SURVIVING THE DEATH OF A SIBLING: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies

by T.J. Wray

When T.J. Wray lost her 43-year-old brother, her grief was deep and enduring and, she soon discovered, not fully acknowledged. Despite the longevity of adult sibling relationships, surviving siblings are often made to feel as if their grief is somehow unwarranted. After all, when an adult sibling dies, he or she often leaves behind parents, a spouse, and even children—all of whom suffer a more socially recognized type of loss.

Based on the author's own experiences, as well as those of many others, Surviving the Death of a Sibling helps adults who have lost a brother or sister to realize that they are not alone in their struggle. Just as important, it teaches them to understand the unique stages of their grieving process, offering practical and prescriptive advice for dealing with each stage.

In Surviving the Death of a Sibling , T.J. Wray

• Searching for and finding meaning in your sibling's passing
• Using a grief journal to record your emotions
• Choosing a grief partner to help you through tough times
• Dealing with insensitive remarks made by others

Warm and personal, and a rich source of useful insights and coping strategies, Surviving the Death of a Sibling is a unique addition to the literature of bereavement.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Death

247 pages, Paperback

Published May 27, 2003

Reviews

[Ali · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found myself lost in a foreign land, and read this book looking for a roadmap to get me to through to the other side.

My expectations were unrealistic. There are no maps to this new land.

[Sonja · Rating 5 out of 5]

This helped me a LOT after the death of my younger brother, at age 25 of cancer. Highly recommend to people who have lost a sibling. We are the forgotten grievers.

[Merlina · Rating 3 out of 5]

“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister; it’s part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past; we share a common history. And we had plans for the future.” – T.J. Wray “Surviving the Death of a Sibling.”

There is so little literature out there on dealing with the death of a sibling, that, I welcomed this book at first. But, ultimately, for me, Wray’s analysis was not very helpful, mired as it was in her own experience and anchored by her faith in god. But the anecdotes of others who had lost a sibling, sprinkled liberally throughout the book, were small beacon fires dotting a dark landscape of grief; I gravitated toward them because, finally, here were my feelings, lit up by others who felt the same.

My sister’s death this year shook my beliefs and faith to their foundations, and, being a reader, I naturally turned to books to make sense of the senseless. I will recommend this book, because there is next to nothing out there on this subject, but I have found more comfort and insight in poetry. Instead of looking heavenward for some connection, for even the smallest of lines threading through the darkness, I have found solace in the world and the life around me:

Divinity must live within herself:
Passions of rain, or moods in falling snow;
Grievings in loneliness, or unsubdued
Elations when the forest blooms; gusty
Emotions on wet roads on autumn nights;
All pleasures and all pains, remembering
The bough of summer and the winter branch.
“Sunday Morning” Wallace Stevens

[Liesbeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

No magical cure for the unbelievable pain caused by losing a sibling, but recognition. And understanding. A feeling of not being totally alone. Hopefully will help those who are left behind in those dark dark moments.

[Emily Lieffring · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately didn’t find this book very helpful, but did take away a few things. “After all, you can’t experience profound grief if you haven’t first experienced profound love.”💔

[Jenn Oglesbee · Rating 4 out of 5]

With so little research, support, and resources for adult surviving siblings, I am tremendously grateful for this author and her work. Hearing from the author and other surviving siblings in this book gave me language and context for my grief experience and did worlds to help me feel less alone.

I do have a few qualms with the book, and there are some outdated references and resources (the book was published in 2003), but overall this was a helpful read and one that I am likely to revisit.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has lost a sibling - a truly devastating and life-altering loss that often goes unrecognized as such. When the author opened with, “The year my brother died, I forgot how to breathe,” I knew that she understood the depth of my pain. She immediately helped me feel less alone.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reread. Still 5+ stars. Highly recommended.

[Kyra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Last 2 chapters- 10/10. Excellent book and resource

[Abbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this quite a while ago - just remembering about it today because today is the 21st anniversary of my brother's death. Anyway I don't remember details but I remember it being very helpful. Maybe I should find and read it again.

[Edie · Rating 5 out of 5]

That is a very dry title for a book that is anything but dry. However, I will concede to its usefulness - if you are searching for a book about surviving the death of an adult sibling the title lets you know you've found your manual. I found the book to be everything I was looking for, both for myself and to give to those around me. I've already bought three copies. While it is obviously a helpful guide for those who are grieving, I think it would be as helpful - if not more - to those who are trying to help a loved one through the grieving process. Often the one in pain doesn't have the words to explain what they are going through and this book will give you an insight into their journey. Because grief is a journey. An unpredictable journey. What I find most comforting about Wray's book is that she offers no answers. Each of us will make our own way through this valley/desert/jungle and no one's experience is quite like another's. There are common landmarks, and she touches on those. But she also emphasizes the uniqueness of each journey. And the unpredictableness within each journey. You might be having a fine day when a tilt of the head or song on the radio or a bird flying by will trigger an onslaught of tears. Or anger. Or depression. Not only are the triggers unpredictable but the reaction is too. She also makes clear that for many this is a lifelong journey. But there are things we can do to help the process. Things to help us cope. Not all of them will work for all people. But they can provide some comfort during a time when comfort is in short supply. This easy to read book isn't a magic pill - that's the point, there is no magic pill. But many have walked this path before you and are walking with you and there are some lifelines you can grab onto. One might even help.

The book is written in a conversational style. This is not an academic study. It doesn't pretend to be. It is filled mostly with personal anecdotes. There is an extensive list of resources. It is like sitting down to tea with someone who has survived the journey, scarred and changed, but survived. If you are looking for a classroom experience, keep looking.

[Logan Mendivil · Rating 4 out of 5]

This isn't a self help to get over a loss of a sibling and it shouldn't be taken as such. It is a recognition of a group of people who are typically looked over in the area of grieving which are those who lost a brother or sister. I read this after my brother took his life in 2018. Did it help with the pain and grief? Absolutely not. I still deal with it everyday. It did show me that I wasn't alone and recognized. It's a decent read when you feel like you're in a pained world of your own- and no, not in the "you're not the only one, get over it attitude." I find it difficult to really express how I feel about this book as much as I, along with countless others, can't express how much it hurts to lose someone. But I know it touched me somewhere in that world of grief.

[Abby Hargreaves · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wray’s writing is clear and sympathetic without being pitying. She recognizes the many emotions that come along with being a part of this “club” and offers what wisdom she has gathered over the years since her brother’s death to those who have been grieving for years as well as those who have been grieving for hours or days. If you are a grieving sibling or care about a grieving sibling and wish to better understand their new normal, Surviving the Death of a Sibling is a great place to start.

[Nataliia Novyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s a great book to read after the loss of a sibling. Unfortunately, it’s true that people do not consider the loss of your sibling as a tragedy, and there is little information about the bereavement of a surviving sibling. I like it a lot! it’s easy to read and each chapter evokes your feelings and emotions. It’s great to have quotes from people who are in a similar situation and have lost their sister or brother. While reading, you understand that you are not alone, and it’s normal to feel what I’m feeling now.

[Garrett Behrends · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was fine…
It had some good practical steps to take. However she is too in to scrapbooking and journaling for my taste.

“The presence of that absence is everywhere.”

[Holly-Lyn L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

TJ Wray reached out to me several years ago after I was searching on Amazon for a book on sibling loss after my brother was killed in a motorcycle crash with my cousin. What I found during my search is there isn't much out there for sibling loss. I found nothing except for this amazing book!
People often reach out to parents and grandparents and rarely realize siblings are suffering immense loss. We go through our own myriad of feelings losing a sibling, and her book helped me cope in many ways such as
validating my feelings of the grief of my brother through her sharing. Grief comes filled with so many dynamics regarding family, figuring out your new role in the family, finding comfort and support and much more. Please read this book if you've lost a sibling recently or years ago. TJ know's what it's like to lose a sibling as she has suffered as well.
You can't write a good book on this unless you've been through it!
I highly recommend this book also for parents and other family members to know what we are going through, which is a life long process that comes in waves of grief.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a long time to get through this book. But I think that was ok. Grief is so strange, it’s difficult and all consuming and also it sneaks up on you. I would recommend this book to anyone who (as an adult) has lost an adult sibling. The author understands why sibling loss is so especially painful. “When an adult loses a brother or a sister, society often fails to recognize the depth of such a loss.” When you hear “How awful! How are your parents?” it’s a dismissal of your own grief, however unintended. “They make our loss seem trivial, and they also make the surviving sibling feel as if his or her grief is somehow unwarranted.” It doesn’t exactly follow the Kubler-Ross stages of grief, but the book offered consolation to many fears and challenges I faced when my sister died. A couple of chapters I didn’t completely agree with (dreams and spirituality) but I did find a lot of validation of how I’ve felt since her death and ideas for moving forward. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years since the loss, I think there is benefit in reading this book.

[Kate Perrin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me survive the death of my brother. I don’t know what I would have done without this book. I finished this book a few days ago but I still go to it every night to read some of it again. It is extremely helpful. Thank you, T.J. Wray, for making an unbearable situation a little bit better with your words, stories, and helpful insight.

[Diane Velez · Rating 5 out of 5]

After my brother's loss, this is one of the only things that I felt understood my pain and grief. It took me 4 months to read because I would stop and reflect and somehow every chapter I read was everything I was experiencing. I recommend this book to anyone who lost a sibling.

[Molly Huie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book that really hits on what it means to lose an adult sibling. The last two chapters had a little too much faith/church stuff for me, but other than that I am so thankful for this book.

[Cecily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where was this 4.5 years ago when I really needed it?

[Donna Frasor · Rating 4 out of 5]

The pain of loss is still present, but this book helped to validate some of my feelings, and gave me suggestions on how to cope on this journey.

[Christina Pope · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was exceptional. It was as if page after page was reading my soul. The author has lost a brother and it was nice for a change to hear the words coming from someone who I can relate too!

[Stacie Spaunhorst · Rating 4 out of 5]

Problem is, when you could get the most out of this book, you won't have heard of it yet.

[Kelly McGreevy · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a sibling, read this book. If you know someone that has a sibling, read this book.

I’ve been in and out of grief groups, therapy, classes - name it and I’ve done it - for 16 years and this is the first book to reach the soul of what grief is. There’s no platitudes in this book, no empty phrases or meaningless chatter to make someone else feel better about YOUR grief in this book. It lets you take your time and chew on each experience it puts forth.

Human nature is to think “I’m the only person who has ever felt this way” and that can send you further down the isolation spiral. This book does such a great job of showcasing how you are NOT alone in these feelings. Every shameful thought, every angry outburst, every destructive action - you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. I find such comfort in that.

I truly think anyone expediting grief would benefit from this book. People looking to figure out what the heck to say someone who has lost someone would greatly benefit from this book. We all grieve and we need to start talking about. We need to start showcasing our grief. We need to start supporting each other in our communities through death. Death comes for us all and all we can do is be there for each other.

[Diane Close · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend the book, "Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies" by T. J. Wray if you're struggling with the loss of an adult sibling. Even though Ms. Wray is a licensed minister, her book is not religious and is very well researched with many, many examples of different sibling deaths and how they can affect you. Especially useful is she starts each chapter with a "what to say" and "what not to say" sections as examples of things others might say to you when they find out it's your sibling who has died. Then she has great responses on how to handle the negative or inappropriate ones and explanations about why people often respond the way they do. I really found this book to be very useful, helpful and relevant!

[K]

Having recently lost my father (94) and sister (60) in a tragic automobile accident, I guess I was looking for some sort of tribe. I found it in this book with many examples of folks that have experienced similar loss to me. Although there are no words for those of you who may have suffered such a loss, perhaps a bit of kinship can be found. And yes, yes, yes, I do believe I will never ever get over this loss.

I have probably never been overly religious and this author is clearly definitely that. If like me, you are not that, and you can get beyond the religious aspect, overall, it's a good read.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

“...Surviving adult siblings are indeed the forgotten bereaved...” This book brought me great comfort as I sought guidance on how to best support my husband who, at some point in the “too soon” future, will join this awful club. If you have lost a sibling or love someone who has lost a sibling, I recommend this read. Grief is an important process for all of us to understand, and I appreciate how this author specifically discusses sibling grief with the compassion, understanding and patience she learned from her own experience and reflection.

[Drita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having just lost my young brother :( this book is helping me in understanding the grief and emotions I feel, and as well as a “forgotten bereaved” that I am not alone on the awful feeling of it. Ppl always tend to ask about how my mom is or how the wife and children are as if my feelings don’t count, I am as devastated as they are too, he was a part of me too, same blood, we grew up together, we shared experiences together that are mega special… he was MY sibling. Great book for ppl experiencing the awful loss of a beloved sibling.

[Zoe Matties · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was mediocre. While I resonated with many of the anecdotes from others who have lost siblings, ultimately I didn't find it very helpful, (beyond providing me with a dedicated time to focus on my grief, and my emotions). The book was a confusing mix of grief memoir and self-help book. I think I would have appreciated a story-based memoir better (like Adichie's Notes on Grief, which I really liked). So many of the chapters focused on the early days of grief, and what helps in that time, but I'm not sure who would be reading this book at that tumultuous time.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

When my brother died, the grief was heavy. His passing made me the last person alive in my family of origin. This book really helped me in my grief. People have compassion for those who've lost a parent or a child, but the loss of a sibling is often not discussed. We lose a part of ourselves (childhood companion and memories) when we lose a sibling. The author talks about her own grief, shares tidbits throughout of others who have lost a sibling and offers thoughts and suggestions for moving forward in grief. I found myself underlining lines that really hit home for me.