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Stuck: Why We Can't (or Won't) Move On
"The brilliant mind behind Party of One examines the striking social people are stuck and they want to change, but..." ( San Francisco Chronicle )
In this book, Anneli Rufus identifies an intriguing aspect of our Many of us are stuck. Be it in the wrong relationship, career, or town, or just with bad habits we can't seem to quit, we even say we want to make a change, but . . . Merging interviews, personal anecdotes, and cultural criticism, Stuck is a wise and passionate exploration of the dreams we hold dearest for ourselves-and the road to actually achieving them.
When faced with the possibility of change, our minds can play tricks on us. We tell I can't make it . Or, It's not worth the effort . How is it that in a time of unprecedented freedom and opportunity, so many of us feel utterly powerless and unsure? In this book, Rufus exposes a complex network of causes for our immobilization- from fear and denial to powerful messages in popular culture or mass media that conspire to convince us that we're helpless in the face of our cravings. But there can be a light at the end of the Rufus also tells the stories of people who have managed to become unstuck and of others who, after much reflection, have decided that where they are is best. After all, she writes, "what looks to you like a rut, others might say is true absorption in a topic, a relationship, a career, a pursuit, a place. What looks to you like boredom, others call commitment. And even contentment."
A brilliant glimpse into what truly motivates-or doesn't motivate-us, Stuck will inspire you to take a look at yourself in an entirely new light.
In this book, Anneli Rufus identifies an intriguing aspect of our Many of us are stuck. Be it in the wrong relationship, career, or town, or just with bad habits we can't seem to quit, we even say we want to make a change, but . . . Merging interviews, personal anecdotes, and cultural criticism, Stuck is a wise and passionate exploration of the dreams we hold dearest for ourselves-and the road to actually achieving them.
When faced with the possibility of change, our minds can play tricks on us. We tell I can't make it . Or, It's not worth the effort . How is it that in a time of unprecedented freedom and opportunity, so many of us feel utterly powerless and unsure? In this book, Rufus exposes a complex network of causes for our immobilization- from fear and denial to powerful messages in popular culture or mass media that conspire to convince us that we're helpless in the face of our cravings. But there can be a light at the end of the Rufus also tells the stories of people who have managed to become unstuck and of others who, after much reflection, have decided that where they are is best. After all, she writes, "what looks to you like a rut, others might say is true absorption in a topic, a relationship, a career, a pursuit, a place. What looks to you like boredom, others call commitment. And even contentment."
A brilliant glimpse into what truly motivates-or doesn't motivate-us, Stuck will inspire you to take a look at yourself in an entirely new light.
336 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
48 people are currently reading
524 people want to read
About the author
Anneli Rufus
15 books59 followersAnneli Rufus is an award-winning American journalist and author.
Born in Los Angeles, California, she first went to college in Santa Barbara, then to the University of California, Berkeley. Rufus earned an English degree and became a journalist. She's written for many publications, including Salon.com, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Boston Globe. Currently she is the literary editor for the East Bay Express, an alternative weekly newspaper. She is now married and resides in Berkeley, California. wikipedia
Born in Los Angeles, California, she first went to college in Santa Barbara, then to the University of California, Berkeley. Rufus earned an English degree and became a journalist. She's written for many publications, including Salon.com, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Boston Globe. Currently she is the literary editor for the East Bay Express, an alternative weekly newspaper. She is now married and resides in Berkeley, California. wikipedia
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 77 reviews
August 9, 2009
Truth be told, I did not finish reading this book, but I read enough to get a sense of its limited capabilities.
The book is far more anecdotal than insightful. "Stuck" relies heavily upon personal stories of the author and her friends/family, and superfluous film references, illustrating the notion of what it is to be stuck -- and it fails. Miserably.
This book could have benefited greatly from including such things as: stories from those who made successful strides after becoming unstuck in their lives; studies or analyses from renowned psychologists as to why many of us become stuck in the first place; sociological studies as to the overall trends of various generations and the tendencies to ease into complacency; and advice on how to remedy our current situations.
Think less Chicken Soup for the Soul meets The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and think more "Cosmo says ... ."
The book is far more anecdotal than insightful. "Stuck" relies heavily upon personal stories of the author and her friends/family, and superfluous film references, illustrating the notion of what it is to be stuck -- and it fails. Miserably.
This book could have benefited greatly from including such things as: stories from those who made successful strides after becoming unstuck in their lives; studies or analyses from renowned psychologists as to why many of us become stuck in the first place; sociological studies as to the overall trends of various generations and the tendencies to ease into complacency; and advice on how to remedy our current situations.
Think less Chicken Soup for the Soul meets The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and think more "Cosmo says ... ."
February 14, 2024
This focused on anecdotes of people that are stuck and the author's own perspective. The author is not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a scientist of any kind. She completely ignores the evidence of those who disagree with her in favor of her unsubstantiated opinions. She offers no solutions other than, stop choosing to be stuck. I suppose it might be helpful to some if applied to themselves, but is surely detrimental if used to judge others.
August 4, 2016
The author ponders different forms of "stuckness" - habits, addictions, traumatic memories, relationships, jobs. Her writing style was interesting and often engaging, but sometimes she came across as just a little bit "judgey," though it also seemed she was trying very hard to give balanced discussions and avoid coming across as judgmental. In the chapter on habits and addictions, she is skeptical of the model of addiction as disease and searchingly questions the claim that people sometimes have limited control over these things. Same thing in the chapter on trauma.
I was particularly bothered by the chapter on relationships. She emphasizes that she herself is happy in a long-term relationship, and devotes a lot of attention to defending people in happy long-term relationships against the suggestion that they might be stuck just by virtue of being in a happy long-term relationship. She goes through all the arguments about how stable long-term relationships are better for society generally, and for children, and for the people in them, and seems to imply that the main alternative to this view is the modern fad of praising sluttiness and sexual promiscuity. For her, being in favor of sexual autonomy seems to automatically mean being against stable long-term relationships and in favor of promiscuity. To me that is a false dichotomy.
Over the years I've come to have less and less positive views of marriage as an institution - one reason is because of its millenia-long history as a form of non-consensual sex work and a tool of patriarchal oppression. I feel like a society that makes it possible for women to be fully realized human beings would be one that supports as much as possible women having financial and sexual autonomy. But autonomy doesn't automatically mean a rejection of long-term relationships, it just means that women (and men) would only be in long-term relationships because they want to be in them, as opposed to being in them because society decides that people ought to be and stay married, or because things like divorce and singledom and shorter-term relationships are stigmatized.
Another reason is that I think if you genuinely love someone in an unselfish way, you want that person to be as free as possible, even if it means they're free to leave you, in fact, especially then. Binding yourself and the other person to a life-long commitment through the institution of marriage is doing the opposite, making it harder for the other person to leave you if they eventually find they want to (and thereby causing them to experience "stuckness"!). So, in that sense, marriage doesn't seem like an expression of love to me. Basically, though, I have no issue at all with happy long-term couples who stay together for good reasons, like that they enjoy each other's company and make each other's lives better and they can flourish as human beings in the relationship. I just have issues with unhappy couples feeling pressured to stay in couplehood for bad reasons. So I really get annoyed by arguments that long-term couplehood is intrinsically superior to singledom, and I felt like she was doing that. Meh!
I was particularly bothered by the chapter on relationships. She emphasizes that she herself is happy in a long-term relationship, and devotes a lot of attention to defending people in happy long-term relationships against the suggestion that they might be stuck just by virtue of being in a happy long-term relationship. She goes through all the arguments about how stable long-term relationships are better for society generally, and for children, and for the people in them, and seems to imply that the main alternative to this view is the modern fad of praising sluttiness and sexual promiscuity. For her, being in favor of sexual autonomy seems to automatically mean being against stable long-term relationships and in favor of promiscuity. To me that is a false dichotomy.
Over the years I've come to have less and less positive views of marriage as an institution - one reason is because of its millenia-long history as a form of non-consensual sex work and a tool of patriarchal oppression. I feel like a society that makes it possible for women to be fully realized human beings would be one that supports as much as possible women having financial and sexual autonomy. But autonomy doesn't automatically mean a rejection of long-term relationships, it just means that women (and men) would only be in long-term relationships because they want to be in them, as opposed to being in them because society decides that people ought to be and stay married, or because things like divorce and singledom and shorter-term relationships are stigmatized.
Another reason is that I think if you genuinely love someone in an unselfish way, you want that person to be as free as possible, even if it means they're free to leave you, in fact, especially then. Binding yourself and the other person to a life-long commitment through the institution of marriage is doing the opposite, making it harder for the other person to leave you if they eventually find they want to (and thereby causing them to experience "stuckness"!). So, in that sense, marriage doesn't seem like an expression of love to me. Basically, though, I have no issue at all with happy long-term couples who stay together for good reasons, like that they enjoy each other's company and make each other's lives better and they can flourish as human beings in the relationship. I just have issues with unhappy couples feeling pressured to stay in couplehood for bad reasons. So I really get annoyed by arguments that long-term couplehood is intrinsically superior to singledom, and I felt like she was doing that. Meh!
April 16, 2010
while this looks like a self help book, and that is where it is shelved at my barnes and noble, i'd say this is more than just a simple self help book. First off, it's not simple.
this looks, very carefully and with a critical eye, to the different ways a person may be stuck, what can make them stuck, the effects, and eventually how to become unstuck.
there is no self help guru yelling at you, chanting at you, telling you to meditate five times a day and it will go away, or if you stop eating ________ everything will change. there is no one promising you that if you send the world love, believe in a higher power, etc etc, (insert cliche cookie cutter solve it all strategies from other self help books here)...
it's more of an examination of stuckness and it's up to us to find ourselves in the text. it's non judgemental. it's objective. the author includes herself in the text, her own problems, and how they relate to the kind of stuck. There are other examples of stuckness given.
What got my attention was the cover art. How many times have we felt that we won the lottery (like that bee finding something so lovely, so sweet) only to find ourselves unable to escape that sweetness, whatever it was, and for whatever reason? the moment i saw that cover, i immediately related to it.
so far, i have really enjoyed the book, learned a lot from it, and find myself making changes, choosing different paths, and feeling better. there's a lot in the book. I highly recommend it.
this looks, very carefully and with a critical eye, to the different ways a person may be stuck, what can make them stuck, the effects, and eventually how to become unstuck.
there is no self help guru yelling at you, chanting at you, telling you to meditate five times a day and it will go away, or if you stop eating ________ everything will change. there is no one promising you that if you send the world love, believe in a higher power, etc etc, (insert cliche cookie cutter solve it all strategies from other self help books here)...
it's more of an examination of stuckness and it's up to us to find ourselves in the text. it's non judgemental. it's objective. the author includes herself in the text, her own problems, and how they relate to the kind of stuck. There are other examples of stuckness given.
What got my attention was the cover art. How many times have we felt that we won the lottery (like that bee finding something so lovely, so sweet) only to find ourselves unable to escape that sweetness, whatever it was, and for whatever reason? the moment i saw that cover, i immediately related to it.
so far, i have really enjoyed the book, learned a lot from it, and find myself making changes, choosing different paths, and feeling better. there's a lot in the book. I highly recommend it.
September 8, 2009
OK, I must admit that it took me a while to get into this book. I thought of returning it many times to the library but just never did mainly because I just didn't have any errands to do near the library.
As the title suggests, it's a book about being stuck. The authors pulls stories from all over the place and I think it became mostly a personal narrative. I would read one story and think this book was trivial. Inane. Silly. However, the next story would make me pause and make me excited (or sickened) to be a human.
It's a soft kind of book. It doesn't really have a main purpose or big climax. It meanders this way and that. It started as a lump of clay ready to be molded into something wonderful and beautiful. In the end, it's still a lump of clay. Wonderful and beautiful.
This book isn't for everyone. If you're looking for a roller coaster, look elsewhere. This is more just like a pleasant walk on the same road that you walk every day with a good friend - and subtly seeing everything just a little different.
July 28, 2010
"What I Learned from this book", that with the right amount of cultural zeitgeist in your title, you can ramble on and on about nearly anything without actually saying anything, land a book deal, get published, and waste my time.
as an act in the spirit of the title of the book I got unstuck from the idea of reading it about half way through.
as an act in the spirit of the title of the book I got unstuck from the idea of reading it about half way through.
July 28, 2011
What a waste of 310 pages! The best part of the book was the epilogue! When I began this book, I was hoping to be inspired. Instead, I felt bored 99% of the time. It didn't give any advice as to how to become unstuck. Rather, it went on & on & on about people who were stuck in some way or another (who cares!?). When it comes down to it, this book made me feel stuck!
February 17, 2016
One good thing did come from reading this book, I was able to move on with my life and release my frustration from reading this book. The first couple hundred pages or so was actually pretty interesting after that things got pretty redundant, kind of like being trapped in some inter dimensional salt water taffy soup.
March 15, 2014
I understand now WHY my bookstore placed this on the $5 rack. The author truly has no concept of the grieving process of human beings which is SO necessary to our getting UN "Stuck". I really need to pay more attention to an authors credentials.
Read
July 23, 20202.2 stars.
January 17, 2016
Goodreads really should have an 'I tried to read this book but it was so bad that I could not even think of finishing it' option.
This book was so bad I managed to get somewhat into the first chapter before giving it up for a waste of time. The idea that 'name calling in the name of helping you become a better person' is the classic definition of bullying behaviour. Why would I want to read a book by a bully? Who needs that type of negative energy in life, and why would I, or anyone, invite it into my home in a book?
A complete waste of time. I would recommend staying away from this one and seeking something constructive and supportive (e.g. Marshall Goldsmith's Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, How to Get It Back If You Lose It .
This book was so bad I managed to get somewhat into the first chapter before giving it up for a waste of time. The idea that 'name calling in the name of helping you become a better person' is the classic definition of bullying behaviour. Why would I want to read a book by a bully? Who needs that type of negative energy in life, and why would I, or anyone, invite it into my home in a book?
A complete waste of time. I would recommend staying away from this one and seeking something constructive and supportive (e.g. Marshall Goldsmith's Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, How to Get It Back If You Lose It .
February 19, 2009
This book was terrible, and I couldn't bring myself to finish it. While I agree with some of the points the author makes, I stopped reading when she mentioned the business in Scandinavian where one can go and have sex with animals. I don't believe it. Many other statements she makes are sweeping generalizations and gradiose statements. And, it was boring, to boot! This book is a waste of time.
April 16, 2012
This book just rambles and rambles and goes on and on about nothing. The book itself is stuck. Maybe that's the point the author was trying to make? Regardless, it's not funny, and I don't want to be stuck in her rut. I'm stuck enough in my own.
August 20, 2009
Just could not get into it...boring.
April 27, 2010
Not as interesting of a social commentary as I'd hoped. AS much as I tried, I could not pick it back up again.
August 23, 2012
She was so stuck in the idea of staying stuck, I couldn't even bear to finish it. I made it halfway. A complete waste of money and time I could spend being unstuck!
October 11, 2010
boring could not get into it
August 29, 2011
It was a personal dissertation on how she sees other people. Occasionally she has these great points that gets lost in her distaste of how others live.
February 24, 2021
Awesome book on the ways people cling to things, the ways we distort time and meaning, and how we pick and choose our freedoms to suit our neuroses.
February 5, 2018
An interesting read about how we are, as a society, often stuck in our desires ( as consumers ) , stuck in our present ( and an explanation of the trending term “live the moment” , “follow your passion”) , and stuck on work ( sometimes stuck on the idea of leaving work and starting over ).
It’s definitely a book worth reading. It’s not a self help book as the name might suggest, it’s a social study of how wars , technology , the stress of every day life can push us to be or actually to “feel” stuck.
It’s definitely a book worth reading. It’s not a self help book as the name might suggest, it’s a social study of how wars , technology , the stress of every day life can push us to be or actually to “feel” stuck.
July 22, 2014
This book was interesting, though with a few too many anecdotes in my opinion (though that does indicate the book was well researched). Though she doesn't really offer any concrete advice for getting unstuck, however I think that that is because there ISN'T a clear answer, and even if there was, it varies due to individual circumstances of being stuck. Furthermore, I suspect that often people DO know of actions they could take to become unstuck: the hard part is actually doing it. With this book, the author arms us with the facts of the reality of American culture and how it encourages bad habits and excuses being stuck as a predisposition (or sickness), not a choice. After reading the book, the real challenge is for the reader to decide if their being stuck is detrimental to their well being and/or to their happiness, and if so, to make that difficult change that is the first step to becoming unstuck.
My favorite chapter was the chapter about being stuck in the present: how modern technology and culture teaches us we must get everything right now, and to only think of the present moment, and about the effects of such a mentality on our abilities to make a choice and persevere with the choice, as well as how it hinders our ability to accomplish any long term goals.
Another "aha" moment came in the next chapter, about performing habits again and again even though we know they are bad for us. The author talks about how, in our extremely capitalist society, having an infinite amount of options in everything, from what brand of sandals to buy to what career to pursue, being overwhelmed and unable to choose from the multitude of options often causes us to revert back to what is trusted and familiar, thus causing us to be forever stuck in our old ruts. The author also warns of the dangers of materialism how this shift in popular culture will cause vast unhappiness and a feeling of emptiness to those who try to fill their voids with consumer goods.
I think this book deserves four stars because the book left me feeling determined to not fall into the cultural trap of stuckness. Also it has a really pretty cover :)
My favorite chapter was the chapter about being stuck in the present: how modern technology and culture teaches us we must get everything right now, and to only think of the present moment, and about the effects of such a mentality on our abilities to make a choice and persevere with the choice, as well as how it hinders our ability to accomplish any long term goals.
Another "aha" moment came in the next chapter, about performing habits again and again even though we know they are bad for us. The author talks about how, in our extremely capitalist society, having an infinite amount of options in everything, from what brand of sandals to buy to what career to pursue, being overwhelmed and unable to choose from the multitude of options often causes us to revert back to what is trusted and familiar, thus causing us to be forever stuck in our old ruts. The author also warns of the dangers of materialism how this shift in popular culture will cause vast unhappiness and a feeling of emptiness to those who try to fill their voids with consumer goods.
I think this book deserves four stars because the book left me feeling determined to not fall into the cultural trap of stuckness. Also it has a really pretty cover :)
September 8, 2014
I picked this book up while perusing the "last chance" section at Barnes and Noble. It is not a self-help book, it's a treatise on how and why we're stuck in various arenas of our lives- job, relationships, bad habits, etc. Well-researched and easy to read, a lot of what Rufus has to say makes sense. One of the sections I found very interesting was about the impact capitalism (and it's opposites) have had on monogamy. As the author says, "Companies with goods and services to sell hate happy couples." If we are happy and feeling content with our lives, we don't need anything else to fill the void.
I feel, however, she oversimplified a few things and her bias shows. The chapter on trauma, and how our current society has made superstars of victims, feels a little whiney. And she acknowledges her own issues, which sheds light on why it felt that way. She also disparages therapy a bit, which I might take personally ;)
It's a lot of good food for thought. I guess I wish the book offered some hope for getting unstuck, which was hinted at in the introduction, but didn't surface anywhere else.
Food: salad with a little too much vinaigrette. A lot of chewing and a little too much vinegar when you get to the bottom of it.
I feel, however, she oversimplified a few things and her bias shows. The chapter on trauma, and how our current society has made superstars of victims, feels a little whiney. And she acknowledges her own issues, which sheds light on why it felt that way. She also disparages therapy a bit, which I might take personally ;)
It's a lot of good food for thought. I guess I wish the book offered some hope for getting unstuck, which was hinted at in the introduction, but didn't surface anywhere else.
Food: salad with a little too much vinaigrette. A lot of chewing and a little too much vinegar when you get to the bottom of it.
December 9, 2010
Unlike the cover might seem to suggest, this is not really one of those feel-good self-help books about how to move forward when you're stuck in a particular habit (or job). While it does contain stories of folks who have come unstuck, it is more of a look (and sometimes rant) at how society sets traps to "stick" us, from marketing techniques to the glorification of addiction. I liked the book because it gave credence to thoughts I already had and left me with many more to ponder. If you find the concept of personal accountability deplorable (ie. you think there's someone to blame for everything that happens to you) then this is NOT the book for you.
April 19, 2010
It isn't really self help, it's more like social commentary and memoir mixed like a Chuck Klostermann book but on one topic. Besides being on the topic stuck, Rufus writes without any organization, or any final revelation, but her style like the picture she paints of herself, is transparent and sincere. The book is refreshing and not unlike sharing a night of long talks with an intuitive and thoughtful good friend. I found many of the stories and ideas were insightful and the ending was a little abrupt as well as bittersweet.
April 24, 2010
This was a really interesting read even if only for Anneli's observations on the patterns of behavior people fall into. Concepts revolving around 'stuckness' predominated, but not always in the form you would expect. Some of the ways she described people becoming 'stuck' involved inabilities to recognize the value in staying with something, that in itself leading to destructive and repeated courses of action, and these both supplemented and fleshed out the more readily apparent manifestation's of stagnant fixation that were described.
February 9, 2012
I liked this book. It was good. (i'd say 3.5 stars). In any case, I'm not sure the book really followed the title. Either that or I had a different idea of what stuck meant to me and the author had a different idea. But alot of the points she brought up I agree with. There were some arguments I didn't agree with. but all in all, I have many similar views. I don't want to get into a discussion here or this review would be way too long. Suffice to say, this is an interesting book, with some very firm views of today's society. Firm and sometimes harsh views. Be prepared.
September 12, 2016
Earlier this year I got a copy of Anneli Rufus' UnWorthy. It was a super difficult read for me, but stuff I think I needed to hear (again). Sometimes reading one sentence from that book was enough for a day, a week I need that time to absorb it, to take it into my life, my past and really turn it over in my head. Stuck is similarly chewy, not something you can zip through in an afternoon. There will be some things that you need to sit with, mull over. If you have that feeling of being stuck though, this is so entirely worth the time.
January 5, 2023
I think the author is prepares for criticism but this book reads like a petulant rant. There isnt a way to review it that she wouldnt counter "thats my point" but what starts as an interesting premise turns into self-satisfied yammering. The writing goes between her personal narrative- laying bare her personal foibles before anyone can call them out (who knows if they are true) - and research or examples that are so clearly skewed I wondered why they were included. The utter contempt for people in general was galling.
February 10, 2015
I love how Mz. Rufus can work a perspective, she can cast a hundred different things you had left filed under 'assumption' and make you question how you could've been so sure about them. This is a strange little book, with a slow start, but look out - by the time she reaches the middle you are on a rocket train of reminders of all the little things you forgot. Worth the ride.
February 6, 2009
This book was more social commentary than a guide to how to get out of your rut, but nonetheless I did copy the first chapter for my sister. I've contemplated buying it for her, but guess that she'd be offended.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 77 reviews