conned 275,000 USD from others, one of them now in deep financial debt, yet don’t think of herself as a bad person in an interview on the 60 Minutes show. So is she not a bad person then because no one is bad, they’re just human who does bad deed, even if it’s immoral or unethical? Or is there a huge assumption that this ABC only applies to good ethical or moral folks who sometimes do something bad?

With that said though, I still recommend reading this book, but read it with your own analytical mind and take it with a grain of salt. I always recommend finding and using different methods to become more self-aware, so ABC of REBT and using DiB is recommended. I might reread this book again and maybe the above questions will be answered by rereading, before the internet jumps on the comment box and set me straight…

[Corey Butler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite his oddball writing style, Albert Ellis had many amazing insights into psychotherapy and was one of the pioneers of cognitive therapy. This is one of his better books. It's better written and more up-to-date than his classic work, "A New Guide to Rational Living." More importantly, it contains plenty of hands-on exercises for self-improvement. Two core insights in the book are that misery comes from how we think about events not the events themselves, and that relief comes not from understanding but from active practice in retraining your thinking.

[Bea · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’m glad to see not being the only one to find this book hard to digest. It’s been written in a poor style; is often offensive, incompetent, unnecessarily philosophical, with algorithm-like attempts to describe problems. This is definitely not for the people with a broad knowledge in the subject.
Although I can give credit for the main message of the book, packed in a length of an article would have been more satisfactory.

[Hamêd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Using REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy), Albert Ellis wages war against musturbation as the root cause of many psychological disorders. He humorously coined the word "musturbation" to point out that our musts have pernicious effects on our emotional health. There are, according to Ellis, three fundamental musts that people usually cling to, and therefore render themselves disturbed. The first must has to do with the individual and his/her irrational expectations of himself/herself. When someone tells himself/herself, "I must be perfect and act perfectly or else I am worthless," this dogmatic statement for which there's no compelling evidence, makes the person disturbed. The second must is about other people. The person who musturbates tells himself/herself that other people must treat him/her perfectly well and if they fail to do so, they are damnable and deserve to go to hell. Finally, the third must requires that the world must be exactly the way the individual wants it to be, or else it's a terrible place.

Ellis argues that this musturbatory mindset can be replaced, at least in part, by a more flexible scientific philosophy via educating individuals about the basic tenets of science. Science is not dogmatic and is always looking for facts to support its assumptions and theories. If by looking at facts we give the lie to an assumption, we forgo it and look for another one which better befits reality. There's no absolute truth in science, thereby dogmatism can be kept at bay. Now, individuals can come to terms with their beliefs, which are largely responsible for their emotions, in a scientific way. This enables people to look at their beliefs and consider them as mere assumptions and not facts.

Albert Ellis also strongly emphasizes the interdependence of thinking, feeling and acting. Each affects the other in a reciprocal way. If disputing your irrational beliefs is accompanied by acting and encountering what you irrationally avoid, you can better forsake your unhealthy beliefs and replace them with more realistic ones.

[Jeffrey Guterman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of Albert Ellis's best self-help book on rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). In "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything--Yes, Anything," Ellis makes the simple, yet profound point that "you can figure out by sheer logic that if you were only . . . to stay with your desires and preferences, and if you were never...to stray into unrealistic demands that your desires have to be fulfilled, you could very rarely disturb...yourself about anything" (p. 21). At the end of the book, Ellis identifies various unfortunate potential life circumstances and then shows readers how to use his REBT refuse to feel disturbed. I strongly recommend this book for the general public. Mental health professionals will also find this book to be a helpful resource to learn the theory and practice of REBT.

[Henry Manampiring · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very VERY good. A must read for everyone. Especially those feeling ridden by negative emotions. It is a hard advice book but very empowering. No wonder Ellis is put above Freud in terms of influence.

[Tuyet Chu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Phong cách của Ellis khác hẳn những psychologists khác, ông trao cho bệnh nhân tough love, khá phũ phàng nhưng hiệu quả nếu có thể kiên trì áp dụng phương pháp của ông. Gần đây ở VN đang nổi lên cuốn sách theo trường phái tâm lý học của Alfred Adler, mình nghĩ Ellis và Adler có rất nhiều điểm tương đồng, đều chịu sự ảnh hưởng khá lớn từ trường phái stoic và tư tưởng Buddhism. Phương pháp của Ellis đọc thấy khá hợp lý, nhưng đánh giá tính hiệu quả thì cần thời gian đọc lại và thực hành nhiều mới có thể đúc kết được.

[Kitty Thomas · Rating 1 out of 5]

This guy basically discredits the entire field of psychology just by his mere existence.

[Connor · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a wild ride. The entire time I envisioned a chaotic old man yelling at me.

As some others have noted, his approach seems almost insulting in its simplicity. I'd suggest that the primary issue is not with the approach to resolving upset or "misery" (perhaps too strong a word for what he's seeking to address with these techniques?), but with the fact that there is little here in the way of instruction around determining whether what could be considered akin to positive self-talk is sufficient to address whatever issue you're facing. He often references cases of his in which individuals expressed profound anxiety or depression and, yes, even suicidal ideation, but makes no clear distinction between the suitability of his approach for these individuals and those with "less severe" concerns. I've little doubt the author could and would challenge the above critiques, but I can't say I'd ever recommend this book to someone struggling with depression or any other mental illness. I'd fear it would send the wrong message: "you're to blame." Or "you're irrational for feeling this way." Both of which are, to my knowledge, common sources of shame and further upset (a fact which he admits in the book, but fails to address the potentially catastrophic implications of) (perhaps a corollary of this criticism is the failure to carefully and thoroughly address the reality of the biological component of many neuroses: he vaguely asserts that his methods work "most" of the time, but fails to clearly outline the multifactorial nature of many psychiatric/psychological disturbances and, in so doing, fails to state clearly the necessary limitations of an approach that seems not to account (at all) for the biological component of the things that plague many individuals; indeed, he spends virtually no time addressing the qualities that would qualify or disqualify someone from candidacy for this sort of approach).

I purchased the book from the kindle library because it was only $2 (on sale) and I find psychiatry and psychology quite fascinating. But I'd struggle to find any reason to suggest that this book is worth much more than that paltry sum.

Nevertheless, as someone who doesn't find himself debilitated by any form of serious mental illness, I can't deny the value of highlighting the importance of forcing objectivity into the subjective experiences of our daily lives. There's much to be gained (in Ellis's opinion, as well as mine) from leveraging the scientific method in this way. Whether or not that's sufficient to resolve or even improve serious emotional or psychological disturbances, I suppose I'm not technically qualified to say.

Maybe the primary issue with this book is its author's failure to clearly distinguish its intended audience, or maybe he genuinely believes these methods are suitable even for those struggling with profound (an arbitrary term itself) depression, anxiety, etc., but either way, the book is repetitive and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have to force myself to finish it.

[Kiel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A recommendation from a psychologist, this book is a guide to rational emotive behavior therapy. The most helpful part of this book is an extensive process by which to capture one’s thoughts and then assess how rational they are, and then break oneself of the habit of being emotionally neurotic to become more rational and practical. The process, even if redundant in my opinion, is quite helpful to think through. However, the worldview represented in the book is problematic in two primary ways. The main problem is that it is morally relativistic, and there is no acknowledgment of or belief in the idea of sin. Considering oneself sinful in general, or to have sinned in some specific area, is deemed irrational. Another issue is that I do not believe REBT passes the cultural test. That is to say, it seems specific only to economically middle class and above, and cultural western people. While these limitations keep me from recommending this book, I do believe it’s possible to eat the meat and spit out the bones, and there is some meat here. I listened to this one, 7.5 hours. Otherwise it’s 240 pages of godless yet sometimes helpful attacks against neurosis.

[Phil Hissom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best self help book on the market

A very practical guide to making yourself less miserable. I’ve read many self help books over the years but none as straightforward and immediately applicable. It’s also quite humorous and not without irony.

Ellis stands strongly against musts, shoulds, and ought tos and yet almost every paragraph has italicized words and exclamation points. “You must not have musts!” But I doubt that is lost on him. He’s teaching us to vigorously dispute irrational beliefs (or iBs or just Bullshit) so that we can replace them with more effective beliefs and behaviors.

The book has over a dozen exercises and tools that you can apply immediately in your life. It won’t solve all of your problems but it’ll certainly help you take greater responsibility for your life and that alone will get you further down the road than most other approaches.

[Russ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Can you strive to think and live like Spock in Kirk's world? The premise of the book is to overcome your negativity by always trying to think and act rationally. While becoming more rational is probably not a bad thing, the author gives no guidance and on how to get along in a world becoming more irrational.

[Amina Mouhamed · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was helpful but the unconscious mind is more complex than that

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is ok. Kind of Stoicism interpreted. But too repetitive, and the narrator came across as somewhat condescending at times.

[Psicoleggimi · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Questo libro vuole comunicare uno strano messaggio e cioè che tutta l’infelicità umana e i gravi disturbi motivazionali non sono necessari. Quando vi lasciate prendere da un’ansia profonda, siete ingiusti e sleali verso voi stessi.”

Quanto è difficile ammettere, la maggior parte delle volte, di avere un problema? Quanta difficoltà si prova a dover prendere in mano la propria vita e dire di aver bisogno di aiuto? Il presente libro, come dice lo stesso curatore Mario Di Pietro, psicologo e psicoterapeuta italiano, espone alcuni metodi utilizzati dalla REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) per affrontare quelle difficoltà emotive quotidiane facendo ricorso solamente a se stessi. Il volume può essere visto come un volume di autoaiuto, accompagnando la parte teorica alla parte pratica.

Ogni capitolo espone, infatti, problematiche quali rabbia, consapevolezza dei propri sentimenti, comportamenti adeguati, la forza di cadere e rialzarsi e così via, e lo fa affiancando esercizi dove a mettervi in gioco siete proprio voi stessi! Voi siete pazienti e psicologi, siete voi che mettete per iscritto quello che provate, giocando sui vostri pensieri negativi e cercando soluzioni con pensieri positivi. Alla base della REBT c’è un semplice processo che inizia con un evento scatenante, passa per le convinzioni che entrano in circolo nel nostro sistema razionale e irrazionale, lascia spazio alle conseguenze e, infine, all’effetto sul nostro comportamento. Il tutto avviene tramite argomentazioni logiche e funzionali, facendo ricorso a tecniche comportamentali, che hanno fatto sì che l’autoterapia razionale emotiva prendesse piede anche in campo scolastico e educativo, avvalendosi come strumento per la prevenzione del disagio psicologico in età evolutiva.

Tanti gli esempi e tanti gli esercizi che questo libro vi espone, in modo semplice per chi si avvicina per la prima volta alla psicologia, e in modo più complesso per chi sa già cosa vuol dire una terapia. “Ascolterete? Lavorerete? Penserete? Sicuramente potete. Spero che lo farete!”.

Recensione di Psicoleggimi

[Bobparr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Trattato da lettura costante, le frasi di Ellis servono sempre. Utilissimo e potente, da lasciare in giro per casa e ogni tanto rileggersi un capitolo.

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some great concepts but very repetitive

I appreciated and found some help from some of the principles in this book. However, it has a very humanistic viewpoint and should be balanced with Biblical teaching. I did not bother to read the appendix.

[Jyotika Varmani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being familiar with REBT principles, this book was an easy read for me. Nonetheless, I think this book is written with due consideration for those encountering Ellis' principles for the first time, since it is written in simple language with elaborate illustrations.

Ellis, as always, has taken a very assertive approach in presenting his ideas. This is the best part of all his books, that he actually works from the methods he prescribes. He has written this book in the style of an informal discussion that a teacher would have with a group of students, which makes it very appealing. This book chiefly explains why, and more importantly how, a person can avoid placing dogmatic conditions on the self, others and the environment. Another very appealing aspect is that Ellis shares a lot of practical techniques for using his principles, which gives the reader concrete tools for self improvement.

All in all, I definitely recommend this book to anyone seeking to make a complete shift in the perspective that they are presently taking to their life, which I think most of us need to do today.

[Irene Jurna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Toen ik op een dag wakker werd en wist dat er iets mis was: dat ik niet wist hoe ik moest leven; en me realiseerde dat ik dat nooit zou weten. Toen ik voelde dat er iets stuk was. Ik me niet langer ondersteund, niet erg geschikt en niet productief voelde. Toen raadde iemand mij dit boek aan.

‘Moeten maakt gek’ ziet eruit als het zoveelste niet-helpende zelfhulpboek. Maar Albert Ellis schrijft wel degelijk behulpzame dingen. De basisboodschap: je bent zelf verantwoordelijk voor de dingen die je doet, denkt en voelt (en als een van de drie verandert, veranderen de beide andere ook).

Maar dat denken! Zoals je mogelijk herkent, is dat niet zo makkelijk te veranderen. En of dit boek je daarbij helpt... Voor mij was het geen tovermiddel. Maar het gaf me wel een aantal methodes waarmee ik mijn gedachten op moeilijke ochtenden kan uitdagen.

En als dat niet lukt: gewoon opstaan. “Gewoon opnieuw beginnen. En opnieuw. En opnieuw.”

[Michaela Hill]

Hate it, so far. The author is ponpuos and arrogant. A mentor recommended it.

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Also great REBT primer, I assign chapters for clients to read as homework.

[Elaine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good message, but it did not need to be a whole book. Pretty early on, I felt a bit beaten over the head with one or two ideas.

[Andrew Lisi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superbo!
Consigliatomi da mio fratello, psicologo e neuroscienziato, ho trovato in questo libro anche più di quello che cercavo (cioè un metodo di gestire la rabbia e gli attacchi di panico in mezzo alla strada o alle folle).

Il tipo di psicologia e auto-terapia promulgato da Ellis risuona con i miei valori di razionalità e pensiero scientifico, così come nel mio retroterra filosofico stoico.
Conferma inoltre alcuni dubbi che ho sempre nutrito verso la classica psicanalisi, ovvero che sia utile magari a capire ma non a risolvere i problemi personali, e che nella sua inefficacia si nasconde anche lo sviluppo facile di una dipendenza dal professionista.

Al di là dei concetti, che ho messo subito alla prova, ho trovato molto utili gli esercizi di Ellis.

Data l'attualità e la pervasività crescente della depressione e delle malattie mentali (proprio ieri ho saputo del suicidio di uno scrittore 60enne di successo che seguivo, e purtroppo tante storie simili e anche meno gravi ma altrettanto tristi negli ultimi anni) credo che chiunque - anche chi preferisce altri approcci e "sfoghi" per le sue nevrosi - troverà beneficio in questo Manuale.

[Anastasia Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generally good actionable advice, but the philosophy behind it is flawed. It places full blame on the individual for their internal experiences, even uses contemptuous language when giving examples of REBT not working for individuals as if REBT should apply to *everyone* and if it's not working, the person isn't trying (which would be an iB according to his own philosophy).

In one example, he has a woman do REBT for months to stop her insecurities that came from watching her husband stare at beautiful women instead of teaching how to effectively communicate in asking him to gawk less in front of her.

It really doesn't cover the complexities of dealing with negative circumstances that, when used naively or maliciously, can teach someone how to tolerate unhealthy circumstances (such as IPV) by inflexibly assuming that the recipient's belief systems are the cause of their misery when, in reality, it's not as black or white that the book states. Although even Ellis doesn't say it's black or white. He says it's 100% the onus of the person in misery.

I think the book can legitimately be helpful in the actionable tools it provides when used appropriately. It's easy to get carried away by his charisma in the way he writes, but there are so many limitations that don't get addressed and would be important for laymen to know before reading.

[Kristína Žilíková · Rating 2 out of 5]

nečakala som taký priepastný rozdiel medzi dvomi knihami rovnakého autora. do polovice som to dala, potom mi pretiehol pohár trpezlivosti - autor v takmer každej vete potopil všetky (no najmä psychoanalýzu) terapeutické smery a nezabudol dodať, že RET má na to všetko správne riešenie. keby aj hej, ten štýl písania mi ani náhodou nesadol. koncepty a myšlienky super a užitočné, ale zmestili by sa do piatich strán.