The Year My Son and I Were Born: A Story of Down Syndrome, Motherhood, and Self-Discovery

by Kathryn Lynard Soper

With six other children at home, Kathryn Lynard Soper was prepared for the challenges another newborn would bring. But after Thomas's complicated birth, his diagnosis—Down syndrome—forced her to face her deepest fears and weaknesses, her ignorance and prejudice, and her limitations as a mother and as a human being. Her struggle, coupled with the demands of caring for a fragile baby and juggling her family's needs, sparked the worst episode of depression she'd experienced in decades.

The Year My Son and I Were Born is Soper's brutally honest yet beautiful account of how she escaped a downward spiral of despair and emerged with newfound peace. Antidepressant therapy restored her equilibrium, and interactions with friends and family brought needed perspective. But the most profound change came through her growing relationship with Thomas. His radiant presence shone through her outer layers of self, where fear and guilt festered, and reached the center of her very being—where love, acceptance, and gratitude blossomed in abundance.

A Reading Group Guide is available at: http://kathrynlynardsoper.com/memoir/...

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Parenting, Book Club, Biography Memoir, Biography, Love

336 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 3, 2009

Reviews

[Jodi Robinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was so moved by this open, honest and true account of a mother who gives birth to her 7th child--her son Thomas who is borne with an extra chromosome, a down syndrome baby. With six other children, a busy husband, and predisposed notions about disabilities, this mother shares her journey to accept this new life and this new role as mother to Thomas. The book explores coming to terms with real anxieties about disabilities and along the way you fall in love with the story, with the family, and with Thomas. It's a favorite book for sure! This mother and son journey to a deep and forever love is beautiful, warm, honest, and real. Loved it. Absolutely loved it.

[Lyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so good. It was emotional and honest and heart warming and heart wrenching all at the same time. I crave memoirs with honesty and this felt so honest to me. I thought so many of her feelings and fears and expectations were applicable to all mothers - not just those raising children with disabilities.

[Carol · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a great book. It is about a mother who gives birth to her seventh child and he has downs syndrome. It is very real and honest and follows her ups and downs as she comes to accept and love her new son for who he is and realizes that she can love her other children also for who they are and not what they achieve. It will especially ring clear for those who have a handicapped child or those like me who did not know at first what thier newborns abilities would be. It really brought me back to those first few years with Jason(who left last week to serve a fulltime mission in New Zealand), when every time I saw a handicapped adult or child out in public and wondered if that would be him. This is an LDS author but is written for anyone to read.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is truly remarkable.
It is now one of my favorites.

This tells the story of a mother of 6, Kathryn Soper, who goes through a journey beginning with having her 7th child 10 weeks early, not only does that come with its own set of problems, but then she finds out that he has Down syndrome. She battles with her thoughts about that and she takes the reader through her slow journey to get through all the obstacles.

When i read it i could imagine that i was right there, in the mix of it all.
She writes beautifully & powerfully.

It is a phemonenal book & i highly recommend it!

Some of my favorite quotes from the book are:

"Yes, my love for Thomas was polluted with disappointment, resentment, even embarrassment. In the most secret corner of my heart, i was ashamed I'd given birth to a flawed baby. But what kind of mother mourned her living child? And what kind of Mormon doubted God's will?"


(On leaving Thomas in the NICU while she went home to care for the other 6 children) :
"I wanted to hide from everyone. Even more, I wanted to hide from the truth: I'd left a baby behind, a baby I both welcomed and feared. And I didn't know which hurt more- my longing to bring him home, or my relief that he wasn't home yet".

"Many mormons believe it's an honor to be given a child like Thomas, whose spirit will remain unsullied by the world. Half the world wanted me to be happy, and the other half wanted me to be sad- and I was both. "

(Kathryn asking her husband about the baby blessing) "When you said Thomas had a unique mission on earth, did you have any sense of what that might be?

Reed (her husband): "Not specifically. I just know that he'll be able to do whatever he came here to do. He paused. But I don't think it really matters what he does. He's valuable even if he never does anything.What matters is who he is. "

(Kathryn reflecting on Thomas) "Thomas's diagnosis brought some inherent difficulties, like health concerns and education issues, but the stuff that really hurt didn't come from Down syndrome. It came from my reaction to Down syndrome. And that reaction was based largely on ignorance and prejudice. How much grief stemmed from my twisted beliefs that faster meant smarter, smarter meant better, and better meant happier? The bulk of my suffering had been self-inflicted. "

(One evening in their home while they are having family testimony meeting)
Their son Andrew commented, "I want to share my testimony that I know we're blessed to have Thomas in our family". Everyone got quiet. "I know we can help him, and he can help us. I love him so much. "

Then their daughter, Christine, followed, " Sometimes I wonder what heaven will be like, but I think i already know, because of Thomas."

(Kathryn thinking about that night) "He (Thomas) had no idea what he'd done for us, just by being himself. Just by existing. Every day, he reminded us what really mattered- and it had nothing to do with communication methods, or classroom situations, or goal sheets. What mattered was being together. What mattered was love, small and sweet and simple. "

Maybe that extra chromosome acted like Teflon, preventing anything heavy or dark from sticking to Thomas's soul.

[Amy Hillis · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a cleanly-written, sometimes humorous, and insightful glimpse into a year in the life of a mother and her son with Down's Syndrome. I read it in hours and found it both riveting and disturbing. I am a lover of a non-fiction tale and was suitably sucked in immediately.

The author recounts many difficulties including the horrors of a premature birth and her son's stay in a NICU, a strained marriage, the trials of listening to others fumble with words over her situation, family that could not meet her emotional needs, the strain of the entire situation on her other children... She ran the gamet and easily shared the broad strokes of the stress and disheartening drama of it all.

Personally, I struggled with Kathryn herself, which was completely unexpected. As riveting as the read was, I found myself recoiling at the harsh tone of the author and the overall sentiment that nothing anyone could do would be right. Bringing the family meals wasn't right - watching her children wasn't right - leaving her alone wasn't right - being perky wasn't right - and then it occurred to me that the author was in a depressive state. Sure enough, she admitted that later on and confessed that depression is an ongoing struggle for her. It was hard for me to read her caustic commentary on the actions of others when I felt they might not have been accurately portrayed - not because she is a liar, but because she perceived their actions through her own dark lens.

While I will work to overcome it, the recounting of that year of her life with her son made me feel significantly less inclined to reach out to others who are struggling in this way knowing the level of disdain I am inadvertently, yet likely, to cause.

Overall, I enjoyed the book and learned as much about the devastating effects of depression on a woman, her soul, and her family as I did about parenting alongside disabilities. I was reminded that all of us are "broken."

[Robin Malcomson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one is a struggle for me to review. I had conflicting thoughts and emotions throughout the entire book. It is well written and very honest, BUT....
There a two strong sides to me. One side is the "just get over it and do what you need to do" side, and the "wow, I can really sympathize with what you are going through...and it has to be really tough"
I have to say I am a little shocked at how much this diagnosis rocked her world. True a lot of the hardship she was going through had to do with the fact that Thomas has major health issues related to his premature birth, more so than his Down Syndrome. Also her postpartum depression plays a HUGE roll in the experience.

This is a quote from another review that mirrors my thoughts on this book so completely that I decided to just cut and paste.

"Where I had difficulty is in her coping process itself. Although there were many thoughts and ideas I understood and sympathized with, there were also many times when I balked at her behavior and thought-processes, both within her own mind and outwardly to others. A bit more than halfway through the book I was almost ready to put it down at my sheer frustration with how blindly she allowed her own issues to mar a situation that did not have to be as difficult as she made it. Of course, this is a telling of her own personal experience and she cannot be faulted for the honesty which is essential in making the book as good as it is."

In the end, I felt like once she had started taking some meds to help her postpartum depression, and once she had some more "time" under her belt, she made some really interesting discoveries about herself and her family. Her insight on some thoughts and situations, and even how she herself had behaved a few months prior was valuable and I would say even redeeming.

[Shelah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A couple of days ago, a friend came over to my house and asked if she could borrow a few books. I took her through my unpacked and accessible stash and handed her this as a possibility. "Oh, this one is really good," I said. "Is it just good because she's a friend of yours?" she asked. "No, it's legitimately good," I assured her. She took it home with her.

I'm interested to hear what my friend has to say, but I really do think that Kathy Soper's memoir is legitimately good, excellent even, and not just because she's a friend, a mentor, and the Editor-in-Chief at Segullah. I devoured The Year My Son and I Were Born, finishing it in less than 24 hours, and although I don't have a child with Down Syndrome, there were so many parts of the book that resonated with me. Kathy writes with such honesty about being an overachiever and wanting her children to follow in her footsteps, and that's something I can totally identify with. I want my children to reflect well on me, sometimes to their detriment. Kathy's memoir inspired me to try to love my children for who they are and help them become their best selves, even if their best self isn't reflective of the self I want them to become.

[Eliza · Rating 4 out of 5]

I polished this off in an afternoon. Opened my eyes and heart wider to the possibilities for growth through trials for all of us as humans, and to our capacity to love. Very tender, a little bleak at times, very hopeful at times, maybe a little too analytical/philosophical at times (pot -> kettle: black), and not sentimental. Recommended.

I also very much enjoyed Soper's essay compilations, "Gifts" and "The Mother in Me." (she was the editor and wrote I think one essay for each.)

[Rach · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many mixed feelings about this book. I was angry and frustrated for more than half the book, until she finally got herself the help she needed! But it doesn’t really matter what I think because this was the authors honest experience and whether it frustrated me or not, I gained a lot of insight, learned a lot about love, acceptance, and what matters most. Definitely worth the read, I think anyway.

[Lora · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brutally honest personal journey for this mom of a child with Down's Syndrome. "...Thomas's radiant presence touched us every day. How it happened was still a mystery. Maybe that extra chromosome acted like Teflon preventing anything heavy or dark from sticking to his soul. But I still couldn't believe that his soul was that much different from mine...or anyone else's." (322)

[Rosanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amazingly honest. Coming from a family of 7 kids myself, it was an incredible insight into being the mama of so many! And with a child with complex needs including hospitalization and medical equipment it was not at all surprising that Soper went under. Kathryn's honesty with her battle with depression and with accepting that as a person of faith she was "allowed" to have depression, and then the amazing transformation after she started taking medication was insightful and hopefully helpful to many who end up in the same place.

[Niamh · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

[Tanya Wadley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great book so far, very thoughtful and easy to relate to. That was how I felt after reading the first couple of chapters... but now it's far from favorite reading. It seems more about Ms. Soper and her Post-Partum Depression and personal mental health (which she finally starts to deal with through medication 2/3 of the way through the book... all the while putting down people who turn to meds to deal with mental health issues... go figure).

For some reason I sometimes feel guilty doing a negative book review... I had such high expectations starting this book. But now that I'm 2/3 of the way through, I'm forcing myself to finish (I'm looking forward to the epiphanies coming up... they must be coming up based on the title). If Ms. Soper were able to find a way to compress the first 200 pages into 60, I could like it a lot more... but 200 pages of "Woe is me, no one can say or do anything right, blah, blah, blah" is just too much (and it doesn't look like that will end anytime soon).

It also gets tiresome the way she stereotypes other people (especially people at her church). There seems to be something wrong about the things she writes about both the failing of others and herself, making her come across as an extremely judgmental person. It's hard to do, but we all have had multiple people in our lives who have said the wrong thing on occasion... to publish it is less than ideal... especially since we ourselves have said the wrong thing, and I can tell by her writing that she has probably been an unintentional offender on many occasions.

I suppose this is a fairly realistic writing on the adjustment to having the unexpected and in some ways unwanted child. It seemed to me that she took way too long to embrace it. One side of me can feel a lot of understanding since I am overwhelmed with four children (without any "disabilities", although extremely challenging nevertheless). But another side of me dislikes all the attention she puts on herself when so many others embrace and deal with a special needs children with more dignity, and don't get any special attention for doing it. In fact, I told a friend of mine with a Down's child that I was reading this book... and now I hope she never reads it, because I think she would not like the book... she is one who has embraced her "special job" from the beginning. I would be surprised if she had ever felt self-pity (but if she did she got over it pretty darn fast).

Even though I don't like the book, it does seem that Ms. Soper has developed and grown into a better person from her personal experiences. Hopefully others who have an initially very difficult time with accepting a special needs child will get through it more easily with some idea of the better things to come.

Will add more later when I finish.

[library lola · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 of 5 stars

This book is very hard to really write a review on. First, I should mention that I accept this book as this woman's truthful journey through accepting, dealing with and eventually flourishing after the diagnosis of her 7th child having Down Syndrome. The text itself is well written, well thought out and emotionally moving.

Where I had difficulty is in her coping process itself. Although there were many thoughts and ideas I understood and sympathized with, there were also many times when I balked at her behavior and thought-processes, both within her own mind and outwardly to others. A bit more than halfway through the book I was almost ready to put it down at my sheer frustration with how blindly she allowed her own issues to mar a situation that did not have to be as difficult as she made it. Of course, this is a telling of her own personal experience and she cannot be faulted for the honesty which is essential in making the book as good as it is.

I was particularly put off by her thoughts concerning religious stereotypes and the misguided feelings she had towards the members of her congregation during the first year of her son's life. I am also a member of the same church as the author, and it really should be stated that the views she shared as norms and expectations in the Mormon Church are not universal, but are largely affected by HER personal views. I have never felt the same pressures to display perfection, buck up and put on a brave front that she seems to communicate is present in the Mormon faith in general.

Thankfully, the last third of the book resolves as she comes into her own acceptance of the diagnosis, how it affects her family dynamic and her life. She even resolves her feelings towards her church congregation and well-meaning friends. She leaves on an uplifting note, however, I was left with a still lingering, slightly bitter taste in my mouth at what I feel is a completely honest, yet disheartening view at processing grief, change and altered expectations.

[Michael Austin · Rating 5 out of 5]

The epigraph to Kathryn Lynard Soper's THE YEAR MY SON AND I WERE BORN comes from the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell which encloses your understanding." This is a brilliantly chosen quotation--one that sums up the heart and soul of the book as only a great poet can do. It is a book about learning from a painful situation and growing from an unanticipated, and unchosen, challenge.

Like all great memoirists, Soper is brutally honest with her readers. She does not hide her most horrible thoughts from us, but neither does she hide her altruistic motivations and her moral triumphs. She is neither the hero nor the villain of her own story, but, as the title suggests, the person who undergoes the greatest transformation. She learns extraordinary lessons as she forges a relationship with Thomas, her seventh child, who was born with Down syndrome, but she does not pretend to resolve all of the tensions that her narrative sets up. Rather, she learns (or at least begins to learn) how to live with those tensions and to live well in spite of them.

In LORD JIM, Joseph Conrad wrote that "the question is not how to get cured, but how to live." I have always agreed, and I suspect that Kathryn Lynard Soper would as well. Her book is not about triumphing over obstacles (indeed, it would be impossible, after reading the book, to refer to Thomas as an "obstacle") but about moving forward when moving forward is the only option. It is about an ordinary person doing extraordinary things because the circumstances require it--and learning extraordinary lessons as a result. An extraordinary person, Soper suggests, may simply be ordinary person who does what it takes to keep living.

THE YEAR MY SON AND I WERE BORN is a gift to its readers. Over and over, Soper gives us much of the knowledge and understanding that she purchased at a great price. But--and this is infinitely more important--she also gives us hope.

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kathryn is still in the hospital and her mom and the children have arrived. They have to check immunizations and cleanse the children. This book is so powerful. I've never been a parent so I try to glean what I can from experiences of parents. As I met a lot of parents with special needs online, I have learned so much about love. Not all parents can handle a special need's child and I don't want to judge those who are not able to handle this emotionally, financially, or spiritually. Some people are not able to even handle a healthy child. This is the most real journey that I have read so detailed and insightful. The language is so beautiful. I've been reading the literary journal, Segullah, which she edits since 2005 and read the blog. So I thought I wanted to see what this book is all about. Wow!(The following is after I finished) The book really focuses on so many real emotions, which the Kathryn so honestly shares so that people can know that they are normal if they wrestle with such feelings. The birth of a special needs child will change their family in so many ways that they never dreamed. She also shows how treating depression can help a person see clearly again. But the depression followed other births and other periods in her life though it was the deepest after the birth of her 7th child. There are a lot of ups and downs. It is a very sweet read.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am having a hard time deciding how much I liked this book. It was interesting enough that it kept me up late continuing to turn the pages, but on some level it fell short of what I expected. In addition to Down syndrome, there are some other dominating themes in the story as well: the struggles of caring for a large family (I can relate); her Mormon faith (I had a hard time with all the religious stuff); and postpartum depression. Honestly, I thought the first half+ of the book was dominated more by her struggle with PPD than by Down syndrome. She's extremely honest and forthright about her struggles to come to terms with her son's diagnosis, and I related to a lot of it, but other things, not so much. But it goes without saying that everyone's experience is unique. I never felt like I connected with the mom/author, which perhaps was the biggest disappointment to me, and somehow her son with Ds, Thomas, seems to be only a supporting character in the story. I think I would have liked to give this book 2.5 stars.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm guessing Ms. Soper intentionally wrote her bitter, nasty, fatalist last line into each chapter on purpose, but I did find it a bit too much after a while. Despite this one complaint I was keenly interested in the story she told of her own coming to terms with her seventh child having Trisomy 21, or Down's Syndrome.

Yes, she was honest. She excelled at painting the picture of her psyche, her chaotic home, her prison bedroom, her cold marriage, her terrible plummet into an inability to cope with even the smallest effort in her life.

And she wrote of her recovery equally well. A slow realization into the truth of her situation, and a rapid ascent into healing. Postpartum depression is an ugly beast by itself, but snarling on the heels of coping with the reality of a disabled child would throw me into a state I don't like to think of.

This being a true story, and the child being a real little boy, I am grateful to know that Soper found the place she needed to be to enjoy the life they share.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't often put books that I read in here but this one I wanted to. I saw a mention of it recently, and since I'm still excited that our library system here has LDS books I put it on hold and it came in today. The kids wanted to go to the pool tonight so I took it along to read, and ended up reading the whole thing. There were things about the book I didn't love, but as a whole I really really loved it. She does such a great job of showing the pit of depression and despair she was experiencing, and explaining about her resistance to antidepressants because surely if she was "good enough" she wouldn't need them. I've never had much experience around kids with Down's syndrome but I could still relate with many of her experiences--premature birth (I was giving thanks again for my painfree c-section as I read her birth description), zillions of doctors visits, postpartum depression, etc. In the end I felt uplifted and really glad that I'd read this book. (And still excited that I was able to get it from the library!)

['becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Her little Thomas was born just a year or so before William I think. It was so good to read that she has had some of the same thoughts as I have had. I didn't and don't have all of her challenges, but we both have a little boy with Down syndrome. And, therefore, have experienced some life-changing things the same.

It's nice to know there are other parents out there who don't buy into the stereotypes (even the positive ones...though of course I'd take them over the negative ones any day). Some of this was hard to read (emotionally). But I laughed aloud at the I've-so-been-there parts, and got teary frequently throughout as she and her family discovered the things that were really important. Well-written.

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has reminded me that all is not as it appears when we look at other people. And that we, as mothers, just do the best we can when we are raising our children and hopefully our best will be enough. This book is a well written, very honest account of a clinically depressed mom trying to cope with life after having her seventh child 10 weeks early and coming to terms with his Down Syndrome. It was eye-opening to have her share her thought processes. She literally had to go through the grieving process for her son before she was really able to discover joy. There are lessons to be learned from this story.

[Kris Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a VERY honest book about loving a child with Down Syndrome. The author is an obvious perfectionist with older children who excelled in everything they did. She worried she could not love a child who was not as smart or quick as her others. At times, I cringed as I read her feelings but they felt very real and I can't say I wouldn't have a lot of the same feelings. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and it made me appreciate that no family is perfect even if it appears to be on the outside. Being able to let go of that need for perfection is really freeing and healthy. GREAT book! I've been thinking about it constantly ever since I started reading it!

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

A remarkably honest account of dealing with a Down syndrome diagnosis. Soper's account was painful at times, especially in that my own experience was so very similar. "Difficult" doesn't begin to describe it, but Soper survives and then thrives. She has a unique perspective in that she is entrenched in a Mormon community where "special" children are highly valued... but she herself is having trouble seeing that.

This was a refreshing read after having just finished Kelle Hampton's charmed and carefully polished account.

I've moved past diagnosis but this book was still like salve to my soul.

[Teri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of those books that is hard to put down!!! I loved the author's writing and her willingness to share her personal story with the world! She had so many good things to say! Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us! I do not have a personal Down Syndrome story, but I am expecting my first grandchild who has been "diagnosed" with Fibular Hemimelia, which is a rare condition that affects the bones in one or both legs and feet. Many children have amputations. There are many unknowns at this point but, one thing I know, we will be blessed to know and love this little one and our lives will never be the same again! Thank you, Kathryn Soper!

[Maralise · Rating 4 out of 5]

An intimate portrait of grief, the kind that mourns the hidden fears of loss and failure that lurk within us all. And of course, the kind of grief that tranforms its bearer, teaching them about the long dark night but also about the beauty of the brilliant morning sun. Yes, this is a book about mothering a child with Downs Syndrome, but also a universal story of motherhood and self-awareness. It may be trite to say that it's a story about love, but as with all things, love has both yin and yang. Kathryn is bold enough to explore both.

[Shanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent, honest, touching, and life-altering. I had my eyes opened to my own shortcomings. I highly recommend this book to EVERYONE. I was moved to tears on several occasions, especially while the author was relating her experiences with the NICU as the memories of the isolettes and alarms from my own baby's time in the NICU are still recent. The author shared her journey of self-discovery while guiding me on my own as I read her story. Once I started reading, I couldn't put it down.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a mother to a DS baby I found this book to be wonderful. I simply couldn't put it down. I did have a hard time understanding some of the authors feels but it was great for me to read about someone else's journey & emotions. In the beginning a DS diagnosis takes you on such a roller coaster ride. You mourn for the the baby you thought you'd have & have to adjust to what life will now be for both you & your baby. Everyone grieves differently & even though I didn't have as hard a time dealing & adjusting as this mom did it was still inspirational. Her honesty is much appreciated!

[Allyson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such an amazing book!! I'd recommend this to every parent of a special-needs kiddo, if not every parent. Thomas sounds like the sweetest kid, as well as his brothers and sisters. There were times when I could relate to what he and his mom went through, times when I wanted to just curl up and cry for them and times that I laughed out loud. It's books like this, that give parents a little bit of hope, gratitude and time to focus on them....especially when their kid has something that's not classified as "normal".

[Carly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could relate to so many elements in this book. In fact, it felt like I could have written some of it. I appreciated the author's honesty in writing about her feelings and experience. Opening yourself up like that is such a difficult thing to do. This book made me laugh and cry in turns. Thanks to my friend for sending me the book. I think this was actually the first non-fiction book I've read without falling asleep in the middle of it (except from sheer exhaustion, which is what happens when you read a book while nursing a newborn).

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure how I would feel about this book. I was half-expecting a sappy, "poor pity me" type of book. What I found was a well-written journey of acceptance, understanding and love. I appreciated the openness and honesty of the author to share thoughts and feelings that showed her weaknesses. I ended up really liking the book. I have a special needs child and found that although our journeys were not the same, there was enough in common to help me feel a bond with the author. Good book!