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Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star
Yes, It All Really Happened Just Like This. . .
Here's the story of Rich Merritt--the good son, teacher's pet, Southern gentleman, model Christian student at Bob Jones University, Marine officer, and the not-so-anonymous poster boy for a New York Times Magazine article on gays in the military--whose complicated sexual past caused an international scandal when The Advocate "outed" him as "The Marine Who Did Gay Porn," putting his life in a tailspin. It's the compelling, poignant story of how a boy who never listened to pop music, never cursed, and didn't have his first drink until he was eighteen exploded into a life of drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, prostitution, and pornography. And above all, it's a triumphant story of self-forgiveness and identity, of a man who refused to allow himself to be defined by the standards of anyone else--gay or straight. Along the way, Rich Merritt writes with humor, compassion, insight and naked truth about:
What it's really like growing up behind the "Fortress of Fundamentalism" and how he ultimately came to despise their views
The harsh realities of military life under the "Don't ask, don't tell" Clinton policy
A real insider's experience of working in the male porn industry--the good, the bad, and the extremely hot
Why he chose not to reveal his porn past to the New York Times journalist
What it felt like to be the most notorious marine in the world and what it took to come through the fire
By turns harrowing and heartbreaking, angry and affirming, Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star is that rarest of memoirs--a fascinating slice of life that reads like the most absorbing fiction, but is all true.
Rich Merritt has written an Op-Ed column for the Navy Times. He has been profiled for The New York Times Magazine, The Los Angeles Times, and The Advocate. Stories about him have appeared in the London Times, The Washington Post and many other publications. He is now an attorney living in Atlanta."
Here's the story of Rich Merritt--the good son, teacher's pet, Southern gentleman, model Christian student at Bob Jones University, Marine officer, and the not-so-anonymous poster boy for a New York Times Magazine article on gays in the military--whose complicated sexual past caused an international scandal when The Advocate "outed" him as "The Marine Who Did Gay Porn," putting his life in a tailspin. It's the compelling, poignant story of how a boy who never listened to pop music, never cursed, and didn't have his first drink until he was eighteen exploded into a life of drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, prostitution, and pornography. And above all, it's a triumphant story of self-forgiveness and identity, of a man who refused to allow himself to be defined by the standards of anyone else--gay or straight. Along the way, Rich Merritt writes with humor, compassion, insight and naked truth about:
What it's really like growing up behind the "Fortress of Fundamentalism" and how he ultimately came to despise their views
The harsh realities of military life under the "Don't ask, don't tell" Clinton policy
A real insider's experience of working in the male porn industry--the good, the bad, and the extremely hot
Why he chose not to reveal his porn past to the New York Times journalist
What it felt like to be the most notorious marine in the world and what it took to come through the fire
By turns harrowing and heartbreaking, angry and affirming, Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star is that rarest of memoirs--a fascinating slice of life that reads like the most absorbing fiction, but is all true.
Rich Merritt has written an Op-Ed column for the Navy Times. He has been profiled for The New York Times Magazine, The Los Angeles Times, and The Advocate. Stories about him have appeared in the London Times, The Washington Post and many other publications. He is now an attorney living in Atlanta."
468 pages, Paperback
First published May 31, 2001
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250 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
June 23, 2021
Real Rating: 3.75* of five, rounded up because he's really pretty
Gay guys who become porn stars are very interesting to me. Their stories, I suppose, are all very much alike, and very much like the stories that drive women to pornography...low self-esteem, a sense of failure in one's life, a desire to capitalize on physical beauty while it lasts, greed, the usual. But those driving forces aren't unique to these people, they're common to all of us in some degree or another. Why do these folks do this (to me) very scary and risky job?
This author pilots us through his decisions made and accepted with a degree of skill and a commendable lack of embarrassment. He informs the reader of his choices and seems, while not endorsing them with hindsight, not to disavow the life he lived, either. The sense I get is of a guy I'd enjoy kickin' back with a beer, some nachos, and a bunch of good jazz CDs on shuffle with.
Plus he's really so very pretty to look at.
Gay guys who become porn stars are very interesting to me. Their stories, I suppose, are all very much alike, and very much like the stories that drive women to pornography...low self-esteem, a sense of failure in one's life, a desire to capitalize on physical beauty while it lasts, greed, the usual. But those driving forces aren't unique to these people, they're common to all of us in some degree or another. Why do these folks do this (to me) very scary and risky job?
This author pilots us through his decisions made and accepted with a degree of skill and a commendable lack of embarrassment. He informs the reader of his choices and seems, while not endorsing them with hindsight, not to disavow the life he lived, either. The sense I get is of a guy I'd enjoy kickin' back with a beer, some nachos, and a bunch of good jazz CDs on shuffle with.
Plus he's really so very pretty to look at.
October 13, 2020
In 1998 there was a New York Times Magazine article anonymously featuring several gay marines during the time of don't ask don't tell. There was a push, almost from the policy's inception, to repeal it, and this article was written in support of allowing those gay in the military to serve openly. The well-known photo of the marine on the cover of the article whose face is hidden by a salute is Rich Merritt. Unbeknownst to the article's author, Merritt was also a porn star, appearing in 8 films while on active duty, which was revealed in an article in The Advocate a few months later. For a while (and even now), this made him the country's most notorious marine.
This book is much less scandalous than the title suggests, even as it depicts his alcohol and drug abuse, his time in porn, and some other poor relationship choices. Rich details his life from birth to well after his marine service and the notorious article, with a strong focus on his fundamentalist family and upbringing. I mistakenly assumed this was self-published given the desperate need for an editor, some clearer information on a few topics, and an abrupt, non-ending. It's an interesting story even though I wish it was written a bit better.
This book is much less scandalous than the title suggests, even as it depicts his alcohol and drug abuse, his time in porn, and some other poor relationship choices. Rich details his life from birth to well after his marine service and the notorious article, with a strong focus on his fundamentalist family and upbringing. I mistakenly assumed this was self-published given the desperate need for an editor, some clearer information on a few topics, and an abrupt, non-ending. It's an interesting story even though I wish it was written a bit better.
April 22, 2012
I managed to briefly meet Rich Merritt in New Orleans at Saints and Sinners. His memoir, then, didn't really surprise me in its forthright, candid tone, but it really did take me aback with his ability to weave a true story into something so engrossing.
From his beginnings inside the "Fortress of Fundamentalism," and schooling at Bob Jones University, Merritt tells his tale clearly, concisely, and with a strong touch of storytelling that lets you glimpse the threads that were weaving through his life, without showing you the end result until he leads you there. Becoming a marine, a porn star, being outed by the very culture he was trying to support, addiction, depression - Merritt tells an at times brutally honest tale that captures your attention and easily invokes empathy.
I will also say something I've never said about a memoir: I didn't see the end coming, and the where and the how of the end of his tale, which was a truly lovely piece, left me moved. I certainly hope I have the opportunity to meet Mr. Merritt again at the next Saints and Sinners, as I'd quite like to shake his hand.
From his beginnings inside the "Fortress of Fundamentalism," and schooling at Bob Jones University, Merritt tells his tale clearly, concisely, and with a strong touch of storytelling that lets you glimpse the threads that were weaving through his life, without showing you the end result until he leads you there. Becoming a marine, a porn star, being outed by the very culture he was trying to support, addiction, depression - Merritt tells an at times brutally honest tale that captures your attention and easily invokes empathy.
I will also say something I've never said about a memoir: I didn't see the end coming, and the where and the how of the end of his tale, which was a truly lovely piece, left me moved. I certainly hope I have the opportunity to meet Mr. Merritt again at the next Saints and Sinners, as I'd quite like to shake his hand.
January 5, 2013
This book give us a view of being GAY and being from the Southern Bible Belt, bastion of Southern Baptists, Pentecostals and others of the severe Religious right. An eye opener for many., since many Southern Boys and I would venture to say, some Southern Women have lived their lives closely paralleling the life of the author RICH MERRITT.
Maybe we didn't go to religious schools, but we were living in communities, where the church is the center of all social activity. I can remember being raised in the BAPTIST CHURCH....as I refer to it, the "DON'T CHURCH"...that is to say, Don't do play ball on Sunday, Don't work or fish on Sunday, Don't Drink Alcoholic drinks, Don't have sex with girls (after all they are all virgins) and don't do this or that,!!! But in my day as a teenager (the 1950's), homosexuality was such taboo the subject was never mentioned, so I assumed it must be OK...I thought it must be one of the only things boys could do and since all my friends were having sex with me, I was just as straight as they thought they were. However, after high school and college, I came to find out I was really different in my thinking than many of these other boys. I never considered myself feminine, but I certainly was never interested in women. I had long psychiatric therapy (many years) and came to know myself and that I really wasn't so bad, after all. But I also learned a lot about the hypocrisy of organized religion and I think Mr Merritt tell this like it really is for many. I recommend this book for any young man or woman who may have doubts about who they are and how they became GAY. Remember in the words of Dr. Theodore Seuss, "Say what you feel and be who you are, because those that matter, don't care and those that care, don't matter." Be yourself, enjoy life and use those things, you learned in the Christian Church to help you be a moderate in all that you do. BE CAREFUL of the Alcohol, and Drugs, they are against the law for a reason and that is not church law. I know what I am speaking about. when I say this. They can destroy you but as long as you are who you are and aware of your own thoughts and how to live to be best person you can be, You will always be fine. God loves you and you have many friends that do too...just ask sometimes. You are not alone.
Maybe we didn't go to religious schools, but we were living in communities, where the church is the center of all social activity. I can remember being raised in the BAPTIST CHURCH....as I refer to it, the "DON'T CHURCH"...that is to say, Don't do play ball on Sunday, Don't work or fish on Sunday, Don't Drink Alcoholic drinks, Don't have sex with girls (after all they are all virgins) and don't do this or that,!!! But in my day as a teenager (the 1950's), homosexuality was such taboo the subject was never mentioned, so I assumed it must be OK...I thought it must be one of the only things boys could do and since all my friends were having sex with me, I was just as straight as they thought they were. However, after high school and college, I came to find out I was really different in my thinking than many of these other boys. I never considered myself feminine, but I certainly was never interested in women. I had long psychiatric therapy (many years) and came to know myself and that I really wasn't so bad, after all. But I also learned a lot about the hypocrisy of organized religion and I think Mr Merritt tell this like it really is for many. I recommend this book for any young man or woman who may have doubts about who they are and how they became GAY. Remember in the words of Dr. Theodore Seuss, "Say what you feel and be who you are, because those that matter, don't care and those that care, don't matter." Be yourself, enjoy life and use those things, you learned in the Christian Church to help you be a moderate in all that you do. BE CAREFUL of the Alcohol, and Drugs, they are against the law for a reason and that is not church law. I know what I am speaking about. when I say this. They can destroy you but as long as you are who you are and aware of your own thoughts and how to live to be best person you can be, You will always be fine. God loves you and you have many friends that do too...just ask sometimes. You are not alone.
October 26, 2011
Merritt's story is quite extraordinary. Brought up in a fundamentalist Christian, southern environment, he goes on to become a marine officer, discovers he is not the only gay marine and, forced by DODT, develops his secret life in parallel, regularly challenging fate to bring the whole construction down around his ears. The man is lucky as well as intelligent and obviously appreciated by his fellow marines though, and the scandal breaks with a sympathetic New York Times article just as he is about to retire from the marines anyway. Thanks to people like his commanding officer, the corps takes no action against him and he retires normally. Lucky! given that the Advocate, for all the wrong sensationalist reasons, 'outs' him a second time as the gay marine who did porn flicks.
Merritt's book has had quite an impact on me. He has a distinctive and immediately sympathetic voice. The candour with which he talks about his experiences, motivations, fears and hopes sounds true from the start. It is never overdone and avoids the danger of slipping into a self-indulgent auto analysis. The very real affection that shows through for many of the people he has met, even some who you might find it difficult to like were you in his shoes, is another strong point. Beyond the gay marine thing, the most rewarding thing for me is the light he sheds on the fundamentalist Christian society in which he grew up, on institutions like Bob Jones University and on the functioning of small rural communities like his. The damage that is done to young people who don't fit in is very real and Merritt has lived through it and taken much of his life since then to come to terms with it. More than what he says it's the tone that indicates he has succeeded not just as a professional and lawyer but as a whole and strong human being. In a very real sense Merritt's way of writing expresses the best of Christian teaching: forgiveness and love. That's a lot more than the types at Bob Jones Uni can say for themselves.
Oh, and I shouldn't forget that he was and is a pretty attractive guy and his story doesn't lack in sex appeal either. I'll re-read his novel 'Code of Conduct' with a new understanding.
Merritt's book has had quite an impact on me. He has a distinctive and immediately sympathetic voice. The candour with which he talks about his experiences, motivations, fears and hopes sounds true from the start. It is never overdone and avoids the danger of slipping into a self-indulgent auto analysis. The very real affection that shows through for many of the people he has met, even some who you might find it difficult to like were you in his shoes, is another strong point. Beyond the gay marine thing, the most rewarding thing for me is the light he sheds on the fundamentalist Christian society in which he grew up, on institutions like Bob Jones University and on the functioning of small rural communities like his. The damage that is done to young people who don't fit in is very real and Merritt has lived through it and taken much of his life since then to come to terms with it. More than what he says it's the tone that indicates he has succeeded not just as a professional and lawyer but as a whole and strong human being. In a very real sense Merritt's way of writing expresses the best of Christian teaching: forgiveness and love. That's a lot more than the types at Bob Jones Uni can say for themselves.
Oh, and I shouldn't forget that he was and is a pretty attractive guy and his story doesn't lack in sex appeal either. I'll re-read his novel 'Code of Conduct' with a new understanding.
Read
July 14, 2009Secrets Of A Gay Marine Porn Star is winner of the Best Book Title Ever award – an award bestowed by, um, me. The title is probably what got Rich Merritt his book deal. It’s probably the reason the book continues to sell. It’s certainly the reason I bought mooched it.
Unfortunately, the book itself is very, very dull. With no eye to judicious editing, Merritt’s story begins at birth. Yep, it’s a long slog to reach the point where he becomes a Marine – let alone a Marine/Porn Star. There are a few interesting morsels to be found as Merritt attends the fundamentalist-Christian Bob Jones Elementary School (and Bob Jones Academy and BJU), but mostly it’s just a bunch of vaguely-traumatic childhood anecdotes. These anecdotes are the type of thing you’d tell a therapist. They do not make good material for a memoir.
Even once Merritt joins the military and ‘comes out’ (as much as one can, under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), the pace remains tediously slow. I kept waiting for it to get better… waiting… and waiting. I figured that once Merritt started doing porn, the pace would pick up. It didn’t. Even the descriptions of the gay porn industry were dull.
I can only chalk this up to Merritt’s writing, which is perfectly serviceable, but lacking in any panache. He doesn’t evoke anything that happens; his descriptions are so 2-dimensional that it’s hard to care about the characters or situations. Even when love of his life, Brandon, shows up, there’s no emotion to be found on the page. It makes for some very dry reading. Plus, did I mention it’s really, really long?
If Secrets were half as long, I might have finished it.
If Secrets were co-written with a ghostwriter, I might even have enjoyed it.
As it is, I ditched it at page 267. Sometimes you just have to call it quits on a book – not because it’s spectacularly bad, just because you’re not getting anything out of it.
Unfortunately, the book itself is very, very dull. With no eye to judicious editing, Merritt’s story begins at birth. Yep, it’s a long slog to reach the point where he becomes a Marine – let alone a Marine/Porn Star. There are a few interesting morsels to be found as Merritt attends the fundamentalist-Christian Bob Jones Elementary School (and Bob Jones Academy and BJU), but mostly it’s just a bunch of vaguely-traumatic childhood anecdotes. These anecdotes are the type of thing you’d tell a therapist. They do not make good material for a memoir.
Even once Merritt joins the military and ‘comes out’ (as much as one can, under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), the pace remains tediously slow. I kept waiting for it to get better… waiting… and waiting. I figured that once Merritt started doing porn, the pace would pick up. It didn’t. Even the descriptions of the gay porn industry were dull.
I can only chalk this up to Merritt’s writing, which is perfectly serviceable, but lacking in any panache. He doesn’t evoke anything that happens; his descriptions are so 2-dimensional that it’s hard to care about the characters or situations. Even when love of his life, Brandon, shows up, there’s no emotion to be found on the page. It makes for some very dry reading. Plus, did I mention it’s really, really long?
If Secrets were half as long, I might have finished it.
If Secrets were co-written with a ghostwriter, I might even have enjoyed it.
As it is, I ditched it at page 267. Sometimes you just have to call it quits on a book – not because it’s spectacularly bad, just because you’re not getting anything out of it.
March 5, 2014
4.5 Stars
I had to look up the NY Times article and his porn videos to actually believe this story was true. It's an amazing story not only for how much Rich Merritt changes/grows, but for the risks he takes. He takes an honest look at his history, his actions, and his relationships. Rich doesn't even flinch from providing details of his porn performances. This story is funny and touching by turns, especially as Rich Merritt seems to be stalked by his alma mater.
I highly recommend this book to everyone. I'm sure there are many Christian fundamentalists or military veterans who find this book offensive, but for the rest of us it's a fascinating picture into hidden worlds.
I had to look up the NY Times article and his porn videos to actually believe this story was true. It's an amazing story not only for how much Rich Merritt changes/grows, but for the risks he takes. He takes an honest look at his history, his actions, and his relationships. Rich doesn't even flinch from providing details of his porn performances. This story is funny and touching by turns, especially as Rich Merritt seems to be stalked by his alma mater.
I highly recommend this book to everyone. I'm sure there are many Christian fundamentalists or military veterans who find this book offensive, but for the rest of us it's a fascinating picture into hidden worlds.
April 8, 2020
Long, depressing memoir of one very confused gay man. I read every word of the 468 pages and the first impression is that this guy needed a good editor. The book is incredibly repetitive, boring in spots, and includes many half-stories that serve no purpose beyond the author failing to cut out the dull parts. At 300 pages with a restructuring this could have been a fantastic memoir that would be ready to be made into a movie, but instead we get word vomit with little self-understanding.
It's also a sad book, one that does not represent the gay community well. In many ways Merritt is a typical gay guy that has non-stop sex, but he also gets addicted to drugs, is an alcoholic, and does porn. He is not role model. Add to that he does all of it in secret while claiming to be a rule-following Marine and you have one very confused guy.
Skip most of the first part of the book--his gay life doesn't even start until page 140! His early years of fundamentalism are dull and the only shocking thing is that as a high schooler he has never masturbated nor knows anything about sex. His first experience was when he was 23 and even then he had full-on sex with a man before he had ever masturbated!
Once he talks about experimenting sexually it gets somewhat interesting, and his time as a porn star is actually the highlight of the book, though there's not enough of it. That is only three months of his life! During that period he is getting promoted in the Marine world and somehow juggles going out to gay bars at night, working his military job in the daytime, and screwing guys on film during the weekends.
It's when he turns to drinking and drugs that the book really falls apart. He starts blaming it on his "depression" from being publicly exposed in New York Times and Advocate articles (something he willingly went along with), but his book is filled with excuses for his vices. His depression is the ultimate excuse because in truth he merely was a drug addict, sexaholic, cheater on his "husband" (really a domestic partner), and alcoholic who made really bad choices.
All of his life was made up of choices, including who he slept with, but he spins it that most of life was something he had no say in or was just thrust upon him. His Christian upbringing (and his running from it) is his excuse for many of his problems but when he does that he devolves into blaming good people for his choices to do bad things.
Merritt should be ashamed of some of the ways he talked to his parents and relatives. He told his grandmother on her death bed that there wasn't any hell. He selfishly would not honor his mother's simple request to not put a Democrat bumper sticker on the truck they own which wasn't even his. He begins to call God "she" and says that he only now believes in a higher being, not the true God he was raised with. He thinks nothing of snapping at relatives and defensively condemning anyone conservative by stereotyping them and acting completely intolerant of those who believe differently than he does.
Rich Merritt comes across like a complete jerk. Insecure, needy, neurotic, psycho, and mentally unstable. Just check out his suicide attempts or his bragging about have sex without condoms knowing he could get AIDS. There is something seriously wrong with this guy.
That being said, there are a few rays of sunlight in the book. Six or eight times he stumbles onto the truth and has moments of clarity where he admits he is to blame for his own problems. The most positive characters in the book are actually the Christian people from his past who do the most loving thing friends can do--pray, be honest, and share the truth. Instead Merritt condemns them, makes fun of them, ridicules them, as he does with anyone conservative or Republican. He chooses to befriend all sorts of rude, lying, insecure, atheistic, demeaning people, mostly in the LGBT community. And he wonders why he's not happy.
I'm glad I read it but it made me realize that there is so much wrong with the thinking of those that want to claim they don't make their own choices and want to hurt people who stand up for truth. Liberal people who claim tolerance and acceptance, but really stand for intolerance and rejection of any ideas that make them feel bad. In the end the author merely passed all his depressing inner crap on the rest of us and never really came to peace with himself.
It's also a sad book, one that does not represent the gay community well. In many ways Merritt is a typical gay guy that has non-stop sex, but he also gets addicted to drugs, is an alcoholic, and does porn. He is not role model. Add to that he does all of it in secret while claiming to be a rule-following Marine and you have one very confused guy.
Skip most of the first part of the book--his gay life doesn't even start until page 140! His early years of fundamentalism are dull and the only shocking thing is that as a high schooler he has never masturbated nor knows anything about sex. His first experience was when he was 23 and even then he had full-on sex with a man before he had ever masturbated!
Once he talks about experimenting sexually it gets somewhat interesting, and his time as a porn star is actually the highlight of the book, though there's not enough of it. That is only three months of his life! During that period he is getting promoted in the Marine world and somehow juggles going out to gay bars at night, working his military job in the daytime, and screwing guys on film during the weekends.
It's when he turns to drinking and drugs that the book really falls apart. He starts blaming it on his "depression" from being publicly exposed in New York Times and Advocate articles (something he willingly went along with), but his book is filled with excuses for his vices. His depression is the ultimate excuse because in truth he merely was a drug addict, sexaholic, cheater on his "husband" (really a domestic partner), and alcoholic who made really bad choices.
All of his life was made up of choices, including who he slept with, but he spins it that most of life was something he had no say in or was just thrust upon him. His Christian upbringing (and his running from it) is his excuse for many of his problems but when he does that he devolves into blaming good people for his choices to do bad things.
Merritt should be ashamed of some of the ways he talked to his parents and relatives. He told his grandmother on her death bed that there wasn't any hell. He selfishly would not honor his mother's simple request to not put a Democrat bumper sticker on the truck they own which wasn't even his. He begins to call God "she" and says that he only now believes in a higher being, not the true God he was raised with. He thinks nothing of snapping at relatives and defensively condemning anyone conservative by stereotyping them and acting completely intolerant of those who believe differently than he does.
Rich Merritt comes across like a complete jerk. Insecure, needy, neurotic, psycho, and mentally unstable. Just check out his suicide attempts or his bragging about have sex without condoms knowing he could get AIDS. There is something seriously wrong with this guy.
That being said, there are a few rays of sunlight in the book. Six or eight times he stumbles onto the truth and has moments of clarity where he admits he is to blame for his own problems. The most positive characters in the book are actually the Christian people from his past who do the most loving thing friends can do--pray, be honest, and share the truth. Instead Merritt condemns them, makes fun of them, ridicules them, as he does with anyone conservative or Republican. He chooses to befriend all sorts of rude, lying, insecure, atheistic, demeaning people, mostly in the LGBT community. And he wonders why he's not happy.
I'm glad I read it but it made me realize that there is so much wrong with the thinking of those that want to claim they don't make their own choices and want to hurt people who stand up for truth. Liberal people who claim tolerance and acceptance, but really stand for intolerance and rejection of any ideas that make them feel bad. In the end the author merely passed all his depressing inner crap on the rest of us and never really came to peace with himself.
September 10, 2017
A lot better than I thought it would be based on the ridiculous and over-sensationalist yet amazing title. I can't tell if the psychology is typical; I have to conclude that porn stars are really a small fraction of the population so the discussion really... can't be taken as the average. The story is written in a naive and simple voice, and this guy took incredible risks, was incredibly stupid and not introspective, and yet he is oddly smart (eventually) and um. everything turned out fine, which is great.
Examples of jaw-dropping logic the narrator has: Notoriously homophobic friend, in a jacuzzi, says, "I'm so horny I would fuck anything." Average woman's thoughts: "wtf??" Narrator's thoughts: "does 'anything' include me?" His boyfriend tells him to not have sex with other people. Average person's thoughts: "He's going to get jealous." Narrator's thoughts: "I guess having sex must be OK because in the South if something was really bad no one would ever talk about it. Also this reasoning is completely unrelated to my desire to have sex with other people." And: "can't think at work. going off at smallest provocation. Can't get through day but boyfriend is locking drugs up around me. Do I have a problem? Nah." At some parts the obviously male psychology is hilarious: "I'm impatient so I'm gonna take an incredibly stupid and aggressive move on the road" or: "I'm being extremely nice and helpful to this person. ummm it's not related to how I want to get in their pants." It also made me realize how incredibly stupid it is to tell people to use condoms and have safe sex and expect it to happen with full compliance, from a public health standpoint.
I found it interesting that you can have this fundamentalist culture, no divorce, no premarital sex, no modern music, very strict gender-segregated dress code, racist and homophobic, but people are still living complex lives and realizing hard rules don't apply for complex human situations. Like all of us who live with rules.
Examples of jaw-dropping logic the narrator has: Notoriously homophobic friend, in a jacuzzi, says, "I'm so horny I would fuck anything." Average woman's thoughts: "wtf??" Narrator's thoughts: "does 'anything' include me?" His boyfriend tells him to not have sex with other people. Average person's thoughts: "He's going to get jealous." Narrator's thoughts: "I guess having sex must be OK because in the South if something was really bad no one would ever talk about it. Also this reasoning is completely unrelated to my desire to have sex with other people." And: "can't think at work. going off at smallest provocation. Can't get through day but boyfriend is locking drugs up around me. Do I have a problem? Nah." At some parts the obviously male psychology is hilarious: "I'm impatient so I'm gonna take an incredibly stupid and aggressive move on the road" or: "I'm being extremely nice and helpful to this person. ummm it's not related to how I want to get in their pants." It also made me realize how incredibly stupid it is to tell people to use condoms and have safe sex and expect it to happen with full compliance, from a public health standpoint.
I found it interesting that you can have this fundamentalist culture, no divorce, no premarital sex, no modern music, very strict gender-segregated dress code, racist and homophobic, but people are still living complex lives and realizing hard rules don't apply for complex human situations. Like all of us who live with rules.
October 17, 2025
Rich Merritt was the good son, teacher’s pet, Southern gentleman, model Christian student at Bob Jones University, Marine officer, and the not-so-anonymous poster boy for a New York Times Magazine article on gays in the military.
Then his complicated sexual past caused an international scandal when The Advocate “outed” him as “The Marine Who Did Gay Porn,” putting his life in a tailspin.
It’s the story of how a boy who never listened to pop music, never cursed, and didn’t have his first drink until he was eighteen exploded into a life of drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, prostitution, and pornography.
Then it is a triumphant story of self-forgiveness and identity, of a man who refused to allow himself to be defined by the standards of anyone else—gay or straight. Rich Merritt writes with humor, compassion, insight, and naked truth in this memoir.
Then his complicated sexual past caused an international scandal when The Advocate “outed” him as “The Marine Who Did Gay Porn,” putting his life in a tailspin.
It’s the story of how a boy who never listened to pop music, never cursed, and didn’t have his first drink until he was eighteen exploded into a life of drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, prostitution, and pornography.
Then it is a triumphant story of self-forgiveness and identity, of a man who refused to allow himself to be defined by the standards of anyone else—gay or straight. Rich Merritt writes with humor, compassion, insight, and naked truth in this memoir.
January 4, 2021
This was a rather moving story and something I really didn't see coming when I read the back cover. It's a book about how it is to deal with difficulties because your sexual orientation wasn't recognized as valid due to your background; and how it is to constantly have to hide, while you also try to establish how to live with your orientation and newfound freedom. It's definitely worth the read except for some hassles due to bad editing in some places.
August 22, 2017
I thought it was a good insight as to what gay men encounter when raised in a religious home. During a time when being openly gay in the military was prohibited, this book offered a perspective of the effects of the strain it caused. I commend & thank the author for serving the country in the military.
March 27, 2019
This memoir is very interesting to read, I spent three days reading this pretty thick memoir, describing the life of a gay navy soldier in America and a "don't ask don't tell" environment. Bring to conservative life, racism, friendship, porn, drugs that surround the main character. I don't want to say too much about this book, this book is very depressed and makes me sad.
May 11, 2020
This sat on my bookshelf for years because I thought it would be tacky. Finally got around to reading it when I ran out of books during quarantine. I was pleasantly surprised. The porn barely takes up a chapter. The heart of the book is his experiences growing up in the South, serving in the Marines while being in the closet, and aging as a gay man in Southern California and then Georgia.
July 25, 2020
Interesting life journey... not as salacious as the title suggests, but spicy enough to be interesting. What the title doesn’t suggest is his conservative Christian upbringing, or his years at Bob Jones University , or his later substance abuse issues, all of which adds a bit of depth to the book. Just tawdry enough to be interesting.
January 9, 2025
The threads of addictive tendencies and denial were very intriguing and the ending made me cry!
May 9, 2015
As a former Marine myself, I found his story compelling. I didn't read it for juicy details ... I have the internet for all that. Oh, and a husband, sooooooo yeah. But, what I found truly interesting was the back-and-forth he had with himself about what it was he wanted to be. He wanted to be a good Marine (and regardless of his off-duty activity, I have to doubt he was ... not just any swinging, uh, guy, can hold the job he held), but he also wanted to be true to himself.
I served in the Corps during the Don't Ask, Don't Tell days, and I thought it was a horrible policy. They told Marines to live a life of honor, courage and commitment, but to lie about who they are every day. I cannot personally imagine the battle each person dealt with. For Rich Merritt, I was very interested in how he balanced that within himself.
I still talk about this book, and how much I enjoyed his story. I would love to sit and talk with him. Just cuz.
I served in the Corps during the Don't Ask, Don't Tell days, and I thought it was a horrible policy. They told Marines to live a life of honor, courage and commitment, but to lie about who they are every day. I cannot personally imagine the battle each person dealt with. For Rich Merritt, I was very interested in how he balanced that within himself.
I still talk about this book, and how much I enjoyed his story. I would love to sit and talk with him. Just cuz.
July 9, 2016
1. Don't get the wrong idea. Only around 2 chapters of this book is about the author's past as a gay adult films actor.
2. The rest of the book was the author biography of his strict fundamental Christian upbringing, his time in the military and the spiral into depression and substance abuse after he left the military.
Overall, the book was well written. Some parts were difficult to read, especially where the author kept repeating the same mistakes.
The second last chapter when the author pack up his life in San Diego and drove back to be near his parents felt like a Hollywood's ending, think Forest Gump. The real ending came as a total shock. I thought these two chapters were very well written and deserves an extra half star.
2. The rest of the book was the author biography of his strict fundamental Christian upbringing, his time in the military and the spiral into depression and substance abuse after he left the military.
Overall, the book was well written. Some parts were difficult to read, especially where the author kept repeating the same mistakes.
The second last chapter when the author pack up his life in San Diego and drove back to be near his parents felt like a Hollywood's ending, think Forest Gump. The real ending came as a total shock. I thought these two chapters were very well written and deserves an extra half star.
February 21, 2008
You may not think that a gay marine porn star would be much of a writer....and you're right. But the story is compelling in that it's a record of gay life at a certain time in a certain demographic, and is a true to life account of the United States today. We don't all live in enlightened times...there are still places and institutions in this country that are 1957.
May 6, 2012
One man's struggle with being brought up in the uba-religious south of the USA going into the Marine coup and having to hide his Gay true self from the would around him. And the cost to him on his mental heath. Very moving in parts with a self awareness that only come from going through some of the drink and drug excessive behavior that Rich fell into.
October 25, 2007
The book was an honest portrayal of what it means to be gay in the American Armed Forces. I also enjoyed the authors honesty in reference to the gay community. The author's raw yet child like naivete speaks to countless of gay men who have "come out" and feel like they are 8 years old again.
September 12, 2023
Not the salacious or overly graphic book people expected. Instead, it's the honest and gritty book reality needed. Merritt expresses the truth behind the impossible-to-live-up-to standard projected on us Marines.
September 17, 2007
Don't ask, do tell.
NC
NC
April 1, 2010
an excellent read of sexual scandal for a former marine who was a gay porn star and his life tribulations. If you identify within the lgbt spectrum - you should read this book. most excellent.
June 4, 2012
My first time reading a memoir book and I was riveted. It took lot of willpower to put the book down or else I would not have slept. It was insightful, it opened up, made you know Rich Merritt.
March 8, 2012
An excellent biography. What a story! What a writer!
July 30, 2018
I am always interested in autobiographies of people in all professions. Rich Merritt's life story is so interesting. The struggles he had as a gay man with an ultra religious upbringing, a student at Bob Jones, and as a gay Marine who did a few porn movies. He is now a lawyer in Atlanta.
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