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The Husbands and Wives Club: A Year in the Life of a Couples Therapy Group
A PAGE-TURNING GLIMPSE INTO FIVE MARRIAGES AND THE FIGHT TO SAVE THEM
For more than a year, journalist Laurie Abraham sat in with five troubled couples as they underwent the searing process of group marriage therapy. Published as The New York Times Magazine ’s cover story "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" the resulting article generated intense reader response and received the Award for Excellence in Journalism from the American Psychoanalytic Association. Though the article allowed Abraham to focus on only one couple, this book, which grew out of it and the reaction it inspired, tells the moving, fascinating story of all five.
The Can Leigh and Aaron find the intimacy their marriage lacks; will Bella and Joe resolve the imbalance of power that threatens to topple their marriage; are Sue Ellen and Mark as ideal as they seem; what happened to Rachael that Michael cannot acknowledge; and do Marie and Clem, with the help of therapist Judith Coché, come back from the brink of divorce?
With the dexterity of a novelist, Abraham recounts the travails, triumphs, and reversals that beset the five couples. They work with their therapist—and each other—to find out whether they can rediscover the satisfaction in marriage that they once had. At times wrenching, at times inspiring, the sessions bring out the long-hidden resentments, misunderstandings, unmet desires, and unspoken needs that bedevil any imperiled couple. At the same time, these encounters provide road maps to reconciliation and revival that can be used by anyone in a relationship. Along the way, the author draws on her explorations of literature and Freudian theory, modern science, and today’s cutting-edge research to decode the patterns and habits that suggest whether a troubled marriage will survive or die. Both an important look at the state of marital dysfunction and a reaffirmation of the enduring bonds of love, The Husbands and Wives Club is an extraordinary year in the life of the American marriage.
For more than a year, journalist Laurie Abraham sat in with five troubled couples as they underwent the searing process of group marriage therapy. Published as The New York Times Magazine ’s cover story "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" the resulting article generated intense reader response and received the Award for Excellence in Journalism from the American Psychoanalytic Association. Though the article allowed Abraham to focus on only one couple, this book, which grew out of it and the reaction it inspired, tells the moving, fascinating story of all five.
The Can Leigh and Aaron find the intimacy their marriage lacks; will Bella and Joe resolve the imbalance of power that threatens to topple their marriage; are Sue Ellen and Mark as ideal as they seem; what happened to Rachael that Michael cannot acknowledge; and do Marie and Clem, with the help of therapist Judith Coché, come back from the brink of divorce?
With the dexterity of a novelist, Abraham recounts the travails, triumphs, and reversals that beset the five couples. They work with their therapist—and each other—to find out whether they can rediscover the satisfaction in marriage that they once had. At times wrenching, at times inspiring, the sessions bring out the long-hidden resentments, misunderstandings, unmet desires, and unspoken needs that bedevil any imperiled couple. At the same time, these encounters provide road maps to reconciliation and revival that can be used by anyone in a relationship. Along the way, the author draws on her explorations of literature and Freudian theory, modern science, and today’s cutting-edge research to decode the patterns and habits that suggest whether a troubled marriage will survive or die. Both an important look at the state of marital dysfunction and a reaffirmation of the enduring bonds of love, The Husbands and Wives Club is an extraordinary year in the life of the American marriage.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published March 16, 2010
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530 people want to read
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March 13, 2010
This one was a hard one to review. I really enjoyed the parts that showcased what I had bought the book for: Abraham's journey following a couples therapy group. My complaint is the passages were too disjointed and ultimately I felt cheated in the entirety of the text.
Abraham, an editor for Elle magazine, originally began this concept as an article, but quickly realized that to showcase the whole struggles of these five couples, she needed a larger format. It's very interesting the different types of couples that gravitated towards this particular group: some seemingly happy, one truly happy, and two for whom this was the last straw. The therapist, Judith Coche, takes turns being alternately the good guy, the bad guy, the scape goat, and the target for many of monthly meetings. She doesn't shy away from speaking her mind and she has a will of steel (she has to to continually put up with some of these spouses) and no lack of determination.
The five couples face very diverse issues: sexual dysfunction, years of discontent, money woes, specters of past marriages and family life, etc. And Abrahams unflinchingly portrays their flaws and triumphs. And I loved that part.
The downside was the seemingly-endless passages of psychology and therapy history. Had one or two paragraphs been dedicated to these sections instead of multiple pages and in some cases whole chapters, I don't think my understanding of the sessions would have lessened in any way. And it wouldn't have pulled me so jarringly out of the narrative of the group. There were times where Abraham drifted off into explaining the method being used that I completely forgot what was going on or why this even applied to the group narrative. Had these sections been cut, the text would have been 100 pages shorter and twice as powerful. C+
Abraham, an editor for Elle magazine, originally began this concept as an article, but quickly realized that to showcase the whole struggles of these five couples, she needed a larger format. It's very interesting the different types of couples that gravitated towards this particular group: some seemingly happy, one truly happy, and two for whom this was the last straw. The therapist, Judith Coche, takes turns being alternately the good guy, the bad guy, the scape goat, and the target for many of monthly meetings. She doesn't shy away from speaking her mind and she has a will of steel (she has to to continually put up with some of these spouses) and no lack of determination.
The five couples face very diverse issues: sexual dysfunction, years of discontent, money woes, specters of past marriages and family life, etc. And Abrahams unflinchingly portrays their flaws and triumphs. And I loved that part.
The downside was the seemingly-endless passages of psychology and therapy history. Had one or two paragraphs been dedicated to these sections instead of multiple pages and in some cases whole chapters, I don't think my understanding of the sessions would have lessened in any way. And it wouldn't have pulled me so jarringly out of the narrative of the group. There were times where Abraham drifted off into explaining the method being used that I completely forgot what was going on or why this even applied to the group narrative. Had these sections been cut, the text would have been 100 pages shorter and twice as powerful. C+
October 1, 2010
I was hoping this book would provide me with some great insight into what I can do to make my marriage function better and improve my own level of satisfaction within it. I thought maybe I'd save my husband and I the hassle and cost of going to couples therapy. I thought that by reading this book I could figure out if its even worth the trouble to seek out couples therapy. I concluded that it's not worth the trouble.
My expectations of new and valuable insight on marriage and marriage counseling were partially met. I did gain perspective from the stories of the five couples chronicled by Abraham. Some of the couples were dysfunctional in ways similar to our own, and it was interesting to make the parallels. However the disappointing part for me was that there were no real solutions given, not even practical techniques to change dysfunctional behavioral patterns.
I didn't learn as much as I had hoped because I was looking for a quick and easy fix to marital strife. This fix apparently either doesn't exist, or Abraham herself didn't find it either. I have to admit another reason I picked up this book was it's tag line, "Can these marriages be saved?" Now I recognize it as particularly gimmicky. It alludes to the notion that you can predict which couples will work out and which won't; while in the book itself Abraham herself dis-spells that notion. Congratulations marketing team, I feel duped.
I think the most valuable lesson that I took away from it is actually more like an affirmation of an idea I have come across before. That idea being, that in order to change for the better, one needs to put oneself in a place where it's more uncomfortable to stay the same than to make a change. I guess I should also mention that this book also confirmed my belief that we're all autonomous beings. I realize that "no man is an island" and that we all carry on relationships for mutual benefit, but ultimately I believe we're individuals. Keeping that in mind helps me to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions in a relationship.
I did take away a lot of good quotes from this book. A lot of them sourced from the psychiatrists, psychologists, clinicians, researchers, and analysts that Abraham either interviewed or whose work she referenced. They're good food for thought, especially for a static mind in need of change. Here's some of that resonated with me:
"It's easier to feel victimized and noble" p52
"A fair portion of [couple's therapy] clientèle has no intention of improving their relationship - they merely want permission to divorce."
"Clem should be more properly considered not to have chosen his mother in Marie but to have created her in the older woman's image." referring to projection identification of a spouse p54
"It's very liberating when your partner is holding up his end to make a couple." Marie referring to Clem not trying hard enough to change p167
"Right now I don't have a sexual need, because while you all are almost at the technique level, I'm at the inside-dead level." "it's like asking somebody if they're hungry while they're choking" Marie on what would increase her sexual pleasure p35
'Perceptions of the psychotherapy client's "resistance" as being...neurotic or as being something with must be overcome, analyzed away, or circumvented - such perceptions themselves are counter-therapeutic...Our lives, our well-being require that we maintain a measure of continuity in our way of living.' existentialist psychologist James Bugental p95
"[resistance is] what your body does when you want to change, it's what your spirit does, your emotions do. They push back. They go, 'We're not changing. We're gonna do Christmas, we're gonna play. We're gonna talk about other people, take care of everybody else. We're gonna go intellectual,' or we're gonna say, 'Let me help you, darling, because there's nothing wrong with me.'" p165
"Anger lets you know when something is not correct" referring to Michael's inability to acknowledge his anger p168
"It's not dangerous. It doesn't make anything bad happen if you talk about what you're afraid of" "By giving yourself permission to feel, it allowed her to feel." to Joe and Bella about the miscarriage p158
"Feelings, including anger, are harmless in and of themselves; it's how you manage them that matters. 'But when you have been raised as disconnected from your negative feelings as you have, anger is in charge of you. It disconnects you from yourself; it puts a smile on your face. I leads you to do things that aren't good for your wife...why would you offer somebody french fries if they're telling you they don't want french fries'" Coche to Michael p 169
"if someone is present, they can't be absent; the energy is too high." Talking to Marie about walking out then brooding quietly in the corner, dominating the groups energy p155
"Even if the person beside you is out of sync, keep your internal rhythm going." "You must be able to carry your own weight, and at the same time have the willingness to offer support." Movement instructor about co-support exercise p137
"I think Marie must be exhausted trying to maneuver everything," about Marie trying to get Clem to bring up the subject of their sexual relationship and informing him of her stance to not do it herself "The key thing on my mind is: Do either of you really see a big future together?" is it worth it p 132
"I see [sex] as an area you want to change, so therefore I want you to be the impetus for creating the change you want." Marie to Clem p129
"Marie's wish is to be engaged with rather than placated and thereby dismissed." "It's possible in a relationship to be dominant by becoming submissive," Coche talking about Marie & Clem p123
"Male [adrenaline] surge [in response to an argument] is maladaptive for modern living and explains why in '85 percent of marriages, the stonewaller' - the one who shuts down or flees the fight - 'is the husband.'" p115
'When men are stressed, they need to retreat to their caves - it's a biological impulse - and that venusians must learn to "make peace" with that' John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus about men shutting down in a fight p116
"Husbands need to understand that frazzled women can't, well, shut up" p116
"What threatens the edifice [of marriage] are the pounding hooves of the 'four horsemen' (of the marrital Apocalypse - to finish [John] Gottman's metaphor): contempt, criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness. Later he added a fifth, belligerence..." this all seems like impulse reactions to anger p 113
'Tips for Successful Couples'...'ratio of 5 to 1 pleasurable to negative experiences,' another is 'willingness for both partners to be influenced by what their partner thinks.'" Coche referring to Gottman's research p108
"'If [the therapist] opposes the river by trying to block it, the river will merely go over and around him. But if he accepts the force of the river and diverts it,' a new channel will be cut." Milton Erickson on trying to tell people to stop a certain behavior vs. guiding them to own the change and perform it themselves, go with the flow sort of speak p103
"Stable is giving you the freedom to figure out who you are and make the most of yourself." Coche to Michael about his childhood which he'd described as "static" while she described as "limiting." p 98
'If one of you were weeping w/ the knowledge that people had not taken you seriously in the past and weeping because here was a person who was actually taking you seriousloy, and you were just overwhelmed with the emotion of it, how would you want your partner to handle it?' Coche to Michael suggesting he show empathy towards his wife
'I can't go through life voiding out things that are not met with approval' Michael's epiphany wile accepting his resentment towards Rachel about the motorcycle 'I'm just being my mother: Things aren't good, but just cope with it.' p97
"Researchers have demonstrated decisively that compatibility - similarity in attitudes, leisure activities, religion, and educations-contributes to marital harmony...Conversely, however, romantic rapture can be deleterious, wiping out obvious clashes in values and worldviews. 'No amount of big love,' [U Denver Scott] Stanley dutifully informs, 'will overcome strong deficits in compatibility in the long term.'" p80
'In our culture at this time it would be a pretty bad sign if a couple were not feeling the head-over-heels thing sometime early on...The pressure to feel that way - and doubt yourself if you don't - is too great...People with more realistic expectations seem likely to do best in marriage, and it's not realistic to expect the crazy level of love, infatuation and happiness that people currently do.' p80 Stanley
"We think it's inconceivable...for a man not to think with his dick" Kort p257
'Because [psychiatry] wants to be seen as a science, and it wants to collect money. It has made this category mistake of thinking it provides treatments for diseases and not just conversation or community or human contact, or offering new slants on life.' Jay Efran prof at Temple University p72
"Therapy boils down to a talent for conversations, [Jay] Efran believes" - 73
"What [British pediatrician-analyst D.W.] Winnicott is getting at is that children test their parents' love by misbehaving, and if the adults fail to react in some proportionate manner, children doubt the sturdiness of parental affection and/or their own lovability. Similarly, Winnicott writes, 'If the patient seeks objective or justified hate he must be able to reach it, else he cannot feel he can reach objective love.'" p 71
"to love and seek love are evolutionarily adapted survival techniques, designed to optimize survival of oneself and, later, one's progeny." - from London analyst John Bowlby p174
"couples' 'skills deficits' often seem less a problem of 'acquisition' - they know what they should do - than of 'performance.' They can't make themselves do it." - Canadian clinician Susan Johnson p177
"Stay in the "here and now," to concentrate on their immediate feelings and thoughts rather than extemporizing about their philosophies on life, love and happiness." Otto Rank p178
"[Rank] argued ...that a patient's defenses could be dismantled in the "here and now" - and thus it is unnecessary to excavate childhood sources." p 178
"The couple can do what securely attached partners and children can do in relationships: they can accept and articulate their attachment vulnerabilities; they can ask clearly for their needs to be met, rather than attack or withdraw; and they can take in another's love and comfort, and translate that love into a sense of confidence in themselves and others." Johnson p180
"In charged moments with Michael, Rachel...said she feels "confused." Coche ascribes her muddled state to the anxiety incurred by the effort to change; then, too, what better defensive strategy than to retreat inside a mental haze." p180
"I have seen couples in therapy who create a regime of terror through the use of saintliness, rationality...' begins one of my favorite sentence, in one of my favorite books about marriage, the aforementioned Intimate Terrorism, by therapist Michael Miller." p 98
"how crazy and demoralizing it would feel to live with someone whose main weapon was to become more passive, more (spitefully) a good guy"." p194 on Clem disregarding Marie
"For those of you who are passive, who control by withdrawing, this is what it feels like to your partner. This is why they try to boss you around, because they don't know what else to do." p196 about pain and frustration leading Marie to sound harsh rather than gentle toward Clem
"the last thing you need is to be in charge of another adult." - p183 to Bella about Joe and her condescension towards him
"You can't make sure he's in charge of himself." p183
"until you know yourself, it's very hard to convey how you feel to another person." p233
"First it must be done 'for self alone'" referring to change p262
My expectations of new and valuable insight on marriage and marriage counseling were partially met. I did gain perspective from the stories of the five couples chronicled by Abraham. Some of the couples were dysfunctional in ways similar to our own, and it was interesting to make the parallels. However the disappointing part for me was that there were no real solutions given, not even practical techniques to change dysfunctional behavioral patterns.
I didn't learn as much as I had hoped because I was looking for a quick and easy fix to marital strife. This fix apparently either doesn't exist, or Abraham herself didn't find it either. I have to admit another reason I picked up this book was it's tag line, "Can these marriages be saved?" Now I recognize it as particularly gimmicky. It alludes to the notion that you can predict which couples will work out and which won't; while in the book itself Abraham herself dis-spells that notion. Congratulations marketing team, I feel duped.
I think the most valuable lesson that I took away from it is actually more like an affirmation of an idea I have come across before. That idea being, that in order to change for the better, one needs to put oneself in a place where it's more uncomfortable to stay the same than to make a change. I guess I should also mention that this book also confirmed my belief that we're all autonomous beings. I realize that "no man is an island" and that we all carry on relationships for mutual benefit, but ultimately I believe we're individuals. Keeping that in mind helps me to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions in a relationship.
I did take away a lot of good quotes from this book. A lot of them sourced from the psychiatrists, psychologists, clinicians, researchers, and analysts that Abraham either interviewed or whose work she referenced. They're good food for thought, especially for a static mind in need of change. Here's some of that resonated with me:
"It's easier to feel victimized and noble" p52
"A fair portion of [couple's therapy] clientèle has no intention of improving their relationship - they merely want permission to divorce."
"Clem should be more properly considered not to have chosen his mother in Marie but to have created her in the older woman's image." referring to projection identification of a spouse p54
"It's very liberating when your partner is holding up his end to make a couple." Marie referring to Clem not trying hard enough to change p167
"Right now I don't have a sexual need, because while you all are almost at the technique level, I'm at the inside-dead level." "it's like asking somebody if they're hungry while they're choking" Marie on what would increase her sexual pleasure p35
'Perceptions of the psychotherapy client's "resistance" as being...neurotic or as being something with must be overcome, analyzed away, or circumvented - such perceptions themselves are counter-therapeutic...Our lives, our well-being require that we maintain a measure of continuity in our way of living.' existentialist psychologist James Bugental p95
"[resistance is] what your body does when you want to change, it's what your spirit does, your emotions do. They push back. They go, 'We're not changing. We're gonna do Christmas, we're gonna play. We're gonna talk about other people, take care of everybody else. We're gonna go intellectual,' or we're gonna say, 'Let me help you, darling, because there's nothing wrong with me.'" p165
"Anger lets you know when something is not correct" referring to Michael's inability to acknowledge his anger p168
"It's not dangerous. It doesn't make anything bad happen if you talk about what you're afraid of" "By giving yourself permission to feel, it allowed her to feel." to Joe and Bella about the miscarriage p158
"Feelings, including anger, are harmless in and of themselves; it's how you manage them that matters. 'But when you have been raised as disconnected from your negative feelings as you have, anger is in charge of you. It disconnects you from yourself; it puts a smile on your face. I leads you to do things that aren't good for your wife...why would you offer somebody french fries if they're telling you they don't want french fries'" Coche to Michael p 169
"if someone is present, they can't be absent; the energy is too high." Talking to Marie about walking out then brooding quietly in the corner, dominating the groups energy p155
"Even if the person beside you is out of sync, keep your internal rhythm going." "You must be able to carry your own weight, and at the same time have the willingness to offer support." Movement instructor about co-support exercise p137
"I think Marie must be exhausted trying to maneuver everything," about Marie trying to get Clem to bring up the subject of their sexual relationship and informing him of her stance to not do it herself "The key thing on my mind is: Do either of you really see a big future together?" is it worth it p 132
"I see [sex] as an area you want to change, so therefore I want you to be the impetus for creating the change you want." Marie to Clem p129
"Marie's wish is to be engaged with rather than placated and thereby dismissed." "It's possible in a relationship to be dominant by becoming submissive," Coche talking about Marie & Clem p123
"Male [adrenaline] surge [in response to an argument] is maladaptive for modern living and explains why in '85 percent of marriages, the stonewaller' - the one who shuts down or flees the fight - 'is the husband.'" p115
'When men are stressed, they need to retreat to their caves - it's a biological impulse - and that venusians must learn to "make peace" with that' John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus about men shutting down in a fight p116
"Husbands need to understand that frazzled women can't, well, shut up" p116
"What threatens the edifice [of marriage] are the pounding hooves of the 'four horsemen' (of the marrital Apocalypse - to finish [John] Gottman's metaphor): contempt, criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness. Later he added a fifth, belligerence..." this all seems like impulse reactions to anger p 113
'Tips for Successful Couples'...'ratio of 5 to 1 pleasurable to negative experiences,' another is 'willingness for both partners to be influenced by what their partner thinks.'" Coche referring to Gottman's research p108
"'If [the therapist] opposes the river by trying to block it, the river will merely go over and around him. But if he accepts the force of the river and diverts it,' a new channel will be cut." Milton Erickson on trying to tell people to stop a certain behavior vs. guiding them to own the change and perform it themselves, go with the flow sort of speak p103
"Stable is giving you the freedom to figure out who you are and make the most of yourself." Coche to Michael about his childhood which he'd described as "static" while she described as "limiting." p 98
'If one of you were weeping w/ the knowledge that people had not taken you seriously in the past and weeping because here was a person who was actually taking you seriousloy, and you were just overwhelmed with the emotion of it, how would you want your partner to handle it?' Coche to Michael suggesting he show empathy towards his wife
'I can't go through life voiding out things that are not met with approval' Michael's epiphany wile accepting his resentment towards Rachel about the motorcycle 'I'm just being my mother: Things aren't good, but just cope with it.' p97
"Researchers have demonstrated decisively that compatibility - similarity in attitudes, leisure activities, religion, and educations-contributes to marital harmony...Conversely, however, romantic rapture can be deleterious, wiping out obvious clashes in values and worldviews. 'No amount of big love,' [U Denver Scott] Stanley dutifully informs, 'will overcome strong deficits in compatibility in the long term.'" p80
'In our culture at this time it would be a pretty bad sign if a couple were not feeling the head-over-heels thing sometime early on...The pressure to feel that way - and doubt yourself if you don't - is too great...People with more realistic expectations seem likely to do best in marriage, and it's not realistic to expect the crazy level of love, infatuation and happiness that people currently do.' p80 Stanley
"We think it's inconceivable...for a man not to think with his dick" Kort p257
'Because [psychiatry] wants to be seen as a science, and it wants to collect money. It has made this category mistake of thinking it provides treatments for diseases and not just conversation or community or human contact, or offering new slants on life.' Jay Efran prof at Temple University p72
"Therapy boils down to a talent for conversations, [Jay] Efran believes" - 73
"What [British pediatrician-analyst D.W.] Winnicott is getting at is that children test their parents' love by misbehaving, and if the adults fail to react in some proportionate manner, children doubt the sturdiness of parental affection and/or their own lovability. Similarly, Winnicott writes, 'If the patient seeks objective or justified hate he must be able to reach it, else he cannot feel he can reach objective love.'" p 71
"to love and seek love are evolutionarily adapted survival techniques, designed to optimize survival of oneself and, later, one's progeny." - from London analyst John Bowlby p174
"couples' 'skills deficits' often seem less a problem of 'acquisition' - they know what they should do - than of 'performance.' They can't make themselves do it." - Canadian clinician Susan Johnson p177
"Stay in the "here and now," to concentrate on their immediate feelings and thoughts rather than extemporizing about their philosophies on life, love and happiness." Otto Rank p178
"[Rank] argued ...that a patient's defenses could be dismantled in the "here and now" - and thus it is unnecessary to excavate childhood sources." p 178
"The couple can do what securely attached partners and children can do in relationships: they can accept and articulate their attachment vulnerabilities; they can ask clearly for their needs to be met, rather than attack or withdraw; and they can take in another's love and comfort, and translate that love into a sense of confidence in themselves and others." Johnson p180
"In charged moments with Michael, Rachel...said she feels "confused." Coche ascribes her muddled state to the anxiety incurred by the effort to change; then, too, what better defensive strategy than to retreat inside a mental haze." p180
"I have seen couples in therapy who create a regime of terror through the use of saintliness, rationality...' begins one of my favorite sentence, in one of my favorite books about marriage, the aforementioned Intimate Terrorism, by therapist Michael Miller." p 98
"how crazy and demoralizing it would feel to live with someone whose main weapon was to become more passive, more (spitefully) a good guy"." p194 on Clem disregarding Marie
"For those of you who are passive, who control by withdrawing, this is what it feels like to your partner. This is why they try to boss you around, because they don't know what else to do." p196 about pain and frustration leading Marie to sound harsh rather than gentle toward Clem
"the last thing you need is to be in charge of another adult." - p183 to Bella about Joe and her condescension towards him
"You can't make sure he's in charge of himself." p183
"until you know yourself, it's very hard to convey how you feel to another person." p233
"First it must be done 'for self alone'" referring to change p262
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 18, 2011
For me, this book was too much about the history of different couples therapy theories and not enough about the couples actually in the group. An attempt was made at character development, but, really more from a reporting eye than a plot device to make the story richer, deeper.
August 18, 2025
GROUP couples therapy?! Didn’t even know such a thing existed. Author goes into quite a bit of background on the history of couples therapy and some of the pioneers in the field (Bowen, Bowlby, Rogers, Johnson, etc.) which I found interesting. Fascinating to think about the complex group dynamics, and the author did a great job picking up on those nuances.
August 28, 2012
Reading partly like a history of couples therapy and partly like a voyeuristic reality show, this MaryRoach-esque book was a true pleasure to read!
Abraham sifts through the psychobabble to find real gems from current and historical research to share with the reader, who is meanwhile finding pieces of themselves and their relationships through the real-life struggles of 5 couples in group therapy. There is a certain comfort in knowing that while you'll never be in the "hot seat", so to speak, you can take away the lessons nonetheless. More importantly, this book reassures us all that we're not alone. We're not the first to slog through the muddy waters of marriage and by airing out all the couples' dirty laundry, we realize that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
I enjoyed the interruptions to explain the dominant theories behind relationship dynamics and couples counseling in general. It gives the reader both a sense of suspense and a relief from the uncomfortable position of prying too closely into peoples' lives who have bared all behind closed doors.
Abraham sifts through the psychobabble to find real gems from current and historical research to share with the reader, who is meanwhile finding pieces of themselves and their relationships through the real-life struggles of 5 couples in group therapy. There is a certain comfort in knowing that while you'll never be in the "hot seat", so to speak, you can take away the lessons nonetheless. More importantly, this book reassures us all that we're not alone. We're not the first to slog through the muddy waters of marriage and by airing out all the couples' dirty laundry, we realize that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
I enjoyed the interruptions to explain the dominant theories behind relationship dynamics and couples counseling in general. It gives the reader both a sense of suspense and a relief from the uncomfortable position of prying too closely into peoples' lives who have bared all behind closed doors.
August 30, 2010
Being completely single, not even dating, and never married, one would think a book about group couples therapy would be an odd choice. But it was FASCINATING and ended up solidying my life choices in my mind. But I suspect there's something in this for everyone -- five couples to choose from to identify with. And lots of intellectual history of couple's counseling thrown in for good measure.
July 9, 2010
A book that chronicles a year of couple’s therapy with some couples out of Pennsylvania. Really, really interesting look into therapy and couples problems, and made me realize, yet again, how lucky I am to have a wife like Ann. So very, very lucky. A good read for sure, one of those books that gives a great look into something you think very little about.
May 4, 2017
I had ard time keeping track of the different couples issues. The theorty was difficult to follow. The theory and couples stories were not woven well together. I've read other non-fiction books in which the hange felt seamless and the information or theory presented was easy to follow. That was not the case for thois book.
October 19, 2010
very interesting for mental health professionals. Others in different careers but interested in this field may like it too. I got engaged with the couples' stories, but then enjoyed the author's summary of and opinion on the hx of marital therapy.
November 9, 2010
Ditto this comment "Couldn't finish it. I thought it would be something I really liked, but it was very bland and hard for me to remember each couples' stories. I felt like I needed to finish it, but was just wasting my time when there are so many other books awaiting me."
February 27, 2013
Other people's bad marriages are like car accidents. You can't help but stare but it makes you feel bad.
January 3, 2023
I was interested in the subject matter and following the couples’ journeys, but ultimately the lengthy deep dives into therapeutic methods made this difficult to get through.
September 8, 2023
Kinda boring. Was expecting more couple tea or something profound to come from this. Author was on the annoying side. Nothing “page turning” about this. I’d skip it.
October 13, 2017
I found this book totally depressing. By the end I wanted to never be involved with another person as the total pointlessness of and total hopelessness of any relationship was all that you were left with. The leader of this year long group seemed as though that was her only point to drive home 'give up get divorced and live alone, or better yet just cut to the end and kill yourself as everything is pointless and happiness/love is a stupid illusion'. I gave it 1 star from this point of view, zero if I could. I suppose from a clinical point of view it is a useful book that chronicles this process.
If you are married or having any issues with your relationships I don't recommend you look at this book as you will feel much worst about everything when you finish.
If you are married or having any issues with your relationships I don't recommend you look at this book as you will feel much worst about everything when you finish.
December 19, 2018
This is a great look at the problems and challenges that come with marriage, and such a good view of a "long haul" solution. These are committed couples with outsize problems, yet, you can also easily find yourself in the book somewhere. I learned a lot and this book serves as a good reminder that marriage takes work but is so often worth it.
January 30, 2021
I enjoyed this voyeuristic look into other people's marriages. The book, however, could have used a good editor. A more clear narration and thread, better portraits of people so they didn't blend together as much. And fewer judgemental descriptions of the voices ("he bleated", "she whined", etc). Overall, it was good and i did learn some things.
December 20, 2018
Weirdly fascinating
April 29, 2022
Very interesting book!
December 18, 2023
I love anything about psychology and finding the answers to why we do what we do; otherwise known as, ‘doing the work’.
June 8, 2010
Author of Elle magazine did an article on one couple in a therapy group, but this book is about the WHOLE group, all the couples, who committed to months of group therapywith therapist Judith Coche'. Each couple had their own issues, but were all dealt with in the group. Interesting, but there were many parts I didn't care for.
Favorite Quotes:
"This is how you teach people to be crazy,' Coche remarks. 'Tell them, 'Your realizty isn't correct, 'my' reality is correct." p 56
"the challenges of marriage therapy are perhaps obvious: the risk of taking sides or appearing to do so, the fact that a fair portion of your clientele has no intention of improving their relationship---they merely want permission to divorce." p 63
"compounding the problem is that spouses are more likely to reciprocate each other's negative moods or behaviors---to respond to a frustrated groan with a smirk, for instance---than they are to reciprocate positive ones---to respond to a kind hello with a smile. It seems to be part of human nature to gloss over small positive interchanges, to take them for granted, which might be an example of healthy entitlement if it weren't so self-defeating. The implications of such patterns are daunting. Positive spirals are as hard to start as megative cycles are to break, which means that in a tainted setting, there exists a certain impossibility of doing good. Or, at the least, rising out of the marital trough once you're in it is not for the fainthearted." p 91
"What if our strongest wish was to be praised, not to be loved or understood or desired...? We might find ourselves saying things like: the cruelest thing one can do to one's partner is to be good at fidelity but bad at celebration? Or it's not difficult to sustain a relationship but it's impossible to keep the celebration going. The long applause becomes baffling." p 152
"What I learned from my parents is that to have control in a relationship you need to devalue the other person," Michael begins, in the next group. "And then if that doesn't work, use sarcasm and emotional detachment to distance yourself from what you can't control---." p 170
"I use sarcasm or emotional detachment to distance myself form what I can't control," says Michael. "And it works like a dream," Rachel mumbles sullenly."
"The great irony of many relationships, writes the psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell, "is that the presenting feature of the other person, the quality for which we chose that person, often operates in his or her own psychic economy as a defense against precisely the opposite." An emotional bait-and-switch if ever there was one." p 171
"Self...it's illustrated by such stances as: "These are my beliefs and convictions. This is what I am, and who I am, and what I will do or not do' ...The basic self is not negotiable in the relationship system in that it is not changed by coercion or pressure, or to gain approval, or enhance one's stand with others. The reasonably well-differentiated person, Bowen goes on, is free to engage in goal-directed activity, or to 'lose' self in the intimacy of a close relationship." p 226
"So we're going to practice this, so you can hear it, the sentence is---and you say it very sweetly: " Not and be married to me, you can't." Try it...you can go off and build tents in New Zealand, but Not and Be Married To Me, You Can't!!!" p
"Coche adds, 'And there needs to be a way for you to feel you're not giving yourself up by remaining in the relationship."
...these lines from Rilke: "A complete sharing between two people is an impossibilty, and whenever it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a mutual agreement which robs either one member of both of his fullest freedom and development. Bue once the realization is accepted that, even between the closest human beings, infinite distances continue to exist, then a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!" p 264
Favorite Quotes:
"This is how you teach people to be crazy,' Coche remarks. 'Tell them, 'Your realizty isn't correct, 'my' reality is correct." p 56
"the challenges of marriage therapy are perhaps obvious: the risk of taking sides or appearing to do so, the fact that a fair portion of your clientele has no intention of improving their relationship---they merely want permission to divorce." p 63
"compounding the problem is that spouses are more likely to reciprocate each other's negative moods or behaviors---to respond to a frustrated groan with a smirk, for instance---than they are to reciprocate positive ones---to respond to a kind hello with a smile. It seems to be part of human nature to gloss over small positive interchanges, to take them for granted, which might be an example of healthy entitlement if it weren't so self-defeating. The implications of such patterns are daunting. Positive spirals are as hard to start as megative cycles are to break, which means that in a tainted setting, there exists a certain impossibility of doing good. Or, at the least, rising out of the marital trough once you're in it is not for the fainthearted." p 91
"What if our strongest wish was to be praised, not to be loved or understood or desired...? We might find ourselves saying things like: the cruelest thing one can do to one's partner is to be good at fidelity but bad at celebration? Or it's not difficult to sustain a relationship but it's impossible to keep the celebration going. The long applause becomes baffling." p 152
"What I learned from my parents is that to have control in a relationship you need to devalue the other person," Michael begins, in the next group. "And then if that doesn't work, use sarcasm and emotional detachment to distance yourself from what you can't control---." p 170
"I use sarcasm or emotional detachment to distance myself form what I can't control," says Michael. "And it works like a dream," Rachel mumbles sullenly."
"The great irony of many relationships, writes the psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell, "is that the presenting feature of the other person, the quality for which we chose that person, often operates in his or her own psychic economy as a defense against precisely the opposite." An emotional bait-and-switch if ever there was one." p 171
"Self...it's illustrated by such stances as: "These are my beliefs and convictions. This is what I am, and who I am, and what I will do or not do' ...The basic self is not negotiable in the relationship system in that it is not changed by coercion or pressure, or to gain approval, or enhance one's stand with others. The reasonably well-differentiated person, Bowen goes on, is free to engage in goal-directed activity, or to 'lose' self in the intimacy of a close relationship." p 226
"So we're going to practice this, so you can hear it, the sentence is---and you say it very sweetly: " Not and be married to me, you can't." Try it...you can go off and build tents in New Zealand, but Not and Be Married To Me, You Can't!!!" p
"Coche adds, 'And there needs to be a way for you to feel you're not giving yourself up by remaining in the relationship."
...these lines from Rilke: "A complete sharing between two people is an impossibilty, and whenever it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a mutual agreement which robs either one member of both of his fullest freedom and development. Bue once the realization is accepted that, even between the closest human beings, infinite distances continue to exist, then a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!" p 264
June 25, 2024
I was extremely disappointed in "The Husbands and Wives Club," a non-fiction accounting of years of group marital therapy for a group of couples, as observed by journalist Laurie Abraham. Abraham sat in on sessions and relayed to us what she heard, but I never engaged with the couples, nor with the therapist who ran to group. Books in this genre are often of interesting me, since I find people, their failures, successes, and relationships with other are fascinating and make for good books. Not this one, though. I could not empathize with the couples who were in a bad place, nor did I feel much when some couples made strides to improve their marriages. The writing was too clinical to make it riveting reading, and some of the individuals involved were very strange to me, especially the women who were willing to live as far earlier generations of women did.
Many years ago, there were articles in women's magazines called "Can This Marriage be Saved?" I remember reading those articles, which would track one particular couple facing a trial in their marriage. The writer (always a therapist) of the articles, would relay how each couple felt, separately, and together and by the end of the article we would know if they were able to save their marriage, or not. Those articles, supposedly the basis for this book, were far more interesting than anything I read in "The Husbands and Wives Club."
I learned nothing, and really, shouldn't we all learn when reading non-fiction?
Despite having an undergraduate degree in Psychology, and a life long fascination with the subject, I never felt the author got to the real root of the issues plaguing the couples. Some of them would have been better off not going to therapy, cutting their losses, or finding a private therapist outside a group setting. Others seemed to be doing ok, with or without the group. Some were dealing with issues that would be an absolute deal breaker for me in my marriage. There would be no talking about it. It would be done. For example, one long married husband admits he has affairs with men, and that his wife knows about this. Really? And they carried on? Sometimes, people need to not drag out the talking things through, and just fix a problem or get out. I wished I could have cared for the couples, and consider myself and empathetic and caring person, but it never happened while reading this book. Glad I got it done in two days and can put it behind me and not ever have to read it again. I gave I it two stars, rather than 0, only because I respect that the author spent a lot of years gathering her information and sitting in on the group sessions, and her intentions in writing it were probably good, but if I had spent money to buy the book, rather than listening to my library's audiobook version, I would be kicking myself for wasting my money. I take no pleasure in writing a negative review. Take what you will from this. You might love it, but it did nothing for me.
Many years ago, there were articles in women's magazines called "Can This Marriage be Saved?" I remember reading those articles, which would track one particular couple facing a trial in their marriage. The writer (always a therapist) of the articles, would relay how each couple felt, separately, and together and by the end of the article we would know if they were able to save their marriage, or not. Those articles, supposedly the basis for this book, were far more interesting than anything I read in "The Husbands and Wives Club."
I learned nothing, and really, shouldn't we all learn when reading non-fiction?
Despite having an undergraduate degree in Psychology, and a life long fascination with the subject, I never felt the author got to the real root of the issues plaguing the couples. Some of them would have been better off not going to therapy, cutting their losses, or finding a private therapist outside a group setting. Others seemed to be doing ok, with or without the group. Some were dealing with issues that would be an absolute deal breaker for me in my marriage. There would be no talking about it. It would be done. For example, one long married husband admits he has affairs with men, and that his wife knows about this. Really? And they carried on? Sometimes, people need to not drag out the talking things through, and just fix a problem or get out. I wished I could have cared for the couples, and consider myself and empathetic and caring person, but it never happened while reading this book. Glad I got it done in two days and can put it behind me and not ever have to read it again. I gave I it two stars, rather than 0, only because I respect that the author spent a lot of years gathering her information and sitting in on the group sessions, and her intentions in writing it were probably good, but if I had spent money to buy the book, rather than listening to my library's audiobook version, I would be kicking myself for wasting my money. I take no pleasure in writing a negative review. Take what you will from this. You might love it, but it did nothing for me.
August 11, 2016
A writer for the New York Times Magazine spent two years observing a group of couples as they went through marriage counseling together. Most therapists don't use group therapy for couples in need of marriage counseling, and I can see why it would be difficult. It's hard enough to reveal embarrassing truths in front of your partner and a shrink, but to do so in front of your partner, a shrink, and six to eight other people . . . oy. (And yes, some of the couples said they gossiped about the other couples for the entire car ride home.)
I tended to make snap judgments about the couples. One pair had been married for seven years. Guess how long they had been in marriage counseling? Ten years. Yup, they had three years of pre-marriage counseling before they took the plunge. My initial reaction was, people, GIVE UP ALREADY. You are just not well matched. But the psychologist pointed out that it's not her job to tell people what to do; it's her job to help people as they make decisions and deal with consequences.
Also, these are definitely middle-class folks. One of the arguments was whether the husband was allowed to buy a motorcyle. I kept thinking, "You can probably afford a motorcycle if you stop spending $6,000 per year on marriage counseling."
I'm glad I read the book, though. The people in the therapy group had had horrific childhoods, and they were trying to fix their problems to the point where they could live with a partner. Some of the marriages were deeply loving, and others less so, but I got the impression that everyone in the group got at least some practical and valuable help.
I tended to make snap judgments about the couples. One pair had been married for seven years. Guess how long they had been in marriage counseling? Ten years. Yup, they had three years of pre-marriage counseling before they took the plunge. My initial reaction was, people, GIVE UP ALREADY. You are just not well matched. But the psychologist pointed out that it's not her job to tell people what to do; it's her job to help people as they make decisions and deal with consequences.
Also, these are definitely middle-class folks. One of the arguments was whether the husband was allowed to buy a motorcyle. I kept thinking, "You can probably afford a motorcycle if you stop spending $6,000 per year on marriage counseling."
I'm glad I read the book, though. The people in the therapy group had had horrific childhoods, and they were trying to fix their problems to the point where they could live with a partner. Some of the marriages were deeply loving, and others less so, but I got the impression that everyone in the group got at least some practical and valuable help.
September 23, 2013
Negative reviews are difficult to write but here I go...
There were two aspects to the book - the personal information about the couples and the technical information about theories. Except for a few "aha" moments (the part about projective identification was especially fascinating), this book didn't hold my interest.
The way the author presented the information about the couples seemed skewed. I'm not suggesting she put words in anyone's mouth, I just think what she chose to include and how she framed it was biased; she gave people she liked more leeway and more time in the book to justify their actions, and there was one person she absolutely threw under the bus.
As far as the theories and prominent therapists mentioned, I got lost and was skimming past the technical stuff by the end of the book. I was very surprised by this given the fact that I have a psychology degree and have at least a passing familiarity with most of the things she mentioned. I can't put my finger on exactly what the problem was, but it almost seemed like the author was reciting information without taking the time to actually understand what she was saying or finding a point of reference.
Based on the author's writing style, I would assume the article this book idea originated from would be better (condensed version focusing on one or two couples) but I'm not interested enough to find out.
Find all my reviews at:
http://readingatrandom.blogspot.com/2...
There were two aspects to the book - the personal information about the couples and the technical information about theories. Except for a few "aha" moments (the part about projective identification was especially fascinating), this book didn't hold my interest.
The way the author presented the information about the couples seemed skewed. I'm not suggesting she put words in anyone's mouth, I just think what she chose to include and how she framed it was biased; she gave people she liked more leeway and more time in the book to justify their actions, and there was one person she absolutely threw under the bus.
As far as the theories and prominent therapists mentioned, I got lost and was skimming past the technical stuff by the end of the book. I was very surprised by this given the fact that I have a psychology degree and have at least a passing familiarity with most of the things she mentioned. I can't put my finger on exactly what the problem was, but it almost seemed like the author was reciting information without taking the time to actually understand what she was saying or finding a point of reference.
Based on the author's writing style, I would assume the article this book idea originated from would be better (condensed version focusing on one or two couples) but I'm not interested enough to find out.
Find all my reviews at:
http://readingatrandom.blogspot.com/2...
June 4, 2010
Well written but I think I expected a bit more because on the cover there is a review that said "a rare work of nonfiction that reads like a really good novel". NOT. Was the book well written? Yes. But it's written like a journalist who follows 5 couples in marital therapy (which is exactly what the book is).
You know what I took away from this book? That if you don't marry someone who is your soul mate, if you don't marry someone who you have a deep passion and love for, if you don't marry someone who "does it" for you on all sorts of levels....don't be surprised if the marriage kinda sucks.
If you marry someone and your love is just "one of the factors" (which, unfortunately a lot of marriages seem to be - debating pros/cons, stability, finances, bio-clock ticking, considering the alternatives etc.) it could screw you over.
Rather depressing, I must admit.
You know what I took away from this book? That if you don't marry someone who is your soul mate, if you don't marry someone who you have a deep passion and love for, if you don't marry someone who "does it" for you on all sorts of levels....don't be surprised if the marriage kinda sucks.
If you marry someone and your love is just "one of the factors" (which, unfortunately a lot of marriages seem to be - debating pros/cons, stability, finances, bio-clock ticking, considering the alternatives etc.) it could screw you over.
Rather depressing, I must admit.
April 28, 2014
I tried to like this book, I really, really did! The premise is interesting: a journalist sits in on a year's worth of couples therapy group sessions. Indeed the sections in which she describes the five couples in the group and their interactions in therapy are interesting, as is the dynamics of the group.
However, interspersed with descriptions of the group sessions are segues about different philosophies of marriage counseling, and profiles of the originators of the different schools of thought. These sections are dry and go into an academic level of detail that is inconsistent with the novelistic tone of the rest of the book. The transitions between recounts of the therapy sessions and history of psychoanalysis for couples are jarring.
This book does have some interesting content, but I wish it flowed better.
However, interspersed with descriptions of the group sessions are segues about different philosophies of marriage counseling, and profiles of the originators of the different schools of thought. These sections are dry and go into an academic level of detail that is inconsistent with the novelistic tone of the rest of the book. The transitions between recounts of the therapy sessions and history of psychoanalysis for couples are jarring.
This book does have some interesting content, but I wish it flowed better.
May 4, 2010
An interesting read *not* because it was the story of five marriages through a year of couple's counseling, although that appealed to the part of me that loves to read biographies, letters, and diaries. (Real people with real problems fascinate me.) No, what I appreciated was the author's very serious effort to work her way through -- and describe and take apart -- the entire oeuvre of "scientific" literature on couples therapy. The story of Coche and the five couples was just the setting for that work, which I found shallow but fascinating. And she is no fan of Freud, for which I give her much credit.
September 19, 2013
This might have been more like 2.5 stars.
Don't let the cover blurb fool you; this does not read like a novel. It took me a really long time to differentiate between the couples. I also had the sense throughout that the author knew something she wasn't telling or at the very least that she wasn't able to fully explain what she was seeing in the group.
Still, it was interesting to follow the struggles of these couples, to see how they dealt with therapy (often with the same defenses they used in their marriages), and to have all of this interspersed with a beginner's guide to the history of couples therapy.
Don't let the cover blurb fool you; this does not read like a novel. It took me a really long time to differentiate between the couples. I also had the sense throughout that the author knew something she wasn't telling or at the very least that she wasn't able to fully explain what she was seeing in the group.
Still, it was interesting to follow the struggles of these couples, to see how they dealt with therapy (often with the same defenses they used in their marriages), and to have all of this interspersed with a beginner's guide to the history of couples therapy.
February 5, 2011
Laurie Abraham is a student of the art of marriage, and punctuates her work in this book with references to a great number of books and research papers on the subject. I found this book surprisingly engaging, especially since it had a 3 star rating from other readers. Sufficiently inspired to go out and get several of the other books she swears by, including Michael Miller's Intimate Terrorism.
After 35 years, I'm interested in trying to figure out how to continue to improve our relationship.
After 35 years, I'm interested in trying to figure out how to continue to improve our relationship.
May 22, 2010
This book was good, but the subject matter was quite ambitious and the author never quite reached the depths required to make this better. She followed five couples in a counseling group and does her best to describe each person in the marriage as well as the couple, but I felt as though I only got glimpses rather than in-depth portrayals. She intersperses information about counseling theory and did an excellent job, especially for non-counselors.
July 9, 2010
This book felt very clinical, detached, and disjointed to me. It didn't tell the couples stories as much as have a bunch of quotes separated by paragraphs of psychobabble. Abraham didn't manage to make me care about any of the couples or what happened to them.
I also really didn't like the fact that in a single sentence early in the book the author said that the group was going to deal with x, y, and z, giving away all the interesting things that were going to happen within the group.
I also really didn't like the fact that in a single sentence early in the book the author said that the group was going to deal with x, y, and z, giving away all the interesting things that were going to happen within the group.
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