Being the Other One: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister Who Has Special Needs

by Kate Strohm

When there's a disabled child in the family, how are normally developing siblings affected? According to Kate Strohm, a counselor and health educator, siblings of the disabled face particular emotional challenges that are often overlooked. Able siblings commonly struggle with feelings of isolation, grief, anger, and anxiety—and these and other emotional issues can have lifelong effects.

Being the Other One is based on the author's own experience (as a sibling of a sister with cerebral palsy) and on extensive interviews she conducted with siblings of all ages. In clear and compassionate terms, Strohm explores the often secret feelings of siblings and offers valuable strategies for coping with the challenges they face.

Being the Other One reveals the difficulties faced by siblings at all stages of life, from early childhood through adulthood, when siblings must often assume responsibility for the care of their disabled brothers and sisters. Though the book looks honestly at the many challenges that siblings face, it is full of encouragement and practical strategies. Strohm emphasizes that when siblings are able to clearly identify and openly express their feelings and concerns—and when parents and health professionals offer the needed support—siblings can thrive. This book includes writing exercises for personal exploration and a substantial resources section listing helpful books, organizations, and websites.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Disability, Self Help, Autistic Spectrum Disorder

272 pages, Paperback

First published February 8, 2005

About the author

Kate came from a medical science background and moved into health promotion and journalism.
In 1999, she established Siblings Australia (www.siblingsaustralia.org.au) which focuses on supporting siblings of children/adults living with disability or chronic illness.
Her first book, Siblings, was published in Australia in 2002, followed by a UK version in 2004 (last on the list) and then the US version (Being the Other One) in 2005.
They are all the same book inside but each publisher in the three different countries wanted a different title and cover. Very confusing for readers!
In 2014 a revised edition of Siblings was published in Australia (2nd on list below)

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a sibling of an older sister with special needs, I have spent the last 25 years of my life feeling like I was alone in the frustrations, anger and disappointment. I cannot tell you the relief that I have experienced just by reading this book. I know it doesn't change things, but it is nice to know that I am not a "bad person" for feeling some of the things that I have about my sister. This book has demonstrated that there are others out there, like me, who are working to address the difficulties that having a sibling with special needs causes, and ultimately thrive. I also just bought it for my parents, because I believe that reading this book, will help them see my point of view. In fact, conversations about this book that I have had with my parents have already gotten the ball rolling towards healing a very strained relationship. I would highly recommend it!

[Liz · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was a downer. While I can understand that "siblings of children with special needs face unique emotional challenges" there is no reason for the gloomy attitude portrayed throughout this book. The author focuses on the fear, embarrassment and loneliness of the siblings but provides only minimal solutions. The author was born in 1953, a time when people didn't pay much attention to the emotional well-being of children. Times have changed and I think many of the scenarios in this book are simply outdated.

While reading this I couldn't help but think of the excellent book "Disability is Natural." Directed towards parents, the author writes "Let go of the grief society tells us we should feel. You don't need to 'work through it;' just let it go. It's a waste of time and sends a devastating message to our sons and daughters."

Let it go.

[Haley Rupp · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly validating. I loved the first half, especially the real-life entries from siblings. I like that they didn’t just highlight the positives, but really addressed the challenges.

I wasn’t expecting the second half to be more focused on professionals and parents, but it was still helpful to read and provided a lot of insight.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful read for anyone who grew up with a sibling with a disability. So many books for sibs focus on practical advice for helping the person with the disability, and this book is finally a chance to read about the topic and have the focus remain on you and your experience 90% of the time. It's both refreshing and terrifying to start to engage with these feelings.

The author shares just enough of her personal story, plus quotes and observations from other sibs whom she has interviewed. It was so helpful in starting to shake off that deep sense of isolation so many of us grew up with. I am so grateful for this resource because even with all the progress disability advocates have made in the mainstream, sib resources still seem lacking. I'm especially excited to dig into some of the recommended resources from the book. Definitely recommended!

[Tricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Content allows the reader to understand that all their feelings towards their disabled sibling that they had while growing up and as an adult are normal reactions.
Provides information to better understand other siblings’ varying viewpoints; which may differ largely from your own - as birth order, sex and difference in age effects our experience. Allows the reader to see things from their parents’ prospective, including their grief and guilt. It took me several attempts to finish reading; primarily because I felt it’s contents so deeply; sometimes I cried, was angered or nostalgic. If you have a sibling or a child with a disability; I strongly recommend.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love this book but cannot finish it. Makes me extremely emotional.

[Vojtech · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting introduction to the topic of glass children and some good insights in there. Food for thought. However, I thought the structure of the book and the clarity of the writing could use some improvements. I constantly found myself lost and unsure where in the I was. The last two chapters seemed intended more for parents of a special needs child and their sibling(s). Fine, but not what I was hoping for – I had to skip a lot.

[Kaitlyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not everything I wanted it to be, but one book alone can’t possibly fix the lack of space held for the negative emotions of families affected by profound disabilities. Certainly dated, but a good collection of stories and experiences that provide much needed validation for many. Thankful this book exists at all!

[Amy Evanson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had read this years ago! Incredibly helpful to put your experience into words and start to heal. Thanks to the author for helping others to progress on their journey and for the practical tips for family members, providers and the like.

[Bear · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was extremely helpful for me to read. It made me feel less alone. It described so many feelings I never knew how to express and it also validated my feelings. This book helped me in so many ways and I hope it helps many more too. If you are a sibling of anyone with special needs, I encourage you to read this book!

[Pernia]

I related to parts of this book. Skimmed much of it.

[Ana C · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finally felt seen and understood. Definitely recommend for other siblings of people with disabilities.

[Jessica Sadler]

DNF

[Jared · Rating 1 out of 5]

The advice in the book comes from a place of self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-affirmation. I am not knocking the author’s struggles. They are real and need to be examined in the life of children with special needs siblings. But the answers given are based on humanistic psychology. I stopped reading very early and skimmed through but found the same issue throughout.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Will use as a reference....

[G.]

Good read for ideas for families with new diagnosis and how to approach young sibs. As I've found out, its never too old to have conversations about what and how disability affects a family