I have honestly been deliberating this review for weeks. I am genuinely torn, as this book does some things so well, and some things just don’t feel comfortable to me as a disabled person.
I’m going to start this review off by clarifying that I am a 22 year old person who has been bedbound for 2 years, and mostly housebound for 4. My health has been declining significantly since I was 11, but I was born with my condition. This book is about a bedbound teenage girl, however it is not own voices and I do feel that that is quite obvious in how the book is written. However, I do not speak for all disabled people, so please understand that this is simply my opinion. I’m going to start off with the positives:
- someone wrote a book about a bedbound MC. I’ve never read a book with a character bedbound, and only a handful of books with disabled/chronically ill MCs. I’m really happy that this book was written and published, even if it’s not exactly what I wanted, as I hope it opens doors for more opportunities for people like me to write our own stories.
- There was a lot of aspects that were accurate in terms of the thoughts/feelings/difficulties that come along with being chronically ill. The way people forget about you and friends get bored, the frustration that people don’t take your condition and needs seriously, the guilt of constantly feeling like a burden to those around you and especially your parents. That resonated with me, and her relationship with her mum is similar to my own.
- I guess this is kind of spoiler-y? So skip this point if you don’t like any spoilers, I guess? But I liked how when both Cecilia and Rowan “found out” about Alice’s condition, they loved her for the Alice she used to be (in Cecelia’s case), as well as the Alice she had become due to her chronic illness. They didn’t want her to be something she couldn’t be, they were okay with her just the way she was. It made me feel a little hopeful for myself.
Now onto the negatives, which as I said, I’m still conflicted about:
- The first one is kind of small, but the use of “spoons” was quite unrealistic to me. I like the “spoon” metaphor which essentially helps to communicate how much energy/capacity a disabled person has to get through the day. You may start the day off confidently with 10 spoons, but then a shower unexpectedly used 5 spoons instead of the normal 1 and suddenly you have to get through your entire day with the energy levels to maybe get dressed. However, throughout this entire book, Alice almost always knew the exact amount of spoons she had. Sometimes activities took more spoons than she expected, but she was always able to quantify her remaining spoons whenever she was asked. Maybe I’m just not a skilled disabled person😂 but I’m hardly ever able to actually give an exact spoon count, I’m usually only able to tell if I’m at like 10 spoons or 1 spoon, so the two extremes for me. It’s a small gripe, but it just felt very inaccurate to me as a chronically ill person.
- Onto my biggest issue. A main message throughout this book is that no matter how much Alice WANTS to do something, she physically can’t. And I appreciated that. It challenged the narrative of “if you only tried harder” or “you just don’t want to do it enough” which is something us chronically ill folks have to deal with a lot. So for maybe 70ish% of the book, we were constantly shown that even when Alice desperately wanted to do something, if her body said no, then she simply couldn’t. That is how chronic illness and disability tends to work. Especially for me, there are some things that are simply impossible for me to do. I can’t sit up from lying down. Even if I was literally in a burning room, I simply can’t do it. Maybe I could roll onto the floor or something, like idk I’d try not to die but… the point is my body wouldn’t magically be able to do it even if it was in life threatening danger. However, Alice, for the first time in years (I’ve forgotten exactly how many years it was, sorry!) walks down the stairs, goes on a car ride, walks/gets carried to a playground, sits at that playground and gives well spoken advice. And, in my opinion, for a ridiculous reason. I won’t say what the reason was, just so I don’t ruin the whole book, but it’s certainly not something that was necessary. She continually comments that she doesn’t know how she’s doing it/she knows she shouldn’t but wants to/decides it’s worth doing something that we have been told is physically impossible for her? I’m very aware that chronic illness and disability is flexible and everyone’s ability fluctuates all the time, but this was just ridiculous. And it completely undermines the entire message of the book, and makes the very important comments that the book made previously almost obsolete. It seemed like she wanted to do it badly enough so she could! Which is the exact message most of the book contradicts! It was also extremely unbelievable that her parents would help and enable her to do this. My mum also read the book and said that that was the part that stood out to her the most, as she would never help me to do something so dangerous if it wasn’t 100% necessary. Which it wasn’t.
Now, at that point, I had no hope for the book, but it did redeem itself in a way. We’re going to discuss my last gripe before I say how this book saved itself from the entirety of my wrath.
- This whole book, Alice talks about wanting to Live. She spends her time watching other people “live”, and her internal monologue is very much centred around the fact that she is surrounded by people who are Living. Where as she is not. This felt disappointing to me. Just because my life is not the same as able bodied people, does that mean that it is not a life at all? I’ve worked hard to build a life that brings me joy, and it looks a little like Alice’s. However, no matter what, I am alive, I am Living, and it felt like the way I live was dismissed.
-Back to how the book saved itself: Alice’s trip outside leaves her in the hospital for weeks (I’m not exactly sure why she was in the hospital and not at home because they didn’t actually seem to be treating her? But I guess that’s just me being pedantic😂). She faces big consequences for her actions, and it really does make her reevaluate her life. She does start to realise that her way of living is valid, and that she doesn’t need to live her whole life vicariously through others. Alice does think what she did was reckless and I think she did learn a lesson from it, and her outlook definitely changed. It doesn’t entirely make up for the fact she was able to do what she did in the first place, but at least it showed that serious things can happen when chronically ill people push their bodies.
So that’s it. I will not be rating this book as I truly cannot decide whether the good balances the bad or even what I would rate the book on. I just wanted to lay out my opinions as an own voices reader, to allow you to make your own decisions whether to read the book, or if you’ve already read it, to examine your view of the book. Maybe you’ll be annoyed by the things I was annoyed by, maybe you won’t. I’m happy if any disabled/chronically ill people found solace in this story. And that’s just as valid as how I felt about the book! And remember that I am only one disabled gal, so please don’t take my opinions as a representation of the entire disabled community. Thank you for reading this if you got this far, I worked hard to write this review, so I really appreciate it!