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Between a Church and a Hard Place: One Faith-Free Dad's Struggle to Understand What It Means to Be Religious
Read Andrew Park's post on the Penguin Blog. At age thirty-five, Andrew Park hit a parenting snag. Teaching his children about ethics, good manners, and how to shoot a free throw posed no problem. When they started asking about religion, he came up empty-handed. Raised in a faith- free family where teenage rebellion meant being born again as an evangelical Christian (as his brother did), Park always believed he'd be a nonbeliever. (And his lapsed Christian wife thought the same.) But when his children ask if God is real, he knows it is his responsibility to try and find the answer. Between a Church and a Hard Place is the often funny yet deeply tender story of that quest. It follows the author as he tries to reconcile his upbringing with the demands and liabilities he faces as a young father. He realizes with alarming clarity that if he doesn't provide some answers, someone else gladly will. As he searches for middle ground, Andrew Park addresses the
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2010
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
November 29, 2021
This book is a charming, fair, and gracious attempt to examine the various factors that go into religious belief in contemporary America's (more or less) free-market approach to religion. It's set as a mainly personal attempt to decide how to raise children if one doesn't have any particular religious beliefs oneself, and is genuinely warm and funny about that aspect of things. It-- anticlimactically for any possible reader, I imagine-- ends with a postmodern prayer of thanks to a contemporary version of the Unknown God Paul had things to say about. Even though I find that conclusion not at all conclusive (doesn't the evidence demand a verdict?, to paraphrase some dudes) I'm still happy to have come accidentally into contact with this endearing and eye-opening read. Public libraries with content in them!
I'm kind of angry the book isn't better known; we religious believers need to see the inner lives of our unbelieving neighbors more.
I'm kind of angry the book isn't better known; we religious believers need to see the inner lives of our unbelieving neighbors more.
December 31, 2011
This was not what I hoped it would be. The book read much more like a text then I wanted. I was hoping for more of the parent perspective. It is often a tough area to explore and I was looking to read about someone who had walked the path ahead of me - but this book lacked that. I ended up skimming some sections because I was just not that interested in the stats and figures of religion through history and in our country. I wanted someones personal experiences and this didn't provide that. The last 15-20 pages were the best, but then they also boiled the book down to the approach we were already going with - so I may be biased.
September 30, 2015
I know several parents who struggle with the question of whether or not to take their kids to church. Or maybe their kids have begun showing interest in religion but the parents want nothing to do with it.
Andrew Park sorts out these questions and more, and examines whether a "faith-free" parent can still raise ethical and moral kids--and how to approach the question of religion with your children so they don't grow up to be part of some crazy cult but still have a solid grounding in things like honesty, integrity, compassion, and kindness.
A must-read for anyone with children currently on the outside looking in at organized religion and regular church-going.
Andrew Park sorts out these questions and more, and examines whether a "faith-free" parent can still raise ethical and moral kids--and how to approach the question of religion with your children so they don't grow up to be part of some crazy cult but still have a solid grounding in things like honesty, integrity, compassion, and kindness.
A must-read for anyone with children currently on the outside looking in at organized religion and regular church-going.
November 16, 2020
I was raised a Catholic here in Melbourne, and gave the impression that I was on my way to be a priest, a thought that never crossed my mind, but people (including peers) made these judgements possibly because I was interested in religion, had been an altar boy and was socially shy with females.
No-one ever asked me, of course, and made their own judgements. At university I majored in religious studies, because i was interested in belief, essentially because I didn't have it as well as history and culture.
I mention all this partly because of my continuing experience of judgements made about me that could be easily falsified by attention to facts, or even taking the time to ask me why I thought and did what i thought and did.
Andrew Park's entertaining text is from another country and situation, another time and place, in a family or social setting where being Christian (as defined) or being able to explain what it might be to your children can become problematic. In my country, many people I know would identify as Christian without having a clue about relevant theology (a personal interest), fundamentals of belief or even biblical knowledge. Stephen Prothero has written about some of this in the American context.
Part of the dilemma for Park is the consequences of labelling. I'm happy to label myself as an agnostic, because I don't know, or I haven't made a judgement. Being an atheist seems to be a much more judgemental, even angry enterprise. An interesting term is one his wife uses "nothing" to describe her perspective and that of others.
In true investigative style, the author goes off to investigate what happened in the past with family ancestors and this is an informative piece about local churches with what might generally be called fundamental beliefs and which were a crucial part of the community. Actually that seems to be a reason for some attending church these days. I'm unsure how this might relate to other cultures or countries, but I'll have to admit that I never experienced my local church as a community, or that people who regularly attended were members, at least as described here. Perhaps it's a Protestant perspective.
There can be all sorts of reasons for that, but I doubt whether many would seek to get involved in their local community by joining the local church. The current Australian Prime Minister appears an exception.
One of the bits of research in the book is about those with belief living longer. There can be all sorts of reasons for this of course, but I've always read this research as implying that maybe you should believe if you want to live longer, as if there's a relevant switch somewhere in your head.
It seems to me that there's a bit of security in belief, although to be honest not believing isn't an insecure position from my perspective. But perhaps in this context there's a particular commonality that appeals, like those ads for retirement home living which must appeal to some, but are personally bewildering.
Anyway, this is an interesting and easy read and some interesting aspects of American culture are examined, as well as the labels applied in this area and some associated judgements.
No-one ever asked me, of course, and made their own judgements. At university I majored in religious studies, because i was interested in belief, essentially because I didn't have it as well as history and culture.
I mention all this partly because of my continuing experience of judgements made about me that could be easily falsified by attention to facts, or even taking the time to ask me why I thought and did what i thought and did.
Andrew Park's entertaining text is from another country and situation, another time and place, in a family or social setting where being Christian (as defined) or being able to explain what it might be to your children can become problematic. In my country, many people I know would identify as Christian without having a clue about relevant theology (a personal interest), fundamentals of belief or even biblical knowledge. Stephen Prothero has written about some of this in the American context.
Part of the dilemma for Park is the consequences of labelling. I'm happy to label myself as an agnostic, because I don't know, or I haven't made a judgement. Being an atheist seems to be a much more judgemental, even angry enterprise. An interesting term is one his wife uses "nothing" to describe her perspective and that of others.
In true investigative style, the author goes off to investigate what happened in the past with family ancestors and this is an informative piece about local churches with what might generally be called fundamental beliefs and which were a crucial part of the community. Actually that seems to be a reason for some attending church these days. I'm unsure how this might relate to other cultures or countries, but I'll have to admit that I never experienced my local church as a community, or that people who regularly attended were members, at least as described here. Perhaps it's a Protestant perspective.
There can be all sorts of reasons for that, but I doubt whether many would seek to get involved in their local community by joining the local church. The current Australian Prime Minister appears an exception.
One of the bits of research in the book is about those with belief living longer. There can be all sorts of reasons for this of course, but I've always read this research as implying that maybe you should believe if you want to live longer, as if there's a relevant switch somewhere in your head.
It seems to me that there's a bit of security in belief, although to be honest not believing isn't an insecure position from my perspective. But perhaps in this context there's a particular commonality that appeals, like those ads for retirement home living which must appeal to some, but are personally bewildering.
Anyway, this is an interesting and easy read and some interesting aspects of American culture are examined, as well as the labels applied in this area and some associated judgements.
June 9, 2017
Andrew Park writes honestly, courageously, and with humor. If I flinched early on at any seeming misperceptions of my faith, I soon became absorbed in Park's story and found it hard to lay down. He articulates thoughts and feelings that might have been mine, had I been born into a different family or at a different time, and some that are common to everyone. Park describes in vivid terms his parents' diverse religious heritage, his own secular upbringing, his brother's conversion, the resulting rift in the family and efforts toward reconciliation, and the unexpected journey he now finds himself traveling with his wife and children.
I had read books in which views of nonreligious people were restated quite perceptively by Christian authors, usually with an evangelistic agenda. But here was Andrew Park writing in his own voice so skillfully and appealingly, with no such agenda. He simply shares his story with other "Nones" (those who check "None" when asked about religious preference), whom he calls "my people" almost protectively — and with anyone else willing to read along. Clearly, Park is wary of proselytizers. But faced with questions from his children that he could not answer to his own satisfaction, he embarked on a quest of his own, exploring the wide range of faith traditions that had touched his family over generations — Pentecostalism, evangelical Christianity, Catholicism, mainline Protestantism, and secular humanism, in search of solid ground where he could be true to himself without depriving his children of exposure to the spiritual dimension he found hard to grasp.
The one thing I missed in this book is any mention of efforts to get to know the historical Jesus and to gain an understanding of God through this means. For many, Jesus (whose life, teachings, and reported resurrection are well-documented by both secular and religious scholars) is the starting point for belief in God, rather than the other way around. Park focuses on the organized church, a human institution; and the points at which it fails are inevitably where humans have strayed from or misapplied the teachings of Jesus.
This is a good read for believers wishing to understand where nonbelievers are coming from, which was my reason for reading it. Because of the lack cited above, the book cannot provide satisfying answers for the seeker; but I also didn't sense that was the author's intention. The book ends on a surprisingly positive note. As when I finish a novel whose characters I've become fond of, I was sorry to say goodbye. But since these characters are real, I can hope for the journey to continue.
I had read books in which views of nonreligious people were restated quite perceptively by Christian authors, usually with an evangelistic agenda. But here was Andrew Park writing in his own voice so skillfully and appealingly, with no such agenda. He simply shares his story with other "Nones" (those who check "None" when asked about religious preference), whom he calls "my people" almost protectively — and with anyone else willing to read along. Clearly, Park is wary of proselytizers. But faced with questions from his children that he could not answer to his own satisfaction, he embarked on a quest of his own, exploring the wide range of faith traditions that had touched his family over generations — Pentecostalism, evangelical Christianity, Catholicism, mainline Protestantism, and secular humanism, in search of solid ground where he could be true to himself without depriving his children of exposure to the spiritual dimension he found hard to grasp.
The one thing I missed in this book is any mention of efforts to get to know the historical Jesus and to gain an understanding of God through this means. For many, Jesus (whose life, teachings, and reported resurrection are well-documented by both secular and religious scholars) is the starting point for belief in God, rather than the other way around. Park focuses on the organized church, a human institution; and the points at which it fails are inevitably where humans have strayed from or misapplied the teachings of Jesus.
This is a good read for believers wishing to understand where nonbelievers are coming from, which was my reason for reading it. Because of the lack cited above, the book cannot provide satisfying answers for the seeker; but I also didn't sense that was the author's intention. The book ends on a surprisingly positive note. As when I finish a novel whose characters I've become fond of, I was sorry to say goodbye. But since these characters are real, I can hope for the journey to continue.
April 13, 2021
This book was marketed in a very misleading way, as essentially a parenting book. Besides a brief beginning of the author's difficulty answering his kids' questions about religion, this book is really his quest to understand the religious beliefs of his parents and brother, and how that's affected his own seemingly tenuous position of atheism. Much of this book also read as a bizarre apologia for Christianity, especially American evangelism, and if the author is aware of other faith traditions it sure isn't evident in this book. The final chapter is entirely devoted to paraphrasing Dale McGowan with a narrative thrust of "this guy really has it figured out!" Which really raised the question when closing the book, why didn't I just read McGowan's book "Parenting Beyond Belief instead? That's my recommendation for anyone on this topic, read that book instead of this one. Blessedly, this a very quick read - the pages are double-spaced and the margins extremely wide, so although the printed book clocks in a bit above 200 pages it's really closer to about 80-90 pages of a typically printed book.
January 10, 2013
Andrew Park asks a number of thoughtful questions in this book, questions that parents who are that group known as the 'None's' probably struggle with for years. Some of those questions are whether it is better to raise a child without religion, whether the cons of organized religion outweigh the pros, and how to respond to questions about God when you don't have the answers.
Where I live, it is easy to exist without being 'religious'. In Charlotte, where the author lives, and in much of the south and midwest, it is much harder. People will sometimes equate your church association with your character. While it may be easy to ignore your neighbors, when your child starts mentioning God, it is helpful to have a plan, one that you have discussed with your partner. Andrew Park takes a journey that involves his own family, one that went from founder of a fundamentalist group to unchurched in a few generations. His brother went through a turbulent time with their parents when he announced that he had become a Christian.
Throughout the book, you get a sense that people who are not involved in a church can be marginalized, and it is hard for them to create a sense of identity in this area because they don't fit any standard definition. They come in as many denominations as people who declare a religion.
Mr. Park does offer a wide variety of opinions and thoughtful observations, without offering judgment, and that was what I enjoyed about this book. If you are looking for a clear-cut, step-by-step guide to making a decision about how to deal with religion and spirituality in the family sense, this is not the book for you.
What you will get is common-sense commentary about how you might choose to navigate between a church and a hard place. I don't have children, and attend church regularly, but I could wholly empathize with the difficulty in making this decision. There are no easy paths to God, or around him, it would seem.
Where I live, it is easy to exist without being 'religious'. In Charlotte, where the author lives, and in much of the south and midwest, it is much harder. People will sometimes equate your church association with your character. While it may be easy to ignore your neighbors, when your child starts mentioning God, it is helpful to have a plan, one that you have discussed with your partner. Andrew Park takes a journey that involves his own family, one that went from founder of a fundamentalist group to unchurched in a few generations. His brother went through a turbulent time with their parents when he announced that he had become a Christian.
Throughout the book, you get a sense that people who are not involved in a church can be marginalized, and it is hard for them to create a sense of identity in this area because they don't fit any standard definition. They come in as many denominations as people who declare a religion.
Mr. Park does offer a wide variety of opinions and thoughtful observations, without offering judgment, and that was what I enjoyed about this book. If you are looking for a clear-cut, step-by-step guide to making a decision about how to deal with religion and spirituality in the family sense, this is not the book for you.
What you will get is common-sense commentary about how you might choose to navigate between a church and a hard place. I don't have children, and attend church regularly, but I could wholly empathize with the difficulty in making this decision. There are no easy paths to God, or around him, it would seem.
April 18, 2010
Andrew Park was raised in a home that was not so much antagonistic toward Christianity as it was a home that ignored Christianity. It did makes things very tense, however, when his brother became a Christian.
Later in life Andrew finds himself faced with questions. What is he to do about God? His child is asking questions, after all. It is sort of a reverse crisis of faith. How is he to address it?
Between A Church And A Hard Place is a journal of his struggles. Park discusses the issue with folks that he grew up with; folks he knew were not believers. His desire? To determine why they were not, and what they had done since they had matured. Park seems to have been somewhat surprised to find that there were no conclusive answers to his questions about what he should do about church. His wife was not receptive, it seems, to the idea of going to church. At times, he found himself strangely drawn to his roots in a sort of southern fundamentalist group that was led/fostered by an ancestor of his. Yet he knew that he did not fit there.
Over the course of time Park has determined that there is no wrong in presenting the ideas of Christianity to his children along with the ideas of other religions. In fact, he even had a blessing of sorts performed over his child.
I believe this is an honest portrayal of a man's struggles. I would love to have read that Park converted and was born again. That was not the case. The book does, however, allow us to get another glimpse into how those outside the church view the church. That is a benefit.
In the end, I must say it was an engaging and interesting book.
Later in life Andrew finds himself faced with questions. What is he to do about God? His child is asking questions, after all. It is sort of a reverse crisis of faith. How is he to address it?
Between A Church And A Hard Place is a journal of his struggles. Park discusses the issue with folks that he grew up with; folks he knew were not believers. His desire? To determine why they were not, and what they had done since they had matured. Park seems to have been somewhat surprised to find that there were no conclusive answers to his questions about what he should do about church. His wife was not receptive, it seems, to the idea of going to church. At times, he found himself strangely drawn to his roots in a sort of southern fundamentalist group that was led/fostered by an ancestor of his. Yet he knew that he did not fit there.
Over the course of time Park has determined that there is no wrong in presenting the ideas of Christianity to his children along with the ideas of other religions. In fact, he even had a blessing of sorts performed over his child.
I believe this is an honest portrayal of a man's struggles. I would love to have read that Park converted and was born again. That was not the case. The book does, however, allow us to get another glimpse into how those outside the church view the church. That is a benefit.
In the end, I must say it was an engaging and interesting book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 21, 2013
I thoroughly enjoyed this book, and the author's mechanism for leading us along in his thought process and journey of investigation, from both a personal and societal perspective. Also, I realized once I started reading that the author lives in NC, and at once even lived in my city, which made many of his references regarding being surrounded by the religious and at times feeling like a minority really resonate. I found this a wonderful, thought-provoking smart read, and I definitely recommend it.
Favorite passages:
"I was tempted to give in, accept something that I didn't really believe could be true, even just for a moment. But I knew my mind wasn't ever going to allow it. The way to my heart still went through my brain."
"Despite the growth of Nones over the last two decades, living without religion is still perceived by may as an unacceptable, perhaps un-American, way of life."
" 'All parents can and should influence their children and that influence is bound to be huge,' he said. 'Influence becomes indoctrination only when you forbid them to question what they receive from you. For extra insurance, you should explicitly invite them to do so.' [quote of Dale McGowan]"
Favorite passages:
"I was tempted to give in, accept something that I didn't really believe could be true, even just for a moment. But I knew my mind wasn't ever going to allow it. The way to my heart still went through my brain."
"Despite the growth of Nones over the last two decades, living without religion is still perceived by may as an unacceptable, perhaps un-American, way of life."
" 'All parents can and should influence their children and that influence is bound to be huge,' he said. 'Influence becomes indoctrination only when you forbid them to question what they receive from you. For extra insurance, you should explicitly invite them to do so.' [quote of Dale McGowan]"
July 12, 2010
I was drawn to this book anyway, but even more so because it was written by someone I know. Ethan used to go to preschool with the author's daughter. It's filled with data about national and international religious trends, as well as psycho-social information about how people who are "nones" compare to those that claim identification with a religious sect. But mostly it is a personal story about how he and his wife have handled their children, and him exploring his relatives' roots in the Pentacostal church, and the Church of Scotland. His writing style is pretty humorous. It's hard to get a clear grasp on his personal beliefs. Sometimes he seems quite clear, at other times questioning, which I think is what he's intending to convey. The book ends on a superstitious note. Most of the times he shows a lot of respect for those with different beliefs than him. All in all, an interesting read.
June 29, 2010
I picked up this book, thinking I'd found something about a guy struggling to reconcile what he believes with what the Church teaches. Instead, I found a guy who talks about everyone else's faith: his grandparent's, his wife's, his son's, his mother's, his brother's, but not his own.
The killer for me was on p. 23-24, where he calls into question something vital to all religions: "Do you reject Satan, the father of sin and prince of darkness?", as if it's ok to go to Church, believe in God, but not reject Satan.
So I figure this guy's 3-year-old son knows more about God and Religion than he does, and wish that his son had written the book instead.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 8, 2016
A short and very uneven book, part memoir, part examination of atheists/agnostics/nonbelievers and those who write "None" on the religion box on various forms. I really enjoyed parts of this book, but in other places I was annoyed by the author's relatively shallow examination of the issues, or his complete disregard for some issues of importance to parents. Plus he was so wishy-washy about some things. I understand the reasons for keeping your head down, but a book like this isn't the place to talk about keeping your head down. Take a stand already.
January 24, 2011
The writer grew up in Charlotte, my city. His parents were intellectuals, his father a professor of German at UNC-Charlotte. They were not practicing christians, not aethists, they just did not buy into the christian faith. Park and his wife are part of that growing group he calls "nones", people who subscribe to "none of the above." When his child came home from preschool and asked about God, he began to search just what he believes and does not believe. He puts forth some interesting arguments but the book is a bit to intelectual for me.
April 25, 2010
The subtitle suggests that this is a dad's struggle to be between a church and a hard place... however, the book itself it mostly about the man's life journey struggling to come to terms with religiosity. Not a bad book if read from that perspective, bit really does not address the impact of being an "ir-religious" father (except for the first chapter). I was disappointed.
December 13, 2010
This book has almost nothing to do with parenting. It's 99% personal journey / family memoir, 1% conversations with his kids. It's a pretty good look into American religious sects in North Carolina from the turn of the century, to present day. But I really wouldn't have read it if I knew it wasn't about parenting. Andrew Park, try again.
March 8, 2011
I was eager to read this book, but for the majority of it, he delves into why his family was the way it was religiously, & it was ok to read about. For me, the last 45-50 pages were the most interesting, as he goes into secularism vs. right winged Christianity & the way most Americans view those who with and without religion.
September 7, 2013
I found this a very easy book to read, and give the author props for putting himself out there. I have felt just like him at many times in my life, and it was refreshing to hear from someone with a lot of questions, and not too many answers. It doesn't really go anywhere, but the musings are worth the read, I think for religious and non-religious folks alike.
August 22, 2014
This didn't break any new ground for me. I enjoyed the book, but don't think the author ever truly sorted out his dilemma. I've wrestled with many of his questions myself, so it was food for thought and I enjoyed his style. I was hoping he'd have a few answers, but it was more of what I already do - wonder and wander through my own emotions on the subject.
January 5, 2013
I'd rather give this one star but I think that has more to do with my expectations for it than the book itself. Park's writing is easy to read and the topic well- researched and personal. Just wasn't at all what I wanted it to be.
Read
May 20, 2010Not impressed! One man's very cursory look at religion with a very vague conclusion. Pretty useless!
January 8, 2012
It was more of his family's religious/non religious background and Park's biography. He (and the reader) knew the answer all along.
February 12, 2012
Not exactly what I was expecting but was thought provoking.
April 29, 2012
Informative but inconclusive.
July 3, 2012
More of a research-filled memoir than any sort of helpful look at parenting outside of organized religion. That alone was disappointing, but the writing was dull and dry as well.
Read
April 20, 2016A quick and interesting read, alternating between facts about religion in America and one dad's efforts to decide what he believes and what to teach his kids.
September 20, 2015
Enjoyed reading about this father's journey to acceptance of his decision to raise his children without religion. I think it's an issue many contemporary parents face but struggle with.
December 13, 2015
An easy read. The author learned a few things alone his journey, but not a whole lot. It's a really short book so there aren't that many ideas along the way either.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews